In Reykjavik, Iceland,
downtown Reykjavik, Iceland, there is a portrait studio that will dress you like a Viking. And I said to my husband,
a man, always a fun reveal, "Can we go? Can we go?" And he said, "We already
have an appointment!" Because we are in love. And we went. And they put me in furs
and I had a bow and arrow and a shield and a spear. And I felt fierce, I felt
dangerous, I felt sexy. And then, I saw the photos. Not gonna lie to you, I
look like a tough old bird. It's confusing
being a woman like just on an anatomical
level, you know? Like I'm pretty sure every
woman had that moment where you're like 12 or
whatever, you're like finally old enough to take a
hand mirror down there and you're just like,
this can't be right. What even is that? It's literally different
every time I look at it. Has anybody else been in a relationship where they thought they
were being cheated on? Okay. Some of you can't say anything 'cause you're like, "I'm
with him right now." It's all right. I'll help
you investigate later. Also, that wasn't enough hands. There's no way. I'm the only
woman in here who's dated men, all right, there's no way. And sorry, fellas. Sometimes guys are like,
"Ooh, women lie too." Yeah, we do. We're better at it though. Women are better liars. Right? 'Cause we start small, we have sweet lies, lies that keep the relationship together. You know? Stuff like, oh my God, it's so big. And... Ow. And you're the first
one I ever let do that. You know, stuff like that. And I live in Brooklyn. So there's like moms everywhere,
moms pushing strollers. You know what? If you're a mom and you're
pushing a stroller, I am jealous because you can do whatever you want. You can talk to yourself out
loud in public. Nobody cares. They're like, It's fine. She's just talking to the kid. I'm like, That kid is not old enough to understand. Like, that's just the lady running her day. I saw a woman the other day
and she's pushing a stroller and she's like, Well, later on
we're going to go to the grocery store, and that's going to be fun.
That's going to be fun. And then maybe later Daddy will be home. I know he's home, but he's working
from home and we can't disturb him. Maybe I wanna take a Zoom
yoga class with my friends. Maybe I want to hug my parents in person. Maybe just a little bit of time for myself. But that's okay ‘cause we're having fun. We're having fun. Right. And then you look down
and there's no baby in the stroller. I'm like, That is good therapy. So, I started seeing this therapist, and after the first session, I was like, "Oh, I'm cured." (audience laughs) 'Cause this therapist tells me, "I want you to do one
fun thing every day." And I was like, "Fun every day?" And he was like, "Every day, fun." And I was like, really
stumped on that, because, I mean, it sounds like an
easy thing to execute, right? But Smooth Mol was having a
real tough time, you know? And also, fun is kind
of something you have. It's not really something you plan. I used to work in Times Square, and every day, I would have to cross Times Square during rush hour, which is pretty much just
like a packed elevator, but for blocks, okay? And if I saw a small child coming my way, I would give that small child
just a gentle tap on its head, and then I would watch
the kid lose its mind (audience laughs) to see where it came from! And that was fun! (audience laughs) But you can't be like, "I'm going to Times Square
to touch the children." You know?
