Codependency and Abandonment Fears | Tips and Strategies for Enhancing Self-Esteem and Relationships

this episode was pre-recorded as part  of a live continuing education webinar   on demand CEUs are still available  for this presentation Register at allceus.com/CoD-CEUs I'd like to welcome everybody to today's  presentation on addressing codependency   and abandonment fears. I am Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes. You may think that  those are two completely different topics but   they're really not codependency for a lot of  people is an expression or a reaction to their   abandonment years and we're going to look at  how that might actually be occurring we'll   review attachment theory really briefly defined  codependency learn about core abandoned and fears   identify ways that codependent behaviors might be  ways to cope with abandonment trauma and explore   tools and activities to help clients recognize  their fear related and codependent behaviors   and take effective action if you need to look  at the PowerPoint you can good log in to the   class at all CEUs com download the PowerPoint  and then you'll have it forever and always okay so what is attachment theory attachment  behaviors you know think back to Bowlby and   he started talking about how we form this initial  attachment relationship with a primary care giver   now a lot of times that's the mother but that's  not always the case but an a a primary care giver   is important and attachment figure so when a an  infant is separated from their primary caregiver   attachment behavior such as crying calling and  searching may happen in order to help them find   their primary caregiver because they're helpless  they're saying you know what to survive I need   you to come here and help me be warm help me get  fed help me feel safe maintaining proximity to an   attachment figure through attachment behaviors  increases the chances for survival you know   it makes sense from our initial attachment  relationship we learn how scary or safe the   world is think about Erikson's psychosocial stages  of development when our needs are not met when we   don't have that initial attachment relationship  trust versus mistrust when the child is cold and   cries and doesn't get those needs met the child  starts thinking this is a very unpleasant place   to be when the child is scared and does not get  his or her needs met the child may start thinking   this is not a good place to be through this  relationship children people learn how trustworthy   other people are because the child trusts the  primary caregiver to respond to their needs or   hopes that they will and if the primary caregiver  repeatedly does not attend to their needs or   sporadically that may be even worse responds to  their needs then the child starts learning that   others can't be trusted to meet their basic  needs we learn from our primary attachment   relationship if we can trust our own feelings  because if every time we cry or the baby cries   the primary attachment figure puts a pacifier in  its mouth or feeds it then the child is gonna go   well hungry wasn't exactly it now of course they  don't have those words to put to it but they don't   know what they eat and it still doesn't make  them feel any better so they don't know what's   going on and I mean think in an infant's mind they  don't have a lot of words to put to it but they   know something's not right and from this initial  attachment relationship we learn what it's like   to be loved to be cared for to be nurtured and if  that doesn't happen then that's what we expect in   future relationships the attachment system  essentially asks the following fundamental   question is the attachment figure nearby  accessible and attentive oh now that last one   is a big kick in the butt because the attachment  figure often is nearby but in a lot of cases the   attachment figure may be emotionally unavailable  emotionally inaccessible and or inattentive the   attachment figure may be you know too caught up  in their own stuff attending to themselves to   attend to be an attentive the small child so if  the answer is yes the attachment figure is nearby   accessible and attentive the person feels loved  secure confident and behaviorally is likely to   explore his or her environment and interact with  others now think about when you watch kids on   the playground they go out and a lot of times  it's like okay where's mom and dad I mean I'm   talking about young really young children where's  mom and dad okay is it safe I'm gonna go out and   explore if they fall down and bump their knee or  somebody's mean to them what usually happens the   child starts crying or and or runs back to the  parent runs back to that safe home base because   that's the safe place we all need this safe home  home base whether we are six months or 26 years   old we need this safe place that we can return  to if the answer is no the attachment figure is   either not nearby not accessible emotionally  or physically or not attentive not wanting to   be there not able to attend to the child's needs  then the person experiences anxiety is likely to   exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple  visual searching if the person if the attachment   figure can't be seen to active following and  vocal signaling to the other person which can   be anything from following you around pulling  on your dress going mommy mommy mommy mommy   mommy - crying - yelling - throwing a temper  tantrum something to get that parental attention   and when children act out my first question to the  parent is what was the child trying to accomplish   now it could have been to get candy but a lot of  times when the child acts out there's more to it   than that they wanted some sort of attention they  needed some boundary set their blood sugar was   low so they were needing to be fed so what was  the function of that behavior these searching   behaviors these attachment behaviors continue  until either the person's able to re-establish   a desirable level of physical or psychological  proximity to the attachment figure and that's   important we need to focus on on this to a certain  extent physical proximity is great but if we're   in physical proximity and that person is not  emotionally accessible or attentive it doesn't   do a lot of good however we can get psychological  proximity without physical proximity so you may   have someone who is you know a soldier who's  deployed and they're able to talk to their   children and get that psychological proximity  to the attachment figure and that soldier when   they're talking to the child on internet chat  or whatever it is is accessible and attentive   to that child at that point in time so there  is that connection so just because people are   separated by miles doesn't necessarily mean it's  going to obliterate the attachment relationship   even infants