Use These Strategies To Become A BETTER Negotiatior In ANY Situation | Chris Voss

how do you take criticism not well i've never really been good at it until i wouldn't say i've mastered it i think i've gotten better over the last six years i started to really like say okay let me not react to this criticism like they probably have some good intention they're trying to tell me and maybe there's some truth there so let me start to listen to the feedback or the criticism and say okay how can i be better is there any truth in there that really resonates or are they coming from a place of anger of their own thing criticism is mostly fear-driven by the person criticizing right yeah yeah um and um and you criticize that in point of fact you've been hurt you've been disappointed you've been frustrated yeah you know there's a lot of things that you know never take advice from anybody you wouldn't trade places with criticism is a form of advice but you're afraid to tell people how to do stuff so you just criticize what they do some people and then they get it becomes an addiction for some people criticism is not a great behavior and i know you've heard the phrase nobody's doing better than you will ever criticize you right they'll mentor you right so first of all how do i take criticism it i got to take a step back and understand if somebody's coming at me with just a criticism even if they ask permission to criticize they got some they've got struggles that are worse than mine and if they ask you to give you criticism i'm i i'd be you know they're an open wound at that point yeah yeah so i'm not gonna i'm gonna say yeah sure go ahead right i'm i'm gonna they've already told me they're probably coming from a difficult place so what i'm gonna try to do is just kind of take it easy on them and understand where they're coming from um a blog i'm a big fan of eric barker writes this great blog barking up the wrong that's great eric told me one time for every every hater there's going to be 10 people that are on your side so when a critic comes up to me i see that as there are 10 people you're indicating to me that i'm successful with nine other people and i'm not going to get down on this person because it's very easy to get down on them because unfortunately they're coming from a negative place yeah gotcha that's good to know what's a role-playing exercise that anyone could do with a friend that would make them a better negotiator try to get whoever you're talking to to say the magic two words that's right which means you got to summarize where they're coming from if you in in any given interaction if you got a point you want to make yeah before you make it your trigger you're not allowed to make your point so give me an example um and you want the other person you're role playing with to say that's right okay so you were telling me about critics yeah you're a high-profile guy you're about helping other people which means you get criticized a lot that's right and when you get criticized i mean i you know i wouldn't say you're empathic although you're i would say you're probably more compassionate those are two different things empathy is you have to have empathy to be compassionate but empathy is not compassion compassion is the next step empathy is a compassionate thing to do genuinely understanding somebody but there's a real fine line there that distinct things and i think you have a tremendous amount of compassion for people so you know that when someone criticizes you they're attacking you but you also know that they've been hurt and they're struggling so you want to know how to respond to them and have them better as a result of the interaction instead of coming back and making him feel worse and you struggle with that because you're under attack and you try not to try not to fire back at him right yeah that's right so you want to have a conversation with someone if you could summarize their point of view first summarize the other person when would you summarize the other what the other person's struggling with in any type of deal-making in any type of business deal relationship buying coffee upgrading whatever it is right gotcha yeah then after that you can make your point interesting make a point or make your proposal or yeah or whatever so if you're trying to get an upgrade if you're trying to get an upgrade on an airport uh you know on a plane or in a hotel right or trying to get a super size made for free right you're trying to get some type of upgrade for free right would you do the same thing would you say i know you're going through it seems like it's been a long day for you well you can look at them until when it's going to be a long day so right off the bat it's a long day right and then as as soon as you get ready to make your ask what's their in this instinctive response the knee-jerk reaction what's that going to be when i make an ask once you've made your ass what's their pro if somebody's trying to get something for free yeah what's your typical knee jerk reaction oh this person's just trying to get something for free from me right yeah uh so and everyone does this or everyone there you go everyone's doing this yeah so you walk up and you go like hey look man i know i'm gonna seem like just another jerk who's trying to get something for free somebody treats you like you were their servant somebody who doesn't care about you could care less whether you live with that they only care that you're long you're alive long enough to make my coffee because that's what the other guy's thinking how do you articulate what they're thinking especially the negative stuff about you is when you say that they're to be like [Music] but what you did was you just woke them up you know you you woke you snapped them out of the negative loop that's in their head because the last guy came in and said yeah i'm gonna kind of hire her and i want it now i hate waiting in line to start do you do this all the time all day long are you constantly in the game of negotiation with people it's uh it's that you know that i brush my teeth today just because i brushed them yesterday you know i i i genuinely i got to keep my skills up because it's either stay even decline or get better i want to keep my skills up the mercenary in me does it because i got to keep my skills up the missionary in me does it because i actually care about people yeah i just assumed that you had a good day yeah yeah you know that you didn't that my interaction with you didn't leave you worse that my interaction with you left you better everybody we encounter should be left better by the interaction how important is the intention before you walk up to the coffee shop before you go to the hotel before you get on the phone with the other business owner to make a deal before you have a conversation with your partner about where you're going to dinner do you set an intention first like walking into the hotel you're like this is what i'm going to say this is the result that i want to get out of this this is the the way i want to leave people feeling the intention yeah the intention is you know i i i want to i want you to have fun with the interaction the other person yeah i want you to have fun if i if i if i'm playful if i'm intending for you to have fun you know i'm in a department store yeah i'm joking around with the guy behind the counter and i go i go tell you what you know what how about if you give me the employee discount right give me the employee discount i'll say it like that give me the employee discount and then the guy in the store says if i give you the employee discount i'm going to have to pay for it myself and i go i'll pay you back said it just like that he went and he started walking around asking people how he could key key it in and give me the same discount without having to pay himself he walked around the store for 10 minutes really i i and i and i saw i saw him walk up to a manager as a manager shaking his head yeah he's going to someone else and then on his way back another employee walked up to him on the