5 Practices to Nurture Your Relationship Beyond Valentine’s Day - Letters From Esther Live

hey everyone today we're going to talk about five practices to nurture your relationship Beyond Valentine's Day yes yesterday it was Valentine's Day our annual mandatory celebration of love and I want to talk about this whole concept of Valentine's Day the best our worst and who are most surprising of the Valentine days that we have experienced you know the broader culture has no room for the reality that sometimes we can be in such a relationship rut that celebrating love like weddings or showers or anniversaries or birthdays or Valentine's days feels like a total contradiction in terms and I remember one of these events you know every one of these events because it instantly puts me in a kind of an evaluation of where is my life at and where is my relationship at does it deserve to be celebrated has it reached the right amount of positive evaluation you know it comes down to very basic question like this one is there a cause for celebration other than the fact that I'm supposed to sure that many of you can relate to that question when we're having an issue in our love life and the skills have tipped to the negative these events these mandatory holidays and celebrations fill me and I think Phil many of us with feelings of shame or failure or loneliness or exclusion like I don't belong like everybody else seems to be celebrating and having a great time look where am I where I am at yeah and in fact I asked a few of you on social to tell me about your worst Valentine's Day because I think we need to kind of temper ourselves a little bit and get down to to reality and some of the descriptions were so poignant I literally felt them on my skin I walked in on my boyfriend cheating two days before but it was too expensive to cancel the plans so so we went with it or the first Valentine's Day this year after I lost my husband or today my husband and I both realized that after 22 years it's over or the one right now the one yesterday heartbroken after a breakup a few weeks ago my partner turned up completely drunk to a dinner at a fancy restaurant I this one unfortunately this Valentine because people have been texting me about my singleness when I fell down the stairs at the cinema and my date was too embarrassed to help me and so two other men had to help me one when everyone around me was enjoying the day even among friends and I had no one so the sense of being isolated separated from the rest of people today because I've been dating a guy for six months and there was not a card and not a special text and nothing that kind of speaks for itself I took a sleeping pill to get through it and I had a 12-hour night's sleep so that this person could wake up the next morning on the other side of this event and I read this and I'm thinking about My Own Worst Valentine which was quite a few years ago but I remember it vividly you know a few days earlier I was practically hissing at my husband don't even think about going out for Valentine like you know that's the last thing on my plan you know we were going through a really rough period we were running our therapy practices raising two kids I was traveling across the Atlantic to take care of my elderly parents and we basically disagreed a lot on how to handle each of these Herculean responsibilities and it's not like we were at War but we were more at each other than with each other that's for sure and then suddenly it was the second week in February and my husband asks me what do you want to do for Valentine's Day you know it's the question that isn't really a question you know because but it what I interpret there is I don't want to do anything for Valentine's Day do you because if you do something's wrong with you because don't you see the shambles that we are in let's just say we were not feeling very romantic and we were stuck in the trenches and a day turned for Valentine's Day seemed ludicrous and it wouldn't have been different if it was our anniversary or if it was a birthday I think that every one of these events that seem to magnify and ritualize the relationship can trigger this kind of reaction whereas in good years celebrating any of these events Valentine's anniversaries birthdays you know had been a welcome ritual for us and now it felt like these events were kind of designed to shame us celebrating ourselves would have felt like a farce and it was hard to see in that moment what would eventually really come that we would repair that we'd figure it out that we would laugh again and basically that we would have fun for decades to come but we had to really work hard to pull ourselves out of the pit and any of you who are familiar with the variety of relationship plunges I'm going to tell you what made the difference and these are those five practices to nurture your relationship so stay tuned because I first want to do the housekeeping and then we're going to go into this beautiful Little Gems of practices thanks for joining me two letters from Esther live my monthly Workshop series that helps you reflect and act and develop greater self-confidence and relational intelligence in all your relationships this series happens monthly on YouTube and on Facebook live if you want more letters from Esther just visitor.com blog the blog is almost celebrating its fifth anniversary or birthday so you've been with me some of you and others are joining for the first time it is really the Trove where a lot of the very concrete advice and help and suggestions for skills and tools for your relationships and to basically make them as vibrant and colorful as they can be so I invite you every month join me here or on YouTube uh to discuss the letter life so I write it you read it and then we come together right here and we discuss it we interact around the ideas so that they can become even more palpable and actionable for you but before we start consider reaching out to anyone who you think could use this at this point and you've