What was your worst "Why the F*Ck did i say that" moment? r/AskReddit | Reddit Jar

what was the worst why the F did I say that moment I've told this before but I'll never forget it I took my girlfriend to a very beautiful park and served her a gummit picnic after we were finished I nervously took her hand in mine and asked her to marry me I mumbled or her ears failed or I don't know what but she replied with SH or whatever obviously missing what I had said in my mind I thought Andrew you idiot you screwed this up but out of my mouth came the words no you idiot I'm proposing double quote yes I called my wife an idiot as part of my marriage proposal after that I kind of blanked out until I saw her crying and saying yes over and over again our 18th anniversary is coming up in the spring edit I'm loving all your proposal stories I'm going to save them up to show to my wife apparently there were tons of idiots for her to choose from and I just got incredibly lucky love you hon so I was at a group fitness class and the instructor was known for having weird exercises like bending and swinging one of your arms in a circle and calling it making soup he gets really into and asks the class was soup they were making chicken soup tomato soup he asked me and I panicked and said water I'm making exercise you f king dork let me work out job interview was quasi good-cop bad-cop I guess you could say first interviewer came out with some pretty tough questions and I was already a nervous wreck for the interview as I had applied for something well above what I was qualified for and got the right person's attention I [ __ ] bombed I felt like a total idiot for even thinking I had a short interview and number two comes out and I just blurt out boy did I f ck that up double quote he has a good laugh about it with me we [ __ ] around for 20 or 30 minutes and I started the next week still not sure how why I mean everyone gets nervous during interviews and I think the fact that you acknowledged you messed but still had the courage to continually interview rather than making it worse spoke volumes about your character this is why I don't really like the whole disguise your strengths as weaknesses thing because it kind of implies that you aren't conscious of your shortcomings if we want to improve ourselves we have--oh accept our weaknesses and work on them not shove them under a rug and only focus on our more favorable trays I worked at a movie theater and an old couple asked for their money back after the half-hour grace period had passed on bracha back mountain because they thought it was going to be a normal Western well it was set in the West there were mountains and horses and herding what exactly wasn't normal about it double-quote the tent double-quote it was a pup tent they were pretty normal back in the 60s double-quote you know what we mean double quote so what do you want me to write down manager just doesn't let me pass out refunds willy nilly the [ __ ] is that it double quote when they complain to the manager about my language I was demoted to mopping the restrooms for the next month I once complimented a girl I know on her cute outfit and asked where she got it she named a plus-size store for whatever stupid reason I replied really I need to gain a bunch of weight so I can shop there I immediately realized what I had said and we looked at each other for a moment looked away and sat in uncomfortable silence for the rest of class because I'm a jerk this was about 12 years ago I was chatting with two female colleagues during lunch break when the break was almost over I wanted to ask shall we go back to work instead for some reason I asked shall we go to bed double quote my face instantly turned red it was pretty awkward but we all ended up laughing about it not me but my husband he was out drinking with his friends a girl comes up to him asking if he wants to dance what he means to say is I only dance when I'm drunk and I'm still sober but what he actually said was I'm not drunk enough to dance with you I wasn't even there and I can feel that poor girl's self-esteem drop every time he tells the story he this just reminded me of something I was hanging out with some friends and one tried to kiss me and I hit him with the I'm not drunk enough for that I intended it as man I make out with a lot of people when I drink but he did not take it that way back in seventh grade a teacher called on me to answer a question I guess I was a little sick at the time because I needed to clear my throat yet decided against it because people might think I'm gross or something as you can probably guess that didn't work out well and I sounded like a chronic smoker then finally after trying my hardest to nonchalantly clear my throat I announced to the class sorry I have a speech defect I do not interview for an administrator in a doctor's surgery seems to be going well getting through the majority of questions no issues no real concerns about my experience or work history and they seemed pleased with what I'm saying just three or four more questions and the interview would be over kamar interviewer this job can be very stressful what do you do to release stress , me I've always felt less stress after I've had sex double quote the interviewer and his assistant completely lost hid and burst into laughter the interview effectively ended there and then and no I did not get the job at my friend's wedding which I was standing up in I walk into the bathroom which has one or two more men in it than there are stalls and urinals for my friend says I guess I'll use the handicap stall since it was unoccupied but apparently