- Welcome back to the
Heal the Hurt podcast. In today's show, I'm going to talk about the fascinating polarity of the two codependent personality types. Now, codependents can be characterized as living in one of two extremes, the typical under empowered codependent that we all mostly identify with and know, but what few people recognize
or it gets lumped in, unfortunately, is the other
spectrum, the over empowered. That side has never
really been separated out by most people. And that's the side I really
want to dig in to today, to give you an understanding, because I think without this information, we're missing out on really
developing healthy, loving, connected relationships,
careers, and parenting styles. Now, before I get into the specifics of the over empowered codependent, I want to share what I believe are the six common
characteristics that they share. The first one is childhood trauma. As I talked about in my previous video what causes co-dependence, anyone who's struggling
with co-dependence, and I believe it's all of us, have been through less than
nurturing parenting which, by its nature, is abusive. Now, I know that term is very
difficult for people to hear, but I don't think we as
a society are in reality as to how this less than
nurturing dysfunctional parenting affects us so deeply, and that's why I choose,
along with Pia Mellody, to call it abusive. As she pointed out and I
pointed out in that video, we tend to only have this small segment of what abuse looks like. And, what I think we're minimizing is the impact of all these subtle ways, not because parents are bad, this isn't... Again, I'm never trying to blame parents. You can't be blamed for
something you were never taught. We've never approached the subjects, so everyone's doing the best they can, parents that have done these things, and I've done all of them. Like, I'm as guilty as anybody. I have been abusive to my children. And it's my belief until
we get into that reality, because as you're going to see, one of the common core
symptoms of codependency, is an inability to live in reality that at times we are all abusive. That's just being human. That doesn't make us bad. And so, the way to recover from it, is one we have to admit that that happens. We also, by doing so, create the ability for true connection
and intimacy to happen, because if we're not in truth,
we can't have connection, we can't have intimacy. And so, at the core, what
both the under empowered and the over empowered share, is they suffered abusive less
than nurturing parenting. And if you want to learn
more about what those are, go check out my video that I did just the other day regarding this topic. I'll leave you the link
for that so you can look at and begin to get into reality that these perfect
imperfections of our parents that they weren't intended to be unloving, but they are abusive, and they've left tremendous
wounds in all of us. Nobody's immune, we're all
struggling with this dynamic, and that makes it inclusive, because so many people
don't want to admit stuff, 'cause then I'm separate,
I'm bad, I'm defective. We're all the same in this area. We're all perfectly imperfect and hurting, and do you see it becomes inclusionary and it's no longer segregated, and that's what gives
us the freedom to go, okay, I'm not a bad person. We can join in this together
and break through this barrier, and create true connection
with our parents and the people we want to
build relationships with, and our own parenting of
our own children, okay? The second characteristics
that they share in common is they both have damaged self-esteem. Now, on the under empowered, classically, they have little
or no self-esteem, all right? And that's part of what they're doing is, they're trying to take care of others to feel a sense of esteem. That's what they were taught in childhood. Now, on the other side,
the over empowered, they have false esteem. They're looking for esteem
outside of themselves in something that's called other esteem. I'll get into what
others esteem looks like, but it's basically, remember, we're talking
about the polarity here, one side under powered,
one side over empowered, and so they have a
grandiose false arrogance about themselves, and that's codependent. The next characteristics
that they share in common is an inability to take care
of their needs and wants. Now, on the younger empowered
side, what they are, they can be too needy, too dependent. They're too demanding. So, by demanding somebody else rescue them and take care of them, they don't have the ability
to take care of themselves. Now, on the polar opposite side, you have the over empowered
and they are anti-dependent. They are needless and wantless. These are the people that never open up, they never ask for help, they
