How OnlyFans Monetizes Lonely Men

only fans has created a situation where there's essentially like it's not just a passive consumer anymore right you're actually like forming some kind of relationship with the content creator so i'm addicted to finn dom and only fans i'm a 27 year old virgin male i've been addicted to porn since i was 13. i just recently found out about nofap a few weeks ago and have been trying to turn my life around but i'd say four months ago one of the girls i subscribed to on only fans said i should try findom to see if i liked it and long story short i somehow got addicted to find dom and i can't stop i've probably wasted over 3 500 on finn dom and only fans since then i sometimes feel like i can't get out of this addiction because it's so easy for me to get triggered and lose control i'm not sure if many of you are familiar with findon but it's basically humiliating men for money i'm not sure how i got into it the few girls i have interacted with in the past over text and in real life of laughed and made fun of me because i'm short and still a virgin i've had a bad experience with women all my in my life and sometimes i feel like no woman would ever want me i'm thinking these reasons could be the root of this addiction what do you all think i know this might sound weird but i really wanted i just wanted to inform people to do not try finn dom it's way worse than just porn addiction and it's depressing i really need someone to encourage me to abstain from this and i'd appreciate it if someone could okay so the first thing is that this is a post from the nofap subreddit which i think can be a good subreddit for people to kind of get support so we also want to you know it's not from our subreddit but there are a couple of things i i really like this post because i think it highlights a couple of really important issues that we're facing right now so the first is that pornography is evolving i know it's kind of scary but like so what used to be simple pornography is now evolving to take advantage of so many other psychological vulnerabilities and like neuroscientific niches so we had pornography back in the day right and we know that there's like different kinds of pornography that people would get into but what we started to create now in sort of the realm of pornography are some of these other like evolutions and the reason that these things are evolving is because it's almost like a darwinian situation where someone kind of comes up with a particular idea and then like the market basically determines selects for the things that are the most successful and why are these different things successful it's because they're taking advantage of certain psychological needs that people have so one example of this is only fan so why is like only fans so incredibly successful i think a big part of it is is simply that if you thought about pornography all you could be in pornography was a passive participant you could be a consumer right like you couldn't actually participate you could just consume the pornography so you can watch it but there's no interaction there's no kind of relationship that develops or if a relationship does develop it's wholly within your head and along comes only fans which takes pornography and then adds an element of a real relationship to it right it adds an element of like parasocial relationships so now it's not just like a random person that is like you know triggering some kind of like neuroscientific response to like erotic pictures now it's like i can interact with this person and even in this person's case the person on only fans is making recommendations to me so i'm able to form a relationship so when you take all of the things that are addictive and reinforcing about pornography and what i mean by that is just like visual imagery and sounds of like you know sexual things which activate our brain and like release dopamine and all that good stuff allow us to do things like uh you know calm down our amygdala and and numb out our negative emotions and like internal pain so that like old school porn could do all that now when you have only fans you have the capacity to form some kind of real relationship with this person you can interact with them they'll respond to you you can request things sure there's a price tag for all that stuff but it's only fans has created a situation where there's essentially like it's not just a passive consumer anymore right you're actually like forming some kind of relationship with the content creator we see that parasocial relationship on twitch as well right so like this is the way that the internet is is evolving where people are starting to form relationships with people online now do i think that that's wholesale and negative thing not really because i do think that like like this is a good example of we can use this tool at least in my opinion you're welcome to disagree for good or for evil the fact that you can connect to other streamers like so i still remember you know a lot of people when we do interviews or when people watch streamers they'll connect with the streamer in some way even be inspired by the streamer in some way um you know interact with the streamer in some way and sometimes that can actually lead to like positive impacts right so what one thing that i really appreciate the whole purpose of this stream today is that people are posting questions that give me the opportunity to weigh in on things that are important to you guys so i don't think that this phenomenon is by definition bad i think most things in humanity and most scientific advancements are tools that can either be used for good or evil so let's talk a little bit about finn dom in this person's particular situation so this person kind of says you know for all of you out there don't try finn dom because it's way more addictive than regular pornography or even only fans and so then the question becomes what determines whether a particular kind of pornography or like pornographic thing is more addictive or less addictive than some something else and what i've sort of found after you know working with a bunch of people is that there's a