There are spoilers in this video. Yakuza 0 is a groundbreaking, business management and unhinged violence simulator where the player is tasked with the thorough exploration of people's faces using your fists. In this oriental-inspired entertainment product it's up to you to beat dastardly criminals nearly to death, manage the economy, manage women as a pimp, do the yoinky sploinky, grant pizza to the illiterate and so much more. In the backdrop of a murder mystery crime drama incited by rampant real estate speculation we play as the hard-boiled yakuza Kiryu Zoboomafoo and Goro Meningitis as they prowl the streets of that weird city from Persona 5 along the way, doing an excess of justified self-defense mugging to spend their ill-gotten gains on increasingly odd behaviour. All in an effort to untangle a sinister power struggle taking place within the silly spaghetti people club with such esteemed members as the entire cast of Goodfellas and, uh, Sundowner from the metal goose series. Of course, innocents will be caught in the crossfire. It's an inclusive game. But whether I was on the stage, getting invested in the plot, performing gentrification or just watching literal in-game pornography, I was always held at the edge of my seat wondering what could possibly come next. So despite the darkness and absolute certain murder it maintains a tonal dissonance I can only describe as neck shattering in a way that is always a breath of fresh air. With all this said and done, I invite you to enjoy the bizarre world of Yakuza 0 and the thrilling experience of its dimensional karaoke. [♪ 24-hour Cinderella playing ♪] Chapter 1 - I am wanted for larceny in 9 countries There is no better place to start than with the various methods we employ to atomize people into their base particles. With two playable characters and eight unique fighting styles, there is always variation. And for the blind people in my audience, Yakuza is a beat-em-up in the most literal sense possible, matching the player agains absolute mongolian hordes of strange characters such as goons, bikers, your own yakuza, men in black and chinese men. Don't worry, these delicate hands would never kill anyone. Unless they don't subscribe, ring that like button, smash the bell. We attack using a flurry of different, intricate combos to build our primordial rage meter which we use to cause the real damage in the form of hundreds of completely absurd animations ranging from light jabs to permanent injury and certain death. The beauty in all of this is that, like the beautiful and respectful sounding japanese language, expulsion of our death resource is context sensitive with possibly hundreds of different, entirely unique animations. All dedicated to Kiryu's never-ending war on bones. Are you carrying a giant cone? That's an animation. Are you near a ledge on this one level? Well, not to worry. Or maybe you just have a box. Serve that shit up faster than Fedex. Every single takedown is this gratuitously violent. But don't worry, neither of our characters canonically kill anyone. We just give them lifelong disabilities that are worse than death. Since I'm feeling generous, let's tak about exactly how playing as Kiryu Kazoo, our fighting styles consist of the Brawler, a classic, fast-moving fighting style focused on replicating the police experience. Rush Hour, a quick attacking and dodge heavy moveset well-suited to cowards. And monkey mode, which instantly adds several hundred pounds of muscle mass that you then have to drag around. It's not very good. Switching to our next character: Pirate Captain Goro Majima gives us the Funky Styles. As a thug, we have a wide range of generic moves and the fucking neck snapping power. I don't think they're going to get back up. As a breakdancer. Yes, a breakdancer. We sacrifice takedowns for style in the most absurd and flashy way possible. And as a Slugger, we cheat by pulling out the fucking baseball bat and wield it like nunchucks, letting us hit quite hard and exploit every boss in the game. He just can't do anything. On top of this, there are two secret fighting styles normally completely inaccesible to the player and unfortunately, the process for their acquisition is very interesting. One might say physically painful. As early as chapter 7, you're given the business opportunity of establishing a whore monopoly and Majima takes it with great enthusiasm. To unlock the final fighting style, we will have to run our cabaret club well enough- to unseat the five prostitution daimyo of Japan. It'll be a fun sidequest, I told myself. Just like Oblivion. That's a fun game. Chapter 2 - Oh god I have to speak to women There are many ways to run a high society cabaret club. Like abuse. But a true manager of a great establishment has many factors to consider. Contrary to popular belief, all women are different. But like the caste system, all people can be classified. Our objective is to keep the customer as happy as possible by balancing our women's specializations. Some girls are cute, others are great at conversation and some are skilled. Akina has a degree in Biomedical Engineering. Poor patrons, like me, have very low expectations and can be pleased with rubbing rocks together while wealthy patrons have refined tastes like physical and mental abuse. Every employee has their limits and it's up to you to stretch them as far as possible. Truly, we are the Bezos of cabaret. