Right Wing Crazies Gather to Praise Trump, Santos’ Lies Hit New Heights & MTG Wants National Divorce

thanks for watching thanks for coming from joining us here in uh Hollywood where we had our first beautiful day in quite some time spring is around the corner Easter is like a month away and if you're looking to mix things up with the kids this year if you're looking to do better than a basket full of plastic and grass you might want to get an order in for one of these this is the tomb and rock rollaway standoff it's uh you can reenact the resurrection in lovingly crafted cardboard for only 49.98 again I guess people buy this because there are 72 reviews there's a one great prop I was disappointed when I saw the size of the box but impressed when it unfolded into a solid cardboard tomb the rollaway rocket a real opening into the tomb the kids loved it kids love tombs tomb shortly before sunrise this is the second one I've ordered this one's for church the other I've used it at home for years it's beautiful and it was a huge success at my son's seventh birthday swimming party that's some Team all the kids came out baptized it was incredible in Washington the fascist and the Furious have gathered to praise their lord and savior Donald Trump at the annual CPAC convention this is a convention for all your worst aunts and uncles it's uh Mara loudo is performing on Saturday night he's given a big speech he said I will be at CPAC on Saturday talking about the fact that obviously our country is going to hell and how to fix it or at least the first part the tandelorium was very fired up today he wrote they're not in all caps coming from me they're coming for you I'm just in their way no they're coming for you they're when you get arrested none of the rest of us are going to prison with you you're going to be in there begging for hairspray alone pack event it's kind of hard to explain every like low rent radio host and podcast racist with a die job and a police have asked Joe's up to try to out crazy each other remember the first seasons of American Idol when the losers would just line up and be mowed down by Simon Cowell it's like that boat without Simon Cowell so instead you get people like Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana who delighted the crowd with a series of Homespun zingers so hilarious he's taking his act on the road tux medicated pads presents Senator John Kennedy as you've always seen him before the most hilarious side-splitting Louisiana government official of all time if you put President Biden in charge of the Sahara Desert he would run out of sand Senator Kennedy takes no prisoners tastes like I'd rather be fat he isn't afraid to tell the truth the truth is that to a bear we all taste like chicken bring the whole family to hear what the New Orleans Times Picayune called the folksy ramblings of a daughtering old woman how do you sleep at night knowing that some people don't like you and I tell them with the fan on live dry overnight diapers for adults it's the canvas comedy event of the Year John F Kennedy the f is for funny we are going to have to get some new conspiracy theories because all the old ones came true safe step walk-in tubs presents the Senator John Kennedy Comedy Tour coming to a Cracker Barrel near you I really like dogs make them special tomorrow at CPAC Donnie Kong Jr takes the stage DJ TJ has been lashing out at any Republican who dares to challenge daddy including former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan who found himself on the bad breath side of Don Jr's wrath Paul Ryan will not be attending the Republican National Convention if Trump is the nominee and no one gives a crap literally no one this guy is the guy on the board Fox News which also explains a lot about the direction and some of the content I'm seeing out there folks this explains to me almost everything frankly I know I haven't been invited almost six months now he looks great whatever he's doing is working meanwhile Mike Pence not only is the former Vice poodle skipping CPAC this year he's appears to be distancing himself even further from his former boss the former president if he is the nominee would you support him well I think we'll have better choices and I really trust uh Republican voters that's not a yes in terms of supporting Trump I'm very confident uh we'll have better choices so no is it has anyone dodged more questions than Mike Pence I also want to point out this man was Donald Trump's vice president and he wouldn't vote for him do you realize how unusual that is it's like if macaroni said goodbye to cheese it's the white house today unveiled President Biden's new cyber security plan and while you might think letting Joe Biden spearhead cyber security makes about as much sense as asking Grandpa to set up your Xbox he's not kidding around he's going all in I'm Joe Biden and I approve his message I already president Joey baloney some of the younger bucks around here but tell me we got to beef up our security against the cyborgs it's no joke man cyborgs and computers could be scares all heck when I was growing up if a machine was causing trouble it just found a crescent wrench and gave it a good whack and that kids won't be humming again in no time but now the Chinese appearing into your tricky talks and bad news from Nigeria would not sending hot males promising to increase the size of your Johnny doodle don't click them links man they're bad news that's how cyborgs get it to you YouTubes so go read the nuts and bolts of my plan just fire up the old IBM type in White House period go V sideways line then something else oh oh whoops screens on the fritz I must have pressed to watch through some maybe this holy cow I'm a cow Jill Jill good get Hunter Jr in here foreign [Applause] things are not going swimmingly for future former Congressman George Santos the house Ethics Committee today launched an official investigation into whether he broke the law Santos's office said he's fully cooperating with the investigation which means he probably fled the country it's in Guatemala