they can hear their parents voice on  the other end of the line it's not quite the same   but when you can establish that connection  when the infant can hear the parent suit   soothing voice it helps okay so they either need  to re-establish a desirable level of physical or   psychological proximity or they just wear down and  that's the learned helplessness they learn that   no matter how much they scream cry pitch if it  search that person's not coming back and you get   that learned helplessness which we know depression  is associated with helplessness and hopelessness   and if the person was seeking an attachment figure  that was for comfort because of a sense of anxiety   about something that they perceived a threat  they needed it a need to get met so they've got   anxiety going on because they still didn't get  that need met and hopelessness so you know it's   they're in a bad place so triggers for attachment  there are certain kinds of events that trigger a   desire for closeness and comfort from caregivers  and I want you to think about not just children   but I want you to think about adolescents I want  you to think about adults we all need attachment   we are wired for it that's why we have oxytocin  we're wired to be connected to one another there   are three main sets of triggers conditions of the  person if they are tired hungry sick in pain cold   in addictions treatment we use the acronym hold  hungry angry lonely or tired but I want you to   think about that and think about yourself when  you have some of these things do you desire to   have someone there to take care of you to help  you out I know when I'm sick you know I tend to   like to be coddled a little bit I'll admit it when  I'm tired I tend to want to be left alone but we   do need to look at the triggers here once we get  older we can feed ourselves so when that hunk when   we're hungry that generally doesn't trigger an  attachment feeling but there are a lot of other   internal things that can trigger that need for  care and and closeness conditions involving the   caregiver or the attachment relationship so  in adults it's more the significant other the   attachment relationship more than the caregiver  in terms of parent but conditions of the caregiver   if the caregiver is absent especially for a long  time then it can trigger feelings of abandonment   trigger feelings of need to connect with that  person if the caregiver is getting ready to   depart whether it's for a work trip or for a  weekend away or maybe even just you're dropping   your kid off at preschool for the first day and  that triggers that anxiety because they're not   sure if you're going to come back they've never  been in this situation before so we do want to   remember that you know if the caregiver depart it  may trigger some attachment behaviors that's not   bad good if the child cries when you drop them off  the first time that's not a bad thing if they're   inconsolable then you know we might want to look  at that but we do want to recognize the fact that   children want to make sure that that secure home  base is is accessible to them if the caregiver is   discouraging of proximity which lets you know I  don't know a overly convoluted way of saying if   the caregiver doesn't want to be bothered if the  caregiver says go away you know not right now you   bother me go play you know and it's constantly  pushing the child away emotionally and or   physically that can trigger a need for attachment  because the child is going okay I can't get I   can't get close to my home base I can't get that  reassurance I can't get those hugs I can't get all   of those neurochemical reactions that happen when  I get nurturance and if the caregiver is giving   attention to another and we see this a lot when  there's a new baby in the household or if the   parents get divorced and the primary caregiver  starts dating someone else the child can regress   in their attachment behaviors and be more needy  of more more constant attachment for a period of   time and conditions in the environment alarming  events criticism or rejection by others things   that happen that make you feel bad generally  makes you want to go back to somebody who loves   you somebody who nurtures you and get reassurance  get comfort from them it doesn't matter how old   you are when things go south it's hard to deal  with it exclusively on your own so we do want to   consider these triggers and when clients start  having a relapse if you will into attachment   seeking and especially unhealthy attachment  seeking we want to look at what's going on   that is triggering that recapitulation of the  attachment relationship what's going on that   is triggering that need for comfort like I said  we all need it social relationships are one of   the biggest buffers against stress so that this  need for attachment doesn't go away but we do   want to look at what's going on and the quality  of the attachment relationship that the person   is experiencing whether it be a child or adult is  it secure they know that person's going to come   back they know they can rely on that person is it  insecure where they're not sure if the person is   going to be there which elicits a whole lot  more year and and anxiety related behaviors you when Patricia asked a question about what about  a child who has good a good attachment figure but   still demonstrates the qualities of not feeling  attached they're fearful they're clinging so I   would probably look at it from two aspects number  one I would try to get into the child's shoes if   you will some children are what we call high needs  children and what a quote good attachment figure   looks like for one child may not be enough for  another child so I'd want to look and see is that   child really getting all their needs met are they  emotionally disregulated and is the parent unable   to respond to that and i would look at what might  be reinforcing these behaviors if they're fearful   and clinging what triggers it and you can have  a behavioral a behaviorist come in and consult   what's triggering these sorts of behaviors are  they in specific environments or are they in   global environments and what's reinforcing these  behaviors if the child does cling is there what   kind of reinforcement is going on because  if there wasn't a reward of some sort if   there wasn't some sort of reinforcement the child  wouldn't continue to do it they would do something   else so those are the two aspects I would look  at is again is the parent meeting the specific   needs of this child some some children are just  really intense and are there certain things that   are triggering and or maintaining this behavior  certain rewards certain characteristic certain   behaviors that are maintaining this behavior that  can be interrupted so the impact of attachment how   loved or unloved we feel as children deeply  affects the