Understanding CoDependency and the Drama Trauma Triangle

CEUs are available at AllCEUs.com/CoD-ceus hey there everybody and welcome to this video  on codependency and the drama trauma triangle   i'm your host dr donnelly snipes in this video  we're going to define the drama trauma triangle   explore what each of the three sides looks like  discuss how trauma can cause the development and   maintenance of these behaviors explore  the paradox of the triangle on recovery   and finally identify the core strategy  to begin dismantling the triangle so let's take a look at this drama  or what i call the trauma triangle   and melody beatty talks about it  in her book codependent no more but   let's talk about it from a trauma-informed  perspective so the three sides of the triangle   are to rescue then to persecute than to feel  victimized and you may be looking at that   going well that doesn't make any sense but  it does and what do i always say get curious in the rescuing side of the triangle the person  engages in enabling controlling or paternalistic   behaviors ultimately they're being controlled  by the dysfunctional others behaviors but they   feel like they're in control so you see that  there's this illusion that they're controlling   what's going on but every move they make is  in direct response or anticipation of what the   dysfunctional other does so essentially just the  dysfunctional other is still the one in control   the rescuing behavior is often an attempt  to rescue people from their responsibilities   and or the consequences of their behavior  where might they have learned this growing up   in a chaotic environment they may have learned  that their caregivers were not responsible so   they had to take care of the responsibilities  they may have learned that their caregivers   would do things that would end up causing them to  go to jail or do some disappear for some reason   so the child or the person learned that it was  more important to rescue the person from the   consequences because ultimately those consequences  had downstream effects on the child or   the person who is now the codependent now there  are two approaches to rescuing and a lot of people   use both interchangeably they may try  to control with unwavering determination   and then if that doesn't work they may  drop back into controlling for weakness and   pleading for help i can't do this without  you other people may just start from the   controlling with weakness standpoint where they  try to guilt the person the dysfunctional other   into changing their behavior so why do they do it  and i think it's really important to understand   the whys because behavior has meaning they may  do it in the name of love in prior relationships   or maybe even in this one if it's the first  codependent relationship they may have been   with somebody who they truly loved and they felt  the need to rescue for some reason whether it   was a caregiver and they had to rescue them to  survive or it was a adult an adult relationship   and they felt like they needed to rescue this  person because they just loved them so much and   this person while they were in the relationship  developed an addiction so it may have started out   healthy and they fell in love with this healthy  person and then the person developed an addiction   and they still loved that healthy person and  they wanted to try to get that person back   they may do it in the name of trying to help in  a chaotic environment they may have felt like   it was their responsibility or been told that  it was their responsibility to do these things   in an adult relationship they may  feel guilty for some reason and so now   they're trying to help this person whether they  feel guilty for the position this person is in   or they feel guilty for something else and they're  trying to get karma points by rescuing this person   but they're trying to help they're really  trying to make the world a better place in   their own way they may do it because they're they  think they're right and the other person is wrong   again go back to where did these behaviors become  learned and often they were in relationships   in which the person with codependency they were  right they knew what to do and the other person   didn't and this is really confusing if this  relationship was one between child and caregiver   where the child's going caregiver i know what you  need to do why don't you know what you need to do   so the person never learned to trust that other  people actually knew the right thing to do   they may do it because they're afraid  not to if i don't engage in these   relationships or in these behaviors in  this relationship i may be abandoned   and if i'm abandoned i don't know if i can  exist a lot of people with codependency don't   have a stable sense of self they don't know who  they are if they are not something to someone   so they're afraid that if they don't rescue this  person if they don't enable if they don't control   that they are going to be abandoned and  that is going to be very dangerous for them   they may do it because they think they have  to in order to be loved or to be needed   this can be a message that they got from prior  relationships you are not lovable unless you do   all of these things if you let me manipulate you  if you caretake for me if you rescue me if you   enable me then i will love you if you don't if  you make me experience my own consequences then   i will hate you and so the person may have  learned from those prior relationships that   to be loved it's important to be  controlled by the dysfunctional other   they may do it to stop the pain  when they don't know what else to do   they see this person that they love or  they think they love spiraling they see   this person that they think they love making  choices that are not in their best interest   and that triggers a sense of terror that triggers  a fear of abandonment the person may go away   which triggers those old trauma wounds when  the person said