IS OUR 20th SHOW, AND SO FAR,
IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN. THIS IS MY FUN FACE. (LAUGHTER)
BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN A VOYAGE OF SELF-DISCOVERY FOR ME. YOU SEE, I SPENT NINE YEARS ON
TV LYING ABOUT MY IDENTITY. I AM STEPHEN COLBERT. BUT FOR ALL THAT TIME, I WAS
STEPHEN COLBERT, LOUD ANGRY MAN WITH HIS OWN ICE CREAM! ALL RIGHT? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BUT HE'S GONE NOW. HE'S GONE NOW. LUCKILY, THE ICE CREAM IS STILL
AROUND. (<i> CHEERS AND APPLAUSE </i> )
MMM! OH! COME TO ME, MY WAFFLE CONE
LOVER! MMM! MMM! SO PART OF THAT GUY WILL ALWAYS
BE IN HERE IN THAT MY AORTA NOW HAS A CARAMEL CENTER. (LAUGHTER)
THE QUESTION STILL HAUNTS ME, WHO AM I REALLY? HOW CAN ONE EVER TRULY KNOW
ONE'S SELF WHEN WE'RE TRAPPED IN OUR OWN IDENTITY. ARE MY EMOTIONS NOTHING BUT
CULTURALLY CONDITIONED RESPONSES, OR IS IT ME WHO
LIKELY ENJOYS TACO BELL'S CRUNCH WRAP? CAN ANYONE TRULY BE SAID TO BE
LIVING<i> MAS?</i> (LAUGHTER)
(<i> CHEERS AND APPLAUSE </i> ) THAT'S BETTER THAN YOU THINK. SO WHILE I MAY SAY THAT I AM
STEPHEN COLBERT, THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW IF I AM STEPHEN COLBERT
WOULD BE TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST. AND THAT'S DUMB. (<i> LAUGHTER </i> )
AND IT IS SOMETHING I DO TONIGHT IN THIS, THE SECOND INSTALLMENT
OF MY APPARANTLY MORE THAN ONE- PART SERIES, "STEPHEN COLBERT'S
WHO AM ME?" (<i> THE WHO'S "THE REAL ME"
PLAYING </i> ) TO UNDERGO LIE DETECTION, I SAT
DOWN WITH POLYGRAPH EXPERT JOHN LESSIO. I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO AM
ME. HOW COULD A POLYGRAPH HELP? >> POLYGRAPHS ARE USEFUL FOR
MANY REASONS. NUMBER ONE, TO HELP DETERMINE IF
SOMEBODY IS BEING DECEPTIVE ABOUT A SPECIFIC ISSUE. >> Stephen: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? >> ABOUT YOU? >> Stephen: WHY DO YOU ASK? I AM STEPHEN COLBERT. THAT'S MY NAME. ARE WE DONE HERE? I'D LIKE A LAWYER PRESENT. >> I'M NOT GOING TO ARREST YOU. >> Stephen: I'M NOT UNDER
ARREST. SO I CAN GET UP AND WALK OUT. THE DOOR'S NOT LOCKED. >> YOU CAN WALK OUT ANY TIME YOU
WANT. >> Stephen: ♪ BUT YOU CAN NEVER
LEAVE... WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS WILL YOU
BE ASKING ME? >> I'LL BE ASKING YES/NO
QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: YES/NO QUESTIONS. AND WHY DO YOU ASK ONLY YES/NO
QUESTIONS? PLEASE ANSWER WITH ONLY YES OR
NO. (<i> LAUGHTER </i> )
>> NO. >> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. I WAS TESTING YOU. YOU'RE GOOD. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS YOU
CAN TELL PEOPLE ARE LYING? >> THINK ABOUT THIS, WHEN YOU GO
TO SLEEP AT NIGHT A, DO YOU TELL YOURSELF TO BREATHE? >> Stephen: I DO, I REMIND
MYSELF RIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP. KEEP BREATHING, LIKE MAYBE 40
TIMES IN MANHATTAN. >> DO YOU TELL YOUR HEART TO
BEAT? >> Stephen: I TELL MY HEART TO