side whispered in his ear and he went okay and he walked up and i got 30 off wow but you didn't pay him back it was just like a playful i just you know yeah i just i'm just i just was being playful about it just being silly about it and what's the best way to get an upgrade at a hotel for you all right so uh a slightly different take on the approach yes my son does this all the time my son brandon runs my business he's our best negotiator he prides himself when we all come into a hotel he's got to be in a better room than me and i'm the boss that's hilarious and as far as i'm concerned i'm paying the bills yeah of course he got an upgrade in a hotel one one time that i couldn't even get on the floor you need a special key yeah keep going yeah man the other guys were going hey we'll come up to your room he goes no no i got he goes i got to come get you no i said no we'll just come knock on your door goes no you can't even get on the floor anymore he paid less for his room than i paid for mine i'm the boss but you walk up to somebody and say i'm getting ready to make your day your day the most difficult day you ever worked here and he says just somebody works behind the counter at a hotel i mean god knows what they've seen you know have you got a head in the bag do you want to are you going to have ritual sacrifice in a room right you know what have you done you've done because in a hotel they've seen every every kind of sort of crazy thing you could imagine and they just go oh god what is it he goes i'm just going to be another self-centered person looking for a free upgrade they're like oh my god that's it that's it that's it oh yeah and they they they immediately through the roof and they start checking and listening hey you know what uh yeah i tell you what let me let me give you this room it's on it's on the exclusive floor presidential suite president ain't coming so i'm going to give you the president all right i know the president ain't coming tonight we're holding the sweet form just in case you can have it he's not going to be here wow i remember from our interview the last time i think if my memory is right you would say one of the strategies is leading with like being challenging in a certain way or i'm gonna be like i'm going to be demanding a lot isn't that something that you talk to a little bit yeah you know that way right i i'm going to if if if i know you're going to react negatively to my ask i will give you a preview that makes it worse look worse than what it's going to be yeah so what do you call that that for lack of a better term it's emotional emotional anchoring emotional anchoring you know we we don't do price anchoring uh-huh you know but we'll do emotional anchoring if if if you're not gonna like what i have to say i'm gonna say look you're not gonna like this right that's what it is and then i'm gonna shut up because your amygdala is gonna kick into gear and you're gonna think that i'm gonna insult you your parentage your family your genealogy everything because the amygdala is going to go into overdrive wow so whatever i ask for after that is going to be relief and i'm doing that also because i need to keep an eye on how you feel when we're done not as much how you feel at the start but how you feel when we're done so you want someone to be it's okay if they start off in a lower energetic uh or negative attitude as long as when you finish they feel like okay it got better over time yeah you you you feel good at the end the last impression is a lasting impression interesting and that's unavoidable yeah it's it's what we refer to as a law of gravity it doesn't you know we have gravity we can't explain why gravity works but you're still not going to step off the balcony because gravity is there right the last impression is a lasting impression no matter what so i need to more than anything else make sure that the last impression is positive or at least feels collaborative or you're a business partner with someone or you've been in a a long negotiation for six months with someone either one you've been a business partner working together for a year or two or you've been trying to find a deal with someone else for a year or two right and it's taking too long both options have taken too long that haven't you haven't been getting the results you want and you feel like you've been taken advantage of a little bit let's just say that how do you and it's going you started off good and it's going the opposite way right it's getting worse and worse how do you finalize it so that it goes back to a high or a higher mark leaving you feeling better and leaving the other person feeling better or or you get out of it yeah or you just get out of it but you just say okay i'm done bye i don't want to talk to you how do you not burn a bridge if you're in that situation um i'd probably say something effective look you're not going to like this to start with the emotional anchoring right interesting um this isn't working for me and i'm sorry but i'm afraid i can't do it anymore now my problem here has been that i like you i've always liked you and the stuff that we've done together successfully has been phenomenal and i would like nothing better than at some point in time in the future for us to be able to get back to that but for right now in order to preserve the memories of the positive things we've done i got to be i'm i'm out now wow how do i remember that so every time i'm in a situation i can say that same thing well it's a little bit of a sequence yeah and the the sequence is um we need to stop what we're doing right now but if we're going to stop what we're doing right now what everybody thinks of is where is this going in the future um so i gotta i got to create a point in time for the future that we're both happy with so there's still a bridge there you know there's still there's still an opportunity for the future yeah maybe it's a year maybe it's never going to happen but you keep it open i'm open to it i want and i and i'm i'm finishing positively but i am finishing interesting yeah because you the last words that i the last two sentences maybe even just the last sentence are going to ring in your ears over and over and over and over because that's what your brain is always going to go back to the last impression how do i make you feel at the end i make you i make make you feel valued and you're going to appreciate the fact that i walked away without calling you names but i walked away right it's hard to do yeah it well it's hard to get your practice in you go to practice yeah you know you just you're working on a few times most of the time what people have at the end is the the battle for the last word is when the last word is a cheap shot right that's when people screw you too hang up right right and i'm going to call you back just say screw you right back and then i'm going to hang up yeah you know there's a battle of the last words of probably the last words of cheap shot but when a last word is a positive thing it's not a problem it's always end in a positive with positive words right even if you feel taken advantage of even if they hurt you even if they screwed you over or whatever you should always try to end in a positive way yeah without question because if you're talking to them then your goal was to resolve things and to have a great relationship now you might say that at the very beginning of the interaction but it's more important to say it at the end you know my goal was always to have a great relationship with you and if we could get out of this dynamic that would be my goal again but right now i'm out yeah but understand that at any point in time when we could go back to working collaboratively i'd love to do it well that's good yeah and so usually what it is is take take what you said at the beginning and at least say it again at the end that's good yeah i like that what is something that you did as a hostage negotiator with terrorists around the world that you use today in just common interactions is there something that you did at the