21 Gaslighting Phrases and 10 Gaslighting Techniques Narcissists Use

in today's video I'm going to share with you 21 common phrases and 10. common techniques that both narcissists and just toxic abusers will use against you now make sure you stay till the end because technique number 10 that they use is very rare very few people are aware of this technique and it will be groundbreaking for you to be able to realize and solidify if you're with a narcissist or a toxically abusive person so let's get to the 21 most common phrases that if you're hearing these you want to pay attention all right so keep this list with you the first one is you're being paranoid you're overreacting that never happened you're making that up you have always been crazy oh God we've heard that haven't we like that just makes your skin crawl um or this one I don't know what you want me to say it's your fault everyone agrees with me it was a joke can't you just take a joke how dare you accuse me of doing that why can't you be more like and then fill in the blank they'll use that of why can't you be more like your sister your mother my sister my mother I can't have any negative emotions around you there is something seriously wrong with you well you're not perfect either stop exaggerating don't blame me I never meant to hurt you hey let's just forgive and forget why are you always bringing up the past this is how you treat me after everything I've done for you we already talked about this don't you remember and finally I think you need professional help now I want to be clear almost all of us have said something like this a time or two all right we're human we're Perfectly Imperfect we snap and we say something that is less than loving but when we're talking about a narcissist or a toxically abusive person these are common you will see this on a daily basis you will see these phrases repeated over and over these actions this isn't a every once in a while thing so that's a clear distinction just because somebody said this once does not classify them as a narcissist or toxically abusive it might be an abusive moment which we all and I this is a tough Truth for people to accept all of us at times are human and imperfect and we say and do abusive things that's the limitation that we all have that's not what this video is about all right but so don't brand somebody with this big paintbrush that their Narco abuser because they said that once all right you're looking for a repetition of any of those 21 phrases there are many more but that those are main ones to keep an eye out for so now let's get into the 10 Common techniques that they drew that they use probably the most explicit one that will show up repeatedly is they deny truth they either directly lie or deny something and they refuse to admit the lie or refuse to see any sort of truth even when you show them proof of it see there's a difference between having a different reality or a different memory but when there's proof of a behavior thought feeling action a recording a picture whatever it is and they deny the truth so you're looking for that explicitly where there is proof and they look right at you and go that's not true that's not what it says that's not what I did you know all right so that's what you're looking for is a complete Detachment and denial from truth number two uh memory distortion what they do here is they insist that an event or behavior that you witnessed never happened and that you are remembering it wrong so do you see this is the gaslighting of you know saying look Kenny was wearing a green suit in that video about uh common techniques like they will insist that your memory that it's a you know light purple violet lilac colored suit that your memory is off yet there's proof of it so number one and number two tying together so they will challenge your memory and distort it for you and convince you that your recollection of events is completely different all right number three spread rumors they use this by gossiping about you or telling other people that you are gossiping about them all right so a lot of people call this the flying monkeys you know they're all these different terms but you know they're just what they're doing is they're creating cohorts and people to get on their side that they can use against you and so they spread gossip and rumors around you in a basically creating soldiers so that you're more and more isolated uh number four they changed the subject so you have that experience where you start to pin them down on something like you're about to you know show them proof of their behavior and in that moment they refuse to listen especially when confronted with a lie or their gaslighting behavior or their memory Distortion or any one of these techniques they just I mean and what's fascinating too is you can be having this heated discussion and all of a sudden they'll go isn't it a great day out like this chameleon-like change and personality can happen for the most severe um other forms are more subtle where you know they just slightly change the subject of the discussion maybe it was about blaming them and they shifted to you but it whatever it is one of the common techniques is they will change the subject number five is they minimize your feelings telling you that you are overreacting that your experience of them or whatever it is that's going on in your life um that it's not as big as you think it is or their behavior they were just joking and you're being too sensitive and so when you point out their imperfections and their lies and their memory Distortion or changing the subject um they do anything they can to belittle and minimize your feelings all right number six blame shifting all right I have a great video on this if you head over to my denial and self-deception playlist I can't remember the full title but you'll see it right at the top just go to Denial self-deception on YouTube and I have a great video on blame shifting and how to deal with this but um what they do here is they will you know change roles all right they'll say you acted or behaved differently than you did and then they turn it around of how dare you treat me this way I would never treat you like that um and so it they take a