Jessica Kirson & Mark Normand Make Shakshuka | Something's Burning with Bert Kreischer

gays experience you ever had your life I got jerked off on a bus home by a guy once in Mexico [Music] oh [ __ ] am i bleeding I know how I've been picking my morning do you know what's on it nothing it was just dry and I picked it no yeah I don't wash my hands sponsored by KitchenAid it's a blood joke I was I was in a meeting one time and I just gambled my face I wouldn't know what it was I just picking at my face my face started bleeding in the meeting wow this is the only cookie so that starts with the chef's believing you ready for this yeah first time I met Jessica curse on you remember oh yes my guest today Jessica curse on mark Normand cute funniest [ __ ] in town that's so nice the first time I met you no okay I'll tell you the story I'll tell you the story in small details that I think make stories interesting comics comedy club oh yeah oh yeah not acting I paid $5,000 for the weekend pretty good a lot and they're taking a here's the guy put me up with a hotel across the street nice hotel big bar up I'm not like the kids making it oh this is how I thought it would play out right Joe DeRosa is hosting yeah Jessica's featuring all right Joe goes up I see Jessica I say hydrometer Joe comes in and switches and comes into the green room he goes he ever seen Jessica work I said no and he goes you got a very long weekend huh and you know in your head is a guy you're like I can follow anyone I'm definitely a follower check I go out and I watch her to a very small audience maybe a hundred and fifty people 75 oh just Roy she's a killer destroy to a place where I am panicking going how the [ __ ] do I get out of this like I'm gonna breathe oh my oh my god I don't even it's hilarious no wow no I don't locked everything out and you very sad come in you would you do your set and then you bounce you go to other sets yeah back and I was like and Here I am doing an hour and just going like I want to be in her spot rod just do this that murder back easier to open and you couldn't any wanted to [ __ ] hate or you wanted her to be [ __ ] or something but you're sweet and you're like [ __ ] this okay you ready for this yeah we obviously know that the cellar and and the store that's just two hallmark comedy clubs if you could close a comedy club right now I mean like you just get rid of it just here to go in you have to go in and look at the Booker look at the other I'm sorry this place is closed you had a good run but you guys aren't comedy club material Jessica oh god there's so many missed the [ __ ] room yeah I mean I'm at Uncle Vinny's bananas next weekend falling URIs I'm gonna start cutting it's really not easy it's not can I tell you what I love I love when you find out genetic anomalies in races me too there you go where you're like what we most most Asians are lactose intolerant and they can't drink beer I think it turned red yeah yeah yeah oh that's so funny yeah if you fall asleep anywhere that's a brand new stereotype I just put out and I'm only judging that based on my plane flights recently black men posted so easy no complaints totally [ __ ] fall sleep so easy I'm King xanax and drinking ambien like like you walk on a plane and it's like a Stephen King novel [Laughter] there's a true story and I want this to get the comment we were flying this ship from Chicago to LA I got on the plane and I was like oh [ __ ] it's common I'm a big hip-hop fan I was like I'm gonna say something so I sit down I get my [ __ ] together I look over to say something he's sound asleep I mean left or Mac right yeah the worst fight I've ever been in my entire life up and down we are moving all this out like someone drugged him like Bill Cosby was his last meeting right anyway we land in LA I have drank non-stop I'm eating half a xanax I wrote a goodbye letter to my family put it into my jacket pocket so they'd find it we touched down when the wheels hit the ground he still doesn't wake up we get to the gate he waits up Luke's amigos have we taken off I went are you kidding I'm like are you [ __ ] kidding Wow you know what it is white pillars here of flying but black no that's the only place they feel safe because they can't detect area now can ya there there's no cops there's no person get on the plane exactly that's gonna be a nice two hours yeah she'll say a black on a cruise oh yeah that's a different I just read today on Twitter that common was molested no it's true I really just read that this morning Oprah Tyler Perry me you just brought this up this past week you're like I wish I had been molested in lastik sure that's actually rare that you haven't been molested maybe I blocked it out like your weekend with him jim Florentine or the department's of the joke is he ever tells some of the story that halfway through story realize you were molested he's like how that was that I said and wake me up every like half an hour I think you were molested and I went no anyone hears it all you're saying my favorite yeah I've heard of the smelling sauce but nothing when I was on the [ __ ] yes guys we [ __ ] I was telling them I was date raped in college and I was talking all about it and then there was a pause and one of them goes Jessica you weren't date rape you were raped and I swear to God we laughed for five minutes totally right he didn't take me on a date I've been saying that's like so can you take me out yeah literally just what I fantasized about it like a bunch of time so it's okay plain when you were dating dudes old snatch your man on the slip the skirt the trim oh my god I've been with a lot of guys - I don't mind having sex with men cuz I like especially giving ahead cuz I'm an eater so I like that I'm being sir I like that feeling of hey my throat really I just don't like the semen like I don't I said I don't like glue ya know I've been with God I just could never fall in love with a guy that's really the truth I get that yeah I understand I would love to date a lesbo really yeah well we could talk about other women and denied she could thank me yeah you could probably both be with other women this is a good situation yeah on the floor and no one picked it up she could peg me slip it in you guys like eggs sure I'm making a dish today called mark and I