formation of our self-esteem if   we feel accepted think about again Erikson trust  versus mistrust initiative versus guilt you know   we're starting to develop our ability to separate  from our attachment figure but we know when we   go out there industry versus inferiority we go  out there we try we push beyond our limits and   we're going to fail at things but if we have  a good attachment relationship we go back to   that safe home base and the attachment figure  says you know you're good I love you you're a   wonderful person okay so maybe football's not  your thing or maybe science is not your thing   what else do you have that's good and you are a  good person despite what skills you may or may   not have and that helps people develop their  self-esteem and start saying you know what   I'm good at certain things not so good at other  things but that's okay because I'm a good person early attachment relationship shape how we seek  love and whether we feel part of life or more like   an outsider if the child constantly experiences  being pushed away and feels isolated then they're   gonna feel more like an outsider if they seek  love and they get loved and returned then they're   more likely in their adult relationships to seek  out what they need because they know is likely   they'll get it in return as we individuate so  when children go through that identity formation   in middle school high school college they again  start seeking approval from their peer groups from   their significant others so this attachment thing  changes a little bit as we become more independent   and able to meet our basic needs but we always  need that connection that that social approval   if you will that unconditional positive regard so  consequences of abandonment if those attachment   needs aren't met the child may feel emotionally  or physically abandoned when biological and safety   needs are met it can trigger anxiety at any age  not just in an infant if a biological needs are   not being met if you've got a person who is 26  years old old and homeless then that may trigger   anxiety some people choose that lifestyle but in  a lot of people that would trigger anxiety fear of   abandonment is a natural survival response when a  person feels unloved Abul ineffective and helpless   we tend to fear being abandoned because we don't  think anybody's gonna want to stick around so if   the person feels unloved about ineffective and  helpless then they're going to fear abandonment   when people feel like they're not getting their  own needs met and the note notice the italics and   the bold here when they feel like they're not  getting their own needs met even if it looks   objectively like they're getting their needs met  if they don't feel like it then they're going to   exhibit abandonment abandonment behaviors they're  going to exhibit more anxiety so it's important to   help people take a look and objectively assess  using cognitive processing therapy or cognitive   behavioral to identify and obviously this isn't  for small children this is for older older people   who are able to use those interventions but help  them objectively look and see if they're if they   are getting their needs met because sometimes  they may be minimizing the good stuff and just   focusing on the bad stuff so we do want to help  them take a look at that but when they feel like   they're not getting their own needs met they  have difficulty effectively meeting the needs   of others so if they're constantly struggling to  try to get love they may be manipulating others   in order to getting in order to get love from  others every stressful situation becomes a crisis   because they're already in threat mode so if they  fear abandonment if they fear unloved feel like   they're unlovable and yes if their significant  other leaves for some reason whether it's through   divorce or he just never comes back from the  store or he dies or whatever it can trigger   abandonment fears and we see this in some older  people well I shouldn't even say older people we   see this in some couples that have been together  for a long time when one half of that couple dies   then the other person may feel very vulnerable  and insecure about anything that's going on   because that other person and my grandparents  were a perfect example my grandfather always   took care of paying the bills and doing the as my  grandmother put it man stuff around the house and   they have buried traditional gender roles and  when he passed away any time something would   break in the house anytime she had to pay bills or  anything her anxiety would go through the roof and   she would need to call my uncle and thankful  he lived really close and he was able to come   help out and bridge that gap but yes we do see  abandonment behaviors and high levels of anxiety   when people when people's relationships end  especially unexpectedly now doesn't mean they're   they feel unlovable well if the partner dies not  necessarily but if the partner leaves because of   a divorce then yes some people that can impact  their self-esteem which leaves them feeling not   only ineffective and helpless but also unlovable  which can heighten those abandonment fears when people are in a situation when they're  fearing abandonment what types of things trigger   fear of abandonment or trigger fears rejection  and isolation when people fear abandonment they're   fearing anybody is going to reject them so they're  going to be hypersensitive to cues of rejection   and isolation they're going to seek comfort and  solace in anything they can they may seek they   may fear loss of control and the unknown because  all of a sudden they can't control their lives or   in an infant's case they've never been able to  control their lives so this is a constant fear   that's brewing in in their hearts and they may  feel fear failure because if they don't have that   secure home base to go to then if they go out  there and they fail then basically think of it   like falling flat on your face on the concrete it  hurts a lot and there's nobody there to pick them   up so all of these things become heightened when  there isn't a secure base to go back to signs of   abandonment issues now I want you to think in what  ways do these behaviors protect the person from   abandonment and it seems kind of counterintuitive  abandonment issues producing these behaviors but   attaching too quickly can protect people from  abandonment because if they are out there on   their own and they fear abandonment they find  somebody and they just latch on to them it's   like okay finally I found I found my safe thing  I found my security I found my life rope so I'm   gonna attach and I'm gonna attach hard and we  see this in a lot of people I won't just say   clients who meet somebody and all of a sudden 24  hours later they're head over heels in love they   move on too quickly it's kind