The Skills to have Difficult Conversations - Letters from Esther Perel

can you say something so don't hi everyone and welcome to essential skills for difficult conversations I'm going to wait a couple seconds just for everybody to log on and to join us and for any of you ad-hoc there's someone who you think may benefit from being part of this conversation send them a note tell them to come out can't do it with the live event but certainly can do it with an online event so here it is and I'm just really really happy that you all joining me for letters from a stayer life which is my monthly series that helps you reflect and act and gain confidence and relational intelligence in all your relationships so this is a monthly series it happens on YouTube and on Facebook life and if you want any more information from me about those letters just go to Esther Perel comm slash blog and Jonas vegetable Jonas every month on YouTube or Facebook to discuss the newsletter life so you read it and then we discuss it remember once we used to learn like that submit your questions either in the chat box right here or just after you listen anywhere you want on where the videos are archived so let's run ourselves big arms big hug big circle that will comes and includes all of us then we do the hook to ourselves big virtual personal and collective help booth alright let's go you know in times like these what do I mean by in times like these prolonged uncertainty a pandemic restricted travel closed schools job losses social and economic upheavals turbulent times generally will exacerbate our opinions and our coping styles they will make them more extreme and I'm sure that many of you have noticed that all the divisions that we are seeing in the society at large are literally sitting next to us at the dinner table the closer the people sub-bands the harder to have the conversations with you know what are the most frequent topics that are causing tensions for you at this moment actually dinner table I would love to know we'd you partner with your friends with your family can you can I just ask you and quickly send us your answers in the chat I just want to get a sense where do you feel like you're about to burst when you have a conversations whatever really charged topics go ahead just share it with me would be lovely and also make sure you have a pen and paper right there next to you because some of the things you're gonna write to me and some of the things you're gonna share with each other so but I don't see anything come into my chat so I don't know if you're not answering me or if it's me who's not seeing it Tim if you want you can help me on that one but you know pay attention for a second these very charged conversations you find them productive you find them unbearable I mean kind of how bad does it get right is there someone at your table who is constantly pontificating it needs to be the authority on everything is there someone at your table who refuses to listen to any other point of view is there someone at your table who plays the devil advocate consistently and just picks the one thing you know is there someone at your table who systematically starts to cry oh anti-racism work for white people political my ex-husband parenting finance finance racism to share with the kids everything from political to local and social issues to home repairs just about anything trust issues wearing a face mask okay we got it we're on the same page exactly the things that I'm thinking are creating the difficult conversations of the moment you know how challenging uncertainty of the future family secrets emergent yes that's a big one personal boundaries how to say I need space also without it being a rejection of another person how challenging is it for you to be close to people whose world views are different from you one I think that this is one of those difficult conversations you know how at the same time many of the debates these things that you've just mentioned at the dinner table they are the ones that are happening in the public square and they are the ones that are happening in your bedrooms and they are the ones that are happening at the tables with your family members your partners your children your colleagues your bosses just about everywhere you know this is a very rife but also right time to have conversations now when I say this is a good time the fact is that for all of history people have disagreed with each other about religion about politics about social justice about what is permitted what is forbidden what should be taboo what should be legislated by law versus what should be determined individually I mean these are questions that we have always had a virgins of opinion on in multiple opinions forever so while there is a certain kind of charging this moment it's not the first time that we're dealing with this thing in fact it's not the first time for me either I was thinking when I was young teenager in college for sure I remember vividly I could not have a political conversation with my parents particularly with my mother by the end I would be screaming I would be rushing from the table my mother would tell me you are impossible it's just not possible to have a conversation with you and I would say but do you hear what you're saying and my father would say she never said that and I would say how can you say that did you hear what she said and this was the bra every single time we would try to have conversations about politics about the abortion laws invention about the Middle East at the time but whatever was the big issue of the day it was it was charged so I am quite used to intense screaming for some way political conversations and the funny thing is that five minutes later we would continue to talk about past the beef like it was done we went back into the the normal just something I think that