have the worst posture we're both way yeah it's just a bad look for me we're making cyka this is something I get in the diner and I always regret it watch oh my god I've never even heard of this it's a wacky dish can I tell you the first time I ever saw this it was on Jamie Oliver's cooking show maybe it is I know that I had my food shows not that kind of funny show but it's a thing that inspired me to cook Jamie Oliver had an episode where he came back from his Range Rover to his country town house like outlet outlet not in the city about out of all the partying at some club but they drove 30 minutes outside the London because it was a little town house and there's a little like country house he had his girlfriend and like three of her friends they're all models and one of his buddies and he goes all right I'm gonna make you guys Bellinis or something you guys sit I'm gonna go make breakfast and he goes in and he makes a version of this dish and there was something to that the way he sold it that like I felt like ginnifer I used to look it I said you remember when I was a kid I'd look at the okay I need help cutting you can you guys cut sure no that's gonna make us cry yeah you've already cried you guys can you can you cut yeah we need to market maybe you want me to do it I'll do it it's okay I mean you could cut something else yeah you're making me a nervous with your cutting already why I don't know it's just it seems like I love cutting I know cuz I always had a housekeeper are you serious what did you grow up with money yeah but yeah I mean I wish that I did I wish my mother was around but yes I did have a nanny my whole life our housekeeper are you serious you did I had to the transvestite was notice anywhere honey it was a mustiness big black guy are you kidding I swear to God my parents were never home neither my mom was a therapist and she was helping everyone else and my dad was a business guy yeah and they were just but both worked a lot yeah so we lived in a big house everything look good you know a mansion I'm interested like that your parents higher that's amazing yeah yeah time oh my pears the most liberal to a fault I really I grew up in a horrible neighborhood and get robbed all the time but they're like they shoot it oh that's my mother would give my housekeeper my clothes that I still wore like I was gonna wear that shirt tomorrow ready why is she wearing my [ __ ] shirt yeah exactly yeah same I get my bike stole and I go we'll get you another pie yeah then the bike yeah they needed it we can't we can't you can't say the word made in our house oh my god you're losing that something made it Sophia who do you think you know young maid dad that's Silvia she comes over once a week it's Silvia I was like but she is a maid I hate the changing of the word it doesn't do anything for the people right my grandmother recover the girls that's the best the girls coming on Tuesday the girl girls coming in Russia they call it de busca oh girl yes when you want something good why did you yeah it sounds like my family country club that I grew up in oh wow she my grandma feel like where's that help she want to scream out all these things did you grow up like like where did you grow up in the city in South Orange New Jersey really yeah who's a great it's a great area yeah very all different kinds of people yeah Jersey it's awesome yeah did no anti-semitism a lot of Jews oh yes oh yes yeah my rabbi was horrific Oh God like good morning [ __ ] morning show by the way good morning good yeah do you ever realize you've been giving oral sex wrong your entire mouth now I'm actually really good at it I'm good at it now yeah I kind of want to do it to someone else just to see if I'm good at it or if my wife's just been hating me yeah can you teach me yeah bro yeah let's do a lesson okay yeah this is a great little approved event it's gonna work but in here you can really good like pork bun something with a little fold you know what looks like a vagina oh well maybe a smack cereal or not oh oh yeah honey smacks what are those do look like mini yeah yeah yeah this is my this this is what makes my gas is underrated this is my my my insight for oral sex gentle chaos mmm good bags that makes yeah something like that yeah yeah I get it so you just go down there and you go yeah might switch now that was really amazing what you just did sorry what do you do what do you do because you know the equipment so you must have some good insight yeah I know some guy working out in fighter jets you own agenda your own used to wear which I was telling our what I knew I was I don't remember where I was saying this but you guys know oh I was on big J's podcast with Dan Soder and I used to wear a chin strap have you ever seen Wow during sex well yeah when years ago like I used to you put the strap that dick comes out of your chins and then you go down on a woman and the dick it's amazing it's called a Leno yeah I wore it to Temple and it was a very big problem no it's it was it's an incredible oh yeah we start with the onions on the red pepper we're gonna let them Brown is that red pepper that is red pepper that's a resaw flux no no no I thought it was a hot pepper oh I think it's very spicy yeah yeah do you want to use a use my Todd sweet what was the first time you hooked up with a chick oh it's a great story this is Anna this is a real he's like a porn I was in a Jewish sorority at the University of Maryland and I was a senior Kappa Kappa Jew [Laughter] what is the senior and this girl walked in who was a freshman I had never been with another girl and we just like that was it whoa really isn't that crazy I was like I'm something about her and then we spent like six months just sitting in this image this sounds so crazy in a car just like staring each other and not even talking is that one yeah and I won't be able to stop so we had a secret thing I know we went home for Christmas break and then we drank a lot of wine and smoke pot we were in my house my room because we started wrestling she was hot really first part yeah that she was my first girlfriend Wow years is scissoring real yeah but not like not people don't do it a lot at all it's like Thanksgiving or a holiday yeah right it's you don't do it every night if it's someone's Lisa loved it loved it