STOP the narcissist from HOOVERING you

I guess you don't believe in growing as a person or I thought you believed in forgiveness I guess you aren't that good person you said you were or looks like you don't even believe giving a person a chance to even talk with them after all we've been through you've changed so let's then start with this idea of hoovering in case you don't know a Hoover is actually slang for a vacuum cleaner in different parts of the world so to Hoover is to vacuum just to give you that back back story so have you ever been in a narcissistic relationship and finally find the gumption to send them packing to just sort of end the relationship or maybe you're in a narcissistic relationship and they discarded you perhaps it's a family relationship and you finally had the big Showdown with your narcissistic parent or your narcissistic adult child and you finally lay down the law and perhaps you even go no contact this can even happen with a narcissistic friend if you have done that then you know what can often happen they try to suck you back in like a vacuum cleaner and that is where the term hoovering comes from hoovering is a term used to describe how a narcissist may try to suck you back into a relationship whether or not you left them or they left you it works in part because they use the techniques they already have in their wheelhouse things like charm Charisma confidence or alternately they will use their own sense of victimization and how hard their life is to play upon your guilt or they do both but by the time hoovering happens they also have some definite advantages in terms of sucking you back in after you being and experiencing the utter confusion of a narcissistic relationship good days bad days gaslighting lies and guilt many people want to believe that the narcissist has finally come around has really finally made the changes it can be very powerful to believe that your words got through to the narcissist so let's say that you are in a relationship with a narcissist that got uglier and uglier and finally you decided I'm out and you even go no contact as part of that entire deterioration of your relationship you kept telling the thing you kept telling the narcissists the things that they're doing wrong the things that you need and you explained and you defended and you did all the things I tell you not to do and not surprisingly they didn't listen to a word you said so you had it and you decide I'm out of here I'm leaving I'm going no contact but you put an end to the relationship because you actually finally thought that they won't change good for you but then one day they come back with the words you desperately wanted to hear they say you were right I didn't treat you well Angels could not sing more beautiful words you wanted to hear those words for months or even years and here it is the smart part of you knows to doubt it but after that time away from the narcissist and after a little time under your wheels and you get that euphoric recall and you come back and you even might be feeling a little bit confident you may even want to believe them because you forget all the bad stuff and that's when the hoovering begins in this form of hoovering and something I call love bomb hoovering The Narcissist sucks you back in like they did in the first place they tell you what you want to hear and this time they know exactly what you want to hear because it was exactly the reason you left you did tell them you did show them but the same old red flags are there however now you're feeling a little smug like now you're finally Enough by the way you were always enough but now in their eyes you're enough and you're worthy of being heard by them you may now start love bomb phase two with them or phase three or phase four and they're going to start all the usual love bombing stuff they did the first time maybe a work uh maybe a vacation maybe make up sex you almost feel like you're dating again but the red flags are still there and before you can say Gaslight boom you are back in it with the same old invalidating patterns except that this time you feel more foolish but there are also other forms of hoovering there's also something that I term guilt hoovering despite how badly narcissists treat you part of the reason that many people stay in these relationships so long is because it's because of guilt they'll say things like oh I guess he did kind of try and she was going through a lot and she was going through a tough time and he did take me on vacation and she's really a secure she I'm sorry she's really insecure and she doesn't really mean the things she says and gosh we had so much fun going to the movies the vulnerable and covert narcissist is able to weaponize their sense of victimization and play upon that guilt of yours so even when you have hit your wall with them and you finally leave they will play on that guilt letting you know that it was so difficult for them since you left that they cannot find someone like you that they don't always know that they they know that they always don't get it right but they were always so grateful when you would give them a second chance and you almost feel like a little mini martyr like oh I guess I did I guess I am a good person I gave them a second chance guilt hoovering can Prey Upon Your need to be a rescuer your need to be a nice person or even again that personal martyr complex you may have inherited from your family of origin empaths in particular are very vulnerable to the guilt hoovering Dynamic it may have been literally a superhuman effort for you to pull yourself out of that relationship and after you did you were plagued by guilt so when the covert or even the overt narcissist tries to pull you back in he or she can masterfully play upon your guilt and before you know it you are right back in it listening to their angry Sullen resentful and victimized rants it's obviously not as slick as love bombing when a