height of like this intense conversation that you you do on a daily basis pretty much everything we've been talking about yeah you know i'm gonna i'm gonna make a verbal observation on on how they're processing things you know it seems like it seems like it sounds like it feels like you'll see all these things yeah yeah that's the bread and butter of great hostage negotiations really yeah it's having them be seen or heard yeah if they understood you know people are taking actions to make a point what happens if you can make the point without taking the action they're taking actions to make a point right and you're saying you don't need to take that action because i hear you yeah let me see what happens if i can if i can if you and it's makes no sense at all but i'm going to take probably percent of a terrorist agenda away just by making them feel hurt making him her feel hurt ah then then at i'll deal with whatever i have to afterwards but let's say i could only take away ten percent of their agenda by making them feel hurt yeah what what if i could only take away one percent of their actions by making them feel hurt that's worth the investment to me it's worth it let me see what's left over after they feel hurt less fingers they're cutting off less people they're blowing up whatever right yeah one way or another yeah what is um what's the best approach say i'm looking to buy a company right i'm looking to acquire something i really like this software this tool this agency i want to buy them what's the best approach without seemingly or thinking like oh if i come to them like i'm too needy i really want them then i'm giving them all the power right what's the best approach if someone that wants to buy something yeah um completely counterintuitive what are all their arguments for making you pay the high price state them first because what that actually does is it leaves them with nothing to say so eight milo very nice right exactly right hey milo yeah we used to we used to use that that clip from eight mile all the time so good articulate everything they got to say so for for instance if if i'm an agency you want to buy me right my company what would you say if i'm like my business is growing we're getting all this attention we're helping clients with big results where we're growing as fast as possible and you're like wow this company is really growing we got to get them now before they're too big what would you if you call me up on the phone do you write me an email hey i want to meet for coffee what's the best approach in person email phone video conferencing you could have it anyway all right i'd say look um uh i'd probably say uh right off the bat like like i'm completely blown away with what you're doing you guys are phenomenal you're on the upswing you guys are killing it um i'm gonna seem like a cheapskate i'm gonna seem like i'm trying to get something for nothing so emotional anchoring yeah is it a ridiculous idea for us to talk about you selling in your company well getting something for nothing is that he said too yeah wow okay because i've started off with appreciation yeah i've lowered your expectations of me and see the last thing that i did also was i did what we refer to as a no oriented question instead of saying would you like to buy would you like me to would you like to talk to me about selling your company i'd say is it a ridiculous idea for us to talk about you selling me your company what if i say yeah it's kind of ridiculous and we're done i never had a shot to begin with oh see this is about keeping me out of deals that either i'm never going to make or i don't want them so it saved you six months of your life potentially in a two-minute phone call right but if they say yeah we're growing super fast it'd be it'd be it'd be hard for me to really want to sell right now but you know if you made me a great offer i'd be open yeah i'd say sounds to me like there's just no way that'll be able to ever make you happy because i need a great offer yeah if you say something like that to me what you're actually doing is trying to get a really high bid out of me to soothe your ego you want to go back to the employees and say you know what we're worth 150 million dollars and i turned it down [Music] because in five years we're going to be worth 450 million wow so that kind of that kind of a question is you want a bid for me to make you feel good you're not seriously gonna by by laying it out like that you're you're not seriously gonna entertain selling what if you as a business owner were like we really we really need something like this we need an agency like this to help us grow what if you're in a position like we got to find an agency like this if it's not this agency someone close to it in order to help us grow would you say okay let me go look at the other options internally to yourself or would you keep that one open so you can potentially come back in six months if something happens or well then my the last thing i'm probably going to say is how do i help you grow faster than you've got the means to get there on your own [Music] you know my guess is based on your rate of uh improvement what would you say is a high high multiple of how much you guys are going to grow how are you going to get there right we have to start talking about because now this is this is a typical dilemma for a lot of companies that are buying other companies because the company wants to sell today is more worried about today's price as opposed to the amount of money that they could be worth in the future and they're leaving this future money on the table yeah like let's say your company's worth nine million dollars but you had a buddy sell his company for 12. so you're not taking less than 12 for your company now it's worth nine i can only buy it from eight yeah but i can take you to 200. that's interesting in three years so you got to show them the future potential as opposed to now the contrast the fear of loss is our ultimate decision-making tool people most of the time will sacrifice the future because of the present but what you need to do is not sacrifice the future over the present so i'll say to you so two million dollars today is worth more to you than 130 million dollars in three years wow that's good and then you go like wait a minute no that doesn't make any sense so you need to reframe it for people right interesting because people are almost always framed on the wrong thing yeah almost always framed on today as opposed to where could we be tomorrow in this a lot of what we're talking about today comes from stuff we've written in the edge now the first one and uh situation drive strategy immortal words of brandon voss situation drive strategy no coincidence on the last name by the way for those of you that know had you given up on this project i got you know i get a uh text i get communications on this all the time again i get a text camera whose text or linkedin message the other day maybe even instagram um the guy says this is just short of a magic spell like i get people who respond and we cut the deal so much that it's it's like magic it works so much situation drive strategy you cannot ask somebody how you have you given up on this project at the beginning of the conversation it's out of context it has for it to be appropriate for it to be authentic it has to be on something they've already started a communication you've already started if i get a text message or an email from somebody and it's my first communication from them and they basically say have you given up on working with me my answer then is yes because you're trying to manipulate me with this question i never started so i never could have given up and you if you try that on me you need to learn the situation drive strategies out of context and people won't trust you [Music] if it's out of context they're gonna feel like even though they're saying no there's something wrong with this maybe maybe it works some people some but if you're opening your communications with have you given up on [Music] i would