stay shut down and walled off. That's still co-dependence. What the next symptom that
they both share in common is dysfunctional boundaries. Again, they do it in polar opposite ways. The under empowered is boundaryless. They're too vulnerable,
they're too dependent, they're chaotic and impulsive. While the over empowered,
they live behind walls. They are controlling, they
are quiet, they are distant. Again, it's the polar opposite of needing so much and
not needing anything. And so completely, both sides
are in complete dysfunction, and not in healthy, mature
moderation, adult moderation. The next core symptom
that they share in common is an ability to express
and own their reality. And this is what they
both will struggle with. They will see them, on
the under empowered side, they will see themselves
as unselfish and kind in all the ways they try and help people. They're like, oh, I just want to be kind and take care of people and be supportive, when the fact is it's manipulative. It's like I had a client,
even just this morning, she's struggling with this, and she's breaking up with a boyfriend who's very destructive. And she was like, I can't
do this over the phone. I can't do it in text. I'm a kind person, I have
to do this in person. Well, then she went on to tell me how the ex wouldn't leave the apartment, spent the whole day with them. She allowed by her... She was out of reality that her niceness actually set up an abusive dynamic, and a manipulative dynamic
where he hung out all day which gave her false attention, even though she didn't want it. Remember she's needless and
wantless, can't set boundaries. And so, but she's not in reality that her niceness is actually
manipulative and abusive, because now it also allows
his dysfunction to operate. So she's enabling it. And so, they're out of,
on the under empowered, they're out of reality, that their so-called niceness
and kindness actually isn't. They can't see themselves, and
they can't see it that way. And they're firmly convinced
that this is kind and loving, how they care about other people. You'll hear a lot of
people, I'm an empath. What an empath really is, is a hyper codependent
who has no boundaries. Everything gets in affects
their internal boundaries. They're effected by anyone and everything. That is a severe codependent. A true empath can empathize with a person but they're not effected. That would be healthy empathy, but we've created this new term, but really it's hiding
co-dependence of empath. Well, what you're really
describing as a severe codependent who has no internal boundaries
and is completely affected by everyone and everything. And see, this as the false
empowerment that they use. Well, it's because I'm
so kind, and I'm so nice. Now, I'm not saying they're
not kind to not nice, but they're not in reality
that this kindness and niceness is actually severe co-dependence, and a lack, and inability
to care for themselves, and properly care for somebody else. They're too affected, and they're not in reality
that this is dysfunctional. Now, on the over empowered, they don't see themselves
clearly, but they think they do. They think they're always right, always empowered that
they don't need help, that they don't do anything wrong, that there's nothing wrong with them. Their childhood was perfectly fine. None of it. Like, they'll say, no,
my childhood was great. Is they literally tell a
story of an alcoholic mother and all these different things like, yeah, no, it doesn't affect me. So they're completely out of reality of, and that they're shut down or defensive, and how they are invulnerable
and anti-dependent, they'll see those as signs of strength, and if you want to share
feelings, you're weak. They're completely detached from reality. Both are stuck unaware of how hurtful and abusive their childhoods were, and how hurtful and abusive their own treatment of
themselves and others is abusive. They're out of reality and out of touch, yet both think they are, and they think they know who they are. Those are common
characteristics of both sides. Finally, the last characteristics
that they share in common is an inability to express
that reality moderately. They both live in extremes
and in chaos, all right? On the under empowered side,
they get over-involved. That's an inability to
navigate the reality. They will take care of everybody
else, tell them what to do. They will sacrifice any of their needs to take care of somebody else first. They will distort their
view of helping others. And so they can't express their thoughts and feeling moderately. That's the other aspect. They will puke all over you, there'll be hyper emotional about things. They can't moderate themselves
when they express themselves. And so, they can't
operate within this place. Now, we all have moments