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be attending the poor people hunt. Of course, as a proper host, it's up to you to attend to every customer whereupon things go from relaxing to batshit. Every time you wait a table, you'll receive a cryptic hand signal from the girl which tells you what the customer desires and if you want to please them, you better remember all of them. What the fuck are you trying to say- I- I don't- I'll be back with a gun. And just in case this wasn't painful, every time you go to a new table the game will throw a fucking flashbang. So over the course of a never-ending grind, I was given the most painful migraine I will ever get in my life. This screen and this music inspire my killing urges. By the way this, game is a beat-em-up. So, to conclude our cabaret adventure, our reward is the Mad Dog Style which allows you to wield a knife and sprint at fucking breakneck velocity, striking your foes like a cracked up doberman and unlocking takedowns that straight up kill people. Oh fuck, that looks pretty sharp. Anyways good luck. Playing with the knife style is absolutely an experience. One that I would never repeat ever again. So when I heard that unlocking the other secret style involved eight hours of the real estate quest, I promptly had a PTSD attack. Kiryu is going to have to do without the poopy-poopy farto style. I have a fucking fish to feed. Take my advice, Yakuza 0 has a lot of side content and if you happen to be a completionist, stay away, or you might just be locked in the Facebook game for three days. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the rest of my day betting on domestic violence. Chapter 3 - How to spend money very responsibly You know, when I first played this game I expected brutal combat. I expected silly takedowns. But what I didn't expect was the hour I spent with the claw machine. I'm having a fucking blast. I don't think I need to play pool for three hours but they just put it in. And let me tell you, nothing sells the fictional world of Japan better than a good night on the town. So at this point, I started wondering what kind of game I was actually playing. It turns out that Yakuza 0 is a lot like reality. You always need more money. Mostly for upgrades where you inject money directly into your arms and collect every vaccine. But secondarily, healthcare never comes free. So every time you take damage, you're gonna have to consume to fill the void inside. Or alternatively, carry thousands of dollars in medicine. There is no limit to juicing. It's no exaggeration to say that Yakuza's difficulty depends entirely on how much of a sigma male you are. Kiryu might not get any pussy, but he is getting paid. You might think that beating up the homeless is the way to go, but that is for babies. If you want to make the real dough, you'll have to risk it all. On gambling! More specifically, betting on scantily clad women beating each other half to death. And because of the copyright music and interesting visuals, putting this in my video represents me betting my real income. Majima however, never has money problems because his cabaret pays him several billion yen. The entire plot of the game happens because we're fighting over one tenth of that. So it's a shame that I lost all of it. Yes. All 10 billion of it. Because I was robbed by a man with fucking orangutan strenght. This is Mr. Shakedown and if you ever encounter him... RUN. It doesn't matter how much you have. It doesn't matter how long you've spent getting it. If you lose to Mr. Shakedown, he will take all 10 biliion of it and then disappear to somewhere. So if you want a cent of that back you'd better go find him... eventually. That's pretty bad. But, like all human suffering, this can become a business opportunity. You see, Mr. Shakedown is actually a form of banking. Whatever amount he robs from you the game will add 15% more. Meaning, if you're up for the challenge of defeating Harambe, the returns are worth it. At least with this method your money doesn't vanish into the void. Of course, that isn't always a bad thing. There's a lot of places to spend our money and most of them are fun. A little too fun, actually. I don't want to have to read the fucking phone book to play some goddamn chinese solitaire. Tabletop Simulator? Never heard of it. The only game I play is Eels and Escalators. What I'm trying to say is: this is a rabbit hole. A good one. My personal favorite was getting addicted to the bowling mini game and then winning the chicken who doubles as a financial advisor. Yakuza is not meant to be questioned and that isn't even the wackiest game. That honor goes to the phone dating which takes the form of a shooter. Yes. Like Call of Duty. To win a date with the girl of our dreams, we are going to have to pick the right responses from a wide variety of options, most of which are insane, like inviting a girl to fight a marsupial. For some reason, women don't like that. But the best possible outings lean heavily on this game's amazing soundtrack which features a number of beautiful karaoke themes, stylish disco tracks and stellar emotional balance. I am of course talking about the karaoke