Yannis Pappas & Andrew Schulz Make Matzo Ball Soup: Something's Burning

all right top five hot older tips you'd [ __ ] Loni first lady ever yeah put that down I heard Martha Washington's big tits probably my guests to the guys in the game doing it the best Joss Pappas Andrew Schultz I mean both of you guys you've made me laugh so hard this past week on [ __ ] Instagram thanks man you can hit a character so well thanks like that abide we hung out on the jugglers cruise and I did not see that side of you at all yeah like just disappearing in a character yeah yeah I have a mental illness so yeah if you go to Instagram and check it out yeah it's a certifiable mental illness yeah I wish I could do characters every time I try I can't even do an accent yeah did that country accent yes it oh yeah but that's something like yeah no I can't I can't do a Boston this past week in Europe about if you get schizophrenia subtle [Laughter] flexible joke was if you guys get the front do they do get it in your accent because it would be terrifying above other accents yeah you sort off take a dick out now I'm a gangster with matzo ball soup okay this is my [ __ ] meal I made this for my daughters all the [ __ ] time all right it is literally my go-to meal my daughter's get second they're like yo do you think you guys will ever have kids yeah he's cool I just got married yeah Instagram I saw the pictures yeah who's in your party at your father's nut holders Paul bearer's Wow yeah what's kind of the pallbearers for like my single in the morning I'm so tired like I wanted to but I got I got back into the hotel room and I was like I we were gonna go smoke a cigar I was like I mean you guys that says hey you never miss yeah I just sat down and I that's the last thing I remember it was like I was a lot of responsibility the most other shows pants yeah yeah the boat should you pay yeah yeah he special needs all of them definitely fun it was a black-tie event so my bad on that so no it's fine oh sure yeah I didn't wear a black tie I dressed up like Doug Stamper yeah oh did you really thank you you thought you were a detective in Miami so you shut up in like a baby we can learn Tesla's [ __ ] yeah what are you German I think so yeah Irish German Scottish my mom's born raising Skylar my dad's like a New York mutt he's been here forever yeah but anyway his brother [ __ ] his pants what happened boy shoes he got excited I think it was like girls just want to have fun Cyndi Lauper came on one of his babes yeah so he just say was early in the night I rented his tux for him obviously his pants we took him upstairs changed him into like shorts and a Florida Keys t-shirt and he just came back down like John Travolta at the end of Pulp Fiction didn't return the tux I just took the foreign dollar head did you guys hit a deer in one of the tuxes where they cut like a crater or like a little ball okay yeah it's all like that's called a geode let's go to geodon world's largest year we call those rocks when I was a kid I was into precious gems figurine horses and our only were speedos like I was my dad was like get him kneepads he'll be sucking dick Greek community no no just happened to be Greek yeah I mean my mother was born then my dad was born in Brooklyn so I'm like I'm not that I'm not great Greek not Greek really pretty green I'm pretty great your name is Greek er than yogurt yeah I'm spotless yeah Yanni's Papa's well yeah do you speak any Greek very little yeah which is like a crime if you're Greek like dude increases [ __ ] course bigger then I'm putting in [ __ ] please that's G well quarter cross staple of every black grandmother's kitchen how like I mean in a world where it's like kind of every looks everyone stand in their Lane you've ridden in like three different lanes I think when you just have like a strong opinion and you like honest about it people can understand it and I gravitate to it people rather you be honest and you [ __ ] them yeah I feel like I feel like that's the how I made my living is just not lying yeah just don't lie be authentic just be as authentic to yourself as you can and so when was the very David Wright he's just the experiment of being 100% authentic 100% of time did you guys want anything to drink at all water it's the first time I've ever seen a matzo ball being made from scratch oh we're making the balls yeah this is a making bowls what you do you vegetable oil and eggs and the matzo mix and then you put it in by the way my OCD about stuff so I do take do stuff like this you have to get it off the thing yeah and you put it the fridge you let it set and then you make them off the balls out of that and then you drop them in the fluid yeah you break up the chicken we're gonna make the fluid you dropped in the noodles do we don't have to worry you don't to worry about your hands being dirty or anything we're from New York like it's all good you can stick your finger in your ass and make the balls we wouldn't get sick so you eat right like there's rat piss on everything whatever so yeah yeah so then so then let's just a pause the ball in your mouth and then put it on we have strong immune system in the city what's the conversion rate on sex then what does that mean so like say you have sex with five girls and you grow up in Brooklyn yeah what is that - a person from Iowa's I've had having sex with 250 girls Oh easy is it to get laid in New York no no no no no like meaning like we're talking about like I was I was when I first got here if I had sex with a girl from Florida yeah and I knew that she had only had sex with a couple people but if I did sexually go from New York I was like going out I've had sex with probably 30 people oh so what's the conversion rate because the same girls here are [ __ ] that's what you're saying do you think it's one to one it depends with the girl in Miami that conversion rate raises I think a girls in Miami [ __ ] a lot I was the one I'm so lost in this no he's saying that girls here [ __ ] a lot that's what he's saying but know that you're not wrong especially in the summer because a lot of them they [ __ ] a lot but I figured they would [ __ ] up more boring places because there's less but there's a lot less people cuz everybody knows each other's a community and there's no morals like you your name that's fair yeah yeah no but girls here [ __ ] a lot and when they're younger they'll like they'll give head that they won't [ __ ] there's like weird weird little things yeah they're really like a stepping stone to it yeah but no for sure especially in summer like a lot of girls don't have AC so in summer they're really down to [ __ ] if you have AC a lot of girls don't have a see a lot of girls don't have AC they have like a fan would you go up in the no dude there's a lot of good because these things I mean mark said he met girls they don't have AC you feel a little bit come he want to come back to my place I don't know you bake I was just hanging I have a drinks me see somebody see like a little bit again their eyes [ __ ] light up 72 in July and then go into what was it was the was the it was a game I called in sick to work [Music] take something you know you have like a dog you're walking around you get like a lot of girls attention walk around with a nice thing of it just get it a see you in the box don't even have that you see in the box just have a brick or something in the box and just walking back I had to get some more BTUs BTUs these girls go crazy okay [Music] the