What the Hell Happened This Week? - Week Of 10/19/2020 | The Daily Social Distancing Show

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] early voting it's for maverick voters who've already decided who they want as president which is insane they're still two weeks people what if trump becomes presidential i still think he has a shot now as you know election day is just two weeks from today but with early voting in most of the country election day is really just the last possible day to vote you know election day is basically halloween and then early voting is cvs you can just go in there and get the candy at any time without having to trick or treat anybody the point is early voting is already underway and so far it's more popular than q anon at your aunt's house we are just two weeks away from the election and nearly 30 million americans have already voted more than five times the number at this point four years ago long lines and long waits seen in the key battleground state of florida some of those lines started at dawn 94 year old mildred madison born when coolidge was president had her son drive her more than 600 miles from illinois back home to michigan so that she could vote after she never got her absentee ballot women got the last especially black women were the last ones that got the power to vote it's wonderful to see a black woman running for vice president wow 94 years old and she drove 600 miles to vote that is so impressive i mean imagine driving 600 miles i bet the poll workers were so moved by that story before they turned her away for not having the right id for real though there should be a special prize for anyone who travels that far to vote like forget the sticker some [ __ ] i want platinum i voted rims and i'll be honest i get why miss madison is taking this so seriously black women absolutely cannot mess around with their votes statistically they bear the brunt of any policy failure whether it's housing health care education anything so they make sure to vote i'll tell you now if this entire country was only 94 year old black women voter turnout would be 100 i mean on the other hand nobody would know who timothy shalom is so it's a mixed blessing but yes early voting records are being crushed all around the country and honestly i get it this is 2020. you got to vote now because there's no guarantee that we'll even have a november and as it stands now biden goes into the final weeks with a large lead but 2016 taught us that large leads don't mean [ __ ] plus there's still a debate this thursday and who knows what could happen i mean trump could announce that he's pregnant and you wouldn't fire an expecting parent would you you wouldn't put me out like that in america would you me and my baby although what's not going to help trump at the debates is that the debate commission has announced that they're going to be muting the microphone of the person who shouldn't be speaking to give the other person a chance to talk which i think is actually a good idea i mean as long as jeffrey tubin isn't in charge of the mute button i'm so sorry guys i left it on the whole time and my dick is also out again i'm so sorry but guys trump doesn't care if you mute his microphone he's just gonna shout or even worse he'll just walk over to biden and use his mic he'll probably lick it too just to mark his territory that's man but clearly trump needs to enjoy his open mic time while he can and that's why he's holding large rallies every day to help spread his message and or coronavirus which by the way is soaring across the country corona hospitalizations are now rising in 39 states but even though america isn't over the coronavirus trump has decided that america is totally over the coronavirus as the country faces a third coronavirus wave president trump on the campaign trail saying voters are tired of hearing about the pandemic people are pandemic out you know that they're pandemiced out they're getting tired of the pandemic aren't they getting tired of the people you turn on cnn that's all they cover covet covert pandemic and covered you know why they're trying to talk everybody out of voting people aren't buying it cnn you dumb bastards they're not positive yeah cnn you dumb bastards why are you spending all day reporting on the story that's dominating everyone's lives why don't you focus on some more important stories like what child stars look like now do you know that the little boy from e.t looks like himself but much older why isn't that in the news you dumb bastards now to be fair trump is not wrong about people being tired of dealing with this pandemic but what he doesn't seem to realize is that unlike the rest of us he can actually do something about this instead he's acting like he's as helpless as everyone else's guys am i the only one here who's totally sick of coronavirus why doesn't someone come up with a plan now persuading people that coronavirus is over isn't the world's easiest cell i mean we can see the world around us but trump thinks that he's figured out the problem it's not that a quarter million americans have died it's that too many people are listening to that bastard anthony fauci with polls showing a majority of americans unhappy with his handling of the virus president trump now laser focused on a new target the nation's leading