- Laugh at the elderly if you must. Think them fragile. Make fun of them for their
inability to operate Facebook. But do you have the fortitude they contain to look directly into death
upon waking every morning? I don't think that you do.
(laughing) Perhaps look inwards and
ask if you could live the life that they do before you get on your Instagram. Everyone's on their phones these days. (laughing) This is Golden Girls. - Hey everybody, welcome to TablePop! This is Dorkly's RPG
show where we take movies and television shows and
other things like that and try to adapt them into
tabletop role-playing games, usually to curious results,
I think is a generous interpretation of that. I am your host and game
master, Brian Miller and today we're doing Golden Girls, a show I had not seen
until a couple of days ago and I actually thought it was delightful. - It's good I watched clips.
- I really liked it! - A true delight.
- Actually a huge part of television history.
- Yeah. It was definitely my blind spot. - I just wanna take a moment
to thank Yoda for being here to do that intro today.
- Oh, yeah. - [Carolyn] That was so nice, master Yoda. - Thank you. No, Yoda's all like, with the elderly-- - No, it was your syntax.
- Oh, was it backwards? Look, my brain is not at its
highest functioning capacity. - Yoda or no, it's my buddy Eli Yudin! - Hello, it's me. The end, thank you for coming to the internet to watch this. - [Brian] What is your
Golden Girls experience? - I watched a clip called
"The Best of Dorothy." 'Cause I'm Dorothy.
- Great, great. - It was pretty good, I liked it. I laughed out loud on the train. (Brian laughing)
Chuckled. - There are some like, I
was surprised by how, no, this is a humorous sitcom. - Her mother is emotionally abusive to her a lot in the show. Then she snaps back. That's what I saw. - Across the table, as
always, my good friend Carolyn Page, what's up, dude? - Hey! It's me!
(laughing) - [Eli] What is going
on with everyone today? - Beep boop, I dunno!
- These lights are hot! - It's 400 degrees outside.
- Yeah. Christ, brutal out there. I like Golden Girls. A friend slash former drug dealer of mine loved Golden Girls.
(Brian laughing) - This is being recorded.
- And would watch it, it's a legal drug, in Cambodia. She would watch it constantly. Every day she would watch Golden Girls and I like the show, it's very funny. But how can that be the
only thing you watch? - You saw your drug dealer every day? (Taylor laughing)
- No, but we would talk. - What is your past?
- That's your fault if you don't have a relationship
with your drug dealer. They're people.
- They're people too! - [Taylor] They're not just... (laughing) - Anyway!
- Anyway. - Guys, our guest this week,
so excited to have her, from the Kim Possible
Movie, it's Taylor Ortega! - I'm so happy to be here.
- Thank you so much for coming this is, you had scoffed a
little bit when I had mentioned I hadn't watched Golden Girls. - Yeah, it's a really good show, it's tight TV, it's
tight, tight TV, folks. It's, I don't know if I would
call Golden Girls a joke, but you know what, I
will, it's a joke machine. I think it's funny.
(Carolyn laughing) I think it's great. They're all hilarious,
it seemed like a fun, from the pilot, seems
like a fun show to be on. Like it seems like they're
having a lot of fun. - [Brian] Definitely, yeah, definitely. - So I do think it's
funny that they all look incredibly old and then you
find out they're like maybe 60. - Yeah.
(laughing) - It's definitely, I think,
the only TablePop thing where like I watched it for
TablePop and I was like, no, I'm gonna watch more of this. This was delightful.
- I haven't watched anything, but I would have probably. - Yeah, it's really good.
- So Eli, who are you playing? - I'm playing Dorothy Zbornak. This is a sci-fi ass last name. (laughing) Sounds like a fucking space ant, Zbornak.
- It's also worth noting, I forgot to mention,
everyone has an objective and a secret objective. You're gonna read out your
objective for everybody but-- - My objective is to return to the hive. (Brian laughing)
As Dorothy Zbornak. - [Brian] Audience, you
will be able to see-- - [Carolyn] I love where this
is going, let's roll with it. - [Brian] If you're watching
the video version of this, you'll be able to see on screen
everyone's secret objective. If you're listening audio
only, you'll just have to figure it out later.
- And if you're watching the audio version of
this, congratulations, you have synesthesia!
(laughing) - [Brian] Sorry I interrupted, Eli. - No, that's all right. So, yeah, I'm the snarky one. A lot of it, like I said
before, is like my mom who's on the show, you're playing the mom, she says some shit like,
"Having you is the worst thing "that ever happened to me." And then Dorothy's like, "I
wanna choke you to death." And then the studio audience laughs. (laughing) - [Brian] Homer Simpson,
Bart Simpson relationship. - Yeah. Her mom is very hurtful, but she looks like a
little toad so it's funny. (laughing) - [Brian] So what is your like
main objective this session? - My objective, Blanche--
- Oh, it's worth noting, I keep forgetting things. This is largely going to
take place at a funeral of one of the Golden Girls'
friends, Sandra Halibut. So--
- Rest in peace. - Keep that in mind--
- Sandy Halibut? - As these objectives directly
tie into being at a funeral. - Yeah.