village across the street from the cellar right me and my roommate Tai Rodriguez would buy brand new white shirts dunk them in water put them in the freezer and the middle of the night going and put on a frozen shirt and lay there we're just a minute to feel like people this period was coldly like okay I'm going back simple as that oh another thing is elevator if you had an elevator like some some people live on like a five-floor walk-up you know those people so often choke eating pizza on the way home drunk Oh first sure dude absolutely we're going up the stairs going up the stairs pizzas up stairs just gonna and then yeah it's it you got to be careful with that yeah you think you guys never moved to LA I you know what I try to like LA when I go I go with an open mind and then uh I just I really hate it why really yeah why it reminds me of like um like Long Island with better weather it's just like strip malls and it's just ugly yeah people aren't supposed to be there there's like no water there right so it's not no one should be it's a natural yeah I don't think so you are now do you I don't think people should be living on top of people yeah that's a weird thing that's [ __ ] up I think that does that enter cuz what are you own like I get depressed pennilyn around I like it I like knowing somebody's upstairs I get nervous like if I'm like if I'm in the country and then my neighbors like towels away I don't like that [ __ ] I'm with that too like I want to be able to scream I can't quit I can't I can't like put out the track like sometimes my friends will have like houses your vacate you want to put out the trash and I can't do it if it's a night I can do it during the day but at night it's something about walking back in if you ever take a hose shove it up your ass and then your acid and [ __ ] on your friend no no but I'm guilty of like being in like a hot tub and letting like the J sorry for interrupting this episode but I wanted to take one minute to thank Roman for sponsoring another episode of something's burning most guys have tried different ways to last longer I have tried all of them the Kegel technique the pinching the bottom pulling the balls down you name it I've tried it the folks at Roman a digital men's health clinic are changing the game with Roman swipes the secret to lasting longer during sex Roman swipes are a clinically proven way to last longer in bed they're effective easy to use and fast-acting but don't require a prescription Roman can ship swipes to 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I've lived a pretty [ __ ] up life and I think that people can connect with that and go oh yeah you see you know I used to like how you connect with people like you know we're now back to hanging out of you were telling the stories about what was going on inside you're the most natural form of being funny yeah that's like probably the most common question like a young comic asks they're like how do you how do you find you're funny how you find your voice and I think I always tell them pay attention to how you're funny around the people you're most comfortable with if it's your friends your family but like that's usually your voice yeah are you self-deprecating around them are you doing your story tell you're doing characters like what are you doing when you're around the people you don't feel any judgement yeah that's how you tap into it I think so I think that it's like remember I think heard Chris Rock one time say do your friends at home think you're funny like now they just say you do the same [ __ ] used to do because when I came here I wanted to be like a joke writer I want to be like like Mitch Hedberg yeah yeah I mean out there and artsy because I smoke pot a couple times and then the best joke I ever got out of that was what if Papa Smurf's middle name was boner Oh guys right pop a boner Smurf looks like you tried all these things and then you you arrived where you start it all mostly and arriving with you you arrive at who you were at the beginning did you ever look at like bits from when you first started just like ideas you don't get a paper no but sometimes you'll have a good idea you just didn't have the skills to make it funny oh [ __ ] I want to talk about yeah I had neither it was there was all it was just all bad really yeah nothing no it was bad yeah right I used to I used to I used to hit myself in the head with the microphone a lot yeah yeah there was a guy there's a guy named ambe's to make it like whatever it was this is a spoon or like you know it's basketball yeah I was bad there was a guy used to work at the Boston comedy club with me and his jokes on the wall King and people used to die laughing because when he did it very quickly his skin would raise up and he didn't know it and hey this job murdered every time he'd get read and you could see it raised up and he would do it he go King and the first one we're gonna laugh isn't gonna walk in there who's got the shovel King and then by the second one this one's raising up it was like he was murdering but he had like five dots on his head [ __ ] Boston or that's what it was when we were there what the Boston was called a commie village you changed names it was the same place and but yeah that's where I started me too yeah but you started what it was the comedy village comedy village yeah good easy Landers was running it at the time and I was barking I was asking people come in off the street can I tell you a secret yeah yeah so when I started and there's a long list of Barker's like Neal Brennan was a barker a lot of people but when I started I was only way to get sponsors if I worked the door $25 and they got to go after Godfrey before Godfrey bled the end of the night yeah yeah I did it for six months and I got a deal with Will Smith like a development deal like a six-figure development deal and I moved out to LA hey did you oh dude I came back and there were [ __ ] ten kids barking because you know how Comedy Works everyone's like that's the path yeah but very cat's played into that I don't know I get partners deals now bring back my shirts off I'm sweating I just got off stage he's like you're my inspiration can you tell me how to bark better so I can get a deal hey buddy he put his office like you barked and I tell you I'm sure it's gonna show up barking while I was I was [ __ ] I had money I didn't need to buy but he had me bring us stories great huh huh you're out there barking you got money did you guys know patrice he he's the goat to me he's he's what he's one of these wanted like three or four best I've seen alive yeah for me yeah Stanhope on a good show when he was like yeah when it's like together a little bit yeah I've never seen anything like that burr Patrice I saw Mike Epps murder at the Boston Comedy Club anyone anyone ever murdered in their [ __ ] life it was like I was blown the [ __ ] away Epps he can kill a man yeah he's a funny vehicle funny dude I used to party with him hard yeah I was like I'm gonna see you what's your name and I was like the guy that bought it top five hotel without a doubt even just last night the way he writes jokes is just so makes me giggle so hard I sent a picture of me watching a tell to my wife yeah and Patel burr first next special is gonna be [ __ ] the best special he's ever done gotcha um Stanhope can't Reese then I got it oh no I want to think of a sleeper throw a diverse voice in there [Laughter] all she did was they're ours like guys like clearly I don't