- It's a new song, it would go like: ♪ Cotton candy and we're twerking ♪ (Noah laughing) ♪ And we're all having a good time ♪ ♪ Ro-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ (Noah and Saige laughing) (warm triumphant fanfare) - Hello! - [Button] Nut, nut, nut, nut, nut. - Welcome back to "Board AF," today, we are playing the game, "Exist." In "Exist," we will try and
survive ridiculous scenarios. We have some examples
laying here on the table, your opponent, intergalactic strippers, your location, a dentist's office, and the wild card is that
you have active diarrhea. With the cards in your hand,
you will have seven resources. You choose one of them to play in any kind of "Cards Against
Humanity" setting game, the same style. You will
play it to the judge, and they will vote on who
is most likely to survive, or at least the funniest
story of survival. - Like, Noah might be like, here's how, what I think would actually do to decide, so I'm gonna go with this person, but Shayne's gonna be like, you know what? I think it's funny because
you mentioned Judi Dench, and I think she's great.
- Yeah. - Right. - [Damien] And she's my best friend. - That's correct. - I do love to talk about Judi Dench. - I mean, who doesn't? - I'm ready to get into it. - Let's play a game! - [Noah] Oh, we're about
to do it? (fists thumping) - I will judge you all
first. (snapping fingers) - [Damien] Lovely, oops. - All right, everybody, we are going to put up our first scenario. - Whoo! - [Saige] You're at Shanghai a nightclub. - Nice!
- Nice, going to. - [Noah] Oh boy! - [Saige] You're fighting solar flares! - Nice.
- Oh my gosh. - [Saige] And unfortunately,
there's an avalanche! - Oh my God, solar
flares and an avalanche? - [Damien] Oh my God. - There are solar flares and an avalanche in a Shanghai nightclub. Please tell me how you are coming out of this scenario alive. - All right, so, I am going
to survive this situation because I have a presidential pardon. Now, I don't know if you know this, but a presidential
pardon is very powerful. It literally, you can do it
if you have committed crimes, and you can do it for crimes
you may commit in the future, or crimes that you may
have committed in the past. You don't have to be general at all, but they pretty much
absolve you of most things, at least in the United States,
which is where I reside. Now, this nightclub is in Shanghai, but that's just a short plane ride away. So what I will do is I'll
immediately make for the exit, I'll do everything in my
power to trample over others. I will go, I will commit any crime needed to ensure my survival, because
I'll be absolved of it. So, if that's using people
as warmth for the avalanche, or if that's using people as sunglasses for the solar flares, I will survive. - I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't think that you had
it, but you got there. (laughs) - All I'm saying, I do what I need to. - I didn't think you were gonna be able to tie that back around. Shayne, how are you gonna survive? - An alternate reality. - Ooh!
(Saige gasps) - Now, I will open up
this alternate reality, and in this alternate reality,
avalanches are cotton candy. - [Saige] Oh my God. - And solar flares are
twerking backup dancers. Uh-oh, suddenly we're in
a Katy Perry music video. (Noah and Saige laughing) Everything is just
fine, we're doing great. Not only have we eliminated the threat, we're now having a blast. We're all plastic bags.
(Noah laughs) - What does it sound like? - It's a new song, it would go like: ♪ Cotton and we're twerking ♪ (Noah laughing) ♪ And we're all having a good time ♪ ♪ Ro-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ (Shayne, Noah, and Saige laughing) - Okay, I like it, okay. - It sucked. (Shayne laughs)
- But. - It was a bad one.
- Well, Damien? - Yes-
- You have an extra prop. - I sure do, and thank goodness, because it really makes
everything come together. - [Saige] We held polls
in Twitch chat for a prop that one of the cast members had implement into their story each round. - Now, when you think
of Shanghai nightclubs, what do you think of? Say it with me, three, two, one, twerking on each other and grinding. So, my number one thing is friction. That's right.