narcissist pulls you back in with guilt hoovering but as a hoovering strategy it works like a charm again especially for people who tend to be very empathic hoovering can be particularly intense if they find out you had been dating someone else narcissists do not like the idea that someone could replace them they have no problem replacing you by the way but if they hear about you dating someone else the hoovering may come fast and furious in fact many people have told me that they found it somewhat validating or exciting when the narcissist heavily Hoovers them after they learned that you're dating someone else it plays into some unhealthy need to have people kind of have a duel over you like the olden days but sadly if you fall for it you're going to slide right back into the toxic pattern with the narcissist and you even have to ask yourself was I dating that new person to kind of Hoover back to get hoovered back by my narcissist hoovering works for a few reasons the first reason is Hope I have said it a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand more narcissistic relationships are often kept in place by hope the hope that it will get better the hope that the idea that it'll get better can really be a fantasy that keeps these relationships going hoovering plays on that hope because the person is now doing many of the things you wanted them to do during the hoovering phase they might actually pay attention for a little while they might listen they might even try to correct some of their past errors it is more seductive than a seduction but the second reason that hoovering works is fear another reason that people stay in narcissistic relations probably in fact the biggest is fear fear keeps people in these narcissistic relationships because people are afraid of being alone they are afraid of the unfamiliar they are afraid of trying to make it on their own they're afraid of the guilt they will feel if they leave and hoovering can play on all of that fear after a break from The Narcissist even when your life starts feeling better and even when your life starts feeling better and you start feeling better and you feel relieved and you feel more free there are still those old fears maybe you try to date and you're finding that it's hard to meet new people maybe you're having trouble making ends meet maybe you're just lonely and feel like even a mean person to watch TV with is still a person to watch TV with so when they start to Hoover those fears of being alone can really get delayed now you're not as afraid of that and you want to Hope that their intentions are good that darn hope is Raising its head again and then your fear of being alone can just evaporate if you go with the hoovering this relates again back to that third reason of guilt that some narcissist can be just pathetic enough and victimized as we said talked about before and the fear of feeling guilty means that the hoovering works because then not only do you get to try again in a relationship but more importantly now you don't need to deal with that icky guilty feeling which is very uncomfortable for many people to feel guilty a fourth reason that hoovering works is that you still heal that you still hear the old stories in your head the rationalizations that you made for their behavior the importance of selling everyone on your whole happy family scenario if this is someone you're married to or the family you came from the image that you wanted to put to the world whatever it is those narratives and Second Chances were powerful enough to often keep you in the relationship for longer than you should have so it's not surprising that even when you got tough and you got out that there is enough of that stuff hanging out there to make you vulnerable to hoovering the concept of hoovering makes a lot of sense in romantic relationships right because uh you break up they try to suck you back in it doesn't always feel like it makes as much sense in other narcissistic relationships like workplace or family relationship but that absolutely does and for those of you in those kinds of narcissistic relationships family or work you've probably already seen it let's say you put up a boundary with a toxic or narcissistic parent you know that there are many ways that that parent may try to draw you back in a family event a family illness discussions around probate or other Financial or legal matters a concern about a more beloved family member like a grandmother or an aunt family hoovering is actually very powerful and it may not just be apparent it may be a sibling who tries to Hoover you back the tough part of families and parents is that as time goes on the relationships have new needs and for many people it can get very hard to keep their boundaries when for example an older parent gets sick or when there is a major family event you want to attend and will you know need to be present at that because you care about the other people involved for people from narcissistic families the grief of missing out on a healthy family system can take a lifelong toll and the childlike hope and dream of having loving and normal parents can be a very powerful tool so if a parent Hoovers you back in it can be very compelling it can also be possible that this happens when there's a real family crisis such as an illness or a death at that time you obviously can be involved with your family as you need but you can also maintain your boundaries you may recognize that your mother will never change but you may need to interact with her to ensure that your other parents or a grandparent or someone else in the family gets adequate medical care you can keep your boundaries and still be able to circumvent the hoovering process and of course when it comes to family hoovering families are masterful at using guilt-based hoovering they may play upon Survivor guilt oh so now you're too good to spend time with us or just good old-fashioned guilt how can