13 Signs You’re in a Relationship With a Narcissist

so do you wonder if you're with a narcissist well i'm going to give you 13 signs to look for so you can discover that this term's being thrown around everywhere like everyone breaks up and they're like oh they were a narcissist and it's not always true it's just become this garden-variety term i mean we all have narcissism in us narcissism is healthy it's a sense of self-love and self-effication um it's good for us but it's when it kicks over to the toxic side now the first thing you have to recognize with narcissism is it's a trait it's not a disorder they were not born this way and this is what's heartbreaking whether you've been with a narcissist you know one or you see one on tv remember to have tremendous empathy the reason they're a narcissist is they went through horrific pain and trauma in childhood like absolutely horrific the type of parenting they receive massive abandonment massive neglect massive manipulation and so while i don't want to let them off the hook for the consequences of how they treat people just remember this this is sad these are people in tremendous pain and i think that's something that gets lost we just lump them into a pile and go oh they're terrible people well they were made to be terrible and don't forget that so while you're gonna see the best way to deal with a narcissist is to end any contact with them don't forget that if you've been subjected or if you picked a narcissist um they became that because they've been through horrific things in childhood their parenting was really just awful okay so the first thing to recognize is with the narcissist everything's about power and control all right everything's a game because they they lack the ability to have proper empathy they just don't care it's not possible and so every attempt or every engagement with them is about extracting something from you it is a pure power dynamic a pure manipulative game that's all they're after and so they use incredibly crazy making tactics to get us to question our reality question who we are they'll spin everything back and as you'll see in the characteristics exactly how do they do that and one of the sure signs is they are always going to flip things around and turn it back on you they will claim you're the narcissist um it's always a diversion away from them so this is a i i did this show we've got a couple years ago and i did it an hour so i'm gonna have to run through this really quick to try and get this in a 20-25 minute podcast so we're just gonna glance over it but you know try and get deep enough so you can recognize if you're with a narcissist whether you work with one or you know so you can identify right away the first thing to recognize is they are incredibly charming they'll tell you how special you are how smart they need to feel special so they'll make you special now women female narcissists like everyone thinks it's just men oh no there are lots of female narcissists and and usually what they do is they dangle the carrot of sex highly sexual women who uh you know you see it on facebook and instagram you know all their pictures are sexually suggestive that's a strong indication not always but a strong indication that you might be dealing with a narcissist men you know obviously we know it's it's usually men in power men who've achieved a lot the most successful men generally um not generally i i hate to put a number on it but quite often there's you know pretty heavy narcissism there that drove them because they're after the achievement like they make all the money they made it's always about can i get more can i get i just i need more adulation and that's why they need they make you special and why they you know over inflate you and connect you they're so charming and why women you know will make you out to be something great sexually and you know chase you on and dangle that sexual care and they'll be highly sexual with you in the beginning and eventually withdraw the second thing about a narcissist is they will talk about them non-stop they don't ask you questions uh they don't follow up they'll take pretty much every topic and spin it back on themselves um my mom was narcissistic and i remember sitting at the you know dining room table christmas table there's big discussion going on and all of a sudden my mom would just blurt out how does this dress look on me like we'd be talking politics or whatever like she had to draw the attention back to her you know and that's a characteristic of a narcissist they'll just hold those a conversation and spin it back to them something about them it always has to revolve around them another sign you're with a narcissist is you feel crazy and confused all the time um i married a narcissist and i described the the feeling of being on a roulette wheel she would berate me for hours about how awful i was and i'd keep asking questions trying to find out what the problem was and i'd finally get it narrowed down and that's why i use the analogy of a roulette wheel it's like okay so it's red 22 if i do this everything will be better and the second i would get her to nail like i'd funnel it into like this is this is what the problem is she'd spin back out and all of a sudden it's black 15 and it would go on for hours and by the end of the conversation you know i mean i love to drink coke coca-cola is like i i probably have