ADHD Communication Made Easy with Former FBI Hostage Negotiator Chris Voss

every human being and clearly people with ADHD we're all wired to be negative I think of it as mental hygiene I need a consistent practice of positive mental hygiene same way we need a consistent practice of positive oral hygiene well I brushed my teeth yesterday that mean I got to do it again today well it does because our default biome mechanisms are working against us our default mental mechanisms were designed to be negative the negative human being is the caveman that survived a negative thing in a caveman's environment will kill you a positive thing in a caveman's environment doesn't need to be paying attention to because it's not going to stop your existence so we do overreact to negativity what does that mean you got to have a regular practice of gratitude of curiosity there's a bunch of things that you just got to do to override the system and you got to do it regularly because you get into a downward spiral otherwise welcome to successful with ADHD I'm brook schnitman let's get started hi everyone and welcome back to successful with ADHD today I am Starstruck with my husband's first love Chris Voss he is a former lead FBI negotiator and dynamic speaker who debunks the biggest myths of negotiation Chris engages all groups with captivating stories insights and extremely useful tips for business and everyday life Chris has lectured on negotiation at Business Schools across the country and has been seen pretty much everywhere including ABC CBS CNN Fox and has been featured in Forbes time Fast Company and Inc Chris's Keynotes are based on his book never split the difference very warm welcome Chris thank you for being un successful with ADHD yeah my pleasure Brooke thanks for having me on absolutely and I I make fun of so I have ADHD and so do my clients and so does my family so I make fun of myself in the fact that I highlight everything because everything I I sometimes have a hard time understanding what's important and what's not if you take a look at your book here and I opened it up is my husband's copy every single line is underlined and with notes on it that's how valuable your book is he just took endless notes we both have listened and read it like 20 times we've engaged in your black Swan course if you couldn't tell we're huge fans so again huge thanks so many people know you as an FBI negotiator but you really are an expert Communicator would you say that yeah I mean Communicator collaboration that's what I think negotiations about H yeah it's um and communication in terms of listening and really listening huh yeah yeah actually listening him um and it was an executive I was talking to I don't know some months back and he was saying now he and a a fellow CEO they do a lot of business with the two of them whether they're sitting there watching their people talk to each other they're watching negotiations break down that they should be making and and he said it's due to miscommunication and I said is it in miscommunication is it because people aren't speaking clearly or because people aren't listening and he says no it's people not listening so I think the real key is to be actually listening which takes some effort too it's not that easy you know it's not easy to listen it's not especially when you don't necessarily agree with what the other person saying right or we want to jump to the answer because we feel like we know what they're getting at but it's taking too long for them to get there right yeah exactly so what kind of strategies would you give someone especially with ADHD because we have executive dysfunction we Daydream when people are talking to us if we're not interested we usually Miss half of the conversation if not more we also have working memory issues so if there's too much being said it's hard for us to hold on to multisteps yeah I I think you know it's a supplemental stuff in communication like um there's a there's a ratio that I like a lot it's very unscientific called 73855 and a lot of people that communicate verbally for living really believe it's a good ratio and uh seven + 38 + 55 = 100 what it is is that the communication comes across 7% and the words 38% in the tone of voice and 55 in a body language now if you if all you're listening to is a words everybody has a bandwidth to absorb just the words all by themselves and I think that's why a lot of people their minds wander they multitask because you can keep track of the words easily the brain has in very unscientific term terms the ability to we speak at about 140 to 160 words a minute and the Brain can absorb 4 to 600 W per minute so that leaves all this excess bandwidth if you're only paying attention to the words but if you're looking at the whole alignment if you're listening as much to the tone of voice and then kind of doing math in your head does the tone match the words you know how do you add Focus or how do you take that excess capacity and make it work together you start doing a comparative in the conversation do the words and the tone and the body language match up and if they do awesome like we're on track but if they don't then you ask yourself all right something must be behind this now what do you do how do you catch somebody when you're lying you know everybody lies to some degree at some point in time catches somebody holding information back and not telling the truth is not the challenge the challenge is getting them to tell you the truth so when things don't add up how do you get the person to talk about it to bring it out and it's often something just as simple as a label like it seems like something just crossed your mind if you're consistently trying to label someone in a conversation that also brings your attention back down to them it helps you add tone of voice and words together and it helps you discover what's lurking beneath the surface uh that you're missing and it's not always implied by what they're saying so if if you look at communication kind of as this game that you could play and we love games with ADHD well and that's the thing like I was going to say my guess is not really being familiar with ADHD but I would imagine I would speculate I would hypothesize that the ADHD Community does love games because it's the opportunity there's a lot of information and you got to pick up on all of it and try to add it all together communication can be the same kind of a game how how you know what's the words what's the tone what's the look on their face what do I guess it means as opposed to what do I wish it means or what should it mean where should they be going