you abandon your family what kind of person does that or you have time and money now you have more of that than any of us it sure is sad that you don't share it with all of us the people who sacrifice so much for you anyone from a narcissistic family system knows the lengths to which narcissistic parents and extended family will go to pull you back in and how hard it can be to resist it especially if it plays on your existing guilt but just as with all hoovering with family hoovering once they suck you back in not surprisingly they go back they go right back to their old patterns and this can often be more devastating than even traditional close relationship hoovering because it plays on lifelong guilt lifelong passive aggressive patterns you've observed in your family may become even more complex if the family system was not just characterized by narcissism but also other forms of trauma and abuse the child part of you always gave your parents a second chance and that part of you may be at Play Again here so it can be quite devastating to get pulled back in and have it all go back to the way that it always was you may literally experience that childlike sense of grief and loss and helplessness and powerlessness that nothing you can do will make it better so that begs the question why do narcissists Hoover well there's multiple reasons is noted above narcissists don't like being rejected and if you do set boundaries or you leave them or you go no contact they not only don't like the rejection they hate the idea that they didn't win so hoovering can be part of their need to win and feel confident that they can get you back many times if they're hoovering actually works they're relieved that they won and then they'll pretty quickly discard you it's all about the win not that they want to keep you around they want to just think that they can suck you back in and another reason that they Hoover is control control and being controlling are key Dynamics in narcissism and narcissistic abuse again just like their need to always win they also don't like losing control and if you are stepping away from the relationship or leaving or frankly even when they leave you the idea that they can no longer control you does not work for them so hoovering not only serves the role of sucking you back in so they can control you but to feel the sense of control of Simply being able to suck you back in hoovering also feeds that entire addictive Dynamic of narcissistic relationships it's a part of all of them if you are a Survivor or a victim of one of these relationships then you know that your sense of being addicted to The Narcissist makes you vulnerable to the hoovering and the entire Dynamic of hoovering but for the narcissist their addiction to the cycle of highs and lows in the relationship absolutely feeds their addiction cycle in this relationship too narcissists actually do not do well in relationships that are stable and steady and free of drama the approach and the avoidance and the ups and the Downs are are kind of almost a draw for them and often it's sadly the only thing that keeps them engaged the drama kind of keeps them hooked in and narcissists also Hoover when they are running out of narcissistic Supply it may simply be that other people don't want to put up with their BS and so if you were a steady and consistent source of supply for them in the past they may come sniffing around again hoovering is very much a part of the cycle of the narcissistic relationship and and frankly of almost all abusive relationships the way it sort of plays out is tension abuse honeymoon the honeymoon period is the hoovering and also plays on the almost addictive cycle of these relationships the high you get from the ups and downs the hoovering is the part that comes after the Downs so it's very very seductive and very compelling but the fact is these Cycles are not healthy and as seductive as hoovering can be in some cases it is also very unhealthy you know unless I forget I also want to say a few words about workplace hoovering because it does happen it's a bit more of a rare Dynamic but it may be that you work in a place where you actually recognize that your value isn't being recognized you start to realize other people make more they have different responsibilities or better responsibilities or just better and so one day you say I'm out of here but it may very well be as often happens in narcissistic workplaces or with narcissistic bosses they may need you but they never admit to that but if you do step away you may have an interesting experience where they try to Hoover you back in they may offer you more money or the responsibilities or perks that you wanted but what ends up happening is you may get those things but then you'll go back to being treated the same way just making a few more bucks an hour you really have to ask yourself if that's worth it and because the narcissistic boss or supervisor or leader is a narcissist in other areas of their lives they also hate that idea of not being in control for example narcissistic bosses don't do well with having employees that work from home they need to control them they need to monitor them so if you're looking for that kind of workplace setup and it's sort of the standard for your particular kind of industry that that can be done it's the narcissistic bosses that often will not allow that they may try to Hoover you in and say sure you can do that but within a few weeks and months may use techniques like guilt and shame to pull you back into the workplace so please put aside the fantasies and pay attention to this Dynamic of hoovering because if you don't understand it you can easily get caught in a cycle that feels impossible to break and Trust me you do not want to get sucked back in and today we're going to talk about the many different faces of hoovering hoovering is something we often view as almost like an afterthought but it's actually a really