♪♪ >> It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [ Cheers and applause ] >> Thank you. Thank you. Alright, alright. Good evening. Good evening, everyone. >> Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che. >> I'm Colin Jost. Well... [ Cheers and applause ] IT'S NOT LIKE THEY SUDDENLY TURN INTO MINORITIES. UNLESS IT'S HALLOWEEN. TUCKER CARLSON'S GOT A LOT OF NERVE PUSHING THESE WILD CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BECAUSE IF HE THINKS THE GOVERNMENT HAS A SECRET PLOT TO HELP THE MINORITIES HE MUST BE SMOKING THAT CRACK THEY SECRETLY PUT IN NEIGHBORHOODS. >>> ENABLED WHITE SUPREMACY AND -- CHENEY REJECTED THE ATTACKS CALLING THEM CHEAPER THAN A BLACK RABBI. >> DOUG MASTRIANO, WHOSE FACE APPEARS TO BE PHOTOSHOPPED ON TO A HOT DOG WON THE PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICAN PRIMARY FOR GOVERNOR AND SAID IF HE'S ELECTED HE'D BE SO FAR TO THE RIGHT HE'D MAKE DeSANTIS LOOK LIKE A CENTRIST. >> ELON MUSK DEFENDED HIMSELF FROM ALLEGATIONS THAT HE REPORTEDLY EXPOSED HIMSELF TO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON HIS PRIVATE JET, SAYING, QUOTE, IF I WERE INCLINED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL HARASSMENT, THIS IS UNLIKELY TO BE THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE 30-YEAR CAREER THAT IT COMES TO LIGHT. OOH, SORRY, WE WERE LOOKING FOR A SIMPLE "DID NOT DO IT". THE ANSWER WAS, DID NOT DO IT. >>> REPUBLICANS IN GEORGIA ARE CONCERNED DOMINIC THIEM ENDORSED CANDIDATES IN THE PRIMARIES WHO ARE NOT QUALIFIED. FOR INSTANCE, HIS PICK FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL IS LITERALLY '90s ACTION STAR STEVEN SEGAL. NOW, THAT'S NOT TRUE, BUT WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT TRUMP THAT YOU DIDN'T DOUBT IT FOR A SECOND? >> RICH PARENTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE REPORTEDLY STOCKING UP ON BLACK MARKET BABY FORMULA, WHICH I ASSUME IS FORMULA THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO BLACK MARKETS. >> TAYLOR SWIFT GAVE A COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT NYU'S GRADUATION CEREMONY THIS WEEK, BECAUSE COLLEGE IS A LOT LIKE BREAKING ONE TAYLOR SWIFT. YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BE PAYING FOR IT DECADES LATER. >> FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP IS WRITING A BOOK, IT WILL CONTAIN 8,000 COMMAS AND NO PERIODS. >> WITH COVID RESTRICTIONS RELAXING, MANY AMERICANS ARE PLANNING TO TRAVEL ABROAD. HERE WITH HIS TIP FOR INTERNATIONAL ROMANTIC GO AHEADAWAYS IS A GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT. >> MWAH! [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] GUESS WHO'S GOT TWO TICKETS TO BUMPING THIGHS? YES! >> I'M ALREADY REGRETTING THIS. BUT LET'S HERE SOME OF YOUR TRAVEL TIPS. >> YOU GOT IT. LET'S TALK BEST PLACE TO GET THE BEST LAYS ON VACAY. HEAD DOWN TO THE FRENCH RIVIERA TO SEE CANS. SOON SHE'LL WANT YOU TO BE LIKE NAPOLEON AND BONE HER PART. I HAVE A SMALL PENIS. DON'T JUST SAY IN FRANCE, AS MANY WOMEN TOLD YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE AROUND DOWN THERE. EURO TRAIL IS YOUR TICKET TO EURO TAIL. MAYBE TRY BERLIN TO REEL HER IN. YOU'LL BE IN HER BLACK FOREST AND SHE'LL BE MOANING AND YOUR EAR, THIS IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN GERMANY. >> COME ON, MAN. >> OH, YEAH. COME ON, I SHALL. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A UGLO AMERICANO, GRAB A GUIDE BOOK. RICK STEVES LEADS TO SLICK BEAVIS. AND THERE'S NOTHING SCARIER THAN A LANGUAGE BEARER. A LITTLE DUO LINGO AND YOU'LL ANDB DOING LINGUS. [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] >> YOUR HAM IS TINY? >> SI. SPEAKING OF SMALL SERVINGS, HEAD TO BARCELONA FROM THE AMALFI COAST. TO GET YOUR BOLOGNA INTO SOME -- DON'T FORGET ABOUT HER NAPLES IF YOU WANT HER TO GOBBLE GOO. >> OH, MY GOD. PEOPLE ARE LIKE VISIBLY SICK. WHY WOULD ANY WOMAN WANT TO BE WITH YOU? >> I HAVE TO ADMIT, I HAVE DRIVEN MANY A LADY TO THE ISLE OF LESBOS IN MY BOAT. >> GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT, >>> PARAMOUNT PLUS ANNOUNCED THEY ARE MAKING A NEW YELLOWSTONE PRE-QUEL SERIES WITH HARRISON FORD AND HELEN MIRIN. >>> THE NEWEST STATE WITH THE HIGHEST OBESITY IN THE COUNTRY IS MIKE "THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO. IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, DOCTORS HAD TO REMOVE ITS FOOT. >>> AN ATTENDANT ON A FRONTIER AIRLINES FLIGHT HELPED DELIVER A BABY, BECAUSE ON FRONTIER IT'S NOT WORTH ASKING IF ANYONE'S A DOCTOR. >>> QUEEN ELIZABETH MADE A SURPRISE PUBLIC APPEARANCE THIS WEEK AT THE OPENING OF A NEW TRAIN LINE IN LONDON AFTER PRINCE CHARLES TIED HER TO THE TRACKS. IT'S NOT REAL. >>> A PAINTING BY PABLO PICASSO PORTRAYING HIS LOVER AS A SEA CREATURE WAS SOLD AT AUCTION FOR $67 MILLION. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL ABSTRACT EXPRESSION OF HIS LOVE AND ADMIRATION THAT HE NAMED "TITTY SQUID." >> THERE ARE A GROWING NUMBER OF NUNS JOINING TIKTOK TO SHOW WHAT LIFE IN A CONVENT IS REALLY LIKE. BECAUSE WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TRIES TO CONNECT WITH YOUNG PEOPLE, IT ALWAYS GOES WELL. >>> THIS WILL GET YOU BACK. A SCHOOL DISTRICT IN FLORIDA IS INVESTIGATING A PICTURE POSTED ONLINE OF STUDENTS SPELLING OUT THE "N" WORD. IT'S A SHOCKING INSTANCE OF FLORIDA STUDENTS BEING ABLE TO SPELL. >>> WELL, IT'S ALMOST SUMMER AND AS THE WEATHER CHANGES, SO DO STYLES AND TRENDS. HERE TO COMMENT ON WHAT'S IN FOR SUMMER ARE TWO TREND FORECASTERS. WELL, THANKS FOR COMING BACK. I CAN SEE YOU'RE READY FOR THE WARM WEATHER. >> YES. WE HAD A MEETING THIS MORNING WITH THE SUN. >> WE TYPED WHAT IT TOLD US INTO A BIG, THROBBING COMPUTER. HERE IS -- >> THE REPORT. >> OUR FIRST CATEGORY IS SUMMER FRUIT TRENDS. >> IN, GRAPES WITH SEEDS. >> IN, TYING CHERRY STEM WITH TONGUE TO IMPRESS FOR SEX. >> IN, "WATERMELON SUGAR" SONG. >> AND OUT -- >> NAVEL ORANGE! >> NAVEL ORANGE, EW. I HAVE BELLY BUTTON. YOU'RE FRUIT! >> WHAT'S NEXT? HONEYDEWS WITH C-SECTION SCARS? >> HIT IT NAVAL ORANGE, GO TO BED, BITCH! >> WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS HAVE TO YELL? >> BECAUSE IF WE WHISPER, NO ONE LISTENS! OUR NEXT