have a dick to talk about far into it but apparently oh I don't think you should watch it it's interesting it's definitely a way to do comedy watch the first 30 and I got some jokes here but I topped out before he had a good joke that I still think of today every now and then I'll if you have a great joke I'll just it'll be stuck in my head yeah it was um I grew up in Tasmania growing up I had I knew more facts about unicorns and I did lesbians never last there's no such thing as unicorns people yeah I tell you I was I'm doing a tour in Australia in a couple weeks yeah and tell us all the countries you're going to well I'll go through my whole but I called my I call my manager like hey maybe we should get booked in Tasmania he's like why go I have a feeling from Hanigan so special they love my material [Laughter] you ever have like a litmus test if you're gonna do well like a comic you're like or if you're gonna bomb yeah like if Janeane Garofalo does well I'm gonna bomb I know for a fact if I see her killing I'm gonna eat my dick on stage yeah um I will see must what's my litmus test who's gonna do well it means you're gonna bomb you could probably use Hannah for a lot of people yeah I think yeah if you're looking forward to like agreeing all night yeah I'm definitely gonna bother what what is going do you think this is because I don't see it as much as in LA do you think this is more of a New York phenomenon the will exist in comedy the well cos I think you guys had a lot le worse we had it we had it before you guys Ellie's better now because the comics from the industry out there that's why it's good it's like I think everybody realized there's no more deals there's no more like sitcoms that are gonna work like nothing else is gonna happen so who has all the power the comics about the power like you know the podcast more important and being on you know The Tonight Show or something so everybody stopped writing bits for you know Fox they started writing bits the other comics would like and then the comedy got good yes entirely entirely for sure and it kind of took our power back as artists we were like well hey yeah we don't need you yeah we don't need any of this we just need but the reason podcasts are popping out there and in different ways because like you guys can't make a living on stand-up alone unless you're torn their comics in New York they make a living on spots what yeah yes many no they make a living on spots and then the problem with that is like too comfortable yeah it's like if you give somebody money and find out what they want you know I mean if you give somebody a little bit of money find out what they really wanted and there's a lot of guys who they got just enough to make a living and they stopped one anything else so they didn't like lean into their podcasts the way you guys did I remember I did a show to improv in LA once and they made me sign a w-2 to get pay seven dollars and 50 cents and I just keep this okay this is like okay no one's making a living out here oh that's why they kill it with the podcast that's why they're making their own shows make it okay you can't make money you can't make money living in LA doing stand back you gotta be on a road Rockets right podcast changed everything man I was soon as I looked at myself someone the other day soon as I looked at my podcast and saw I'm making more money for my podcast on my Travel Channel show the [ __ ] am i working on television for yeah and then you and then you're like and I love it and then I started looking at shows like this going this is the [ __ ] future is is if you find a way to mama we just have a conversation about this and I've been but I believe that it's what you're doing with your special it's just put out great content I said let them find it and then come pay to see me do stand-up yes advertising it's like the music yeah I haven't put an Instagram post up in years that didn't say Mordor no jobs here tickets right now Burt Burt Burt calm I mean I look at everything as an opportunity to market it I'm thinking about shooting straight up Travel Channel segments with the same production company oh and I used paying them the print rates they got paid and taking them on the road me starting put on my Instagram yeah dan Bilzerian style absolutely dan Bilzerian was a gangster which was rebel eyes revolutionising media the way he looked at it and was like oh I can do this yeah I don't need I just have the money yeah you know people like chicks yeah pops I'll get a few of them they'll be in people like guns I'll shoot guns with chicks yeah people like bears I'm gonna fight a bear in my front yard it's not that hard right that is the that is when you simplify it down like that you're like yo I'm gonna find a bear with a hot chick watching come on but all this [ __ ] is so simple it's like like I always bring when I'm talking like industry stuff like I bring you up about how and the reason I broke up my special is cuz I wanted to follow like the music model yeah everything I do I look at music and I go like who are the comics that are the biggest comics out right now they're all got hit singles dear to me like you got a hit single you're a superstar from that hit single and then they meet you and they're like oh I really enjoy this experience I will come back I will bring friends and then you go from Club to theater etc but that's no different than the music model you got a hit single and then you deliver a cool experience and then they're with you forever but you look at all these different guys that's the wave penetrate that's the way you get a fan but you get one it hits and then they they follow up and watch more right is that why I know the exact joke the changed things for me I dropped it on Super Bowl Sunday it was about the food right yeah joke about like you know the countries that treat women worse got the best food I know this joke I watched everything it was it was a it was just that it was like we act like gender and equality so bad but it's like you know there's some good food Super Bowl Sunday and it just started to like trend and I was like oh [ __ ] him on something and they found one and they just found all the rest and I've been putting out bits for a while and and that was it and then that's all it takes is just one to really resonate and then they find the other stuff they [ __ ] with you yeah that's exactly what music model ywír comics come to like stuck to this our thing it's so stupid yeah okay even though Jerry Seinfeld he was like he's like he's like it's not it's not a comedy thing unless it's an hour why why cuz TV used to be blocked in hours yeah that's all it was probably sell commercials before I did this special cuz I didn't know that I didn't know if Netflix was gonna buy it or not and you you're forced cuz there's I mean there really is only one buyer in comedy right now yeah yeah that matters because I did my Showtime special I did my Showtime special no one watched it like yeah not to the point like I was didn't do well no I think in part the Showtime was a little accurate so like I think if your shirts off they're gonna turn the channel and take because people have that option of going like a TV clicker is almost like Cesar like yeah it gives you a power of like just it like [ __ ] that guy yeah who the [ __ ] does he think on my TV [ __ ] that guy but on on the internet it's different because people are like click what's that what's that anyways why is this guy's shirt off that