Whole Foods Apologies

FOLKS, I LOVE SHOPPING AT WHOLE FOODS. BECAUSE I LOVE ORGANIC PRODUCE AND I CANNOT STAND HAVING MONEY. (LAUGHTER) SO IT REALLY BE BUMMING ME OUT TO SEE WHOLE FOODS GETTING INTO A WHOLE LOT OF ORGANIC, NATURAL, GLUTEN-FREE TROUBLE. THEY WERE CAUGHT ROUTINELY OVERSTATING THE WEIGHT OF ITS PACKAGED PRODUCTS. (AUDIENCE REACTS) A LOT OF GUYS DO THAT. (LAUGHTER) THEN, IN AUGUST, THEY HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR CHARGING PEOPLE $6 FOR A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING CALLED ASPARAGUS WATER WHICH WAS JUST A BOTTLE OF WATER WITH THREE STALKS OF RAW ASPARAGUS INSIDE. EVIDENTLY, THAT WAS A SCANDAL. PERSONALLY, I NEVER HEARD OF ASPARAGUS WATER, SO I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE STANDARD IS FOR ASPARAGUS WATER. BUT TO ME, IF YOU PUT ASPARAGUS IN WATER, YOU'VE MADE IT. JUST LAST WEEK, WHOLE FOODS HAD TO ISSUE YET ANOTHER SEMI APOLOGY. >> WHOLE FOODS WILL NO LONGER SELL PRODUCTS BY PRISON INMATES. REFORM ADVOCATES SAY WHOLE FOODS IS PROFITING OFF SALE OF PRODUCTS PREPARED BY INMATES WHO AREN'T PAID MUCH. SOME SELL TILAPIA AND GOAT CHEESE MADE BY A COLORADO INMATE PROGRAM. >> Stephen: PRISON LABOR? BUT EVERYTHING AT WHOLE FOODS IS SUPPOSED TO BE CAGE-FREE! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHY IS THAT POSSIBLE? DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT! THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. THE WHOLE TIME, I THOUGHT FARMER BOB WAS MAKING MY GOAT CHEESE! TURNS OUT, IT WAS SOME GUY NAMED "SPIDER"! (LAUGHTER) >> APPARENTLY, SINCE 2001, WHOLE FOODS HAS BEEN PARTNERING WITH A COMPANY THAT EMPLOYS PRISONERS TO MILK GOATS AND RAISE THE FISH, CALLED COLORADO CORRECTIONAL INDUSTRIES. YES, THEIR MOTTO, "OUR CHEESE IS AGED 25-TO-LIFE." (APPLAUSE) I HAD TO HAND IT TO WHOLE FOODS. THEY DID THE RESPONSIBLE THING AND STOPPED IT AS SOON AS THEY WERE CAUGHT. JUST LIKE THE PRISONERS WHO MAKE THEIR FOOD. I'M SURE THIS IS NOT THE LAST TIME THEY GET CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING, SO I WOULD LIKE TO HELP THEM GET AHEAD OF ANY FUTURE SCANDALS WITH SOME PRE-APOLOGIES ON THEIR BEHALF. WHOLE FOODS WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LABELING SOMETHING ORGANIC CHICKEN THAT WERE ACTUALLY STRAY CATS WITH BEAKS GLUED ON THEM. (LAUGHTER) WHOLE FOODS WILL NO LONGER MAKE OUR PIZZA CHEF FIGHT IN THE PIT WITH THOSE WOODEN PADDLES! (LAUGHTER) FROM NOW ON, OUR GROUND CHUCK WILL BE LABELED PROPERLY. WE'LL INCLUDE CHUCK'S LAST NAME SO YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU'RE EATING! (LAUGHTER) FROM HERE ON OUT, I PROMISE, OUR VEGGIE BURGERS WILL NOT JUST BE BAR COASTERS SOAKED IN M.S.G. IT IS OUR SOLEMN PLEDGE THAT OUR CASHIERS WILL NOW ADD UP THE COST OF YOUR PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF JUST TYPING IN THE HIGHEST NUMBER THEY CAN THINK OF. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OUR EXOTIC WORLD FOODS SECTION WILL NO LONGER CARRY PRODUCTS FROM NARNIA, SAN NADU AND FUNKY TOWN. (LAUGHTER) WHILE YOU'RE SHOPPING, OUR EMPLOYEES WILL NO LONGER BREAK INTO YOUR CAR AND RIFLE THROUGH YOUR GOVERNOR COMPARTMENT FOR PAINKILLERS TO GET OUR PIZZA CHEF'S HOPPED UP BEFORE THEY FIGHT IN THAT PIT. YOU'RE W WELCOME, WHOLE FOODS. THANK ME WITH A TASTY PIZZA PLATE FREE SPIDER.

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 1,145,311

Rating: 4.899024 out of 5

Keywords: The Late Show, Stephen Colbert, CBS, Dave Letterman, The Colbert Report, Late Show, celebrity guests, celebrity interviews, celebrities, late night, late night talk show, talk show, skits, bit, monologue, The Late Late Show, late night show, david letterman show, david letterman, the ellen show, the tonight show, tonight show, sketches, comedian, impressions

Id: BP4tcknH5n4

Length: 4min 17sec (257 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 06 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/gilbes]

Whole Foods profits from prison slave labor. People might get the wrong message about how prisoners are used as slaves in this country that imprisons more people than any other. Whole foods isn't even the tip of that iceberg; it is a snow flake.

[u/Scarbane]

It's just a matter of time until someone finds a shiv in their tilapia.

[u/CaptainObvious1906]

Good to see Colbert coming into his own as a Late Night host. The episodes before this that I'd seen weren't funny at all.

[u/Aerik]

whole foods would've done better to, say, I dunno, pay those prisoners a living wage.

the cage thing is pretty good, too, though.

[u/g-dragon]

what's wrong with his ears

[u/temujin64]

Deadly buzz.

[u/[deleted]]

Whole foods and the rest of the organic mafia are absolute scum