- Cool. - My objective is that Blanche,
who's the one who fucks, it seems?
- Yes. - She is trying to seduce Phil
Halibut, Sandra's widower, Sandy Halibut's widower. So stop her before she
makes a fool of herself! (laughing)
That's what I'll say, I'll go, Blanche you're
making a fool of yourself! - And I'll go, oh, my southern accent!
(laughing) - Oh no! - I almost did oh honey! I just watched Sex and
the City, I'm sorry. - This is gonna dip in this
one a lot, same characters. - Basically.
- Taylor, who are you playing? - I'm playing Rose Nylund.
- That's the Betty White. - That's the Betty White character, she is, as we kind of talked
about before we got in here, like she's so dumb...
(laughing) She's had an accident--
- Yeah! - On a farm dumb.
- Yeah. For her to be the age
she is and that dumb, it's not like oh, you didn't learn a lot, it's like you have,
you're missing a chunk. - Yeah, kicked in the head dumb. - [Brian] Yeah. - It's like she needs
them to look out for her because she is dumb, she's just dumb. - [Brian] She's just
picking up stuff that's like a watermelon, she's like, what is this? What's wrong with you?
- But she has her long-term memory because a big part of her character is also just like mentioning
things from her home town. - [Eli] Oh yeah, I
didn't get to that part. - [Brian] So what is your objective? - My objective is Sandra
and Phil are dear friends, let's make this the best funeral ever! - Aw! So sweet. And so hard, seeming, to do that. - No, you can do it.
- The best funeral ever. - Best funeral ever.
- Great, love that comment. Carolyn, who are you playing? - I'm playing Blanche Devereaux, I'm the, fuck, god, don't do the Samantha voice. I'm playing Blanche Devereaux. I'm southern, I'm the flirty one. My objective is to try...
(stammering) That says the, not try,
the extremely wealthy Phil Halibut is a recent widower, which means he's single! I'm DTF and I'll seduce
him before someone else at the funeral does because
nothin' makes you wanna fuck like a funeral of your own wife. - That's it.
- I would imagine. - That's it.
- Yeah. He'll be ready for it. Ready to go, raring.
- Yep, yep. Ready to fill that gap.
- Yeah? - That halibut. - Are you trying to get him to fill you? - A sandy hole.
- Exactly. - Yes, yes, a sandy hole. - A Sandy, oh--
- We're off to a great start. - Because the wife's
name is Sandy, very good. - All right, gang.
- Yikes. - Let's jump into this. So everyone's kind of objectives probably were brought out onto the
table in the first act, of our sitcom episode. I feel like we also need to
talk about the theme song real fast, it's insane right?
- It's so good. - It's insane!
- Incredibly good. - I didn't see it, I watched a clip. - It goes into like, hey,
thank you for being a friend then it feels like it kind of
loses the plot a little bit, like hey, if you had a
party I'd come hang out. - It's a little competitive. The lyrics are, "Thank
you for being a friend, "travel down the road and back again. "Your heart is true, you're
a pal and a confidant." And then it goes, ♪ And if you threw a party, ♪ (laughing)
♪ Invited everyone you knew, ♪ ♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me ♪ ♪ And the card attached would say ♪ ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ Which then circles back
to the title of the song. - I can just see someone in
the booth being like, cut. (laughing)
What are you talking about? - What do you mean, I have the most money, my gift would be the biggest
and I love her the most. - It's like that Tim Robbins,
folds all their money! It's like, no, cut it, why? (laughing) - It gets competitive.
- It's real wild. And I gotta say, I loved
your rendition of it. - Thank you. - Oh yeah, beautiful singing voice. - Guys, stop, okay? - So we can kind of assume
the first act has gone down, all the cards have been
placed on the table, so we're kinda hitting
midway through the episode of this A plot and we start with an establishing shot
of this Miami mansion. So it's like by the water,
it's a large estate. The funeral, this funeral
slash wake is in fact at their own house, which, yes, is strange but that's an eccentric
rich people thing to do. - Sure. - Also, this whole thing
falls apart if we don't. - It's a wake, they do that.
- Yeah, that's a thing. So.
- With the body there, right? - Yeah.
- Propped up in a chair. - This is all normal so far, yeah. - Yeah, there we go, all right. We see everybody enter the funeral in kind of their main parlor area. That's where everyone is gathered. There's a couple of hors
d'oeuvres being brought around, a couple of drinks,
everyone's very solemn, dressed in black. At the front of the room
is, in fact, an open casket where the widower, Phil Halibut, husband of Sandra Halibut, a good friend of the Golden Girls,
invented just for this, don't look for her in the show, is standing solemnly,
shaking hands as people come and give their condolences. So you guys are at the entrance, somebody takes your coats, a butler type. So what do you guys do? Let's start with Dorothy.
- Fuck! (laughing) - It could just be as simple as the standard funeral stuff. But where would we find Dorothy? - Ooh, you know, I'm fuckin' all up in that funeral. I'm paying my respects.
(laughing) - Great, great, great. So we can assume you kind
of like get into the line? - I'm making my way towards
the casket, shaking hands, and being like I'm so sorry. Dorothy has like this low--
- Right. - Calming voice.