(audience laughs) It's not like a plan you make. So I was like, "Well,
I gotta get this fun. "What am I gonna do? "What do I like? "Easy, ducks." (audience laughs) I love ducks. I like the way their green
feathers look in the sun, I like the way they treat
others, I love ducks, okay? So I decide I'm gonna go to
Central Park and feed the ducks. That's my move. And I even Google, "What do ducks like?", "Who are ducks?", things like this. (audience laughs) And it turns out, you're not supposed to feed ducks bread. It's bad for their digestive system, and if they don't eat it,
it pollutes the ecosystem for the other duck friends. So, there's no joke, that's
actually just educational. (audience laughs) I felt like you guys were
waiting for me to be funny, but I don't want you to feed
the ducks bread anymore. So, you know, not a
problem Google, no problem. I go to the store, I get a bag of grapes, and I even get a little plastic knife, so I can cut the grapes in half, right? 'Cause I don't want my little
duckies to struggle, you know? I want them to enjoy eating the grapes as much as I enjoy feeding them. So I get these grapes,
and I get to Central Park, and I set up on a rock, and
I start cutting my grapes up. And I get a really good pile going, 'cause once you throw one in, it obviously gets competitive, you know? And you don't want anybody
to feel bad, right? Not on your first fun day, anyway. (audience laughs) So I take the first
half of the first grape of the rest of my life. (audience laughs) And I throw it into the water, and it immediately just sinks. (audience laughs) And I have never felt
more alone in my life. (audience laughs) I felt like a Russian sleeper cell left over from the Cold War, like, "Does the mother land
know I exist anymore?" You know what I mean? It was really dark. Because if you're gonna
tell me, Google, okay, if you're gonna tell me I need to replace bread with grapes, then you have to say, you have to say, that grapes sink. (audience laughs) You have to say that! You knew what I was trying to do! You knew what I was trying to do! So then, okay, so I don't wanna give up, so then I'm like, "Okay." So I take another half and I just start throwing them at their little duck bills. But ducks don't catch! Ducks don't catch! So now I'm just throwing shit at animals! (audience laughs) That's not fun. That's not helpful. One of the appointments I had
made was for a bikini wax. And I had been going to salons before COVID to
get bikini waxes. I had tried doing some of
those like at home kits, and I just learned that
there are some parts of my nethers that I do not
have the strength of spirit to wax myself. Listen to me, if you
can wax your own lips, you're a psychopath. That is some Steve-O
Jackass-level masochism. I want no part of it. So I'd been going to the salons, and then the salons
closed for six months and things got scary. There's so many beautiful
women here tonight. I feel like a lot of
women started 2020 with like a landing strip and by July it was
just a full airport. You can land anywhere. There's a Cinnabon
and a Panda Express. There's a shuttle that takes
you to a rental car lot. I mean... Employees, W-9s,
it's a lot going on. So finally the
salons opened back up and I immediately
made an appointment. And I remembered there's that
rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to
be able to pick it up. - [Audience Member] Oh my God. - And... Do we need a medic? Are
you okay? Are you... Too much for you? She's like, "It's a 7:30 show, I didn't know what this was." I... I don't like hockey, and we
had a groupon, but she's... She's like, "This is
not the Christian way." I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. So I remembered
there's that rule that the hair has to be at
least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to
be able to pick it up. And I looked down and was like, "Well, that's not
gonna be a problem." But for the first time
in my life I worried that maybe it's bad
if the hair is longer than a quarter inch. So I called the salon. So embarrassing. I was like, "Hey. I have an appointment today,
its been a rough quarantine. Is there like a maximum hair requirement?" And this poor girl just goes, "I mean, how long
are we talking?" And I wasn't prepared
to answer that. So I panicked and was like,
"We could probably donate it." No. Like, I don't know if
Locks of Love specifies which type of hair they accept, but maybe somebody
needs fake eyelashes. I don't know. We don't- We don't know where
that hair comes from. I'll just throwing 'em on and
praying, but could be pubes. I don't know. I didn't come out to my
mom for a really long time because I thought she wasn't
gonna be cool with it. And finally when I
was 19 I was like, "You know what, I'm
