The power of AUTHENTICITY (the word of the year)

hey everyone it's Dr romeny I'm kind of obsessed with words of the year and do you know what the word of the Year according to Mariam Webster is for 2023 authenticity so that's a bit of a flip they chose gaslighting in 2022 and now it's authenticity which may be interesting because it can give us an opportunity to sort of explore this idea of authenticity which can be a really tricky and thorny issue when we're thinking about what happens in narcissistic relationships now authenticity is like gaslighting most people are using the word incorrectly but when it's used correctly it's actually a really great word a wonderful concept and is actually the pathway to Healing at the most basic level authenticity is about truth and consistency for example would you fly to another city get a hotel wait in line buy a ticket to see a a poster of a van go painting or a basat painting what your eyes see the same whether you're seeing the real picture or not right it's a perfect reproduction of the image if it's a poster but you wouldn't take the time and effort to see a poster would you but you may very well if this stuff matters to you make a big effort and tell people about seeing the real thing why because we consider it authentic because I found this word choice interesting because in actuality authenticity the sense of an authentic person I actually think is the opposite of narcissism you know I love the research kernis and Goldman wrote a paper about authenticity in 2006 which I really really like and they break authenticity down into its components and they even came up with a test or a scale to measure it they believe that authenticity is comprised of different things first they say it involves awareness so an authentic person if you're authentic you know how you feel you know what motivates you it's about knowing yourself right that sits alongside flexibility we don't get caught up in the I am this I am that I am this one thing or or this is the only thing I stand for but we recognize that we can Flex with situations the person who may be the most delightful Storyteller in a small group of people at a party may also be very willing to embrace the introverted evening at home authentic people can flex and they're aware the second part of authenticity they talk about is something they call unbiased processing which is a fancy way of saying that a person is being neither defensive or grandiose when we integrate and process information about ourselves if someone says Hey Romney this wasn't your best work if we're authentic we can say and take a minute and say yeah you're right instead of how dare you it's knowing that there are parts of us that we may not even like about ourselves for example if we're very stubborn we may not like that about ourselves but we're aware that they are there and we don't beat ourselves up over it but it's also about being able to get a little distance and being objective about what we're about in essence being objective about our subjectivity okay that's a little bit of a mind twist the third piece of this is our behavior and it really comes back to that consistency part of authenticity that our Behavior is in line with our values so instead of just doing stuff to please or win over other people or just to get external Rewards or just so we won't get in trouble authentic people will behave in line with who they are and what they are about and not being performative and the behavior part might be the hardest part of authenticity the last part is something they call relational orientation and that's basically that we bring our true selves to our relationships feels like a risk right and in those relationships we behave in an honest and balanced and self-reflective manner in a manner that is sort of mutual we do we hold that for the other person and the authentic person always strives for balance and mutuality in their relationship so taken together and in their model an authentic person is someone who feels connected to their emotions and feelings even when they're feeling comfortable it's about knowing who you are knowing your motivations your strengths your weaknesses your willingness to speak your truth even when it's uncomfortable but to do so respectfully and you don't just go along to fit in if you're on social media you would portray the actual reality of your life or more likely you just don't post that much and in your relationships you let people know that you are there for them really there for them and actually are there for them when they need you you see those around you clearly as well and you don't idealize them you are aware of what those around you need and what they are about to you don't fake it till you make it you show up as yourself you stick with your values even if that means being criticized even if it sometimes might even mean things like less money you have constructive arguments you don't give in you don't capitulate you don't you behave in line with your value youth you're very aware of what matters to you you can hear criticism with an open mind and integrate it non-defensively people can count on you because you're consistent you're honest with other people that's sweet right so you might be wondering well then what does an inauthentic person look like what's that one article interestingly that I'd read interestingly said that inauthentic people have unrealistic perceptions of reality looking to others for approval and validation being judgmental not thinking things through not learning from mistakes and being unable to express emotions clearly or understand their motivations that that definition comes from Psychology today so just sit with what I just said what an inauthentic person is what does that sound like to you I know what it sounds like to me and it sounds like good old narcissism what is also so confusing is that so many narcissistic folks think of themselves as authentic I mean look at the world of Wellness folks out there who claim lives of kale and six-hour meditation sessions because they're so authentic but they're in fact a brand let me take make this very clear to you as soon as somebody says that authenticity is their brand they stop being authentic it's the whole idea of authenticity is that are not they're just like I'm showing up as me I guess I suppose if that sells something