there's so much going on on the deck it's a whole thing yeah so we were wrestling and then we just started wrestling wrestling and we just kissed it was crazy freaked out one of my first jokes in the first set I ever did that got me my first deal the first Caroline set was something about something about lesbians and I was like you think it's gonna be all hot and sex that I can walk in in there wrestling at sports bras but yeah I got you you little [ __ ] I got you know I got you and a these lesbians came up and they're like that's exactly what it's like that's what happened there yeah and I was like shut up they're like that's why we like you that one joke that's a great joke and I was like okay that's so funny that's how it happened yeah it's exactly it was the first time ever you watch poor me I say yeah but I only watch girl-on-girl which is so interesting straight rod of straight women love girl-on-girl yeah they do it's you know it's fascinating to me because they're all curious most of them are areas about my sexuality like I'm not like know a lot of women straight women are very curious about my lifestyle what percentage of women do you think could be a lot could be both ways yeah a lot well women are so physically way hotter than men so you're just seeing yeah the women all the time as a woman but I've been with straight women it's a nightmare because they don't get emotionally attached and then they're still straight you know like they're curious but they're straight so it then you get attached and bam - Bonnie dick Oh interesting that's you know if you want dick you want yeah I don't want to be gay I would hate to be [ __ ] emotionally attached to some dude felis for you bro doesn't mean we're married now yeah if I call you suck my dick you suck my dick all right that's what it is it is what it is it's like [ __ ] [ __ ] and get a pizza come on let's place the crusties with my hands I just want you to know I wash my hands after the blood okay I'm really gonna be sick it's okay I'm to block it out like the rape you just know I'm fine I'm just washing my hands and into a shower we're totally fine I wash my hands aggressively after I saw he washes the hem that's all the blood on it [Music] here I just change my tampon [Laughter] I can't believe you bled without even cutting and it was you didn't even do anything leaning of lesions for the people at home it's like 10:00 in the morning she's rare well Charlie cookie you just can't get your end up really quick this is what women in Georgia are gonna have to do Wow I think that's good I mean it's [ __ ] pace now Oh God Jesus you look like a finger gal at Lilith Fair alright let's pour that in there well we wait a sneeze guard here god I need a [ __ ] doctor Gallagher there are some black ones in there oh this feels like our parents without words here I really I'm not kidding look yeah yeah there we go all right Chuck Zuka that was a black panther should you turn that down a little bit no no it's gonna be fine just another bird no you're not Burt I'm supposed to cut the guard all right I know I know I'm just getting the garlic in there because we're running late I can't wait for your fingers to be inside this after this meal they're gonna be shocked at how good this is Jews can't be around garlic right yeah it makes our horns go away well there's there was a supposed to cut garlic yeah those are big huh [Laughter] [Music] I'm not even good I would turn down the heat align our due to because things there are chunks of garlic yeah Flavor Flav paprika and I haven't heard that name in a long time way back what was that horn Jesus what is that is that cinnamon oh my god this is Cuban I think what's the top because you need the other holes put the top on it in the holes I got it I got it how much did it say how a tablespoon of [Music] castle was acting up this is worse than Paula Deen we got it we got it if you think I'm eating that you are and you're gonna love it so you're gonna say to yourself there's no I have it that's actually good Burt I can't believe that no this is like mo had a breakdown yeah like a mental yeah we got to say it dude see people don't know this but that smell is so intense right now thank you man it is it it's look how much tomato we put in so sloppy I feel unsafe yeah I'm gonna love this you're going no I'm really not I mean I love you but yeah this looks like when they suck out of a fat actress but she's brave I'd love some Thomas they didn't have in Europe is [ __ ] an acid yes are you kidding and I was had heartburn the entire [ __ ] time I was like throwing up in my mouth here give it to me give it to make anybody learn this in Russia from Egor did you just open up with your balls no I'd love a water or something you say would know a seawater I'm from Jersey I never would err thank you so much should I take the label off no no their sponsor us thank you pulling Springs really yeah Wow look at this it's reducing nicely that cumin is so strong that's why you do that well I feel like I'm in prison in India whatever are the eggs they're coming they're here what we do is we make a little well we put an egg in there and then we it's gonna be it's gonna be beautiful this is honestly this is really bad this is diarrhea like this is going to be good I need you guys [Music] honestly it's this is the gooey oily water on top man are they all like this I've never watched the show oh look at that oh do you think people in starving countries watch a mattress we're also sponsored by Casper this is going to be gorgeous gorgeous you'll see it's I wish people could smell what's happening it's much Rebekah's delicious cilantro yeah that's a scallion dude by the way scallions green onions I call them are the most that's the one fruit why is it so dirty I was using that sound sounds like me munching my wife's [ __ ] yeah yeah you guys can do that yeah I mean we were you become friends but yeah we used to do that how often do you have sex we make it an effort like we do have sex because you have to you have to do it you got to women right my wife is going to met a perimenopause and you just yes yeah me too it's very all right it's and it's like a lot of emotions but it's she's not sex isn't the first thing on her minami either yeah pilot perimenopause there oh it's hard when