- I lost 80% of my religion this year. And I think it's because I
started to believe in God. I believe that God exists in
children, nature, animals. Pretty much anywhere but
temples, churches and mosques. That's where I believe God exists. (cheering and applauding) Because that, like... 'cause I don't think he
goes to those places. I will explain why. Do you ever take a selfie, guys? You ever take a selfie? And you know how to make yourself
look good in that selfie, right? But if you have your friend the phone, they will fuck up the selfie. Absolutely. Why? Because they do not understand
your correct angles. I think for God, man is that friend. (man laughing loudly) We have always fucked up the image of God because we don't understand
his correct angles. Symbolically and visually. I think the first time Jesus
Christ walked into a church, he was like, "What the fuck is that?" (audience laughing) "Who drew that shit? You,
Leonardo? Come here." "What is that shit, bro?" "Who's that sad skinny guy?" "What is this shit? What is that?" (applauding) "I carried that cross for
three days without carbs." "You couldn't draw a
tricep, you son of a bitch?" (audience laughing) Hindus, I think the first time our God
Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, "What the fuck is that?" "I'm half man, half elephant." "That's brown and gray.
What is all this color?" "What, are you people on acid?" "What is this? Hinduism by
Disney? What's going on?" Muslims, I think the first time
Muhammad walked into a mosque, he was like... I don't know what Muhammad
looks like, do you? Nobody does. Every time we try to draw
the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember? I'm not doing that joke. Je suis intimidated, all right? I can feel your assholes just
tightening up on that joke. Look, guys. I believe the future of world peace is not going to come from
politics or economics. It will come from religions. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Can we agree on that, yeah? (cheering and applauding) Two religions, in specific,
Christianity and Islam. You've got to work your shit out, guys. I feel like, as Hindus,
we can say that shit. 'Cause Hindus re like
your common best friend who's caught in the middle
of your awkward break-up. (audience laughing) And I think the only country in the world that can make that peace happen is you. America. You can do it. You can. You, America, just have
to do with religion... what you have always
historically done so well... with foreign food. (audience laughing) Just, combine it and make your own
stupid American version of it. So, come on. Wouldn't you like to see a
religion of peace in the world? Would you like to see
that, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah? A new religion of peace where Muslims and
Christians can come together and pray in harmony. Ladies and gentlemen, "Chrislam..." (audience laughing) Breathe, breathe, breathe. Chrislam is a great religion, guys. You know how, Christians, you get Sunday? And, Muslims, you get Friday? So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday. You wake up on Saturday,
you go to the "chosque." (audience laughing) And there's great festivals
in Chrislam, guys. There's Eid-ster. Ahh! You just hide chocolate
goats in the garden. So much fun. So much fun. There's Shukriya-giving... (audience laughing) ...where you stuff a turkey into a burqa. And my favorite festival,
guys - Halal-oween. Um... Halal-oween is so much fun. You know, where Christians and Muslims get together and dress up as the people who scare them. So, you know, Hindus. And then you have common
praying in the chosque. It's a beautiful thing, common praying. Our Father who art in Heaven... Our Father who... Allahu Akbar. Hallowed by thy name... Yalla be thy name. Give us this day our pitta bread. As we forgive those who hummus against us. Hallelu... Yalla-a-a-Ah! (cheering and applauding)
