4 Tips for Christian Dating | Bianca Juarez Olthoff

[Applause] well welcome back i'm so excited that we get to dive into god's word in a series that we have entitled modern romance now this is a short series but i believe that this book of antiquity can speak to us in modernity if you were with us last week you know that we were in the old testament kicked it old school with some poetry well now we're in the new testament and we're going to get some theology from our brother paul the apostle last week we spoke about attraction and desire this week we're going to talk about the concept of soul mates going to talk about the concept of soul mates do i have a soul mate do you have a soul mate is there one person out there that is going to in a complete jerry maguire moment you complete me is that moment ever going to happen now i when i graduated college i am a pastor's kid that swore i was never going to marry a pastor and i married the worst kind of pastor the missions pastor because you know they want to give all their money away and love the lord i love matt ultof and the god call upon his life but when i graduated college i was single and i realized that the church did a phenomenal job at creating and crafting messages for married folk and the church did a phenomenal job at meeting the needs of children and teens but when i graduated college as a single woman i realized where did i fit if i didn't fit the quintessential box then i didn't know where i belong and so i think that these conversations are super important i'm so grateful for the leadership of pastor craig caring about his sheep in different stations and seasons of life because you might be single you might be single again coming out of divorce or broken relationship you might be married or even widowed but i believe that the word of god is practical and applicable to our lives every single day can i get an amen so i'm going to speak really quick to the singles in the place um if you're single you'll probably find yourself in one of these three categories maybe you find yourself saying well i am a single like a pringle ready to mingle hey glory to god i'm ready maybe you are in a single station where you are coming out of a relationship or a divorce and you just feel like i'm single by choice i'm not ready maybe you are single and you've been single for a minute and you were like i'm doing all the right things i'm praying i'm fasting i'm believing i'm doing homework i'm getting out on christian mingle and e-harmony like i'm doing it and i'm still single wherever you find yourself on this spectrum i had said this last week and i want to reiterate it again you do not need a significant other to be significant i said this last week i'm going to say it again your singleness is not a disease your singleness is not a curse your sinfulness is not a downgrade getting married isn't the prize for being more pretty or more holy no and maybe you're sitting here thinking well bianca you're married and that's true but for a long time i wasn't and i remember the sting and the pain of serving a youth ministry and serving kids for three years four years five years and pretty soon you start getting their wedding invitations and you rsvp for one when when all of a sudden the wedding engagement of a change into invitations increased to wedding invitations then you get baby shower invitations and pretty soon you're at toddler birthday parties eating hors d'oeuvres by yourself drinking watered down punch thinking what's wrong with me is that just me anyone out there yeah there's some singles who might feel me my hope and why i'm so passionate about getting relationships right is that if you don't understand dating and god's timing god's will and god's time we can compromise and we can hijack god's will for our life so here's a dating equation for our single or single again friends the right person at the wrong time is the wrong relationship oh i'm sending you therapy somebody send me a thank you note the wrong person at the right time is the wrong relationship the wrong person at the wrong time that's a real wrong relationship but the right person at the right time that is the right relationship and if you're looking for somebody to validate you or make you whole or fixed you you will be sadly disappointed the only person that can make us whole is god in him we are complete in him is the fullness of life ah the significance you crave isn't going to come from a significant other the significance significance that you crave is going to come from the one who made you your wholeness that you desire can only be found and achieved in a holy god who can make you whole so once we've established that for our single friends let me just tell you that i have made so many dating mistakes i am the quintessential poster kid for how to do dating wrong so let my pain have a purpose in your life today okay if you are here and you are visiting i know that there might be some people that are saying amen shouting down hallelujah listen my daddy is a preacher still to this day in east los angeles california aka the hood and when daddy says something good people were like amen hallelujah take me to zion so whoever you are you have the ability here in the house of god to holler back say amen why do we do that when the spirit of god is moving internally we express it externally and faith fills the room that's why i'm just not the charismatic type are you the jesus type you got permission today okay now let's open up the word of god all right first corinthians chapter 13 begins from my bible boyfriend paul the apostle who says this love is patient love is kind it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud oh hallelujah that's an amen right there it does not dishonor