was a number one thing yeah and so they clicked on it and they were like huh and then like oh this is a good story Oh interesting and so I had to think of ways to release this special I was like I have the material I don't and then so I shot it in Denver I shot the whole thing in Denver and I clipped it out and I was like okay I can release I have these many bits I can release throughout the year and then I was like I can do half a year I can release it like every two weeks always a new bit yeah and those like Arden that I got to shoot my next special I was like wait that actually works for me like cuz can I give you a pitch for your next batch mom please you're only wearing this shirt [Laughter] we got a do not even special we just got to do a night of you with the shirt a satirical doc like we just go around doing spots wearing tune with the shirt and like you got a fake uncomfortable shirt you know if I'm gonna shirt I forgot my phone this is good so you know how they say like just imagine the audience naked right and we got a big just imagine you got your shirt off like just imagine you're naked you know you're trying your hardest to do it do this could be fun the short one showing it are your wheels are always turning I wanted to do the into the pro marketing for my special I wanted to do the intro to March idea please you sell shirts that are your body painted on to the show you take a bath for about forty thousand dollars so much money shirts because clearly there aren't than just a t-shirt company so they took my big sir blew it up my nipples are over here something's burning with Bert Kreischer right it's a [ __ ] one of those things that women wear burkha apron you wear an apron but it's your body that is a great [ __ ] idea don't ya show pays for it and that's how they make money off this [ __ ] show Farley and then you sell them shits oh I've had so many [ __ ] I wanted to when I wanted to promote my special I wanted to recreate the in throats and then that and like they opening the door the dogs are being right you call your next special man that jumps up make a cup of tea and I turn around oh my name is Bert Kreischer and after the special I'll be quitting comedy for good unless it performs well the bigger babies yeah [ __ ] so she lied she's supposed to she said she was quitting great [ __ ] gig we have you honest was saying this the other day he was like what were we saying about that we just talked to each other for a living yeah yeah look at what we're doing right now I mean he was even when that's what made me laugh before he was like he was thinking of his bit you saying the clips he had online he's like my daughter stuck the finger in the ass of the dog and put in her mouth I'm like we're 40 year old guys he's telling me what his job was he's like I had this story I told about my daughter stuck a finger the dog's ass we're not normal to suck her finger in her ass sorry yeah I'll let ya do the best is when something bad happens in your life and you just immediately go well that's a bit like we're constantly like stealing like it's like we got to keep it a secret like hey look we're free hey we gotta constantly tell like pretend like we're we wouldn't you know I think whatever you do do this if you wouldn't pass but it's like we would totally [ __ ] do this cuz we could've seen you guys just want to hang out in the kitchen with Bert and [ __ ] odd pretend to make matzo yes cuz like are we making it a prett I thought it's called it's an apron this Marcus when you do like artwork in high school in grade school yeah a smock yes when you put your dad's shirt on yeah I don't think some I don't even think anyone said the word smock in like 20 years this is good Christ sure and Schultz you guys sound like Nazi guards whoa what if we just found out we were Jews right here but you going to people like are you I'm going through some [ __ ] I don't know if I can make it like now you gotta call all the people that like you said racist you too and your pass back and be like guys most fair game yeah I found out I was 26% Turkish only the Greek that's wild that's rough really why four years Janis what you just just they just ended turn of the 20th century oh yeah yeah the Turks are the Turks with Ottomans the turkey they used to be Ottomans Ottomans did it right autumn is did it right wasn't that counts that you keep your culture but they bodied you that's the way to do it described an empires I got the wet little Bron James does - somebody was tried to convert people cuz if you go to albani you got a lot of parts in Eastern Europe there's a lot of Muslims but Greeks are such a prude we're so proud just resist we're stubborn stubborn Greeks are like we let you keep your food you got that we took it we kept it yeah you were body bro it's pretty tasty what if they took the good stuff and gave you the bad stuff and you guys had to sell it off you're like no you cannot like Greeks and have Greek coffee Turks have Turkish coffee if you go into a Greek place and say can I have a Turkish coffee they will [ __ ] in your food like it is the biggest insult to call Greek coffee Turkish coffee and it's the same thing the same [ __ ] you remember the first time you finger to tick yeah do you know where were to tell me that I want to hear the whole story put my hand like a pelicans now like a clock dad series well yeah yeah I look like one of the Gorgons or whatever from stranger things they should I seen that they open up and use what like this I went in and I tried to open a little gynecological move it was q-tip and parsall and then she kind of say hey don't do it like that and I was like how would you and then then I just started probably just going at it with [Music] yeah girls like don't put the whole thing first time I figured I did it like like I was cutting steak like I didn't I didn't know you're supposed looks like you're ringing a doorbell [Laughter] what's the status on the cash it was like I didn't know till later you're supposed to you know yeah the jackhammer yeah you go in and up and get it you get a life one city once you do that with a book what's in [Music] pressure put a hand you can put a hand on the pelvis you ever see the guy in the green room in the guayabera and he's like [Applause] truly sensing what is that he's it's it's like a shirt with two pockets two pockets and like pleats it's like a Cuban shirt a blind down yeah but but it's like comes in it's a girl room it's weirdest video yeah I've seen it a lot and he goes I'm gonna teach you how to go over the world orgasm here I take a little grape seed oil and then I go in and he just goes moves away from her and like when you see were trying to crawl down the cow so that yeah dude I've watched that video a lot yeah psyche bed nose reeling there you can just work every time I do girls you she's like what are you doing and I'm like just give it a second like they're like it's like you're trying to start a car or something like my [ __ ] keys I don't know what I'm talking about [Music] do not stop have an idea let's shoot kids like we can shoot it you can yeah here's the thing we go into I put it in and left it and just stuck it in and left it like I was taking her temperature how long she's made eye contact yeah and then pulled it out I was like cool and then how did that work out uh we broke up in that summer yeah that was good do you like most did you tell you to move in her I had the worst case of blue balls at night I was in eighth