he wasn't sure that he should use it without missing a beat I said that's okay it works for mentally handicapped people too it was at that point I realized that it wasn't my friend who said it just some guy I didn't know who was in his 40s or 50s I was 24 at the time silence I quickly go into the other stall which someone had just exited pissed as fast as possible and left without washing my hands so I would get out of there before the other guy left the handicap stall on the morning of my wedding the third time I'd met my soon-to-be mother-in-law I was understandably jittery about the day probably not at the top of my game so I warmly greeted her by saying hiya Linda it's so good to see you she's quiet for a moment and then says actually it's Laura I knew it was Laura I have no clue why I called her Linda I was mortified and felt like I had only one way out of the situation I replied after a pause no I'm pretty sure it's Linda dart to her credit and to this day whenever she calls me she tells me it's Linda and I've never called her anything but that since I work in a hospital I was taking a patient for an x-ray the patient was in a wheelchair me I suck at steering these things I'll try not to drive you into a wall patient had just spent six weeks in bed seriously injured after driving into a wall don't sweat it that was totally normal under any other circumstance my 17 year old son died a couple months ago after driving into a tree so many times people put their foot in their mouth in so many ways it strikes me hard at first but then I realized that this is what getting back to normal is okay so I already commented on this but I remembered one that was why a worse I went to go visit a friend with my sister who was working on a college campus she took us around and I don't know what led to it but she told us how she got raped by a kid in middle school told us about the aftermath and how she's totally fine now it came time for my sister and I to leave we were saying our goodbyes and as we were walking away I said don't get raped double-quote I to this day one to punch myself in the face repeatedly and I have no f king clue why I said that fifth grade in school about 300 kids in the auditorium for D a ah e presentation a speaker started off by having all of us scream why whenever he would say a statement and then ask us do you know why fast forward mid presentation and he asked do you know why again I scream wh why why why why so hard it could be heard in the cafeteria nobody else did swallow me Earth edit so much organic Karma extract guess it was worth the cringe cladded has made some of you laugh my ex said at the dinner table I had a slight webbing on my tell how do you get that in front of her entire family aunts uncles cousins grandparents I instinctively said inbreeding Forks dropped and they all just stared at me I didn't know what to do or where to look I just wanted to f king died this was my 105 year old mother but I was the one cognizant enough to be mortified an older black woman was lifting my mother into her recliner at the nursing home and my southern mother patted her arm and said you're such a good perkily me I gasped turned bright red and stammered some inane apology the CNA turned and left without a word I still cringe when I see her for people not from the South [ __ ] no clue how to spell it is a more polite word for a black child a lady would never use the n-word and this implies you are cute and young not me but my brother before he came home from university we cleaned the house so everything smelled pristine after he got back he went into the bathroom and noticed how nice it smelled then he went into the kitchen where my mother was cooking and proceeded to tell her that her food smelled like the bathroom r.i.p at a family function and my wife's aunt asks me how my kids are doing and I replied they are still alive I regretted those words instantly I had become accustomed to give that response after one year when all three of my kids had an emergency room visit while this is not the response to give to a mother who found her youngest hanging in their closet I am horrible at conversation but this set a record low for me she didn't say anything but we both knew I was a [ __ ] I did work up the courage to apologize for my stupidity and we are still good but I will never use that response ever again I was in Spanish class I suck at Spanish we were going around the room saying what we were going to do after school and then saying who he wanted to speak next I'm a dude and I was sitting next to my friend F I'll call her Hannah my plan was to say I was going to do homework and then say Hannah so she'd go next but I forgot the homework part and just said in Spanish after school I'm going to do Hannah the whole class started laughing including the teacher I wanted to die in eighth grade there was this pretty girl that I sat next to who had a reputation for being depressed and sleeping around in retrospect she probably had a lot of emotional issues from her upbringing one day she asked me what would you do if I died double-quote the first that came to mind was I'd probably use your desk to put my book song I was in a religious education class at the age of 15 and my teacher was talking about how to make people feel good and happy emotionally but I wasn't listening so all I heard was where can you touch someone to make them feel good without even thinking I immediately blurred out g-spot the whole class burst into laughter and my teacher's face went bright red and he sent me to the principal's office went to drinks with friends two of them had been seeing each