- Right, right. - That actor should do like audio books. - She's dead.
- She's dead, for sure. - Well she should--
- Incredibly dead. - Have done audio books. - I'm the only one living, I think. - I think so too. - Oh, yeah, wow. That's also true of this cast. - Yeah.
- Yeah, wow. - Ghosts, all of you.
- Yeah. I would never hope something happens by the time this comes out
but, man that'd be wild! - Wild!
- Dude! - That'd be wild, right? - Goes right into RIP.
- Crazy! - Let's roll it back on hoping someone real dies.
(laughing) For a podcast.
- That'd be terrible, but man, it'd be wild! - I hope she lives.
(Brian laughing) She seems very kind. - All right.
- Dorothy Zbornak. Is moving through the funeral.
- Yes, do it. - I'm not gonna.
- Do it. - So, you know, you get through the receiving line of mourners. Blanche, we cut to you. Where would we find you in the
early stages of this funeral? - Well, I'm looking
around, I would like to give my condolences to Phil, if I can. - Okay.
- Do I just sound like Kevin Spacey from House of Cards? - I don't know, you just said contolences. (laughing)
- Contolences. My contolences. I would like to, well, I should do my dues first and go over to the casket. I'm gonna make a beeline for the casket. - Great. - I'd like to check out the body and see-- - [Brian] I'm having a lot of trouble-- - It's really going down, it's going off. You look like Harry Caray. You look like Will Ferrell
playing Harry Caray. - I would do, this is the
point where I would do an impression of that,
but I don't have it. - [Carolyn] Okay. - [Brian] Great. - I want to check out her corpse and see what she's wearing
and what she looks like. - Okay.
(laughing) So--
- And I'm the alien? - So you essentially just
like cut past the line of mourners or--
- I'm sort of... - My wig is going again.
- Giving my tight lipped, that looks insane, Brian.
(laughing) - It doesn't feel great.
- You look crazy. - Great, wonderful. I'm gonna let that sit there.
- This looks nice. - Yes, so I'm giving
sort of tight-lipped, sad smiles to everyone and then I would like
to check out the corpse. - Okay, okay. So as you are passing by, she's in kind of like a very modest, flowery sort of dress. - [Carolyn] Okay. - Very like makeup is done up very nicely. And around her neck is this gold necklace. - [Carolyn] Ooh. - And as you--
- The amulet! (laughing) - As you are like having a moment, paying your respects, Phil Halibut, an older gentleman, tall, in decent shape, balding a little bit, steps over and is just like
Blanche, you came, thank you! - Phil, I'm so sorry. A handsome man like you
should never be alone for long and I will make it my duty tonight to make sure you don't feel
an ounce of loneliness. - Well, I appreciate that. He nods. Do you wanna go ahead
and make a roll for me? Because I believe that is
sort of setting the stage here for some seducing, correct?
- I'm tryin' to fuck. - [Brian] So yeah, let's
see how that goes for you. You have an ability
there that helps, right? - My ability is two boons
when I'm seducing someone. - Great.
- So I'll take two boons. To the moons.
- You're gonna roll your D20. - Okay.
- You're gonna roll your D20, you want to roll a 10. Or higher. - Wow.
- 19! - That is a 19 so, yeah, you
don't even need the boons. So he is clearly very receptive and he's sort of like nods appreciatingly. - Noice.
- His attention is quickly brought away to like somebody
else he needs to greet but there's kind of like
a nod and he sort of like looks back at you. Rose.
- Shameful. - Where would we find you? - You know what I think would be great? (laughing) If everyone followed me outside and we sang a song for Sandy. - Do you announce this?
- Yes. - I was gonna go with
Rose is stuck in the car. (laughing) - I got out. - Just pushing on the door.
- But the window is broken. (laughing) Okay. - Great. So you're trying to get
everyone's attention. - Mm-hmm.
- To announce that you would like everyone to go outside. - Outside!
- Right. Okay, so I am going to
have you make a roll that's pretty difficult.
- Oh, okay. - So I think you're
gonna take a bane for it. - Okay.
- Which means-- - This guy and two of
these or three of these? - So let's see. I'm going to have you
roll it with one extra D6. - Got it. - And you are going to add
that to your roll 'cause, basically your ability is
you create some sort of like distractionary thing, you would get two but the one, it's one and add the D6. - Okay, so I roll now?
- Yes. - Okay, got a--
- Great so we are well above-- - [Carolyn] You got a 14 and a two. - Right, so that is a 16 total. - Guess we're going
outside to sing a song. (laughing) - It's enough, people are like, what? There's sort of confusion,
someone just grabbed a drink and was like why should we?
- Outside. - And then it's, Phil Halibut is like, I think that's a wonderful idea. Sandra would love that. Everyone out to the balcony,
please, please, please. - I would like to stay behind. Go back to that corpse.
- So... - You're trying to fuck the widower. - I'm not trying to fuck the corpse, Eli. - I don't believe you. - So Phil, Phil has his eyes on you. - Ooh!
