𝐇𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐒 - A very good (bad) 90s film

[Music] what are you doing you sad little man thought you could keep me out but you have a lot of nerve showing your face here this is my room in my hacker den you must wonder know how I gained access now so easily okay well I'm glad you asked it was all but trivial your passwords are weak and your brain is smooth if only you had used - lame the best password manager did all this for an ad read I don't know maybe that's something to do with you not share your fucking netflix logon is your brain in 240p yeah yes plays we aren't using dashlane now autofills your address and passwords and credit cards it's just so you don't got it it's easy look at this look how easily I hacked into your toontown account you were using - Lane you could have just generated something unspeakable to mortal men go even has a VPN even looking at how like clones but what if it gets hacked and someone like infamous hacker noodles see my wiki feed login you've questioned me you are now on my list also - Lane storage is decentralized encrypted and protected we're almost done I've been using it myself for like a year it is real good and real free for the first thing you put it on you have no excuse now you can get 50% off premium if you so desire by going to - link comm slash noodle and if you want no pressure advertisement over today we are taking a gander at a movie called hackers a cult classic apparently you know I saw this VHS in a goodwill before the rapture I thought to myself wow this is a bad first impression obviously I was wrong this is perhaps the best film there is I mean after all this is Angelina Jolie's first breakout role movie can't be bad if she's in it right can't be bad if she is in it also Penn Jillette and Shaggy you are not in a coma this is real the thing that convinced me to watch this movie that this isn't a joke is it was the marketing I fell in love immediately you thought your secrets were safe yesterday I also really liked how the witness came out nobody knew who these people were so the box art and the posters pretty fair pretty balanced between the actors soon as jolie takes off she's in the movie she's a star Jonny Lee Miller not important don't know who that is wonder how Johnny feels about that cheated relieved you know whatever let's get going who's gonna be a journey the first handful of shots of this film are all presented in a whopping 12 frames per second nothing like a good first impression huh the defendant Dave Murphy who calls himself zero cool [Music] and his real name is Dade SiC username dude straight to the point what are you cool also you put a zero in front of it his computer virus crashed 1,507 oh it's a child so baby explains the username so yeah because a little date here single-handedly he tanks the stock market his family was charged a hundred thousand dollars in today money and he is now legally prohibited from playing the game boy fast forward some 10 ish years days 18 now play all of my sweetie watts he's real excited as I promised on the inside anyway he he dupes a security dude into giving him access to the router and Jack's in so called American Indians Latinos and blacks come from a genetically mediocre stock [Music] hate this trope dude you see it everywhere turn on TV dude comes on tells you what minorities are inferior boring yeah yeah yeah why would you put this in the movie who's responsible was your goal to like illustrate the day's a good person by not hating minorities I don't know I feel like this makes second normal human anyway D man proceeds to swap out the boomer for another show inadvertently catching the attention of another hacker who just so happens to bust it into the same network [Music] [Applause] you know it's one thing for a movie to be dated that's you know whatever it's quite another for said movie to use the wouldn't steal a car' font how is this real no wait no I wasn't gonna be then dead crash Oh crash overwrite data if I didn't know better I think you were a Hot Wheels protagonist you cannot call yourself crash override no so date is blown away by the notion that somebody besides himself could also use a computer and so the two compete for control over the TV network it's very interesting because we're showing public domain footage of people fighting mess with the best date loses shit on me [Laughter] morning well yes he could be playing with himself yes I'll ask date you like girls don't you you haven't been doing anything stupid right day right day right mom and I'm still a virgin oh you're so grody mom no I'm not gay and also I haven't had sex that burn was apparently so ill that had sent his mom into a paragraph of exposition I'm sorry we had to move in your senior year I didn't want to sell a stained glass in our home that's symbolic this is checkout that framing what does pink mean it means mom after that jarring transition we cut two dates first day in senior high school gave you transfer for us it's a relatively straightforward question oh my god it's a girl I guess he's never interacted with a female before gnarly process what's in front of them is your class my class you mean I'm not in your class no you're not in my class swinging a Miss hey at least he's trying a little bit yeah there's an Olympic sized swimming pool up on the roof yeah oh I so bamboozled oh now it's raining dude now he's mad he hacks into the school profile of the female catching the attention of a dude who enjoys skeleton porn leopard-skin Lenny introduces himself is Eleni also known as the friend some freak and if I'd stayed