others it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered it keeps no records of wrong love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth hallelujah it always protects always trusts always hopes always perseveres love never fails now when i was in graduate school i had to study platonic philosophy philosophy from work coming from plato and it was then that i realized we had been duped we have been lied to we have been bamboozled and thinking that there is one person out there in the cosmic universe that can complete me and make me whole do you know where our understanding of soul mate comes from the philosopher plato had a cohort of learners and thinkers and playwrights one of them was this guy named aristophanes don't remember his name not important he was the one that wrote a fable a fake story a fictitious story saying that the gods were upset with humans and cut us in half and split our soul the souls wandered the earth looking aimlessly for their other half who can complete them do you understand that from all movies from disney fairy tales to regular fairy tales to rom-coms it is this idea that there is one person out there my kismet match who can complete me that is a lie from the pit of hell okay we are complete only in christ and if we don't understand this concept we're going to be thinking married or single is this my soul mate is this the person to fulfill me and make me whole our soul is a huge component in our relationships if you're a note taker the title of today's message is date for your soulmate all right i was raised on sesame street and i like things that rhyme all right here we go this message is not just for single folk this message is for all of us in whatever spectrum and season of station of life that we are in because even if we are married we still need to actively pursue our partner as a soul mate now i want to make sure that we're unpacking and have a clear understanding of our soul the definition of soul is the invisible intangible psychological and emotional part of our existence that's the soul the soul the soul is super important i love mark 8 37 jesus says is anything worth more than your soul i love in 3rd john chapter 2 john says dear friend i pray that you may enjoy good health and that it may go well with you even as your soul is getting along well so john is writing to believe as much as i'm speaking to believers and what he's saying is as it is with your soul as it is with your life if your soul is good your life will follow so remember the soul is the invisible intangible psychological and emotional part of our existence and that includes our mind our will and our emotion so if our soul is good we are good am i laying a case can you holler back and say amen now last week i didn't talk fast you listen slow okay i'm mexican which means i got lots of words and i could say them in a packaged amount of time so i want you to put your notebooks pull out your notepads your pens your highlighters and your bible and though i totally disagree with the world's concept of soulmate what i do believe and we will intertwine scripture with is that i believe that god can destin us spiritual soul mates now when we say the word soul mate when you ask somebody what's a soul mate according to webster's dictionary dot com urban dictionary or or dictionary.com as a whole that will always include words like fate destiny kismet as if like i'm going to find this person and they're going to finish my sentences and you know where they got that language from aristophanes a fictitious fairy tale that we're building a life of lies upon so what is a spiritual soulmate a spiritual soulmate for the note takers in the house is someone you are attracted to physically remember last week's message hello attraction who shapes you emotionally and is suited for you personally let me say that again from a homeschool brothers and sisters because i was homeschooled a soulmate is someone who you are attracted to physically who shapes you emotionally and is suited for you purposefully so god has plucked a person and placed a partner in your life for a purpose okay single people we should be using language that says jesus you pick for me clearly i've gotten it wrong all right jesus you pick for me now this is important to say because uh my husband i am wife 2.0 he got the upgrade hello all right after his divorce for biblical reasons after his divorce for biblical reasons i clarified because there would be somebody that's like oh this is wrong biblical reasons hello all right is that he was meeting with his pastor and um there was a group of friends that had encouraged him after he'd gone through a restoration period he's in great godly counseling had said hey you need you need to start dating again but it was his pastor who wisely said matt because of your brokenness because of your pain trauma that has happened to you your picker is broken because of your trauma you're picking what feels easy rather than what the lord has destined to you what you feel comfortable with so your brokenness is matching with someone else's brokenness it was important that the people around him that were helping him pick correctly so we have to pick for a purpose specifically this is for my single friends up in here like i said you'd be blessed a little bit more today i'm going to give you some freezies and some funsies today you've got to pick for purpose what does that look like if you are a corporate ceo and you have ambitions of being on forbes 100 and creating great profit margins that are going to support the globe and the church and you want to date somebody that has a heart to deworm children in somalia and live in a mud hut that's probably not compatible are you with me if you have a call