in this moment if I was to add a few of those you know there is the pandemic demonstrations on the street if love can conquer all if interracial marriages would actually make for a better world if a me-too denunciation should rest on the statement of the victim alone if you can be a good person and a racist on the interpretation of American history people are can have a very virulent conversation whether to wear a mask or not you just said that one whether online learning can be just as productive and effective as in-person same with online working if kids should go back to school if we should go back to our offices if you should take that trip we wanted if grandma and grandpa should meet the new baby and why our partner can't do the damn dishes I mean this is it right but the the we think in this particular moment July 2020 what are some of the charged conversations I think this is a rather conclusive tableau I could say so we're gonna do a few exercises that I think are gonna give us some of those essential skills but before that I did the exercise myself as well in a beautiful experience that I had last month on shared mind where I kind of offered the platform to Yvette no insurer who is the publicist of Beyonce runs the Beyonce Foundation also as a publicist of prints and basically we started with a whole conversation about immigration about being in cross-cultural and interracial marriages about raising children in a foreign culture and it was an incredible experience to really meet somebody that I had never known heard about neither of us had ever heard about each other and that was really new why would I partner together and to actually be curious and let the things reveal themselves in terms of our differences and our similarities and it reminded me you know the first 20 years of my career I worked with intercultural information and inter-religious families so these issues were front and center for me you know isn't marriage between two individuals or two families what is at stake in conversion in Baptism and circumcision is a christmas-tree a religious or a cultural symbol can you say do what's right for you without it having an effect or thinking about the effect that it has on the other people you know can you feel racism or rejection inside the family and not take it personal you know what do you do when someone says it's not personal you know so I'm not new to these questions and to the conversation that I had with Yvette that I found most enlightening and that I wrote about quite a bit in the newsletter so you know [Music] what we spoke about is kind of how how do you remain curious how do you actually not ask somebody how can you think about this but instead you ask them how did you come to think about this did you always think this way have your views evolved about this topic do you think alike to the people who raised you do that the messages and the beliefs that were handed down to you or did you form them yourself is the stance of curiosity that can help us a great deal when we start to feel the tension in our gut of like account I don't think I'm going to be able to sit here much longer and to continue to listen to this so take your piece of paper second going to put four questions in front of you so let's look at the slide for a moment pick one then take the next three to the next dinner conversation so just pick one for now the one that seems most relevant to you what are some of the messages that you grew up with in your family and the people who raised you about those that are different from you that could be living on the same block going to the same school living in the same building for that matter what was it that you were told about others those that are not like us for a variety of reasons they live in bigger places smaller places they look like us they don't look like a state worshipped like us they don't worship like us the basics I think everybody grows up with messages about odourless so that's first question and how similar are your views today about social racial religious lifestyle issues food for that matter basic values that you that you consider important to your family how much do you identify or versus how much do you separate yourself when it comes to those essential aspects of worldview and what would you say are the parts of your identity that have been assigned to you the things that were handed down to the past are legacy parts of your identity and what would you say are parts of your identity that you have chosen pick one of those questions write it down and then also share it with me in the chat box just we'd love to see which one of these questions actually grabs you and and what are the specifics we want to just be quiet for a moment and let you do this you you I by the way I'm sure that each of these questions would make for a terrific dinner conversation with strangers with friends with family members I've tried them so I promise they're vetted and I'm waiting to meet some of these answers in the chat box and one thing that I find really helpful if in these exercises is also to acknowledge the culture in which they take place is it a culture of debate or a culture of dialogue these conversations these messengers you know where they are they presented in order to be right to be combative to prove that the other person is wrong to win the conversation or to listen for flaws counter-arguments who people present opinions as if they are truths do they seek to ratify their positions that's for debate being right combative winning counter arguments confusing assumptions and opinions with truths all of that is debate versus dialogue are we talking in order to come up with a shared understanding a shared understanding of what are the complicated issues at stake in this question was the fact Oh nobody is fully free right are we aiming for some