and the dancing which are both incredible in their style and creativity. They are so out there, so truthful and sound so good that I just couldn't get enough of it. In short, they're everything a dance should be. This scene tells me more about Majima than an entire Hideo Kojima script. Kiryu has never killed anyone but let me tell you, this man knows how to murder a dance floor. [♪ Koi no Disco Queen playing ♪] Chapter 4 - Questin' with the bestin' And yet, that's not even half the fun. Because Yakuza 0 contains an array of interesting, meaningful and necessary sidequests which allow the player to engage in a variety of small stories ranging from pizza delivery to replacing a phone battery. That one's a little boring. You can even roleplay as a Persona fan by following a child around the city. Often, these quests will have entirely unique fights and challenges accompanied by complex moral judgement and logic puzzles. In one instance, I was given the task of infiltrating the cult of Munan Chohept Onast whereupon I had to learn the practice of shooreh peepee, the acquisition of kulipaas and the greeting of munancho, at which point the game tested me on their exact definitions. I promptly beat their leader to death. In another instance, Kiryu teams up with the famous movie director Stephen Spinning, known for his hit film "Indian Jeans", to complete a music video with famous international pop star Miracle Johnson. I was hired to beat the extras to death. Now that I think about it, every sidequest ends with a trip to the hospital. Except for the pizza one. That ends in love. It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno. This stands in stark contrast to the actual plot of the game which is played completely straight. Taking everything I've said before into account, you might think this is weird and sometimes it is. One day you might be saving a helpless blind woman and the next abandoning her so you can play Idolmaster for several days. I'm sure that she'll be just fine. But funny anecdotes aside, there is an abundance of real drama and emotion here. Of all the things I expected this game to be, sad was not one of them. Neither did I expect a believable love story or the murder mystery. This game is downright determined to constantly surprise you. Even if it has to stop making sense. In Majima's story, we are sent to kill a buff chinese man before fighting him, teaming up with him to save the innocent and then fighting him again but I changed my mind. This exact arc happens with three separate characters and that's just Majima's story. In fact, despite the game being called Yakuza 0, Kiryu leaves the family. In chapter one. Then he fucking rejoins it. Every antagonist has so much goddamn personality that you just don't know when you're gonna be friends with them. Every man is vying for power and control but each does it for their own distinct reasons. Awano is a Genshin Impact player who only desires money and women. Kuze is a boxer who wants to fight a lot. Shibusawa is obsessed with power and Nishitani is the Joker. Enemies become friends, friends become enemies and Kuze will not leave me alone. The only character who is actually not interesting is essentially chinese Spider-Man. Holy shit. Whose defining feature is that he's ugly. Unless you play the chinese version of the game. Then he's weirdly handsome and also on the cover. But even when playing in the most serious of circumstances, the game still catches you off guard. A tense deal with a yakuza boss can change seemingly at random into a ridiculous combat encounter fighting 90 enraged apes. Or in the case of Majima, a visit to the C.I.A. becoming a fever dream in which you have to fight the buff crossdressers. The game cares more about good gameplay and fun story than actually making sense. It's quite refreshing. When Yakuza gets serious, it really means something and when it's being silly it's absolutely cathartic. Everything has impact. Unless it's a gun. We haven't killed anyone by the way. All in all, Yakuza is more true to life than any other game I've ever played. Not by making sense or being realistic, but emotionally. At the beginning of this game, Kiryu is just kind of a cool buff guy but after exploring his friendships, seeing him have fun and just interacting with people, I realize that this is much more. So when things take a bad turn and we're at our lowest point, you really feel it. More than almost any other game. Yakuza is about life. With all the beautiful ecstasy, awful tragedy and everything in between. Fights are never just fun in Yakuza. They can be comedic, cathartic or just really goddamn cool. Activities make you feel like a part of the world and every cutscene is filled with emotion and personality. When I first played I thought that Yakuza was all over the place. That it was somehow messy. But now I realize that life is fucking messy. And that's okay. I want to thank all of the yakuza bosses who are using my channel to launder money. Kind of like a pizza joint in New York City. If you want to contribute towards the channel and facilitate all of our questionable activities, then I recommend taking a look at my patreon down below. Thank all of you for watching and waiting and of course, don't try to escape. [♪ Baka Mitai by Shun Akiyama playing ♪]