where we spike emotionally, but they live in this place. Now, on the polar opposite
extreme, the over empowered, they're completely detached,
uninvolved, emotionless, nothing gets to them,
they can break up and, six 10 year marriage relationship
and, ah, I'm over it. That's an inability to be
in touch and connect with, and express their reality. They can't share that they were hurt because they're so detached from the hurt. They were so detached in the relationship. Now, this is what's fascinating is... And this is why I believe, Pia Mellody is the, at least to me, she's the only person who's broken it out into these two different subtypes. Pretty much in my experience, there might be others that
I'm just not aware of. I mean, there's tons of great
people out there that... I haven't seen everybody's stuff, but whenever I go look, I just
see this long laundry list. And many of these over empowered things are part of that list. But I find by doing that,
it really confuses things. Because you know how we talk
about opposites attracts, and we wonder why this cold person, and we'd say they're not codependent. And that's what's fascinating. That's the brilliant work of Pia. Like, she points out that
typical arrogant, grandiose, and vulnerable, anti-dependent,
perfectionist, overachiever, the typical CEO, athlete, all these people that have
achieved high success, we as a society, branded
that as a healthy adult. That is a severe codependent,
massively codependent, and that's why I think it's so valuable. Because, people that are codependent feel themselves as less
than the typical model. And so when you jump it all together, the view of a codependent is always just this
week, spineless person, who's a people pleaser
and gives themselves away, and that's not true. While that is the under empowered side, the over empowered side is the
side we celebrate in society, and go, aren't they great. Look how strong and powerful
and confident they are, when in fact, they are none of that. It is a wall, a barrier to intimacy. They are hurting just as much as this. And do you see, this is why
it's all abusive parenting, and it's all less than
nurturing parenting, because both sides are in dysfunction. This side can't attach because they try to overly attach. This side can't attach because there's so avoidant of attachment. And so you wonder why the
divorce rate is over 50%, you wonder why you get
in these relationships and none of it makes sense, and that's why I think it's so valuable. That's why I'm such a
proponent of Pia Mellody stuff, is I think her stuff is brilliant, and really develops the cause and the understanding of co-dependence which can really help you,
especially that under empowered. You're sitting there feeling less than because you're not this
grandiose, arrogant, antidepressant, needless,
and wantless overachiever, perfectionist that the
world says is great. You're always comparing yourself to that, and this opens up the door to,
oh, my god, we're the same. We're actually the same. We just live our perfect imperfections in polar opposite ways. Oh, thank, god I'm not bad. Now the benefit for this side is for them to get into
reality, because from this side, there's no love, there's no connection. You wonder why the
athlete, the politician, the actor, actress, the successful person who conquers and beat comes
the CEO and everything, and then has all these drug issues, in their life collapses, divorces, serious dysfunction in all
of these overachievers. Well, do you see there's
no remedy for them, because nobody points it out. That the reason they're struggling is, they have severe co-dependence issues. And that's heartbreaking. We're leaving out a
whole half of the society that's stuck in this pain by lumping them all in
one, instead of going, no, we're all the same. We just express it in polar opposite view or in polar opposite ways at the extremes, and many people bounce more in here. They will move from the over
empowered and underpowered. That's me, I do both. Look at my videos. My god, sometimes, like when I put down other
authors and speakers or writers, or people on these topics. Like, well, I just did it. In my celebrating Pia, I inadvertently put down other people. Well, that's grandiosity. I'm right, I have the best
information than anybody else. Well, that's massive co-dependence. I'm trying to overvalue myself 'cause I think so little of myself. I struggled with all this stuff too. And then on the other side, you'll see sometimes I sign
off a show and I'm like, well, if you want to, if you'd like to share,
very mousy, very... Well, I don't know if I have enough words for you to like what I do. Like, I'm caught in all this stuff too. None of us are immune. We're all battling it, and I bounce. Sometimes I know this, as a child and young adult,
