5 Famous Historical Figures Who Were Total Perverts - The Spit Take

hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit-take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and if you could hold a black light up to history it would look like this completely covered in white from the sheer amount of semen and sex juice with that in mind let's start our list of history's most important sexual perverts with the mildest entry possible if you had to pick a historical figure to share a bed with for a night and trust not to get handsy Gandhi did have to be near the top of the list right despite bringing back the loincloth as a pants option God he protected the crown of most pious man of the 20th century like it was the heavyweight championship of the world his 30s he decided sex was getting in the way of the spiritual development and took a vow of celibacy which probably came as a little bit of a shock to his wife okay I'll just be over here then good luck for the next 40 years Gandhi Brigitte Liam forced his no sex after marriage rule by asking his female followers to sleep with him naked Lee just to see how his penis would manage the pressure I guess Gandhi also asked his eighteen year old grand niece to share his bed after she spent six years caring for his dying wife okay she had doubts about sleeping with uncle D letter he wrote her reasoned quote we both may be killed by the Muslims and must put our purity to the ultimate test so that we know that we're offering the purest of sacrifices and we should now both start sleeping naked end quote man I can't believe she fell for the old let's sleep naked together because the Muslims might kill us gambit there's a reason Winston Churchill looks like a grumpy toddler dressed as an oil baron for an old-timey calendar in this picture never really took to wearing clothes and would call people into his office while totally naked just all the time few weeks after Pearl Harbor while the fate of the free world hung in the balance Winston Churchill hung dork in front of the US president he was getting out of a bath he'd been taking while meeting with FDR as you do when he accidentally dropped the towel his valet had draped around him and instead of picking it up he turned to the president and said as you can see mr. president I have nothing to conceal from you which would be almost impressively witty if he hadn't clearly been planning to show Roosevelt his naked body since he started that meeting still Churchill comes off as adorable like a little kid making a run for it after bath time Lyndon Johnson had more in common with Anthony his personal feelings of pride in his own penis leading him to use it conversationally as an icebreaker because having a last name that's a euphemism for penis is apparently way more psychologically damaging than any of us imagined even before he was president johnson was known for violating people's physical space to gauge how they felt about him and well it's impossible to tell whether he had his dick out in any of those pictures he did seem to use his penis to keep people off balance and intimidate them and presumably shake on a deal when his hands were full one time he reportedly pulled it out in a crowded room and just peed on a nearby aide without breaking eye contact with a person he was talking to he just stood there like a tree and took it well everyone else assumed they were having a stroke turns out Albert Einstein had three theories of relativity general relativity special relativity and the one that says he gets to have sex with all his relatives and I married a fellow physics student who wasn't blood-related had a few kids and never did another normal thing with his dick again when he became famous he decided he was done with this basic human decency book gave his wife a set of rules which included keep my clothes clean and provide three meals a day don't talk to me don't be around me leave the room if I asked you to and no more sex pretty sure by that point mrs. Einstein wasn't putting up an argument on that last one his second marriage was to his double cousin Elsa Einstein no not second cousin double as in a cousin on his mom's side and on his dad's side though he almost broke off their engagement to marry her eighteen year old daughter instead over the next 20 years he kept his penis busy with over 11 Affairs six of which he described in letters to the stepdaughter he almost married that poster of Einstein with his tongue out currently hanging in every science classroom is a little creepy now isn't it vol heard about legends whose first great love was doing something less impressive never would have gotten Einstein's theory of relativity if his entire family tree would have let him but perhaps the most disquieting first love belonged to dr. Seuss after a career drawing propaganda for the US Army that helped make winning World War two something we could all look back on in deep shame sue set his sights on his true passion bizarre childish doodles of naked women that suggested he'd never seen one of those we may never have gotten green eggs and ham or that book about vacation destinations that never come true everyone gets graduation if dr. Seuss hadn't failed to break into the first thing he tried an illustrated book for adults in which in his words I had tempted to draw the sexiest babes I could swear that's a direct quote unfortunately he'd never seen a naked person before and some of the assumptions that he makes about the naked female form turned out to be out of touch with reality and some pretty upsetting ways the world wasn't ready for the first fictional creatures to come out of dr. Seuss's mind tried to make up for their off-putting lack of nipples with an overabundance of party hats and farm animals alas it only ever sold 2,500 copies dr. Seuss was forced to admit defeat in the realm of human nudes and create creatures like the lure axes and things and once slurs that nobody would notice didn't have nipples and thankfully never revisited what has to be the saddest picture ever committed to paper by an artist who clearly planned on masturbating to it hey it's me Jack I put on a sweater to cover up the fact that I'm a really sweaty dude talking about perverts anyways if you know of other great historical figures who are total perverts please let us know down in the comment section and we might use them in the sequel coming soon

Channel: Cracked

Views: 859,135

Rating: 4.8010488 out of 5

Keywords: ghani, perverts, sexual perverts, sex, gandhi, Funny, Celibacy (Quotation Subject), Gandhi (Award-Winning Work), penis, Lyndon B. Johnson (US President), Winston Churchill (Military Commander), England, FDR, Pearl Harbor, Franklin D. Roosevelt (US President), Comedy (Theater Genre), Anthony Weiner, FBI, Albert Einstein, Dr. Suess, Comedy, funny, spoof, humor, cracked, parody, sketch, Satire (TV Genre)

Id: p4n84bRxqqs

Length: 5min 37sec (337 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 14 2015