other for a while some background this couple were always fighting him the guy had been trying to break up with the girl for months but she always cried and guilt tripped him so he never do anyway we're at drinks I guess that next to cerb girl yay and she then proceeds to moan at me for the rest of night about him I'm just there to catch up with friends and she's really bumming me out I try and comfort offer advice but she was having none of it towards the end of the night she has a dig at my girlfriend for some reason I phase out and say from nowhere at least the love isn't dead in my relationship silence the whole table was looking at me I had pretty much shouted this to everyone I wanted the world to swallow me whole later my other friends actually thanked me for saying what they were all thinking this couple broke up a couple of weeks later I am a waiter I try to hold the door open for every guest I wait on as they leave one time I was holding the door for three women I had just waited on one being an elderly lady and using a walker as she is waking towards me she says thank you honey for getting me so full and being so good to me before I tell you my response I will try and justify it by saying if you work in customer service you know we have a mental catalog of phrases we use in certain situations well I turned to the wrong page and said no problem mom so full you can barely walk Hut all three women looked at me and discussed the elderly ladies walk got much faster as one hugged her in consolation the other lady I'm assuming her daughter said to me she is 89 years old thank you we are very proud of her I began to try and explain myself but she wasn't having it in walks away not me but my sir was hanging out with a group of our new friends he was explaining how he had to put down his dog by shooting him in the head since he was so old and could hardly walk seconds later he sees one girl immediately get up which says streaming down her face and excuses herself to the restroom the others explained that she had barely a month prior witnessed her own husband shoot himself in the head my so felt horrible was at the liquor store a while back making small talk with the cashier during checkout dude is telling me about how one of his friends got hit by a car down the street a few nights ago no major injuries were sustained but they still got hospitalized and freaked everyone out my response haha dang well maybe you should have less friends my ears started burning immediately and he kind of lets his voice trail off while finishing up the transaction I later called the place ask to speak to him and apologized profusely for saying such a stupid thing he was laughing about it thankfully but agreed that it was out of left field and that he had no idea how to respond good times I was a math tutor for grade school kids at a franchise place one day a middle school-aged girl came in several hours after the time she usually does we didn't do appointments the kids usually followed routines though so I asked why she was coming and later than usual just making small talk and she said she went to her grandmother's funeral that morning so I said well at least that's better than doing math on a Saturday coma trying to joke around she kind of sheepishly faked a smile and I immediately realized I'm a ref King idiot and walked away instead of apologizing I just didn't speak to her again for a while because I'm an idiot was talking to my mom who was recently divorced from my dad I asked about an old door that used to be in the garage rafters at their house asking if she had that or not which he said she didn't I then stupidly said I'm surprised you didn't take that you f king took everything else from him your dad owes you an attaboy nah I was drunk and bitter divorce was good for both of them but it was still fresh at that point edit the divorce was good for both of them she didn't take everything it just seemed like it to my bitter ass because she ended up with most of the physical belongings but she bought him out and between belongings and Fink they ended up even split went to a funeral of a friend of Mines dad who I had never met my friend wasn't crying so I asked him why aren't you crying did you not love your dad dot when I suddenly realized that my brain filter had grossly failed me he replied that he was all out of tears as three days had passed since his death I felt like an idiot and left within just a few minutes ever since that I worry about what to say at funerals do you remember that one episode of Spongebob Wes could would as in a talent show and no one will clap for him but then when spongebob comes out to mop the floor everyone shares well one time in college I was at Mr my college and after one of the acts this tiny nerdy guy came out to mop the stage because there was spilled water or something and I screamed yeah go spongebob and the auditorium went silent and everyone around me turned and stared I left shortly after edit a word not me but a friend we were at our mutual friend's birthday party when we were about six or seven the mother brings out a bowl of strawberry punch to be fair it really didn't look super appealing but my friend couldn't keep her mouth shut and said something along the lines of row that looks like a bowl of diarrhea double-quote and the mother got super upset and offended and I could see immediately the look on my friend's face that they knew they f ked up was at a waterpark with some friends and I ran into an old work buddy who was there with her friends one of which I also works with but not for as long and was real cute and wanted to give me a hug problem