ask you to rethink your approach to people come back be a little more authentic pull out of the manipulation have you given up on this project is for when people have ghosted you when you're being ghosted have you given up on this project is just darn near not only it's close to guarantee and nothing is guaranteed but it's just close to a guarantee that they're going to respond to you and on top of that they're going to respond to you in three or five minutes of seeing it and what we want you to know from the black swan group is the system that you're using is perfectly designed to give you the outcome that you've obtained what do i mean by that if they're ghosting you your communication strategy has led to them ghosting you if they stop communicating with you people don't stop communicating if they feel listened to one of two things is going on on the other side and it's probably combination of both you're not listening you're pitching you're explaining ronald reagan said if you're explaining you're losing and secondly there's a really good chance that they're losing power and influence on their side thank you very much i love that i love the applause for those of you that are applausing applauding much appreciated so you've got to take into account that you have been listening to them and they may be losing influence on their side which embarrasses them they don't want to admit that that's one of the reasons they're going to stop talking to you a lady i was advising on negotiations in the early days before the book came out we hadn't proved this concept she's selling this guy on an investment she's she's running an investment um uh fund and it happens to be an nfl coach and he's ghosting and i said send him a text that says have you given up on investing in the fund and she's like you know i never heard of that but what the heck i got nothing to lose he's not calling me back anyway so she sends him the text message have you given up on investing in the fund he responds immediately that's what they will do and she goes back to pitching before which caused him to stop talking to her in the first place because she was pitching she was explaining she wasn't listening and it was the last she ever heard of this is the most powerful one-shot reset you are ever going to be given ever but if you go back to what contributed them to ghosting you in the first place you're just blowing your one shot reset what do you got to do when you reset you gotta get a that's right out of them you gotta demonstrate understanding you gotta make him feel heard give you another example it's in the book never split the difference woman consultant seven problem with a male ceo she's perceiving that he's somewhat of a misogynist he's giving her a hard time because she's a woman he owes her money she doesn't he doesn't want to pay he's making up all of these nonsensical excuses we say do two things send them a text saying have you given up on settling this amicably it's a version of have you given up on this project now he's going to get back to you right away and at that point in time you have to be prepared with a summary to get a that's right out of it make him feel heard may come under make him feel understood because it breaks down bears when you make somebody feel understood when you get it that's right out of somebody agreement is right around the corner and the important thing about that idea right around the corner is you can't see it but it's on top of you it's right around the corner now she doesn't think that he's going to call back right away because he's been so uncooperative and so hostile and so defensive and all this negative stuff she's like yeah yeah sure i'm gonna send him the text just to prove that you're wrong and he ain't getting back to me and she's not ready with a summary sends him the text he gets back to her right away the sound of her his voice triggers her again she's not ready with a summary which by the way keeps you from being triggered one of the reasons you want to summarize the other side is because it calms you down because so much says it calms them down but it calms you down even uttering an attempt at a summary of their perspective calms you down it's incredible she's not ready for this his voice triggers her again she gets mad and goes down the tubes and she doesn't get paid so haven't you given up on this project have you given up on settling this amicably have you given up on x whatever that is they will respond and they are going to respond in three to five minutes again this is to restart a communication and be ready with a summary because if they stop communicating with you it's a really good chance your communication strategy contributed to the problem the system you're using is perfectly designed to give you the outcome that you've obtained jack welch author of jack in winning alongside his with his wife susie they're coming through uh los angeles a couple of years ago they're they're they're hustling their book the real life mba i go to the book signing jack walters i want to come speak the negotiation course i'm teaching at the time at usc how many people try to get jack welts to say yes to something at that book signing pretty much every one of them right they're going to come up there jack how are you yeah my kid makes my wife makes a great meal if you want to come to the house tonight god knows what they're going to ask you jack i got this invention would you pose with it how many people are going to ask him to try to say yes that day that week how many people try to get jack welch to say yes to something you're me you come up to jack welch what do you say and how much time do you have you maybe got seven seconds and even if you get to the second response after him there's 300 people standing behind you in line they walk you up there before you get to them they say what's your name chris write on a piece of paper so jack doesn't get it wrong really that's so you know so you don't talk to him and that you keep moving on top of that have they patted me down do they know whether or not i've got a gun have i been through a metal detector as a matter of fact i do have a gun but he's not in trouble for me they don't have my identification they don't know i'm not going to hurt them i'm going to get within arm's length of jack welch action is quicker than reaction they can't stop me from doing anything i want to do this is this is the dilemma of bodyguards you get within arm's length as a target you can only stop them after they've done it you can grab them after they've killed your target but you can't stop them i'm going to get with an arm's length of jack welts i could do whatever i want i could walk up to him i can use some right on the lips if i want to right he was falling asleep want to make sure he's waked up he's going to wake up screaming in the middle of nighttime i walk up to jack welch and this is what i say to him is it a ridiculous idea for you to come and speak at the negotiation course that i teach at usc he looks up and to the left he gets this really intense skull on his face and it just freezes and i think to myself i just killed jack welch [Applause] he had a stroke he's so furious he's going to die and the security is going to tackle me i'm going to drag me on cuffs i would say but i'm an fbi agent we don't care he killed jack welch so initially when he doesn't die i'm relieved but he still doesn't move he finally unfreezes he looks at me and he says this is my personal assistant's name this is special twitter account we have set up to communicate with her i will call her and tell her who you are and what you want i think we're going to be in los angeles in the fall if we are we'll come in and speak at your class calibrated no is worth at least five yeses uh mixed use building this building is in a historic portion of this town marcelo are you still with me i am and you're coming through clear all right so um it's in a historic district of town which means nothing's going up nothing's going up nothing's coming down 98 occupancy