Why We Need Boundaries

okay here we go this is this okay just just gonna go have a name's father Mike Schmidt and this is ascension presents I have had a number of conversations with a number of people who have told me about what you might call like I don't know if they call them toxic relationships because we're not going that it's not at that degree what it is is might you might call like a vampire relationship that sounds really almost as bad maybe even worse what I mean is it's the kind of relationships that are in your life that just kind of drain you but they're all sort of loads of relationships where you realize I kind of have a responsibility here but it still drains me so we all have those friends right we have those friends or coworkers even family members that okay I have a responsibility to these friends and responsibilities to these co-workers or to these family members but man they just there's a massive drain on me they take actually more than I have to offer and so the temptation of course in that kind of situation is like how do I get rid of that relationship now if that's the call and that's the you know the the response that is adequate is is is the wise response to get rid of that relationship then maybe that's there there's a step before that though that I invite you to contemplate and consider and it's not to cut off the relationship but is to establish some boundaries now in this moment I know a lot of times people are like but that seems like not a very Christian thing to do like that's not what Jesus would do Jesus would be a hundred percent available to 100% of the people a hundred percent of the time and then I would say you need to read your Bible because that's that's not true Jesus of course is very available to many people now he is completely available to all people right in his glory when he was united to humanity on this earth he's still United to humanity in heaven that's a whole nother theological piece but when he was united in his humanity on to his manatee on this earth his humanity wasn't understand available to a hundred percent of the people a hundred percent at the time there were times when he was with the crowds with the people anyone who needed him but there were also times when he would go away just be with his disciples go even further and just be with the 12 apostles even go away further and be with the three and even go way further and just be with his father United in the Holy Spirit like think about how those conversations ago here's Jesus with crowds how clearly he would have had to establish boundaries with them and saying okay I'm leaving now it's just us we're going away or even with the nine when he went away with Peter James and John how we'd have to say okay guys Peter James and John are gonna go off but but we want to come to I'm I'm Peters brother Andrew like sorry Andrew poor guy but here's the boundary the four of us are gonna go or when he went up the mountain by himself to pray I mean imagine imagine all the Apostles like I want to go up with him I want to see what he's like how does he pray in that solitude that the crowds Jesus would have had to establish very clear boundaries you're staying here I'm going up there and if Jesus did that in his humanity United to his divinity newsflash you and I aren't united we don't also have a divine nature to us we participate in God's to mind the whole nother thing but we're just humans right therefore if Jesus had to establish boundaries in his humanity you and I are going to need to establish boundaries and our humanity as well especially with those relationships that are maybe out of control or out of hand why there are people in your life who need you there are people in your life who actually need you and because of that they need you to establish boundaries I've in the course of my I don't play being a priest I've seen a number of occasions where here's someone who's in great need or a family in great need and we have really big hearted parishioners and really big hearted you know students who just I want to help I want to be like Jesus I want to take care of the people who Jesus would take care of and I will always say okay you guys that's wonderful please do that but make sure that there are boundaries what do you mean on two levels at least make sure that there's boundaries as far as like here's what you can do like here's when you're available here's when you're not available secondly here is what this relationship is because you establish it as or here's a relationship of like yeah I'm here to serve you is the hard part I may not also be here to be your on-call friend right and that sounds so callous sounds so cold but ultimately is this if the a here don't establish a boundary will happen is yet you will be there 100% on call everything for six months maybe 12 months if you've got a a lot of kind of lot of juice but then you're fried and they have no one to care for them versus establishing a boundary of saying okay this is well I'm available if I'm not available this is what I'll do this is what I won't do this is the nature of our relationship if it goes into a friendship that's wonderful but the nature of our relationship now is I'm here to serve in this particular area if you do that not only can you actually continue to serve for a really long time you can serve others you also respect the person because you're saying two things you're saying I'm letting you know how you can serve me maybe just one thing I'm letting you know how you can serve me to be able to say hey listen I've got a lot of other things to do so if you respect my boundary that's one of the ways that you can help me continue to move forward you giving them the opportunity to help that's one of the things isn't it so the hardest thing sometimes to be the one who is being helped because you're like how do I give back well how about this I'm available here but not here this is our relationship this isn't our relationship please respect that BAM so simple so helpful and so necessary okay so how do you do this kind of thing well I invite people to keep three things mind one is when you're establishing a boundary rather than