15 Signs You are Hitting Bottom in Codependency

hey everybody and welcome to this video on hitting  bottom in codependency i'm your host dr donnelly   snipes ceus are available for counselors and  social workers at AllCEUs.com/CoD-ceus let's start out with talking about what hitting  bottom actually means it's a term we use a lot   in addiction but it's one we don't use as much in  mental health however to change people need to hit   bottom it needs to become more uncomfortable  to stay the same than it is to change   change is hard even if it seems like the best  choice when faced with a choice people choose the   option that is the most rewarding or the least  painful so we're let's talk about codependency   here people are faced with a choice do i address  the codependency and get out of this what i can   even see objectively is an unhealthy relationship  or do i stay in this relationship that i know that   is meeting certain needs right now that i can  predict that i feel like i've got some element   of control whereas change is a complete unknown  so you can see why some people may have difficulty   choosing to move towards a different way of  interacting will often not change until it's more   painful to stay the same than it is to change  think about times when you've tried to change   anything you've tried to start exercising you've  tried to change a particular behavior it takes   energy it takes effort and it's uncomfortable  whatever you're trying to do differently is often   means taking away something that was in some way  rewarding like if you start to try right now my   kids have recently moved out and so i've had to  take over what they have been doing for chores   for the past you know 15 years and i am changing  my behavior so when i get home in the evening   i'm swiffering the house and i'm dusting the  end tables and things that changing litter boxes   i didn't used to do that i used to come home make  supper and then kind of collapse at the end of the   day and i can't do that anymore and i kind of miss  that sometimes however it it is important to me   to make that change so what am i giving up  i'm giving up some of my couch potato time   however what am i getting i'm getting a  house that stays clean to my standards   hitting bottom is when the person realizes that  the change is the only way to stop the pain   in codependency the person who is codependent  will look around at their life and they'll say   this is my vision of a rich and meaningful  life and gosh most of the things that are   important to me are going to hell in a hand  basket right now because of this relationship   maybe it's time for a change because  the pain is worse than staying the same i do want to mention that most people with  codependent behaviors have a history of   abandonment trauma that has caused them  to develop complex post-traumatic stress   and i mention that because the symptoms of  codependency and cptsd often significantly overlap   and it's important to recognize and address the  trauma and not just assume that this is a quote   relationship behavior or a quote addictive  behavior well yeah it's a behavior   and it may be an addictive behavior in a in  an addictive relationship but it's serving   a function what function is that often to provide  a sense of safety and security to somebody who is   terrified of abandonment and rejection codependent  behaviors often develop during that traumatic time   to help the person try and survive now why did i  not say childhood sometimes codependency doesn't   develop in childhood sometimes it's the result  of being in a relationship with somebody that   starts out healthy and then they develop  an addiction and you continue to try to   pursue them and quote fix them and get the  person back that you initially got together with   for people to be willing to recover or  change any behavior they must be motivated   the more important the behavior to survival the  more intense the motivation must be if i am going   to get motivated to use my earlier example to  swiffer and dust every evening when i come home   that's not super important to survival so it  doesn't take a whole lot of motivation for   me to say okay i can get up off the sofa and  do this if i'm going to change something huge   then like you know getting out of a relationship  that is clearly serving a function at this point   then the motivations off obviously  going to have to be a lot stronger what does hitting bottom look like well in  codependency remember people are obsessively   anxious they're hyper vigilant to what's going  on they're cut constantly trying to keep the   dysfunctional other from relapsing they're  constantly trying to protect these dysfunctional   other from the consequences of their own  actions they're constantly trying to keep the   dysfunctional other from becoming angry becoming  distressed or experiencing anything that might   cause them to relapse it's exhausting  and it takes a crap ton of energy   so physically the person with codependency  often experiences sleep impairment   that underlying hyper vigilance and anxiety  and feelings of disempowerment and unsafeness   because of the situation often keeps them from  getting that good sleep as a result of impaired   sleep and high tension and high stress they  experience increased pain and illness including   exacerbation or even development for some  people of autoimmune issues there's low energy   not only because of a lack of sleep but because  their body is constantly revving just kind of   waiting for the next shoe to drop and some people  develop substance use or addictive behaviors   now why didn't i say addictions may not rise to  the level of being an addiction but they may start   heavily using substances or other  behaviors in order to try to escape   from the pain of the codependent relationship  affectively or emotionally the obsessive anxiety   turns to major depression or explosive anger  when people with codependency start to get to   the point where they're hitting bottom they start  to become emotionally disregulated so when they're   not raging when they're not furious or frantic  they're flat or depressed and just don't have the   energy and it's usually one extreme or the other  and they start to notice that they feel like their emotions come in tidal waves instead  of sprinkles they're often played with regret   and resentment they regret  the things that they've lost   as a result of the relationship they  resent the dysfunctional other for   putting them in that position they resent other  people for for abandoning them when they wouldn't   leave the dysfunctional other there's a lot  of regret and resentment both of which by   the way are anger feelings to go around and as i  mentioned there's frequent emotional dysregulation   cognitively there's hyper vigilance the person  is constantly scanning for any clues that the   dysfunctional