to a hacker hangout very true to life you're a hacker like me you already know this is what it looks like yeah and what do you know female herself is here Gaiman wait she's here at a hacker plate you know I'm calling it right now this bitch is acid burn is gonna be a part later where Dave finds out he's gonna be like your acid burn Wall Street be right [Music] that's a nice score for a girl that didn't look scripted I think Dave might improvise the line there look at Angie she doesn't know what to say to that that's genuine think you can do better I'll give it a shot also yeah this is how you flirt with a girl by the way trust me I'm kind of an authority on a catchin couch this house done yeah you're yeah I'm pretty good for someone with a pussy I said - despite your gender you appear competent sex please [Music] [Music] [Music] he's good well it looks like I'm on top yes probably what I'd do too then in a desperate attempt from the writers to make any of these characters seem like they have a brain they all recite poetry of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most Ozzy Osbourne oh my got no thanks don't don't want hit that no well this isn't woodshop class [Applause] [Music] Matthew Lillard Zack ting is so bizarre in this movie like III get he's playing the Jar Jar Binks character but his line deliveries so awkward over the top 1984 you ready there that's a typo Orwell's here now he's living large we have no names man no names we are nameless it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her I did not yeah oh man wouldn't you just love get one of those Gibson's baby sweared I like it I don't know man the gang trades around eunuchs booklets like their pot off the black market and we cut to the scene of a rookie a car calling himself master of disaster I got into some mega company I love that movie is depict hacking like it's just insane thrill through 3d neural networks and shit with RGB backlighting when when in reality it looks more like yes that's right inside the trash bin of Business Corp is the secret to eternal youth or at least the quadratic formula make a copy of that shit consequently the security team at this very real server room notices a breach in the system I pen and springs into action never fear I is here so let's break that down our primary antagonist who by the way insists upon being referred to as the play rolls on to work on a skateboard surrounded by red ambient rim lighting kicks it up states depend on ever fear eyes here and then immediately tosses the skateboard away right that is what happened okay cool yeah I just wanted to be sure he tonight can I see that real quick all right thanks mr. disaster smokes a funny weed his mom turns off his computer and that's that cup to the following morning oh yeah yeah yeah come back later Christ you fucking door something see ya dude gets swatted by The Secret Service for breaking into in stealing trash data from a privately owned company that has nothing to do on something it's the railing I see we're still dressing in the dark Eugene once again don't call me Eugene oh yeah this guy turns IV is a head of cyber security at a big oil company and somebody used a weak password meticulously pointed out the four most used passwords are love sex secret and God excuse me sorry is that right is that true you don't think a password one two three we can beat a little higher up there look I know we're talking about the 1995 film hackers but I don't think I can let that go yeah I think I see the problem hacker uploaded a video file of himself in The DaVinci post with some fucking reason making threats in a scary voice should probably delete that won't see it anymore the virus is threatening to capsize a bunch of expensive boats the little boat flipped over thing is the virus was actually made by the plague it's a cover-up to hide all these shady stuff but you've created a virus that's gonna cause a worldwide ecological disaster just to arrest some kid basically yeah oh my fucking god all this bullying without a warrant because the plague wants to talk to Dade he or perhaps his accomplice has a disk that mr. Belford needs to disable that virus we want you to help us find it Gil also I guess we're just gonna brush pass a fact that Eugene head of IT is higher in the chain of command than the chief officer of the Secret Service also loser hey our big computer as a virus narc on your friend even though you have literally no reason and I'm not offering you anything yeah no try to stay out of trouble okay blow me thank you Wow sick sick response dude he really got him this movie is just full of sick burns got sick people people like zero cool and the plague and serial killer okay Angela aren't you married have a good question okay alright I have a couple more questions wow that was something the movies never brings it up again as far as I can tell it serves literally no purpose but a party at Kate's house gang's all here you know we should do guys let's sneak into Kate's room without our permission and geek out over her laptop that's smart yo check this out guy this is insanely great it's got a 28-point a bps modem display active matrix man a million psychedelic colors I want it damn dude you tell me that thing's got a twenty eight point eight bit per second modem that's only more than a hundred times slower than technology that was widely available to the public in 1994 dude God it speeds like that you could you could like download the average JPEG in an hour maybe can you believe that and then Kate begins to fornicate with someone and they all just watch was that her top first