you're yeah but you got it no I mean I think you know when you've been together for years it's not easy oh yeah for not everyone but for a lot of people it's not easy my parents say you should have sex once a week it just keeps everything together yeah you do it they have sex with you once a week my parents [ __ ] me once a week until we became close this is gonna be for hope you're gonna I'm telling you don't know bird I love you too you couldn't question your sexuality at a very young age we just based off of a look then take a chance keep that open-mindedness on this dish I am owning I am open by anyone's gaze very open that's that's a really interesting statement gays experience you ever had in your life I got jerked off on a bus home by a guy once in Mexico the bus like a party bus in high school and I was getting a bj for my date and my friend went up went yeah dude Wow but that was nothing there was this two-stroke you know yeah like a moped and then the Mexico all my friends were getting enough hookers and I was too scared so I said I'll just get a bj so I went into this bar and it was 20 bucks and the lady wouldn't let me hold her head she was like don't touch my head and I had to grab her boobs and it moves a rock hard and then she was great at a condom on came in like two seconds I left and I walked out on my friends to stay on the sidewalk - like you weren't in there were you I was like oh yeah and they're like that's a it's dudes and they all hit the floor laughter oh oh let me hold her head during a [ __ ] is she won't get on her knees my waifu lot and i get [ __ ] yeah that's hot isn't it I do it's just the action of it and the seeing it is very hot dog oh yeah no it's not I can't it's not attached to me I mean it's attached but it's not see the problem is I'm very visual sexually like that's what I'm saying it's not Jesus I like to I like to see things and my wife's like look at me I go yeah I kind of wanna like oh she wants to look you in the eye yes she wants to be connected like that's why we can't do reverse cowgirl I made a joke about it one of my special cuz I sell this to burst out she was like what's that little I'm like I don't understand the part of the poor guy he describes it to her like hey I go turn around but it was so funny in the moment because it was so real unless yeah I think turn around she goes and face the wall and I was like yeah she said what am I supposed to look at I was like I don't [ __ ] know what are you look at I was like yes maybe that's not sexy at all and then the whole time god she's just pulling on her ankles when I feel very disconnected I feel very disconnected guys he's connected as good that's the only way to do it yes and I like a butthole shot and put up put a plasma up on the wall for what put on Schindler's like there was I gotta put salt into some easy Wow heart attack and [ __ ] at the same time I think that's how that works I think you [ __ ] when you have a heart attack oh no really no one tells you that oh boy that's the problem I'm a big fan of the labia as well and do you go downtown on the rag probably bad dish to be making where we answer this question mean like the Flores oh uh no no you know Flo I have many times okay yeah you just stay up up yeah you'd say yeah you stay on the clip all right yeah always whine you just go in the ass wait what yeah eating it or pegging it or fingering fingering it whoa cannot finger my wife's [ __ ] once again way too way too descriptive with you there you trying to say you're my [ __ ] and I'm like I don't know where's that are you saying not to do it or you just I'm just asking are you trying to finger my [ __ ] on me no well there's a lot of explaining while you're doing it that does take away that really takes away from it I agree I don't need shelves by the way don't worry you need a some nut shelves just to expedite things and I want the eggs to be perfect I'm gonna put four eggs in this I'm gonna put them each of these the recipe no yep okay I'm not eating a raw egg right yeah this is raw eggs if you're wrong I'm not eating a remind you not eating like she's had an ovary period I did a drinking show one time and they made me a beer with a raw egg in it Oh Oh God nothing more heartbreaking than cracking an egg a New York did you dismiss the garbage nice little ramekins alright so now what we do is we create these little wells inside well yep little wells Oh fun I can't I don't know if it's gonna be I'm gonna be able to do this you are there's something hanging from the spatula oh just I have to [ __ ] how would have you even gotten in there yeah good point alright I want to explain this is a lot like it's a lot to eat in the morning yeah right this seems like a late-night dish doesn't it like yeah I mean anything but the morning what origin is is this Russian Middle Eastern I'm gonna say sure Chaka I think it's Isis the ISIS cafe okay here we go we should do one more egg like the dead center huh no no this is good stuff oh yeah I know a little shocked by that too it's there's not nothing about it has been cooked like the eggs have not even changed yeah you'll see you'll see you'll see you'll see you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf sure the eggs still haven't cooked it's okay I'm gonna go pick up the eggs on the floor 20 years I'm 20 years this month there's so much stuff on the floor oh my god the ears they're starting to cook up pretty nicely are they I have to go they look exactly the same something's with those eggs cuz normally when you put eggs I know I know oh yes there's no meat in this dish no it's vegetarian so how long is it supposed to take for the eggs to cook like an hour - hi Molly what's gonna happen it's gonna fry and the eggs will be wrong the red you guys are gonna be shocked with how good this I don't know I always regretted a dime look at this turning white yep yep it's starting to steam it up really nice thank God for the layer that's my cue so mark I just got done touring do Europe risk spray if you get 10 explain to Jessica spray you were to say that touring with me was like a movie what movie would it be like oh god Apocalypse Now they say you know at some point it's on the bed watching that ceiling fan go he's like Brando half his his shirts off half his face is painted