10 Minutes of Jimmy Carr Roasting Religions! | Jimmy Carr

this next video is uh it's a lot it's a lot it's it contains quite strong stuff um comedy is is very much like one sexual preferences um some people like very gentle some people like the rough stuff and as long as it's consenting I'm fine uh this this comedy wise is this is the rough stuff this is the the the BDSM so if that's not for you if you don't even get those references don't watch this video well what I'd like to Now ladies and gentlemen is tell you what this show is actually about I've had an extraordinary 12 months I've had a life-changing experience I was a very cynical man and uh I I didn't really have any religion in my life and I've I've let spirituality in in the last 12 months and it's been extraordinary so this evening what I'd really like to do is to test I'm joking there's no God grow up unless of course you're Muslim in which case there definitely is a God I'm not a [ __ ] idiot seriously I don't mind upsetting the Church of England what are they going to do hold a fate I'm sure there are Christians out there in the audience now thinking if I get hold of that Jimmy car I'm going to bloody well forgive him creationist the right-wing Christians creationists believe every word Genesis says I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer I saw a documentary recently on Channel 4 it was all about faith and in it someone went well of course Scientology is a madeup religion I thought as opposed [Music] to so one of my favorite things is to get Christians talking about scientology because the Christian will go scientologists they're Nutters they believe in aliens and then you can say to the Christian what do you believe in again it's a benevolent zombie that's coming back to save you isn't it good luck with that that will probably happen has anyone been to Belfast belf Amazing Town very friendly place the amazing thing about Belfast they can tell what religion you are just from your name I went there with my friend Rabbi Lionel they just knew any he gay priests in no I'm for those of you that don't know the collective noun for gay priests priests it's an easy one to remember isn't it look CU gay priests were in the news because if you're a gay priest you can now marry another gay priest and they weren't allowed to for ages because it was going to be confusing during the ceremony because would they say do you take this man or does he take you who's the mummy seems a bit awward I'd like to meet a gay priest though CU normally priests do that sort of Nomine partree filio fish thing thing whatever that is I imagine a gay priest to be a little bit more a little bit more rasat Taz Jesus Christ you look [Applause] amazing yeah I'm going to kneel down before you why he hung out with 12 Sailors fisherman whatever I'm going away we're having a dinner no girls the church wanted to move forward on female Bishops but Bishops can only move diagonally gay priests can move wherever they want because they are Queens Al together or not at all on the Applause otherwise we've got to throw you a [ __ ] fish thanks very much I I don't believe in God I'm I'm I'm actually an atheist well not even an atheist but I I I don't beling I'm not even an atheist I'm I'm what you might call an anti-theist I I think religion is a bad idea I think it's a tool used by the powers that be to control the weak-minded in our society but you can't pull that on a form so I just write Church of England I'm actually a lapsed Catholic any Catholics in oh quite a few over there yeah I'm a laps Catholic I knew my days were over in the Catholic church when I found myself at Communion thinking I like the wine I'm loving the wafer any chance of a bit of cheese don't get me wrong though I still respect the Pope I like to think of the Pope as king of the pedos he's the best one he's the ring leader he's Gary glitter's boss as head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict is the boss of every Catholic priest in the world he's effectively King of the pedos I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself so they defrocked him [Music] they don't help themselves do they well they do that is part of the problem this Scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees you got finish that one in your own head somewhat ironically I personally I don't think the pope should worry about the sex scandal will all get sorted out soon enough when Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior comes back from the made up the other thing I've noticed with books is like anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly look at the Bible that's still a bestseller even though they give it away in hotels I guess you could say I haven't found Jesus but then I Think Jesus should try and find me he's omnipotent I'm onelli how tough's that make a [ __ ] effort Christ or Christ make a [ __ ] effort that works either way I'm cynical about religion but I'm not a cynic I I do believe in other things I'm willing to believe in aliens for example I mean if aliens don't exist then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13 and transported me to a room full of weird flashing lights and subjected me to a terrifying recor probing oh that's right it was the guy that ran the youth center disco yeah the thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic any other Catholics in it's a weird thing isn't it like Catholic school if you go to Catholic school sex education is very odd sex education they don't want kids to be told about sex they want to show them the Catholic Church are weird the only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is [ __ ] young boys when I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me and that he could grant me wishes and stuff and then I grew up and I stopped going to church well that seems to have divided the room somewhat there's two distinct groups there there's people that thought that was funny and then there's a larger group who will be going to heaven while we're on the subject of religion I imagine there's quite a few people in here that go to mass or or wherever Protestants go hell i' imag I know have you all seen the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ it's upset an awful lot of Christians they're very up they're up in arms about it he's made a film about the Life of Christ but he's tacked on this silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end does she love the little baby Jesus or does she love the little baby Jesus or not this is quite sad I was sexually abused as a child I'm worried that my personality in history will lead me to abuse others have you thought about career in the Catholic Church any Catholics in stop touching kids I was raised Catholic the thing that used to annoy me about church when I was little was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling I wish the priest could just pick a position and [ __ ] [Applause] me churches are depressing I mean why build all of them in graveyards my local church is raising money for a giant thermometer I tell you what let's talk about religion that couldn't possibly upset anyone if Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is to be in Christ then aren't all Christians just in the way Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age Gap [Applause] now you'll notice out a deference in respect to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I've let him bum me I've got a Muslim friend who's really religious feel the tension in the room I've I've got a Muslim friend who's really religious he knows the Quran backwards which is Handy cuz that's how you read it surprisingly well-informed and inoffensive joke about the Islamic Fai and that's because I'm not a [ __ ] idiot what are the Christian going to do forgive me good luck with that speaking of Christians any Catholics in yeah got a few Catholics Catholics are a weird Bunch look at the rosary basically anal beads hello I'm Jimmy car and that was that was an old clip of me that happened in the past uh when I was funny I'm still funny now come and see me live on tour join in IRL yeah kids

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 961,194

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Id: uYv2ajQ6Yjs

Length: 10min 24sec (624 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 20 2023