two or three a day it's my guilty pleasure well by the end of a conversation with her i would be convinced that my favorite drink was lemonade like you just go wow did i really do that maybe i did maybe i was mean that's the crazy making nature of being with a narcissist the fourth characteristic is that they ignore your needs and feelings they get bored when you talk about your emotional struggles they just tune out you know they'll grab their phone they just huh yeah yeah well and then they'll spin it back to them but they could really care less about how you feel when it comes to arguments they just shrug their shoulders they won't even engage it um they just walk away they just don't they just because they lack that empathy they really don't care but now flip side if they have you know emotional needs or wants you better listen that was my wife it was oh my god that's all i ever heard about was her needs her wants and how i wasn't you know perfectly meeting them even if i was um yet they can't handle any type of criticism any critique anything at all none and the second you critique them you can get violent rage and they'll usually spin it back on you the fifth sign that you're with a narcissist is they constantly need their ego stroke their looks their intellect their status um and therefore the friendships are difficult for them they don't have a lot of friends and nothing's long term nothing's connected they bounce in and out and it's always about the other person you know again that was my first wife um she you know latch on to somebody and then the next thing you know after a short period of time it was you know how this person betrayed him and he betrayed her and how awful they were it was just this cycle you know there were some long-term people but but she could never stay in relationship with them there would you know be periods of time they'd get together and there'd be some blow up and she would cast them aside um because a narcissist the reason is a narcissist is sucking the emotions out of you they survive off of our emotions and so but they need a constant supply and a new supply like you're not enough there isn't you can't give them enough emotion or not meet enough of their needs and they need it from many sources not just one person and so they will use you for a period of time until they cast you away or they'll keep you in your hip pocket in their hip pocket until they've just taken everything from you and they're so bored it's like a cat with it you know you play with a cat you bring a toy home and they just love it and after a couple minutes like just look at you i mean that's a good way to describe a narcissist they're like cats they just could give a damn about anyone but themselves and that's really what it you know i know i'm gonna get cat people going well my cat's not that way my cat's great i'm sure there are but we all know that very few cats are engaging they're basically narcissists it's all about them and they can really care less about you and they give you that look that's a great analogy of a narcissist a big characteristic number six of a narcissist is they are incredibly sarcastic they put you down they have demeaning names for you like my ex would call me dork um all the time they have mean one-liners they criticize what you do how you do it what you wear um they shrug it off is what are you so sensitive for like she just would be driving and she'd punch me in the arm and she'd have this look in her eye and i'd be like could you stop she's like what what can't take it can't take it it was just pure evil i mean because here i am as a man i can't punch back do you see the power dynamic and you see the evilness of that and the criticism the demeaning like challenging my manhood if i can't take a woman hitting me right you know punching me in the arm what's the big deal can't you take it like that was the stuff i went through and that's what they'll do whether it's the way you dress the way you look you know they'll find disrespectful pet names for you they'll ask you to do something and then the way you do it they go well that's not right that's not good enough you know i expected something better than that you know you've planned this wonderful date or something and they find ways to criticize it the seventh characteristic is they feel entitled to respect special treatment and immediate compliance of their requests like you drop the world for them and if you don't oh my god this is where they spin it you're so selfish you're so self-centered all you care about is yourself yet their demands are instant it's just it's all about them but if you you know god you could your parents could be dying and they request that you bring home take out and you're at the hospital and then they'll chastise you well i worked all day i was exhausted and you know you've spent your life with your mother you know things like that like just and you're like wow you're caught in this double bind you know you're constant with a narcissist you feel like you're in a double bind whichever whatever choice you make you lose you can never win that's the toxic toxic nature of it number seven they resent or they envy others success they put them down and they'll put you down when you try to succeed or they'll try and take credit for it they'll say well you know if it wasn't for my support if it wasn't you know um they'll see someone