infectious disease expert i don't want to hurt him he's been there for about 350 years the president began his day of attacks on fauci on a call with campaign staffers people are tired of hearing fauci and all these idiots i thought she's a disaster if i listen to him we have 500 000 deaths the president later on the trail in arizona tying fouchy to biden you know biden wants to lock it down he wants to listen to dr fauci who wants to listen to dr falcon and he is a wonderful guy i like him he just happens to have a very bad arm [Applause] here's a bed arm yeah you know what guys i i can't argue with trump's logic on this one you just can't trust a scientist who can't throw a fastball i mean like why didn't he practice what else is he doing with his day and honestly it's kind of weird for trump of all people to make fun of someone's bad arm lift a glass of water using one hand and then we'll talk seriously the scientists you want are the ones who are too busy in the lab to ever learn any sports that's why if i was hiring a scientist my first test would be to throw a ball at them if they catch it they're fired [Music] i'm willing to bet that trump wishes he had that chinese tax money back in his pocket because with less than two weeks to go before the election his campaign is almost broke i know which is really surprising for a trump enterprise meanwhile joe biden has been setting fundraising records every month and some of that money is coming from a whole new type of fundraiser the cast of veep is reuniting to put joe biden in the white house fonzie ritchie potzi and other members of the happy days cast are reuniting for one night only the virtual event is a fundraiser supporting the democratic party of wisconsin it's an avengers reunion today for biden and harris an all-star cast is hoping people cast their ballots for joe biden the entire leading original cast of hamilton performed the song the room where it happens as part of a virtual fundraiser for the presidential nominee cast members of the hit comedy seinfeld will reunite for a virtual fundraiser for the texas democratic party the event named a fundraiser about something will take place on friday at 8pm yes the costs of hamilton veep and even seinfeld are getting back together to raise money for the democrats and not only that but emily and paris promise that if they get enough donations they won't make another season and personally i hope it doesn't stop with these zoom reunions i mean if biden can get the cost of seinfeld to make another season yo best believe he'll win the election by like 40 points because come on how bad do you want to see a seinfeld set in pandemic new york george would claim he has coveted just to get out of work kramer would be selling bootleg hand sanitizer he made in his bathtub elaine will be dating a pharmacist to get the vaccine quicker and then jerry will probably break up with a beautiful woman just because she wears her mask slightly below her nose she's leaving her nose uncovered she's a nose noticed but i do feel bad for donald trump the guy's at a huge disadvantage when it comes to big reunions because no one in hollywood likes him although luckily for him there is one blockbuster reunion coming up to show support coming this friday over union to support the trump campaign featuring all the villains from star wars for a donation of just 50 000 or dirt on joe biden you can watch a table read featuring all your favorite bad guys darth vader trump is the only candidate of law and order emperor palpatine jabba the hutt that robot guy with the arms and jar jar binks and for another 50 grand stick around and hear the villains reveal behind the scenes moments i could have stopped luke from kissing leia i just didn't want to a one-time event live streamed from don junior's instagram account do your part to make the galaxy great again let the hate flow through you the pope god's emergency contact for centuries the catholic church has stood firm against the idea of gay couples but now pope francis has decided to handle this issue with will and grace we have some breaking news now just in on a major new shift from pope francis just in the last little bit here for the first time he is now endorsing same-sex civil unions this happened during a documentary that premiered today during rome's film festival according to the catholic news agency it's reporting he talked about same-sex couples rights to be a family and said they are children of god pope francis the greatest pope of all time well second best technically because it's olivia pope number one and then francis but it's close it's close once again the pope coming up and going up against the establishment taking a progressive stance for the church i love this guy and i think i know what happened here just like the rest of us the pope has been quarantined at home binging every season of queer eye did you see what jonathan did with that guy's hair oh now that's a miracle now obviously uh there are some people who are not happy with the pope's announcement because they insist that gay unions undermine the sanctity of marriage but guys let's be real every marriage undermines the sanctity of marriage half of all marriages end in divorce the president has had what three wives your dad is probably having an affair right now i mean this has never