of the opposite but  it can happen in the same person they can attach   really quickly and then if the relation and so I  find whatever and then they move on to the next   person and they find that next life life rope that  they can hold on to they may be a partner pleaser   doing things that they normally wouldn't do  because they're afraid of abandonment so they're   going to acquiesce and not live authentically  they may settle for bad relationships because   bad relationship is better than no relationship  in their minds constantly looking for flaws now   how does this protect a person from abandonment  well if you're constantly looking for flaws in   the other person then you start seeing the other  person is imperfect if the others in person is   imperfect well and you think you're imperfect  then they're less likely to leave you and if   you see the other person is really important you  it's this kind of loopy logic here but you can see   how it makes sense from a certain point of view  if a person is reluctant to fully invest in a   relationship if they've got abandonment issues  they may have walled off their heart and they   have this fortress around it because they don't  want to get hurt again so they don't want to put   it all out there make sense to me if they have  difficulty trusting same thing that got that   wall around their heart they don't want to be  hurt they're afraid to trust because that trust   has been betrayed before they avoid emotional  intimacy they feel unworthy of love unworthy of   love how is that protective well if you don't feel  worthy of love then you don't expect love if you   don't expect love then you're not let down when  you don't get love or when you're abandoned so   again you got to look at it from a certain  point of view they're jealous of virtually   everyone now you could say everyone but virtually  everyone jealousy is anger jealousy is fear that   you're going to lose somebody jealousy is anger  at somebody for having a better relationship then   you do so jealousy is this feeling that pushes  people away to keep them away from either from   hurting you or from that attachment figure  if you're in a relationship and the person   is really jealous then you're not able to connect  with others outside of that relationship so that   theoretically might prevent abandonment if you  can't connect with anybody else now you see the   problems with that logic but you can also see how  jealousy can be a reaction to abandonment and a   way to try to protect themselves from abandonment  hyper-vigilance and over-analysis well if you're   constantly afraid of abandonment you're going to  be on the lookout for those signs of rejection for   those signs that you might not be able to control  the other person for those signs that you know you   might be failing at something and disappointing  the other person so the person who's afraid of   abandonment is hyper vigilant and will overanalyze  just about any situation in order to try to make   sure that they're not going to be abandoned the  problem is the harder you look for something the   more likely it is you're going to find it from a  certain point of view so if somebody expects to be   abandoned then they're going to be hyper vigilant  to those cues and they're going to see them even   if they're innocuous they're probably going to  interpret them as abandonment cues repressed   anger if you hold that anger in if you're afraid  that somebody's going to abandon you and if you're   hyper vigilant and you're overanalyzing everything  and you see them as being rejecting and uncaring   yeah you may reject repress that anger because  you're feeling those feelings but you'd rather   be in a bad relationship than no relationship  at all people who are afraid of abandonment   can be overly controlling because if they can  be the puppeteer controlling the marionette   then they know exactly what's going to happen  and Pinocchio ain't just going to get up and   walk away self-sabotage and blaming yourself for  breakups if people are afraid of abandonment when   people experience abandonment then they look  at what did I do because we're going back to   those initial abandonment issues people with  abandonment issues generally feel unlovable   helpless and insecure so of course if they're  unlovable and helpless then they're going to   look at why did this person leave me it must be me  which makes them feel even less lovable and more   afraid of abandonment and never being loved so  you might be saying why are some of these bolded   well the bolded areas attaching to quickly  settling for bad relationships hyper-vigilant   repressing anger and overly controlling those  are also characteristics of codependency there are more reactions to fears of abandonment  when people fear abandonment they may go into   fight mode so I want you to think about how these  may prevent abandonment what maintains these   behaviors and what are the long-term consequences  and these are things we'll discuss in group I will   go through these one at a time I don't put them  all up there at once because it's overwhelming   but we start talking about when you start fearing  abandonment what happens in your relationships how   does the quality of your relationship change so if  you go into fight mode maybe you become aggressive   hostile and start blaming and criticizing so how  does that prevent abandonment how does that keep   the person from leaving you and I encourage them  to really reflect on the fact that they're trying   to dominate they're trying to control the person  they're trying to make the person feel bad about   themselves so they won't feel loveable and they  won't leave dominance are trying to control others   recognition seeking to get attention validation  and approval and you might be going well how is   this in the fight area well it's an active thing  a proactive thing if you will kind of reactive but   in order to get attention in order to maintain  the relationship so I'm going to do my dance   and do whatever I need to do to get recognition  validation and approval so my partner remembers   how awesome I am and that they shouldn't abandon  me manipulation and exploitation such as seduction   people can be become very seductive borderline  histrionic and their behaviors if they're fearing   abandonment they might try to connect with that  person in any way shape or form that will keep   them around they can lie they can justify just  about anything in order to try to keep that   relationship they may cling and chase and again  this is in the fighting aspect because instead of   running away they're running towards the person  going you can't leave I need you to stay that   clinging can be and chasing can be in the form  of you know 24 text messages in half an hour it   can be showing up on your doorstep it can be  pleading it can even come out in in the form   of