else that's succeeding just as much or close to them and they'll find fault in it i know that's one of my narcissistic traits i do that i have to own that you know when it comes to the personal development stuff i love what i talk about and i think other people i put down other people it's something i always have to catch myself but see a narcissist would never admit that never they can't admit any wrongdoing i mean i have pardon me narcissistic traits and that's one of them where because of my own insecurity because this means so much to me and i know how helpful the things i talk about are to other people it goes back to my childhood i could never get my dad to listen to me and hear who i really was and so my narcissism the abandonment the low self-esteem the sense of not being good enough pops up and i'm like why won't people listen to this this could be so helpful well that's incredibly narcissistic i don't know if you need to listen to what i talk about maybe it helps you maybe it doesn't it depends on where you are in your journey and you know it's but do you see because i've done the work on it i can see reality like the adult me goes okay that's just the broken child in you that wants everyone to think what you talk about is a value to them okay the difference being and you know when i get into that childish narcissistic state i can get into adulthood and manage it whereas a narcissist would never admit that oh wow i'm being really childish here this is about my trauma history this isn't about them i'm the problem so the ninth characteristic is they have a jekyll a jekyll and hyde mood they can be passive aggressive lashing out at you and then one minute they're kind the next minute they're mean they've just you never know what's going on their opinions or beliefs change um and they try and fit those to make you crazy like i said that was my first wife you know get it narrowed down to red 22 on the roulette wheel and it spin out to black 15. could nev i could never ever understand what she needed or wanted and literally it could she would sit and scream and yell this was how underdeveloped i was because of my childhood the best i could do is i would stand in front of her screaming at me for six hours constantly asking questions constantly taking abuse constantly hearing how awful i was and constantly trying to fix it well the key with the narcissist if they don't want you to fix it because she got me for six hours sucking all that life out of me it's all about power and so if i ever fixed it she'd lose her power source she couldn't feed off me emotionally she couldn't suck it all out of me okay the other thing number i mentioned this earlier the tenth characteristic is they are hypersensitive they're unable to accept any kind of criticism they tend to view any feedback as a threat or insulting like this is where they'll spin it this is where they call you the narcissist call you evil like all the things that they've done oh my god how could you and you're like well wait a minute you're punching me in the arm calling me a dork and they won't hear it like and they'll get rageful like that was the thing she scared the living hell out of me the rage in her eyes like it and then she was physically abusive too so it would it was the best i could do i just i would shut down i'd freeze um so but that's the that's the way they control you is they they use that volatile mood swings they become overly upset when you offer any sort of suggestion that's contrary to what they believe or what they think or how they should do something they get completely annoyed about any feedback um and and can and will most often fly into a rage um if you disagree with them in any way like you have to be compliant so look there are arguments in a relationship so there's a you know a lot of people going oh that's my husband that's my wife well no this is constant it's everything and not everyone's like that okay people have certain trigger points but not everything is a any type of critique will do that meaning not every person will fly into rage over every any sort of suggestion or critique but a narcissist it's basically a hundred percent of the time characteristic number eleven is they are massive manipulators they are gifted absolutely gifted they promise to go to you know therapy um they'll manipulate by threatening to harm themselves um they'll never but they'll never go to therapy i mean that again i keep bringing up my ex-wife we went to five different therapists and as long you know we'd go in and she'd tell the therapist how awful i was and we'd spend i don't know two to four weeks working on kenny and the whole sessions would just be me hearing how awful i was and me learning skills and tools to get better at that and then every counselor would turn to her and go so what about you let's talk about you and on the drive home she'd go yeah i don't like them we need to see somebody else and again i couldn't stand up for myself and so we'd move on to the next therapist so that's one of the they'll go into therapy under that guys you know that if they go into therapy and and they get any suggestion from the therapist that they're the problem boom they're gone they won't participate okay and i i run into that a lot in couples therapy the couples that i work with um you know one of the spouses refuses to look at anything about themselves it's always the other