was I didn't recognize her at first because she was in a bikini and we didn't really talk outside of work and I was real nervous so I backed off and said well I don't really know you that well edit glad to see my highest rated comment is a shameful and causal f ck up I had with an attractive girl in a bikini and no I can't fix this it happened a couple of years ago and I have no contact with either of them nor do I work there anymore talk about a missed opportunity I was interviewing for my first job I was probably 15 - 16 and nervous as hell it was a job bussing tables and washing dishes at the golf club catering area during the interview the interviewer asked are you punctual I replied with I think you can tell from my appearance that I'm not Punk at all and I don't really like that kind of music double-quote next question are you frequently on times of appointments and I answered normally thinking it was just the next question I've had so many in my life but one that sticks out is my 7th grade teacher was telling us about her sister's wedding in Mexico it was the first day back from summer vacation I raised my hand and waited for her to call on me I then asked if there had mucho sex so immediately kicked out of class now here is the thing on Letterman the night before a guest was telling him about his Mexican wedding and Letterman asked if they had mucho sex so and got huge laughs not everyone watches Letterman especially not my teacher seven years ago as I was working event staff security it was my responsibility to make sure the drunk people were standing by in position for their shuttle buses after a baseball game I saw these two friends one was holding up the other as I walked by I heard the one say s HHH come on bus is almost here to which the other responded in what I thought was a sarcastic tone ooo HHH the bus I chuckled and commented I remembered my first beer turns out the one helping other the other was the father taking care of his son that had had a traumatic brain injury two years earlier I apologized profusely but still feel like [ __ ] happened Christmas Eve actually went to church for the first time in a couple years with my mom they announced they had communion tables set up outside the main auditorium for the half-hour of songs and such q fifteen minutes later and I need to go to the bathroom as I walk past the tables I see them filling up the little cups with grape juice but from a glass bottle and with the label facing away sofas and reason my brain immediately forces me to say in quite a loud voice Oh shots double-quote as I register what I said I realize about half a dozen people are staring at me so I try and recover as best as possible by saying of the blood of Christ giving them the double finger guns and then walking away as fast as possible TLD young people at my mom's Church probably think her son is an alcoholic I've got one for any forsaken soul this far down in the comments I got my first apartment about a month after I turned 18 it turned out that a cute girl from my school lived in the same building so we would hang out and play video games together or cook stuff together when I look back on it she was most definitely trying to get some but she was sixteen even though the age of consent was 16 in my state and sh t would have probably been totally fine had it gone down nothing ever happened okay I'll admit that I was pretty socially awkward and didn't pick up on hints all was too afraid to make any moves anyway a lot of PG hanging out between this girl and I well one day we're in my apartment and we hear some angry slamming on my door it's a moment she's pissed because she obviously thinks we're boning 24 stroked seven she storms in and tells her daughter to grab all her stuff and leave as the mom is walking out after her daughter I'll never f king forget us in my life she asks me do you even know how old she is with this half condescending half disgusted tone of voice my genius response was the age of consent is 16 so matter-of-factly that there would never be a thing anyone could say to convince her I wasn't plowing her daughter all along she looked bewildered for a split second before she says and left my apartment thatched he haunted me to the bone for so long until I became more comfortable with sexuality and socializing in general then I realized that my deadpan delivery was actually hilariously ballsy and I would have never had the courage to say what I did if I only knew what the f ck I was saying was talking to a guy that I had just met two weeks before and didn't know him that well he was telling me about his job at the hospital taking blood from people and I said oh wow I just got my blood drawn the other day I was getting tested for HIV he looked understandably uncomfortable so I blurted out I got tested for other things too I'm not even sexually active another blank stare from him a company I worked for a few years ago was in the process of downsizing people were being laid off left and right and everyone knew it one day I'm walking through the offices when I see a manager standing by her employees desk as he pack stuff into boxes without skipping a beat I said moving Bay in a loud cheery voice yeah he had just been let go my friend's dad passed away recently after the funeral family members were around the widow expressing their condolences and asking if she needed anything she replied she was tired and could really use some sleep to which I replied psshhh sleep you can sleep when you're dead then came the awkward silence and the realization that I'm a total f king idiot Thanksgiving this year I was with my girlfriend and