people lined up around the block to become tenants of this building and it's for sale as agents what do you want to know right off the bat 98 occupancy lined up around the block historic district in town it's for sale what do you want to know immediately why is he selling why is he selling that's what our guy wants to know why is he selling but our guy wants to know that um despite the fact that he knows that why makes people universally defensive he doesn't want to make the listing agent defensive so he doesn't want to ask a why question so what did he do was he intentionally mislabeled or he labeled something that wasn't obvious and he said this it seems like the seller must be trying to get out of the market due to disbelief in the future of the market if they're selling the listing agent said no my client is underwater on several properties and he needs to start offloading immediately now this being a mislabel invokes the law of negotiation gravity that says the desire to correct is irresistible there's no way that the seller gave the listing agent that kind of or the permission to release that kind of information to anybody but the desire to correct this young inexperienced agent overrode the best interest of his client it felt better to correct this young agent with the right information than it did to protect the interest of his client and so keep that in mind you're going to be afforded opportunities where you can mislabel intentionally mislabel a situation an incident or an event and get corrected with more truthful information you get a less guarded response and more candid information when you are being corrected so don't be afraid to actually label something that's not there because they're going to correct you summarize the situation summarize the situation from the other person's point of view if you're summarizing and you've done it right the other side is going to say that's right you got to get them to say that's right not your right they say you're right when you've been pitching and they want you to shut up you're right the secret code for please stop talking we sort of joke around in my com in my company we say your writer's code for fu the two millimeter shift is describing to them and this is what mike was talking about earlier discover what's important to them how do you know when you've discovered it when they say that's right not your right they say you're right when you're pitching they say that's right when you reiterate it back to them what world looks like to them there's stuff here that you will never know unless they tell you and they will only tell you after they've said that's right and they will then correct you and let you know what matters to them which is a lot quicker way than laying out a 10-point value proposition when only three of those ten matter because all the time you spent on the seven of the ten that don't matter are wasted time and is what everybody else is doing to them does it work on sociopaths this is an american that was kidnapped in the philippines and this is the sociopath that's got him and this is a rape and killing murder and head shop in terrace straight out of the movies and this is the negotiator that i'm coaching now our social path is calling for 10 million dollars of war damages for 500 years of oppression from the spanish to the japanese to the americans it's a smart move because it makes 10 million sound like not that much money fishing harm fishing rights violation economic harm everything that's happened over the last 500 years now i realize right now you're tuning this out because you've never been in a discussion when someone was mad at you and they were bringing up things from the past that didn't have anything to do with you did you people don't do that that's just crazy only terrorists do that so we get into this and we go back and forth and finally we got to hit the reset button this is what we refer to as the birth of that's right moment because i coach my guy to say today what we're going to do is get the sociopath to say that's right and you're going to summarize everything that he said and especially the bad stuff about us that's where you're going to have trouble because you only want to talk about the good stuff about you but from their perspective the bad stuff about us and lay it on thick because in this stuff this tactical application of empathy this tactical application of fbi empathy if you're not laying it on thick you're not laying it on thick enough so we get on the phone with this guy i'm coaching the negotiator and i coached all over the world that's what i did i coached negotiations and he lays my guy lays it all out 500 years of oppression spanish to the japanese the americans atrocities under blackjack persian in the 1900s violation of the fishing rights economic harm injustice is unfair you're not filipinos anywhere your morals and you're being oppressed today by a puppet government in the philippines is held up by the last colonial power which is the americans and he goes on and on and on and finally he gets done there's a moment of silence and the sociopath on the other end of the line says that's right and in that moment we went from 10 million dollars to zero the ransom was never mentioned again through the duration of the kidnapping it went away it was just gone kidnapping took a couple more twists and turns a couple months later the american walks away just showing the american just walks away local farmer sees him walking down the dirt road sees knows he's got to be jeffrey shilling because ain't that many black americans walking around south of philippines says you must be jeffrey selling says i am they're flying back to manila the military they hold a big press conference president of philippines on one side secretary of defense on the other side secretary of defenses and a daring rescue operation we have rescued the american jeffrey schilling we shot all these terrorists and they were mortally wounded they went off into the brush and died that's why we don't have any bodies to show you but it was a daring rescue operation during operation they gave me a ride i'm back in the philippines about three weeks afterwards another kidnapping has gotten kicked off and i kept up connect up with my guy and he says you're not gonna believe who called me on the phone i don't know the terrorist the sociopath he still knows my guy by his undercover names got his undercover number what do you say have you been promoted yet i don't know what it was he said to me on the phone i was gonna kill the american you're really good they should promote you he hangs up what's he saying in that moment i felt respected by you i deal with you again that's what he was saying he was telling him that if they had to deal with each other again he felt respected enough that he would be he would be willing to deal with them as a peer peer-to-peer base understand that terrorists got nothing nothing his organization ended up in shambles as a result of this and he was still willing to deal with the guy that got the dice right out of him everybody you deal with everybody you deal with regardless of the outcome should feel that way when they get done interacting with you now let's dive in number one is now a bad time to talk now we're gonna give you several no oriented questions in a row because they're awesome and they help get you an advantage right away but one of the things i'm going to underscore on these no oriented questions is the issue of decision fatigue now look everybody's got the same problem we all suffer from decision fatigue you suffer from decision fatigue what does that mean what that means is there are only so many decisions you can make in a given day there are only so many decisions any human being can make in a given day that's one of the reasons why if you're in prison and you come up for parole you want to come up for parole in the morning instead of the afternoon because in the afternoon they're going to give you no decision they're not going to be able to make a decision you're more likely