i don't know if i can exist   without you i don't know how to exist without  you which is very true especially for a child   so when they start feeling this pain when those  trauma memories get triggered when they start   fearing abandonment they may act just to make the  pain stop it's like okay i really don't want to   do this anymore but i have to because if i  don't really bad things are going to happen   they may do it because it's automatic it's  what they've always done and they don't even   think twice about doing it now or they may  do it because it's all they can think about   every moment of every day and that may  be a little bit of an exaggeration but   most moments of most days are spent thinking  about what do i need to do to keep this person   out of trouble to protect them and to  keep them abandoned from abandoning me so the person with codependency will try to rescue  and try to rescue and we know that the only person   who can change their behavior is the  person themselves so the person with   codependency's attempt to change the behaviors of  the dysfunctional other are probably not going to   go very well so then they move into this period of  persecution makes sense persecution the the person   with codependency is angry they are frustrated  they are feeling out of control and this is   terrifying terror and anger both are emotions  that are associated with the threat response   they feel threatened right now in all objectivity  there may not be a threat in the present but   remember they are reacting from a place that  is informed by their prior memories those   unprocessed childhood traumas so they're feeling  out of control again just like they felt when   they tried to do everything right to keep their  caregiver from drinking and their caregiver quote   chose to drink chose to love the alcohol instead  of loving them these are the things that start   coming back so they move into this phase where  they're feeling out of control they're not able to   control the the dysfunctional other and they start  getting angry resentful or hurt and the anger may   come out things would be so much better if the  dysfunctional other would only listen i know the   right thing to do if they would just listen  to me or and it may come out as a guilt trip   i try so hard and they undermine me at every  single turn and and this is when or they may   talk to the person the dysfunctional other and  say i try so hard and you undermine me at every   single turn that's that guilt trip see how much  i'm giving and you're not giving anything back   and then there's resentment i don't know  why i even try because i clearly love you   more than you love me and that is also kind of  a guilt trip but it's a statement of resentment   i feel or the person with codependency  feels like they are giving more to the   relationship and they probably are giving more  to the relationship than the other person is when that doesn't work because ultimately the  person who is dysfunctional whether it's an   addiction or mental health issues or whatever  they are doing the best they can with the   tools they have and they feel similarly  stuck so they're probably not changing   the person with codependency starts to feel  victimized the old trauma wounds are opened   up even more and they feel even more unsafe and  powerless and exhausted and terrified just like   they did when they were trying to keep their  caregiver or other people that they were in   relationships with from harming themselves or from  abandoning them they may react with with react   with withdrawal through addictive behaviors they  may engage in drinking or shopping or gambling or   any variety of addictive behaviors  that can be used to numb to distract   they may engage in depressive behaviors they  may shut down when you're that stressed for   that long eventually the stress response  says i'm done i don't have any more energy   to give to this particular situation i recognize  that this is a hopeless situation and then the   person starts to feel depressed well this shuts  the person down some and during that time they're   actually able to shore up some resources for the  next battle after a few days or maybe a few weeks   the person has actually rested a little bit they  felt hopeless and helpless and maybe resigned   a little bit and that slowed them down so they  weren't engaged in this frantic controlling   and caretaking now they have a little bit  of energy back and they've shored up the   resources for the next battle it's like  okay now i don't feel quite as powerless   i have a little bit more energy and i'm still  terrified of being abandoned of not being lovable   so back at it and then we're back to the rescuing  arm arm leg whatever we call it of the triangle it's important to remember that codependency in  all reality is not about the dysfunctional other   let me say that again it's not about the  dysfunctional other yes i started out by saying   the person with codependencies being controlled  by the dysfunctional others behaviors that is true   but that is because the  dysfunctional others behaviors   trigger those trauma memories from the past when  the person felt unsafe and feared abandonment and   that it was their responsibility to fix things  so they're still in some ways many people with   codependency are still trying to fix that initial  traumatic relationship that they failed to fix   the first time around until you  address the underlying trauma   issues you're likely going to repeat the cycle  whether it's addiction or codependency until   those feelings of powerlessness and helplessness  and hopelessness and unsafeness are addressed the sense the fear of abandonment and anger and  anxiety are going to be right at your doorstep so what we see is the person may go into a  period where they've decided you know what   i'm done i'm going to get healthy i'm going to  change this i'm not going to do that anymore and i   think we've all said this about things in the past  whether it's