other may be getting ready to  relapse or abandon them so they're hyper vigilant   to every non-verbal every verbal clue and they  start to engage in mind reading you looked at me   sideways therefore you must be thinking this and  that means bad things are going to happen so they   start second guessing or assuming they know the  other person's feelings thoughts and intentions   when you're this stressed out when you're  this hyper vigilant constantly scanning   constantly looking for hints that you know  it's gonna go bad you can't concentrate   your body is not able to say hey i'm in the  middle of this flat fight or flea response but   let's focus on the excel spreadsheet  right now it ain't going to happen the person hitting bottom all starts to engage in  stinking thinking which is another term we use in   addiction but generally it's characterized  by all or nothing thinking you're either   all for me or you're against me and it's  either all my fault or it's not my fault at all   and personalization a lot of people with  addictive behaviors including codependency   personalize everything you're angry it must  be my fault you relapsed it must be my fault   you had a bad day and crashed the  car somehow it must be my fault and cognitively i didn't know where to stick this  one people who are hitting bottom in any addiction   often say that they're sick and tired of being  sick and tired they are over it they have run   out of energy they've run out of motivation  they've realized that something needs to change environmentally when the person is  hitting bottom remember i said the pain   of staying the same has to be worse than  the pain of change because change is hard   making amends is hard letting go of  control is hard but the person who's   hit bottom in codependency looks around one day  and realizes they've lost pretty much everything   the friends that they used to have have  kind of washed their hands and been like   i can't be party to this anymore i can't enable  this behavior family has done the same thing   a lot of times in codependency whatever the  dysfunctional others issue is whether it's   mental health issues or addiction issues it costs  a lot of money so the money is gone the person   with codependency very often has problems at work  at the very least or loses their job because they   are so obsessed and consumed with enabling the  dysfunctional other that they call in sick or   they don't focus at work or they make mistakes or  all of the other emotional and cognitive issues   make their productivity and work product  just kind of disappear their health   has also gone you know they look around  remember i said they have increased pain   increased illness reduced sleep a lot  of times people with codependencies that the stress of the relationship is   impairing their immune system it's impairing  their health it's actually literally killing them   and often when the person with codependency hits  bottom they may have lost the dysfunctional other   the dysfunctional other may be so steeped  in their problem in their issue that   they realize that the person with  codependency realizes on some level   i can't bring them back from this and the  dysfunctional other may be actually pushing   them away going you know what get out of my life  i just i can't deal with having you around anymore relationally the person who's hitting bottom with  codependency has low self-esteem to begin with   but now they're really feeling empty and worthless  because with codependency they had a very unstable   or weak sense of who they were and a sense of  self is what we call it and when they are no   longer needed when they are no longer caretaking  for the dysfunctional other they don't know what   their job is they don't know who they are they  don't know what they're supposed to do and that   starts to feel really terrifying compulsive care  taking also starts to turn to helpless resentment   the person who's hitting bottom starts looking at  the dysfunctional other going no matter what i do   no matter how much i turn my life upside  down and hurt myself you're not changing and   they start to develop a lot of resentment  towards the dysfunctional other they're   not ready to let them go yet but they're  starting to get really angry and resentful   um but they feel helpless to change anything  they're terrified to let go but they're also   recognizing that they can't change  it in in psychology again i said   martin seligman devised a term called learned  helplessness and when we contin when we do   things and no matter what we do there's a painful  consequence at a certain point sometimes we just   give up and lay down and take it and that's where  we're at with people when they're hitting bottom so what does it mean to let go what does  it mean to change letting go of these   codependent behaviors is terrifying that  for many people means letting go of control   and if they in the past if they've let go of  control bad things have happened letting go   of this relationship and letting go of these  behaviors that have worked to some extent   until now is terrifying so sometimes i'll do an  activity with the people i work with where we talk   about reframing letting go what are you letting  go of but then what are you getting control of   vulnerability when you're letting go you become  very vulnerable when you don't have somebody   else that you're trying to control you don't  have somebody else that is providing structure   on the same end yes you're vulnerable but now you  only have to use your energy to control yourself   and you can use it to move towards  those things that are important letting go of codependent behaviors means  accepting that you could not change or fix it   or them okay that's terrifying because it often  represents the fact that you may not have been   been able to change other relationships  as well however you also when you do that   the flip side is you start to recognize that it  wasn't me it was something that was not changeable   but it was not me when you let go of codependent  behaviors you grieve the loss of the fantasy   you're not going to get the person back that  you thought you were in a relationship with   or that you hoped you could make out of this  diamond in the rough it ain't gonna happen   so that's terrifying and heartbreaking so there's  some grieving that happens when you let go of   those codependent behaviors but you also get with  it an increased awareness and appreciation of the   present moment okay i'm not going to get  this prince that rides in on a white horse   ain't going to happen what do  i have in the present moment and when you let go of codependent behaviors  it means you've got to learn a whole new skill   set which can feel very overwhelming  however what you're doing is gathering   tools to help you be the person you  want to be and there's no time frame   it's not