then that's a little bit of irony right but lots of communal narcissistic folks have jumped on this authenticity bandwagon a sort of be like me and again according to what we know about authenticity that's not how it works so what's so sad is that authenticity is a very heavy lift to achieve if you raised by a narcissistic parent or parents only because that part of you that true self part of your you was simply not allowed to flourish you had to be what someone else wanted you to be to survive and even in an adult narcissistic relationship you may have even started somewhat authentically but with time your authenticity suffered because for the relationship to last you had to lose your authenticity authenticity simply doesn't work in a narciss istic relationship if you show up as your authentic self it is a threat and it will be shut down so your sense of comfort in yourself your sense of centeredness and your authenticity simply wouldn't work however authenticity is also an antidote if you will a vaccination in these relationships because we really could if we could really Build It Up Foster it live in it I don't think we actually could be in a narcissistic relationship from the jump we'd show up as our true selves and once that was denied mocked shamed or rejected which it would be we'd recognize that we wouldn't be able to achieve the mutual unshared space of a healthy relationship and subsequently pull back if we were a truly authentic person and we were in the presence of a narcissistic person it's like Kryptonite it almost sort of turns their grandiose defenses to Mush and then they would scream at us a bit and they would go away but to be authentic in a narcissistic relationship is also so scary because when you show up as that true self who speaks Your Truth they will Gaslight and shame and humiliate and threaten I mean you'd have to be effing gandal for some other wizard to just stand in that power but in fact authenticity isn't about power unless you want to view it as a power of Simply being comfortable in who you are a difficult part of authenticity is that to be authentic means that we often lose people because when we're authentic we're no longer performative and if we aren't jumping through hoops or don't bend to the will of others sometimes we lose people doesn't necessarily mean they're narcissistic but we may lose them we're not doing that dance anymore and that can make the authenticity thing really complicated and forget social media it's basically where authenticity goes to die to be in that space as who we really are especially if it's not getting clicks or views or likes people who are authentic probably may not even be on it or have a very small footprint or perhaps only a professional one and may not be drawn into the scrolling and social comparison to be authentic honestly from a psychological point of view is to feel comfortable in yourself and it can be undercut authenticity can be undercut by so many things narcissistic relationships gaslighting trauma anxiety The World At Large but anybody any human being in the world can strive for it authenticity isn't a destination it's a constantly evolving phenomenon within us it's a constant 100 time a day calibration within ourselves I have met some people in my life who have lived in this zone of authenticity some of them had even been through narcissistic relationships didn't stop stop them from being authentic if anything it only showed their sort of their flexibility and resilience but these authentic people tended to have smaller Social Circles that were very healthy and complimentary they were clear on who they were and they were also very clear of the harms that had happened to them they didn't try to sugarcoat it so when a word becomes the word of the year whether it's gaslighting or its authenticity and remember if you if you don't know this a few years ago in 2019 the word of the year was toxic all of this opens up a big kettle of fish authenticity in fact and we see in the definition is indeed the opposite of narcissism but it's not as simple as whether it's a real Chanel purse an authentic one or a knockoff or if it's the chef who really says he cares authentically about farm to table but really wants to make a fast Buck because that's the thing that's in Vogue and ends up screwing over the farmers once he makes the buck that's one way to view authenticity do your words line up to your actions is the thing real but authenticity really to me is a shrink is about the truth of who we are and touching into that dozens of times per day it's to see it as a process as something we strive for in our interactions in our work in how we go through the world it's about hearing the good and the bad about ourselves and not allowing it to Define us but being curious about it and if you can even get close to this process and really attempt to participate in it with yourself of authenticity frankly I believe it's one of the greatest narcissist resistance tools in the world and it's also a bit of a catch22 the narcissistic relationships are what styed this process of authenticity for us and yet the Quest for authenticity is ultimately the one thing that can really protect us but I have seen it happen and in some ways it's a psychological Hail Mary pass if you survived a person for years who told you the sky was purple and your reality doesn't exist and endured having your identity shaved away piece by piece if you could do that what do you have to lose you may lose some of the toxic and judgmental folks from your life if you really lean into authenticity I still think that's a win for survivors of narcissistic abuse it can feel like hubris to think about your authentic it you may be told that you're selfish to want this that you're full of yourself but really ultimately it's the only way not only to be out but to stay out authenticity is a good word and it's a great concept but just like gaslighting make sure you get it because if you do it really represents the essential process and flow of healing hope you get their essential healing tool so that's it so word of the year so maybe that's the we're all going to be on thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 48,965

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Id: fzMqQ6EbbjM

Length: 14min 1sec (841 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 12 2023