Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up

there is a certain sort of relationship that is alternately passionate fiery and painfully unfulfilling and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants a relationship between one person who is a psychologist putted on sh ously attached and another who is avoidant ly attached there is in such couplings a constant game of push and pull the anxiously attached party typically complains more or less loudly that their partner is not responsive enough they accuse them of being emotionally distant withholding cold and perhaps physically uninterested to the avoidant lover for their part stays relatively quiet but in their more fed up moments complains that the anxious party is far too demanding possibly mad and as they put it pejoratively too needy one person seems to want far too much the other far too little the unhappiness unfolds in a cycle at the start the anxious partner loves the avoidant one with great intensity but in time also growing frustration the dissatisfaction grows ever more intense until eventually one day fed up with so much seeming rejection the anxious partner overcomes their fears decides they need something better and tells their lover that they're off at which point the avoidant party undergoes a complete Sur change their greatest fear that of being engulfed in love disappears at a stroke and reveal something that is normally utterly submerged in their character a fear of being abandoned wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed the anxious one may by now have packed their bags the avoidant one gives free rein to all their reserves of pent-up romanticism and ardor which feel utterly safe to bring out now that there seems so little danger of reciprocation despite their fury the anxious person here's the honeyed words and forthright promises and after some initial doubts can't help but be won over the formerly distant partner appears to become in the nick of time as they'd always wanted them to be a warm soul there is no reason not to return after all it's not that they didn't love this person it was the feeling they weren't loved back that was making things impossible for a time there is bliss and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness liberated from their anxiety around engulfment the avoidant partner gives free expression to love liberated from their fear of abandonment the anxious one is left feeling secure and trusting but soon enough the problems return things become as it were too nice for the avoidant partner it seems the anxious one isn't going to leave them anymore they're just gonna stick around and seek ever greater closeness and so the old fear of engulfment returns they have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant which gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner within weeks or months the pair are back in the same situation fierce arguments return the words needy and cold are once more in circulation it's time for another crisis and another threat of departure it may go on like this for years or a lifetime from the outside it is almost fired from the inside simply hellish but there are a few ways out the avoidant party can realize and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment conscious party can grow conscious of their unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people refuse to go back after a crisis and seek a future with more secure and reassuring sorts or yet more hopefully for the couple both partners could acquire a vocabulary of attachment theory they could come to observe their repetitions gains some insight and aspects of their childhoods that drive them on and learn not to act out their compulsions they can learn the games that they're unconsciously playing and then to the relief of all who care for them and the redemption of the relationship they can refuse to play them any longer our book sorrows of love helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love if you enjoyed our film please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 4,132,724

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, anxious, avoidant personality disorder, avoidant attachment, avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style, John Bowlby, attachment theory, attachment therapy, break up, split up together, separate, PL-RELATIONSHIPS, Socios evasivos y ansiosos rompiendo, 避免和焦虑的伙伴分手, Mary Ainsworth, John Gottman

Id: e9EgUvfgojY

Length: 4min 37sec (277 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 02 2018