Why Are Narcissists So Argumentative?

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] okay i'm going to begin today with a pop quiz and i want to see if you can get the answer to this question correct all right the question is simply what is the most frequently used word in any argument with a narcissist that's real simple it's that little three-letter word you how many times have you engaged with that individual and you've tried to talk with them about differences or problems that may have come along it may not even be anything very harsh and controversial but they just don't like the way you're doing things here comes that little word you you should have done this and you can't do anything right or i already told you this and they put that focus on you to try to back you into a corner because it's their way of trying to get out of any kind of responsibility that you're trying to engage with them on in healthy relationships we don't overuse that term you and we don't try to back people into corners in healthy relations here on team healthy with our channel here we like to emphasize things like showing understanding or learning about one another or having a sense of coordination with each other there are times when you do need to preserve yourself but self-preservation is not the same as entitlement and and and and going into some sort of a selfish kind of mode narcissist when disagreements come along cannot do that it's so important for you to recognize that they operate with a very fragile ego and because of the fragile ego they're not able to be objective that's a gross understatement frankly because of their fragile ego they consistently use blame and accusation as a go-to coping mechanism because of their fragile egos they're unable to manage stress or tensions successfully they're a disaster waiting to happen when stress comes along because of the fragile ego inside a narcissist they tend to be drawn by raw impulse whatever the mood of the moment is because of their fragile ego they have little inner strength to draw upon because of their fragile ego they have a very shaky foundation for of self-esteem that is guiding them because of their fragile ego they have low regard or care or concern for the feelings that they generate in you and some of the hurt that they can perpetuate it's all about that fragile ego that they bring to disagreements and once the disagreements do begin to show up and an argument ensues here comes all of their hard narcissistic characteristics in disagreements these fragile narcissists this is why they will go into the heavy control mode forget the fact that you have a free will it's like not in my case you don't they just have to stay in control of you because they fear uh your differences they go heavily into that entitled attitude don't you remember everything is supposed to go my way and again forget any sense of equality in that fragile ego they have a pathological defensiveness that they bring to differences and arguments they they simply cannot be open uh you can forget about that and in addition part of the narcissism then in the midst of their uh in as they disagree with you they'll bring what we we refer to as alternate reality in other words forget what's true they just make stuff up as they go along facts don't matter just whatever they declare as part of their narcissism in their disagreements they will be manipulative out the wazoo there is no sense of fair-mindedness with them whatever angle they have to have then that's what they're going to go with and then in addition they will ditch any sense of empathy whatsoever there's no sense of mutual regard and understanding and they keep going back to that same little bitty word you somehow or another when they disagree with you and with despite all of this fragility and all of these narcissistic traits when you go into a disagreement they become highly argumentative and it illustrates one very large truth and that is you're dealing with an emotional weakling now they can come across or try to as being strong and overpowering and stubborn and all of that but make no mistake these are emotional weaklings it's so important as you have these this this argumentative attitude that these people bring for you to understand what's really going on behind the scenes because the more you know about who they are and and why they do the things they do then the more objective you can be in the way that you respond to them it's important for you to know that these are indeed fear based people for example let's suppose that you do say i don't agree with what happened here or i'd like for us to try something different how hard is it to simply say i'm willing to listen to that narcissists can't do that they fear your separate opinions what's that all about and it really comes down to their deep history of not knowing how to trust and having paranoia and worried about what you're going to do to me when in fact you're saying i'm just trying to come to terms with something that's different they're they're too fear-based to be able to to do that it's also important for you to recognize that narcissists are down at the base fundamentally unhappy people now they may at times try to present themselves as jovial but when you realize how commonly they come at you with criticisms and agitation and annoyance and irritability it's like underneath the surface is this uh this whole library if you will of unresolved feelings and hurt and disillusionment with life they bring all of that unhappiness with them when you start to disagree and they start going into that highly argumentative mode it's also important for you to recognize that they're very shame shame-based in the way that they think somewhere in their past they began realizing if there's a difference and somebody's angry or hurt somebody's going to be shamed here and i don't want it to be me and so what they do is they devise a strategy says i know what i'm going to do i'll be the one who pronounces shame that way if i pronounce shame on other individuals then that gets me off the hook and so part of their argumentativeness is their way of trying to divert the tension from the shame that they fear is going