- Victor Borge. So let's have a
fine hand. (entrance music and applause) - Victor, back in 1949 when
you first came on our stage, you were then a big star. I brought out a book, this book, and I know you didn't want to
do it, but I wish you would. We've had so many
requests for it, - Well it's, if you ask me, Eddy I will do anything. I haven't done it from
about five years in the air. So I think there must
be a new generation who hasn't heard
it yet. (laughs) I hope you belong to it. (audience laughs) I have to go ahead and speak
about my great grandfather, whom we traced back
to Marie Antoinette. In fact, my great grandmother traced him back there
a couple of times. (audience laughs) He had three
children. One of each. (audience laughs) One of them invented
the burglar alarm, which unfortunately was stolen
from him before he had a, (quiet laughter) When this ovation has died down, I will tell you
what else he did. (audience laughs louder) He invented a soft drink,
which he called 4-Up. Well it wasn't very good. Then he invented another drink which he called 5-Up,
which wasn't very good. Then he tried again with
6-Up. Still wasn't very good. So he finally died heartbroken. And that was the end of that. (audience laughs) Little did he know
how close he came. (audience laughs) Then I was born. Then when that happened, my
parents weren't very wealthy. So I was born at home. And when my mother saw me,
she was taken to the hospital. (audience laughs) So one day when I was
about four years old, my father came home and
found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry because we didn't
have a fireplace. (audience laughs) So here I sat, and here my
father stood, burning up. He sat and stood for awhile. It's a small country,
you know, Denmark, most of it anyway. As a matter of fact Denmark
is so small that most people live in houses, because when
they get out of their houses they're in Sweden
already, ha ha ha! That's how Ingomar Johansen
got there, I guess. (audience laughs) Well, anyway, my father
pointed at me and he said to me words than I shall never
forget so long as I live. He said, um... He said, Borge- See, he didn't
know my first name. (audience laughs) Said, shame on you. When
I was your age, I was 12. I have five children
myself, by the way. Not by the way, I
have five children. (audience laughs) We have given our children
Danish names because there are certain names in
English that I cannot pronounce. I can't say "th" very
well, it's very difficult, when one is not brought up with this business of
extending one's tongue between one's front
teeth like that. One never knows how far to go. (audience titters) See, in Denmark, we
speak way down here. (gargling noises) It's quite a translation from
(gargling noise) to "thhhn", you know.
(audience laughs) We have a little boy. He's five. Yes. He's five years old now. He- his name is, um... (audience laughs) I haven't spoken
to him so often. (audience laughs) David. (audience laughs) That's my neighbor's
little girl. (audience laughs) Well I recognize
him when I see him. But in 1941, I arrived
in the United States, unable to speak a
word of English, which in those days
was quite a handicap. I tried to learn it. And I got along as
time and a half went by and I picked up a couple
of words here and there, mostly there, because
I hadn't been here yet. I found that people who
speak English sometimes fail to understand each
other to perfection. And that is because they
neglect to use punctuation mark when they speak. And that is why I have invented
the phonetic punctuation, which means that while we
speak we will integrate punctuation marks by
adding sounds to them so that we can underline
our sentences when we speak, as well as we do, when we don't. (audience laughs quietly) I'll teach you how to use the
system. It is very simple. A period sounds like this. (splat noise) A dash, (swish noise). An exclamation point
is a vertical dash with a period underneath. (swish, splat) The comma, (squeak noise). Quotation are two commas. (squeak squeak) Or if you happen to be
lefthanded, (squeak squeak) (audience laughs) Question mark is
rather difficult. (Scrape, splat)
(audience laughs) Finally the colon. (swoosh) That's all. I'm going to read a
short story to you so you can hear how
the system sounds when it is being used
in kind of a hurry. I have chosen a
story by Shakespeare, which is in this book
and I shall just find it. Shakespeare. Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh- Shakespeare, see under S. (audience laughs) (book pages flapping) A-
(audience laughs) (pages flapping) R- S. Shakespeare. Seafood. Oh, see footnote. I'm sorry. (audience laughs) It's for further
information, see above. (audience laughs) In the open window there
suddenly came light. (splat) Beautiful Eleanor sat alone
dreaming of but one thing. (splat, swish) Two years had passed (squeak) since she met Sir Henry (splat). She could still remember
the unhappy evening (squeak) when her father had
thrown him out (splat). They had been sitting in
the park and then we have (swish squeak squeak) (audience laughs) Darling! (swish splat) Is this the first
time you have loved? (scrape, splat, squeak squeak) She answered (swish,
squeak squeak), Yes! (swish splat) (audience laughs) But it is so wonderful (swish) that I hope it will
not be the last. (splat, squeak squeak, swish) It's getting a
little messy here. (audience laughs) Suddenly she heard a
well-known sound. (splat) It was he. (splat) In two strides he was
near her (squeak), embraced (squeak),
kissed (squeak) and
caressed her (splat). (audience laughs) (Many squeaks and splats) What is love? (scrape,
splat, squeaks) And he answered (squeaks), well, (audience laughs) I couldn't live without (series of squeaks
and splat noises) (counts silently)
(splat noise) She asked (swish squeak squeak)- I'm sorry (squeak squeak). Where have all your
thoughts been this while? (scrape splat squeak squeak) And he answered (swish),
with thee (swish), my mate (swoosh swoosh). (swoosh) Suddenly he was gone (splat). All she hoyd- heard- (audience laughs) was the well-known sound of his departing horse. (exit music and applause)