certain self-harming behaviors and shame which  is self anger about feeling needy so when people   start to feel needy they may get really angry  at themselves and start engaging in numbing or   or self-injury behaviors in reaction to the fear  of abandonment because instead of asking for help   or feeling worthy of love and nurturance  they feel like they should cease to exist and flight shorter list here when people flee  from abandonment they may withdraw if they fear   that somebody is getting ready to abandon them  they may withdraw they may withdraw physically   quit showing up quit going on dates whatever they  may withdrawal emotionally so they're starting to   wall their heart off they're not gonna get hurt  they may withdraw through addiction by just   numbing everything out it's like I don't care you  know I don't feel anything and they may distract   themselves engage in anything else so they don't  have to think about the relationship now how do   these supposedly prevent abandonment well they  don't but they prevent abandonment pain so when   they withdraw they are still in control they're  the dumper yeah they're the dumper if you will   instead of the dumpee they are withdrawing they're  the one that's choosing to not invest themselves   anymore so the other person doesn't have the  upper hand long-term consequences that both   fight or flee you know when you talk about any  of these behaviors encouraging clients to really   look at how do these affect your relationship  over time yeah in the short term you may get   your way that person may come and rescue you  that person may give in that person may submit   but in the long term does it create a healthy  long lasting relationship or just does it just   prolong the time until the person a band  eventually abandons the relationship okay   so then we move on to codependency because  like I said codependency is one reaction to   abandonment fears codependency describes a type of  relationship in which one partner defines his or   her worth or goodness based on someone else  if I can save this person it means I'm good   so you get into this relationship and you know  you're going to be the savior that means if you   save that person then they will be indebted  to you and we'll be there so less chance of   abandonment and if this person loves me then  it means I'm lovable so it's important to be   in that relationship and to make sure that the  person recognizes the codependent person often   chooses relationships in which the other person  needs to be rescued thereby making him or herself   indispensable so thinking about why you would get  into a relationship initially with someone who who   needs to be rescued why would you initially get  into this relationship and how might this result   from low self-esteem and fear of abandonment  when you're in a relationship with someone   who needs to be rescued when you're doing things  to rescue someone you tend to feel better about   yourself and they can bolster themselves up and  like I said once the person has put themselves   in that position of being the quote Savior  then they feel much more indispensable which   makes that those fears of abandonment go away  because they're like well this person needs me   they can't live without me so again in what ways  do these behaviors prevent abandonment and what   maintains them avoidance of confrontation or poor  communication how does this prevent abandonment we   typically talk about good relationships having  open communication so why would you avoid it   well confrontation and often means arguing and  arguing in the person's past may have led to   abandonment so they don't want to even risk it  so they're not going to go there so there's poor   communication because the PERT the person who's  codependent is often just biting their tongue inability to identify feelings except for chronic  anger and feelings of happiness feelings of love   the difference between love and pity very  confusing for the person who's codependent   so how does this prevent abandonment well if  they're having difficulty naming feelings then   it's harder for those feelings to get hurt maybe  neglecting their needs and intent attending to   the other person's first well that makes sense  if you want to prevent abandonment if you're   catering to somebody then you think well that'll  keep them from leaving and if the person to whom   you're catering falls into that trap then it does  keep that relationship going but it's a give give   give not a give and take relationship and gets  exhausting accepting verbal or physical abuse by   others in a lot of co-dependent relationships  there is a fair amount of verbal abuse if not   physical abuse and it can go both ways and it's  important to look at what you're willing to accept   and why you're staying in a relationship that  is harmful why you're staying in a relationship   that's abusive is it a recapitulation of the  past is it just fear of being alone what is   it taking responsibility for the actions of others  especially the one you're in a relationship for or   relationship with in a codependent relationship  this is one of the hallmarks of a codependent   relationship the codependent person is going to  cover up for take the blame for do anything they   can to enable the person with the problem whatever  the problem is and it can be addiction but it can   be a host of other things in codependency  there's a need to control others there's a   need to have this perfect facade there's a need  to control things because if the codependent is   control in control of everything and everyone  then things won't go bad if the codependent is   not controlling the other people then they might  be abandoned then the other people might get into   trouble because the codependent takes on this  role of ultimate protector if you will but to   the to the expense to the extreme and they start  doing things for everybody else that those people   should be doing for themselves and the codependent  feels shame when other people make mistakes now   how does that prevent abandonment well if the  codependent is responsible or deems him/herself   responsible for making everything right and  controlling everything and keeping you know   being the puppeteer then if another makes mother  person in that relationship makes a mistake then   it reflects on them in their mind so they feel bad  they do more than their share at work or at home   well in a codependent relationship this person  is trying to get approval they are trying to get   validation they're trying to get other people to  go you know I couldn't do this without you that   makes them feel safe for the moment they may  refuse to ask for help because if they ask for   help shows weakness and weakness is could lead  to rejection which could lead to abandonment   they need others validation to feel good about  themselves or to not