- Wow. - As everybody's grinding
up on each other, which everyone's down
for, and it's super cool, you start to generate heat. You start to generate
a little bit of a heat, but how do you capture the heat? (Noah laughs) With this prop, the wooden toad. Now, I want to point out something to you, it is very hollow on
the inside and it goes. (drumstick tapping) Oh wow, it sounds just
like frog, doesn't it? Almost like a beat you can twerk to. Almost like a beat you can twerk to. And you catch the heat
in the middle of it, that's where the fire begins. Now, you gotta act fast in this moment, I will give you that. As the avalanche comes,
you hold out the frog, and if you are pure of heart,
you can channel the heat through the frog and save your village. It will melt, turning into icy cool water, not too different from a slushie that you might get from 7-One-Leven. aA the solar flares come in, and start to mess up all the electronics, and things like that, you
hold up that cold water, and the solar flares go, ooh, what a neutral temperature we are now. We're such a neutral temperature. And it really does fix everything, and then everybody says, let's celebrate. (drumstick tapping) - That's a beat, man. - All right, out of all of those, I'm gonna say Shayne jumping
to an alternate reality where Katy Perry is was probably the move. (players clapping hands)
- Thank you. Yeah, pretty much. Whoo! - Ah! - Well, I see how this is gonna go. (Saige laughing) I'm just kidding around. - All right, it is my turn. The villain you are facing- - [Damien] Horseshoe puppeteers. - Is Darth Vader.
- Great, amazing. - Hell yeah!
- Amazing. - The location, a museum.
- Uh-oh! - And to top it all off, you're drunk. - Hell yeah.
- Amazing. Okay, so, Darth Vader,
he's got Force powers, it's kind of a big deal. So what if you walk forward, and have a little bit of garlic breath? Now, that man's, the
first thing you think of when you think of Darth
Vader is how how much breathing trouble he has.
- Ah, yes. - He's got that respirator
on account of being burned. You hide in the sarcophagus, and he says, I know you're there somewhere. And he opens up the
sarcophagus, and you say, surprise, I'm not a mummy. (pants) And the garlic breath just
sort of goes up in his face. - Holy (bleep). - He's gonna be like, ah, oh, you're not even worth fighting now. - No! - No! - And then Rey walks and she goes, my name is Rey Lucasfilm.
- William Johnson. (Shayne and Saige laughing) All three of Chewbacca's family members from the "Star Wars
Christmas Special" walk in, and they're like, we're canon now! - Everyone starts singing. ♪ Mah who moray ♪ ♪ Dah who doray ♪ ♪ Christmas, Christmas time is ♪ - [Button] Nut. - All right, Saige, it's your turn. - Excellent.
(Noah and Shayne laughing) - [Damien] Great. - I'm offering some buffalo wings. - [Shayne] Ooh. - 'Cause I feel like if
we're gonna sit down, and we're gonna have a drink, we're gonna need some kinda
little bit of drunk food. I am offering to take a
moment in this museum, I'm talking sit down on the floor, criss-cross apple sauce, with Darth Vader, and share a plate of buffalo wings. Anakin got some trauma, okay? I'm trying to get down to the bottom of where things went
from an Anakin to Vader here in this museum. - They made three movies. - Yup.
(Shayne and Noah laughing) But I'm gonna give it,
let's talk about it. - Well, if I was at the
museum drunk with Darth Vader, attempting to kill me, there's one thing that I would always have in my pocket, or I do always have just
in case of this emergency. And that is magic mushrooms. Now, Darth Vader obviously has some, you know, pent up traumas,
we've touched on this before. And I don't know if you know this, but match mushrooms are being studied in order to possibly help
solve people's depression, or at least help treat it. I should use the word treat.
- Right. - I'm drunk, so I'm gonna
be able to talk him into it, you know what I mean?