collaborative understanding for exploring common ground are we listening to understand to find meaning to find agreement rather than to find flaws and to counter argue are we listening to reevaluate our assumptions to see if there's something that you are saying that actually would make me think I may not change my mind but I could really with my assumptions and my listening in order to prove my point which means I'm not listening or am i listening in order to actually develop my point further maybe I will actually feel it stronger but it will come through the dialogue with you am i looking for new options I can't emphasize enough the importance of the distinction between cultural debate and a culture of dialogue so questions three and four are the most relevant messages about people who are different from me different means bad irresponsible in my family yeah yeah I mean the word difference is often not neutral at all it means not like us and not like us often means lesser than us or different from us in such a way that we can never bridge the gap that also it's like it's two different but difference is a word that is filled with nuances and subtexts about difference it's a it's an amazing word difference often countries are conflict difference aren't countries up we cannot be closed as if it's a gap attention space that in between pollution you know irreconcilable differences there's always the word irreconcilable I think you know that is so quickly attached to it but three and four the parts of your identity that had been assigned to you and the parts of your identity that you have chosen the places where you have your own sense of self-determination agency what authorship and the place is where you realize that you carry legacy stuff which you sometimes agree with and which you sometimes can't get rid of but don't but know that it no longer makes sense for you but you feel it so we have a slide also of debate and dialogue just so that you get a sense of it you know how did you come to make this decision versus I can't believe that's what you did that's who you voted for when it's basically a complete you know wiping off of the other person and the other is willing to say there is maybe some validity some good thinking some reason something I can understand about you so why do you act it in such a way that I would think is completely you know irresponsible or out of my of the mind my words you if you want a question a question about the other state that leads you to understand the other person is often really really useful and I'll tell you where I learned it I learned it when I hitched I'm four years on each type way back but I also did trust this country back and forth hitchhiking a while back and I spoke with people that I probably today would be probably too prejudiced to speak with because I think that I know where they're coming from whereas at the time I knew nothing about them and so I was totally curious neither did they know anything about me neither did they know where Belgium was but they picked me up and they took me from one state to another and I remember that that is probably one of the most pure states of curiosity that I had with people that I probably shared so little with except the magnitude of our humanity it's that thing that I'm trying to instill in us in order to have conversations that are challenging and difficult the research of Howard Markman is phenomenal about this it's when you disagree with someone ten seconds is about as much as we can tolerate hearing and if what they're talking about is us it's really ten seconds it means three sentences before we shut down we get flooded and all we do is think about the rebuttal so it's very very interesting to stay connected to the other person and it's a real chair how we see in touch with our own integrity and at the same time maintain the connection to people that we sometimes love dearly but can't believe that they think the way they do or act the way they do but it's the same person who also came to watch us at a game on those years and gave us cookies and gave us beautiful Christmas gifts and you know it's it's that it's really making a connection between that which keeps us connected to the person and also that which keeps us connected to ourselves how do you make sure that's another one not to confuse feeling really strongly about something with being right so that it's clear that this is an opinion nobody knows sometimes especially about those big questions that we all asked and if you need to take a break find something else to talk about don't stay in the conversation and just say don't just say you know we need to add me to disagree but just to say this is a difficult conversation for us to have we really have strong views about this and we're really having a hard time making room for both so should we talk about you know the quality of the bread that's on the table basically connect with something else leave it because then you don't stay stuck in it create movement create air create space then if you want you can come back so the middle of the exercise I want to ask you to do it's a letter exercise that I love to do in my with my patients that I did recently actually with my husband for program called this human moment with Keith Yamashita which I'm sharing the link with you too because I think it's a beautiful program that helps us with the reckoning of the moment and I was writing a letter on the back of my husband's in an effort to cross a bridge and then I thought I want to do that also with people that I really need really to cross a bridge but sometimes it is my husband too you know crossing the bridge to go and visit the person on the other side it's a beautiful metaphor that I received from my mentor heading Schleifer and when you cross that bridge you have to leave yourself behind on the other side