grade am i I was like I was like I think I have cancer in my stomach I was one of the greatest nights of my life I held her hand and my heart would skip I would love to get back to that yeah give me nothing I don't have that with my wife like we have something better yeah but like like I was loving it my wife one time told me I said doesn't it like give me day still finger your wife [Music] [Laughter] yeah I need this thing to [ __ ] boil I bet you when Jews make matzo ball soup it's just like this do you feel you I fight finger all the time boy show [Applause] [Music] you still figure your wife yeah we haven't done anything yet by the way I'm so [ __ ] half-assing this matzo ball soup but it's gonna be good trust me you're gonna like when do you get that gone soon we gotta cook the matzo balls for like 15 minutes so I need to pull them out is that I like that with plans in the way New York is cuz New York is kind of like you say yeah yeah but it's always like it's an understood thing that I might not see yeah it's like a New York New York's our plate we're flaky people yeah yeah who's not flaky and hates fighters really here why what happened that was random yeah you tell it give a cage fighter text you I'll ask you a question about these is that how is that how big it's gonna is it gonna be like cookies or a little bit a little bit bigger but not much okay but okay smaller matzo ball looking forever yeah so we're doing four different ways to do it to you know like usually in the cooking shows don't they already have it finished and then pull it out yes I like that no this is a legit cooking show let those hacks on [ __ ] Food Network yeah how hard is cooking even like it's hard to cook and hang out and talk to people yeah I know that's hard but like we put chefs up on this like pedestal and it's like ingredients right it's not kind like it's just following directions how much more it's like a little more salt a little less salt I think I would it's easier to beat I should put some more on this bad [ __ ] right here you know it's funny is we're so abnormal when it comes to cooking cuz we're from New York my oven still doesn't work I've look at my place here now we just order we just I don't like yeah I've been being fed by Mexicans since I was like four years yeah yeah yeah make all my food yeah 100% like yeah it's a weird thing he's in like we don't cook yeah I literally I have an oven I bought a place and I bought an oven and I found out a year in then my oven doesn't work I never work yeah you didn't even real sushi every night right shir and every night I like a nice like a Lawrence really cuisine you don't need bread though that's there's bread I'm doing a I'm Melana no bread yeah this meals will the chicken in here is good I've done that worry I just part of it you know but like I'm not good for sacrifices I make the I should turn this [ __ ] all I mean I can switch it over here now that it's boiling I bet that we keep boiling it simmer it the you cook a lot for your family yeah like what my wife doesn't cook anymore of cooks a little bit but I definitely do all the cooking what does your wife do nothing just gets a finger [Laughter] he can't come to voice fingering my mom's in Thursday it's crazy I just imagine like you just have sex but not fingering no you don't kiss a whole lot yeah you know I kind of like kissing I'm but that's what my wife said that blew me away she goes I said can you believe you'll never have sex with odd person she goes oh that's fine I can deal with that because I never have another first kiss I don't know what she goes for a woman a first kiss is exhilarating cuz you go on a date you're like I want to B's gonna kiss me like and then you're like oh [ __ ] it's happening no no it didn't happen oh wait he's coming in Oh God okay wait we're going home I'm gonna walk slowly is he and she goes first kisses are so much fun and I was like [ __ ] I hate first kisses that is anxiety yeah and I was like I just want to [ __ ] people like like that why would I just go oh I just wanna [ __ ] like I would I would miss not being able to have sex with another person for the first kiss her she takes her shirt off [Laughter] [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] these balls actually will get a little bigger that's way bigger yeah so my first kiss move I am so okay amen do you Lena but do you like go all the way you can't leave back if you're gonna course you lean in [Music] [Laughter] if I've been drinking yeah I just go in hard like like what's road miles Prower I go for sign I first I want to see the signs and bumps in your [ __ ] you I not kissed a girl first kissed her and dated her so long she thought it was gay like I have a hard time in the first kiss it is how did you find out she thought you were gay she told everyone she took her on a date and then we didn't kiss and then I was like next time and then the next date it just didn't pan out and now it's like building up and then the next date we go out and I'm like nice things and then in the next date and then all the sudden my buddy's like are you gonna kiss Jordan or not I was like what he's I go how do you know I haven't kissed her and he goes I think she's do you think you're gay I was like wait what when I was like I just had to tell her everyone she was a [ __ ] that type of ego what's up there like if a girl didn't want to make out with me she was gay yeah well this crazy girl I got so I get what I mean like he's going on dates with her so I said oh she's coming from she's going like what are we doing yeah what's going on yeah she probably gave him a lot of signs like start jerking and walk she said why yeah yeah sex when they jerk you off while I'm pregnant what's it like in someone pregnant that's awesome that's like them that's gotta feel powerful that's cooking so you just wanna let it rip for a while no no no we got pregnant on accident and she's like I'm pregnant I was like I was like [ __ ] yeah and she was like you're excited and I said 100% I said wait are you excited yeah I am if you are and I was like I'm [ __ ] in right and then the second one we had a hard time gettin pregnant with the second one how old was she for the second one 35 she was 33 for the first one 35 the second one okay and so but all our friends couldn't get pregnant Oh none of our friends would get pregnant really yeah everyone run that same age and so and they're all married and we and I was like I don't I saw the stress that caused the relationship yeah it was so people start blaming each other blaming themselves Wow and then it's like and then you once you go down this side it's like hard to get pregnant then because I think it Bobbie stressed out I've got a lot of friends do all the the tro [ __ ] and so wish i thought she got pregnant I was like first of all is like of course she's a poor redneck like yes for sure yeah that's Lee Ann grew up redneck like discipline your dog with a shovel type of rednecks whoa you know the rednecks I don't know yeah it was the best thing I was greatest thing that ever happened to me I was [ __ ] you feel like having a family is a good balance for comedy like a normal family yes I think I I think number one it teaches you to compromise in life like it's your single your whole mindset is just about you yeah you all you do is think about you all the time it's hard when you're married you think about everyone else and then yourself look you go like obviously a little bit more I think about myself