- And it's gonna be difficult to kind of like, he's
like come on, come on. - All right, well then I'll take his arm and I'll accompany him outside. - [Brian] Okay, okay. - But I'll be back for you later, corpse. - I'm concerned about Rose
going out on a balcony in general, so I'm kind of watching her. And then I go out and I'm like, Rose, what happened to the car window? (laughing) - And I'm like, I broke it.
- I don't like that. - I kicked it out 'cause in St. Olaf that's how we get out of
the car regular style. - Rose, your leg is bleeding. (laughing) - Which one? These?
- Oh! It's a miracle you were able to make your way out of the womb. That's like her voice,
it's very unsettling. - So we find ourselves
on the balcony of this Miami mansion. We've got a beautiful view
of the sunset over the water. And Phil Halibut gestures to you, Rose, are you gonna lead us in a song? I think it'd mean so much to her. And everyone's out on the
balcony, just like what the fuck? - Okay and then I'm like repeat after me. And then everyone's like, okay. And I'm like we all know this one. And I'm like... ♪ I miss you Sandy ♪ ♪ I will never forget you ♪ - And everyone's kind of
like one word behind you. ♪ And if you threw a funeral ♪ ♪ And invited everyone you knew ♪ - Everyone's sort of like
looking at one another like huh? An original hymn by Rose Nylund. - And everyone knows it and sings it and we have a great time but
I have to go to the bathroom. - Dorothy, you're kind of
noticing that there is a wave of like, what the fuck? Rose is making a damn fool out of herself. - Oh yeah.
- How do you feel about that? - I just join in and I'm
like, we all know this song, of course. ♪ Sandy, I miss you Sandy ♪ ♪ You're gone forever ♪ - Blanche, Phil Halibut,
whose arm you are hooked to, he looks at you like, is this a song? - I don't know, maybe
it's from her hometown, she talks about that place a whole lot. But it's from the heart,
we all just loved Sandy and we just want to make
sure now that you're okay. You know? - It's been difficult.
- Sure, sure. - But it means so much
to see everybody here. - We're still singing.
- Yes. ♪ She is cold now ♪ ♪ Bury her on the beach ♪ ♪ Like a sea turtle egg ♪ (laughing) - So Dorothy, you are
currently busy saving Rose. - Yeah. - With this song. Everyone's just like kind of got this sitcom like, yeah, all right. But now you can see Blanche
is making her moves. - Oh, nice.
- Oh, God. - It's like you're spinning plates. What do you do? - I'm like Rose, you've got the chorus and walk away towards Blanche who's like trying to
fuck this mourning man. I'll just like, I
haven't greeted Phil yet, so I'll just try to cut it off by just talking to him like, I'm like, Phil, I was
so sorry to hear that, and I look directly at
you, your wife is dead. Fresh dead. Warm to the touch. - I kind of look at Dorothy like. - [Eli] Like you have
no ground to stand on. - What are you doing? - I'm trying to stop you
from fucking this widower. - So Phil like reaches out
for your hand, Dorothy, and is like Dorothy, thank
you, thank you so much, that means so much. - Sandy was a good woman, and loyal. (laughing) - And she always wanted nothing more than for you to be happy, Phil. And for Phil to have companionship
and a life full of love. - Yeah, but perhaps today's not
a day to be happy with Phil. - And then I wanna say
something, maybe we can crowd this here, like say something
cutting and sort of not cool to Dorothy, be like, don't you have a run, I think you have a run in
your stocking and your brain! Or something, they're
always saying mean stuff, the clips that I watched
they were calling each other like a slut and stuff and I'm like, whoa! - So while you're like
cutting into one another, you don't notice that Phil has already left your conversation and
has made his way to Rose. Rose, he reaches out
once again, he's like, Rose, you have an absolutely lovely voice. - Thank you.
- Thank you so much. - [Taylor] Of course. (laughing) - Everybody, I think this was beautiful, I hope you will all join me again inside. Rose, would you join me? - Yeah. (laughing) Yeah. - Do you still have to go to the bathroom? - Yeah... How do I, I'm embarrassed. But I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I need everyone to
stay outside until I'm done 'cause it's a big mess.
(laughing) - God, could you make a roll for me? - What are those? - Make a roll with one boon for me. - One of these? Okay.
- Yep, yep. That's a 16.
- Love it. - And you see Phil Halibut just like, yes, of course, we can remain out here for another moment, do you need me
to bring you to the bathroom? - No!
- I'll do it. - No! - We went to Checkers on the way here. - I can do it--
- And Rose promised this wouldn't happen again. - I had the Checkers' special. - [Eli] She ate a napkin. - [Taylor] It's a napkin! - Phil's like, yeah, of course. - Rose loves Checkers, you see? - Just the special. Napkin. (laughing) - Okay, so somehow, everyone
has still managed to stay on the balcony because
this grieving widower just asked everyone to. So you have a few moments
inside and I believe... - Can I go with her? I see her going inside,
I say I better check on her, what she's doing in there. - Fine.
- Go with her. - Okay, so Rose, you
pull the sliding door, reenter the house.