even middle-aged adult, I was primarily in this under
empowered less than position. As I gained self-esteem, and
this is part of recovery, I have swung to this grandiose arrogant. I've got the best information of anybody. I know more than anybody. You have to listen to my stuff, and if you're not doing this,
like I say this all the time, sometimes not in videos, but
I'll say it to people I know, man, if you don't get
to this deeper stuff, you're not dealing with the real stuff. Their stuff is so superficial. Like, that is massive
shame, low self-esteem. And I see it, and I go, yeah,
but I don't want to let it go, because I felt so under empowered. And that's part of the recovery journey. Is we'll start out as one
or the other polarity, and as we start to recover, we'll swing way over to the other side. Well, I've been kind of stuck in this over empowered grandiose, I'm better than anybody side. It's something I'm really
working on of trying to, okay, get back to moderation. I've had periods in my life
where I'm in that healthy, mature moderation. But right now I'm kind
of swung out over here, and that's okay. I'm perfectly imperfect. Man, I've been through hell in my life. How could I not swing from side to side? That's why I always say,
it's a journey, enjoy it. Why would we want this stuff to end? Look at how much joy
it brings to our life. Figuring things out, getting
better out of our pain, and our dysfunction is our freedom, and it's our joy when
we make peace with it and we're willing to own it and face it. So, this is the side that gets left off. And I'm going to continue to try and work on how I communicate that
in less of a grandiose, I'm better than anybody,
I know more than anybody, my way is the best way, their ways isn't. I'm going to continue to work on it. But as you watch my videos and see stuff, you'll see it's there, both sides. I'm bouncing between, and I'm always trying to work on finding that healthy, mature middle, because I went through,
just like all of us, severely abusive and less
than nurturing parenting. That doesn't mean I didn't also go through
incredibly nurturing, loving, wonderful moments as a child. My parents, I adore them. They're perfect imperfections,
both the good and the bad. That's healthy, that's
moderate, that's reality. Like for instance, Christmas, the way my parents did Christmas... I mean, I want to throw this in because I talk so negatively all the time. It seems like all I'm ever doing is blaming and embarrassing. But as kids, listen to this, we would go to bed with nothing, no decorations, no
presence, no tree, nothing. We'd all go to bed, and my parents and
grandparents, aunts, uncles would stay up all night. They bring in the tree,
lights everywhere, stockings, and with four kids, it
was present everywhere. We walk out into this
Norman Rockwell magic. Colors, lights, beautiful paper, train sets running through
the presence, bikes. It was pure magic. Literally, my younger
brother and I would wake up about 15 minutes after
they finally finished and went to bed. And my parents, with
a smile on their face, no anger, nothing, would wake up excited, and we'd open presents
as the sun's coming up, and, man, it was the one day of the year, my dad would come out
unshaven, in his pajamas. He wasn't this detached,
over empowered, codependent, he got to moderation. He'd sit on the floor and play with us. It was the one time of year I
got to spend with my father, nurturing, loving, completely attuned, paying attention to me. See, our parents do that all the time. All I'm asking when I
talk about this stuff, is let's get into reality. We have those special moments, but we also have the imperfect moments, and we don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water in either direction, we have to get to moderation. We don't have to. See, there's my grandiosity
saying you have to do something, and my arrogance. What I'm open to and advocating
for, is people consider, See, that's much more
boundaried and healthy, that we consider that
both sides can co-exist, and both are equally okay, all right? Our parents imperfections and
their wonderful perfections. We can have them them at the same time, and we don't have to give
up our love for them, okay? So, (coughs) let me get
into that falsely empowered, specifically, because I think the separation
will really help you, especially the under empowered. You won't feel so bad about
your perfect imperfections, 'cause you'll see. 'Cause we, again, as Pia points out, we celebrate the arrogant, grandiose, and vulnerable, anti-dependent,
perfectionist, walled off, controlling person in society. We see them. That's the sign of a well-adjusted adult, when, in fact, it's severe dysfunction, and it is the exact