person number 12 they accuse you of something random usually behaviors that they're doing um like out of the blue you're like and this is the crazy making aspect this happened to me all the time it's like wait like you know i can't believe kenny that you um left the you know the the trash in the trash can yesterday and it's like but wait a minute i've been in veil the last five days working i wasn't even here oh yes you were and you're like like you question it and they're so good at it they've developed this massive false story to just drill into you and they won't let it go and then the aggression gets up because now you're challenging their view and their reality and and you know usually people that fall prey to a narcissist is because of you know unhealed trauma in themselves and so that's why you know i've done another video on you know the seven reasons we attract a narcissist because of our own damage like this you we don't end up with a narcissist because we're healthy we end up with a narcissist because of our own damage and so if you're with a narcissist the biggest mistake you can make is to think they're just the problem oh no it's both and so if you're with if you've heard this you're like my god i'm with a narcissist go to my youtube channel and look for the i think the seven ways we attract a narcissist because you need to see that because your your unhealed trauma is the whole reason you got with them and they're not responsible for that we need to fix that like i had to go heal the characteristics of me that allowed me to get in that relationship they're not she was never responsible for that because had i had i healed those before meeting her we would have never met so don't forget that if you're with a narcissist it's you need work too you know i say that lovingly we're all perfectly imperfect we've all been through less than perfect childhoods and that's why we're drawn to these dynamics so um again number 12 is they accuse you of random things that and that's the crazy making stuff where you're like i have no clue where this is coming from and finally number 13 is gaslighting and this this is the torturous aspect of it um and you know you've been gaslighted if you don't feel like you're the person you used to be if you feel more anxious and less confident like i know i the set like i would driving home from work like the anxiety the fear and walking in the house going okay how do i need to act what do i need to do can i say anything like you know i constant fear and anxiety um depressed um there are pictures of me i was i you know it was like 60 pounds thinner i stopped eating um yeah it was awful you and that and you're constantly asking yourself well am i being too sensitive you're constantly taking on blame for everything in the relationship that's what the guest lighting does you feel like everything you do is wrong you think it's all your fault when things go wrong you find yourself apologizing all the time you sense that something's wrong in the relationship but you can't identify it and that's because the double bind they always place you in and how they're able to magically spin out of any imperfection and spin it back on you and by the end of it you're like god i guess i did do that i remember that going god i guess i did that and apologizing for things i'd never done like they're gifted really gifted at that you'll question whether your response to your partner was appropriate like whichever way you go that's the other part of it is because of their mood swings you respond to a question or something they've done this way and you're like oh that worked the next day you do the same thing and it's oh my god you're the worst person in the world and so you're like uh what do i do and you ask him about it then the rage this is the roulette wheel red 22 black 15. but i did this no you didn't that's not what you did you did this and not like right because you're challenging them the other thing is you make excuses for the behavior you basically deny and minimize it to your friends your family um you're trying to find a way because the reason we do that this goes to the seven signs in us is we don't want to admit we're part of the problem and that we're getting sucked into it because our self-esteem is so low it would be another self-esteem hit to admit to ourselves wow i'm really getting sucked into this okay again i don't have time to go into that go watch my other video if you're succumbing to a narcissist it's because of your own unhealed pain and i go into more depth on that so what's the solution to if you want to outsmart a narcissist there's only one way to stay with a narcissist to outsmart a narcissist to conquer them you have to become one that's it you have to give up your soul you have to remove any sense of empathy you basically have to be around them and adopt their patterns you can never beat a narcissist ever ever ever ever ever ever you will never get them to see the truth you will never get them to feel empathy for you you will never and this is the toughest p piece for people that are around a narcissist is they because of their own their severe their own severe abandonment in childhood they keep thinking they can fix it and that's one of the signs that's one of the ways they play into being seduced by a narcissist is their own massive abandonment and they think they can fix it you just can't so if