cutting off the relationship establishing okay here is what I'm available if I'm not available I can only control what I do I can't control what someone else does and so if I don't establish a boundary then who is to blame I am to blame if I don't establish your boundary if I'm not clear in that communication of yet here's what I know I can do so therefore here is what is available to you here is when I need to go away let Jesus I need to go away and get recharged or I need to go away and be with some friends or I need to go away and be with the family members who aren't this kind of a train like you can only control what you can do not what someone else can do and so if you're not doing those things if you're not establishing the boundary and if you're not also going to those places where you do get you know fed you do get recharged you get close to the Lord again then that's not on them that's on us right so I can only control what I do now what someone else does second thing is I may not be to control what someone else can do but I do control what they get away with and what I mean by that is after you've established the boundary are there consequences for violating the boundary for example you say here's what I can help you and someone says well no I really need help now okay I can control myself and I can't control that they asked for this access that's not actually granted to them it's not open to them so I can control what they get away with the big example I always like to give is me on the receiving end I am NOT always the most punctual of people with everybody I am extremely punctual with some people with who well I'm extremely functional punctual with people who do not let me get away with being late that's that bottom line is they make it very clear father Michael this is the boundary if we're we have a meeting at 6 a.m. and you violate that then I will not let you get away with that so I show up at 5:55 every time I movie that person or those people the others who are like yeah I'm 15 10 15 minutes late like aha a little bit late they're like okay not great this will continue into the future why because I cannot control what someone else can do but I can control what I let them get away with so if you establish a boundary what you need to do you need to have consequences to that number three is okay I can't control what someone else can do only what me I can do right and I can't control what someone else does but what a bigot I let them get away with the third thing is when establishing that boundary how I establish it actually makes a difference like how I say things makes a difference how we say things makes a difference I once had a priest friend who he said you know you know whenever we leave each other like as human beings he said we always say hey I gotta go he's like well I don't always have to go sometimes I just want to go so he said I'm gonna try this thing right in it from now on where I'm just gonna say if I want to go I'll just say I want to go now where I want to end this conversation now instead of I gotta go and so he tried that and it lasted for like a week maybe a week because his brutal honesty was not received very well by people that he was speaking with and so he went back to the euphemism mmm look at the time got to go how we say things how we establish boundaries is so important at least two ways one we are clear to the people that we actually care about them that they mattered to us and we're not cutting off the relationship so we give them an option of like you know that not an option we give them the the affirmation that you know I care and you know I'm going to be there but then we also give them here's where I'm accessible here's where I'm not accessible what I mean by that is say you have a listen this is a great book called boundaries by dr. Henry cloud and dr. John Townsend if you want to get more about this like it's in the book it's so good they use the example of say here's a mom who stops over you grown here's a grown woman she has her family grown and her mother who's a widow stops over all the time unannounced and when she shows up she wants everyone to stop what they're doing and just be with her because she's lonely and so that grown daughter is like I feel so bad for mom and it's not the boundary could be mom before you come over I need you to call to make sure that we're not in the middle of something or if you do come over we love having you here but we can't just stop doing what we're doing please come and hang out with us spend time with us but I still have to get my work done or stuff to get the you know kids projects done all that kind of stuff we sell have to get supper made and so what you're doing is you're saying establishing yes I love you and you're welcome but here's the boundary if you do come over we're gonna keep doing our work we want you to jump in with us or if you do come over we need you to call first that affirms the two things one we still love you still want you and there are some consequences there are some of those have control please the big thing to take away from this is that you can still be a Christian and establish boundaries in fact for so many people who are big hearted Christians the only way you'll be able to continue serving the people around you is if you establish boundaries so hopefully this is helpful to you if it is if it's not comment below like subscribe and let me know how it goes with establishing your boundaries from all of us if a sense presents my name is father Mike god bless [Music] you

Channel: Ascension Presents

Views: 245,287

Keywords: Fr. Mike on Ascension Presents, fr. Mike on boundaries, boundaries in relationships, using and enabling, being a Christian friend, how to be a Christian friend, how to establish boundaries in relationships, why we need boundaries, Fr. Mike on friendship, healthy friendships, healthy Catholic friendships, healthy relationships, Ascension Media, free Catholic content, funny priest, Fr. Mike Schmitz, Father Mike’s Ascension videos, Jesus’ boundaries, boundaries are necessary

Id: nISpzukXrZ0

Length: 11min 18sec (678 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 07 2018