profoundly important part of understanding narcissistic relationships and just as an aside would love to just keep reminding you that I do have a new podcast uh called navigating narcissism you can get more information by going to the video notes and you can listen to it and subscribe anywhere you listen to your podcasts but let's talk about hoovering uh hoovering right again it's that relapse that moment of relapse and the healing process of narcissistic abuse and frankly it's a very human response to fall back in a hope to work it through a fantasy that somehow it can be different an attempt to get it right or a moment of weakness so let's break down the six maybe even seven faces of hoovering number one the my life is awful without you I was wrong Hoover it could also be called the fantasy Hoover it's what all of us ever wanted to hear when we were in these relationships I was bad you were good I don't deserve you but I want to devote my life to loving you and making you happy that's what we want to hear we wanted to hear them say I'm miserable without you I cry I'm sad I can't stop thinking about you right that's the fantasy that they would miss us that much hearing that especially if it is early enough in your healing process is dangerous actually I am sure their life is awful without you in it but they don't actually mean it in that good way but they are going to make your life awful again if you let them back in and when they say their life is awful without you they don't mean it the way you want it to mean in losing you they lost Supply they lost a punching bag they lost a source of Regulation that's what they mean do you really want that role again number two is the please help me things are so dire in my life Hoover if they really can't get to you you really block them you don't respond they double down they'll say strange things like people are after me or I'm not safe or I feel like I could hurt myself they might ask for money I just need a little money because I'm in a tough spots and things since things ended you're not Emergency Services nor are you Social Services if they're in danger then tell them to call 9-1-1 or call it for them if you're actually concerned about their welfare narcissists do this because they know it works they know you have empathy you know you once cared about this person you may still and frankly you don't want to live with the regret of it all you're nice so you want to help and in the blink of an eye by reaching out and offering to help you may be back in the mess and on the Chain financially with time or with mental energy if you truly believe someone's at harm it's not your responsibility you should really call Emergency Services number three the I have changed Hoover no they haven't so if those are the grounds on which you are taking them back it's a false assumption the amount of change necessary could never have been enacted in a brief period of time they may tout having gone to therapy life coaching taking Ayahuasca a trip to the moon whatever it's easy for them to say they've changed all probabilities against it having happened in a meaningful way and especially if you're still struggling with your trauma bonds this is a risky letting them back in right and then you're going to have to waste time in that entire cycle again and having to get out again number four is the the you think you are healed and can manage them this time Hoover you may be but they haven't changed so let's say you are stronger and now you're much more understanding of trauma bonds and narcissism and all the rest what does that look like was the sex really that good is anyone that attractive is it really worth taking them back your being stronger is great and sure you can radically accept to the ends of the Earth but getting out was not easy healing was not easy so when they come rolling around and your rationale is that I can handle it this time I won't go deep I will radically accept Okay but then ask yourself is that really a relationship the number five kind of Hoover is that you are happy and I'm going to mess it up Hoover this Hoover kind this kind of hoovering is so big that it actually is its own video that's going to come out very soon it might even come out tomorrow they are allergic to your happiness in fact I would argue they are disgusted by your happiness so they're going to come for it they see your social media posts they may talk to your friends they know you're happy listen to that video that's about to come out because this is a bigger topic but it's real number six is the self Hoover if you aren't ready to let them go it's easy for you to go sniffing around to look at their social media to set up your schedule in a way that oops here we are running into each other at the gym at the same time or to send some texts to them yourself or heaven forbid that you drunk text them the trauma bonding means that these relationships are extremely confusing and at times of loneliness or euphoric recall it is easy to reach back out try not to do this it often won't work but if your timing is unfortunate it might and they'll start looping back into your life or you may get caught into a one night or a one weekend hookup that leaves you feeling even worse this is also tough because people may feel a sense of Shame after doing this and it makes the self-blame worse if this relationship you already got out of ends up having an act two or an act three or an act four hoovering is simply a part of the trauma bonded cycle that can make these relationships feel like an eternal recurrence keep it in mind because getting sucked back in is not only not good for you it takes all of those Cycles around self-blame and makes them far far worse so imagine that you are or were maybe you don't have to imagine it but imagine you're in a narcissistic relationship that has broken up or you're taking a break but it's ended at least for the foreseeable future and let's imagine it's