you really need to be able to move on to the you know to this side and really visit with full attention and what is it that I need to do in order to be able to remain remotely open to you in this moment of high stress you know write it write it by hand see all the people here who talked about the personal boundaries the wearing the facemask these do that instead of talking about the issue that you disagree with your letter is about the connection the challenge to it the resentment the depletion the despair the loneliness I think the majority of the time when you are totally disconnected in a difference of opinion with somebody that you're very close to you actually feel really alone it severs the connection it experiences this is breached like that write the letter by hand what I haven't what I wanted to tell you what has been really sad for me what I think must be really hard for you why don't you you know that kind of letter swirl three sentences don't make it a long long novel you know but reaching out to the other person and you know anybody who does exercise that requires reaching you always add on reach a little bit more a little bit more there is always another small space that you didn't even know you could get to it's that kind of letter that I would like you to write and then understand that when you have disagreement conflict major differences of values you still want to be able to experience a kind of peace with the people that are close to you in particular because you work with those who live with don't erase all of that those who raised you and there's a beautiful Talmudic metaphor that Hedy also told me but that comes from a book by aaron waugh felt sorry by aaron Feldman sorry sorry it's called the river the kettle and the bird and these are three states of peace three kinds of peace that we can have with people I'm going to share them and you are gonna see which are the ones that you are currently in this is taken from a passage in the Talmud which says that one who dreams of the river a kettle or a bird can look forward to peace these are three symbols of peace because they represent three possibilities of human relationships level one of peace is the absence of conflict this state exists when two people maintain contact with each other to the extent that it serves their interests each member in this kind of peace is a separate and distinct and discrete unit the symbol of this kind of peace is a riddle a river is a classic vehicle of commerce between two cities and as such it represents a state of communication which exists between two separate entities that are connected only by their mutual benefits state one piece number two is where two people join together to reach a common goal that neither one would be able to reach alone and this represents the type of peace which is dynamic that results in achievement of an objective it's a type of piece that you would symbolize with a kettle the kettle is designed to prepare food by utilizing the combined talents the combined talents of water and fire whatever loan rules the food to soaking but fire alone burns it the kettle makes it possible a proactive peace between fire and water state tree of peace comes with the bird the bird is simultaneously earthbound and airborne a bird represents an embodiment of peace where two nature's airborne and earthbound two nature's and two entities have merged into one this kind of peace the two parties not only work together but in doing so they have merged into one when we have challenging conversations part of our essential skill is to know if this is going to be if we're aiming for it put it more like that for a river for cattle or for a bird so you ask yourself what is realistic and essential for you in your relationship at this moment a river a kettle or a bird and where would you like to go I'm going to stop right here and leave you with this metaphor the river that keeps the two entities apart the kettle that brings the fire and the water together and the birds that merges two nature's of Earth and air I think that we can pretty much envision many many of our relationships and our conversations at these three levels of harmony all right on to you your questions your comments your reactions and the Vox explodes how do we deal with the situation when someone doesn't want that difficult conversation my parents have a more conservative view on relationships and a more contemporary it's a more a debate conversation than a dialogue how do i tackle such an important subject how do we compromise without letting go of who we are fantastic all right let me try to go a little between when your partner doesn't want to have a difficult conversation I think the first thing is often to just if I don't know if it's a partner or someone it says you're someone I think the first thing is really to say it seems like you don't see much value in this and curious how you've come to think that these conversations are not worthwhile start with that don't start about the conversation it's the conversation about the conversation why not is there something I've done is it something that you've experienced in other places you know is it because you're afraid that you would get angry is it because you think you would never be understood is because where does this pronunciation come from so that's the first thing and then from there you can begin to have a conversation about that if your parents have different views about relationships I think that this is a really important one but here's the thing the most important thing is not for you to highlight your difference in your contemporary view the most important thing is for you to actually highlight some of the fundamental things that you believe in that you got from them so if it is kindness if it is integrity if it is respect if it is sharing if it is generosity