punks on the comic yeah but you think I got a lot of people take care of I can compromise quicker it's the greatest thing that ever happened to me I think it kept me alive I think I'd be dead if I'd never if I never met my wife I do it a hundred percent that's crazy to you hasn't even planned to have the kid though yeah did you guys ever do plan B no what's that the film hail it's like no it's like morning well okay no not at all you've ever done that yeah I did the other day yeah it's pretty crazy you could just buy it like 39 chicken take a do-it-yourself abortion it is yeah and it was crazy yeah I will tell you this though like after they take it like they feel real comfortable just kind of talking like you got to listen to that story yeah yes what work today I was like all right well I mean well they're just they're gonna stay there as long as they can because you got AC so they're just happy to be in some cold wet yeah like can I stay no today yeah I drop it oh geez magically Selena nice and low for her just for taking a plan B yeah rewards for the tree we'll kick it down to 62 for you girls there is someone there is someone watching this yeah losing their minds like no she's cool with it she's cool with it I've got weird birth control experiences like there's a nuvaring have you heard of that my wife wears it she wears the narrow even sin is dead she's done have a good ha is your wife on birth control no no I pull out my wife wants one more summer so like I'm ready for a kid now right but she wants one more summer with a lot yeah she's just she wants one more [ __ ] buy some video tape yourself having sex put it in the bowl there's a lot of things I wish I had done with my body should I do that yeah I should make a couple videos for you for me for you to hold on to yeah just cuz cuz the sadness will get about getting older is your body just changes and yeah you love you I love my mother-in-law it's gorgeous and now that's what I'm attracted to yeah but I would love one video for what I met her wait what happens so you start changing the thing you're attracted to yeah really yeah I mean like this is gonna sound like [ __ ] like I see like a 19 year old girl with the fake tits and the high boots on no I get it but it it's not what I like like I like I like someone I can like there's what turns me on is like something with a little flaw like something that's real like yeah I think you get older and that's what you turns you want I guess I see like a 50 year old woman with real gray hair that doesn't die it it's just hot yeah really confidence oh dude I love a woman with real gray hair what was that show on TV Golden Girls no no she should grant a news agency or some Murphy Brown Murphy Brown still looks the same eh really she's been 64 like 40 years all right top 5 hot older chick she'd [ __ ] number five the boom one through five oh good what about Billy Joel's wife the ex-wife Chris Christie Danbury [Applause] yeah no first lady ever yeah Martha Washington's big tits probably baked it was their century smoke show like they washing cabins where their bodies were bulbous it's different I don't know her name's Martha no I I'm just believing it ya know George Washington yeah Jackie oh yeah she could catch it Wow Jack oh one of them had really wide said ah I don't care she's an aristocrat though all right in I'm did do Jackie Onassis was gathering his Newport Rhode Island and she's been through trauma so she's gonna be crazy a Shack Oh grazie yeah I saw that that is talked about destroying the sacred sea of the presidency yeah yeah I would Melania Trump is [ __ ] yeah she's hot you think she still loves him no but she gets it like she's more pragmatic she's from the east yes she does three she knows her option is going back and shoveling cows oh yeah she's got AC now [Applause] [Laughter] ya rijal a let's go one loose to the edited version this is gonna be him starring you finger yeah no none of that I love my wife we're not gonna there's not gonna be one word coming out version do you wear flip-flops all the time that's a Florida no can I tell you something honestly when we were out back having that conversation I was really cold yeah I was like when are we gonna go in oh yeah you've got no body fat though I think I'm a little body fat yeah I don't do bread but I was impressed that you and your [ __ ] tongues out oh yeah I could wear flip-flops in the winter easy as [ __ ] Jesus [ __ ] Oh Florida yeah Florida I grew up in flip upside warm on stage for the first like full two years I ever did Santa but with flip-flops then I went to LA went to go on stage I was hosting at The Improv and Budd Friedman came up with his monocle looked at my feet he said Mr Chrysler London Sarah me I'm over by the DJ mr. Kyser we have a closed toe shoe policy at this club I am expecting you to go out to your car and put on a pair of closed toed shoes and oddly enough I had a pair of boots in there blunt stone boots and I went out I put on my boots and I've never worn flip-flops and sage ever again that was totally comfortable I loved it look I bring it back you gotta bring it back I think I'm already doing enough naked I think I just the only thing I get to dress up my act is my [ __ ] shoes you shoe guy I like I like sneakers a little bit sneakers are you I'm a sneaky fanatic ok let's talk let's talk sneakers yeah I'm a little bit but I'm like dabbling okay I'm a big Nike guy while you're in town I leave Friday take me get some cakes kake's should it put on the internet huh which Schultz's are this I mean like Johnson I could take you with some kick this is our cooking if you will really yeah well that's some kicks come on I [ __ ] will drop a dime on cat's eye my wife when you saw the sandals cause it'd be really funny for the poor guy so look at you alright let's do this let's do these okay this is bubbling again let's go back to Charlemagne I like watching him from afar okay if you don't want to do because he's super real yeah and he's like he just like dude that the Breakfast Club changed the game yeah that's the best interview show on the world you ever seen you ever seen DMX well in Breakfast Club yeah when he comes in and he goes so tell us what happened you got arrested for you're driving us all to do with my boys Aaron he did what to respect my authority and they're like wait you're not a cop I know you don't know that though I've never loved that's a great [ __ ] show that's great we did some MTV shows together oh dude guard with your guy code and like girl come on all these MTV shows and then someone pitched him about doing a podcast Chris Murrow I pitched him about doing a podcast and he was like yeah and he hit me up he's like yo you want to do a podcast together I'm like let's do it and it just kind of blew up from there and was just yeah it was so cool man it was really what we've been doing throughout the week anyway we just call each other and argue about stupid [ __ ] yeah and but he's the most talented man he's so [ __ ] sharp sharpies he deserves everything he's got man he's really really talented he's one of my guilty pleasures i watch like him there's a period where are you afraid to come on I come on I definitely come all right good I definitely come on we talk [ __ ] yeah see the part here's I'll tell you where I [ __ ] up with by people as I as I say nyet [Laughter] if I get I feel like I'm the white guy that tries too hard sometimes because I really am into hip-hop and I do know a lot about his farm