what is she doing in here relax Byrne he's my guest burn your acid burn come on man I didn't want to be right I'm crash override you're the moron that's been invading my turf crash and burn after this date invites himself onto Kate's laptop without asking what the hell are you doing that's cool I'm just looking hey come on chill out I'm just checking your browser history I hope you don't screw like your time these guys have chemistry like a third grade science project and despite this they decide to challenge one another to a heck of literally the only goal is to harass and torment the head of cybersecurity the pranks if you can even call them that range from closing his credit cards and issuing a warrant for his arrest all the way up to creating a transphobic dating website under his name links to his work phone leading people to call him about waterworks and toes what my cable characters these are laughs as they commit real felonies then Eugene sends date a sick-ass laptop preloaded with a death threat governments and corporations need people like you and me we are the keyboard cowboys yeah what's going on are the cattle ooh and my pet who I love very much is a dog things happen disaster manages to hand off the floppy to burn and her in cereal head over to crash his place to convince him to commit more crimes do my ears deceive me but zero is a fucking narc and refuses to help instead copying the floppy and immediately after this plague calls him up and threatens to arrest his mom your mom will be arrested at work life bio functions it's all very sad we're playing sad music now this is your cue it's time to sad date cares his mom so much he decides to give back the floppy [Music] and with this the second act of our film comes to a close defeated Dayton mopes over to the hackers zone where he decides that now is the time to figure out why any of these people should care about the virus you know that means [Music] it isn't a virus it's a worm it nibbles the worm eats a few cents from each transaction from million dollar deals to the ten bucks at some die pays for gas and then Dade confesses to everyone that he is zero cool they believe him without question and think he's amazing and then everyone together decides to expose the plague let's go shopping fuck so how do we bust this thing open answer by breaking so many laws vandalism trespassing surveillance and government communication please arrest Wars for secrecy dumpster-diving impersonation indecent exposure literal fucking attempted murder later on a train we learned that the virus and the crime that commits are about to get pinned on our crew I like that we learned this information after committing a couple felonies like they were gonna do that anyway for you me this is a one-way ticket to life behind bars films Thursday date and Angie go to meet razor and boy there's some stupid words send out a major distress signal hackers of the world unite and decide to band together as an army of gamers but for causing several high-speed car crashes for fun bribes in Grand Central Station and mixer laptops to pay phones and begins uploading malware to the big company in 2020 that sentence sounds insane but back in the day you could actually do that kind of the viruses soon begin to do their magic forcing everyone in the business to look at lame screen savers a rabbit is in the administration system send a flu shot rabbit flu shot someone talked to me a rabbit replicates till it overloads a file than it spreads like cancer cancer cancer tell me computer got kids I believe that makes no sense I'd be monkey with club for food oh that makes sense and we get another hacking montage we just saved only by the music which is honestly pretty good they find the file copied a floppy somehow put down the virus and all the low-poly wireframe models of tankers unhypnotize fucking of course you would what were you expecting everything is beginning to come to a close now things are looking pretty bleak for our cringeworthy couple here mr. secret service is delivering a speech about how they won to the TV when suddenly the broadcast is hijacked by my Lala boys and girls least favorite character he broadcasts to jeans banking details tells everyone it's his fault that's it free to go tampering with street lights endangering helpless pedestrians it's alright spearheading a worldwide DDoS attack on a privately owned business don't worry about it literally almost fucking killing somebody with a flare gun fine whatever after a brief cutaway of our villains being arrested we get to see crash and burn post-date [Laughter] psychopath what are you doing cuz it's not flirting I know that much you're pretty good you're elite [Music] isn't this romantic [Applause] [Music] romance oh I get it pull on the roof just like they said before we've come full-circle happy ending everyone I fucking hate this movie I think I like this movie I can't tell if it's ironic at this point it's it's like the same way I feel about the direct-to-video 2004 film Bionicle two legends of metru nui or Eurobeat it's not good but I don't know I like it anyway in short it's the most excruciating ly 90s media I have ever seen in my life Goodwin drunk I don't know how to end this video [Music]

Channel: Noodle

Views: 1,439,853

Rating: 4.9729018 out of 5

Keywords: hackers, hacker, noodle, 1995, animation, animations, pen teller, matthew lillard, jontron, elves, kamillions, good bad movie, 90s, 80s, the room, tommy wiseau, YMS, yourmoviesucks, IHE, ihateeverythi

Id: i-HXbkoEaDE

Length: 25min 33sec (1533 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 05 2020