you're with if you recognize you're with a narcissist and you're like i've got to get out i've got to end this i'm done well i'm going to give you some solutions to do that the first is you have to delete block and remove any and all contact with them you can't engage them in any way if you delete and block them and they find a way around it and they get in touch with you you cannot respond ever ever ever you have to completely cut the emotional supply because you know they'll persist and especially here's what happens is you start to heal and start to get better out of nowhere they'll magically appear you'll run into them they'll send a text i remember my ex-wife 12 years later when i discovered all this when i finally recovered my soul was maybe a little longer than that but i'd finished my book and everything it was scary she lived thousands of miles away and i hadn't heard from her in years and boom i get an email i was just thinking about you i'm worried are you okay like made my like that's how gifted they are at feeling and reading your emotion i had cleared from her like completely and she went reaching back trying to see can i suck it back out it was creepy and that's what they'll do and that's why you just have to no more contact you can't get narrow you just can't respond to things like that when you think you're like oh i can handle it now no you can't you'll be sucked right back in you have to set boundaries with them and stick with them you can't break them you build their master manipulators so they'll find a way to try and seduce you into breaking those boundaries you can't do it and finally i said this just a minute ago you have to get into reality you can't change them they aren't nice not because they're bad people but like i said because they were made this way but they are no they are not capable of true love connection intimacy support and actually being there for you and you have to accept that truth it is absolutely impossible it's like trying to tell the sun that it's you know purple is are you going to be able to convince anyone and yourself that the sun is purple no it's the same with the narcissist you could you you have to accept this is who they are and finally you can never let your guard down ever ever like i said my ex years years later sends an email ah still just makes my skin crawl how adept they are at knowing that and so you always when that request comes in when that attempt comes in you have to be ready for it and start choosing okay it's time for me to gain myself back again if you're in the relationship with a narcissist if you're leaving one you're unsure how you ended up with one please go to my youtube channel i think again the name i should have written it down uh the seven signs you you're the seven ways we attract a narcissist i think that's the way to that's the title the seven ways we attract a narcissist you have to watch that if you've ever been with a narcissist and you haven't seen those things in yourself and recovered from them you will continue to attract narcissists in your life you'll find you'll just move on to the next one maybe not as severe maybe more severe but it requires work on our end that's the biggest mistake that's the single biggest mistake people make that they've been with the narcissist is they go oh it wasn't me and that's the problem with the online stuff you go watch everything on narcissism they make out the person who's been with one is a saint and they never did anything oh you poor thing they never show them wait a minute there are things inside of you that allowed this dynamic to happen that made you attracted to them and so they never help them and this is where my narcissism comes up i get angry i'm like they need to tell you this why won't they tell you this they just oh you're a victim it's not your fault well that doesn't help you it doesn't get you to the solution of how you ended up there in the first place so anyway there's my low self-esteem the little kid in me who still wants his father to listen to him projecting it on to you you guys are now my father please listen to me um you know the wounds inside of me um that i get to i love them i get to embrace them every day and just go out sometimes it's the best i can do and i you know there's a lot worse things in life to be imperfect so i love my imperfections and that's one of them i love too it's just how else could i have survived what i went through than to react that way so at any rate it's the same for you there's nothing wrong with you you just went through some pain and you just have a choice if you want to overcome it so there are your 13 signs there's your way to end it with a narcissist get help for yourself and reclaim your life i hope you choose it you're worth it

Channel: Kenny Weiss

Views: 99,583

Keywords: kenny weiss, the greatness movement, your journey to success, life coach, speaker, author, coach, therapist, counselor, kenny weiss youtube, kenny weiss narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissists, narcissistic, 13 signs you're in a relationship, 13, relationship, how to spot a narcissist, relationships, narcissist relationship, psychology, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic relationship, 13 signs you're in a relationship with a narcissist

Id: JTQdZ5s2n0k

Length: 29min 39sec (1779 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 17 2021