those things don't have to do it's contemporary or traditional so you start with that instead of having a chat about you know today marriage is not for life so today you should not have 10 children or today you should have sex before you marry your two you know whatever the thing actually start by saying you know here are the things that are really important to me and that I would love to thank you for because you are the root of why I care about these things I got it from you from Grandma from you from our family from our tradition whatever is the thing that they're trying to defend and for you to take with them so that's the great sutras it's highlighting the things that you take from them with you that are also informing whatever contemporary view you may have after that I hope that is clear because that's a super important one in it and a rather easy one actually to to implement I overthink and I'm trying not to intellectualize emotions the pandemic is making it harder how can we build up emotional energy to even begin the conversation and we feel so ready look hey you know I think you start with that we just say look I feel much more stressed I'm owning this I feel more stressed I think we are much more irritable I feel overwhelmed I don't always know that I'm gonna be able to help to do this conversation really well and I always say it's possible to say I reached the limit yesterday I thought this man you know tell her when you come because he ends the commissars it's on me okay and then she thinks okay he's done now there's no conversation anymore and he feels like it's all his fault which it's not and I just said why don't you just simply say I think I've reached my limit for this conversation right now can we continue it later I want to be here fully when we discuss this and if we continue right now I'm gonna check out you know monitor yourself and tell the other person when you know that you can't really be in be in the frame if you want so intellectualizing you know it's a good exercise for you to really cultivate an emotional vocabulary I feel and just start writing and if you have the word that after I feel you probably know that what follows is a thought another feeling and often it's a thought about something else than you I feel that you I feel that the world I feel that you know a feeling is a basic I feel lost hurt anger jealousy envy joy sadness that's feelings and the very nice way to do it which I really love the way that every man does is you just basically start with your body I feel the tension in my throat I feel pulsation in my neck I feel kind of a knot in my stomach I feel my shoulders a little bit I feel that with you body scan your body it will speak to you and then you turns return from the sense8 focus from the body focus from the sensory into the emotional and from the emotional into the action that is the step by which you will learn to translate intellectual to to emotional which isn't devoid of intellectual by the way these two coexist all the time how do I compromise without letting go of who you know this is the thing right is like how how do you hold on to you believe and come close to the beliefs of others that may be completely different about all the big issues you know love sex children death money I mean this you can politics race all of it goes in there the most important thing to know is it's not because you open yourself up because you listen because you reflect back because you take in that it means that that you that that you're going to lose yourself I know death penalty I mean we can charge the plate here with this rage one how can I be talking to someone who believes in the death penalty you do you fear that you listen to it you will continue to think that you are doing with it or not whatever your viewpoint but you're going to say I want to understand how people come to that conclusion and if it's your brother I need to understand how my brother who grew up like million going to schools like this da-da-da-da-da finds himself you know whatever on this side of the political spectrum that side the political spectrum you know I that's one piece and then the other piece of how you maintain your integrity is by actually focusing not only on what they think or what they vote or what they found but also on your connection to them and that's where the difference lies between family members and other people you can let go of friends you can let go of colleagues you can let go of strangers that you need you don't have a loyalty to them you that your relationship exists you know in with different rules than the family relations you may still go and sit at Thanksgiving with those people who you think have completely different views than you of the world but you may still think that they are kind people or generous people or warm people regardless or despite or including their views and that day hopefully think the same about you or you wouldn't be invited at the table how does one find peace when the other party is disinterested or uninvested you don't you don't find peace you probably get a piece that is more like the river you see what are the things that you have in common and for which you need to function to accomplish tasks to share responsibilities but you don't do any merging of identities nor any merging of meanings you just do merging of two dues that is a piece that is called the river you transport goods from one place to another because both of you need those goods and that's the kind of piece that you have it's not a piece in the sense that I think I see you would like to have it is it is just mutual benefits shared interests what is the best way to ask questions about an issue going on in relationship without one partner feeling interrogated under pressure or choose exactly this I would love to ask you and I find myself not able to do it