he's just gone crazy I mean two weeks in it was he's like a celebrity from the 70s he'll eat whatever he wants he drinks when he wants he yells at women great trip I wouldn't how long were you guys there for two weeks did you have any nights off wait two nights off I think Copenhagen we had two oh yeah we go in two nights in Copenhagen one we had one full day off which was amazing huh a dream it was one of the better days I've had it was it just the two of you yeah cameraman and a tour manager that's great it was awesome Bri was who's your favorite city mark Copenhagen was great Antwerp was pretty Amsterdam but you just can't be it's incredible campaign if you had to move to one country and live the rest of your life there you can't do stand-up you just got to get a regular old job making making pickles I don't know just like something just like that would work well what see do we access to marklar gate but he's gotta be you might go to Switzerland Wow it's one of my eye I was on a train once in Switzerland and I was crying that's how beautiful Wow for me trains yeah that's true I didn't know where it was heading wasn't a ditch yes so we I was like looking out and there was a green lake and mountains and I was so overwhelmed it's so not like me but it was so overwhelming yeah but I couldn't even believe it I hear Switzerland is a little boring after like you see the beauty there's not as much to do where would you move to I mean I am a [ __ ] but I'd say I like Paris yeah I like Paris too i love berr except they're not that you thing there is not great right yeah most of them moved to Israel ah look to the Parisian or the Jews most of the Jews there's not much Jews in Europe Wow we forgot it took about 6 million of us and that's why that's not real oh I would have gotten great art anyway yeah there aren't a lot anymore very true I was away I mean this is another way I was obsessed with this and I still a little obsessed with this our tour manager was German yeah she was like she was that girl were so apologetic for the Holocaust and for what we've done and I was like how do you interact with your Jewish friends this she's like she's like I've never been a Jewish person yeah we're like shut the [ __ ] up how I'm kidding you is is together not here I mean yeah she's like well I never saw someone wearing a yellow star so I don't know how I would have met one but it's interesting that Germany is so apologetic but there just aren't goos there are no somos would want to get the [ __ ] out as soon as they can Jews or Germans Jews but history want to be there with all the guilt it's actually very true like there maybe I'll move there and just bring it up non-stop yeah yes hey everyone you killed my family my mates buy a DVD yeah that's a brilliant idea great way to sell merch hey guys thanks for coming out should I mention I'm Jewish feel guilty at all about anything I've said or that your family did for sale that's Jess with an SS their shirts that say I'm one of the good Germans still afraid of the cumin and the paprika I'm Tara these yummy fingers for a wedding ring it's still on yeah barely it's cutting the circulation oh no do you like your eggs hard or runny I think right now I'd rather than be hard I think they already say that I think either pretty much almost kind of done no no tell you what I'm a sample one you follow the Jewish diet stuff now Jade now I didn't [ __ ] my face with bacon no I remember I wasn't brought up kosher I mean I had a bat mitzvah yeah you know I was brought up reformed which is the lowest there's reform conservative Orthodox acetic like it goes at the lowest goddess I'm very proud and I love you know my kid like the traditions and all that but I don't I'm not a religion I hate religion same hate it talk about coolest Jews in Hollywood oh my god man let's do men don't be with Larry David and then we'll do top five yeah marry David for sure it was my hero I think Adam Sandler Oh told you who else Mel Gibson oh wait Natalie Portman oh she's doing first I met her she is the most stunning person I've ever seen you know I've never she's stunning and she she did I know a lot about I'm a big fan of Natalie Portman she's not just she's worth it oh she grew up Orthodox really yeah really yeah guys I think these are done yeah I'm gonna take a look and just oh the other done they're done you sure I'm certain that's a little you don't have to serve me first it's my oh here we go I'm gonna give you this once I think this one is extra done when you got a big hunk of tomato there yes well give you a little extra mark thank you we use utensils or we just eat with our yeah right I'm gonna give this love to you simply I think this would be great with a meat just saying for next time what can I eat you think I won't throw some pulled pork in there or maybe like steak tips pulled pork would be good I think yeah don't move boy that's not really sticking up and I think you should turn the heat pans huh the turn of the century I've seen some some winters make the slaves in well that with the bread on the side looks good yeah right that's how you'd serve it did your friends watch keto all right here we go whoops just get right in there oh this is definitely hooked oh this looks [ __ ] great Oh actually smells pretty good it actually smells great I'll do the first bite I would do anything for my career yeah it's really hard just pretend this is manual just pretend like this is an [ __ ] it's actually delicious I love it what the [ __ ] did I tell you it is you believe it it's very good [ __ ] really good and you don't even put oil in it or any well yes you did what am I talking about I taste vodka oh wait that's your blood this is so [ __ ] hot I broke my mouth so bad it was great yeah what were you what caused you to bleed like that I have no idea you see it it was just like a dry patch this isn't bad not bad it's like a chilly almost yeah it is the egg is what sums it for me yeah a little bit I can't tell could use a little more I think why can't you tell my government with everything wait what well you ever jerk off and you just gets off you'll I guess I guess we're not into this yeah food do you have a napkin or should I just use your yeah under oh yeah here's napkins got no breakfast huh nah it is spicy for me mmm but it's