If you're gonna watch our movies, young and old, the first
movie you must begin with is a movie by the name
of Amar Akbar Anthony. Non-Indians, let me take
you through the plot of this badass Bollywood movie. (audience laughs) The year was 1977. Three baby brothers
were separated at birth because in the 70s, that's
just shit that happened every day. (audience laughs) You could not find one
responsible maternity hospital in all of India. We just treated babies like IKEA products; we unpacked them and threw
away the paperwork immediately. (audience laughs) Now, these three brothers. One grew up to be a Muslim,
one grew up to be a Christian, one grew up to be a Hindu. Muslim fell in love with a Muslim, Christian fell in love with a Christian, Hindu fell in love with a Hindu. Because even in fiction, we
shall not dilute the race. (audience laughs and applauds) It has the greatest cinematic
miracle I have ever seen. So check it out: the mom is blind. (audience laughs) Now at some point, this lady
goes to a Saibaba temple. Saibaba is like a chain-smoking guru. She prays to his statue. We're gonna pretend
like I didn't say that. Fuckin' stay with me. She prays to his statue. Saibaba's statue's eyes light up with fire which floats into the mom's eyes and that chick can see again! (audience laughs and applauds) Why are we wasting our time with Hinduism, Christianity, and Islam? Saibaba is doing Lasik
surgery on a daily basis. (audience applauds) What a movie, man. Three brothers who look
nothing like each other at all. Nobody ever spoke about this. Not one brother was like, "Hey, mom. (audience laughs) "How popular were you in college, mom? (audience laughs) "I mean, I know you're blind "but could you not recognize Dad's... (audience laughs) "Like, could you give him
a password or something?" He comes into the room like, "Marco!" You're like "Colo!" I don't know, a system! A system! (audience claps) My career is over; it's fine. (audience laughs) The next movie you must watch
is a movie by the name of Dil Chahta Hai. (audience cheers) This is our first realistic
coming-of-age story. Three boys. One gets a job in Australia. One falls in love with an older woman. One exists. (audience laughs) The reason I like this movie is it redefined the wedding
interruption scene forever. See, in Bollywood, we interrupt weddings because who cares about what
the girl actually wants? (audience laughs) White people have a clause for this in their weddings, right? At some point, the priest goes, "If any man here should
object to this union, "let him speak now or..." Audience] Forever hold your peace. Forever hold his peace. Now in India, we can't work with a clause because that requires punctuality. (audience laughs) So we interrupt a wedding
whenever the fuck we feel like it with the greatest line
in cinematic history: Yeh shaadi [Audience] Nahi ho sakti. Nahi ho sakti. Translation: this wedding cannot happen. (audience laughs) Look at the arrogance! Not this wedding should not happen. Not this wedding might not happen. This wedding cannot happen. (audience laughs) And nobody ever counters
that shit with logic, right? Nobody's every like, "Bro, look around. There is a tent and a bride and a groom and a pundit and a fire
and vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce and a pasta station. It's happening, bro." (audience laughs and applauds) "These things do not
randomly come together on a Tuesday for no reason." (audience laughs) That's the reason I love this movie; it simplified it so much. The boy, Aamir, shows up at
the girl Preity's wedding. Aamir is like, "Hi." And Preity's like, "Hi." (audience laughs) And then her fiance,
Ayub, shows up, right? And Aamir is like, "Mm-mm." And he stops. (audience laughs) And then they leave. And the movie's over. Who the fuck are you-- Iron Man? What happened? (audience laughs) It was so efficient! Just vote for Congress, bang the girl. That's it. (audience laughs) (upbeat music)