(Shayne laughs) I'm very persuasive when I'm drunk. We're gonna walk around, we're gonna look at
some of the sculptures, we're gonna look at some paintings. But I think Darth will have, you know, gotten to the other side of the bridge on some of these issues
going on in their mind. - I've noticed you adopted
calling him just Darth. - Well, we're good friends. - [Saige] Is Darth his first name? - We have a latte for Dearth. For Roark? - For Darts? (Saige and Noah laughing) No. - I just like him like high as (bleep), just be like, oh my God, I
never thought of it that way. - (laughs) Yeah. - Because is that my, is that my voice? (Noah, Shayne, and Saige laughing) - Is that what I sound like? I think I'm leaning towards Saige. I think yours is gonna work,
I think yours is the simplest, and it's it just, yeah, you
got a clear strategy there, and I believe in it. Damien's turn. - Oh, the location is gonna be Subway, and I am going to say
not the transportation, but the sandwich chain. - Okay.
- Cool. - [Damien] Ooh, the person you're going to have to defeat is Hannibal Lecter. - [Saige] Hell yeah. - [Damien] But what's the sitch, Rufus? Oh, it's during a lightning storm! Oh no.
- Wow. - Tell me, how you gonna
survive this situation with the Hannibal Lecter in a Subway in a lightning storm, Miss Zine? - So, there's plenty to eat here, and yet Hannibal Lecter wants
to eat my flesh, naturally. Okay? So, in doing so, I reach into my purse, and as I would always
have SPF-3,000 sunscreen. - Whew.
- Oh. - Look, I'm slathering, I am slathering, because imagine, you're somebody who's got like some cannibalistic
tendencies, right, okay? You wanna take a little
nibble on the flesh. Do you wanna do it when
there is SPF-3,000 sunscreen just slathering the skin? I'll let him even take
a little, eh, right? Just one little, eh, and
eh, absolutely repulsive. And then I will guide him
to the counter at Subway, naturally.
- Sure. - And I will him make a sandwich. I will help him get through
his first time ordering off of the menu, it's a
little confusing down the bar. - Okay. - I think it would also
maybe turn him away from the taste of flesh, and
on to the taste of turkey. - Get him away from
cannibalism with the delicious, delicious taste of Subway. Norbert, how on Earth are you
survive an Hannibal Lecter in a Subway during a lightning storm? - Well, let me tell you, Damien. - [Damien] Please do. - With a lawsuit. Subway, I don't know if you know, but recently they had a
spokesperson that went to prison. In the rush to try to
get someone well-known that would also be, you
know, a good figure, someone else who is hungry. Subway thought that they
would get Hannibal Lecter. - [Damien] Sure. - So, unfortunately for me,
I was going to get a sandwich during a lightning storm. Little did I know that it
was Hannibal's first day, it was a photo op, opportunity. But when I arrived, who would have thunk Hannibal ate all the producers
and the photographer. - No.
- Right? - Oh my God. - But I took some photos on
the way, called my lawyer, sat back in my lightening-resistant car, definitely resistant, and
yeah, called a lawyer, got a lawsuit going
from what I experienced. And I made $11 million. I am heavily traumatized,
but with $11 million, not only did I exist
through the situation, but I'm now thriving. - Wow.
- Yeah. - Nice, happy to hear it.
- Wow. - Shayne Topp. - Brains, see?
- Oh. (laughs) - I know he wants my brains, but luckily, I have some in this book bag. How I got them doesn't matter. So, I pull them out and
I go, hey, chip-chip, chip-chip-chip-chip.
(everyone laughing) And he sees it, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, and I throw it. He gets distracted, he goes
over near the soda machine. It's at that moment that I'm
like, I have to act quick, 'cause he's gonna eat that, and then he's gonna turn back on me. So then I spin around, ooh, whew! I'm Tuxedo Mask. You didn't see that coming.
(everyone gasps) And I throw this right into his back. He's like, ah! He turns around, all of
a sudden, he charges up, it's Mecha Hannibal Lecter. - Oh no.
- I didn't see that coming. - Mecha Lecter? - The Mecha Lecter, the lightning
storm has charged him up. Luckily, I use the "Kiss
from a Rose," Seal like this. (Shayne singing) And then, bam, I control the lightning, I throw it back at him.
(thunder crashes) It overloads his systems, he
explodes, Seal gets a Grammy. I marry Seal.