same codependent dynamic operating in the polar opposite way of the typical codependent
that we think about. And there's so much here. And look, I have memory problems. You always see me looking down, because of my trauma, my memory goes. So I have to work off of these things. So, one of my many perfect imperfections. So, I'll just share it with you. It get me out of my grandiosity
and just be vulnerable of, look, this is what I have to do to be able to communicate this stuff. So, let's get back to it. Enough about me. We seek other esteem through
our career in social status. This is the primary way. Like you look, especially here in America, it's all about achieve, achieve,
achieve, achieve, achieve. Well, the most successful
are the most broken. What's driving them is
a incredible shame core of feeling less than, and yet it's being
expressed as better than, and that's the grandiosity,
that's the achievement side. They're looking all of that. When people do that, they're
looking for what's called other or outside esteem. Their value is derived by
whether they have the career, whether they have the
social status, the likes, and friends on Facebook and
Instagram, and all of that. All of that is severe co-dependence being expressed in the
over empowered aspect. They're looking for validation
outside of themselves, just like the under empowered is trying to seek it
by taking care of you. They value themselves
because they're so nice and so caring like the empath does that, that's dysfunction and
lack of self-esteem. But the other side of
it, of achieving so much, is feeling the exact same thing, but they're doing it in the
polar opposite way, all right? Another characteristic is they will rarely know
what they're feeling. You know this experience,
you go, what's going on? What do you feel? Ah, nothing. I'm fine. They're completely blank, detached. They literally don't feel, and they can't communicate their feelings. They will also minimize
or deny their feelings, and see feelings as weakness. Well, think about this over empowered, you know those types This is why... What are you doing crying? Or, the typical... And this is what's sad, we're
teaching women to do this. The typical male CEO in the boardroom, ah, I don't bring feelings into it. Well, that's just a lack of understanding of how the brain and body works. Every thought we get starts with a perception, with a feeling. So we're always feeling. Our thoughts and actions are always derived from our feelings. And we're turning women into this. We're asking women to
shut down who they are, their inherent gift. So both sides, this over
empowered side on the female side, is really exploding. It, it didn't use to be this way. When Pia wrote the book,
it was always classified as women were this under empowered and men were the over empowered,
that's completely changed. I'm actually seeing a reverse, in the younger generation, especially. The millennials in that, the
women are over empowered, the men are the under empowered. It's completely shifted. In our attempt to bring equality, the feminist movement has
created this false dynamic that's hurting both sides. And for the falsely empowered,
they also use isolation or anger or humor to hide their feelings. It's a great wall to pull back. They lack empathy and interest
in other people's feelings. If you're that under empowered and you're married to that over empowered, that's usually the connection. That's usually what draws them together, and that's all based on childhood trauma. See, the over empowered was suffocated emotionally as a child. That's why they're so detached, and that's why they're
seeking outside esteem. They can't be vulnerable, because the emotional life was sucked out of them as a child, and so that's why they're so
detached from their feelings. To actually attach, would
feel like the death of them because that's what
happened in their childhood. They lost their emotional soul. It was stripped from them in childhood by their parent, one or both parents. And that's why they've
created this arrogant grandiose distancing stance, okay? They won't ask or accept, help. You know those type,
they get sick, and like, no, leave me alone. Or they won't even mention that something happened in their life, because to mention it
would create connection. Well, that's the reliving
of the suffocation and damage in childhood. They hide and mask, completely mask, or even detached from
their emotional pain. They're not even aware
of it, they'll deny it, they won't even admit to it, and most times they're
not even aware of it. That was part of one of my
struggles, physical pain. I remember I used to have
a construction company, and I'd come in, and I'd
have blood all over me, and my ex-wife would
go, what just happened? And my immediate reaction
was to get angry. What?