to stay in jail this is not parole and parole board issues this is human nature issues there are only so many decisions only so much gas anybody has in a tank to make decisions on a given day and that's going to be a result of you know how much sleep they get the night before what uh what their diet is what they ate that day whether or not they ate carbs where they are in their circadian rhythm everybody hits a circadian low roughly about 3 am and about 3 pm just part of being a human being decision fatigue issues however we found in a black swan group through practice and application the people are capable of saying no at pretty much any time of the day i had an intern a number of years ago only wanted to ask me how and what questions because he was horrified about making a mistake middle of the afternoon he'd be asking me how and what questions and i just didn't have the gas in the tank to answer them to be able to engage in that deep thinking as danny kahneman would say so consequently i'd say like i don't know don't bother me leave me alone instead of giving them an answer finally i said look don't ever ask me a question after one o'clock in the afternoon the answer is no because i could say no and i can think through the next several steps and give them guidance we've used this on a regular basis you got to get into practice using no oriented questions and number one is the flip side of the most common thing you're saying on a regular basis which is wrong actually it's not that it's wrong it's just not great you say have you got a few minutes to talk now i know you mean that respectfully and we're not throwing respect out the window here the black's phone method is actually extremely respectful it's now a bad time to talk test drive it use it on a regular basis build your know oriented questions mental synapses and experiment with the sort of answers that you get you're gonna like them and as a side note i would say to you anybody that would say yes to that do you really want to talk to them then at that moment when they've actually said yes to that no you know right number two is it a ridiculous idea use this in place of is it a good idea for all the same reasons that i just gave you you gotta get your practice in number three are you against xyz whatever it may be instead of are you in favor of again you've got to use this to get into practice we had a woman at a in a hospital services company once who was a little skeptical of our no oriented questions approach walked out of the room during the training and reached out to the head nurse in a hospital about a program that she'd been trying to get the head nurse to accept that the head nurse had been rejecting instead of saying do you want to agree or would you like to do this she said are you against and then ask the question the head nurse immediately said no they came to an agreement and they implemented the program she came walking back in the room and said you guys are not going to believe what just happened i've been trying to get agreement on this for weeks and i switched from a yes question to a no question and cut the deal gotta get your reps in number four have you given up on x whatever that x may be this is context driven what's the context it has to be something they've already started on otherwise you're using a black swan skill as a manipulative trap which is not what we advise they have to have already started on this now when do you use this you use this when they are ghosting you they've gone silent on you this will restart your conversation 999 times out of a thousand don't let the fact that it stops one or a thousand times stop you scare you nothing works all the time this works more than anything else does and what makes it work well you got to keep this in mind your system is perfectly designed to give you the outcome you've obtained if they've gone silent on you you've been doing something to contribute to them going silent on you you've probably been explaining you've probably been pitching you've probably been educating gonna stop all these things restart the conversation with this one shot restart and then your very next move is you to get a tr out of them what's a tr that's right how do you get a tr how do you get that's right you got to summarize their perspective particularly their reservations their reasons for not doing it what they're up against the difficulty of what they might be facing and then go dead silent you do not go but here's why those aren't good reasons you got to go dead silent and get it that's right out of them if you can't get it that's right out of them at that point you've got to say it sounds like i've left something out that's a bonus response for you to use here which is not on our top 10 list but helps you get farther in your conversations number five and we're going to get into the category here with letting out know a little at a time a person that i consider a good friend and i'm really impressed with ned coletti former gm of the los angeles dodgers we were sitting around talking about negotiation one time that is a phenomenal negotiator and he told me the phrase i like to let out know a little at a time this is a great attitude you do not want to let people get blindsided by you suddenly saying no you've got to let it out a little at a time and the first way is letting out know a little at a time in a highly collaborative way is how am i supposed to do that now many of you know this is one of the most famous lines with the black swan method and it's pretty much the opening story in the book never split the difference how am i supposed to do that and we originally conceived of this as a way to passively say no even passively aggressively against the throat cutting negotiators that are really trying to kick your backside and what it is in many other ways is it's an implementation question how questions are about implementation it's designed to let the other side realize that there's some implementation issues here this also falls in the category of what brandon voss is labeled forced empathy it forces the other side to take a good empathic look at your situation we use empathy because it works and we use empathy because we want to get it in return you're going to use empathy because it works and you're going to use empathy because you want it in return and how am i supposed to do that is a great starting point for that now what happens if they turn around and say well that's your problem will they put it right back on you which will happen occasionally once had a woman say i used how am i supposed to do that and it didn't work because they shot back right at me and told me how i was supposed to do that well number one the fact is it's not that it didn't work the fact is is that it's giving you a better clearer picture of the situation they throw it right back on you they're telling you they're not interested in showing you any empathy that's an interesting clue that maybe you don't want to do business with them all right i'm going to give you two ways to subscribe to the black swan groups negotiation newsletter which is free doesn't cost you anything i had a colleague with the fbi that used to like to say if it's free i'll take three here's how you subscribe to the edge if you're in the united states if you're not i'll give you a method right afterwards send the text to the number is 33777. that's 33777 the text message that you send is black swan method black swan method 233 triple seven it's concise it's actionable that's the most important parts of this concise and actionable comes your email inbox on tuesday mornings when you're ready to rock and roll and get after the week now if you're not inside the united states you see the black swan website the home page you go up on the right hand side here on this menu here you see blog click on that bang you're at the negotiation edge on the right hand side right here subscribe first name and email sign up now there's a ton of free information on this site on the black swan group website home look at it get everything