BE FREE AND TO LOVE WHO IT WANTS. >> THE THINGS I JUST DESCRIBED
ARE THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL, ENIF YOU DO SPEAK TO YOURSELF. >> Stephen: HOW DEEP DOES THE
RECTAL PROBE GO? >> NO RECTAL PROBES. >> Stephen: THEY CUT THAT OUT
OF THE TEST? >> IT'S INTERESTING YOU SAID
THAT. I HAVE A MOTION SENSOR. >> Stephen: THAT TAKES THE
PLACE TO HAVE THE RECTAL PROBE? >> IT BASICALLY WILL MONITOR
YOUR LOWER EXTREMITIES. >> Stephen: WHAT MOVEMENTS AM
I SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING? >> WIGGLE YOUR TOES, FLEX
CALVES. >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT KAGLES. IT WILL INTERFERE WITH YOUR
POLYGRAPH RESULTS. >> Stephen: WHAT IF I'M DOING
ONE NOW? >> IT WILL KEEP A LOT OF WORK
KEEPING YOU FOCUSED. >> Stephen: OKAY, GREAT. I FEEL LIKE LIFE, IF I CAN USE
THAT TERM IS SOMETHING THAT YES IT'S GOING TO BE HONEST ABOUT
BUT SOMETIMES WE'RE IMPROVING WITH EACH OTHER. DO YOU DO THAT? >> NO. >> Stephen: NAME AN OBJECTION. OFTBALL. >> Stephen: ANOTHER ONE. BASEBALL. >> Stephen: NOT SPORTS. LADIES' SHOES. >> Stephen: SHOES. AND AN OCCUPATION. >> HOW ABOUT WE USE ACCOUNTANT. >> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WE GO. BASED ON YOUR SUGGESTION OF
LADIES' SHOES AND ACCOUNTANT -- (LAUGHTER)
I GOT NOTHING. MORNING, DOCTOR! OH... GREAT SOFTBALL GAME! AHHH! I'M NOT GOOD AT. THIS I GUESS I'M NOT A GOOD
LIAR. I'M AN HONEST PERSON. >> ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, ONE
BEING HONEST, TEN BEING DISHONEST, WHERE DO YOU FALL? >> Stephen: GIVE ME THE SCALE
AGAIN. >> ONE TO TEN. >> Stephen: TEN IS GOOD? TEN IS GREAT. >> Stephen: THEN I'M A TEN. WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT. DID YOU JUST READ ME? >> YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGURE ME
OUT JUST LIKE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT YOU. >> Stephen: I'M NOT TRYING TO
FIGURE YOU OUT. >> HUMAN NATURE. CAN'T HELP IT. >> Stephen: I CAN HELP MYSELF. I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN
ORGASM. EVER HELPED YOURSELF? >> QUITE A FEW TIMES. >> Stephen: OKAY. GOOD, THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST
ABOUT THAT. I'VE HEARD MANY SOCIOPATHS ARE
ABLE TO FOOL POLYGRAPH TESTS. IS THAT TRUE? >> THERE'S BEEN NO CASE STUDIES
ABOUT SOCIOPATHS. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU MET A
SOCIOPATH? >> NOT YET BUT --
>> Stephen: SO YOU WOULD RECOGNIZE ONE IF YOU SAW ONE? >> ONLY BY THEORY. >> Stephen: THEY TREAT LIVING
AS A HUMAN SOMETHING THEY HAVE TO STUDY. >> YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT
SOCIOPATHS. >> Stephen: IT'S JUST A HOBBY. I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH BUT I LIKE
KNOWING WHAT THEY'RE LIKE SO IKO OCCASIONALLY PRETEND TO BE LIKE
THEM BUT I'M NOT. I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH. I'M AN ENTERTAINER. ENTERTAINERS ARE PEOPLE WHO
