What if you’re MARRIED TO A Narcissist?

we cannot go to therapy to fix someone else or to make someone else feel better we can only go to therapy to work on ourselves there seems to be more and more talk online about narcissism and today I want to specifically answer a question about what it's like to be married to someone who is a narcissist if you're new here my name is Katie Morton and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and today's question is Katie what do you do about a narcissistic spouse who refuses marriage therapy because he feels we don't quote unquote need it but we so clearly do he also promises change and then changes only occur for a day or two then it's back to the same [ __ ] I've been in therapy for eight years and I feel like I'm going to therapy for the both of us that is important remember that piece okay I also do everything my therapist suggests and she basically has told me that I've exhausted all her advice I don't know what to do but I don't want to get divorced we have two kids together three and a half years and five months old and we've been together for 12 years and I've been through his recovery from drugs and two withdrawals of his and he's been sober for nine years now we've been through a lot together and I've stuck through it all I do love him I'm not a quitter and I don't come from a family of divorce but I'm at a loss I feel like I'm putting in all the work and it's exhausting help there's so much to unpack here now first I want to address what a narcissist is because I feel like people throw around that term a lot and unfortunately some people are just [ __ ] other people are narcissists and they do exist but let's talk about what that is really briefly now someone who is a narcissist has a very elevated sense of self they don't have empathy for other people that's a huge piece and for most of us it's really hard for us to understand how you cannot care what someone else is going through but people with actual NPD or narcissistic personality disorder don't care how other people feel they only care about getting their own needs met okay that's why we want to hold on to that too because that's really important and because narcissists only care about getting their own needs met they can use a lot of varying behaviors to manipulate us to again get what they want so that could mean that they love bombs showing us an intense amount of affection pretending saying they're going to change and making change for a brief period all to get us to believe that and then we're more easily you know persuaded to do what they want they can also kind of do like splitting Behavior where they'll like throw us under the bus or think we're amazing um and that can be really confusing and difficult they can use gaslighting techniques like you're remembering things wrong there's a lot of things they can do again to get their own needs met first narcissists always put themselves first that's why they can't apologize they don't actually care how you feel so their apologies will be like I'm so sorry you feel that way then they'll kind of Gaslight they're like well I didn't remember it that way but I'm sorry if that's what you're thinking I'm sorry if right no acknowledgment of guilt no admission of any wrongdoing that's in a nutshell what a narcissist is is there more to it yes I have tons of videos about that if you want a deeper dive but for the sake of this question it's important that we understand that that's who this person's spouse is she's saying that he's a narcissist doesn't want to go to marriage therapy because we don't need it okay that's what a narcissist is let's move into therapy and narcissists because people don't talk about that very often but most likely a narcissist is not going to go to therapy because you guessed it they don't think anything's wrong with them it's wrong with you it's something you've done right they can't apologize they can't take ownership over their behavior they are not the problem the people in their life are the problem that's the way they view the world that's why it can be so painful to be with them and that's why in the case of this question this person's saying like I want to go to therapy but he doesn't think that we need it of course because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong I'd love to hear in the comments if you have different experiences but in my experience narcissists will only find themselves in therapy because they think that they're going to like prove that they're right or that the other person's wrong like they'll go once or twice with their partner or spouse because they've just had like I don't know a suicide attempt or a really difficult time postpartum depression they might go a little bit for that but that has nothing to do with anything being wrong with them that's really the only way I see it play now or if they're forced through a court order okay so that is probably why that'd be my guess my knee-jerk reaction as to why he thinks you don't need it because he doesn't see anything wrong with him or the relationship because again elevated sense of self I remember that thing I told you to hold on to about this question the portion where she said oh I've been in therapy for eight years and I feel like I'm going to therapy for the both of us now we're going to kind of move out of narcissism and into relationships and relationship building a key piece of any healthy relationship is shared burden and I don't maybe don't want to call it burden just shared work for the relationship now when someone goes to therapy and you feel like you're going to therapy for both of us but the other spouse isn't present that's never going to work we cannot fix other people or make things better for someone else we can only work on ourselves in therapy I'm going to say that again because I want you to hear it we cannot go to therapy to fix someone else or to make someone else feel better we can only go to therapy to work on ourselves and so if you feel like you're going to therapy for the both of you that means that your partner needs therapy and you as a couple probably need therapy like this and I'm not saying this person doesn't know this but that to me was a huge red flag because the problem with that belief that like I'm going to therapy for the both of us is that by you going to therapy that you can fix the relationship but you're only 50 of the relationship so you can only Fix 50 of it sure we can work on our communication skills and our ways of interacting and we can be a more compassionate and caring partner but if they're not changing then fifty percent of the relationship isn't shifting at all and we're still going to have the same problems because again fifty percent of the problem is still there does that make sense because too often I find that one member of a partnership will go into therapy and really the main issue is the relationship but they don't get into couples counseling which is what they should do where the couple is the actual client in the therapy setting and situation so you can work on it together instead they think well if I get better then the whole relationship will improve and that's never the case yes one member of a partnership can be the one that is is potentially causing more angst right let's say um like she's saying her husband's been it's been sober so let's say he wasn't you know someone who's the addict in the family is part of the problem but also our reaction to that addict is part of the problem too does that make sense we're all part of the problem when it's a relationship we all have our role I think that's why I like talking about the family dance but we call a couple dance too right we do these certain behaviors with each other we move together to the music we've created so that we like work together and whatever that dance is even if it's toxic even if it's painful we know how to do it and just because we stop doing it doesn't mean the music is stopped or that our partner stopped