and so I would jump in and be like I don't know you ever seen like that that thirsty guy yeah I think I come off like that so yeah yeah I'd love to do that next one I come to New York people I don't think there's anything wrong with the admiring you know genre of music if it's authentic you really like it I'm so into hip-hop when I first met Will Smith yeah I just was like we were in a dance studio in the Upper West Side yeah there's some studio and he sat down and I was like I was like okay I understand that I'm here to try to sell you on me being a great comic but we're gonna talk about hip hop and I literally went through the list I was like what do you think about the hot boys were big at the time I was really into OP words if you respect them do you like what they're doing like what do you like I went through the list I was like you know who I'm MJG an Eightball I was like a big orange mound fan that holes like that hole so I ran into big boy from Outkast right yeah I was hosting an event I was like then this is see this is where I [ __ ] up cuz I'm like I become a fan boy and so I was like I came up to him I was like hey man I'm a huge fan I just want to let you know yeah I'm a big fan I'll cast all Outkast so it just changed my favorite band ever what you guys did was revolutionary and he was like ah thanks and I said okay and you could tell he's just like thanks and just walked away yeah next they were at the airport right and I see Big Boi getting out of his thing and I go he didn't understand that I'm a fan yo yo daddy fat sacks and he turns around he goes what I said lose his left foot I told him a [ __ ] fan and he was like oh you're legit and then I just broke then I'm now I'm drunk tubes it's the morning and I'm like oh yeah so this is good geek out with it I think would be fun yeah yeah yeah the UH I'm a weird taste like I was in the unnie DeFranco really hard for a while who's that oh so I got very feminist like lesbian singer-songwriter take fault folky right yeah yeah [ __ ] awesome Franco these Ani DiFranco Wilco like I'm into you know what I'm into I think I'm into music that wouldn't like my comedy sadly Nickelback would think I'm amazing [Laughter] love what you do is that a bit you should know funny as [ __ ] real yeah that's funny what a great [ __ ] job we have yes that this is it this is it just [ __ ] giggling we should complain about now I don't I don't complain him up much how's everything going I said I've never been happier in my entire [ __ ] life the best I might say I think Kali is the best it's ever been what's happened in this business has changed my body I've never seen someone's kitchen for [Laughter] oh my god we're here for another hour no we're wrapping this up so do you really get this diverse with the cooking at your house you like matzo ball then you'll be like an Indian I tried to do my own Indian dishes like just inspired like where I go just anything with a little bit of coconut milk or like I did an Indian chicken or fish thing for my daughters they [ __ ] loved it I think everything's done I wish I know how to cook man it's like kind of weird to not know how to solve this Douglas it's a helpless feeling dude if like the apocalypse comes me and you are gonna be like all right let's all we got to do is grow some turkey sandwiches all right useless man the others are useless yeah but it's not gonna come I could happen I think we'll have a lead on football oh yeah what about that what about that cup right there well thanks oh yeah good call good call you can even get the ball in there too with that yeah but I could you know oh that's enough that's take that one and that's when like do this [ __ ] solve it and then I'm gonna give you a ball you want a ball yeah I'll take a little matzo ball yeah you're the smallest one since you're on a diet appreciate you Thanks do we need to put anything in this like maybe salt it seemed hot is [ __ ] [ __ ] whoa maybe salt it seems it seems a little bland might go a lot more it's unsalted chicken stock is that the juice yeah okay the juice has no sodium in it so definitely load yourself up all right I think but it tasted pretty salty even with it real yeah yeah but you're probably have one of those thumb tongs young kids have yeah when you're an old man you gotta salt everything oh yeah put salt on my wipes hmm all right all right ready is there like do we do a thing or no don't you taste it tell me thank you let's do a lot of salt in line all right all right what's a fish it's a fish that's official hmm our chickens nice that's a good muscle ball right there that's a good mom great texture almost salt the [ __ ] out of this the chicken is great by the way when you let it sit in chicken stock that's what it is it literally is like melt-in-your-mouth chicken it's almost like a put two juices back in the chicken yeah this is all you need to know if you have kids all you got to learn how to do is make matzo ball soup why they really like that do kids love matzo ball soup is so kid-friendly why do you think I think there's a simple kid kids don't want to take chances is that chicken just fat okay I'm gonna put down on the wood the clickers whole [ __ ] Tundra yeah the chickens really good chicken is really good oh my god it is rhythm I'm gonna get [ __ ] so drunk tonight oh you off tonight yeah I did spots last night I'm done yeah did it spot the cellar yeah fun oh oh oh take my cell phone the second time performing that well yeah I'd perform there I perform there uh like 15 years ago and got passed when I lived in LA so you know and then I just I'm not the kind of guy that wants to call in and go hey can I get a spot right I'll just go you know what I'm in New York the people that work live here should work here I feel like what am i a is gonna come and take this bottle only for my ego to do the cellar right lazuli up box and I have [ __ ] blast now what happens when you take your shirt off but the audience doesn't know you they at this point they know I don't know I don't know I think I think I'm anything I think I know I think don't think anyone knew me at the cellar last night I think they just think it's they get on board with it like what the [ __ ] is going on right but yeah it was it was good last night I took my shirt off on stage on both shows but I'm that's more comfortable doing something with my shirt off let me get self-conscious of exciton comics and go after me be like what the [ __ ] do I have to follow this for [ __ ] I do follow a guy one time with tape on his face mm-hmm and he destroyed and only times just had tape on his mouth and didn't do anything yeah [ __ ] murder wow this is pretty [ __ ] good you ever do that pick up some room no I start now with a guy gets in his I'm the fat kid strips down it was underwear and speedo something murder comes like my act he goes all the way down to Lego I think he's got like tonsils or whatever there are them nipple tassels needful tassels on and I mean he just like destroys he's like are you guys ready for your headliner huh and you're sitting there going like no I'm not I don't want to be here right I'm about to go eat Mike yeah oh you guys never had to do that like the way when when I had to do the road you have no [ __ ] clue you would go on the road and you'd watch murderers from their local town reference it up yeah to a point where you could not they were like yeah the road was [ __ ] this business has changed so [ __ ] much [ __ ] better I think magnums be a