set of psychological vulnerabilities that any given human being may have and now what we're sort of discovering is that there's a an array of different like sexual or pornographic like products that can tap into each of those vulnerabilities the same is actually true for like video games because not everyone plays the same kind of video game right and so there's a lot of interesting research that's coming out of the university of toronto so they developed this model called brain hex which basically looks at a personality analysis and how certain personalities of people will actually prefer certain kinds of video games and so this kind of thing is also true for like other things on the internet so some people get addicted to youtube some people get addicted to reddit some people get addicted to tick tock some people get addicted to facebook right so there's something going on where there are a lot of different products and services out there and depending on your individual vulnerabilities or not even vulnerabilities it could be personality that's you know your individual individual characteristics let's call it that you're going to get addicted to a particular thing so what's going on in this situation and why is it that people get addicted to finndom so i'm not sure about this person because i haven't really interacted with them but in my experience you know there are a couple of really really important things at play here and the first thing to understand is that a fundamental tenet of human psychology is that validation matters more than reassurance so let me explain what that means so when i'm a psychiatrist and i'm working with someone who's suicidal what the default human idea is is that if someone is suicidal you should say if someone says i have no reason to live the default response is to say that's not true you have so many reasons to live look at how awesome you are you've got this this this and this and what we know from a scientific perspective is that that is not very effective at reducing that person's suicidality what is more effective than that is actually validation so i know it sounds kind of weird but as a psychiatrist what i've personally found to be more effective is to you know when i sit with a person who's suicidal is to understand okay like like really listen to them and say i can see why you're suicidal because the truth is that there's there is a lot of stuff in your life that isn't going well and i have to actually validate that i have to start by meeting them where they're at i don't start by assuming that they're wrong and incorrect i start by assuming or trying to understand what is in their mind that helps them come to that conclusion and the cool thing about offering a validating perspective is then that actually makes it more effective when i say hey i understand that you don't feel like you have a whole lot of reasons to live right now but i still i'm gonna respectfully disagree and i do think that you have a lot of reasons to live is it okay if i make my case to you and so that's actually far more effective because human beings on a very fundamental level are looking for validation and this isn't just about suicidality like we actually know that this is a very fundamental part of like human emotion and like the way that our human brain is wired so as an example if you look at studies on kids okay and if you want to freak out a child the easiest way to freak out a child is to have a completely neutral expression and neutral expressions like really really freak people out i know it sounds kind of weird what does a neutral expression have to do with validation because a neutral expression validates nothing so i know it sounds kind of weird but we know that you know when a kid stumbles and falls down if they start crying and they're sad about it and as a parent what do we do we pick up the child we say oh no no no did baby get hurt oh my god poor little baby it's okay it's okay baby i'm so sorry you got hurt oh show me where the boo-boo is let me kiss the boo-boo and make it better so if you look at that kind of response it's a very validating response and it works really really well when kids grow up with non-validating responses they tend to end up with attachment issues so we have a couple of videos about that there's some stuff about that in dr k's guide if y'all are more interested so these kids grow up to be anxious and if you look at like so there's a video on the anxious personality and some people just have anxious personalities and those personalities come from a lack of validation when growing up there's also another really interesting thing about um you know so there's just kind of a side note from medicine so one of my mentors was once telling me that you know you can have psychosis which is like hallucinating and things like that but psychosis is not a diagnosis it's a symptom so sometimes psychosis can be caused by schizophrenia sometimes it can be caused by depression so how can you tell whether psychosis is caused by schizophrenia or how whether it's caused by depression there's a complex diagnostic process but there was a really interesting thing that one of my mentors told me they're like there's a simple like limbic test so like it's kind of a way to test your gut to determine whether the psychosis you're seeing is due to depression or schizophrenia and so what the my mentor told me is ask yourself this question if you're sitting across from a patient if they were on the subway and there was a seat open next to them would you sit down next to them and i know it sounds kind of weird but it's actually a very very good limbic test because people with schizophrenia i know it sounds kind of weird but like even when you see them on the street like you kind of like you can sort of tell and so how is it that your brain can tell the difference between like someone who has schizophrenia and someone who doesn't it actually comes down to flattened affect so affect is the facial expression of emotion and so when people have schizophrenia their affect gets blunted so their like face becomes really really neutral and it sets us on edge because what happens