- Mm-hmm. - There's some kitchen staff like plating hors d'oeuvres
to bring outside now. And then right behind you, Blanche enters. Blanche, what do you do? - I'm gonna be, I think
you know the answer, I'm beelining it for the corpse! (laughing) - Well I'm going too, I also am going too. - Okay, we'll go together.
- I'm going with you. - Rose, that's not the bathroom. - Guess what, I didn't need to go! I lied!
(laughing) - So I feel like I'm trying
to get in front of her and we do like a little
slapstick-y kind of pushing, trying to push in front of each other. - Sure, sure. Have you also gone inside, Dorothy? - I'm still talking to Phil.
- Okay. - Horrible way to go, what happened. - Truly, truly.
- Buffalo Bill over here. (laughing) - I can't believe it, she was
shaking the vending machine and then it just fell. - You know, you can prepare
but you're truly never ready. - She just wanted those--
- To find out your wife got crushed by a vending machine. - She just wanted those
honey wheat pretzels from the bottom row.
- Ooh. - Ew.
- And you know? Some said I was crazy to
have an open-casket funeral. She was crushed by a vending machine. But what's done is done. - She's got all those Doritos in her eyes. (laughing) - So that's happening outside. (laughing) - How can you tell it's Doritos? - What are you gonna do with her skin? Just kidding.
(laughing) That's not what I say, I
say, the Doritos is real. - Yes! So we find ourselves back inside. Blanche and Rose, I believe are both
trying to reach the casket? - Yes.
- First? - Yes.
- Okay, what we're gonna do is we're gonna make this an opposed roll. It's just whichever of you
rolls higher reaches first. - All right.
- Okay. - A D20?
- A D20. - Okay, let's go. A 14!
- Rose, you need to beat a 14. (yelling) Taylor just rolled a 15 so they are, you guys are neck and
neck, I think it's like a Rose shoves Blanche, it starts with like, it's one of those it starts
with a walk and then slowly turns into a sprint.
- Power walk. - And then how does Rose,
like near the casket, get the edge on Blanche? - Slides between her legs.
(laughing) - So Rose, you do reach the
casket first, what do you do? - I... - [Eli] Blanche letting
someone in between her legs, what else is new?
(laughing) - So I'm gonna get. (laughing) - Wait, who's sliding
between your legs usually? - Everybody.
(laughing) - Ooh.
- Phil, hopefully. - Hopefully Phil.
- Well, it's me! (laughing) So I need to get up into that casket so I am, I am gonna grab the edge of it but I only get the one side
and it comes down on me. - What is your objective?
- Okay! - Oh God.
- I'll still get it done! - Okay, so-- - So she's gonna roll right out. - All right, I didn't even
have to wait for a bad roll to make that happen.
- Nope. - All right, so Rose--
- A couple chip bags fall out. (laughing)
- But with her, can I say? - Okay, so real fast,
let's set the scene here. The casket comes tumbling down. - Tumbling down.
- Whump. - Sandra rolls out of the casket. And this is quite a scene,
Rose, what do you do? - I'm just gonna real quick take, she had the necklace, you said? - Yeah, yeah.
- I'm just gonna grab that for me 'cause she would want
me to have it and this is a mess now so I'm just
gonna get it out of there. That I'm just gonna put in my
pocket, get it out of there. And actually it's not stealing, 'cause she told me that I could borrow it for something that I have coming up. So I'm just gonna get it real quick and then we'll figure
everything else out after. - Great, great. Blanche, you see Rose take the necklace and like pocket it. What do you do? - I mean... I just wanna say, I'm
gonna come out and say it. - Also, yeah, the body has
tumbled onto the floor. - First of all, holy shit,
the body's on the ground now! Second of all, that's my necklace! - Oh, I don't think so.
- It is! It's a whole, long story, but I'm gonna need that
necklace back from you, Rose. - [Brian] Okay, I wanna pause real fast. - [Eli] I hear a wet
thump and I immediately-- - Yeah, okay.
- I immediately know that they knocked the casket over. - Right, so you are able to side eye, you have a clear view
into the parlor area. And so you see that and
moments after you register it, Phil turns to you and is like, well, shall we bring everyone inside? Rose is surely done
ruining my bathroom now. - Oh my god, a bald eagle! (laughing) I point at the sky. And then I go in and close the
curtains and lock the door. (Brian stammering) - So yeah, definitely, Phil
probably goes, a bald eagle? - Yeah.
- And then goes and like, I don't, and you are gone and he goes to-- - Aw, it went behind a cloud. - And he goes to like
open the sliding door and sees that it's locked.
(stammering) Dorothy? - I like slide the curtain, I'm like, technical difficulties.
(laughing) And then I, do I see the corpse,
is this all the same room? I forget.
- So you're kind of in like, basically there's the parlor area, there's kind of like a
kitchen, dining room area that you are currently
in, so the adjacent, it's sort of like a
straight line of balcony... - I can see the body?
- Yes, yes. - I look at the body and I
notice that the necklace is gone. - Well, so the body's on the ground, Blanche and Rose are currently
arguing about the necklace in front of the body of your friend who was crushed by a vending machine. - Yeah, yeah.
- What do you do? - That's gonna happen.