broken up because of their bad behavior and then as it often does at some point a Hoover will begin so you may be living your life maybe even starting to enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to deal with them for a minute there may have been some angry texts and messages from them for a while they're dysregulated it's what they do maybe they're angry that they are no longer in control this may be more pronounced if you ended it but even if they did they just don't like having their supply be responsive they're not thinking about you as a person they're thinking about you as Supply then one day you might say those angry texts the tone sort of changes and they're sort of sending you a touch base text how you doing what are you up to they may even send you a picture that you don't want I don't even mean a sexual one it just might even be a picture of a place or even themselves they may say hey I saw someone someone that you both know you may or may not respond of course my hope is you don't but you have to make a decision on what feels best you don't respond then they may strike just like a cobra and they might start to say hey why don't we talk want to chat can we clear the air and especially if it was one of those more toxic breakups or one where you might have felt really unsettled by what happened in the relationship or they betrayed you then you may think wait what you may stay silent you may even say no thank you well you might even say something angry like are you out of your mind whatever you say it's your right to do what you will and then what happens William if this has happened to you that you've started having this Hoover experience where they're trying to reaching out hey do you want to get together you want to talk it out I'd be curious to see what has happened to you my guess is more often than not they will shame you they might things like oh I guess you don't believe in growing as a person or I thought you believed in forgiveness I guess you aren't that good person you said you were or looks like you don't even believe giving a person a chance to even talk with them after all we've been through you've changed or so much for you having all that empathy why they'll text you what after all this time you don't even want closure yeah that would be sort of really precious that they're lecturing you on empathy when their Hoover fails when they feel like they're trying to reach out in a peaceful way to you you have to be prepared for shaming because it is their Gambit and especially if you are staying quiet and not engaging well they don't like that they would rather get into a nasty and angry back and forth with you than have you go silent and if you give a simple and clear response like no thank you to their booby-trapped Olive Branch with thorns then you are painted as a monument to incivility and callousness now obviously this is gaslighting on one level the things they are saying to you are not only not nice they're not true and it's also a bait because at some level they're trying to get a rise out of you they want the response it may be that they want you to give in and meet up with them maybe they just maybe they want to start up again just to betray you again or leave you again maybe they want to just have control of the narrative or maybe they want to start it again so they can just end it on their terms whatever it is any Hoovers with their agenda in mind with little regard with how this contact or this attempt to reconnect will impact you what gets interesting is if other starts other people start to shame you too saying things like oh come on you guys were together for a while what harm could a conversation be or I bet if you forgive them you'll feel so much better I'm thinking not so sure about that or some someone will say sometimes we have to be better or go higher when they go low which is code for go talk to them deal with the Fallout and have to go through the whole damned cycle again falling for a Hoover is not going high it's self-sabotage so between their texts telling you that you are cold and unempathic and unwilling to get closure because you won't talk to them you desperately want closure but you should know you can't get it and others saying oh no go on meet with them what's the harm what's the harm Lots getting those trauma-bonded pullbacks doubting yourself again questioning the days the weeks the months of healing and practicing a boundary having that ruptured that's harmful to you being hoovered can be really challenging especially after a betrayal Laden breakup from a narcissistic person it can raise a confusing mess of Hope anger fear confusion and if it has been hard for you to not have contact but you pushed yourself and had the discipline to protect yourself and then this happens even if you don't respond you may stare at your phone for hours ruminating about their motivations and their intentions and all the rest of it that part is easy it's a game domination control but for folks who are still struggling it can be harder then you throw in there that accusations those accusations about things that are not true about you it's messy and it feels awful the hard work after a narcissistic breakup is you getting to know you getting more clear on who you are doing the work of individuation and not having your moods and feelings and life be dictated by the whims of an unempathic and egocentric other that's the work and when these Hoovers pop up and you are shamed and blamed it can make this work harder but please keep persisting if you can resist it can get you to the other side and in most cases after their hoovery text you don't respond they get bored and they simply move on to new Supply give it a shot and thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 216,404

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Id: B5laAyrWsnQ

Length: 34min 19sec (2059 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 22 2023