free that we have if it's free you should take three and in the model of letting out know a little at a time here's the next no that you let out which is number six on our list and it is your offer is very generous i'm afraid that just doesn't work for me now here's the beauty aspects of this you mentioned generous you want to encourage generosity on their part that's a good thing for you to throw into this statement second part it just doesn't work for me that removes the problem of external criteria now my academic brothers and sisters like to talk about well let's agree on an external criteria why should you agree to the external criteria maybe the external criteria is okay and appropriate in a neutral situation or in situations other than yours well why should external criteria apply to you in many cases it doesn't you want to remove an agreement on external criteria from the conversation because they're only going to agree to external criteria that works against you and you don't want to put yourself in that corner this is a great way to come back with a much stronger no one of the students in our class at georgetown said they use that phrase your offer is very generous but i'm sorry it just doesn't work for us and he said the people on the other side of the table looked at each other and then looked back at him and said you're right it is high now that's an interesting response because you want to have an impact on what you say what you say and what they hear you want them to get across in their brain stuff doesn't work there's a pretty good chance it's too high you don't want them to feel backed into a corner when you're letting out know it a little at a time and this is a great way to do that don't back people into a corner they will disagree even when it's not in their interest to disagree taking away their autonomy is a bad idea and that's what happens when you back people into a corner now number seven this is another counterintuitive response and you use it for when somebody calls you and says how are you today instead of saying fine you know how are you or my back hurts or it's a wonderful day when they're calling you and saying how are you today what are they really trying to find out well they're really trying to find out are you in a mental place to talk about what i want to talk about so here's how you short circuit this conversation in a way that builds rapport that they appreciate gathers information and preserves your most precious commodity and theirs which is time it sounds like you've got a place you want to start they are gonna love this of course they have a place they want to start they thought about it before they called you now every now and then somebody's going to say to you yeah i do have a place i want to start but i really want to know how are you today cool then engage in the conversation and then you can get back to the place they wanted to start everybody wins number eight another counter-intuitive response and this is how you should respond to questions when you're asked a question so the first way to respond to questions and number eight on our list is what makes you ask just like that now when somebody asks you a question what's more important is the question behind the question what makes you ask for two reasons number one most people are not good at asking questions that question may be a result of a committee decision you know uh how good a committee is well let me give you an example a giraffe is a horse designed by a committee so committee decision questions are going to be off on number two what's really driving at what make them ask is far more important than what they actually asked so you got to find out and this is not disrespectful they're going to be happy to tell you and if they're not well that tells you a lot about them too and how can you respond if they say just answer the question your response is i want to make sure that i answer what you're really asking me i'm just trying to dial in to what you're really after more respect if they don't like respect from you that tells you a lot about them and whether or not you should continue to be in business with them now what happens if some of the afternoon their decision fatigue they're having trouble coming up with an answer it's too in-depth the alternate to great calibrated questions and what makes you ask is a calibrated question you want to ask an alternative label an asking label if you will and so number nine on our list is the alternative to what makes you ask and that is it seems like you have a good reason for asking that or it seems like you have a good reason for asking that i give you both inflections there make sure you shut the front door right after you use that label what does that mean go silent count thousands to yourself if you have to let them break the silence you won't get past three be prepared to count to ten and wait respectfully this is a respectful dynamic and respect is one of your best choices finally number 10 on the top 10 list of black swan negotiation bullets you're going to use this when the other side is failing to perform when they're not living up to an agreement what do you say it seems like you have a reason for not doing and then whatever it is that they didn't do x y perform finish the contract finish the work call me back they're gonna have a reason they're probably afraid to tell you this is the best way to re-engage a collaborative approach to whatever the problem is so that they feel safe and respected always the keys to a long-term relationship we are trying to accomplish a couple of things with the use of tactical empathy first is to build and maintain relationships this is the fastest way to build and maintain relationships um there is a thought process out there there are people that subscribe to the theory of common ground many people try to establish and maintain relationships with common ground and i'm not here to tell you that common ground is not a i'm not here to tell you the common ground is a bad approach there are many who have established relationships and made deals based on common ground however you have to ask yourself what are you going to do if that's you what are you going to do if there's no common ground what if you got no common ground with the people that you're dealing with on the other side what do you do then this is where tactical empathy comes in i don't need common ground i had no common ground with anybody i ever talked to inside a crisis site who had taken hostages or were threatening to commit suicide or otherwise failing to surrender never had any common ground and yet was successful in influencing surrender in the majority of cases that were out there why is that it's because common ground or not tactical empathy is something that can be used in any interaction business personal or otherwise common ground is usually specific to the situation and so just be careful with your use of common ground um number one you're you're making an assumption if you use it you're making an assumption that just because you have common ground with this other person they're going to do what you need them to do and for some people that assumption is a dangerous one [Music] as a cop when i was on the road and i would see a vehicle violate a traffic law and i light the person up and i pull them to the side of the road it used to drive me crazy when the first thing that comes out of the window before i even approach the car is a badge now a badge is hanging out the window of this violating vehicle he is all or she has already made an assumption that just because we have common ground i.e we both carry badges that i'm going to give them special dispensation and usually it was the opposite when when you you've already made an assumption about what i intend to do based on the fact that we have common ground i found it offensive i had one guy i pulled him over as i'm approaching the car there's a badge hanging out whenever it's a federal badge i can see that as i'm approaching the car and the badge it said special