very good is your bread pretty [ __ ] break right you on the show weaving is the most impressive million may we you even impressed yourself at the end of it Nashville hot chicken oh I love hot chicks I was blown away that the chicken was cooked and I was blown away that tasted like out like it's hot chicken should taste we love Walker dreams on that episode I've never seen a thing show where the chef was surprised at tasteful I think the scallion in my life I wish I put more [ __ ] eggs in there yeah well who's gonna eat that other serving I know work - yeah you can mark Wow if I have another scoop can I open for you in Europe I'm sorry it was still cooking [ __ ] believe this is good good what do you think the worst thing is you ever made Nick Nick swardson's meal Nick's words this meal was gluten-free dairy-free soy-free meat free citrus free it was so bad what was it just like what it was supposed to be a pizza but it never got hard so turn into a rule cauliflower pizza crust that had too much water in it and it wouldn't crisp up we just scooped it up with a spoon and eat it with a spoon it was so bad it was the worst thing I've ever had that was probably the worst easy couple dishes I wouldn't mind going back and like taking a second his chances right yeah now that I know so much I saw the girls yeah I was impressed - is it this varies is there a fire extinguisher it is might say yeah it's very good but it's spicy oh yeah do you think it's spicy I like spicy so yeah I remember when I was a kid that's how they used to raise boys back home my uncle cut off a slice of it a hot meat stick like it was a pepperoni but it was hot hot yeah and they go Burt try bite I'm gonna try to bite I was like huh they're like many that many fell right eat it don't be a don't be a woman eat it and be a man I was like don't be Wow amazing come anything we're said to me as a kid that now we're complete hate crimes that's so true I mean the n-words what were you gonna say first time ever learned about J dude what am I uncle's had AIDS Jesus and whose it was a uncle by marriage and I was like and they played explaining AIDS to me I was like wait what thank god he's not the one that touched you and so one of my other two dudes [ __ ] the button and they died you're a gay are ya I was like oh I don't know Wow hey still a senator right by the way I know told eight uncles and all them like wait which one was that [ __ ] amazing pretty damn good sweating what about an ass off now would you get a stomachache from this and the beer and the whole thing or are you like really yeah you are sweating your ass right now I'm gonna notice that I get into it and I'm like like I go so fast tonight you're like a shark yeah I don't even chew anymore fight on the table I get confused give her burp and the food goes up your nose I literally need medication right now I'm sweating I think I got something you maybe make for your friends I would make this yeah maybe not as much few case equipment yes I don't think I've ever left harder on an episode of you [Laughter] [Laughter] don't make me laugh right now it's really she's gonna shart uh does anyone doesn't like humans - sorry I'm really it's a lot nice it's a lot look at you sweating right now do an impression of me try not to throw up at an airport bar Sweden it's 9:00 in the morning you've already put two beers down word though airport bar we're talking some random guy just shooting the [ __ ] and that we're like yeah yeah the the Kings good all the way yeah that was nerve-racking I felt your son I don't know if this was the right food for a Jew I don't know if this is where this started a wedding this is not the way to start your day do you think this is like a a late-night meal oh I should have worn a diaper yeah this is we all just burped you didn't even let that one out where did it go it's still in me gonna be louder sorry that part sounded like it was breaking into a house an extreme thing to eat in the morning for someone like me it's a lot it was you normally have in the morning like plain yogurt with some fruit like I eat pretty healthy now that was a lot I just ate a miscarriage tell me how you feel right don't both of you feel okay iron stomach yeah really I'm from New Orleans wheat dog [ __ ] for lunch what about ice cream would be great just something to cool you down sure you have a no dice sorry no it's German Haagen Dazs yeah really no thank you come on sing in my mouth right now oh oh that's incredible oh this is this is a pact night trick oh you're gonna like this a lot test it out on your cheek first you're gonna like this a lot here I'm gonna get three spoons just in case yeah I don't know if I want a hot spoon yeah you do I'm telling you this is not a great thing for it is a great idea I'm still sweating you and you are - I'm letting proof yeah it's really an ice cream is underrated - by the way ya couldn't how long do you think we heat these spoons up an hour please don't brand me as long as this is cool let's just go to tester that's been pretty hard it's burning no I don't want oh they're barely even warm mm-hmm god this is more bit hot did you need to test it for that oh yeah laughs good it's a spoon hot no it's not that bad there is so much going on in my stomach right now it's and I'm not just saying it to be funny I'm [ __ ] with a mic on oh my god I really should I've never done that was the biggest [ __ ] today what the night different types of ships already one was a solid and the end was like we got more it was sweeping out the kids do I like that yeah looking through the trash out oh sweet the guy at the Apollo yeah Sandman Muir worked an all-black Club Jessica yes how did it go I imagine you murder there oh yeah yeah I I did well but I have to be careful about what I talk about I mean I just do okay we're like well I wouldn't do an impression of a black woman if I was at a black Club they would like it it's a whitey who gets upset usually well some black women get upset alright and say you know you're doing it the wrong way yeah in Brooklyn you can't do personable in Brooklyn you can't do anything but talk about like an envelope you can't literally write about anything it's offensive it just made me actually so much more offensive exactly problems a doubly oppressed person right you