Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Thanksgiving Dating Tips - SNL

>> GUYS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, BUT THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK. HERE WITH HIS THANKSGIVING DATING TIPS IS A GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY. ♪ OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH MY WOOD ♪ THROBBLE, THROBBLE, EVERYBODY. HAPPY THANKS-SNIFFING. >> OH, GOD. >> THANKS SNIFFING? >> INDEED. ACTUALLY I WAS OUT OF THE GAME FOR SKOSH. I WAS FIGHTING OVERSEAS. >> OH, MY GOD. YOU WERE IN THE MILITARY? >> NO. I WAS FIGHTING OVER Cs. SHE WANTED Bs, BUT I SAID, "HEY, I'M PAYING FOR 'EM. GET THE CUPGRADE." >> NO. >> NOW, LET'S TALK TURKEY. SHALL WE? HERE'S SOME HOLIDAY DATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAY SLEAZE-ON. IF YOU WANT YOUR FEST TO BE GASHTAG BLESSED, YOU BETTER BE LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL -- PREPPED. >> YEAH. JUST BEFORE YOU GO ON CAN I REMIND YOU THAT THANKSGIVING IS A FAMILY HOLIDAY, OKAY? >> SURE, I'LL DO MY BREAST. NOW, IF YOU'RE AT A FRIENDSGIVE AND IN CHARGE OF THE TURK, DON'T BE A JERK. HERE'S HOW TO MAKE IT TWERK. SLIDE SOME LAND O'LAKES UNDER THE SKIN TO MAKE THAT WHITE MEAT WET. AND BUST OUT THE REAL CRANBERRIES AND SHE'S GUARANTEED TO OCEAN SPRAY. I HAVE A SMALL PENIS. >> WHAT? >> NOW, IF YOU WANT TO GET POT-LUCKY, BRING A TIME TESTED SIDE TO THE TABE. THE RIGHT SIDE DISH LEADS TO SLIDE FISH. STICK THE LANDING AND YOU'LL BE LIKE STOVE TOP. STUFFING AN OPEN BIRD. AND TRUST ME, BY THEN SHE'LL BE SAYING THOSE MAGIC WORDS, JUST USE YOUR FINGER, IT'S BIGGER. REMEMBER, MAC AND CHEESE LEADS TO RACK AND SQUEEZE. >> WHAT'S GOING ON? >> AND IF YOU PUT IN THE EFF BEFORE YOU CORNOCOPULATE, EVERYTHING WILL BE ON THE MENU. HER CANDIED GAMS. HER VULVEETA. EVEN HER GREEN BEAN ASSEROLE. MY DONG IS AFTER MY BALLS. >> GOOD GOD, DUDE. >> LOOK. T-GIVES IS A GRANDE DAY. TOO MUCH FOR ONE HONCHO. SO, HERE TO 'SPLAIN THE REST IS MY FRA-BRASH FROM SIGGIE-EPS, GUY WHO KNOWS THE OWNER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THERE'S MY GUY. >> TIGHT TO BE HERE, COJO. I WAS JUST IN THE AREOLA. >> WHOA. >> I'M SORRY. THIS GUY IS NOT ON MY LIST. >> PLEASE, I KNOW THE OWNER. >> RULE NUMERO UN. THIS THANKSGIVING, IF YOU WANT TO MOVE OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE AND INTO HER END ZONE, PAY HER A COMPLIMENT. LIKE, "NICE COOKING." OR "I'D HAVE SEX WITH YOU." REMEMBER, CLASS LEADS TO ASS. THIS DONG IS HUGE AND IT CAN'T GET HARD. AFTER THE MAIN INTERCOURSE, YOU'LL WANT TO LOOSEN YOUR BELT. BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR A LONG WINTER'S FAP. TAKES THREE HOURS. NOTHING COMES OUT. IT'S A LOAF OF WET BREAD. OR PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT AND SHE'LL SLIP OFF HER LOUBOU-T PUMPS AND PLAY A LITTLE UNDER THE TABLE FOOTSIE THAT WILL HAVE HER SAYING, IS THAT A GIANT OLD SOFT DECAYING BANANA IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST INTERESTED TO SEE ME? >> THAT'S WHAT SHE'LL SAY? THAT'S HARD TO UNPACK. >> SO'S MY WANG. IT'S A SKIN SLINKY, COL. >> YOU GUYS HAVE TO LEAVE. I'M SORRY. >> HEY, HOLD ON. WHAT DOES GRAVY HAVE IN COMMON WITH THIS DUDE? >> WHAT? >> WE BOTH COME IN A BOAT! >> OH, GOD. >> THAT'S TWO BEST FRIENDS, EVERYONE. >> SEE YOU AT THE PARADE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Channel: Saturday Night Live

Views: 4,028,246

Keywords: nbc, snl, saturday night live, snl 45, snl season 45, season 45, weekend update, weekend update snl, saturday night live weekend update, update, snl update, colin jost, michael che, guy who just bought a boat, alex moffat, ryan reynolds, s45, s45e7, episode 7, live, new york, comedy, sketch, funny, hilarious, late night, host, music, guest, laugh, impersonation, actor, musician, Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell SNL, Step Brothers, Elf, Anchorman, Talladega Nights, More Cowbell

Id: a7NarmrZeC4

Length: 4min 14sec (254 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 24 2019