PRETEND TO BE OTHER HUMAN BEINGS SO THAT OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WILL
LIKE THEM. SOCIOPATHS PRETEND TO BE OTHER
HUMAN BEINGS SO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WILL THINK THEY'RE HUMAN. THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE. >> Stephen: SO MAKE YOUR SKITS
SCHIZOPHRENIC? --
>> SO MAKES YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC? >> Stephen: NOT AS FAR AS I
KNOW. >> LET'S GET TO IT. >> Stephen: LET'S LOSE THE
PANTS. I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY
REGRETTABLE ABLGZS. TURNS OUT, I DID NOT HAVE TO
TAKE OFF MY PANTS. AND WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THESE ON
MY FINGERS? SO I CAN'T CROSS MY FINGERS WHEN
I'M LYING? I WAS WRAPPED, STRAPPED AND THE
PROBES WERE SNUG AS A BUG WITH FANCY SQUIGGLES. JOHN COULD TELL IF ANY PART OF
MY BODY WAS BEING DISHONEST. >> Stephen: ARE YOU READY FOR
THE TEST? >> DO I HAVE TO ANSWER HONESTLY? NO. >> Stephen: THEN YES. REMAIN STILL. REGARD WHO YOU REALLY ARE, DO
YOU INTEND TO ANSWER TRUTHFULLY ABOUT THAT? >> Stephen: YES. ARE YOU A COMEDIAN? >> Stephen: YES. UNLESS NO IS A FUNNIER ANSWER. >> DO YOU WORK FOR CBS? >> Stephen: WORK IS A STRONG
WORD. >> YES OR NO, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: YES. I WORK FOR CBS. THE GREATEST TELEVISION NETWORK
EVER. >> ARE YOU THE HOST OF "THE LATE
SHOW"? >> Stephen: YES. UNLESS THIS IS AN ELABORATE
PRANK BEING PULLED BY JIMMY KIMMEL. ARE YOU -- DUDE! I SEE THE CAMERA! RIGHT DOWN THERE! YOU GOT ME! YOU GOT ME, KIMMEL! YOU'RE GOOD! WAIT A SECOND -- THAT'S JUST
GUILLERMO! THEY SHAVED GUILLERMO! >> YES OR NO? >> Stephen: YES. JOHN CONTINUED TO GRILL ME FOR
WHAT MAN TADGED INTO 20 SECONDS. >> I'M HALVESIES ON THAT. ARE YOU OKAY, STEPHEN? >> Stephen: GOT ME, I STOLE
THE NAME DON DRAPER DURING THE KOREAN WAR AND SOLD MY STORY TO
MATTHEW WARNER. ARE YOU HAPPY? FINALLY THE BIG QUESTION. >> ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT? >> Stephen: WHAT IT SAYS ON MY
BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO CARD, STEPHEN COLBERT. ALSO, IS THERE A BLOCKBUSTER
AROUND HERE? BECAUSE I GOT TO RETURN MY COPY
OF THE PELICAN BRIEF. >> YES OR NO, STEPHEN. ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT? >> Stephen: YES. THIS TEST HAS ENDED. PLEASE REMAIN STILL. >> Stephen: OKAY, JOHN. GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT. WHO AM ME? >> WELL, STEPHEN, WHEN I LOOK AT
THE QUESTION, ARE YOU STEPHEN COLBERT, IT'S CONCLUSIVE TO SAY,
IN FACT, YOU ARE STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: YES! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: YES! THAT WAS THE ANSWER I WAS
LOOKING FOR! WHOO! WELL, THERE IT IS. I AM BEING HONEST ABOUT WHO I
AM. I JUST HAVE NO HONEST IDEA OF
WHO ME IS. BACK TO YOU, STEPHEN. WHOEVER YOU ARE. >> Stephen: THANKS, STEVE. I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER
MYSELF.