(Noah laughs) We become the- (laughs) - Yeah, yeah? No, I'm trying. - And then we, because of our true love, we become our natural forms,
which is actual seals, and we go into the sea-
- Wow. - And we live happily forever after, until Ariel kills us and
makes us into her clothes. (everyone laughing) - Look.
(Noah laughs) Good job.
- Hear. - Good job.
- Hear, yeah, yeah. - It's gotta be Shayne.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm sorry, dude, Tuxedo Mask
has never once been useful, so this is awesome,
(Shayne laughs) that that's happened. - All right, first and foremost, your opponent are money-hungry lawyers. We still had that lawsuit, right? - [Damien] So litigious, so litigious! - [Saige] You're in the
locker room together. And unfortunately, you have double vision! - [Damien] All right. - The immediate way to solve this solution is to throw out my handy-dandy
pocket full of nerve gas. (gas whooshing)
- Whoa. - That's right, 'cause what stops people quicker than nerve gas? - Uh-huh? - You know, not many things. Now, legally, the nerve
gas might be a problem. - Uh-huh?
- But seeing as all the lawyers will be
affected by the nerve gas, I think I'll be able to make
a clean and safe escape. - You couldn't possibly be sued if all of the lawyers were incapacitated. - Nerve gassed.
- That's true, that's true. - Yeah.
- All right, all right. - Money-hungry lawyers, and
they're trying to sue me, and I'm in the locker room,
and I'm seeing double. I see everybody's got four balls, and I don't know how to react to it. - Yep, double dongs all aright. - So simple, I pull out
a stick of dynamite. I go to light it, but I'm sitting there, just going like this, chick-chick,
chick-chick, chick-chick. 'Cause I'm trying to
light the fuse, but it's, I'm trying to like this fuse over here, but the real fuse is over here. They think I'm insane, and I am. Suddenly, I'm able to
actually light the dynamite. Then they're like, what the heck? I'm like, oh crap, hold on one second. I put it in my locker, shut it. And then, I pass the
bar exam in that moment. - What? (laughs) - And then it explodes. And LA Fitness becomes 24-hour fitness. (Noah laughing) - That is about the
quality drop that you give when you have an explosion in there. - Did you, are you in the explosion? - Yes, I am dead.
(Noah laughs) - All right. - I still exist, just in matter. - The French! When they colonized what
is modern day Canada, they were looking for goods. And what goods were they looking for? Beaver pelts. That's right, there's a
lot of money in beaver fur, even in the modern day. I have this paddle, I take it on one of the
sinks and I go like. (paddle tapping) Oh, I think there might
be a beaver in here. He's kind of sounds like it's, with the echo, it might be
coming from that corner. They all sort of look in that corner, and see if there is indeed a beaver. When they're all gathered in that corner, the double vision doesn't matter. I can split the difference
between the two, because oh, oh, what
works well with a paddle? A rocket launcher. I blow them to smithers and eens, the Law Offices of Smithers and Eens. And they, after the pink mist settles, I drop a single tear and
I say, I knew I'd do it. (Noah laughs) Let's go home, boys. And I reach down both hands. What is actually in there? Our little musteline
friends, two actual beavers. I put them here on my shoulders. They wrap around my head. I can't see, I need not
see, they are my ears, they are my eyes. - He's walking on, the beaver's just like, okay, now left, left.