(Brian laughing) Yeah, I just look over there
and, do I see the necklace? What are you guys doing
with it, you yanking on it? - She's got the necklace in her pocket. - Oh, so I can't see it.
- Okay. - So I'm just like, where's
the fucking necklace? (laughing)
Now I'm full Buffalo Bill. - [Carolyn] Yeah. - Where's the fucking necklace? I turn off all the lights, no.
(laughing) - Okay, so... - But I also need to get
the body back in the casket. - I think that's a
priority for everyone here. - So, Phil is pounding on the
door, what is happening? - Chill out.
- And like a waiter from the kitchen staff
is making his way over now to that sliding door to unlock, try to investigate like why
is he pounding on the door? Does anybody do anything about it? - Quick, girls, we can't let this, Phil's not gonna be able to, he's old, he probably can't get an erection and certainly not when he's
seen his dead wife on the ground and I can't have that, so
let's get her back in that box! Help me lift, ladies!
(laughing) (groaning) - Okay, so you guys are
just trying to quickly-- - [Eli] Dump the body back in the casket. (groaning)
- Okay, how this is gonna work is this is a team effort.
- Yep. - Everyone is going to take one bane, so you're gonna roll your D20
plus a D6 and subtract it. If two of you succeed, you manage to pull it off. - Okay.
- What's success, 10? - 10. - You go first. - I haven't gotten to roll yet. Nine.
- Shit. - I got the heavy part,
she's got heavy shoes on. - [Brian] We have, okay that's a 17, so we have a super success. - No!
- Uh-oh! Uh-oh.
- Very bad. - I got a five minus two, that's a three! - Oh no.
- That's not a 10. - So the waiter is going
to unlock the door, like he steps out of the
kitchen like preparation area, goes and turns and then sees
the three of you with the body. He's like what is the meaning of... - She fell out. - [Taylor] I pulled her! - [Eli] Rose! - What?
- Dorothy I'm gonna have you-- - [Eli] Eat your napkin. - Dorothy, I'm gonna have
you make a roll with a bane to kind of sell that, that she-- - She fell out?
- That she fell out and you're fixing it. - Okay, I wanna give
more of an explanation. - Sure.
- I think there's, where is this show set, it's in LA, right? - Miami.
- Miami, fuck. We're on a fault line. This sort of stuff, tectonic shifts, happen all the time, Rose was
just telling me about this. She's passionate about geography. - Oh yes.
- He looks to you, like some sort of demonstration that you know anything about tectonics. - My favorite tectonics is Annie Lennox. (laughing) - [Eli] Yeah, she loves Annie Lennox. - She's the best of all the tectonics. - Yeah, so, you know, she fell right out. - Okay, I'm gonna take away your bane, I'm gonna make this a clean D20 roll. - What did I do to get a bane taken away? Mm-mmm.
- Oh, wow. - No, eight!
- Bad luck. - Does that make sense? - Nope! Nope, it doesn't! He unlocks the door and slides it open, leading to just a...
(gasping) And Phil, like standing just
in the middle of the door, is just like...
(stammering) Sandra! And he like beelines in,
like, what are you doing? Put her down! - We're gonna put her down in the casket. - We were trying to put her back. - Yes, Phil, she got knocked out somehow and we're trying to replace her, to rest, because she was our friend. ♪ She was our friend ♪ ♪ She was our friend ♪
♪ Thank her ♪ ♪ For being a friend ♪
♪ And if you threw her ♪ ♪ On the ground ♪
- Why are you singing? - [Carolyn] She loves music. - So as you like place her in the, back in the casket, like
hastily, like chips crunch and he's like...
(screaming) And he goes and tries
to like place her down, like fix everything. And he's like, how could you? And then he turns like, you need to leave! - Look. Where's the necklace?
- In my pocket. (laughing) - If we, I don't know
what I'm talking about. Look, Phil, no one is
more devastated than me that your wife got fucking,
yeah, I don't know, that your wife got fucking
pancaked by that vending machine at the car wash. And I'm here trying to mourn. And your wife, tectonic plates shifted, I had nothing to do with it. Because of a little geological activity, she takes a tumble, we try
to put her back in the casket and I feel as if we're all being attacked. - She's right, we're just
trying to help, Phil. - He's like fussing over his wife's body. - It's fine.
- Dust off her blouse. - It was barely on the ground. - And he's like where is her necklace? And he looks on the floor for it. - Look, Phil, I lent her that necklace and then she fucking died and that wasn't part of the agreement and she truly cannot take it with her so I'm gonna take it with me. (laughing) - [Brian] Are you serious,
did you take her necklace? - You are being unreasonable! (laughing) - Give it back right now! - I don't have it. - Phil completely just
shuts down into a stupor. - Phil, why don't we, why don't I take you out of this room? You don't need to see this,
let the help clean her up and then we'll go, let's go
sit somewhere nice and quiet like your bedroom and just relax and maybe tell a story or take our
clothes off or something, let's just go sit down for a while. - So he is in sort of
a full state of shock. - Perfect!
- This has broken this man. - Great!
- So I'm going to give that a chance to work.
- Amazing. - But it's gonna be a roll with two banes. - Okay, okay. But I am also trying to seduce someone. - Okay.
