- Wow, that's a deep question. (gentle music) It's funny, it's actually like in Spanish, but the word is like inutil, and basically what that means
is like good for nothing. And yeah, it's just like
it's just a mean thing to tell somebody 'cause
everybody's good at something. And yeah, I don't believe
that anymore, but yeah. It was my mom and she
(beep) hurt my feelings saying that (beep) but
I don't know how deep you want this to be. She's different now and she
like apologized for that. But yeah, like she said
that to me once or twice or many times growing up and I remember I just hearing that word and it would always just like
hurt me in my soul and yeah. Words definitely have power. Definitely. I believe so. Love my mom though. Look,
(laughing) still love my mom. Even though she said
some mean (beep) to me, you gotta forgive when you can. - The most hurtful thing
that I've been told was, that I wasn't worth anything by one of my parents. But being told that
you're not worth anything by one of your parents. I think that that messes you up mentally and it sticks with you. - The most hurtful thing I've been told, I was a nine year old and I
loved to play guitar and sing. And it was like my favorite thing, I was like super passionate
about it, it was amazing. And I would listen to all my dad's music and usually it was Cat Stevens. And so I would just play the guitar and then I started singing
like, moon shadow, moon shadow. And there was a woman, I heard
her walking up the stairs to, I don't know she was selling something or was a church, you
know, like one of those and she stopped and she was listening and I could see her shadow. And so then she rang the doorbell. My dad came, he opened
the door and she's like who has such a beautiful
voice, my goodness. So beautiful, she's amazing. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Well, how can I help
you? What do you want? Blah, blah, blah. And you know, I was awestruck
because of the first time that somebody had actually acknowledged, I'm sorry. Acknowledged my voice and my singing and sorry it's been so
long and I'm still carrying the hurt and the pain. But, when my dad came back in, I said, wow, that was so cool. Like she actually acknowledged and said how beautiful my voice sounded. He's like, no, your voice
sounds absolutely horrific. You should never sing. And so I've never sung since then, it kind of, I can't even
barely talk right now 'cause it's stifled my voice. So, so that's the most hurtful thing. - [Interviewee] So that
was the last time you sang? - Like that. Yeah - I do other stuff, but
singing is hard and I loved it. I thought I was gonna become
like a professional singer (laughing) and I'm still
stuck at that moment. And I don't know how to
like unstick from that. - The most hurtful thing
I've ever been told was by a colleague who told
me right before I started a new job, their advice to
me was, don't be yourself. And that I think they
were meaning to be honest, in terms of like, you
know, don't be too bubbly, you wanna be professional but
it kind of crushed my soul just a little bit, honestly. - I don't know. My mom used to tell me all the time that I'd end up like my dad, not really amount to
anything, all the time. I don't think my dad's that bad. And it hurt me to think
that someone thinks like, that my dad is less than what he is. And then thinking that I would amount to less than what I am, you know. But, oh, well. - [Interviewee] Do you still
carry that hurt with you? - No, pretty much just
left everything behind. I mean, I'm hear in (beep) San Diego away from my hometown,
left everything behind. I don't even talk to most people anymore. So I'm over life, starting a new one. - I had my ex stepmother. I'm a really talkative person,
I have been my whole life. And my ex stepmother once
told me that I should only say every third thing that came to my mind and that I should keep the rest to myself because she didn't wanna hear me talk. And it was something that I think, kept me from sharing a
lot of ideas and feelings that I've had in my life. And in a lot of ways,
like kept me to myself because I was thinking of only speaking every third thing out loud. - I wouldn't say it's necessarily
the most hurtful thing I've been told, but more
so the most painful things that I wasn't told in childhood, you know, just like, honestly like,
I love you from my parents, as dark as that is. - [Interviewee] Do you have siblings? - Yeah. Older brother. - [Interviewee] Does he feel the same? - Yeah. I mean, I still
remember like last year when I hugged him for like the first time in like so many years just
'cause we never like hugged as a family. He like, looked at his shoes
sheepishly and he is like, wow I can't remember the
last time that we hugged. And yeah, I don't know. Love just was never like a,
a thing that was like shown or used in the family. So definitely it's more so what, the things that hurt the
most was the absence of, of words and acts and whatnot. Not so much hurtful things
directly being said. - My teacher in fifth grade told me that I looked like an ad
for a depression commercial. Just out of nowhere, we were in class and he had me stand up in
front of the whole class and was like, this is
what you look like, Sarah. And started imitating
me because I have RBF. So if I'm not smiling,
I look angry I guess. And he started imitating me and
the whole class was laughing and then he just kept
going for about 15 minutes, until I was just left standing there crying in front of everybody. It only ended because then
it was time for lunch. (laughing) - [Interviewee] Do you still
carry that hurt with you? - Yeah. I feel a lot of the
time where if I'm not smiling or acting a certain way
then people won't wanna be around me. - I've been told that I
shouldn't be in a relationship just because I have
issues, like with myself, but I go to therapy and
I work on myself anyway. I couldn't, (laughing)
I couldn't differentiate whether I needed more therapy or if I had to stop going to therapy 'cause it was like, it was like