comic like you can't complain because at least you know you can try you have an idea you try it you got a shot I got shot you just try it how much fun is it to come up with an idea and then literally walking on stage at night and go god dammit that worked yes that's feeling a new joke really is look I hear you guys like snorting like you're getting rid of a cold feels good when you're sick kind so yeah so wait what do you guys have to promote real quick so we get that in oh well actually Schulz produced my special we're gonna put it out online so no yeah we're doing it the independent way and chilled it's such a brilliant [ __ ] way to put out special man it's so cool I'm excited I'm very excited about it you know and it's called the honest Papa's blowing the light and it's we filled it right here in New York Comedy Club and it's sick man I'm very excited you're one of the guys that I'll tell you what they say behind your back is that it was a best compliment when I first saw you I never you were but I didn't know anything about your acts and I said well is he funny and they're like dude he's one of the most brilliant [ __ ] guys the best is when you see him at a night and he hasn't is that he's doing snuff stuff he's never done before yeah and it's just off his head it is like [ __ ] poetry I was like seriously they're like oh you got to see it I did so yeah I can't wait to see the special wait really I'm just glad we did it - it was so much fun it was like a magical night yeah it was fun and the way the way Schultz directed and produced it it just looks the footage looks amazing so I'm plum excited about it man it's great man you guys are doing you're really doing what I believe and I think the door would even agree with me it's the next level of I know Rogen agrees with me yeah for sure is the next level of where this art form is going because there's too many times of people that people just don't know of that deserve to blow you can't not everyone's gonna go through the traditional way and I think that's gonna change the way the traditional way operates I think everything that we know is this business currently is gonna change night and day within the next ten years I think there won't be any more people going you know what Brenda I'm gonna leave early today uh-uh this business is catching up to your heels Allison if you don't learn to switch with it like us dude I just wanted a [ __ ] three-week tour through Europe I came here for four days three days to shoot 110 episodes because I know there's young [ __ ] like you right behind me one I'll shoot those ten episodes yeah I'll stay I'll tell you what I'll tour your [ __ ] ten twenty [ __ ] days you know that and so I think and Lily Rogan dude hardest working man in this [ __ ] business right every single day works out goes does a three-hour podcast every single day [ __ ] saunas runs with his dog cooks his kids meals goes to the store do those two spots gets high has a drink gets home wakes up the [ __ ] six out of the same morning it doesn't rinse repeat it's true man I'm gonna do an elk once in a while yeah but I'm really more than anything I'm really glad that you guys agreed to do this and I'm glad that you guys see me as your peer even though I'm [ __ ] kind twenty years old of both you guys thanks for happy cuz I'm glad to be a part of what you guys are doing dude we're glad to be a part of it too this is what comics are supposed to do that's the beauty of you know I think Rogan inspired out there in La si comics help in comics and how many people you know have a mortgage now because Arobin you know like on some real [ __ ] so it's like and that's what I want to get started over here in New York to be honest with you is I just want to like help out comics that I know are super funny and if they just had the right push they could blow the [ __ ] up you know and I feel like we're way funnier when we're trying to impress each other not trying to impress the industry so why don't we do that and yeah I think we can do some cool things over here in New York like you guys have done on the west coast all you needs a one diving board and a kid that's cool sharing it yeah do it flips and he's good too yeah it's just rare you find someone who's down to share man it's rare you find some of it throw lob so everybody gets scared they're like but are they coming from I know they come with a mine it's like come on man I'll tell you what the that's one of the things I admire the most and Joe is that he just was like the best I'm gonna put everyone yeah if you pop you pop and that's great and if you don't pop come on again let's see if you pop again hey you do I don't know when I pop but I've been on his show like probably thirty times yeah but you you go I'm gonna keep putting you on I think you're good I think you're talented and Joe is one of those guys that he's he said there's not for everyone we can all eat bro it's there's no longer like this this scarcity complex that we all had where there was like eight specials a year and we're all fighting for it's like you know how many it's like the universe it just expands what's more you put in it yes a thousand percent and it's like they're like a million Instagram models with a million followers yeah right so if there's a million of them there can be a million of us yeah right like what are tents but we're funny we're still offering distraction that's cool that you want to like take part and so there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to it is you just need the person who has the right constitution like they got the right makeup like Joe's pill for power not everybody's built for power most people in power they're their tyrants yeah yeah man it's a rare you find someone who like gets powered and wants to give back so because the personality usually that chases power wants it because they're insecure and they want to control people so yeah when you have someone who's like kind of benevolent that means there's we're they're really strong your constitute like they're you're not insecure people like yeah it's good it's good it's it's inspiring when you see something like that yeah absolutely well yeah man check out some you know we do a bunch of shows on my You Tube channel I'd love to get you on we do a show call the inside jokes where if we kind of did what we're doing with your joke which was like comics bring a joke that doesn't work it's too offensive too divisive and we are the honest is on all the time and we all kind of work it out together and I just put all my standup out there on the youtube channel so [ __ ] great though yeah it's fun out I'm telling you hey thank you guys both for doing this piece yeah I feel like I don't really need to try to kiss you guys finger you guys [Music]

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 692,664

Rating: 4.8806171 out of 5

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, bert kreischer, comedy, comedian, comedians, comedy podcast, bert the machine kreischer, cooking with, cooking food, cooking show, food, how to, recipe, do it yourself, diy, how to cook, cook, tutorial, yannis pappas, yannis pappas maurica, yannis pappas stand up, yannis pappas greek, andrew schulz, andrew schulz podcast, andrew schulz stand up

Id: FNje2gVJ2lA

Length: 75min 26sec (4526 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 19 2019

Reddit Comments

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What a surprise, it's one of the funniest episodes