get their feelings hurt   so when they do things people with codependency  often have a high need for recognition of what   they've done they need people to go oh my gosh  I couldn't do that you're so strong or you know   thank you so much for doing that I couldn't do  it without you that's they need to have that   bolstering they think everyone's feelings are  more important than their own so they're always   trying to make everyone else happy they don't feel  right go back to that have difficulty identifying   feelings well they don't feel because they're so  worried about making sure that everybody else is   happy and keeping the lid on things that they're  not attending to their own feelings they may feel   trapped in the relationship but stay to avoid  feelings of abandonment they're often meshed   and have poor boundaries well if you're trying  to control everybody and you're invading and   trying to make make sure that you make everyone  else happy then yeah that's enmeshment that's   really bad emotional boundaries there but when  you're enmeshed then you know think about getting   caught up in a net you can't get out of it and  the net can't go away from you either so again   it may prevent abandonment and over-commitment  and feeling overwhelmed well if you're doing   everything for everybody else and you're refusing  to ask for help and you're not taking care of   yourself yes they may feel in bit indebted to  you but you're also going to feel you've got   the weight of the world on your shoulders and  feel overwhelmed so that's not uncommon either   any of these things and all of these things are  products of trying to avoid abandonment that   enmeshment you know if I stay tangled up with  other people then they're not going to be able   to leave they're gonna have to have me nearby  soaked or abandoned and beliefs that come up   in people who are codependent and even who aren't  codependent all people leave mistrust people will   hurt reject take advantage of me or just not be  there when I need them emotional deprivation I   don't get the love I need nobody understands me  cares about me or even tries to meet my needs   now if you're in if you're working with it with  an adult who has abandonment issues you may see   really enmeshed relationships with their children  because their children can't leave their children   are basically captive their children are there  to provide or not there to provide there their   children are there and often do step into that  role because that's what they think the supposed   to do there they step into that role of providing  love to the parent defectiveness if people knew   me they would reject me well this is feelings  based reasoning and failure I don't measure up   and I'm not able to succeed now notice all of  the all-or-nothing language in these schemas   all people leave all people will hurt reject or  take advantage of me ostensibly all the time so   these are things that we want to look at cuz  yes people are gonna leave people are gonna   die it's gonna happen some people are gonna hurt  or reject or take advantage of you you know you   get the point so we do want to moderate some of  these some of these beliefs cognitive behavioral   therapy or cognitive processing therapy are both  very effective at helping people address these   so let's look at some of these core beliefs when  I work with clients and usually I do this in an   individual not so much in group we look at the  core belief of all people leave so what does it   look like if somebody is emotionally or physically  about available and they don't abandon you how do   you know and a lot of people haven't thought about  that they're just so afraid that people are gonna   leave they just expect them to leave and they're  like I said they're hyper vigilant and focusing   on those cues that the person is going to leave so  I want them to really turn their mind and look at   if you had somebody who was available what would  that look like to you and if they have difficulty   coming up with that I say okay do you abandon  people and a lot of times they'll be like no of   course I don't okay so what does it look like to  other people when you're in a relationship what   does it look like so they know that you're not  going to abandon them and we start developing a   list of behaviors and attitudes that are common in  relationships if somebody is going to be available   but still have healthy boundaries you know they're  not going to be holding your hand 24 hours a day   who when you're past left you or was unavailable  emotional what did they do to make you feel   rejected or abandoned and so we start there you  know who was it that left you or was unavailable   and what exactly was was it that they did did they  just ignore you when you were at home they never   had time for you they were never home because they  were always traveling what happened and this can   even be they died you know some especially when  a death happens and when a child is young what   are alternate explanations for why they may have  done this you know maybe the attachment figure   wasn't home a lot because they were working in  order to pay the bills and that was the only way   to make ends meet maybe the attachment figure was  in in rehab and unfortunately repeatedly and they   were trying to do the best they could in order  to be present you know we need to look at this   retrospectively from an adult's frame of mind they  did what they did and you felt abandoned you know   I'm not taking that from you what are some other  explanations did they intend to abandon or what   are some other explanations that might have more  to do with them than with you who in your past has   been available you know switching that back again  we're looking at the positive has been available   to you emotionally and they can look back and  generally people have a best friend or somebody   who is available and who and your present is  available to you emotionally so we start talking   about that making a list of safe people making  a list of characteristics of the relationships   that look and feel safe and then we start talking  about what do you do in your current relationships   that causes people to leave and depending on  the client you may have to change the wording   a little bit because you don't want to send them  on a guilt trip but I want people to really start   looking at the dynamics in their relationship  and a relationship it takes two to tango so that   person is always that that other person always  has some part in it but what is it that you do   in your relationships that may be dysfunctional if  you push them away how do you do it and what are   some alternatives to that behavior and maybe why  do you push them away if if they look back over   their relationships and they see a pattern you  might start looking at why is it or what happens   that suddenly