situation that was clearly they're wrong and they shift it and you walk away gone oh I'm sorry I don't know why I did that to you that that's what I went through the most man I just I look back and I go God I'm not that stupid but when you have when you're less than perfect and you have codependence issues and childhood trauma and all these different things it's just the best I could do with who I was at the time all right number seven they use words to hide their actions so they try to smooth things over um by being kind and sweet with their words um you know even like they can be gaslighting you manipulating you blame shifting you changing the subject creating rumors but they do it with a smile on their face very kind and loving words as they completely denigrate and eviscerate you and you're you're just sitting there going wait a minute you're affect your body language your tone feels incredibly loving but the words dripping off your tongue it's like this snake is coming out and just or you know you're dying a thousand paper cuts behind this sweet mask of love that looks you know the affect is loving but the words are conniving and destructive um number eight storytelling this is where they twist the story it's you know pretty similar to blame shifting and they create an alternate story so this is a little bit different because they altered the the parameters and actual events of the story to minimize what they said or did all right or make your side of the story worse than it was or change your role in the story all right so in it the ex you know let's face it whenever we're discussing events with somebody we're telling a story our version of a story and so they distort both their role in the story and the other person or other people in the story all right so that's what you want to keep an eye out of wait a minute it's on film of exactly how this situation and story unfolded yet they're telling a completely altered reality and sometimes it's very subtle it could just be little Minor Details but notice how those little Minor Details will always be in their favor and against you okay number nine isolation this is where they start working against your friends and family and separating you from them whether it's denigrating them and how beneath they are or how rude they are to you and you shouldn't put up with that or how terrible the friends and family treat them and you should support me and have my back if you really love me you wouldn't let them treat me this way and then they use storytelling blame shifting creating rumors memory Distortion all of these other techniques to distort the reality of your current relationships with those closest to you and they put you in what's called a double bind which means whichever way you go you lose and so you want to keep the relationship so if you choose them also the condition of the relationship is you have to get rid of your friends and family if you but if you choose your friends and family you lose them and so this is really with every aspect of these common techniques you're always in a double bind whichever way you go you feel like you use you you will lose if you stand up for yourself they're going to leave you or get more abusive if you give in they're going to get more abusive and you feel more depleted so common I probably should have said this from the beginning but an underlying Dynamic throughout all gaslighting is you feel like no matter what you choose you will lose called it double bind whichever choice you make there is there's never a good one and so you become blank numb it's all the you know great a great analogy is this remember for those of you old enough like me the old Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The Predator and the way the Predator survived is it cloaked itself it became the surrounding and the way it was an alien that came down on the planet and it was in this jungle and so it became like the scenery so it meant you couldn't see it and the way it survived is it would eat a human it would suck everything off of them but leave a skeleton that's what the gaslighting does it devours all of you and that's what the double bind does when you're caught in a place where you have no no ability to win no ability to love yourself stand up for yourself advocate for yourself what over time all that's left is a carcass that was me I was a complete carcass no Nothing Left of Me and I'm sure many of you know that exact same experience so if you're starting to feel that pay attention that that double bind situation all right now number 10 this is the one I said you're probably not aware of and very few people talk about who knows maybe you know a lot more than I do and you're like oh this Kenny that's so silly so-and-so talks about that all the time I've known that for years you think you're so great and you know so much and and you're probably right um but at least in my experience very few people recognize that this is a form of gaslighting and what this is is you try and get ahead of the problem have you ever found yourself explaining what you're gonna do in the future or why you're going to do something in the future or what somebody else is going to do so you're getting ahead of the situation so that you can control it to because what you're trying to do is avoid the double bind of all of these situations and so if you find yourself constantly with that sense of fear and wait a minute I gotta I gotta let them know all of these details because you know because you know how they get triggered over certain things and so you try and address them beforehand like you can tell your friends or family wow we better do this because Joe or Sally my husband or wife will get upset and so you're getting ahead of a situation trying to mitigate and do everything you can so none of these nine double bind situations happen I see this in almost all relationships now this doesn't always indicate there were the narcissist or an abuser what this indicates is severe low self-esteem high levels of fear the inability to say No Lack of internal and external boundaries and severe codependence and so what they're trying because do you hear it's all about control yet they don't see it they see it as a self-protection