SPIES - Terrible Writing Advice

The Video is Sponsored by Skillshare. All according to plan! Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a spy protagonist! This opening will now self destruct in 5 seconds. Mission accepted! Diving down into the dark and labyrinthine world of high stakes espionage can be perilous even for the skilled writer. Do you expect me to talk about cheesy villains who don’t kill the hero when they should? No, audience member, I expect you… to watch my video! First we need to establish what kind of spy story we are telling before we get down into the details to flesh out out our master spy protagonist. There are two kinds of spy stories. The first is the dark and gritty and realistic, but mostly dark and gritty, espionage drama. These are easy to tell apart because every character is miserable and probably an alcoholic. Endless misery is realistic after all. The other kind, and the one that I will focus on first, is the action thriller. You know the one with bizarrely themed minions, out of place bikini scenes, and gun fights on jet skis. Power fantasy ahoy! Now that first thing to consider is the gender of our spy protagonist. Ha. Trick question. No girl spies allowed! Except as sidekicks who need to be rescued or the odd femme fatale. Nope. Our master spy is a suave gentlemen who excretes enough class to sink several hidden volcano fortresses. He is a daring man’s man and ladies man who is very manly and a maverick! Only he can get things done even if he has to break the rules which he is already breaking because most espionage is illegal. Now that we have the basics, what super important character skills will we give our spy? The most important quality of any spy is their gadgets. Now giving our spy a few high tech gadgets can be a great way to add to a story and give it bit of cool factor which means that we should go overboard. He should use his technology like a crutch just like the writer is using it to stave off that pesky tension. We can’t let our protagonist actually sweat. That wouldn’t be classy. And if he doesn’t have his gadgets he might have to actually do real spy work and use social skills. I can’t write charismatic characters with social skills! I don’t have any social skills. That’s why I became a writer! I’ll just have all of the other characters talk about my protagonist secret agent’s incredible charisma. That’s the same has having charisma right? Now the other skill our spy will need is stealth and discretion. That’s why everyone already knows our ‘secret’ agent’s name and he is super famous in setting. I’m sure he will blend in seamlessly with his jet ski and sports car. Oh no! Our spy got caught somehow. How that did that happen? Now one of two things will happen. Either he will shoot his way out in a bloodless PG-13 massacre of minions or he will be captured so he could have a conversation with the villain. This confrontation with the villain should highlight just how different the two are. The villain will insist on their similarities which our protagonist will deny because they are totally different. I mean the villain is ugly and hasn’t killed a single person yet unlike our hero who should have his kill count at least in the double digits by act 2. Besides, our master spy may have broken several international treaties, inflicted massive property damage on foreign soil, and gambled away thousands of taxpayer dollars, but at least he doesn’t resort to torturing people! Then he will escape and capture one of the villain’s minions which he will torture for information. Um.. but it’s okay when he does it because he will be all internally conflicted about it for a few seconds... maybe. He must do this because torture always works. I mean why would the protagonist establish a dialog, use the interrogation scene to explore the humanity of the spy protagonist by allowing him to show empathy to the captured minion, showcase the protagonist’s mastery of real psychological techniques used in interrogations, and explore the psychological mechanisms evil organizations use to indoctrinate young men into their ranks to be used as sacrificial cannon fodder? We can’t do any of that because it would leave the audiences’ bottomless blood lust unsated. We must condition people to not show empathy and demand endless retribution and punishment. No mercy. He must protect his country at any cost no matter how monstrous he becomes! You know. Stuff that the good guys do. Wow. That got dark. When did this transition to a gritty spy drama? Writing a gritty spy protagonist is great because it requires even less thought put into it than the action thriller power fantasy version. See, a gritty spy protagonist lives a double and his life as a spy will make his other life completely miserable. This endless brooding over living a double life is essential as it makes our spy a