to come their way and so they just put it all on to you also it's very important for you to recognize that these individuals operate with a very low level of emotional intelligence i know that's a term that's been come very popular in the last two three decades in particular but people with emotional intelligence have thought through who they want to be and how they want to manage life and strains and difficulties and they have a well-conceived plan about how to uh to engage with other individuals in a way that can work both ways for both individuals it's like no that's something that they just simply have not embraced in the least uh they uh they use belittlement and they think yeah belittlement that's a that's a really good strategy and and so how are you going to deal with something like that in addition it's also important for you to know that when narcissists go into that you oriented argumentative style they're actually trying to avoid any sense of accountability to them the word accountability is a dirty word it's like i don't want to do that and so let's try to figure out when you're dealing with a narcissist who's argumentative and that's just what they bring to the equation there are multiple things for you to uh for you to determine first and foremost and that is do not respond in kind i've had so many people who ask well don't you think if they kick me in the shins ought to just kick them right back in the shins and i'm thinking i don't want to be the same way as that person i don't want to join in their uh irresponsibility and their dysfunction and say well i can do it just like you in my mind it's it's bad enough that one person is being grossly your responsibility one's enough i don't want to jump in there and make it a twosome now if possible when you engage with that argumentative narcissist try to find at least a little something that uh you can agree with them on for in other words try to create a a neutral ground okay i understand that this is important to you or you've said such and such and you've made your point and i know that that's something that that matters quite a bit i'm hearing you it it be the kind of person that doesn't just go straight into the point counterpoint uh show yourself to be somebody that can be objective but then in addition now what we're going to say is they're not likely to appreciate that at all and so what you'll have to do is to continue setting yourself as an other kind of person in the sense that i'm i'm not going to be your your arguing buddy i'm not going to be a counterpart with you i think differently and i'll explain how i think differently in this if necessary and i'm glad i think differently the the ultimate thing that you can do when you're engaging with that argumentative narcissist is to establish in your mind what you know are proper boundaries and stipulations and assertiveness for you to live upon and then follow through for example i've chosen to do this and when they say well i think that's stupid like i know i'm gonna do it anyway or uh this is uh this is my belief and i'm sticking with it and if they tell you how you just don't know what you're talking about it's like well it makes sense to me and stay with who you are and and follow through and and don't don't go into the defending and and uh the point counterpoint because that's just you getting into the into the pig pen with them and you know how that's going to work out now we're just going to say arguing with a foolish person makes you look foolish and trying to convince someone is not a good relationship strategy if i have to try to convince a person how correct i am we're not getting anywhere this is not a competition arguing is an ineffective communication style basically when you go into arguments with that narcissist you're just making noise i don't want to be that kind of noisemaker instead you owe it to yourself to stay dignified uh even if the other individual doesn't know how to do dignity with you you're on team healthy you can give them dignity respect and civility and if that's not enough then like i say you set your stipulations and you look for the exit i hope that the videos such as this can give you some good food for thought and help you understand you know you're dealing with something that's bigger than what they're trying to make it out to be there's a lot going on underneath the narcissist and so if you hit that subscribe button we'll have more videos that can come your way i it i truly appreciate being a part of your learning trajectory and i like you allowing me to be on your journey with you thank you for allowing that to be the case many times you'll think to yourself i certainly have a need to unpack this with a therapist and if you have someone that's available in your area i would encourage you to seek that out if you don't we have a sponsor that can take you to online therapy there's a link below that can carry you to that there's a whole team of people that you can choose from and i would strongly encourage you to allow somebody to help you sift this out because narcissists are just known for just untangling things in your life in an unruly kind of way you need that objectivity in your life in addition we have my courses free to be about setting boundaries this is me about establishing who you are despite the controllers uh there are multiple videos and teaching points and questions that go along with that it's very extensive and requires a lot of work for you but it can be highly therapeutic also we have my books and other resources below narcissists they're just known for being argumentative they're stubborn you can't get through to them and the more you know about what's going on inside of them the more you can plan cleanly how you're going to be the better alternative and in doing so you position yourself to be both a giver and one who lives peace [Music]

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 106,695

Rating: 4.9494219 out of 5

Keywords: anger, aggressive people, controlling people, psychology, Dr. Les Carter, malignant narcissism, covert narcissist

Id: SJ2glL8L_I8

Length: 13min 45sec (825 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 24 2021