right now the investigation comes as rumors continue to swirl about the identity of his new campaign Treasurer Andrew Olsen nobody seems to know where or who Andrew Olsen is he hasn't responded to any attempts to contact him the address they provided for him leads to an apartment building that Santo shared with his sister she's moved nobody who lives there seems to have heard of him which is incredible I mean serious What if after all after all the crazy lies and stories and grits the many questions about words money came from his bogus resume What if after all that with the attention of the whole country on George Santos he went ahead and made up a fake person to be his campaign Treasurer I mean he just said oh yeah I'll say his name's Andrew Olson he lives at my sister's place you'd almost have to hand it to him it's pathological on a level none of us have ever experienced before it's like if I came out here and told you I was a labradoodle and then you were like oh you're not a labradoodle and I was like woof and I just kept barking until you gave me a treat so now a bipartisan group is investigating in the entire history of the House of Representatives only five members have ever been expelled three for supporting the Confederate rebellion in 1861 back then they used to expel you for supporting an Insurrection and two who were convicted of bribery but still a lot of people think George Santos is done I mean I don't know the guy survived storm in the beach at Normandy I think he could probably survive that now Marjorie teller green is um not on the house Ethics Committee she didn't have any but she's been making rounds of the right-wing media to complain over and over and over again that she got heckled at dinner the other night and also to continue her call for what she says is a national divorce you've seen me over the past week or so calling for a national divorce because I really believe that you know if we have we have states red States and blue States well you know what they can abolish their police they can transition their children no matter how much I disagree with it um and they can have their wide open borders and we can secure our borders we can protect our children and we can support our police officers and we can we can be left alone because we're fed up with these people we're sick and tired of them you know Marge and her husband just got divorced so now she thinks the whole country should split up too I mean how would how would that work exactly seriously would Alabama go move into an apartment I really want to know how she sees this divorce working would we share custody of Mississippi I think we should take her up on it let her figure it out you know uh this is something according to the U.S patent office Ford the automaker considered building self-driving cars that can repossess themselves about two years ago they filed a patent that laid out a design for vehicles that could drive themselves back to the dealership if the customer doesn't pay his bill can you imagine like getting evicted from your condo you go outside and you see your F-150 is leaving you too and for some very weird country songs so that wasn't it either Ford also proposed a variety of punishments for car owners who are late on their payments including a vehicle that could disable its own air conditioning and take full control of the car basically every time you drive it would be like being in a Saw movie you want to use the brakes venmo 50 bucks or you're going down a hill and obviously customers got nervous when they heard it so Ford put out a statement they want to make it clear they're not going through with the plan even though if they did it's not all bad your car could also when you get high go to Taco Bell and get your a garbage bag full of chalupas let's go today uh in case you don't know today is National read Across America day it was founded by the National Education Association to encourage reading uh it's March 2nd National reading days also Bon Jovi's birthday and I think we know which one we're more likely to celebrate but since today's a special day of books we went out in the Hollywood Boulevard we asked pedestrians what's the last book you read and the results are as you might guess terrifying [Music] it's National read Across America day what's the last book you read oh dear um honestly I haven't read a book the last book I read I actually don't remember um what was the last book you read oh good lord um if it's not in the on the phone gosh the last book I read wow uh I don't even remember like you're probably To Kill a Mockingbird like pops into my head but and what happened in that book yeah it's probably from high school what book did I read that's embarrassing what's the last thing you read I don't think don't read books can you name a book uh not on top of my head so long we'll wait um I can't remember it's been a while but I've read uh like the first two books of the Harry Potter why'd you stop at book two uh well it's just the world's so fast man you can't get caught in something so quick you know what I'm saying you gotta you're reading a book can't stay there the whole time you just gotta go do something else come back to it that's what I think don't you wonder what happens to Harry I've seen the movies Harry Little's here yeah the last book I read the last American book the history say it again the history and what happened in that book um the community the the the world and who wrote that book um Erica new from Random House the history the community the world written by America available at Walgreens [Applause] foreign

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,868,000

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Easter, Washington, Politics, Donald Trump, CPAC, Trump, Truth Social, John Kennedy, DJTJ, Don Jr, Mike Pence, White House, Joe Biden, Cyber Security Plan, Congressman, George Santos, House Ethics Committee, Marjorie Taylor Greene, MTG, Ford, Man on the Street

Id: lFKQRmGoD9k

Length: 13min 28sec (808 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 03 2023