What? Like I thought I was being attacked. That was my wall. That was that side of my over empowerment. And I was always cutting
myself, dropping things on me. Like, literally, I'd have
huge gashes in my legs, 'cause I cut things, lay the
board across my leg, cut it. The saw wouldn't get it, but something splinters and things. I'd be bleeding, I'd to have stuff, like blood coming down my
hands, I wouldn't feel it. Wouldn't even notice it. Was completely detached
from physical pain. That's how far out on this side of the spectrum I was, physically. See, that's the other thing, is this can be broken down into physical, emotional, intellectual. So, we can be emotionally
on the under empowered, but physically on the over empowered. See with her, emotionally,
I was under empowered, but physically I've always
been over empowered. I have a massive pain tolerance. Well, that's an inability to
attach to my physical pain. That goes back to a family member who would beat the heck out of me. I've learned to sustain and
detach from that feeling to survive what I went
through, okay? (clears throat) On this side, the over empowered, they labeled judge and
criticize others persistently. Well, watch my videos, I do a lot of that. I'm always taking that grandiose position. And even though I look back
at videos, and I'm like, I can see that I'm trying to be moderate, but I'm still picking words and phrases that are very over empowered and arrogant, and critical, and judgy. I'm still stuck in that, okay? And so that means I
feel superior to others, which actually means the opposite. I feel so inferior, like, and see what all of that
comes from is my father. I just couldn't get my dad to
hear and accept my reality. I can show him... Like I was a pro golfer and my
dad and I would go play golf, and we'd sit and watch golf swings, and he'd mentioned something, and I'd go, uprose golf swing, and he goes, oh, this happened. I would say, well, actually,
no, dad, this is what happened. He wouldn't even listen to me. My dad was an average golfer. My dad didn't know anything
about the golf swing. Well, not anything. See, there's a grandiose statement, all or nothing, black and white. See, it's all over the place in my life. Like this is a great video for you to see how dysfunctional I am. But his level of knowledge of
the golf swing was about this. Well, I had made it a career, yet he couldn't hear my reality. And so the reason I get so
grandiose and feel superior is, you the audience or these other
people that talk about it, I have put my father's face on it. I want to prove that I know about this. That's because I feel
so insecure and small that I need outside
approval, validation that, see I know something, dad. So when I'm doing all of
that what's happening is, I'm a child. I'm literally four, six, eight years old. Acting out of that, what's
called the adapted wounded child. That's what all of us, when we're adults, and we're doing all these
codependent behaviors, we are 30, 40, 60-year
old adapted wounded child. We are actually six years old. So when you see me being
perfectly imperfect, and I'm swinging from
one side of the other in my co-dependence, what
you're seeing is different ages where I was either abandoned, or ridiculed, and the under empowered, or I learned to wall off and get grandiose to try and be seen and
heard, okay? (coughs) Another aspect is, they
will be indifferent, or authoritative, or use raged control. That was my father. As soon as I would start to
point out an imperfection or a different way to look at anything, boom, the rage would pop. This is a very common on this side. They will rarely admit their mistake, and they need to be right all the time. That was my father, all right? And you know, like
those CEOs and all that, part of their gift is that,
they're so headstrong, but it always has a detrimental effect. This is key. They try and control and
shape others' thoughts, feelings, and actions. You've been through that. If you're the under empowered, you know being in a relationship, this is the narcissistic aspect of where they just have to be right. And so, a lot of narcissism has this over empowered
codependent aspect to it. This is the seduction that they use. They use sex, money, intellect,
charm, being very charming. I do that. Gifts to manipulate, control
and have power over a person. Well, think about it. I've used this, my intellect
about these topics. I used to always be very
sexual and my pursuits. I would really use charm
and flirt, things like that. That was the over empowered side because I felt so inadequate underneath. And I still struggle. I struggle with all this stuff. So it never ends, all right? They also avoid emotional,
physical, intellectual, and sexual intimacy to
keep controlling distance. You know how they're too busy working, they're too busy taking care of the kids, they're too busy with their hobbies, but we celebrate it, as
well they're independent. They're strong and powerful. We're teaching women this, and that's what men did
for decades, for centuries. And now we're teaching that, having that power and control
is actually self-empowerment. It's not, it's avoidance. What I realized is, it
took me years of studying before ever made the connection that, I would start the relationship
as the over empowered, and as soon as she made the commitment, I would drop to the under empowered, and want her to take care of me. It's always been my dynamic and something I'm constantly trying to
