- Mother lives at the Shady
Pines retirement home. - Oh, the Shady Pines. I know the Shady Pines,
it's a lovely place. - It's a prison. (audience laughing) They lock us in our rooms
and force us to look like we're having fun. (audience laughing) Then they take pictures
for their brochure. (Golden Girls theme music) - This is Sophia. - Well, you must be Blanche's sister. - You must be blind. (audience laughing) - Sophia's home just burned down. - Well, that's terrible. - Not to me. It was a retirement home. And you know what they did? They set off the fire
alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers. The other half can't
get out of their chairs, but they got bells going off like crazy. You know what that does
to hearts that only beat a few times a week? (audience laughing) It's not pretty. (audience laughing) Boy, something smells good in here. What's for lunch? It's cat food, Sophia. - Is that seafood medley? (audience laughing) - Yes, it is. - They used to feed that to
us every Sunday at the home. - Ma, they did not make you
eat cat food at Shady Pines. - I didn't say they made us eat it. You have the option to go hungry. (audience laughing) Boy, we had some great times
at the home, didn't we Ida? - We sure did. (giggling) - Dorothy, Ida was the best bar none at faking an angina attack at dinner so we could swap on non-fat
yogurt for real sour cream. (audience laughing) There wasn't a patient that
Shady Pines that didn't bless Ida Perkins every time we sat
down to eat a baked potato. (audience laughing) - My daughter's checking me
into a lovely retirement home called Shady Pines. (audience laughing) - That's great. Come on out to the lanai. I'll give you the low down on Shady Pines. You know, who does what for cigarettes. (audience laughing) - All right, all you gals
are gonna get locked up in a closet, and us boys
are going for a little walk. - Wow, were you ever activities director of a place called Shady Pines? (audience laughing) - You've known Sophia before? - Yes, she was one of the
residents a few years ago at a place I work called Shady Pines. (audience groaning) But to tell you the truth, I don't think that she'll remember me. - Oh Ma, I'm sure you-- (screaming) (audience laughing) Ma, what are you doing? - I'm rolling for my life. (audience laughing) You hired the angel of
death from Shady Pines. - Ma, don't be ridiculous. She is not the angel of death. She is a private nurse
with excellent references. And for the last time, Shady Pines is a very reputable rest home. - I'm telling you Dorothy,
they used to pre-sell our bodies to medical schools. (audience laughing) That was the big joke. How would you like to go to college? (audience laughing) - Now, where's my patient? - Don't you mean victim? - Ma. (audience laughing) Why don't you join us for lunch? - Join you for lunch? Let me check my social calendar. (audience laughing) (doorbell ringing) Oh, okay, I'm free. - Ma, that calendar's from 1984. - Oh yeah. This is the thing I
escaped from Shady Pines. It says right here, I'm free, I'm free. (audience laughing) - Mrs. Petrillo, where
were you on the night of September 4th, 1985? - Did you see Awakenings? Throw a ball at me. (audience laughing) How the hell should I know? I don't even remember what
color underwear I'm wearing. (audience laughing) - Ma, the beginning of September. That's when Shady Pines burned down and you came here to live with us. - Oh yeah. I'm not wearing underpants. (audience laughing) - Mrs. Petrillo. Were you acquainted with
the late Maria Hartgrove? - She died? Good riddance. God rest her soul. (audience laughing) - We have a deathbed confession
from her stating that the two of you started
the Shady Pines fire. - That's ridiculous. What did you do? (audience laughing) - She claimed that on
the night of the fire, the two of you were in
your room cooking s'mores. - Nonsense, I don't even
know what s'mores are. - You remember, Sophia. They're those little
toasted Graham cracker and chocolate sandwiches - With marshmallow. Don't forget the marshmallow. (audience laughing) Whoops. (audience laughing) - In her deposition, Mrs. Hartgrove said that you were in possession
of an illegal hot plate. And while the two of you were cooking, the curtains caught on fire. Then you panicked and fled and
the fire continued unchecked. - Now wait just a minute. This is crazy. Do you have any proof? Did anybody find that alleged hot plate? - Presumably it was lost in the fire. - Maria was just out to get me. She was always jealous because
I still had my own hair. - Ma, I haven't seen you all morning. Where have you been? - I went to see my friend, Lillian. - Lillian at Shady Pines? - Oh, you remember Shady Pines. That retirement home you stuck me in that resembles Sing Sing. (audience laughing) My mistake, Sing Sing has a movie night. - Let's go to bed. (yawning) - Okay. (chuckling) (screaming) (audience laughing) (audience applauding) - Ma, that is not funny. - Are you kidding? It's a riot. (audience laughing) - I pulled once at old man Peterson, after we saw Psycho at the home. They had said he would never walk again. (audience laughing) He walked. (audience laughing) Well goodnight. Sweet dreams. (cackling) - Where's Blanche? - She said to save her a seat. She saw a man smiling
at her out in the hall. (audience laughing) - Everybody's smiling here. I haven't seen so many
goofy smiles since the great denture swap at Shady Pines. (audience laughing) - Ma, why can't we wear
something simple in basic black? - It's a bad idea, Dorothy. You wear black at Shady Pines, they'll stop the show for a head count. (audience laughing) - Oh Blanche, you remember a few days ago when I said your car was making a funny kind of a noise sometimes? - Uh huh. - Well, it's making it all the time now. - Uh oh, that's a bad sign. Those are the sounds Tony
Triano made the night they wheeled him out of