been about sanctity it's been about homophobia you know what i really think is happening here the real reason straight people don't want gay people to get married is because they just don't want gay people to have it all yeah think about it gay people have the best style the best parties the best parades easily the best flag their flag looks like their parents bought them the jumbo crayon pack with all the colors and then on top of that they want marriage straight people are like no i know marriage is [ __ ] but i want to have one thing that you guys don't have i envy you i want to wear those shorts i know i can't fit into that i don't have the butt and finally the presidential race yes even the presidential race has a ray of sunshine because yesterday an old friend returned to the campaign trail for the first time and man he seemed to be really enjoying himself honk if you're fired up honk if you're ready to go you know i know the president spent some time in erie last night and apparently he complained about having to travel here then he cut the event short poor guy where is this great plan to replace obamacare they keep on promising we're going to have a great replacement they said it's coming it's been coming in two weeks for the last 10 years that's not normal presidential behavior we we wouldn't tolerate it in our own family except for maybe crazy uncle somewhere you know of the taxes donald trump pays he may be sending more to foreign governments than he pays in the united states can you imagine if i had a secret chinese bank account when i was running for re-election they would have called me beijing barry [Music] matt it is so nice to see obama back on the campaign trail although the drive-in rally is a little bit weird i will say i mean i mean with all the honking it sounds like obama just started giving a speech in the middle of the road sick burn mr president but i'm late for work and you could tell obama was having a great time up there man he was grilling trump so hard barbecue becky called the cops is it just me though or do all of obama's roasts on trump have just like a tiny hint of jealousy in them so you got this guy who doesn't pay taxes or he says whatever he wants nobody does anything just running around crazy i don't know you could do that sounds kind of fun [Music] [Applause] joe biden and donald trump debated for the final time and i'm not saying that this was the most sophisticated debates in history but one thing everyone agreed upon is that compared to the last time at least this was a more presidential debate than a wwe match this was a decidedly different debate much calmer far fewer interruptions the debate last night calmer tone than the first one this was a far more civil affair than their disastrous first debate it was a far less contentious affair than that first debate we went from cleveland chaos to nashville nice that's right this debate actually felt like a debate and who knows why it was so much better i mean maybe it was because the candidates knew their microphones could be muted or maybe because trump was better behaved so he could appeal to undecided voters or maybe it was just the pre-debate smoke sesh you never know people were more chilled whatever the case with fewer distractions than last time the candidates could actually give us their visions for america on healthcare joe biden wants to expand obamacare while donald trump will have his plan in the next two weeks which is what he's been saying for the last five years on fracking trump wants to keep it while joe biden wants to keep it and get rid of it on coronavirus biden thinks we have a tough road ahead while trump wants to reopen the white house jacuzzi and on crime joe biden's priority is to get drug offenders out of prison while donald trump's priority is to keep himself out of prison now to be clear just because donald trump was less shouty that doesn't mean that he wasn't still donald trump i mean you can put a silencer on a gun but it's still going to hurt for instance one of the most contentious topics last night was immigration there was a big story this week that of those 5 500 migrant children who were separated from their families at the border 545 still have not been returned because the government has lost track of their parents and while joe biden was outraged by this news trump managed to look on the bright side let's talk about what we're talking about what happened parents were ripped their kids were ripped from their arms and separated and now they cannot find over 500 of sets of those parents and those kids are alone nowhere to go nowhere to go it's criminal it's criminal let me ask you i will say this they went down we brought reporters everything they are so well taken care of they're in facilities that were so clean damn are you kidding me did this mother just give a yelp review for his child prison camps i will say this you can see why donald trump is a salesman because this guy can spin anything that he did wrong into something positive donald did you just take a dump on my rug what i actually did was give you a really valuable conversation starter if you want i'll autograph it for you what's crazy to me is how screwed up trump's priorities are this dude has a meltdown when his tweets get hidden but when his administration is orphaning kids