- One time my (beeping) mom said, she said, I was telling her
like what I wanted to do. I was like right out of high school or still in high school
and I told her I wanted to be a music video director because back then in the 90's that was all the rage, music videos and when I was telling her I wanted to go to LA and like study film and do all this stuff and
make videos for musicians, she said, "Oh, people like
us don't make it like that." Say, we're not successful in that way, we don't make it that far up
in life and that destroyed me, that just (beeping) totally
flattened my dreams, aspirations, whatever you wanna call them. I internalized it, (beeping)
myself up and it became true, here I am. That's it. That's what hurt. It's hurt the most, it was the most hurtful
thing that we can't make it. I can (beeping) make it,
maybe you can't make it. I can make it. - [Friend] You should
have told your mom that. - I should have (beeping)
told her that, but I didn't. I made it come true. - [Thoraya] Well, you can make it, and you could still make it. Have you thought about that? - It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. I don't want to, maybe
that's what she meant, we're too lazy to do that. Maybe that's what she meant. Ultimately she was right. - Was something that my sister said to me or asked me actually,
it was a question. She asked me why she had down syndrome and why I did not and I think it was sad because I had no idea how to answer 'cause yeah, I'm still working
in my head through that one. Why we're born certain ways. I think it's something I'll
probably always deal with but I think I'm definitely
healing guilt or healing, yeah, that feeling of guilt that I have for things that predate me 'cause she's older than me and also that it had nothing to do with me. I'm just a bystander. - I don't know. My mom says all kinds of painful things. Probably like I regret
having you, probably that. For me, I always remind myself that it must be harder to be her than it is to be around her. So I try and have empathy
and compassion for that but if I was her and I was going through what she goes
through and I struggle with what she struggles with that I would, that it would be hard for me too and I would have moments
where I made mistakes. So that's how I get through it. - I was a lad and doing my usual show off, talk all the time routine, looking for attention
and I got the attention from a couple of girls who weren't into me and one of them said,
"Do you have an off button?" And that struck me, cut me to the quick. Now it's a joke. I've layered it over. It's a pearl now, not a grain of sand. - That my mom actually asked my dad to get me and my two siblings versus my dad taking
us on his own volition. - [Friend] Hmm. - Yeah. Basically being told that my
mom no longer wanted her kids. - [Friend] I didn't know that. - Yeah, 'cause I had been living with this narrative that my
dad saved us which he did. He still did but he did it partially because he was prompted to
do it, you know what I mean? - [Thoraya] Hmm, does it still hurt? - No, because I'm so grateful for my dad for doing
that and I'm where I am and who I am because my
dad saved us essentially. - My ex-boyfriend told me I was abusive and I've been doing a
lot of reflection on it. I think that really he was the abusive one and it was very hurtful 'cause it makes me overthink
every single thing I do or say to anybody now. So it's kind of like his
abuse did really mentally (beeping) with me and
that (beeping) hurts. - Yeah, I remember when I was younger, my grandparents basically
saying like, you know, if you're gay, we will still love you but we won't associate with
you and we'll disown you. So I've always remembered that and that is something that I've kind of haven't been able
to let go just yet, so. - The most hurtful thing that
somebody say to me is like, they were ashamed to be with me because I am not the
person that I used to be. - I was dating this guy and he told me that he wouldn't introduce me to his mom until I lost weight. - Being told that you are too much is probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. - That I wasn't worthy of love. - That you deserve the world but I don't know how to give it to you. - Ooh, I don't even wanna say it out loud. That being with anyone
after their ex felt wrong. It was in a different context. It was actually after we dated when we were friends and they just kind of said it without thinking but we dated after he broke up with an ex who he's like real in love with and said being with anyone after her just like didn't feel right. It felt fake and I was like,
oh (beeping), cool, yeah. - It was when I was a sophomore in high school and I was hanging out with my grandma who's
Cambodian and I had really, really long hair at the time
I had like waist length hair, it had always been kind
of a big deal to me and I wanted to cut it
and I was telling her about my plans to get it cut pretty short and I have pretty short hair now and I've had it short since then but she asked me if I had asked my dad for permission to get it
cut which was something that I had kind of just