borderline alcoholic as his marriage is mess and his children are estranged. Because a self destructive individual is the exact kind of person we want handling sensitive and classified information. If our spy is so miserable, then why is he a spy? Patriotism? Nope. That won’t wont sell overseas. A desire to make a difference? Just in it for the thrill? None of those. He is a spy because the plot says so. Now move on! Wow. This is depressing. Let’s go back to our action thriller spy. He doesn’t have to worry about having a family to go back to because he doesn’t have family at all. Wait. I thought this was the power fantasy version? Better add something upbeat here. I know. I’ll put my secret agent in a love triangle. No. Wait. That’s not right. Spy thrillers don’t have love triangles. They have love black holes; a massive vortex that devours love interests that are never seen again in any of the sequels. His sidekick agent? After the rescue romance she will never be seen again. The femme fatale? He will win her over and she will switch sides before dying tragically by the end. All love interests are to be treated like disposable props just like his gadgets. Our secret agent doesn’t need silly things like character development or an eye for detail. Cunning plans and quick thinking? Why would a spy need those? The protagonist of an espionage action thriller may be static and that means that it is a-okay to abandon all attempts at creativity and just mindlessly rip off James Bond all the way down to its more *Ahem* ‘dated’ elements. Authors of gritty realistic spy stories have it much easier as they can just hide their character’s awfulness behind a veil of faux moral ambiguity. Even better, let’s combine the two! Mindless power fantasy will go great with a post-9/11 ‘we must become as awful as our enemy’ mentality. The best kind of drama is cheap contrived drama especially if that drama is internal angsting over being a bad person. That’s why our secret agent should should just do what I do and come up with increasingly flimsy justifications! REPTOID: What do you want human? CONSPIRACY GUY: Reptoids, I’ve wanted to say this for a long time. Suck it! We’ve got a sponsor and you don’t. REPTOID: What? Why would anyone associate with a lowly group of warm-bloods like you? CONSPIRACY GUY: Because we are hip and with it now or whatever it is the kids say these days. Behold for this video is sponsored by Skillshar… Where is it? SIDEKICK: Um… we lost it. CONSPIRACY GUY: I’m going to put you on hold for moment. What do you mean we lost it? What did you do? Post something racist on twitter? Sidekick: Um no. We lost it in the ‘we don’t know where it is sense’ not the ‘angry internet mob scaring away advertisers’ sense. CONSPIRACY GUY: Good. Because having a social media presence kind of undermines the whole clandestine thing. SIDEKICK: Maybe it’s in the relic vault? CONSPIRACY GUY: Ugh. I don’t want to walk all the way down there. Video editor, transition us there will you? SIDEKICK: What does it look like? CONSPIRACY GUY: Look for Skillshare. You can’t miss it. It’s a huge online learning service with over 20,000 classes in design, writing, business, technology, and more. If you find it, we can use a premium membership to unlock unlimited access to high quality classes. SIDEKICK: Is this it? CONSPIRACY GUY: No. That’s the Spear of Destiny. Thought we pawned on eBay? SIDEKICK: What about this? CONSPIRACY GUY: No. That’s just a perpetual motion machine. We got like a hundred of those around here and they are going to stay here as long a we own stock in big oil. SIDEKICK: Wait. I found it! CONSPIRACY GUY: Close. That’s a Skillshare class on The Ultimate Guide to Text Animations in After Effects by Jake Bartlett. Oh. Here it is! The first 500 fans who go to skl.sh/twa 8 or check out the link in the description below can get 2 months of unlimited access for free. SIDEKICK: Just as planned? CONSPIRACY GUY: Of course. SIDEKICK: Then is getting our emailed hacked and having our sponsor stolen also part of the plan? CONSPIRACY GUY: What? Impossible! My login is Admin and my password is password1. Who could have possibly guessed that? SIDEKICK: Also, I didn’t know we had an alien portal to beyond the folds of time and space. MONSTER: Bleg! SIDEKICK: Or a horrible abomination from beyond the veil of human comprehension. *Horrible monster noises ensue*

Channel: Terrible Writing Advice

Views: 543,019

Rating: 4.9494691 out of 5

Keywords: Terrible Writing Advice, Not to guide, writing, Bad advice, How to, How not to, guide, comedy, sarcasm, Novel, Novel writing, Writing a book, book, J.P. Beaubien, J.P.Beaubien, Parody, Spoof, Terrible, JPBeaubien, JP Beaubien, spy movie cliches, writing a spy story, writing espionage, writing spies

Id: VlMJEASnXOU

Length: 9min 0sec (540 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 12 2019