without thinking that I may come across as a choosing or interrogating or freshman you can write it we can do exactly that I would love to ask you this and every time I think about asking you that I realized that I can't see my way out of it I can't see this being a conversation that that that you would be comfortable having with me and that I really want to have with you you can say it you can write it and you don't say you will feel pressure you will feel interrogated you will say you will experience me as freshening you or interrogating you and is there some way that I could speak about this video that would be better for you what can I do for you to be able to be in this conversation with me now you may say why shall I because it's an enlightened self-interest because you want to have the conversation so you need to know what it is you can do in order for your partner not to shut down or close the door on you or tell you we're not talking about this or I'm done and that's why you want to know what can I do and that a big piece of it you know there's a great book it's that it's called We Need to Talk but the thing I always remember about this book is that right from the front the first question is not about what the first question is how long so you can always start by saying you know I want to dedicate five minutes to this because I know that this is not an easy thing for us to talk about so it's going to be five minutes and you're freaking to the find a timer so there's an end it's framed and rather than it starts and it's two o'clock in the morning what's the best way to respond when feeling triggered you clench your fist you go to the bathroom you take a deep breath you start to sing a song inside use texts to somebody that you know is on the same page as you you know you just rub your hands against each other in this way you put your head here that's another way and you breathe simply you close your eyes for a moment you try to be discreet about it if you can't you just say you know and you talk to you safe this was a tough one to swallow I really you know in me I can tell you if I work with patients sometimes and I'm triggered I do this I realize I've leaned forward I'm like so no no no no no Carell move back see good you back that's for you to put your back against the rest of the seat you know because this is like I want to charge at you I want to get in there I want to drill and this is let me just create a boundary for a moment some space and please don't answer don't answer you know and just simply say and get you points or something that says nothing but that basically is punctuation that's what we call punctuation in conversations can you merge identities if you and your partner share opposite views on major things like religions so me personally I don't really look at merging of identities I don't you don't merging is really the absolution of the boundary in between you merge when you make love temporarily for a moment it's this real union and then after that you basically reconstitute yourself in two separate people you don't merge identities I think that that is what people have done with God that is what people do in the erotic it's that temporary merging for a moment in order to then come back to oneself it's a self and other relationship that I am much more interested in but here's the thing people who come from different religions if they are both religious often have a lot more in common than than people who have one person who is deeply secular and the person who is much more devout that's really interesting it's not a nominal religion that actually creates the difference it's the world view as a whole to religious people from different religions often understand each other very well they may fight each other they may fight each other for land and they fight each other for power but they understand each other very very well whereas secular people that locate responsibility you know in themselves more versus religious people who think that their life is not only in their own hands but also in the faith and in the hands of God that is often a much bigger difference so two people who have a different God but still think that God as them their well-being in their hands are much more connected that's a very important piece on difference and here's the thing as a whole difference is not what makes the conversation difficult people can have difference like The Princess and the pea a tiny bit of difference and it's already considered like earth-shattering it's hard people deal with the difference healthy experiences I cannot believe that my own husband brother boyfriends you know partner best friend would think like that it's that mentality I can't believe that you who I love who I need who I care about who I grew up with could come and have such what does it say about me that I have to deal with somebody like you it sort of those sentences that make different so charged so threatening so unsettling or triggering they can be bad women they can be about children they can be bad climate I mean I can the list of things that we can disagree about is is enormous but it's really interesting how sometimes people can be deeply connected and friends with people who have entirely different views especially childhood friends now you may not become friends again with these people today if you met them now but because you have history with them their history dilutes the history adds other pieces to the connection that isn't just about the fact that they vote different they see the world different they see danger different even though those things are very big and then sometimes you say we have nothing left in common we have nothing more to talk about we really want different things value different things and it matters to me to be with people who share similar values okay I want integrity