you start pushing people away after  six months or whatever it is if you become clingy   and obsessive and jealous what triggers that  what behaviors do you do that characterize you   as clingy and what are some alternatives that you  can do mistrust is the next belief core belief   people will reject hurt or take advantage of me or  just not be there when I need them so again going   through these questions what does it look like  when somebody is trustworthy and safe how do you   know you're not just gonna walk up onto this onto  them on the street and go hey you look safe and   trustworthy let me just pour my heart out to you  least I hope not so how do you know when somebody   is trustworthy and safe and we talk about the  process of give-and-take and developing trust who   in your past was untrustworthy or unsafe what did  they do that taught you how taught you that people   were untrustworthy or dangerous and again what  are some alternate exploration explanations for   why they might have done what they did sometimes  that's not an appropriate question you know if a   person has been in a survivor of abuse we're not  going to look for alternate explanations but if   we're going with untrustworthy and they've you  know the parent just went out to the store and   never came home and of course they felt abandoned  was it about them did the parent intentionally   abandon them and and looking at exploit those  sorts of explanations who in your past has been   trustworthy and safe who in your present is trust  worthy and hopefully that aligns with who in your   present is available emotionally what do you do  to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest and this   is one they got to think about for a while but I  want them to start getting mindful and be living   authentically so they need to do know what they  do is unsafe do they put themselves in unsafe   relationships do they take unhealthy risks what is  it that they do what do they do that's dishonest   and inauthentic how does your distrust impact  your current relationships and what could you   do differently emotional deprivation core belief  I don't get the love I need and nobody understands   me cares about me or even tries to meet my needs  now again those are some pretty extreme words so   we want to look at the logic of it we want to look  at what are the facts for and against this what   does it look like when someone understands you  and meets your needs so if you're saying nobody   does how are you gonna know when somebody does  how do you communicate your needs a lot of times   we find out in in clients that they expect other  people to read their minds so by asking how do   you communicate your needs it could say kick  off a discussion about well I really don't I   except they should know well how should they know  so we want to help clients understand that people   can't meet your needs if you don't tell them what  they are who in the past failed to meet your needs   emotionally and how can you deal with that now  who in the past is understood you who and your   present cares about you and wants to understand  they're saying nobody understands me so okay who   and you're who in your life cares about you and  wants to understand so we can help them understand   how can you start better understanding yourself  being mindful being authentic and taking care   of you and what can you do to start getting your  needs met so again each one of these core beliefs   is probably an individual session in and of itself  and then making an action plan to start addressing   that core belief defectiveness if people knew  me they would reject me is this based on facts   or feelings how do you know that they would reject  you if they knew you how will you know when you're   accepted or acceptable who in your past made you  feel defective are there alternate explanations   for that you know sometimes people don't give  kudos don't give reinforcement when they probably   should because they're too caught up in their  own stuff sometimes people don't give positive   feedback they just the only time they speak up is  when there's a problem you know and that could be   that person's poor communication skills so we do  want to look at who made them feel defective how   did they make them feel defective and is there  any other possible explanation again that looks   more at the actor instead of your client and how  can you silence those old tapes when people make   us feel defective or made us feel defective  a lot of times we internalize that tape and   then every time something happens we hear  that person saying you're not good enough   you're not smart enough nobody's going to like  you so how can we silence those old tapes how   can we silence the inner critic who in your  past has been accepting and supportive who in   your present is accepting and supportive  and how can you start accepting yourself failure I don't measure up I'm not able to  succeed so to what or whose standards do you   not measure up you know you I don't measure  up to what that's what I want to know first   because a lot of times clients hold themselves  to a standard that's far higher then they hold   anybody else to so I want to know what  these standards are that you supposedly   don't measure up to what does it look like  to be successful and you know maybe clients   have had difficulty achieving their goals  because they don't know how to effectively   set goals so we can help them hear what in  your past made you feel like a failure and   are there alternatives or ways of viewing  it such as you learn one way not to do it what have you succeeded at in the past what  are you good at in the present and I always   pay attention to minimization here because a lot  of times clients focus on their faults but they   do all these other things really well but they  minimize it they're like oh anybody could do   it know anybody that that's not necessarily  true what is being successful mean in terms   of your relationships who are three successful  people you know and what makes them successful   so really having them start looking at the  difference between success and failure and   start identifying qualities in themself that  they already have that ident that they identify   as successful does success equal happiness and  this is one of those things that you can talk   about for a while you know does success in  business does being a CEO or does having a   million dollars or whatever it is make you happy  and if not what is it that makes you happy and a   final question if they're having difficulty  with this is what are your kids need to do   to be successful in your eyes because a lot of  times you know we have visions of what we want   for our children but we also have a vision of  you know what they need to do to be successful   and and that's probably far different than  you know some of the hopes and things