you've been in touch with the people around you who could use this conversation for the next little while um take notes take notes because we don't remember our attention spans are fractured and it helps to then go back afterwards and read the things that's very important to us in the moment if you like what you learned today just like it and subscribe to it um it's the best way for us to be connected on an ongoing basis so my question to you who can relate you know I want to know who's here I read you some of the descriptions that the people said but all of you here today you know have you ever had a situation like this a Valentine's Day or a anniversary or or wedding for that matter that turned into a real um negative experience or even a disaster sometimes where or just simply that it felt utterly not worthy to celebrate or that you didn't feel worthy of Celebration or was it yesterday tell me in the chat so I can really get a quick sense as to what are your experiences here um okay you're joining me from everywhere Costa Rica Canada but I'm just gonna see what you're writing always hated Valentine's Day but the last few years okay um yes keep going yesterday was okay yeah um yes this is more where you are from at this moment so I will okay last few years they've been worse okay yeah yeah question is what makes them worse what makes them better right in the middle of one right now yeah absolutely uh oh okay okay yes yes yes yes yes hi Karen Myra Valentina May Laura Tinka I see you all I see you all so you know um I want to start with a way of um addressing the ruts that is not the typical first entry point people often want to talk about communication and building intimacy and trust and all of that I actually want to talk about the role of humor for a moment um people are always surprised to hear that a relationship therapist like I am one you know can have rough patches in their marriage but seriously if I hadn't I don't think that I could be nearly as effective at my job I mean you don't become good in the work because you never have any of these issues you become better in the work because you've had many of those issues because you're like many other people a regular mortal citizen so my skills have certainly helped us get through the rough patch but I really owe it to my husband's flirty sense of humor I think that he's the one who really got us out you know every time we were like sinking sinking you know nothing does I see relationships like a masterful diffuser who can finally bring some much needed lightness when I need a reminder as to why this occasionally or more than occasionally frustrating person is the great love of my life I pull out a book proposal that he once gifted me and I want to read it to you so I get this proposal and he says I signed a deal and it the title of the book is making your marriage work a guide for men with Dynamic attractive passionate and insanely demanding wives and then I start to read I say oh that's an interesting you know it doesn't dawn on me right away who is talking about right so is it worth the work um you know peace and quiet versus dynamism in marital relations throwing in the towel and then ducking when the towel comes back flying at you chapter two spelled or spoiled searching the psychological lexicon for explanations for such Madness and more importantly explanations for what kind of men would put up with such Madness chapter 3 changing the frame from blame toward a relational view of inherently difficult relationships The Clash of the aliens agendas from different worlds genders class ethnicity religion nationality chapter 4 the martial arts of marital Warfare from below the belt to Black Belt strategies for positive change in relationships so I read this and of course I crack up it's like wow you know we can become a piece of art we can become a book we can become a source and a resource for others um and I couldn't remember what I was so upset about I just thought wow you know anybody who can take the seriousness that sometimes sets in into the rut and kind of dilute it basically it's that is art that is the art of humor as a diffuser in during conflict in relationships and then I thought of the work of my friend and colleague Terry real we were just teaching together at Blue spirit in Costa Rica and on reflecting I was reminded of a quote from him where he said relationships are our biosphere we're not above them we're in them you can choose to pollute your biosphere by having a temper tantrum over here but you'll breathe in that pollution by your partner's withdrawal or resentment or lack of generosity over there you and they are connected in an ecosystem there's no better advice for those of us warring with a partner and believe it or not Terry's words also apply to Valentine's Day it's not just the day in February when card companies and chocolates make their annual windfall you take an ecological approach and once a year holiday to prove Your Love becomes a big red reminder to nourish your biosphere a big red reminder to nourish your biosphere so what I did was I started a proper self-assessment I think that that's really the place to start so I made a list of very Noble behaviors and I want you to ask yourself have you been unkind unfair downright mean indifferent neglectful nasty passive aggressive stingy manipulative critical defensive vindictive holding on to a grudge and is anyone here willing to admit to all of the above or any of the above I write to you my own behaviors on occasion of course that's not who all of who I am but that's how many of us are at times when we are in a particular situation you know so I feel fair with yourself you can ask yourself the next set of questions which I then wrote for myself too have I been as generous as I know that I can be have I been attentive or have I been talking like this right have I been caring loving have I taken initiatives about the things that I want rather than complaining that my partner isn't doing those very things I could