of ministry upon your life you want to serve in an ngo you have a heart to give back and you want to date someone who's a instagram influencer who loves frothy beverages and wants to vacation every weekend at instagram about it probably not a good match are you with me you've got a pick for purpose now nothing's wrong with either of those but you got to know what you want and what you need dating isn't a status that you sit in i'm not going to date for five years make a decision right come on dating is not a status that you sit in it's a season you move through to determine is this person for me i've got a pick for purpose if it's god's will for you to get married you must be responsible and cautious to vet people because is this a mate for your soul can this be a mate for your soul you aren't just marrying this person for love you are marrying this person for destiny it is not just for a good time and fun kicks on friday nights this is the person that you will build your life with and i am so passionate about healthy relationships because relationships can pull us up to our calling and our destiny or pull us out of our purpose how many people have seen don't raise your hand because i want to shame anyone in here but how many of us have seen relationships that were starting so right and so good and so godly and one of them pulled someone out of their god-given destiny this matters and it matters because we grossly underestimate the power of our enemy satan wants to come against marriages because the enemy knows the power of souls co-mingling together a power of two people that coming together with a god destiny and purpose and when your soul aligns with your your soul aligns with someone else's soul let's just say spiritual soul mates then i am going to bless the world because of what god is going to do through two people why does the enemy want to stop because the enemy knows when two people's visions align when two people's god calls a line when two people are in sync in one mind that the enemy is frightened because of what god is going to do through this united couple so friends no takers family in the house you don't want a classmate a roommate or a life mate you want a spiritual soul mate all right because when two souls connect not just their lives are blessed because of it those around them and dare i say the globe is blessed by it so you need to date for your soul mate all right so in studying this and being passionate about this concept i pulled out four things to teach you on how to date and yes married friends this is for us as well each of the four points that rhyme thank you sesame street are going to teach us how to date for your soulmate i'm going to give them to you and then we're going to unpack that number one is intentionality number two is clarity number three is strategy and four is timely let's go ahead and unpack the first one intentionality proverbs 16 9 says this in their hearts humans plan their course but the lord establishes their steps so the big question the big question that i'm asked all the time is who initiates well there needs to be a game plan if the first one is intentionality and we see that the lord orchestrates our steps intentionality is having a a game plan with an end goal you're not just gonna kick it like a cricket because it's cool you're gonna date someone to see if they could be your mate for life okay because i believe when you marry you're married for life i've told my husband you can leave but i'm coming with you okay you stuck with me baby latinas we're loyal all right i'll kill somebody for you all right glory to god don't judge me so the question that people are always asking is in dating who initiates well statistically speaking of pew research at 2018 realized that 87 percent believe that men should initiate according to my own instagram poll of over 15 000 people 92 believe that men should initiate well i am not going to be biased i'm going to be a little bit progressive and advocate whoever and i back this up with some theology in proverbs we are told that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing so that lets us know that gives us a clue it gives us a hint that the man initiates oh well bible scholars in the book of ruth a woman a moabitus from the land of moab who was barren laid at the feet of her kinsmen redeemer boaz and she said boom me up baby don't be a bozo put your garment over me you know what that is a hebrew idiom for marry me so i don't know who should initiate but there's biblical resource for both now let me clarify as a woman you don't want to go up to a single brother and be like yo bro let me have her babies i'm ready you know that's weird creepy christian dating that's weird if you're a brother don't go up to a girl and say i will offer you 72 camels for your hand in marriage that's weird if it's weird it's because you're weird all right creepy christian dating no more we get to redefine what normalcy looks like now i subscribe to the school of thought of a taxi light theory if you have been to new york or maybe even used lyft or uber how do you know that the car is open and available their taxi light is on so what does that mean sparkle baby sparkle if you're walking around mean mugging like oh wow they gotta see that i'm available they gotta come and find my heart like a treasure map in spanish there's this word cara de fucci that means like a stink face you know they're walking around like this something smells sorry i don't like it don't be surprised if nobody asks you out okay you have your taxi light on begin to sparkle ask someone out for coffee it's a coffee date not a marriage proposal hello all right look at verse five paul encourages us he said love does not dishonor others it is not