brushed off as like, ah, classic grandma pulling an
old like patriarchy thing but as I've continued to mull that over, it has been something that I return to a lot of thinking about my own, like, I don't know, existence, upbringing, development, et cetera, so yeah. - I would say the most
hurtful thing I've been told was I'm never gonna be anything. Like I won't accomplish
anything in my life. I almost believed it. Like I felt like they knew. So it was kind of one of those things I had
to overcome growing up. - [Thoraya] And did you prove them wrong? - Oh, definitely. I'm doing great now. - Someone told me that they
hope that my wedding sucks. - [Thoraya] Did you have your wedding yet? - Yes, it was yesterday. - [Thoraya] It was? - Yeah. - [Thoraya] And how was it? - It was amazing. - I had an ex boyfriend one time who was talking about how like conventionally
attractive he thought he was, I guess and he says to
me, he's like, well, you're not conventionally beautiful. It sticks with me, like, you know, as a Thoraya you are thinking about how, you're thinking about
beauty standards a lot and I always come back to that like, well, I'm not conventionally beautiful. So I have to work my other, my unconventionally attractive qualities, I suppose, you know? - I think it was also because of the person that told it to me who was someone that I thought
really knew me really well, but he told me that I don't have dreams and I was so offended by that because I have such big dreams and this person that knew
me so well I thought, thought this of me and I was shocked. I was flabbergasted. - So the most hurtful thing that I've ever been told was the reason why I got cheated on and it
was because I was too sad. I really felt like betrayed
and like really hurt 'cause it's like, you know, this was like my partner and it was like, you know, when I needed you the most like, you cheat on me and like
do that while I was sad, like I was depressed like
this, I was depressed. So like, it (beeping) me up. - I reached out to an ex of mine before I was having a surgery, just to be like, hey,
before I go through with it, I just wanted you to know that I care about you and just kind of like said some kind things
and she responded by saying, I have a partner right now and we both don't feel comfortable with you contacting me
and that hurt my feelings. Sometimes I still feel
the pain when I think about it as compared to other things that might have been painful, that don't really resonate as pain now. - So mine was like, when I was struggling with eating and like just my body image in general and I went to Italy which is like where I'm from and I was in a bathing suit and like, I already wasn't feeling that great and then my grandma like
looked at me and she's like, damn, like, you'd be perfect if you lost some weight and like that just kind of hit 'cause it was like, like that's what I was trying, or not trying to do, I was trying to like, accept myself for who I
was and then her saying that was like, you need
to be better and yeah. So that was my most painful thing. - I think one anecdote that sticks out is one time
I was in the parking lot with my mom when I was in high school and I'm a junior in college now, I don't remember exactly when
this happened and I was like, hey mom, I think maybe that I have like social anxiety and I didn't really think anything of it, I thought she would be
like ask me questions about it because we have a
pretty close relationship but she said like, oh, I hope not, like don't turn out to be weird or something like that and I was like, oh, okay, I will not bring this up with you further and
then it made me hesitant to like further explore it
when I was in high school which probably would have
been helpful given me having difficulties with socializing with people in high school, so yeah. - The most painful thing I remember that sort of just like
hurt me in a way was like, when I told my mom that I felt like I
couldn't like live anymore. Like I don't wanna do this anymore, like I just can't do it and
I started like telling her about like things that happened in my past that she just like didn't know about. The thing that like hurt
me where she was like, "You were meant to go through that stuff." It was like to make you stronger but it just made me feel a lot weaker because I feel like I wanted
to be a normal person. It just hurt to hear that my mom, like, it almost felt like she cared, but like she cared in like the wrong way. This is like the first time I was like actually truthful with her. So like, it like hurt me
to hear that she was like, it's for the best that you
were like very much destroyed in a way, like as a child and I guess it's like the
most painful thing I've heard. - Hey everyone, for
those of you who are new, my name is Thoraya and I'm
the girl behind the camera. Make sure to subscribe and
hit the notification bell so you'll be notified every
time I have a new episode up and follow me on Instagram,
I'll be posting more on there. As always, thank you guys for everything. I love you all and I'll see you next time. (gentle upbeat music)