just as well do it right have I been responsible have I been playful have I been curious have I been affectionate have I been desirous and I hope you can answer yes to many of these prompts as well so when you reflect on this question what do I need to do for the health of my ecosystem so let me see a second you know Dave uh Ali totally so much expectation uh I was going through my divorce and it was terrible so those are still the negative experiences Diane feeling not wanting and a little text in the evening happy valentine long ago exit funky fire I'm reading yours that my husband didn't even get me a card yesterday did you give a card to your partner you know we often did we and we didn't get responded to is one experience but we didn't and we tested our partner to see if they would that's a separate story and I think there may be different ones here right um okay that's me by the way often I need to be more playful yes Michelle uh Celine I've been all above from time to time yes I think it's I think you know the it's it's actually freeing to be honest and to say I when I am in a certain mode I can do any of these things or my preferred three because everyone has a style of how we want to how we live in Conflict but let me give you five practices to nurture your relationships any day of the year for that matter right it doesn't matter that v-day has passed so how do we surprise our partners with our thoughtfulness because it's easy to become lazy or complacent or complaining that the other person isn't putting in the effort particularly when we have jobs and kids that are ever demanding but I really do think that it's crucial to bring intentionality into our daily life with our partner it's small little things it's a gaze that lingers a few seconds longer it's a smile it's a it's good to see you it's the nice to wake up with you it's the I was thinking of you today and you send something a text that is not about something that needs to be done or bought you know all of these little moments that say you matter you're important you're special that's it you matter you're important you're special it goes a long way and it's small little things it's not the routines it's not just the habits I make you coffee every morning that's nice too but there's little just textures that really convey I'm part of this relationship and that's and I'm watering it so that we don't just live like a cactus invite your partner into a new ritual could be a nightly walk after dinner a light candle the lighting of a candle while you get the food ready or while you go for bed or a little you know not just the making of the coffee in the morning but sitting down for 10 minutes and just saying what are you look what do you look forward to today what's on your plan to do what's on your menu you know what's important for you today what's one thing you'd like to feel today or to think about or things that say you are a full human being and lots of things are happening rather than domestic you know materiality that is there we're gonna be doing that anyway but it's often by the way the things that people ask kids when they have kids or friends but not their partners two so number one is the intentionality new rituals what's a little something we could do together that gives a symbolic meaning to our relationship number two communicate you know notes notes go a long way you know notes that are surprising not notes because it's the Valentine's Day or because it's a birthday it's the cards that you send when you don't need to it's the little note that you put on the fridge next to the toothbrush on the pillow that just says I'm grateful for our life together or thank you for being there or something that acknowledges it's the acknowledgment that says I see you you know I was talking recently with a patient about how when somebody else makes us something that is delicious we see that is delicious we make a statement that says you cooked something that is really so good for me that I enjoy so thoroughly well why don't we say this beyond the concreteness of a dish it's like you are delicious not just what you cooked for me is delicious right um I enjoy touching you I enjoy holding hands with you it feels nice because you're not just saying I like holding your hand you're also saying to the other person you are a source of joy and pleasure to me that makes the other person feel seen that's why these comments are so important and especially in the Physical Realm we we often think that this is enough no this accompanied with it's such a pleasure to stroke your hand to hold it to play with it that makes the other person feel seen not just our experience number three collaborate with them set a goal together you know what's one thing that we could do every month every two months that we want to bring back into our relationships and offer your ideas so write them down in advance don't just come empty-handed to the table either reading a great book together or taking a class together participating in a movie club together but something that creates conversations that are beyond the everyday so that you you are attending something because too often people go and attend something alone and so they get the input but the relationship doesn't get the input number four hold yourself accountable by the way all of these are in any order and for some of us the accountable needs to be number one you know agree to let go of something I have been holding on to this Grudge or to this fear or to to this disappointment for too long and I'm ready to let go of this for us and be honest in the assessment of how you are participating in the stock Dynamic it's so easy to see what the other person doesn't do constantly it's much harder for us to see what is it that I do that makes it more likely for me not to get the very thing I'm asking for because I'm basically setting myself up so that awareness the long list of behaviors once we've written them for ourselves it's another thing to go to our partner and say listen