- Yeah. - Okay, straight. - I'm picturing the "Angry Beavers." - I was literally gonna say,
Daggett and Norbert, yep. Weem. (Saige laughs) Yeah, we do that a lot. - I gotta go with that beaver slap. - Yeah, the beaver slap! Finally, beavers get recognition. - 'Cause I died, huh? - (laughs) Yeah, it's 'cause you died. - Yeah, it could be, the name of- - [Shayne] My body died. - Yeah, man, I think it's
'cause you died. (laughs) - [Noah] Oh, wow. Our location is a minefield. - [Damien] Finally. - [Noah] your opponent, cartel assassins. - [Shayne] Ooh, not good. - [Damien] I mean- - The wild card, you are
wearing a straight jacket. All right, everyone. - Cartel assassins, they finally found me. (Noah and Shayne laugh) We are deep in the jungle. They have tracked me down,
I have a straight jacket on, because yes, I was put in as an asylum. I broke out, I got all the
way down to this jungle. But like, you know how like pajamas have that little butt flap? (Noah snorts) Well, the
straight jacket has that too, I'm like, the butt flap
immediately just comes, it just unlastens and I
just go. (mimics fart) And $10,000 comes out
in the form of Bitcoin. (Noah laughs)
All right? - Are these coins? - And these are coins, physical
coins come out of my ass. - [Saige] (laughs) What
you're saying is coins? - Now, what happens is, oh,
what you're think it is, oh, I'm paying them? No, I'm shooting these coins,
my ass is very powerful. (Noah laughs) And they are, they're a
good distance away, right? These coins are perfectly
landing on all the mines that are right around them.
(explosions booming) - Wow.
- Just exploding them. It's a strategy you've only
seen on "Super Smash Brothers." They all explode and die from the coins I'm shooting out of my ass. (Noah laughs) - Have you guys seen
the Doritos 3D airbag? What?
- Yeah. - It's pretty wild. - [Shayne] Wow. - And I ask them the same
question, they say, what? It's just like our childhood, in the '90s. And I say, well, if you reach
right here in my pocket, there's a bag of Doritos 3D. Sure enough, there are.
(Saige laughs) And they said, gosh, I sure
would like some of this, but I'm not paying for it. I say, fellas, who do you
think you're talking to here? These are free samples.
(Noah and Shayne laugh) Open them up, open them
up, and have at them. So they open them up and they say, wow, it tastes just like it was, and it kinda cuts up
the top of your mouth, I know why they stopped making these. And they say, there's so many of these, we could just let them
rain from the 'bove. And they do, and they ended up hitting a bunch of mines that
are sort of far from us, and we clear a path. And I say, guys, I don't
know how you're feeling, but Bennigan's?
(Noah and Shayne laugh) They say, Bennigan's? I would love to go to Bennigan's with you. Can we get an app sampler? I said, I thought you'd never ask. - Yeah, that was hilarious. - I'm a vigilante. - Nice one, the spider legs. - And I am out to protect the city. They caught me, they wrapped
me up in a straight jacket, and dragged me out into a minefield. I'm sitting out there,
I'm like, (pouts) oh no, I'm so helpless, oh
God, what would you do? And then I reach into this little pouch that I keep on my wrist.
- Wow. - Of fairy dust, and it activates my magical
girl transformation. (Noah gasps)
(Shayne laughs) It is incredible. It flips around and I
expand into Spider Legs. Now, sure, I've got a straight jacket on, but they didn't account for spider legs! I am able to carefully
tiptoe on my eight legs around all of the mines,
'cause it's very important to specify how you're
getting out of a mine field. - I did, did you not listen?
(Saige laughs) I did. - Okay.
- I shot coins out of my ass, and made them all explode, except for the ones that were near me. - And I am tippy tapping back to town to continue saving the day. - Damn, I enjoy the spider powers. - Thank you, I appreciate
that, oh my gosh. - Yeah, so I think you get the point, but I will say, Doritos 3D and Bennigan's was a close second. - Don't patronize me, I will go to Bennigan's by my lonesome. - Yeah, disrespected. Judge us! - And the location is an insane asylum. - Ohoho!
- Oh, that would've been- - [Shayne] Your opponent,
20 angry landlords. - Wow. - The caveat, ah, there's a stampede. - [Noah] Wow. - Look out, Mufasa. - So you're walking along
in an insane asylum, and the 20 angry landlords
are, they're all best friends. (Saige gasps) And they're all walking
around in a little stampede, they're like, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup. As they do, they are like,
hey, look, look at that boy. And they're about to go attack you, and ask for all that
security deposit money back, 'cause they realized they finally found all the fish that you
hid under their carpets. - Ah, dang it! - It's your special little joke. And you say, ladies,
fellas, non-binary friendos, maybe we can all work this out. Maybe a nice pepperoni pizza
will fix you right up there. And they look at each other and they go- - I don't even mind this anymore. - I could eat, I could eat.