the home on a gurney. (audience laughing) - All right, now Rose, go on. I don't want dead people in my house. (audience laughing) - People, we are talking about one man who was probably sleeping. - You don't think I can recognize death? I lived in a retirement home. Death visited more often than children. (audience laughing) - You can't give a good
birthday party without a cake. - Yeah, I seem to recall
a party with three cakes that was not so terrific. - Three cakes? - Yeah, Rose had planned a
surprise birthday party for me. You were still living at Shady Pines. - You mean the home. Say it Dorothy, the home. (audience laughing) - Oh, by the way Ma. When I was at the library they
said that your library card had expired five years ago. - Really? Where could I have been? (audience laughing) Oh yeah, locked in an old age home. (audience laughing) - I had a terrible nightmare. - Was it the recurring dream
where you're a lonely old woman and your family doesn't want you, so they put you in a home
and never come to see you or take you out on holidays? - That wasn't my dream. - Oh yeah, right. That was my life. (audience laughing) - Ma, please, for the hundredth time, Shady Pines was a beautiful
retirement village. - Sure, sure. And Attica's known for its
top-notch tennis facilities. (audience laughing) I had a nightmare. - Tell me about it Sophia. Sometimes I can interpret dreams. - Blanche sold the house and I
wound up back at Shady Pines. - That's a tough one. (audience laughing) - Dorothy, please don't send me back. - Ma I'm not sending
you back to Shady Pines. - Oh my God. She found a cheaper home. - My we're going away for the weekend. Just the two of us. So pack your bags. We're off to a cabin in the Keys. - Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines retirement village? (audience laughing) She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that
looks like the Bates Motel. (audience laughing) And two goons in white
coats dragged me inside. And for the next year and a half, I'm forced to make
lanyards against my will. - Ma, you know that's not how it was. - You're right. Sometimes they forced
me to make moccasins. (audience laughing) No, thanks. - Ma, look at this place. It's lovely. - Don't get any ideas, pussycat. (audience laughing) - I'm not getting any ideas, Ma. - You're scheming. Remember Shady Pines, Dorothy? Honest Ma, this is the way
to the new Dairy Queen. (audience laughing) - Honey, a trip to the hospital
is the best thing for you. - You think I'm stupid? This scam has Shady Pines
written all over it. (audience laughing) - Ma, that's ridiculous. Why would I take you to Shady
Pines when you have a hernia? - You took me there after I had a stroke. (audience laughing) - Listen Ma, I made an appointment for you for two o'clock this afternoon. Either you go and get your hearing checked or I will make life miserable for you. - Oh, come on. You said the exact same things to me before you took me to Shady.. I'll go pretty up. (audience laughing) - Hello. (audience laughing) I'm a Baptist. (audience laughing) Excuse me. (audience applauding) - Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind. - Think again. (audience laughing) - I'd go outside, but
there don't seem to be any Shady Pines to sit under. (audience laughing) - Pillow pussycat? (audience laughing) So as is tradition, I am ready to accept your
various gifts and offerings. You may begin Dorothy. (audience laughing) - I appreciate your sense of ritual Ma, but just so you know, I still have Shady
Pines on the speed dial. (audience laughing) - Moving on. - Listen, you vindictive
little sea monkey. (audience laughing) You are going to tell Rose the truth. - Or? - Remember Shady Pines? (audience laughing) - Yeah, it wasn't so bad. - I hear they sold it to some Germans. - Rose? (audience laughing) Rose, sweetheart, Rose. (audience laughing) - Now listen up you withered
old Sicilian monkey. (audience laughing) - I don't have to take this. Keep it up and I'll
take you to Shady Pines. - That's where I take you. - Ouch. Guess I backed into that one. (audience laughing) - What are you so happy about? - If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing
that makes her this happy. - You're going back to Shady Pines? (audience laughing) - No, you moron. She has a date. - Oh gosh, I haven't
frolicked since, well since, since the day I dropped my
mother off at Shady Pines. (audience laughing) Coincidentally, that was the
last time I did a cartwheel. (audience laughing) Was a good day. (audience laughing) - In your own words Mrs. Petrillo, the words of a beautiful dignified person who's got a wild bod for a chick here age. (audience laughing) What kind of person is your daughter? - She put me in a home. (audience laughing) - Isn't it a fact that
you have a drawer full of retirement home brochures and you're just waiting for
the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin to
lock her away forever? (audience laughing) (laughing) - She's kidding. (audience laughing) - Your sock drawer Dorothy. You know. (audience laughing) The one you know who can't reach? (audience laughing) - I knew you were keeping
pictures there, but I had no idea. You disgust me. (audience laughing) - Look, I don't have to stand for this. - Nail her Rose, nail her. Remember a good reporter
always gets her story no matter what. (audience laughing) - That sock drawer is my business. Look, those times that Ma makes me crazy, I go into my room and have
some pretend time, okay? (audience laughing) - This is Rose Nylund signing
off in a sad, sad situation. (audience laughing) - Oh Ma, I don't know if
he'll ever forgive me. - Dorothy, the day you
left me at Shady Pines, do you remember what I told you? - Of course you told me
you would never forgive me. - But look at us now. Everything's fine. - But are you saying
that no matter how bad things are between Michael
and me, they'll change? - No, I'm saying that when Michael is 83 and his retirement home
burns down, you're, oh, that's right. You'll be dead. (audience laughing) See ya pussycat.