just gonna tell her." I go, "Mom, I'm gay." And she goes, "I know." "Look at your hair." And that was it, that was
the entire conversation. Very easy. So I would highly recommend
coming out to my mom. She already knows
you're gay, you know? The birth mother also
named my daughter. I didn't know this, we have an open adoption
but on all the paperwork it just said baby girl
and her last name. But when I got there and
I walked into the room, there it was, her name all
over the wall, Harmony. She named it Harmony. And you could tell all the
nurses were just dying to know what I was gonna do. They're like, “Are
you gonna keep it?" "You gonna keep
that name Harmony?" I'm like, "I would
rather keep baby girl." I would rather my daughter's
name be Baby Girl Miller. No offense to
any Harmonys out there. Melodys, Crescendos, I
love all the musical. I stayed at a days inn, in
Southwest Arkansas recently, not to flex on you
guys, do not wanna brag. That had a loofah in the shower. How would you feel about that? Would you use a days inn loofah? No, okay. So I didn't think
that I would either. It was a long day on the
road, I was feeling grimy, I used it, okay? I like exfoliated. It was like six
or seven minutes. I washed myself like
a woman in a movie who was trying to
forget a memory. Do you know what I mean? It was deep. It was severe. The next day I went to check
out and the guy was like, "How is your stay?" I was like, "I really like the Loofah. I think it's a nice touch." And he of course
said, “What Loofah?” I know for a fact that men are the most
confident human beings alive because I used to
be a bank teller, I was a bank teller
for years, okay? And every day, I'm not
overexaggerating this number, every single day a
man would hit on me through the bank
teller window, okay? Negative money in
his account. Uh-huh? That's below zero, you
understand what I'm saying? Every day a man
would just do that. And he'd ask me
out, he'd be like, "Hey, I wanna take
you somewhere." I'm like, "Sir, I can
see you can't take me." You can't take me. Everyone's so angry, it's
so, I don't, too much anger. People need to cry more. I cry all the time, it is like
taking a shit outta my face. It feels so good. I cry like twice a week. I don't know what
everyone's CPWs are, cries per weeks, anyone? Can anyone beat two? Anyone got a number
higher than two? Six? Are you here with
friends, hopefully? Do you really cry
six times a week? - [Audience Member]
Depending on the day. - Oh my God, that's so cute! And you're a guy too, that
is, well you seem like a, is your hair blonde? You're a dyed blonde? Okay,
yeah, you're a sensitive dude. A lot of guys, a
lot of guys don't, there's a lot of constipated men just walking around
filled with tears, storming the Capitol, you know? Just like, urgh! At school, my dream,
my dream at school was you know that moment when
you're sitting in the classroom, teacher at the front, and
the receptionist comes in with a note for one of the students, and we know this note, it's usually that someone's
forgotten their school lunch money or forgot their PE
kit, but every now and again, this note was something more, and whenever this
receptionist came in, I was just like, is it death? Is it for me? I got so excited at the prospect of being told something
awful in front of people. Wanna hear something ridiculous? All four of my grandparents
died when I was at school. My parents told me
when I got home. No one sent a note. What a waste! She's always worried about that. Don't stop in the rest area at night, somebody will knock you in the head. You better lock your doors tight, somebody'll break in on
you and knock ya in the head. I'm surprised we don't hear
more about that on the news. Last night, 15 people got
knocked in head. I don't even like hot people. I think it's boring if someone's too attractive, I really do. That's why I don't like being in LA. It's just 10 out of 10s
across the board, boring. I prefer a seven out of 10, that's why I love being in Portland. All right. - Thank you. - Come on, I know I can say that here because everyone in Portland
thinks they're an exception. - Yes. - You just sit there with
your drinks and you go, "Not us, not us. I'm getting tired of the way
companies advertise to women. There's this thing called femertizing where they put a feminist
lean to commercials to sell more stuff. And it works sometimes, but the way they're doing
it now keeps getting weirder and weirder and
farther away from the product 'cause they wanna tug at our
like feminist heartstrings. So they're essentially like, "You enjoy being girl, right? "And you liked that girls were able to "girl before you, girl? "And you want girls to be