I think yesterday I was manipulative I think I can get passive aggressive sometimes I know I can be highly reactive I know I sometimes don't listen with enough attention when you're talking to me I know that I do this and I know that that is something that is not good or that you don't like goes a long way it's being responsible you don't have to go into big blame into a big shame it just says I do stuff you know we all do and then don't just point the finger you know look at the whole ecosystem you know if a person is upset here it may not just be because of what happened yesterday it's a long chain of event and then you can see I realized that this is still polluting our system that it's not resolved yet even though it's been three months maybe we need to go back and revisit one more time you know when we did this workshop together Terry and I Midway through the session we began screaming at each other all the things that couples say and do when they have big blowouts you know um and he we were talking about five majorly defeating strategies you know that you know for sure would land us nowhere I'm gonna list them because it's the opposite of them that are also part of those five practices you know um I'm right you're wrong I'm right you're wrong you know instead of let me hear what you have to say it has nothing to do with if somebody is right or wrong it's just there are different points of views and different experiences coexisting in a relationship you know um controlling your partner you know I'm gonna tell you what you're doing wrong you know I know you better than you know yourself you know controlling ventilating you know big massive you always do this this has always been the case from the first day I met you you know big piling up kitchen sinking ventilating boundary-less unbounded maximizing yeah retaliation oh oh I am going to make you feel exactly how much you hurt me you will know how I feel because I'm gonna make you feel exactly the same you get the tone of it right and then we drawing I'm out of here talk talk I have nothing to listen to you know talk to my lawyer as Terry said you know but we've all been guilty sometimes of using any of these strategies and they leave us feeling really entrenched in the fight so how do we switch it which one is the one this is for each of us which is the one that I'm most likely to air on what's my default networks so to speak right my default position and from there which is the one that I want to make an effort to really turn around so let me see a few more things that you've been telling me here retaliation is something I did a lot in my last relationship yeah nobody like to be disrespected yes not one um yes pleasure Roots I see I'm always creating sacred spaces for Imagined relationships that somehow never unfold yes I read you what would you recommend so my partner doesn't eat all the cookies when I'm watching this talk hi Patrick you can move with the talk to the cookies who said you have to be so far I strive for all of these Kristen small gestures husband will not kiss me and me anymore not even a peck it hurts beyond anything I would have expected and do you know why are you able to talk about it is he holding something back is he afraid to say something he thinks would hurt you what's the story underneath this Susan different points of views and experience in a relationship yes in kitchen sinking yes ventilating is my default Melina yes Selena sorry Melanie uh there are other women willing to look good for my man so make it a point to look attractive for myself yes withdrawal so everybody can recognize some of these here yeah yeah so let's go to the questions let's talk together let me hear from you [Music] what are the questions hope we can how do we Nike uh how do we take responsibility while still communicating being heard by someone when something significant other did or did not listen [Music] there's time for everything and often if I say I know what I did or I take my responsibility for this or I'm well aware of that or I want to take ownership for this or I realize that you know I brought this this and this into a relationship don't be afraid that because you are saying I'm responsible for a that that immediately makes your partner get away with the thing that they are also responsible for or that it negates you're being able to see but there are certain things that you did to me as well this is not an eye for an eye I can only acknowledge something if I'm the same breath I'm also telling you what you did wrong to me so that I don't ever stay in the space of responsibility it's okay it's okay you won't forget the other things and you're more likely that you partner then on most often will say I realize what I did too and if you have a partner who only expects apology from you all the time ownership for you but never takes responsibility for anything you have bigger fish to fry that is a personality issue on the other side that I think you really want to tackle but not as part of an argument it's okay to not to for a moment let go of your own grievance and just sit in your own agency yes how to be nurturing and give praise when you're so frustrated at not having my own needs met especially domestically and the family mental load always think what is it that I can say that is likely to actually make the other person do more of what I want withholding praise because you're so pissed isn't gonna get you more help so if I do more of that praising if I acknowledge you know typically we won't want to say you know I have to thank you because you took the laundry you know if you want me to give me the list of everything I did you know on one item if that is going to get the partner to do three more things why not as Terry loves to call this it's enlightened self-interest and light and self-interest basically says I'm going to say what is more likely for me to get more of what I want rather than you don't deserve the praise of course this is irrelevant it's more pragmatic actually than