mechanism all right and so these type you know if somebody is with a narcissist or a toxic abuser they have tremendous unhealed pain that's what creates the attraction I mean get into that more when I give you Solutions here in just a second and so what they don't realize is they they then try and gain control from the victim position and this is one of the ways they do it they're out ahead of it trying to control their narcissist which is a narcissistic trait okay it's not I mean don't take my words out of context I'm not calling them a narcissist what they really are is like I said a very severe codependent who's struggling with little or no self-esteem high levels of fear the inability to say no a lack of an internal and external boundary and they may be either the typically disempowered codependent or the falsely empowered codependent but because they lack the ability in all of those areas they can't just say no they can't just let life come they have to try and control the toxically abusive person in their life they don't recognize two things one that if you feel you have to be out front of all you know many of the situations in your relationship with this other person that's a dramatic sign if you're always out front it's it's a key indicator that you might be with somebody either narcissistic or abusive at the very least it is a key indicator that you are really struggling with all of those conditions within you all right so it may not be about them but I will say in this gaslighting situation because of what they've been through and because of all of those conditions that they struggle with because those are all present in a person who's with a gaslighting narcissist or toxically abusive person every single one of them they would not get in a relationship with them if they did not have little or no self-esteem high levels of fear the inability to say no the inability to set boundaries and they struggle with codependence either either from the disempowered position or the falsely empowered position so that's number 10. hopefully you've never heard that it's like wow that really helps me make sense of this if you've already heard about it then you know what you should be doing videos because you are very you are very well read and very well researched and I think that's very commendable that you care enough about yourself that you have looked into this stuff so that you can help yourself um I think if it were me and I were that person I I would I would hope you feel very proud of yourself because that's what this takes all of this relationships take take work there's a terrible believe that relationships should be easy well that's a lie if any of us want a good healthy relationship we need to go become experts in having a relationship and I'm going to help you do that I'm going to give you several Solutions right now the first one is this if you are if you think you're in this situation or you've been in this situation I highly suggest that you pick up my book your journey to success now there's several reasons for this one my book after reading it you will see how your childhood trauma created your attraction to this person more importantly once you make that connection you're also going to because it's going to bring you into truth and reality that all attraction is based on childhood trauma and that if it weren't for this unhealed childhood trauma you would have never been attracted to them and that's the part we must get into truth about that we played a part in choosing this person we are not a Prince or princess who has no responsibility for this Dynamic and so it brings us into that truth and reality pardon me um and taking personal responsibility for ourselves that wow I played a part in this I'm not to blame it doesn't condone their actions and I'm responsible for my part and that here's the beauty of that when you get into truth and you take responsibility do you see what naturally comes from that you can forgive yourself for choosing them because ultimately if you still hate them if you're still resentful and angry and have so much venom and and on videos like this you tell stories of how awful they were that means you haven't forgiven yourself you're still filled with the resentment and so when you read my book and understand the processes you can let go of that resentment because if you're still that angry and you still want to tell stories about that that means they still own you they're still gaslighting you even if it was 30 years ago you have not left the relationship you've not healed it because you haven't been able to see your part in it live in truth take responsibility and ultimately forgive yourself that's what my book will give you that is key to navigating these type of people the next step is remember what I said little or no self-esteem high levels of fear the inability to say no and set boundaries and highly codependent now I suggest Pia Melody three books by her which I think not a single person on this planet should be allowed to go on a date until they read these three books the first one is called facing codependence the value of this book is you're going to learn what very few people know that codependence is not just the disempowered it is both the disempowered and the falsely empowered what our world thinks as successful people are falsely empowered codependents that's why I say everyone on this planet is codependent when you read that book you'll see it it'll give you a new understanding of codependence second book I suggest you read of hers is called facing love addiction this is important because you most likely if you're with a narcissist or a toxically abusive person most likely you're a love addict and you need to see how that abandoned the underlying abandonment that you are feeling is driving your addiction to stay with them and put up all with all of these behaviors you're also going to recognize there's you know love addiction love avoidance that's what you're going to learn about and you're going to see how you know these toxically abusive people are love avoidance all right so it's a deeper understanding of the codependent Dynamic you're in and how the low self-esteem and everything else plays into creating love addicts