- So I get two boons. So do those cancel each other out? - [Brian] Those will
cancel each other out, we'll make it a flat roll.
- Fuck your game! - [Taylor] Wow! - Okay, flat roll, I
have to get a 10, right? - Yes.
- Okay. Yeah!
- Oh! - [Taylor] 19! - I'm banging this widower.
- So he's in such like, he's almost in shock,
so he's going with you, he's kind of letting you lead him along, but not in like a... - No.
- Into your... - [Carolyn] Sure, he's
like in his full stupor. - Right, right.
- Yeah. - And he's like,
(stammering), he's just being brought away stuttering like... (stammering) People are filing back
into the house, just like, what the hell is happening? This is a strange funeral. And somebody else is like,
best funeral I've ever been to! (Taylor gasping)
(laughing) - Yeah, my objective is to stop, it says Blanche is trying
to seduce Phil Halibut, stop her before she
makes a fool of herself. But there was nobody
looking so I feel like you didn't make a fool of yourself, you could just go fuck that guy. - I mean--
- Noice. - It truly is what you make of it. (laughing)
- Just like life. (laughing)
- So people are filing in, Blanche is leading Phil Halibut away into like maybe the living room area, to kind of sit down, catch his breath. But however, Dorothy, you know
that Rose has the necklace. - [Eli] Mm-hmm. - What's going on between you two? - I would like that necklace. I have to think of how to... Rose? - Yes? - What's in your pocket? - Oh, 75 cents, a bus ticket, a necklace I took from Sandra, a dollar. Ooh, a napkin for later.
(laughing) I don't know what this is, you know, this might've been a
Dorito that got in here when she fell.
(laughing) Oh, Capri Sun I also took from Sandra. That's it.
(laughing) - Now, Rose, are any of
the things in your pocket, perhaps maybe don't belong to you? - The Capri Sun.
(laughing) I knew you were gonna ask about it. Here you go, Dorothy,
it'll keep you quiet. (laughing) - I'm not thirsty. I'm speaking--
- Well then, why did you want the Capri Sun so bad? - Dorothy's energy is very
like state guardian to Rose. - Like Britney Spears and her dad. - The necklace, Rose. - [Taylor] Oh. - Do you, have you seen me maybe wear
that necklace sometimes? - Like in my dreams? - Do you dream often, Rose? - Never.
(laughing) I don't know what happens when I sleep. - People are congregating
kind of back again around the casket and like,
is she in a different position than before? - She got whipped about by the
wind, don't worry about it. Rose, would you like to dream? No, I don't know why,
I just wanna go deeper into this like... Rose, you see, the necklace is mine, it was given to me by Blanche and I really would love it back. - Well, that's difficult now because Blanche told me it's her
necklace and she wants it but Sandra told me I could
borrow it for an upcoming event and I think we should
respect Sandra's wishes because at this point,
she is on her way to being buried on the beach like a sea turtle egg. And... - Rose, when did Sandra tell you this? - The egg part? Or the necklace part? - I'm gonna ask you a question, Rose, this is gonna seem unusual.
- Okay. - Can you hear Sandra now?
(laughing) - Hold on. Yeah, I think I can. Does she sound like a bunch
of people quietly talking and eating hors d'oeuvres? - No, that's the, sorry about that, I thought you might've been a medium. It would explain a lot.
- I'm a large. (laughing) - So let's cut to... - Oh god.
- Unbelievable! - Oh my god, my fact hurts.
- This Gordian knot of conversation.
- Oh my god. Oh my god.
- Unbreakable. - So let's cut to, Blanche,
where have you brought Phil? - I've brought him to--
- To climax. (laughing)
- Noice. I've brought him to the
bedroom, his bedroom. I thought a nice, soothing,
comfortable place for him would probably be the best. And then I'm giving him
a nice shoulder massage. - Yeah, he's a little
out of it but receptive. - I'm using my nice acrylics
to give him a head scritch. That's hot. Maybe he's moving his
toupee around a little bit. - Uh...
(laughing) Great. - That's the sound of TablePop. Uh...
- Great. (groaning) Oh god.
- I have now like a pad of paper and there's
like, you can see me, there's a drawing of a
necklace and I'm pointing at it and showing it to Rose. - I'm trying to, I guess, seduction doesn't have to mean se-fuck-tion.
- Yeah. - So I'm just gonna try
and get him to agree to go out again with me.
- Okay. - To seduce him.
- Okay. - So I'm gonna, you know, giving him like a nice shoulder massage. - It's definitely, Rose
has a soul, or not Rose-- - Blanche.
- Blanche has a soul! - Yeah, sure.
- Like, you know, she'd inevitably be like,
she can kind of register, oh, maybe now's not a
good time to get down. - Yeah, sure, okay, that's fine. So, yes, I would like to
say, Phil, why don't we, why don't we have brunch this weekend? - Go ahead and make a roll with, let's see, I'm gonna make it one bane, so you can have a boon,
essentially, for it. - Okay. - Uh-oh!