in our brain is like we don't really know what to expect from this person so when someone like you know when you can read someone's emotions it actually makes you like reassured in some way and so blunted affect flattened affect and like there's something about them that just sort of like triggers alarm bells and makes people uncomfortable it happens with kids too so if you look at a kid with a neutral expression it's going to be very like invalidating for what they're feeling right because if they're happy you're not validating that if they're sad you're not validating that and it's going to freak them out so this is the key thing to remember is that validation is a very very core thing that human beings are looking for so now circling back to the fin dom why is it that this stuff is potentially more addictive than only fans of regular pornography and if we look at that person's post we see that this person already has a confidence issue right i'm five foot four women will make fun of me i'm a virgin they even identify in the first sentence of their post i'm 27 year old virgin right it's like the second attribute even before mail so like this person identifies with the idea of being a virgin so this person identifies with sort of being someone that is like going to be rejected by women and along comes findom which are paying women to humiliate him right so why would someone do that why would someone spend more money than maybe they have or they feel comfortable with to have someone treat them like crap like what kind of reinforcement are you getting there because it's like it's creating a negative emotion in them but it's also highly highly addictive or reinforcing behavior right so what's going on there and i think essentially what's going on is that it's incredibly validating right because if we have a particular view of ourself and someone else like takes that view to the extreme and they're offering an extreme form of validation because if you're a five foot four virgin and you don't feel like you're a good person and you don't feel like anyone will ever treat you well you will actually pay money to someone to reinforce that idea with you it's the same reason why we have cognitive biases for people who are narcissistic right so people like who are narcissistic will seek validation from wherever they can because finding concordance with the outside world is really what our brain craves and so if you have a self-esteem problem be really really careful because if you find something that will reinforce your idea of low self-esteem you will actually gravitate towards it we also see this in people who have had abusive relationships because a lot of people wonder like why on earth does this person keep on getting into relationships with abusive people and the short answer i mean i'm oversimplifying stuff it's obviously more complicated than that but the short answer is that when people ha when people have been abused especially when you have childhood abuse you develop an identity of being not worthy right and then something really bizarre happens if you have that identity of not being worthy and that like you're not a good person and you enter into a relationship with someone who treats you with respect the bizarre thing is that people don't feel good about that it actually creates a ton of anxiety they don't actually like it what what happens in the mind of someone who's been abused who enters into a healthy relationship is like they get really confused and they become paranoid they're like why is this person treating me this way like what is going on like when is it going to change like why why are they saying this to me what's their game what are they trying to get i don't understand this doesn't make sense because our brain has has developed this idea of what to expect from other human beings and when things don't line up it makes us deeply uncomfortable the flip side of that coin is validation right so like if you think about i don't know if you guys have been in this situation but you know i remember when i was in school like and i got bullied like there were times where i would engage in being the recipient of bullying because it like made sense to me right like because that's my job is to be bullied like those are the people who are like the the jocks and the captain of the football team and i'm the loser so i'll even engage in situations that replay that kind of idea there's also research on this from the psycho like psychotherapy so there's this idea called the repetition compulsion which is like there's some really interesting papers written about that if you guys want further reading but i think that it's kind of interesting because essentially what's happening with like these evolutions of pornography is that there are these kinds of vulnerabilities and if you have the vulnerability where you feel like you are unworthy of a woman's attention and then you start paying a woman to give you the kind of attention that you feel you deserve it's going to be incredibly validating and incredibly addictive so then the question becomes like you know what do i do about this i don't think abstinence from the thing is sufficient so is it a step in the right direction absolutely but trying to abstain from an addictive behavior without understanding the roots of the behavior tends to be the recipe for relapse and we've seen this time and time and time again like i mean i've seen this as an addiction psychiatrist where people will like you know say like okay this is the last time like i gotta quit i gotta quit i gotta quit but they don't actually do the work to figure out it's not about it's not the fact that you need to quit what you really need to understand if you want to overcome an addiction is not the fact that you need to quit it's to understand what the addiction does for you in the first place what is the addiction doing for you what is the purpose it serves what is the advantage that you gain from engaging in this addiction and once you start to explore that once you get to the roots of where the addiction is born from where it comes from and as you start to address those things the actual