I don't want somebody who lies and cheats that's a difference of values it's less about who you voted for or which article you'll find has the truth for you I worked through my emotions verbally and my husband works them through them silently how do we deal with these two communication stats it's beautiful his beauty one talks one listens one talks less and then maybe has something to say or puts a hand on your shoulder or gives you a big smile or makes you breakfast the next day or you know in an occasion you may want to say to your husband I know that you know the talkers I need tiny bit more can you write it for me can you just say three words so can you you know just let me know where that landed on you is this you know where where did we end up here don't try to make you husband a talker or your husband try to make you more silent I think it's the recognition of this and the management of that difference not the actually difference you know is you're talking problematic for him is it hard because you talk too much too long and it gets overwhelmed flooded is it that you talk and you want more reaction from him is it that you want the same kind of reaction from him as you do which is you want him to talk back is it that he doesn't talk because he thinks what's the point she doesn't listen she will cut me off at the first thing she disagrees with or is it that he's never really done found talking so important yesterday this couple you know she talks a lot more and I think that she has a way of picking up on the one thing that that it wasn't fully elaborated from him and she will beat him to the punch she's much more articulate she's but then she says to him but I can see you talking with other people but other people don't cut him off all the people don't correct him so the issue is not that you were talker more of a talker than him what is it that you're talking dust to him what is it that his silence does to you and can you fine-tune it a little bit it's like dials that you just fine-tune because you would be different people with with others and by the way when you are with the silent person you become more of a talker and when a silent person is with a chopper they become more silent typically we become a more extreme version of ourselves over time because we are with somebody who is different and who is actually making us become more of specific thing that is already us tattoos are very interesting thing we don't become over time more like the other we over time become more of an extreme version of what we started out with it's also very interesting piece of data here how do you have a conversation you know we cause the other sadness you say this may be a tough conversation I can't bear the thought of how painful this may be for you I know this is gonna hurt you badly but I have to do it if you know interestingly nobody says how do you have a conversation you know we'd make somebody else laugh we are ok with that you know when we should also it's harder it's much harder but it is part of you still care you say caringly I know it's gonna make you really sad we won't be seeing your mother this summer we will not be able another child I lost a child we had I lost the money we had I did say that whatever you know I want to leave you I don't love you the same way it's extremely difficult we resist them we we avoid them as much as we can and yet if we simply could say I know this is going to really make you sad or hurt you or disappoint you and I know it and yet I respect you too much not to say this and then you try and that's the courage that we need we need skills essential skills for difficult conversation and then we need the courage and I think that when you ask the question you already have a piece of the courage because you know you kind of know what you need to do you can rehearse it you can write it and then bring it and read it out loud sometimes that really helps you can you know make sure that you're the person is when supported before you tell them some really painful truths things like that and I think on this note I'm gonna let you go is there any big question I did not answer here what is the best way about an issue without one partner yeah we did that same it is incredibly ah my family is dealing with incredible anger during this time how do we transform that anger how do you be authentic without worrying about hurting other people see I'm gonna just go with the with the anger because we just talk about the sadness and the anger kind of lives on the other side of that I think that a one at the table who is able to take the anger and to say we are all afraid or we are all really disappointed or we are all sad about this thing and we feel helpless about it and we really are upset that they took our land away that they you know you know that there is no acknowledgement of what we've been trying to say that that we're struggling the way we are death whatever that is and we are all angry and that would but we also have other feelings and it's interesting we're all much more able to picker and pick at each other than to actually hold each other's hand at a time when we really need each other and this is a truth that happens in a lot of families at this moment as well the one who can do it is the leader of the house so I invite you to become the leaders of your house this type of leadership the empathic leadership we well everybody I'll see you next month you go to Esther Perel dot-com / blog with the newsletter we join together we discuss the newsletter and we all gain in reflection in action in confidence and in relational intelligence till then bye you you

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 271,243

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Id: KVwCT0U9chQ

Length: 50min 25sec (3025 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 15 2020