like you've got to learn all these  skills in two weeks you've got time to do it if the videos on this channel have been helpful  for you please support us in our mission to   make high quality practical content available to  everyone you can donate at docsnipes.com donate   join the channel at docsnipes.com join or purchase  a thanks on any video that you particularly like once a person's decided to change there's  a grieving process that has to happen   they're letting go of a behavior they're  letting go of a dream they're letting go of   you know a lot of things control   remember in the grief process we have denial  anger bargaining depression and acceptance when a person hits bottom the grieving process  denial when they're in that place they're still   saying it's them and not me i can fix them  then they're gonna love me and i'll feel happy   well once they bust out of that denial a lot of  people move to anger and we see the person in with   codependency bounce back and forth between  all of these feelings while they're in the   relationship it's kind of interesting there is an  ongoing grief process so then they move to anger   if the dysfunctional other would only do what  i tell them things would be okay and i could   relax they don't appreciate my sacrifices so  they're angry that they can't control the person   and they're angry and feeling unappreciated  bargaining all right okay let me step back   maybe if i do x y and z then there then they'll  change you know let me let me see can i bargain   with you if i do these things will you quote  behave and the dysfunctional other may say yes   may say no but the person with codependency is  still trying to figure out how to make it work   depression nothing i do makes them  change it's hopeless i am helpless and   that is the place where the person is really  hitting that bottom when they're hopeless and   helpless they recognize what they've been doing  ain't working and it probably never will work   so they're having to find something else  they're having to let go of this pattern and finally acceptance continuing to do what  i've been doing and expecting different results   is insanity it's another phrase that we often use  in recovery circles my life with this person has   become unmanageable and i'm powerless to change  them that's step one of codependence anonymous   i have to make a change if i want the things  in my life that are important and that is   the final assertion in acceptance when the  person has accepted that they have to let go   of this dream this fantasy this this relationship  hitting bottom is part of the grieving process   when making a significant change one of the  things that you can do to raise the bottom   which means help a person get motivated before  they have to experience even worse consequences   is to increase awareness make a collage of all the  things people and activities that are important in   your rich and meaningful life cross out the ones  that have been harmed or are likely to be harmed   by your codependency you know that's a pretty  stark picture when you start looking at it and i   encourage you not to use words but to actually  do a collage because if you're talking about   harming the relationship with your kid and you  have to put a big red x through your kid's face   that's kind of startling when you step back  and look at it so it can be a wake-up call once people start becoming more aware  they're going to become more motivated   but a lot of people with codependency if not all  are terrified of being alone because they don't   know who they are if they're alone they may not  have ever been in a place where they haven't been   taking care of someone so they don't know what to  do the loneliness the trauma the depression the   anxiety the grief everything they're going through  they think oh my gosh if i have to go through this   alone it might just completely overwhelm me which  is why it's important to join a support group   or begin counseling but this is what  i call placing an anchor when you are   rock climbing or mountain climbing you know  as you go up you periodically place anchors   so if you start to slip you're not going to  fall all the way back to the bottom you're   only going to fall a little bit of the way so  place an anchor support groups codependents   anonymous adult children of alcoholics there are  a lot of different free support groups out there   your community also may have other  support groups for codependency final thoughts recognize that the recovery from  codependency requires that you grieve the loss   of the relationship with the dysfunctional other  there was something about that relationship that   was very important to you you grieve the loss of  the hope for a relationship with the imaginary   dysfunctional other and i mentioned this earlier  the diamond and the rough a lot of people who are   codependent get involved with others dysfunctional  others who need to be rescued or seem to need to   be rescued so the person with codependency sees  them as a diamond in the rough i'll just polish   them up and i will make them into this shiny  diamond that ain't going to happen other people   may have been in a relationship with  the person when they were healthy   and then the person developed an addiction or  other problem and they hold on to this dream   of having the jim bob that they married  back and that person may not come back   if the current jim bob is steeped in  addiction or trauma or something else   the repeated loss of the original dysfunctional  other is another thing to grieve most people   who are codependent or have codependent  behaviors have some original traumas that   every time a relationship breaks up  especially a codependent relationship   that initial relationship that didn't  work out which is often with the caregiver   is is repeated you know they feel like they're  losing dad or mom all over again and it's going   to be important to grieve that the original  dysfunctional other that started all of this   and they need to grieve all of the things  that they've lost along the way as a result   of these dysfunctional relationships so  there's a lot of grieving to go around   related videos are linked in  the notes to this presentation

Channel: Doc Snipes

Views: 114,180

Keywords: Dawn Elise Snipes, Cheap CEUs, unlimited ceus, hpcsa, crcc, lcsw ceus, lcdc ceus, lmft ceus, lmhc ceus, ce broker, addiction ceus, LADC CEU, MAC CEU, counseling techniques, counseling skills, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes, doc snipes, counselor education, mental illness, allceus, all ceus, online course, counseling, live ceus, live webinars, counselling, masterclass, self help, nce, ce4less, addiction recovery, codependency, recovery, addiction, addictive relationships, signs

Id: 6F-NMtOVmJI

Length: 25min 46sec (1546 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 15 2022