and love avoidance finally her third book intimacy Factor now this gives you a practical view of what it's like what recovery looks like how to navigate situations like this how to respond because it you know you can talk about these Concepts but people usually need to see a model of it well that's what's so great about intimacy factor is there all these scenarios and you can see your own life in it and so now you can you'll know much better how to apply all of the knowledge you pick up from my book and our other books in your life and you can live in this more healthy state the next suggestion I would offer you is to head over to my YouTube channel go to my codependence playlist I have a gosh I can't even remember is it 30 50 videos on codependence tremendous information that builds off of PM Melody stuff in my own insights on the dynamic it's free very valuable information that you need so you can get away from these people and start stop choosing them all right the next suggestion I would offer you is to head to my website at kennywise.net and go to my resources page once there scroll down to the middle and I think I have is it six or eight free downloads all on codependence recovery all right take advantage of all of them you're going to gain so how to set boundaries like I didn't write down all the names because I'm like just get them all they're free there are many techniques in there many processes in there that'll help you navigate all of this and it's free take it like I put out so much free stuff for you guys like please take advantage of it like don't just watch the video videos are not enough if you I mean the videos that I and other people do they help but it's not you will not get to where you want to go if all you do is watch videos you have to do the work and that's why I've tried to provide so much free content the next free con piece of free content I would suggest you do is on my website the greatness you.com and that's my free masterclass your journey to emotional Mastery this will give you the foundational piece that you need to heal the pain from your past and the codependence in your life and all of the things that Drew you you know your connection and your attraction low self-esteem high levels of fear inability to say no inability to set boundaries and codependence you need the basic understanding to see how the pain from your childhood is being relived with this person and how you chose them and I know that you're like no I didn't choose them oh yes you did and that's why you need this free class is it'll show you oh my God I did now you're not to blame but because of all that unhealed pain in your childhood you had no shot I could have put you in a room with twenty thousand people of the opposite sex only one of them would have been this way and if you grew up in these types of childhoods you'd come out and say oh they're all really attractive nice wealthy whatever it is you like but there's something about this one your brain and body gets addicted to them at to looking for that because of that unhealed pain you need that basic step of recovery to get away from this type of stuff now for those of you you know because a lot of people are like I'm not quite ready to do recovery work so that's why you know I'll I mean I guess there's some books that you could pay for but most of what I've just given you is free now for a lot of you it's like I'm done I need I need the full process I need to recover well then I would suggest you sign up for my complete emotional Mastery method master classes that walks you through the complete Journey reclaiming your self-esteem um learning about all three levels of fear and how to conquer them how to say no set boundaries you know three of the nine master classes are voted to codependence recovery it is your complete process to navigate all of this it's only forty seven dollars a month you can cancel any time but why you would I don't see why I mean it's so inexpensive and you're going to need to spend at least a year it to do this right the the information in there is so detailed and so thorough that if you did this the right way it would probably take you six months four to six months to go through those nine master classes to really dig in and do the work and then I'd suggest you take a month or two off and do it again and you will be blown away at how much better you do it the second time but ideally you should be a member of that for one to two years because think of it if you're 20 30. 50 60 years old you've been living in this dysfunctional state for decades even if you've gotten some help but you're listening to this and you recognize I'm not there yet you've been living in that for decades and you think one month you're gonna fix it all or a year this takes work like I've been at this I've been on the recovery Journey for 30 years and I'm like you can see in my videos I still have many perfect imperfections like I have a long way to go but I'm at peace with it like I don't care I love seeing them because I know the peace that it gives me and I also recognize we're human we're Limited we can only do and accomplish so much and so what you by making this your priority in life you learn to be okay with everything not being okay and if you don't have that in your life then take advantage of all the solutions I just brought you or I just suggest it to you that's how you get there so there you go there are your 21 phrases your 10 techniques pardon me and several solutions that you can choose what works best for you and whichever ones you choose as always remember enjoy the journey

Channel: Kenny Weiss

Views: 139,652

Keywords: 21 Gaslighting Phrases And 10 Gaslighting Techniques Narcissists Use, Arizona counselor, Best Life Coach in Arizona, Emotional Mastery, Kenny Weiss, Narcissist Relationships, Relationship Advice, Self Love, Transformational Coaching, Trauma recovery, Your Journey to Success: How to Accept the Answers You Discover Along the Way, codependency, gaslighting, gaslighting phrases, life coach, mental health, sam vaknin, the greatness university, worst day cycle, your journey to success

Id: 3kUTlNYkFRQ

Length: 30min 8sec (1808 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 07 2023