How to Stop Feeling Nostalgic for an Ex

after considerable agony we've left a relationship we're on our own now and when we can bear to be honest it is a little bit harder than we expected we aren't going on so many dates the central heating broke down last week the shopping is proving a hurdle in idle moments we find ourselves daydreaming returning fondly to certain occasions in the recently concluded relationship there was that wintry weekend by the sea they looked adorable walking on the beach in a thick scarf we fed seagulls and drank cheap wine from paper cups on the seafront and felt connected and happy when newly conscious of the charm of so many things that seemed ordinary at the time coming out of the supermarket putting everything away in the fridge in the cupboards making soup and toasted cheese and watching TV on the sofa with these thoughts in mind we feel weepy and tender and at points distinctly tempted to call the ex up again they would we suspect allow us back or at least give us a hearing what can we make of our feelings it might be that we have realized a genuine mistake but it's even more likely that we are in the grip of a characteristic mental habit of the newly single facing the vertigo of Independence nostalgia in the middle of the 19th century Britain underwent industrial and scientific revolutions that transformed old settled ways of life ripping apart communities throwing people together in large and anonymous cities and dislocating the loyalties and certainties once offered by religion in a search for ways to soften the confusion artists and thinkers began to imagine what a better world might look like and in certain circles the search turned towards the past and more specifically towards the perceived wisdom coherence and contentment of the Middle Ages while railway lines were being laid down across the land and Telegraph cables under the Seas members of the artistic class celebrated the simple innocent communities that they proposed had existed in the 12th and 30 centuries artworks depicted handsome uneducated but happy laborers cheerful villagers celebrating harvests and kindly lords and ladies ministering to the deserving poor there seemed to be no violence alienation fear or cruelty no one minded not having much heating or subsisting on a meager diet of oats in the odd piece of lard it had it was alleged been very much easier back then in the fast cottages and pious stone churches at the heart of the nostalgic attitude is a disregard for why things ever changed and might have needed to do so for the nostalgic the past never required alteration or development history moved on but for no sane reason the complexities of the present moment are in this sense deemed wholly accidental they are not the tricky byproducts of a legitimate search for growth and progress away from what must have been at some level despite the odd delightful occasion perhaps at harvest time or on a midsummer morning an intolerable previous arrangement the nostalgic can't accept that the present whatever its faults came about because of inescapable difficulties with the past they insist that we had already once been perfectly happy then mysteriously changed everything for the worse because we forgot we had been so relationships can find us reasoning no less selectively here too it can feel as if we must once have been content and then grew ungrateful through error and inattention yet in locating profound satisfaction in the past we are crediting our earlier selves with too little acumen the truth about what a relationship is like is best ascertained not when we are feeling low six months or a few years after its conclusion but from what we must have known when we were in its midst when we were most familiar with all the facts upon which we made our slow and deliberate decision to leave the specific grounds for our disaster actions tend to evaporate we edit out the rouse the botched trips the sexual frustrations the stubborn standoffs the mind is a squeamish organ it doesn't like to entertain bad news unless there is a highly present danger to be attended to but knowing our amnesiac tendencies we can be certain that profound unpleasantness must have existed for there would otherwise have been no explanation for on our decision to rip a relationship apart we would never have needed to act if things had ever remotely been as gratifying as we are now nostalgic ly assuming they were the portrait we are painting of our relationship is emerging not from knowledge but from loneliness and apprehension furthermore our sense of ourselves as people who could be satisfied with what was on offer is as untrue to our own nature as is the fantasy of a modern urban dweller who dreams they might find enduring happiness in a medieval-style wooden hut the solution to the problem of satisfying our needs is not to hallucinate that they don't exist it is to square up to them and use every ingenuity we're capable of to devise workable solutions for them we should trust not what we feel now in our weepy disconsolate state but what we must have known then a simple rule of thumb emerges we must invariably trust the decisions we took when we had the maximal information to hand upon which we made them not when we have emotional incentives to change our minds and mould ourselves into a caricature of an easily gratified creature there were persuasive reasons even if in our sadness we now can't remember a single one returning to the past wouldn't make us content it would merely add great cost to all involved remind us of why change was in the end so necessary we need to accept that good things did exist but that there were no proper solution to certain of our well-founded needs it means accepting that we are as complicated and as difficult to satisfy as we are and that the way forward is to accept our characters rather than assume a simplicity we could never live up to we should have the courage of and be ready to pay the full price for our true complex natures love is a skill that we can learn our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck for more click the link now

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 517,851

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Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, how to get over, how to get over a breakup, how to get over a crush, how to get over your ex, how to get over someone, how to get over someone you love, how to stop feeling nostalgic for an ex, PL-RELATIONSHIPS, एक पूर्व के लिए उदासीन महसूस करने के लिए कैसे रोकें, Cómo dejar de sentir nostalgia por un ex

Id: GScIO3KkpZ4

Length: 7min 27sec (447 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 29 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/TittyWarriors]

School of life explains why we often daydream of our ex in positive light and ways to combat it.