able to girl after you, girl? "Then buy Friskies." What? The cat food? Was this like a pussy joke the whole time? Now I'm at that age though, where I have finally
have accepted my body, and then my body's like, "I think we're gonna go
in another direction." I'm like, "Oh, can we talk about this?" I only now just got used to the pooch. I was like, "Yeah, but now we're gonna
add hair to places so." So I can't wait to get used to that. I think if I just let myself go, I could just naturally turn into a man, which I'm fine with 'cause I kind of need the money right now. I need a raise, I caught a woman the other day checking out my husband. Now 42 years old, I don't care. I don't care. I don't, it does not bother me. I'm confident enough, it doesn't bother me. This is what bothered me. I saw him notice. Like all of a sudden he
got confident and shit. Like he had a little pep in his step. Right? Like he was goin'. It took everything, everything in me not
to turn to this woman. Right? And be like, I'm sorry, do you want him? Do you want him? He blows his nose in his socks. I'm just always thrilled to be somewhere that isn't a wedding. It's just so nice for me. And particularly as the
last wedding that I went to, it was back in Kent where I'm from, so my husband wasn't invited. And I got there and I realized I had slept with three of the men there. That's quite a high
percentage, isn't it? Yeah. And it was a small wedding, mainly family. Oh, my God! The crown jewel of my
chaotic post breakup behavior was without a doubt the day
I got broken up with. And that same day I got broken up with, I immediately applied to
be on "The Bachelorette". Do you guys know "The Bachelorette"? It's like a long tradition. It's a woman in a long dress. She lives in a house with a bunch of men. I think the first
bachelorette was Snow White. "The Bachelorette" is an
American TV show institution. It's reality television heaven. Okay? I've always wanted
to be the bachelorette. She's amazing, right? She's there in a long dress
with 20 men every week she votes a man off until there's
three Republicans or farmers. And then because it's a
very heteronormative show, she has all three men propose to her. And the one that she
chooses, contractually, inevitably three to six
weeks later comes out as gay. Hello to the parents. Okay, now some of you in
the room here tonight, your children may be teenagers. - [Audience Members] Yeah. - Okay, cool. And during lockdown, your
teenage son or daughter may have left the room. What was that like, was that nice? 'Cause during lockdown,
my children were five, which meant they were just here. Just here for two fucking years. So I woke up in a
good mood recently, and I had a message on my
Facebook comedy page, that was from a man in Slovakia. And the message was simple. It said, "Hey, you suck,
and you look like a potato." (audience laughs) Devastating to find out the real reason my Irish
boyfriend is attracted to me. (audience laughs) Text my boyfriend,
upset, and he went, "The most beautiful
potato I've ever seen." (audience laughs) Went on for four months. He messaged me, he
messaged my agent, he messaged a few comedians, the message was always the same, "Fern Brady looks
like a potato." Every time I told my-- This is the worst thing. Any time I told my friends,
they all had the same answer. The answer was never, "It's okay, you don't
look like a potato." They all said the same thing. Every single one of them went, "Well, I love potatoes." Because like I think that
I think Spanish thoughts. They just come out English. I do, because honestly, I forget
that I don't speak Spanish. I'll see a situation happening where there's like somebody
who doesn't speak English trying to talk to somebody
who doesn't speak Spanish. And I'll be like, oh, lemme go help. What am I gonna do, help him guess? A couple days ago when
I woke up with a cold and I was texting my homegirl Sandy, "I was like, oh my god, I'm sick. I have this album recording. I'm so stressed out." And she goes, "Oh my god, Mercury's in retrograde." I was like, "Bitch, that's a weird way to pronounce, I'm sorry you're going through this." My baby child is so
different than the other two, because I was so tired. By the time I got around
to her I was beat down, and I was tired. And I let her do whatever she wanted to. And I've heard old women say, four, five, and six raise themselves. I bet they do. I bet they do. 'Cause I've let her do
whatever she wanted to. I was so on top on my
game with those first two. I was like flash cards. You're gonna make 100
on that spelling test. And I was up in school, I was room mom, and I was taking yogurt and muffins, and I was all up in everything. That third one came along and
I was like, "Can she read?" Anybody in here seeing Bieber on tour? - No.