her parents at a friend's house we're all eating and laughing and she says daddy pass me the drink I was prepared and I look at her dad expecting to get it which he does and he jokes like I thought it was going to be that joke where she says daddy and we both think she's talking to us how her that would be funny double quote haha yes sir but for now your daddy double quote I'm so glad her dad's super chill because his hand was on a knife and his glowers like Medusa stare it was three weeks ago I was at work and her family came in they wanted to buy a phone and I was showing them the ones we offered but I was a little put off that the father was talking the entire time for what looked to be his son which looked about 20-plus years old in mid-sentence I said excuse me if this is for your son surely he'd like a say this and the father awkwardly shut up and let his son begin talking to me little did I know he was mentally handicapped very open in the way he spoke weird mannerisms very obvious and made it difficult for me to communicate with him very indecisive about his selection as well long story short we got to the counter and I asked to see his ID it took him a few seconds to process the question before he handed me the ID and right after handing it to me I don't know why the f ck I said this but out loud I said good job I felt so f king embarrassed I felt my face get warm as a furnace actually this is far worse than my previous comment so my ex and I had just been through a very traumatic experience we were at the beach just sunbathing on the boat dock and we noticed a dude trying to swim from a boat to the shore it wasn't a particularly long distance but tourists tend to misjudge just how cold the Lakers if they're drunk it's not uncommon for them to drown due to the shock and this was happening to that guy my ex jumped in to save him and eventually we got him to the shore but it was too late he died on the scene and we all were shaken by the experience especially my ex since she was the one who initially tried to save him anyway we leave and go back to her house and she seemed okay I knew she was probably surfacing it and I just wanted comfort her my dumb brain decided SX would definitely comfort her and before I could stop the inevitable verbal train wreck I already finished the sentence so do you want to have sex yeah it didn't go over well and I knew immediately I f ked up one of my co-workers had just been fired and was waiting outside the building for someone to bring his personal effects from his desk I said my goodbyes but reflexively ended with have a nice day I immediately knew this was the wrong thing to say at the moment and couldn't think of any way to backtrack that wouldn't be even more awkward I just turned away bowed my head in shame and trudged to my car it wasn't really what I said but the volume at which I said it I was waiting for an interview so I could get free hide at a temp job so I've met a lot of the people there before I saw one guy I didn't really recognize and decided to yell my greeting hello sir pleasure to meet you if that wasn't awkward enough he responded wave you've met me before dot clearly I was very nervous and when I'm nervous I either whisper or scream there is no in-between this isn't something that I said but something my dad said it isn't ashamed to tell people about one time many years ago my dad was at a funeral for his uncle picture this my dad's cousin was standing feet away from the uncle's casket the mood is very somber and my dad goes over to his cousin to say something to him my dad probably had something in mind like hey nice to see you I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for your loss etc but instead my dad shakes his cousin's hand and the first word that comes out of his mouth is congratulations I can't imagine how both of them felt in that moment but it has certainly made for a great story at family gatherings will Mayo I a a month before my wedding I was talking to my future mother-in-law who I'd never been close to she's fine and all just a bit timid and I'm not in an effort to make everyone laugh and lighten the mood I retold a joke I had recently heard about the role of the groom's mother at a wedding her job is to dress in beige and keep her mouth shut three seconds after I said it I knew it was a mistake tried to save it with some lame comment about how I didn't actually believe that that was 16 years ago while I can't be sure that exact moment affected our relationship I can tell you she and I have never gotten any closer I'm a very absent-minded person and was at a grocery store I was walking around daydreaming waiting for my girlfriend at the time to get some groceries when a Jamaican woman said to her son where dem bananas in a thick Jamaican accent stupid me still absent-minded answered her out of reaction while I was staring at the floor walking past her and said I not know where dem bananas at in a thick Jamaican accent also I'm an Asian and she looked at me and was ready to smack me I continued to walk while staring at the floor out of pure embarrassment my first year in high school there was a girl in one of my classes who just stopped showing up for about two weeks straight before class started one day our teacher began to talk about this girl's unannounced absence me being the super cool class clown shouted ahahaha whoo I think she died hahahaha my teacher responded no Adolphe her mother passed away cue silence [Music] [Music]

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Id: y6u9BlEdMiI

Length: 32min 44sec (1964 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 11 2019