CATEGORY IS -- >> GREETING TRENDS. >> IN, "HEY!" >> IN, "KATHERINE?" >> IN, "COME ON IN, GUYS, WELCOME TO HOOTERS." >> AND OUT -- >> THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. >> HUH? >> NO, YOU'RE FLYING A PLANE, NOT HOSTING A PODCAST. >> YOU'RE A PILOT. CAPTAINS ARE FOR BOATS, YOU SKY BITCH! >> BY THE WAY, YOUR GIRL WORKERS ARE GIVING ME VODKA BACK HERE. WE'RE HAVING AN AMAZING TIME WITHOUT YOU. GO TO BED, BITCH! >> ARE YOU GUYS OKAY? >> HMM? >> ARE YOU OKAY? [ SCREAMING ] >> NO! WE'RE TERRIFIED! BECAUSE THE NEXT CATEGORY IS HERE. >> TIME TRENDS. >> IN, 3:25 P.M. >> IN, ABOUT 10 TO 15 MINUTES. >> IN, MIDNIGHT WHEN YOU TURN TO PUMPKIN. >> AND OUT -- >> WHEN THE KITCHEN IS CLOSED! >> WHEN THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED, HOW INTERESTING. I CAN SEE PEOPLE MOVING AROUND BACK THERE. >> ALL I WANT IS A COMPLICATED DISH THAT'S NOT ON THE MENU, AND I'M ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING! >> THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED? >> GO TO BED, BITCH! >> I LOVE WHEN YOU COME, BUT I NEVER UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING. >> GOOD, ENJOY THE VIEW. >> AND PAY ATTENTION TO -- >> FUTURE TRENDS! >> IN, 10 NICE YEARS. >> IN, A FRIEND I REALLY COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT. >> AND WHOA, LOOK WHO'S BACK IN -- >> IT'S NAVEL ORANGE. WE LOVE YOU, GIRL. >> CONGRATULATIONS, NAVEL ORANGE. >> WHAT'S GOING TO BE OUT IN THE FUTURE? >> WELL, MICHAEL, THE COMPUTER HAS OUSTED THREE TRENDS. >> AND YOU KNOW THEY HAVE TO BE EVICTED TO HELL. >> OUT IS PRETTILE LITTLE BOUQUET. >> EXPENSIVE TIARA. >> AND MICHAEL CHE! >> NO! >> BUT I'M JUST HEARING SOMETHING NEW IS IN. IN, MY BEST GUYS KISSING ME. >> WELL, THEN, WE MUST. >> MWAH! >> TREND FORECASTERS, EVERYBODY. >> LOVE YOU! >> AIDY BRYANT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> A MANAGER OF AN ARBY'S -- THIS IS A TERRIBLE TRANSITION. A MANAGER OF AN ARBY'S IN WASHINGTON HAS BEEN ARREST FOR DISTRIBUTING CHILD PORN. IF FOUND GUILTY HE COULD FACE TO YEARS AT SUBWAY. THE MAN TOLD POLICE HE URINATED IN MILK SHAKES FOR HIS OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION. AUTHORITIES NOTICED THE MILK SHAKES TASTED BETTER. >> ARBY'S. WE HAVE THE PEEPEE SHAKES. >>> A CALIFORNIA HIKER WHO WAS ATTACKED BY A MOUNTAIN LION SAID HER DOG SAVED HER LIFE BY JUMPING TO HER DEFENSE BECAUSE AFTER THE DOG, THE MOUNTAIN LION WAS WAY TOO FULL TO EAT ANYTHING ELSE. >> IT'S NOT REAL! >> A BRITISH WOMAN DISCOVERED WHEN SHE GOT PREGNANT THAT SHE HAD A SECOND TINY VAGINA. UH, YEAH, THE BUTT. >>> A WOMAN IN MARYLAND GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE A DAY AFTER HER 82nd BIRTHDAY. APPARENTLY IT TOOK HER SO LONG BECAUSE SHE'S VERY, VERY DUMB. I DON'T KNOW. A WOMAN IN MARYLAND GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE A DAY AFTER HER 82nd BIRTHDAY. BUT I HEARD THEY ONLY PASSED HER BECAUSE HER ROOMMATE DIED. >>> WELL, GUYS, IT IS THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE SEASON. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS PETE DAVIDSON. >> HELLO, THANK YOU. HELLO. THANKS. HELLO, COLIN AND CHE AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ONLY WATCHING TO SEE IF I BRING UP KANYE. >> YEAH, YOU HAD A WEIRD YEAR. >> YEAH. I JUST -- I NEVER IMAGINED THIS WOULD BE MY LIFE. LOOK AT ME WHEN I STARTED HERE. BACK THEN I WAS JUST LIKE A SKINNY KID AND NO ONE KNEW WHAT RACE I WAS. LIKE NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS I'M WHITE BECAUSE I BECAME HUGELY SUCCESSFUL WHILE BARELY SHOWING UP TO WORK. AND LIKE, LOOK AT ME NOW. I'M AGING LIKE AN OLD BANANA, AND COLIN STILL LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY KENNEDY WHO DOESN'T DRINK. >> THANKS, PETE. SO, ARE YOU OFFICIALLY LEAVING? >> YEAH, MAN, LORNE ACCIDENTALLY GIFTED ME A SOCK, SO I'M FREE. >> HAS A LOT CHANGED SINCE YOU STARTED HERE? >> A LOT HAS CHANGED. IN THREE YEARS FOX NEWS WENT FROM CALLING ME A MONSTER FOR MAKING FUN OF CONGRESSMAN DAN CRENSHAW'S EYE PATCH TO ALSO MAKING FUN OF HIS EYE PATCH. TUCKER CARLSON CALLED HIM EYE PATCH McCAIN. THAT'S TWO VETERAN INSULTS IN ONE. YOUR DAD'S A DICK. >> I'M NOT RELATED TO TUCKER CARLSON. >> LEARN SOMETHING EVERY DAY. IN FAIRNESS, WHAT I SAID, BECAUSE IT STILL BOTHERS ME, I WAS MAKING A JOKE ABOUT SOMEONE'S EXPERIENCE WITHOUT REALIZING THE MEDICAL CONDITION BEHIND IT WAS A SENSITIVE ISSUE, WHICH IS A "SNL" TRADITION. ON ONE HAND I DON'T LIKE A GUY RUNS UP ON STAGE. MY CHOSE WILL BE SOLD OUT. >> IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'RE GOING TO MISS? >> LORNE FOR SURE. HE'S LED US THROUGH THE COVID ERA. THE ONLY TIME HE WEARS A MASK IS AT HIS "EYES WIDE SHUT" PARTIES. NO, HE REALLY ALWAYS GIVES ME THE BEST ADVICE. THIS IS ALL TRUE. I'LL NEVER FORGET. I CALLED HIM WHEN I GOT ENGAGED. I WAS LIKE, "LORNE, I JUST GOT ENGAGED TO ARIANA GRANDE AFTER DATING HER FOR TWO WEEKS." HE GOES, "OH, HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE." IT'S A TRUE STORY. AND THEN WHEN I AUDITIONED FOR "SNL" HE SAID, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE RIGHT FOR THIS SHOW, SO LET'S SCREW THIS UP TOGETHER. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE DID. AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK I DESERVE THE JOB SHOULDN'T REALLY HATE ME SINCE WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. LIKE, IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD INSPIRE HOPE THAT LITERALLY ANYONE CAN BE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." SERIOUSLY, YOU SEE A GUY BUMMING CIGARETTES OUTSIDE A 7-ELEVEN AT 2:00 A.M., THAT'S NOT SOME METH HEAD, THAT'S THE NEXT PETE DAVIDSON. >> I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, PETE. >> THANKS, COLIN, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT'S ON YOUR CUE CARD. YOU HAVE BEEN LIKE A BROTHER TO ME, IN THAT MY MOM LOVES YOU MORE. >> I APPRECIATE "SNL," LORN FOR NEVER GIVING UP ON ME AND BELIEVING IN ME AND ALLOWING ME TO HAVE A PLACE THAT, LIKE, I COULD CALL HOME WITH MEMORIES THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME, SO THANK YOU GUYS. >> PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST.