confirming that I was broken and that I didn't deserve anything. - That I'm, was fat, ugly and didn't want to be married to me. No, actually it took me
longer to break up with him, 20 years and six kids. It's a little more than
you could just walk away from something like that. I would say it's more,
still a damaging piece in the back of my mind. Yeah. I don't think anybody
really ever gets over that. - Most hurtful thing
is, no one's gonna want to be your friend if you
keep acting like that. - No one will ever love
you if you are overweight - If Chow loses weight,
she would look so pretty. - I don't wanna be with you anymore. - Oh, by the way, the two girls that you witnessed their
birth, they're not yours. - [Interviewee] How did you get past it? - A lot of drugs and then recovery. - Well, when I was a kid, I
heard my mom talking about me and my artwork and she said,
she'll never be an artist. And I was like in kindergarten
or first grade or something. And I still remember
that, obviously, so yeah. And you know what, I'm not an artist. She was probably right
but it still was hurtful. I was surprised that she said that because she was an artist. - [Interviewee] Do you carry
that pain with you at all? Still today? - Only if somebody's talking
about art or drawing, not specifically art,
but just being artistic. I always say I'm not artistic at all. It's probably 'cause my mom said that. - [Interviewee] You never
know who you might have been. - I could be artistic, but you know what, I do carry it, I guess, she said I wasn't, so I
still believe that I'm not. - So in his defense it
was probably an accident, but I, in high school,
my guidance counselor was talking to me about
why a lot of my friends were in AP classes. And I was really curious
why I was the only one in my friend's group of
people, of similar coursework who didn't get these
necessary, additional steps in the right direction towards college and when I went to his office
and asked him about it. He just looked at me and said,
oh, you wanna go to college? And it was like this moment of like, well why, why wouldn't I? And like, it was like this real like, oh is, is it I wonder if it's me, just like what he sees and well, I'm working on my master's now in computer science. So, I definitely wanted to go to college but he definitely immediately
pulled out all the paperwork and stuff and was really
quick to talk about it. But in that moment he just
like, the weight of like, oh I have to like say hi, yes, I want to be involved in
academia, was like weird because it was just like
something all my other friends were just like recommended to. So that, that was, it wasn't
supposed to be hurtful but man still to this day does it like, I remember that conversation. - When I was in third grade
our my substitute teacher asked me whether or not
I was in third grade because I have dyslexia
and I couldn't read one of the questions and I
asked her what it said. - [Interviewee] And do you
still carry that hurt with you? Does it still bother you? - Kind of, and it's just a
little hard when you, you know I still am, I'm dyslexic and I can't, it's hard for me to read, but
I'm better at reading now. - I love you. - [Interviewee] Can you tell us why? - No, I'm not gonna tell you that. - [Interviewee] Okay. - But it really spoiled that for me. When I hear, I love you,
I don't know whether I really believe it now. It really (beep) me up. - The most hurtful thing was
when I was a little girl, growing up in Connecticut, the neighborhood kids told
me to go back to my country. - [Interviewee] How'd that make you feel? - Confused, really Yeah. Yeah, mostly just confused, like why would they say that to me? I didn't understand like the
distance that they put me at. I didn't feel it. - [Interviewee] Do you still
carry that hurt with you, do you think? - Not really, not so much anymore. I've traveled so much
and the funny thing was when I went back to my original country, I didn't fit in there
either, I was American. So, I always felt like in
between worlds, kind of. But as an adult, I've taken
the best of all these worlds and kind of integrated them into who I am. - Well, the most hurtful
thing I've been told, there's been a few, but
the one that stuck with me and it still sticks with me, is when I was two, I
was burned on an iron. My whole hand came off as a kid. So growing up as a kid
and people see my hand they either say, I got, oh,
you have poop on your hand or, oh, there's something wrong
with you, you're an alien. And even, I'm, what? 38 now, 38 years old. It still bothers me, I handicap it. I don't ever let people see it. And then I can show the camera, my hand. So this, it still bothers me to this day. So I always talk like this,
this hand's bought up. I talk like this. So nobody never sees it
'cause as soon as they do, it's like, Ugh, it's
something that's disgusting or it's poop. And that's probably one
of the hurtful things I've ever been told because
it's still sticks with me at 38 years old, in my life. - [Interviewee] What do
you think can help you not be so hurt? - To open up to it more and tell my story, 'cause it's a story to tell,
it's history behind it. You know, so now sometimes
with friends, close friends I'm able to actually deal
with it a little bit more because I try to use
it as a positive thing and say, and I turn it like this and say, but if I turn it like this,
it look like it's a finger pointing this way. And it does, if you look at it. So I try to do that. So that's what I'm working on now. And I'm still working on that
at 38 years old, in my life. - [Interviewee] Well
thank you for sharing. - You're so welcome. - [Interviewee] Hopefully
expressing it today, maybe helps ease the pain a little bit. - Definitely was.
- [Interviewee] Okay. - Hey everyone, for
those of you who are new, my name is Thoraya and I'm
the girl behind the camera. Make sure to subscribe and
hit the notification bell, so you'll be notified every
time I have a new episode up. And follow me on Instagram,
I'll be posting more on there. As always, thank you guys for everything. I love you all and I'll see you next time. (gentle music)