we have behavioural triggers abandonment and mistrust so  if somebody starts being at fearing abandonment or   mistrust they may it may come when they experience  a change in someone's behavior their if they're   not getting constant reassurance if the other  person's relationships feel threatening like   they're going out with the boys all the time  and your clients going does he not want to   spend time with me and if that person is hyper  vigilant to rejection and disconnection any of   those four things can trigger abandonment  issues so we want to ask clients with each   of those how has this threatened you in the  past so if somebody's behavior has changed   in the past and it led to abandonment you know  that makes sense that if they're seeing the same   pattern they might expect the same result what  our ultimate alternate explanations and what   would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors  right now because what happened in the past is   unfortunate but it doesn't necessarily mean it's  going to play out the same in the present so we   want clients to really look at what's going on in  context and what's the most helpful reaction now people may feel defective and like failures  when they experience criticism if there's   unexplained time apart they may feel like they're  being rejected if they're getting absent are   inconsistent reassurance or if they actually  fail at something so again asking them how its   threatened them in the past you know when this  has happened in the past how has it gone bad and   then looking at the present in context and going  okay what are the similarities and differences   in these situations envisioning activities what  does a healthy relationship look like and we talk   in our group about presence versus abandonment  you know and there's healthy healthy boundaries   acceptance versus rejection you know my partner  can accept me as a person but reject some of   my ideas we may not agree on everything that  doesn't mean that I'm being rejected it means   that my partner may not agree emotional support  and compassion versus emotional unavailability   so we want to look at you know the two extremes  people are not going to necessarily be completely   gushing of emotions all the time so we do want to  look at what does your client expect in a healthy   relationship what level of emotional support  do they need what does trustworthiness versus   untrustworthiness look like and what does safe  people versus harm harmful people look like so   we we talk about all these things and then I  ask them all right now how can you create this   relationship with yourself how can you be present  with yourself versus abandoning your feelings and   your thoughts and your hopes and everything else  how can you accept yourself versus reject how   can you be compassionate with yourself versus  emotionally unavailable how can you learn to   trust yourself and how can you make your own mind  a safe place to be we talk about that for quite a   while and then we talk about how to create that  relationship with others mindfulness questions   what am I feeling what's triggering it am i safe  emotionally and physically right now and if not   what do I need to do is this situation bringing  up something from the past how is this present   situation different than the past how am i  different than in the past maybe hopefully   I'm stronger I'm more independent I'm you know  all these things and how can I silence my inner   critic and finally what would be a helpful  reaction that moves me more towards my goals   and more toward a positive emotional experience  so when abandonment issues are triggered this   is a core set of questions that clients can ask  themselves to compare and contrast and develop   an action plan core beliefs about self others in  relationships are formed in early life identifying   and being mindful of abandonment triggers in the  present can help people choose alternate more   helpful ways of responding codependents often  do not feel worthy or lovable and they seek   somebody else to validate them recovery involves  developing a sense of self worth addressing the   depression and anxiety and learning about and  creating a network of healthy relationships all righty thank you all for being here  I see there are a couple of questions   I'll attend to those but the class  portion is done if you want to log   in and take your quiz otherwise I'm going  to answer some of your questions right now you yes abandonment issues can make the person  feel sort of borderline and again I'm not   saying her borderline but on one hand  they're being they may feel clingy and   desperate and then on the other hand they  can turn and just be like fine I don't   need you so it can look sort of borderline  esque because of their fear of abandonment people with abandonment issues that seem  to do everything possible to self-sabotage   a lot of times they don't realize  what they're doing and they don't   see how their behaviors are impacting  their relationship many times and I'm   not saying all the time but many times when  people self-sabotage it's again in order to either make the other person look like the bad  guy for leaving it's a power-play let's just   shorten it to that it's a power-play somehow  that person is either pushing the other person   away first so they're the dumper not the dumpy or  they're doing things to sabotage the relationship   so they can blame the break-up on the other  person not always the case but a lot of times oops nope let's see you wanted  to see from current slide well stinky poos mindfulness  questions I think that's what   you want there you go and remember you  have the PDF of this in your classroom all righty everybody have an amazing  day and I will see you on Thursday if this podcast helps you help your clients  or yourself please support us by purchasing   your CEUs at all CEUs calm or getting your  agency to sponsor an episode a direct link   to the on demand CEUs for this podcast is  it all CEUs dot-com / podcast CEUs that's   all CEUs comm slash podcast CEUs to sponsor  an episode of counselor tool box and reach   over 50,000 clinicians per week go to  all CEUs dot-com / sponsor thank you

Channel: Doc Snipes

Views: 224,465

Keywords: cheap ce, unlimited CE, ADACB, addictions academy, counselling, counsellor, cadc, cap, ccapp, ccdc, ce, lcsw, counseling, ladac, ladc, lcdc, licensed counselor, lmft, lmhc, lpc, lpc ce, lpc ceus, naadac, nbcc, online training, ce4less, cebynet, online ceu, codependency, codependents anonymous, alanon, attachment, abandonment, relationships, counseling skills, addiction recovery, 12 step, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes, relationship skills, insecure attachment, abandonment fears, enabling, addicted family

Id: QxncZOGT1lw

Length: 64min 25sec (3865 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 26 2018