should be able to talk about whatever the fun no actually I'm a woman I'm gay and I'm Jewish yeah no I'm sorry I'm telling mark even if I make fun of my own people peep non-jews get upset I'm like what is going on here yeah people say I'm making fun of my family and you're not even Jewish and you're getting upset like what is going on yeah it's a problem it gives him a personality you just you know I have a friend I won't say his name because I don't want him to get [ __ ] he's a very popular comedian and he got in trouble with school ang and I said I said how you doing with that and he goes who I said you know like people get upset he was who are they I don't know people knows who he says is it you I don't know this isn't anyone you know I said no he goes it's no one I know I said okay and he goes this people on line they just want to say [ __ ] they just want to start [ __ ] and if you ignore him it goes away and it went away and I was like shut the [ __ ] up damn I agree I agree with that but when other comics start doing you're like what are we doing well that's constantly I think it's I think it's comics I don't how to do comedy I am the most offended is the ones that don't know hood comedy can't ready joke and it's so much easier to take a look at someone crushing and go that's offensive right yeah we did this same thing when I was a common Keyblade of course he's high energy oh he's just a dick joke comic no he's just dirt like you you'd minimize the guys that we're doing well and right now I think that's what's happening with the uber woke scene is that they go hey man you might want to watch out with you what you're saying for you my fans I think my fans by the way I am very cognizant of what I say I try not to offend anybody yeah you know I heard what was feelings an incredible thing happened I did a benefit for Gilda's Club that's an amazing documentary eating disorder yeah major yeah you have to watch that it's really interesting yeah but I did a benefit and I do I do an impression of an Asian woman and there was a drunk Asian woman in the audience and I had a great set and at the end of the set she came up and stood next to me and goes you stop it you're in front of everyone at this was a black-tie event and I was like no I said I'm not leaving the stage and I'm gonna tell the joke and I and it was amazing it was like a thing for Gilda and she was trying to silence me and saying no you get off and I'm like [ __ ] you I am NOT leaving I'm not leaving the stage for an hour yeah I don't care I'm not I'm telling the joke and if you don't like it then she wasn't even a member of Gilda's Club she was someone's girlfriend hmm and she was just upset I said you need to work on loving yourself yeah this has nothing to do with me I think you don't like yourself you overdid Roseanne rosannadanna that's a character I know and balance I'm sure people I mean I I forget I wrote in the documentary of who that was based after but it was like just sure that was a friend there was if you go back to history there's so much [ __ ] that was was offensive wasn't offensive and that is offensive now I think I just wrote a joke with an Asian or black dudes accent yeah in and it was a it's a great joke yelling but you can't give me a leeway to try stuff out yeah how come it's offensive to do Asian versions accident but not a Swedish person's access exactly we're in Italian people go nuts hey yo nobody cares what's the difference you can't pick and choose yeah we all are not I feel the same way is it like yeah like what is the awesome that's so what are those and where do they start and where does it end when doing gay guys accent all day long oh you like honey I know no one cares I don't think they like it Oprah only gay guys like it depends it depends on the game it really does it's a lot have a great sense of humor but some are lesbians I think are much more uptight than any time I do a show for all lesbians there's so many of them are incredible but there's normally one older butch lesbian it's like I was very offended always get it I told a joke about lesbians this was it this week and about where were we did we do an open mic or something in Europe about I lived with lesbians and when they you did coke they would fight like fellow yeah yes that trail 100% they would beat the [ __ ] out of each other oh nice Janeane Garofalo and we come home they're doing coke they start [ __ ] go at it and it got to a point we started breaking up the living room and so I was like hey and I grabbed one as soon as I put my hands on her the girlfriends like get your [ __ ] hands off her and it's me I grabbed that one and she's like don't you touch her no I'm fighting two lesbians right and I don't know the rules are ahead and a woman by thinking I hate a woman on coke I'm not sure one bedroom shut the door I'm holding this story ends with me crying I can't that's incredible to me these are fun a lot I just don't get get upset like it's so entitled to be that that woman after a show and you feel like that bothered me I don't know even if it did bother you even it was [ __ ] up I could never do that I mean I grew up watching college yeah the white guy does it you know kids like that kinda hurts my feelings but I would never like write a letter or call in or be like hey man that kind of well I just don't I don't understand that mentality it's a crazy way to live it's hard for me because the two groups I'm you know the Jewish people some of the more religious ones get very offended - yeah and then the lesbians a lot of times get it's like I'm one of you like why are not turning on me and thinking that I'm doing something like I'm on your side I was doing I wanted to joke about my dad right but in my last special and I wanted to I wanted to create a character for him I wanted to make a voice warm so I could go to that and like that would be my dad character I got offstage and and someone at the Comedy Store I get offstage and they come up yeah and he goes that's a great joke is your dad black here are you gonna remember the end of the day we'll have better lives because we have to laughing all this horrific [ __ ] whereas they go mmm like what a horrible brain to go that sucks and we get to go that's great yeah I mean it's a horrible way to live it's a really