self-seeking now though the bible doesn't say a whole lot about dating it does say a lot about relationships and a sociology professor out of boston college was realizing side note not a christian a secular sociologist out of boston college realized that the incoming freshmen did not know how to do relationships they didn't know how to ask anyone out they didn't know how to date and so she put together a curriculum to teach these incoming freshmen and here's a few funsies and freezies that i pulled out for us in here today if you ask somebody out you pay you fly i buy all right you put a sharp end time to this listen this is super important for me because i think that sometimes we can read misread social cues where we think they're totally digging me this is awesome i found my soul mate and they're on the other side like oh dear god when i'm at this date gonna end you know have a hard stop time and honor that and lastly a non-christian professor said end the date with an a-frame hug not a full frontal get creepy hug and a-frame hug why because a secular sociologist realized that when there is physical intimacy it complicates things look at that oh yes and this is super important because what happens is when there's physical intimacy chemistry occurs and chemistry is a very interesting thing because you can have chemistry with anyone you can have chemistry with a toxic person you can have chemistry with a married person do not be fooled and think like oh we hold hands i just filled butterflies in my stomach and i see fireworks this is not a disney movie friends all right what's happening in our brain is that there's dopamine and serotonin that are going through our brain and guess what you're on drugs that's really what's going on that doesn't mean you found your soulmate your brain is processing all these happy emotions and what happens to us married folk is that those drugs subside and we think when that feeling fades then i've lost that love and feeling if you know what i'm saying the truth of the matter is is the enemy is looking in for any way to come in and ruin and tear apart spiritual soul mates so the first thing that we see is intentionality intentionality the second thing we see is clarity let the person you are dating know where you're at and that is also for some married folk let's check out what our sponsor paul says in verse six love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth so for again i'm going to speak to both married and single before our single friends let me give you some free coaching phase one if you're thinking like well what does clarity look like phase one is hey i'd like to take you out to grab some coffee no problem if they say no it's not rejection of you there just isn't that match don't get in your feelings don't get emo and paint your nails black like just it's fine okay if there are no move on to the next there's plenty of fish in the sea god bless you if they do say yes you're gonna proceed to date with caution phase two is like hey we should have a dtr defining the relationship where we at you digging me i'm digging you great all right you floss your teeth bless god all right you're debt-free praise god all right we have those conversations then phase three is did i say phase three for the other one that was phase two this is phase three is 12 to 12 to 15 months in you're going to have a conversation saying are we tracking on the same path is there marriage in our future like are we serious about this because we want to stop wasting time if you're not interested in somebody say something if you are interested in in somebody say something ephesians 4 15 says that we are supposed to speak the truth and love so when we speak truth that is love clarity is love providing someone with clarity that's love you care for them i don't think this is working out that's okay i i bring this up because this is important i see so many singles having these conversations um and communicating through text messages and dms hold up this is where it gets complicated if someone wants to slide into your dm that doesn't provide clarity what you want you think i'm funny do you like me do you want to date me do you want to have my kids like what's going on so i think it's super super important that we begin to have clarity stop playing games friends stop playing games games are for little boys that don't want to commit and girls that are petty we are groans folk okay we are defining how we can provide clarity and relationship what would it be like if the world looked at us and say whoa they are doing marriage right whoa they're not getting divorced like we're getting divorced whoa they know how to communicate and have conflict resolution because of the spirit of god residing in them wow this is the important part of it and a side note side note people are not property i think in church culture this has to be addressed what happens in church culture is that if a guy goes out with a girl then all of a sudden her and her friends are off property if they break up people are not property okay i worked for an anti-human trafficking organization for seven years i'm passionate about this i think if it's weird within church because people are weird we take that messaging back we can bless and release and know hey god has someone or something different for me okay third is strategy look what paul says in first corinthians 13 7 it always protects always trusts always hopes and always perseveres you know what this is strategy this right here if you aim at nothing you will hit nothing friends paul is really encouraging us that we have to have a strategy when it comes to this thing called love now i know that paul is speaking about love in general but i personally believe that we could