- I could eat. - But like, everyone knows
landlords love pizza. (Noah laughs) - You drop the pizza,
you gently slip back. You've dodged the stampede, you'd dodged the 20 angry landlords. - Yeah, good luck topping that. Good luck - You're gonna need to escape. You need to get away
from the angry landlords. You need to get away and
through the stampede, and you're trying to get
out of that asylum as well, and my solution to that is lube. - Ooh!
- Oh! - You are. - Just your right, just your left arm. (Noah mmhmms)
- That's what they do. - One area at a time.
- Okay. (Noah laughing) - Okay, I've never
applied lube on my body, but I feel like-
- Really? You've had your first kiss, right? (everyone laughs) - Okay, the landlords,
they come for you, okay? There's a gang of them,
they're surrounding you. They go to grab ya! (whoosh) - And you just (boink),
and you just shoot out. - Exactly,
(guys laughing) you're also entirely naked. The stampede starts, it's some
kind of riot coming through. You're dodging between,
slipping between them, making horrific noises
in between each body, charging towards, and
inevitably letting the stampede maul the angry landlords by
not stopping the stampede, but letting them right through, as you- - You're just gonna do. (burbles) - You're splitting through the bars and the fence on the parameter- - [Shayne] Yeah, that's awesome. - On the property, and you get home, and you invoke your squatter's rights, because your landlords
are in an insane asylum, and what the hell are
they gonna do about it? - That's good. - Wow, of course, I'm in an insane asylum, but that's just normal.
- Right. - Explains the hat. I was put in there due to
my very radical beliefs that could destroy the fabric of society. - What were your beliefs? - My beliefs were-
(Shayne and Damien laugh) - [Shayne] Tell us. - Shape-shifting capabilities-
- Oh, of course. - Which I believed others had, because, of course, I had them. You believe everyone else is
a shape-shifting lizard person when you are a
shape-shifting lizard person. There was a stampede
'cause it was lunchtime, and it was tapioca Friday. Everyone gets very excited
for tapioca Friday. So the stampede was formed, these 20 angry landlords
were a angry distraction because they were actually me- (Damien and Saige gasp) because I have
shape-shifting capabilities. - What?
- Yes, yes. - Oh.
- You Shyamalan. - (mmhmms) And we got 20,
because I cut off each of my fingers and toes, and
made each of those shapeshift into a person so that I could crawl out. You look interested.
- Cool, cool, cool. - Well, this is a fact.
- Nice. (Saige and Shayne laugh) That's what happened. - Shayne, you get to
decide who wins the game. - [Noah] Yeah. - Damien's ends by going to Bennigan's, and that's, the thing is- - No, no, no, that was the previous one, this is the pepperoni-
- No. - [Shayne] Oh (bleep), that's
right, this is the pepperoni. - From Bennigan's though, right? - Right, from Bennigan's. - This is the Domino's
two for $5.99 each deal. They give you thin crust, they give you- - Well, that's the winner. (players laugh and clap) - Oh, what? - Take it away! - Oh man, we all survived and
didn't die, and Damien won! - Wow!
- Damien won! - Congratulations. - That was entirely Shayne's doing, and definitely didn't have to do that. - And we get to keep all of the abilities that we described here, there today. I'm still a spider, you're
still going to Bennigan's, and Shayne is still confusing. Thank you so much for watching the video. Make sure that you're subscribed
if you're not already, and be sure to hit that little bell, turn on notifications,
so you get a notification every time that we post a new video. So you can come and hang
out with us every time. - Hmm.
- See, you don't know. - Goodbye.
- Come back. Click the video over here.
- Click this little vid. - Oh, what, that one?
- Click the video over there? - I think they should click this one. - And that one? - Well, I think that one is poison. - Wow. - And it will give you a virus, that one will give you a virus. - How would you know? - Yeah, they're both they very good, they're both very good-
- You gotta try both. - That one will give you a virus! - Come back.
(Noah laughs)