down thought to bring towards the end of the episode imagine if you get like a terminal illness and you're that horrible person who just gets offended left and right and can't see the funny in LA and then that's how life ends is just one news would have been something happens to me I'm gonna be like [ __ ] I'm going out with a bang you know I'm gonna have a [ __ ] I'm gonna laugh dude I'm this one is my defense for comedy across the board I'm in new economy for 19 years 18 years we have Abbott or we have Priscilla our dog she's in sort of third knee surgery and we're about to put her down we didn't think we're gonna put her down and I'm on the treadmill and I'm so depressed I'm thinking I'm gonna lose my daughter I love this dog I love this dog greg Giraldo specials on Comedy Central he just tells a joke and I heard it and I hadn't heard that joke in the special I started laughing at first Sekhmet forgot about Priscilla yeah and I went oh [ __ ] is that what we do like someone's and that's what I say sound when you defended understanding offended but there might be someone going through some real [ __ ] then that hit them perfect and they got to take themselves out of their misery so pause yourself for a second right in awhile I've had the exact same experience I have a daughter with heart disease yeah she's three and a half and it's been a lot you can you imagine if I said a breakdown right now so it's been a lot and if I didn't laugh through it like sitting in the hospital seriously with comic friends of mine and just laughing about [ __ ] and making even a joke out of it I mean you have it like if you can't I just I wouldn't be able to function if I know my daughters are stupid enough dad enough dad okay I'm gonna have to date boys one day enough yeah I used to wet the bed and I'd sleepovers I don't have to make jokes about it about it I don't feel better alright it's weird he just go they all know I wet the bed I went to bed it's super weird right now you can feel it in the air but if you bring it out it's way easier orgasms quick during sex and the first time I had sex with my wife I I knew that it was gonna be awkward yeah I'm so quick and so I made a joke I just came in which I think someone's breaking into the house I wanna go check out probably next month yeah so I if you go to Jessica Kirsten calm I have my dates listed and that's it's it's I'm excited and I did a special with Bill burr bill with NGO called me and we were talking about the the is it the bill birth presents uh-huh and he said who was on it and when your name came up I don't think I think every single person was like [ __ ] yeah finally thank you literally and I bums me out that not enough people know that there is your favorite colored right now will have a hard time following Jessica you couldn't follow Jessica truth no one person sees her name on the lineup it goes oh there's gonna be an easy night at work no knock in person you are what people always know like do you think women are finally I'm like oh you don't know stand up yeah I feel like I've had more opportunities in some ways believe it or not that sounds crazy to people but it's true cuz they a lot of times they want a funny woman on the show yeah you know and not all guys so I get sometimes more opportunities that way but this is the one thing like if I said to you like if I said to both of you what's the one thing you feel like you should have gone that you haven't gotten yet cuz for me it was a special like this is insane that's why I'm like this is really crazy the industry sucks they're clueless the comics knows every comic knows that you're a beast you murder no one wants to follow you and and this is a way overdue yeah what are you best do you really are without a doubt thank you one of the average ones is more first date you don't want her to like think he's funny I want her I want to be the star watch mark I'm like god I [ __ ] suck at writing everyone I know I'll go in there I should be in there mark take a more to Europe with me was the greatest decision I've ever made his human Prozac and he he made me get back into like right here so mommy told us yesterday it's like I don't I'm gonna write but I write in such a long form I forget to do short and getting like punch up things and more everything with Marcus like a premise or a bit or like I remember coming down and going and this is not how my brain works by go hey you know anyone that's kind of joke about about getting molested in the shower and he's like huh like oh I'm pitching out to him and he's like I don't know that joke and I was like really and I never write jokes like that but I'm now I'm like I'm in the shower and the curtain touch me I feel your ghost is molesting me and then I'm like a bit like right yeah normally I'm just like let it go now it's in the act and now it's in the act yeah yeah we're writing you guys are [ __ ] awesome thank you so much for meeting all of this Norman Connolly not come all over the road this year tons of clubs tons a weekend's tons of cities and Tuesdays with stories on iTunes with me and Joe list podcast and ladies and gentlemen your show Bert Kreischer thank you for joining us have a great weekend and I hope you take this time to explore your palate find out what you like what you don't like bringing your friends your family cook for them love them share them hair them with other people share your family hey thank you everybody [Music] you

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 946,180

Rating: 4.8553991 out of 5

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, bert kreischer, comedy, comedian, comedians, comedy podcast, bert the machine kreischer, cooking food, cooking show, food, how to, recipe, do it yourself, how to cook, cook, tutorial, chef, baking, you suck at cooking, funny, diy activities, diy projects, jessica kirson, jessica kirson stand up, mark normand, mark normand stand up, Mark Normand: Out To Lunch, Mark Normand Stand Up Special

Id: mISbpnd9O8Y

Length: 69min 9sec (4149 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 08 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/haveYouLookedIntoIt]

I honestly thing this show is the best thing Bert does. I watch 2 bears one cave and his pod sometimes but I feel like he really shines on this show