- Get on it. It's something to see, dudes. I've seen his last two tours
at fucking Market Square Arena, Bankers Life Gainbridge
or whatever it's called. Took my kid sister to the second one, but honestly, it was kinda for me. Watching Bieber is fire, dude. I've never done heroin but he made me feel kinda like I knew. I know this tour will be a
little soft, he's married now, found Jesus all the way. But around the time of fucking purpose, he exploded out of a screen, like I said, over there at the field house and flew across all of us on angel wings. Dude, all I know is every
single person around me was wet. Soccer moms, gays, me. You didn't know if you
were crying or secreting. He's incredible. In the beginning of the
pandemic, Chili's put out a sign, "Chili's is concerned about your health." Now? Really? You have a salad that has
the word explosion in it. And the second part of the sign says, "And Chili's is concerned
about public safety. "That's why we're offering
curbside margaritas!" 'Cause nothing that says
health and safety like tequila delivered to the window of your Camry. ♪ Feeling good in the neighborhood ♪ Like if Chili's was a
sound, it would be, ah! It's much harder to make a new friend with just big talk. I did it once. It was in the first
lockdown, the main one, the surprise one, the
OG, the great unraveler. I was trapped with just my young son, four-year-old at that time son during that and I was so desperate for the company of an adult who was physically there that in the year 2020,
I actually made friends with my neighbor. - [Audience] Ooh. - Yeah, wait for it. - In London. - [Audience] Ooh. - Yeah, I don't know if any
of you have seen somebody who lives in London try and make friends with someone who happens
who live on their road. It's disgusting. It's like watching a snake
try and play a piano. But I did it. Needs must, right, I
did it, I went for it. I didn't muck about, I went for the woman who lives opposite me, Harmony, not loads in common, you know, not an obvious choice for
a new best friend on paper. I think sort of very much older than me, good two or three
generations older than me, I don't know what we
culturally got loads in common. She just, you know, into different stuff. She loves, God, maybe God. God and flowers and stuff. But we did it, you know, we did it and we did it without any small talk and I thought, God, you know, this is perfect because we
had the pandemic in common. We didn't need any of the
old little boredom chit chat, we got straight to the juicy stuff, you know, births, death, divorce. We shared tears, fears, cakes. I thought who needs
the perfect small talk, this is perfect, I love it. Months in though, I realized I hadn't seen the perfect foundational seeds for a friendship, when she
said you've never told me what you do for work. And I was like, oh, I'm
a stand up comedian. And she went, oh, my God. That's so exciting. Well, I'll have to look you up Francesca. It's too late to ever correct her. I'm just gonna have to
let her call me that for the rest of our lives. I am so aware that in this day and age, I am entered as a stand up comedian, if I'm gonna talk about
someone that's real in the world, I'm am under
a strong ethical obligation to change their name, especially if they've
got a distinctive name, like Harmony, especially if
you're filming the standup. But in this instance,
what is the fucking point. She's literally got no
way of every finding me. I did quit drinking, though, because the universe
gave me a sign. And by "universe,"
I mean "police." And by "sign,"
I mean "DUI." So I got a DUI. And the fucked up thing
about getting a DUI... as some of you
will find out tonight... ...is you're wasted, so you
think it's a joke. (audience laughing) I'm like, "Uh, they caught me. Pulled over that ass too fast--
whoop-whoop." (audience laughing) The officer came up to my
window and was like... "Excuse me, ma'am,
is your judgment impaired?" And I was like... "Yeah,
I'm driving a Honda Element." (audience laughing) And he was like, "I'm gonna need
to see your ID." So I went in my purse
and I grabbed my credit card and I was like, "Shut the tab." (audience laughing) And he was like, "I'm gonna need
you to step out of the car." And I was like, "All right,
but, hypothetically speaking, "in this situation,
how far would a blow-"J" Simpson get me?" (audience laughing) Spoiler alert: jail. (audience laughing)