take these principles from a book of antiquity and have it speak to us in modernity so do you have a strategy for dating married folk and single folk this is important do you have a strategy for dating what will you expect of a person in dating and what will they expect from you so matt and i are married we actually had a date last night and we outworked this i said i'm gonna date for my soulmate in our relationship there are things that we do not talk about when we go on dates one is our work two our finances and three our kids those are triggers when we first started dating when we were married i use dates as conflict resolution time aka let me tell you all the things you've been doing wrong okay and what it did is that it ruined that moment that was supposed to be intimate and bring us back together and so there's those things that are non-negotiables we do not talk about this now when you are dating someone you have to begin to ask the question does this person protect me because love always protects does this person have hope for our relationship because love always has hope do you trust the person you're dating because love has to be trusted now i want to have a strategy in dating now for my singles within intentional dating with an intentional dating you are intentionally trying to know someone get to know someone so what is not dating this is how you don't show up on a date you don't show up today with a laminated resume okay this happened to me hand to heaven do not do that for my females in the place with saddle and grace if your biological clock is ticking and you hear it don't talk about menstruation or your child bearing dreams okay hand to heaven i was on a double date with my friends and i was kicking her under the table please stop it's weird because you're weird and even if you guys are vibing each other dating is not talking about honeymoon locations and naming your children it's weird you're dating okay you're just checking this out and again hey for my married folk be intentional in dating for singles and marrieds make sure and ask probing questions make sure and look at each other in the eye put your phone away nothing else matters in psychology there's this beautiful term called mirroring that when you are sitting opposite next to somebody if they move you move and you move they move just like that it is called some of the cardinal folk got that song referenced what it does is that you're communicating to the other person i'm so in tune with you i'm vibing with you i want to have communication with you when you date for your soul mate um i firmly believe if you do this right there will be less you will still be hurt but if it doesn't work out there'll be less connection points and sticky points in the relationship because you're doing this well and you're doing this right lastly is timely i need the single folks specifically married folk this applies to us too but for the single folks specifically what are you doing with your time what what are you doing with the time that god has given you is it your time to be married now what are we doing with the seed of time and how are we sowing it so for my single friends this is your time to create this is your time to invest this is your time to produce and i see so many of my single friends squandering their time away while on netflix and chilling with people that are not going to be in their destiny we cannot squander our time married folk what are we doing with our time how are we investing our finances how are we rearing our children how are we giving back to church sowing back to the kingdom getting involved in a local community what are we doing to build up those around us are we squandering our time when you look at your life next year will you be the person that you envision today how are you leveraging your time and there's a time to meet somebody there's a time to know them there's a time to date and if it's the right time and god's will it's the right time to get married but there's two things i want us to hang on to god's time and god's will if you rush things there's a danger in that catch your breath take a moment if you try opening up a rosebud before it blooms you will ruin it the same is true of relationships if you try to rush through it it will ruin it if it's god's will for you to be with someone do it in god's timing and one of the things that can help us and i said this last week and i reiterated today is my dating a question dating equation the right person at the wrong time is the wrong relationship the wrong person at the right time wrong relationship the wrong person at the wrong time wrong relationship but the right person at the right time provides the right relationship so what do you do to need to date for your soulmate friends there needs to be intentionality there needs to be a strategy how do you want to win at this relationship number two there needs to be clarity identifying what are the things that that is going on in your relationship three there has to be a strategy and a game plan and lastly begin to ask yourself is this the right time my heart and my hope in this series is that we have tools not just that would make us feel fun and we could laugh at but tools that we apply to our life to change us to give us vision for our future to begin to heal our hearts and begin to put hope for those that need a second chance at relationship so i'm going to pray a prayer of faith over this house over every location of every person that is listening live or online and believe that the spirit of god will give you revelation to what you need today the spirit of the living god we invite you into this place and we say have your way with us we know lord god that you have a plan and a purpose for our life