codependency or something else but we   end up seeing them sort of turn the same triangle  on themselves enabling paternalism and controlling   ultimately the person with codependency  is being controlled by the dysfunctional   behaviors they learned from a chaotic past  and they are desperately trying to survive   and they're doing it with these broken tools if  you will they may be trying to rescue themselves   from their perceived responsibilities remember  the person with codependency is told that   anything that happens in the world is their fault  it's their responsibility to control everything   it's their responsibility to tell  people what the right thing is to do   so they're told and they learn to perceive that  everything is their responsibility in recovery   they start saying you know what that's not my  responsibility and that's great that is a great   first step to start recognizing what is not your  responsibility but actually recognizing it and   sticking to it are a lot different because  recognizing it says okay i see a path but then   actually following through with that path you've  got to overcome the obstacles hence the trauma   that is continuing to trigger  your sense of unsafeness and your   desire to maintain a relationship your  desire to control things to stay safe just like with the dysfunctional other the person  with codependency may try to control themselves   with unwavering determination they decide okay  this time i'm gonna do it and when that starts   to fail when they start making mistakes  they start talking to themselves and saying   all you have to do is help out a little bit you  know why are you not able talking to themselves   why are you not able to actually follow through  this i can't just magically make this happen why do they do it well they engage in this  behavior trying to rescue themselves because   they still think that they're right and but  they also recognize that they might be wrong   part of them is saying we need to do this  it's unhealthy to be in this relationship   and then there's that scared inner child  or that's there's that traumatized other   that's inside their head that says yeah  no we can't do this by ourselves so within   codependency you've got a person that's arguing  between their present self and their past self they're afraid to not try to change because  they recognize how dysfunctional it is   and they try to change when the pain gets so  bad they don't know what else to do they start   washing their hands they're like i can't do this  anymore so that's where the rescuing goes but then   it falls short because they still don't have the  tools they need to set boundaries to communicate   to feel lovable to be independent they still are  terrified of abandonment they still feel unsafe   in the world and in their skin  unless they're controlling everything so it turns to self-persecution when  trying to control themselves or even   guilt themselves does not work they get  angry resentful at themselves and hurt   they tell themselves things would be so much  better if i would only do what i know i should do   they guilt themselves well a better  stronger person would be able to do   this clearly that must not be me or they may  turn to resentment i don't know why i even try   because apparently i must not deserve to  be loved i must not deserve to be happy   so that resentment that guilt that anger  starts to come out in critical inner self-talk and when they turn on themselves they start to  feel victimized again those old trauma wounds are   reopened in their past relationships when things  started going south who got the blame they got the   blame they started being victimized by those  around them who told them this is your fault   so they start feeling unsafe and powerless  exhausted and terrified because they're looking   around going i couldn't control the dysfunctional  other hell i can't even control my own behaviors   what do i do so they may react with withdrawal  depression shutting down addictive behaviors   when they get a little bit  more energy they're like okay   all right i can't do this by myself i need  to be in this relationship with somebody   if i was only a little bit better if i only  controlled it a little bit more tightly then   maybe things would work out so then they go back  to the dysfunctional leather and the triangle   starts again they may not go back to the same  dysfunctional other but they often go back to   a dysfunctional other and it can be a new romantic  relationship it can be a dysfunctional friendship   it can be go working in a dysfunctional workplace  or even working in a workplace where it's your job   to take care of people who are at least  temporarily unable to take care of themselves trauma especially abandonment trauma is usually  at the root of codependency trauma causes people   to feel unsafe and powerless codependent behaviors  develop as a way to control the situation and try   to regain that power when not in total control  traumatic memories are reopened and trigger that   desire that need to control someone or something  if i don't control it i'm going to disappear if i   don't control it really bad things are going  to happen so then those rescuing behaviors   are triggered again if they're controlling  something they they don't feel as out of control

Channel: Doc Snipes

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Keywords: Dawn Elise Snipes, Cheap CEUs, unlimited ceus, hpcsa, crcc, lcsw ceus, lcdc ceus, lmft ceus, lmhc ceus, ce broker, addiction ceus, LADC CEU, MAC CEU, counseling skills, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes, doc snipes, counselor education, mental illness, allceus, cognitive behavioral, certificate programs, online course, counseling, live ceus, live webinars, counselling, masterclass, self help, nce, ce4less, understanding, co-dependency, codependency, trauma, drama triangle

Id: JZgTpYg-4UQ

Length: 21min 38sec (1298 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 03 2022