have to work on, okay? They use illness or addiction to avoid a real intimacy and connection. This is key. I see this all the time. People will go, what? I didn't get sick on purpose. Yes we did. The science is overwhelming. There's only three diseases that if you're born with it, you get it, every other illness and disease is brought on by the environment, which is really our emotional condition. And so, like, I had a
client recently cancel, well, what that client is going through is something emotional, and they're trying to avoid it. They keep putting off the appointment. They're not ready to deal with it. And so they keep making themselves sick. Now, people don't think
they make themselves sick, that's because we have
a lack of understanding. But what I've talked about this before, Western medicine is only giving us 50% of what we really should know. They completely ignore. And we've shown this
through study after study, decades of research, proof, that you cannot separate the body and the emotions from illness and disease. Like it is proof. It's not a question, but they
refuse to even address it, because they're all over
empowered, codependent. They'd have to admit they're wrong. That's why they choose to be a doctor, is they're seeking false empowerment. That's why they're after it, okay? And so to admit, wait a minute, there's new information that's
been proven scientifically, oh, my god, I'd have to
face my false empowerment. That would require
intimacy, vulnerability, admitting I'm wrong, all of these things. That's why we're not getting
the best medical attention. That's why all these diseases are spiking. All these things are happening because the emotional condition of people is getting worse and worse, and we still refuse to
give people the information about how this goes. I hope I said that
kindly and not grandiose. It felt that way, but who knows? I'll figure it out eventually. The other aspect of this is they will deny their childhood trauma, and see their childhood is perfect. And this is key. On, the over empowered side, there'll be resistant to,
or will rarely seek help. That's that grandiose position
of, they have to be right, and so they won't allow
new information in. If somebody was on this side, they've already turned this video off. They would have never stayed through all this because
it was too confrontive. They see themselves, oh,
no, I ain't going there. Don't let me hear any of that. If they're way out on that extreme, they would never listen to my stuff, they would hate me, they will discount me, they will throw it all
out just like my father. Remember, healthy adults can
take information from all sides and navigate their reality and their emotional reaction to it. Those who pop to an extreme, that's dysfunction, that's co-dependence, either the under empowered
and the over empowered. The biggest stumbling block
for both of these dynamics, is they're denied. Both are not reality of the
damage of their childhood, and therefore they can't see
or admit who they really are, but both think they know who they are. They're really convinced to that. I struggled with that. I think all I've got,
I know so much of this, I got it all figured out. And I have to keep reminding myself, Kenny, you can't see yourself. You're too close to it. That's why I'm always
working with somebody and getting a reality check, trying to keep myself from the extremes, keep moving to the middle,
keep getting real awareness, and real acceptance of how imperfect I am, because the extremes are
lack of love for ourselves. They're lack of compassion, they're both lack of self-esteem. And so, when we get to the extremes, we're abandoning ourselves. And so, that's why I'm
so open and transparent about my imperfections. I have to be. I've talked about this before, shame. You put these imperfections
in the dark and they explode. We have to bring them out into reality, we have to own and accept them, and be comfortable with them. And so that's why I do it. And also, because of Pia. Pia talks about that. Any coach or therapist, if you aren't able to openly
communicate about your pain and your current and past struggles, your clients' ability to recover
will be severely limited, severely. That top-down approach is
this grandiose, I'm above you. I'm perfect. I don't share any of my stuff. That no intimacy can happen from that. And coaching and therapy and counseling requires intimacy and connection. Now, there's a boundary,
there's a healthy boundary, but our clients, whichever
way you go about this, as therapist or as a coach,
they need that connection. They need that transparency. And so that's why I share. Some people on my videos have
called that unprofessional, and it may be to them,
that's their reality. But I have a different reality in a different life experience,
and have seen those coaches and therapists that can do
that effectively and correctly, their clients just take off. That's what it requires from all of us. So, there you go. I hope that helps you really separate out the two polarities and
sides of co-dependence. You can see that we're
all struggling with this, we all are perfectly
imperfect and need help. If you think this will
help somebody in your life, especially on that over empowered side, if they'll listen to
it, they probably won't. But, if you think it will
help somebody, please share, please leave your comments
as to if this helped you, and if you liked the
content, please subscribe. And as I always say,
just enjoy the journey.