addictive behaviors will start to like wither they're like leaves on a tree where once you take out the roots the leaves themselves that's what you see that's what you experience they're all they will all start to automatically wither once you take the root of the problem out so if y'all are struggling with some kind of you know new addiction and i've seen so many of them you got to understand that like this is happening for a reason right that like the internet is a place where it allows for a lot of darwinian selection we see this for video games we see it for content distribution platforms and we even see it for pornography and the kind of pornography that you get addicted to it's not just pornography addiction right it's not one thing there's actually a different kind of psychological process whether you're addicted to pornography or you're addicted to only fans or you're addicted to finndom or you're addicted to another thing all of those things are going to be working on your brain in slightly different ways and so if you want to overcome those specific addictions it involves understanding what is this particular manifestation of pornography doing for me what is the psychological vulnerability that it's kind of exploiting and take advantage of what is it what is it doing for me that other kinds of pornography don't do for me and once you understand what those fundamental psychological needs are then you can start working on them and as you work through those fundamental psychological needs the need for pornography or whatever you're into will actually start to reduce questions so how do you figure out what your needs are so that's a really good question so i'd say that you know so the first thing is you can definitely work with a therapist i saw a couple of posts that people were saying like you know my therapist was like just masturbate less i'm sorry you got a therapist like that sucks you can absolutely work with a therapist for pornography addiction there are people that sort of specialize in it and things like that but i'd say that you can even do a lot of this work on your own right so like you can just ask yourself like you know on a given day like let's say you've got fin dom versus only fans versus like pornography and you'll notice that you're gravitating towards one versus the other so when you gravitate towards it i know it's kind of weird but just ask yourself the question like how does this make me feel compared to something else so if let's say your problem is like only fans versus like let's say pornhub okay and so then ask yourself like what is it about only fans what do i feel when i watch only fans that like what do i feel how is this different and this is where like meditation can actually be really helpful i'm not saying meditation for the purpose of just meditating then it'll get better the purpose of meditation is to learn a systematic way of introspection right so you like kind of close your eyes and like you kind of think about pornhub for a second and then like you kind of like think okay what is this going to do for me what feels unsatisfying about it and then if you look at something like only fans then like you can kind of ask yourself the question there too what feels so satisfying about this what is it about this that that really draws me in and what you'll find is probably something along the lines of like i feel noticed here i feel like i have a relationship i feel a connection to this person and then what you kind of tunnel down into is that okay so like it's not just pornography it's like pornography plus connection so what i really want is like some kind of sexual relationship in which like i feel connected to the other person and once you become aware of your own needs that's the first step to actually overcoming them i do think that this is where like you know a systematic approach and also working with an individual like a therapist i don't know if this is really i want to say that this is probably outside of the realm of coaching so coaches do have a lot of experience with people who are you know addicted to pornography it's like a big part of our community and at the same time i think really at that level you may be better benefited by a therapist as opposed to a coach but you can always give coaching a try um but i think it's just doing good introspective work right it's like really looking at yourself and asking yourself what is it about this that really attracts me are all addictions bad yes i'd say so because i'd say the definition of an addiction is something that impairs function so a lot of people in the early days of healthy gamer would ask me back when we talked primarily about video game addiction how do i know if i'm addicted and the short answer is if it causes a problem it is a problem so how do you draw the line between like a healthy amount of pornography use or an unhealthy amount of pornography use if it starts to cause problems in your life like it prevents you from engaging in relationships if it prevents you from doing other things if you become dependent on it for emotional like suppression or emotional coping then it's a problem so if it causes a problem it is a problem um does the addiction go deeper than i'm lonely and want a girlfriend maybe right that's not something that i can answer so this is like what we try to do at healthygamer is like there isn't a answer to this question so this is why like our approach at healthy gamer is not like and this is what the internet does right so like the internet will have like a blog and in the blogger the person is like here is how you fix this problem or you'll have someone who's like you know one of these success gurus who's like here's the formula to success it's it's a video course that you can purchase that's going to be same the same for every single person out there because it's a guaranteed formula for success if you don't like it your money back guaranteed here's how i make 18 figures a month you know it's it's the formula for success so everyone out there is asking for like what's the right answer so our approach at healthy gamer and this is a big reason why dr k's guide