doing that dance we're just stepping on their toes and causing chaos right they can be really uncomfortable and it's not really going to get better unless they learn the new steps too does that make sense I just love to visualize it that way because I I don't know many dances I'm not a very good dancer and so I imagine myself stepping on Sean's toes while he's trying to do like you know like two-stepping or something and I like don't know how to do that so that's why we cannot go to therapy for both of us we can only go to therapy for ourselves and without the participation of a partner in the betterment of the relationship the relationship will not get better so that was the big piece to me for this question was that you both need to be in therapy and if he won't participate unfortunately I do not believe things will get better okay and that's why your therapist is like I think you've exhausted all my advice because you're doing everything you can but it's like running into a brick wall if we just keep doing that right we're not going to get anywhere we're just hitting our head into the same thing because our partner's not moving with us but here is the final thing I want to discuss is not wanting to get a divorce because you have kids and you've been through a lot together and you've stuck through it all with him and you're not a quitter okay now people who don't want to get divorced I respect that we do take vows I hold those very dear I know not everybody does and that's your own choice there's no judgment here but I respect your decision to not want to get a divorce however I believe you need to be really honest with yourself whether or not you're going to be happy in this relationship if nothing changes I know that's hard to hear I know that's hard to think about but that's really where we're at if he won't go to therapy and he won't work on things to improve it then what we've got is what we're gonna get okay When anybody tells me that they don't want to get divorced because of the kids my response is almost always I think you maybe should get divorced for the kids because the thing that people this kind of delusion that parents have is and yes I know I don't have children I know people might get angry already we don't have children so you know essentially shut the [ __ ] up but hear me out when we stay together for the kids what happens is our children grow up in an environment where Mom and Dad or Mom and Mom the parents are not happy and not having a healthy relationship and so our children grow up thinking that that is the ideal or the quote-unquote healthy relationship when it really isn't and that to me is more dangerous than having real conversations with our children about relationships and that sometimes they end and then watching us maybe in the future potentially engage in healthier relationships or watching us navigate this in a as kind of a way as we can with our ex-spouse or ex-partner that to me is way healthier for children I don't know if any of you are Children of Divorce I'd love to hear your thoughts on this but that's what I believe to be a better thing to do don't hang on to a relationship for the kids the kids need to see what healthy Dynamics are like what a real relationship looks like so that they can create that in their own life going forward okay and then the final component of this that you you've stuck through it all when anybody ever tells me like but I've been with them through all of this and I've stuck through it we've been through so we have so much history together there's a huge part of me as a therapist who always thinks that maybe that's a piece of our own personality or what we Define ourselves as it's a huge part of who we believe we are is the person who sticks it out doesn't give up sometimes that has probably really served us well right especially when it comes to jobs probably school and career based things even maybe Sports growing up when we stick things out and we push through we persevere that scene is a good trait right for a second let me tell you a little story okay imagine that you're standing on the edge of a riverbank and you have put this weight attached to your ankle and you've hooked it back on the dirt because you have to go right to the edge in order to scoop water up to bring it back for your family okay so right on the edge of this like raging River we have this big weight and it's hooked in on the dirt behind us and for years we use this technique and it really holds us and keeps us safe and it feels good but then one day all the dirt washes out the river swoops in this big wave washes all the dirt out from underneath your feet and under your anchor and pulls you into the river and at that point you realize that anchor is going to kill you it's going to drown you it's pulling you down and there is nothing you can do because you have this huge weight attached to your foot and so in order to survive sometimes you have to let go we have to unhook that weight we have to get our key out and release it and sometimes that is a relationship there are times when it could have saved us or a definition of self right if perseverance is who I am for years that could have helped me move forward that could help me get water out of that River it could have helped me survive and get a good job or graduate the top of my class but sometimes those attributes that are beneficial in one situation in another situation become detrimental and I always am suspicious when someone's like but this is what I do I stick it out I don't give up on people I understand that that's probably part of how you define yourself but I wonder if that's now like that anchor in the water and it's pulling you down and it's actually doing more harm than good it's kind of like the way I talk about coping skills right we self-injury eating disorders even addiction to alcohol and drugs there's a time in our life when those things serve a purpose right they actually help us they numb us out give us something else to focus on until we get through the tumultuous time but then there comes a time where like let's say that raging River gets calm again we don't need it anymore it's actually not helping right and so we have to let go of how we Define ourselves maybe or we have to let go of that unhealthy coping skill and figure out other ways to manage our life does that make sense I hope so because in the way that you're kind of describing this like you know I've stuck through it all I also am curious like has he stuck through things with you too because relationships should be give and take we're not keeping score but there should be this kind of ebb and flow to someone giving someone taking and in narcissistic relationships I find that a lot of times the one who is a narcissist is doing the majority of the taking and almost no giving and so those are really my thoughts I know it sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this but just remember we can't make someone want to get better we can't control other people I honestly believe the sooner we admit that to ourselves and realize that the sooner we'll start to feel better and our relationships will also improve I hope that helps I know that can be difficult to hear but I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments happy to talk about this more have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time

Channel: Kati Morton

Views: 34,193

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, dating a narcissist, married to a narcissist, married to a narcissist wife, married to a narcissist man, married to a narcissist husband, can you fix a narcissist, can you fix a narcissistic relationship, am I narcissistic, is my partner narcissistic, narcissistic relationships, narcissism relationships, how to fix a narcissist, can you fix narcissism, narcissism explained, kati morton narcissism, narcissistic partner, narcissistic spouse

Id: HBGeu1t5wfE

Length: 14min 33sec (873 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 01 2023