whether we are married or single so i pray lord that you begin to reveal to us now your will for our life and what you want us to do to you be the glory with our life married or single with children or barren you have called lord us to go into the nations and proclaim your name so will you give us what we need when we need and how we need it in whatever station season of life that we're in to you be the glory with our life forever and ever in jesus name amen god bless you guys [Applause] come on life church let's tell bianca thank you i am so grateful for um your love for god and just uh making this practical and fun as uh one who's been married for 30 years uh if there if there's anything that's god-honoring and successful in our relationship it's it didn't happen by accident you don't just stumble into a relationship that honors god and so i i really do i pray that as a church we would be intentional and we'd have a clear strategy and um we would have clarity what is it that we're looking for and uh we're looking for the timeliness we're not just looking for uh the right person we want to be the right person so we'll draw the right person so father we ask in the name of your son jesus make us the right person and the way we honor you god that we're sensitive to your voice and your steps and i just echo what bianca said i pray a prayer blessing over our church today god i'm just thinking about some of my kids that are old enough now even to start looking around and surveying god is there a person you have for me and uh i pray god for wisdom i pray for intentionality for all those who are not married but would would hope one day you'd bless them with a marriage god may we be intentional in seeking you today in our life groups and the way we serve that you're conforming us to the image of your son jesus god give us eyes to see where you're working in the hearts of people and we pray in all of our relationships friendships if we're dating and certainly when we're married that we would honor you bless those relationships give us clarity for marriages god we asked for clarity for intentionality of purpose and meaning that we'd be centered around your son jesus where there's hurts and pain and maybe some even wondering if they can make it we ask that by your power through your spirit you'd bring healing in our marriages we thank you that you're a good god that you're the author of relationships and you will direct our steps as you're praying today without looking around we're talking a little bit about dating and i just wonder how many of you may be like dating god meaning you're kicking the tires but you're not fully committed i believe with all my heart that um that god wants every bit of us our our command the greatest of all is to love him to love him with all of our heart all of our mind all of our soul all of our strength and the great thing is he loved first you want to talk about who initiated he initiated while we were still sinning jesus gave his life for us god became one of us in the person of his son jesus and showed his love for us on a cross and gave his life today at all of our churches some of you may recognize you might kind of like believe in god but you're not really walking with them or maybe you feel really really far from god and you think i've done so many things that are wrong what i want you to understand is that god loves you exactly as you are and he's drawing you today you're not here you're not watching by accidents because of the goodness the grace of god is loving kindness is drawing you what do you do when you recognize you don't know him intimately you just confess your sins our sins separates us from god we've all sinned god forgive me and when you when you ask for forgiveness he does forgive you and you just tell god you want to get to know him and the great news is he will reveal himself to you and no matter what you've done he'll forgive you he'll make you new he'll reveal his love and you can walk intimately with him daily all of our churches are those watching online you'd say maybe i don't i don't know him but i want to i want forgiveness of my sins today we're just going to pray a very simple prayer i believe god's going to forgive you he's going to make you new wherever you're watching those who say yes jesus i want you to forgive me yes please make me new today i give my life to you that's your prayer would you just lift up your hands right now and say yes jesus lift up your hands those of you online you could just type it in the chat i'm giving my life to jesus i'm giving my life to jesus as we've got people online today and at all of our churches just surrendering walking away from our sin and stepping into a relationship with god would you just pray this very simple prayer just pray heavenly father i want to get to know you please forgive me fill me with your spirit so i can walk with you thank you for your grace thank you for your love thank you for your new life i'm giving you all of mine in jesus name i pray today would you celebrate where you are welcome those into god's family [Applause]

Channel: Life.Church

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Keywords: Craig Groeschel, Sermon, Life.Church, Lifechurch, life church, life church sermons, craig rochelle, groeschel craig, modern romance, christian dating advice, christian dating tips, christian dating, how to date intentionally, intentional dating, dating with clarity, dating with strategy, dating with purpose, how to date for our soulmate, wrong relationship, 1 corinthians 13, singleness, christian singleness, bianca juarez olthoff, bianca olthoff, bianca olthoff dating, dating

Id: oH10TQshX6A

Length: 33min 54sec (2034 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 13 2021