just you know uh authentic and caring not that it's not authentic but the authenticity is I say the things that are more likely to bring out of my partner those things that make our relationship more robust you know and putting the other person down or being in chronic resentment ain't gonna do that so that doesn't mean that you don't have validity to the feeling of resentment and that you're not frustrated and feeling overwhelmed and feeling that you do so much more the question is what's another way that is more likely hopefully to bring me more of the help that I so need and long for and generally complaining and criticizing doesn't enough accomplish that I don't think I have ever seen somebody who said works great for me yes yes Karen why am I a nag for reminding my partner he said he'd do something but instead dude began a whole new project before finishing an important agreed project yeah so he says you're a nag um look it means you're on my back you're constantly picking at me you're only pointing at the things that I didn't do and you are basically saying we had an agreement and I feel neglected or invisible or uncared for that you selfishly went ahead and did something that was important to you so now the trick of this is how do you say I'm really hurt I'm disappointed without it saying you did something wrong sometimes that's the good sometimes people do the wrong things but in this instance it's like you went ahead and did this thing and I was really counting on you now the question is always is your partner able to hear you have a feeling or is your partner instantly going to pick up on the blame even if there isn't any because it's easier to fight back on blame than to actually deal with the sadness or the hurt that lives inside of you and you know what was on your mind you know that you wanted I get that you wanted to do this other project but um I was counting on you and um I think one of the things I really love is when I can rely on you and that when you come true that feels so nice and uh do you think we could have this here look it's very difficult to change the tone when you're in the midst of the you know so you don't do it at that moment you wait and then you go back and you just say I love it when I can count on you there's something that gives me such a sense of a back behind me that I can lean on and uh it's a great feeling what about it happening here yes how can we apply these principles over long distance relationships you have to get through a rot when you're so far away from each other it's much harder yes but it doesn't prevent you from changing the conversation instead of what did you do today what did you do today or you you didn't call me enough for this so that you know do for the other what you what you say you want now it's a tricky thing because sometimes we do for our partner that which we would want our partner to do for us but it's not exactly what they would want we call them five times a day because it's what we would want but it's not what they need so then the next thing is you know I understand you like to have the three days off to talk once a week whatever I need a little bit more frequency how do we find a way for me not to overwhelm you and for you not to act in such a way that I end up constantly feeling hungry and longing it's kind of how this is the art of relationship this is not a thing that has a set solution you practice it you try to see which one works we try a different one you know it's about how do two people somewhat stay true to what suits them but at the same time do for the other because it's what the other person needs and a big chunk of a relationship is doing for the other just because it's them basically because we it because we want to do something that makes them feel good not because we agree that that's what should be or that's what we should want that's differentiation I do for you because it's you I don't really care about this and I don't really need it but I do it because it's important to you and that's the distinction often we get locked into wanting to convince our partner that the thing we want is important and should be important for them too not necessary it's okay for each of us to do something for the other just because they asked or because it's important to them even though we couldn't care less yes I think that's going to be our last one isn't learning is considered an epidemic in the age of certain distances I.E social media dating look I think what's important to understand is that loneliness modern loneliness is very different it's not just about not being in the presence of other people to not be in social situations it's actually often a kind of record result of the hyper connectivity in which we are not really connecting in which we often are experiencing a lack of belonging a lack of authenticity a lack of reciprocity a lack of depth and lack of reality in the exchanges and that creates a certain kind of loneliness it's loneliness when I sit next to somebody who is on the phone while I talk to them and I they are there but they are not present they're kind of listening but not really they're kind of there but they're not and I'm kind of there but I'm not them that all these features of modern loneliness are part of the the the ecosystem in which social media exists it's not only social media it's also any device we just simply have on our laptop that is mediating our connection and our relationships with others so five practices remember them accountability humor rituals [Music] um let me go back a second collaboration setting goals together um and ownership responsibility they're very different than tips they're actually really a change of your position in the relationship a change in belief and in behavior and in relatedness thanks so much everybody and I'll see you next month bye

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 59,622

Keywords:

Id: 7FPuK05bCGE

Length: 36min 57sec (2217 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 15 2023