agent housing and urban development and i said that ain't gonna cut it bro that ain't gonna cut it and so just be careful with the common ground um because if it's not there you're going to be in trouble and number two people often take offense at you suggesting that oh you're some place based on my son plays baseball we should make a deal don't assume that that's always going to be the case we have a couple of questions come up do we want to go back to the label questions sure they have label questions sure okay so um one question is from um ivonne i'm not sure i hope that's right so she's asking can you use it when negotiating promotion so she said for example seems like you do not feel like i'm ready for the promotion or seems like you would prefer this person get a promotion and not me so she's wondering what the best way to use that would be without being pushy um i think both of those labels are appropriate um labels can be used in any situation just about okay as long as you're using a good label and you're not labeling something that's going to come across as you know rude or purposely to make someone defensive i think you're going to be fine every personality type every negotiator personality type responds well to labels okay all three of the types accommodator assertive analysts all of them like labels so no matter who you're dealing with on the other side of the table a label will be fine just monitor your tone of voice make sure you put it out there very you know matter-of-factly especially with the what was the first label again seems like seems like let's see seems like you do not feel like i'm ready for the promotion right so soften that up just a hair and say seems like um there may be a feeling that i'm not ready for this promotion that way you're not singling out that one person that you're talking to and instead of saying it seems like you don't feel like i'm ready for this it seems like there may be a feeling that i'm not ready for this that way you're you're not pointing specifically at that person yeah and i would just um if i can add something real quick standing um for example if you're wanting if you're wondering like why am i not being promoted right you can use a label to try to understand that that as well right like um seems like there's something impeding this promotion seems like there's something right like there's some kind of obstacle so you can address that and then you'll get to the bottom of maybe why you're not getting the promotion in the first place it's one more question sorry about um so um there's one what if you're clearly being disrespected so like if someone's like staring at your chest for example instead of talking to you in your actual eyes face um she said for an example seems like you're being a pig is that a bit harsh yeah that's a bit harsh um you want to point it out but you don't want to point it out by by actually calling them a name so what might be better is it seems like something in our conversation is distracting you in other words i know that you're distracted by this and you shouldn't be distracted by this so i'm going to point out that i know you're distracted and maybe that'll bring your eyes up where they're supposed to be so remember you're not just actually labeling um how you feel about them you're labeling the dynamics of the situation so if you have someone that's constantly looking at your chest you can say it seems like you may be a little distracted because that when you're looking right at them and they look at you and they know they've just looked up they're going to be like oh you know caught red-handed so um and you might even follow that up with another label saying you know it looks like we need to kind of regroup and get back on track and you know do it that way but be careful being quite so blunt and honest um look for more of the the situation that's happening there and kind of label that they know what they're doing okay that pig knows what he's doing he knows he's looking at your chest he's not stupid he knows he's looking at your chest so when you say seems like you may be a little distracted and you're looking right at him with a question mark like are you distracted and he's gonna look up and realize that he just got snagged okay so you want to point it out but you don't want to and and this is the problem that some women face when you speak up for yourself you're automatically categorized as as an assertive [ __ ] and you shouldn't be so using the labels in a more subtle way will break away from that and keep in mind using labels is cumulative in other words it's not a one and done skill sometimes you have to do it three or four times to get an idea across but if you stay in the proper mindset if you stay curious about why are they acting the way they're acting and it may be because they're a pig but you don't necessarily want to point the finger at that right away um they're that way because that's the way they feel like they can act somehow or another through their life somewhere someone has given them the permission and told them that it's okay to do that you don't have to put up with that you can call them on that you can say seems like you're finding something else more fascinating and i mean look down like you know where they're looking and you don't have to point out and say stop looking at my breasts you know and be obvious about it but you can basically put out there you know it seems like you're you're too busy focusing somewhere else looks like we need to refocus on what we're doing and just be a little more subtle about it do it with a smile on your face stay in that accommodator voice because and it's not threatening to them and you're not going seems like you're too busy looking at my brush you know because then they're going to get defensive when they get defensive you're automatically a [ __ ] in their eyes even when you've done absolutely nothing wrong so the way go ahead no go ahead now yeah i mean to that point where it's like okay i you know hate the idea that like we always have to be smiling or whatever right ultimately it's it's just when you're attacking someone so if like you're essentially calling that person a name it's just always going to be counterproductive does that person deserve it sure that's not what we're talking about right of course they do but the problem is it's like if i want to have a working relationship with this person if it's going to be more beneficial for me in the long run which most the time it is then i need to understand how to actually make this productive and so calling out behavior rather than name calling is going to be the more productive route absolutely um and then um dion had a question which is how is it bad to come across as [ __ ] [ __ ] i'm not gonna say that it's never okay to be [ __ ] because i i mean you know i'm [ __ ] a lot i'm just going to be honest with you it just has to be done in an appropriate place in an appropriate way and when you're in a business negotiation situation or dealing with something at work you can regulate yourself you can control yourself and how you act and what you say you cannot control the other side and what they do however you can have an influence on them by the way you use your tone of voice by the way you hold yourself and by the way you project yourself so if you are dealing with someone on the other side of the table who is assertive if you go with them assertive which pretty much is [ __ ] clash and you're not gonna be able to work it out okay the best way is to go to tactical empathy first you know figure out why they're acting like they are and most of the time it's just because they're being a jerk so you have that and you understand that so when you understand that it's going to help you center yourself a little bit more not react to that piggish behavior and instead label that behavior and try to divert it a little bit

Channel: NegotiationMastery

Views: 28,427

Keywords:

Id: 4wCuo6CqRdw

Length: 73min 45sec (4425 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 27 2022