was created the way that it was dr k's guide is not linear right it's like because the idea behind dr k's guide is that one answer is not going to work for every person so if you're struggling with depression there's going to be clinical aspects of it and non-clinical aspects of it what does your depression manifest as is this a sense like are you depressed because you've fallen behind are you depressed because you have protective hopelessness are you depressed because you grew up in an environment with conditional love where your sense of worth is tied to your accomplishments so you can't learn how to be happy unless you're successful so what is the origin of your depression because for different people it's going to be different and this is why what we try to advocate this is why we answer questions like this this isn't just like here are the features of pornography addiction we'll sometimes do that as well but we try to answer these specific questions because the truth is is that pornography addiction is not monolithic it's not one disease it's actually a plethora of different diseases that affect people in unique ways it's the same reason why addiction is not one disease people have a drug of choice right some people get addicted to alcohol some people get addicted to cocaine some people get addicted to marijuana and each of these substances interacts with us in a different way the substances are also a little bit different because it does appear that there's a genetic vulnerability to particular kinds of addiction unclear whether that's true in pornography or not but what i really have seen is that if you want to like overcome your pornography addiction you have to take an individual approach you can use these general principles but that's why like in dr k's guide like a lot of his exercises right that's why we have a coaching program and we started with the coaching program and then did dr k's guide second because what we really found is that to create substantive change in your life you need a personal approach there isn't a formula to success there's just your formula to success your challenges your genetic makeup your circumstances your living conditions your traumatic experiences your strengths the things that you're good at the things that you're passionate about the things that you're inspired by all of those are highly individual so if you want to put your life together it involves understanding all of those factors you know a walkthrough only works if everyone has the same is if everyone is playing the same game and starts from the same location you guys get that the only reason we can have a stock walkthrough on the internet is because everyone spawns in the same place in a video game you can't create a walkthrough when there are a thousand different spawn points it's impossible so this is the big problem is that like everyone out there is giving stock solutions to shared problems but it's been my experience and i may be heavily influenced because i'm a clinician right so i tend to work with individuals is that if you want to put together your life you can't use a stock solution you have to use an individual solution so going back to am i does it does the addiction go deeper than em i am lonely and want a girlfriend it could right but for some people getting a girlfriend will be enough for some people engaging in a relationship that offers authentic connection and has a sexual component will definitely help reduce the porno the pornography use or whatever and for some people it may be insufficient right because for some people who get a girlfriend we've heard this a lot by the way that once you get a girlfriend like the pornography becomes really weird and you get filled with guilt because you're watching pornography because your brain is habituated to it right so it's not just like it's not a psychological vulnerability at some point it gets becomes a habit so now if i'm habitually addicted to pornography and i start having a relationship with a woman i will feel guilty because like i have these habits this habit circuitry that causes me to still watch pornography because you can't drop it like a you know can't drop it like that and then once i feel guilty then what that guilt does is pushes me more towards pornography because there's good evidence that pornography is used as an emotional coping mechanism so the more guilty you feel the more pornography you watch the more pornography you watch the more guilty you feel because you've got a girlfriend and then you don't want to tell her and then at some point she finds out and then you're embarrassed and she feels upset she feels like she's not enough for you she gets concerned that you're she's not enough for you and then she starts crying and then you feel even guilty and it's back to the porno it's like it's a whole vicious cycle right and it comes down to understanding what is the pornography doing for you is it a source of emotional coping and once you understand that then you can hopefully have a conversation with her and you can have a conversation with your girlfriend and it's like you know hey like i've been doing this for a long time like i really value you i care about you you know i find our sexual relationship to be gratifying and you know it's something that i'm working on like and then like it's about also about like communications and asking questions right it's about asking your girlfriend how do you feel when i watch pornography how does it make you feel when i do this are you okay with it are you not okay with it is it okay that like i don't like it actually is it okay if i share that right so it's about communication it's about understanding these are the bedrocks that we try to like instill in people in healthy gamer

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 96,680

Rating: 4.9728251 out of 5

Keywords: discord onlyfans, doctor k, dr k onlyfans, dr kanojia, dr.k, drk, findom, healthy gamer gg, healthygamergg, how onlyfans monetizes, mental health, onlyfans, onlyfans dr k, psychiatrist, twitch

Id: JxGRqZWdc5U

Length: 28min 42sec (1722 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 28 2021