- Shit. Three. - And so he looks up to you and is just like, actually, I was kind of hoping to see if Dorothy wanted to do brunch at some point. (Carolyn gasping) - Oh, well, Dorothy's very stupid.
(Brian laughing) She's very, very stupid. Just so you know.
(laughing) - Unfortunately, it seems Phil
has made up his mind on this. - All right, well, let's
get back to the party, I better actually find Dorothy myself. That stupid bitch. - Rose, is there something
I could trade you for the necklace?
- Ooh. - What sort of things--
- Find ourselves back in the parlor,
people quietly discussing. - Would you be able to trade
me another gold necklace that I could wear to my upcoming event? - I think that's fine. Do I have, what do I got? - What's in your inventory?
- Yeah what's in my inventory? - I think it's entirely
reasonable that you have a gold necklace that you
have like no affection for, just kind of went with your outfit. - Yeah, I'm probably wearing
my other gold necklace. - [Brian] Right, right! - You know what, that
sounds wonderful, Rose, why don't we swap? - Okay, can I see it first?
- It's on my neck. - I think you're gonna trick me. (laughing) - I'm not an idiot!
- Rose, I don't trick you, okay? You got in that shed by yourself. (laughing) - And I got out by myself and
no one ever talks about it. (laughing) And if you wanna know how,
I kicked out the window. (laughing) - You go through so many pairs of heels kicking out windows. - That's why, thank you for not mentioning I only have one heel on this whole time. - Well, I sort of assumed
what had happened, especially once I saw the car. - As this conversation is happening, Blanche comes down the stairs and sees this conversation happening, probably including Dorothy
with an illustration of the-- - Yeah, well, I'll show her the necklace, it's the one I got. - That drawing is of my
necklace, that's mine. - You gave it to me, you stupid bitch. - I lent it to you, you dumb twat. (laughing) - It says--
- I'll fight you right here. - My paper that tells me my stuff-- - Well my paper--
- Says that you gave it to me. - Well mine says that I lent it to you, so I think the only reasonable thing to do is to turn on Brian.
(laughing) - You know, it feels as if
there's some invisible hand above turning us against each other. - I think I know what we have to do. - [Carolyn] What's that, Rose? - I think we should
let that eagle have it. (laughing) - Rose, there's no fucking eagle. - I don't think there
are bald eagles in Miami. - There aren't.
- I saw we give it to the bald eagle because it's a sign, it's a lucky sign and I
think it's Sandra's spirit and she would wanna have
it, so let's get everybody back out to the balcony. - Rose, I will say, you
do still physically have the necklace.
- Yep! - So really... - I wanna give it to the bald eagle. - God damn it.
- There is somehow, somehow Rose is now just
orchestrating a chain of like, I dunno, interesting shit
happens whenever we follow her. You re-lead a congregation back outside. - I like watch them and go
whisper to Blanche, I'm like, they say if that horse hadn't kicked her, she could've been a Rhodes Scholar. - I know, she's lucky to have us. (laughing) - Do you know she doesn't
feel pain on her left side? - I know!
- Yeah. - I put my cigarettes
out on her every night. - I think we cut to the balcony. Rose, what is your like final act, what do we close out the episode on? - Oh I think, everyone repeat after me. And then we go,
(screeching) and we try and get the eagle
out from behind the cloud. (laughing) That's an eagle sound.
- Yeah. - So, yeah, there's no eagle coming so is Rose just like standing
there with the necklace or does she like throw it?
- I'm gonna wave it. I'm gonna wave it and then
I'm gonna do one of these. (laughing) - Like a lasso?
- Yeah, but then I'm gonna whip it and then my hope is
he catches it in mid air, I'm gonna whip it out over the ocean. - Roll, roll a straight D20 for me. - Just this?
- Yeah. - Whip it.
- 13. - I would like to dive after the necklace. (laughing) Is there water below?
- Yes. - It's the ocean.
- Yeah. - But a little bit of shore. (laughing)
- Oh, like most oceans. - Dorothy goes to jump over the railing and then, but, sure enough,
as Rose whips the necklace, a bald eagle comes and snatches it. - Fuck!
- What? - That is so unlikely. - And that's, we cut to
a series of screenshots from the episode as credits play and an instrumental rendition of
Thank You For Being a Friend. - And then the bumper,
you zoom in the eagle carrying the necklace
and then you see a chip blinking on the necklace and
then we smash cut to space. - Yeah!
- Where my spaceship is and there's a spaceship with
a bunch of Dorothies on it and they're like, we've lost the signal. And then they all are like...
(groaning) And then I'm crying. - Guys, this was our Golden Girls-- - The end!
- Episode of TablePop. - The end.
- The end. - That was a wild one,
Taylor, thank you so much for coming on.
- Thank you. - That was, you were incredible! - I just don't wanna play this game. (laughing) - Guys, this was an absolute blast, thank you so much for joining us. If you have any ideas
for anything you'd like to see us try to turn into a
tabletop role-playing game, it can't go any far off than that. That's not true, it has so many times. You can let us know on
Twitter or on the Discord or, really, just anywhere,
find me in person. That's it, thank you for being a friend. - Thank you.
- For being a friend. - My contolences.
(laughing) - Bye.