he's like whoa dude take a chill pill they get basic cable things aren't that bad now trump defended the zero tolerance policy that led to family separations by saying that under biden and obama migrants were just set loose and when biden tried to argue that most immigrants who were released still showed up for their mandated court dates donald trump was pretty skeptical about that claim if in fact you had a family came across and they were arrested they in fact were given a date to show up for their hearing they were released and guess what they showed up for a hearing when you say they come back they don't come back joe they never come back only the really i hate to say this but those with the lowest iq they might come back okay president trump and folks if i know anything it's people with low iqs i see one every morning when i'm brushing my teeth he does the same thing as me i'm brushing he's brushing why is he brushing at the same time i tell him to stop he says stop how is he in my house just to be clear what trump is saying is that he knows immigrants are supposed to come back for hearings but that only the stupidest people actually do it and aside from the fact that he's totally wrong it's amazing how donald trump always thinks that following the law is only for stupid people you know sometimes trump seems less like a president and more like a kid playing grand theft auto because that's the one place where if you're following the rules then you're definitely not doing it right dude why are you stopping at the traffic light you're supposed to mow over the pedestrians that's the point of the game not to mention this is setting such a bad example for immigrants like if i was an immigrant with an upcoming court date in america now i'd be like well now i can't show up the president will think i'm an idiot but the final big topic at last night's debates was racial equality and the black lives matter movement and once again trump was certain this was his time to shine nobody has done more for the black community than donald trump and if you look with the exception of abraham lincoln possible exception but the exception of abraham lincoln nobody has done what i've done i think i have great relationships with all people i am the least racist person in this room i am the least racist person i can't even see the audience because it's so dark but i don't care who's in the audience i'm the least racist person in this room man sometimes you gotta love trump he just threw the entire audience under the bus to make himself look good you realize his own wife was in that room but trump is like melania melania is way more racist than me she calls our housekeeper consuela and she says but that's her name and i'm like stop making excuses you're racist although to be fair to trump guys he has spent a lot of time with stephen miller steve bannon jeff sessions and the rest of the dude so i mean usually he probably is the least racist person in a room oh and by the way i love how he always says that he's done the most for black people with the possible exception of abraham the possible exception like yeah lincoln freed the slaves but trump gave omarosa like three jobs three jobs but there you have it last night's debate is done and with it the debate season of the 2020 election cycle is over it's been a long journey a long journey from that first debate with 4 000 democratic candidates up until now and you know what we thought we thought since we're saying goodbye let's take one last look at all the fun we had a billionaire who calls women fat broads and horse-faced lesbians i'm talking about mayor bloomberg if we're going to force americans to make these radical changes they're not going to go along throw your hands up but mr vice president there's a saying in my community you're dipping into the kool-aid and you don't even know the flavor if you agree with me go to joe 303 300. this is the kind of trend america might be leading we can have great presidents at any age you know there was a little girl in california and she was bused to school every day and that little girl was me representation my individual mandate was the most unpopular aspect of obamacare i got rid of it before we go i wanted to remind you that we are partnering up with world central kitchen for their new chefs for the poles program what they're doing is activating local food trucks restaurants and caterers that are owned and operated primarily by people of color and they're doing this to serve food to people in voting lines especially in underserved communities where the lions are historically longer if you can help out in any way then all you need to do is donate at the link below [Music] you

Channel: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

Views: 1,567,294

Keywords: the daily show, trevor noah, daily show with trevor noah, the daily show episodes, comedy central, comedians, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips, noah trevor, trevor noah latest episode, daily show, trevor, news, politics, daily show trump, trevor noah trump, trump, coronavirus, corona, virus, COVID, COVID-19, donald trump, joe biden, biden, presidential debate, debate, 2020 election, vote, obama, voting, early voting

Id: YIr6DH7s_dw

Length: 23min 2sec (1382 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 24 2020