if it becomes a guessing game then you have a tendency to be a little bit more absorbed by the communication and pay closer attention yeah I love the game ifying piece and that 55% is body language I always thought for whatever reason that body language was 80% and that so much can be said with body language well it might be depending upon the on the context um you know the 73855 ratio is not a hard number and what really is important is you know if body language is 80% there's still a 4:1 ratio to what's being set so you know the game is in the tone of voice and the body language and then I would contend that especially if you're in person I think there's an a everybody has an actual physical energy yes and I think some of that is communicated as well in person and the real dilemma with zoom is not that you're not seeing the person's whole body we're seeing as much as we would be seeing if we were sitting at a conference table what we're missing is the energy that would be in a room and I I think there's something I think there is we just haven't learned how to measure it yet but I think it's there yeah that's fascinating So speaking of Zoom I know a lot of us have zoom fatigue do you have any ideas or suggestions in someone whose job has totally converted to zoom or video conference uh to be able to sustain attention throughout the day with that one of the guys in my company Derek gun has got a desk a standing desk that actually lifts he spends a lot of time on a screen because we we train online a lot and Derek is our best coach and he coaches people through negotiations constantly all over the world I mean literally all over the world so he's on zoom and he's got this raising and lowering desk and he stands a lot know and sometimes when I get fatigued you know sitting is not that good you know what are they there's a cliche sitting is a new smoking wow I didn't hear that but I I get that yeah yeah I've I wish I would have coined that term personally but I I've got different elevating platforms to put my computer on and especially in the afternoon when the bar rhythms are down I'll Stand you know get get on your feet even if it's just a stand at your desk for a few minutes yeah I like that having this that's what I'm doing right now I'm on a standing desk and you're right if I sit all day my joints are so tight I feel like I'm 80 years old just I'm just completely like shrunk so yes I like them being being able to move whether you're neurodiverse or not right yeah exactly so one thing that you had mentioned that helps in understanding someone's what they're trying to say and really listening is by looking at body language hearing what they have to say that and I mean this respectfully so I'm I I want your wisdom in oh here we go respectfully all right all right respectfully uh oh do I have you on edge am I giving you a s sandwich for someone with ADHD they can take in lots of different stimuli right so that might not be hard for them to to look at all that but at the same time when they're really trying to look at the body language the the facial expressions the way someone's communicating their tone um it can distract them from what the person's actually saying and then they can totally miss everything that they're saying so do you have any recommendations in when you're missing what a person is saying to bring back attention to what they have said without offending them uh yeah one of our skills which we refer to is the mirror which is not the body language mirror the hostage negotiators mirror the black swans mirror is just a repetition of one to three-ish words could be repeating one word could be up to five it's it's never really more than five because then you're getting into paraphrasing but and the mirror skill when we teach it is repeating the last one to three words which if you're having trouble paying attention you got distracted you can probably pull up out of the dim recesses of your short-term memory the last three words that were just spoken umol now what that does is it brings the conversation back to whatever you've mirrored and it does so in a way with the person that's talking doesn't feel it's redundant The Mirror Has Kind of a Funny mechanism in the brain in that you won't repeat it the same way if I mirror you you'll say the same thing only with different words you change the words versus if you say something that I either missed uh or I want to know more about if I say what did you mean by that you know uh what did you mean by miror you're probably going to repeat it exactly the same way sort of like an American overseas where is the Eiffel Tower to a French person just just say it again only louder right right but the mirror triggers something in the speaker's brain that the person who mired them is saying like look I'm really interested um I'd like to know more about that point I heard the words you said and they weren't enough for me so I'd like you to go back and expand and all of that gets communicated by just repeating the last one to three-ish words or one to three words selected you can move it around it doesn't have to be the last words but the mirror in particular is great for going back and covering ground on stuff that you may have missed or your gut is telling you there's more there like ah there was something about that that bothers me you know it's might be the tip of the iceberg so you can mirror that particular portion and the speaker uh loves it people love to be mirrored now I know there is a one type of group that doesn't love the mirror right well let me see sometimes when people are are particularly guarded we believe that there's three types assertives analysts and accommodators now assertives love to talk so miror miroring them will keep them going all day like there's a there's a story in my book one of my employees told my son in advance you know when we get to when we get to work today I'm going to maror Chris that's all I'm going to do and we s this dude's name was Keenan and Keenan been mirroring me and I've been yammering and yammering and yammering for good 45 minutes at a time and finally my son Brandon goes like oh God I can't take it anymore he's been marrying you for the last 45 minutes and you didn't even know so the assertives love to be married now the analyst the highly analytical type deeply introspective occasionally you mirror them and they'll give you onew response now what that really is communicating if someone's response is is very limited is uh they're guarded now they're guarded because you haven't earned their trust they're guarded because they're concerned you're not listening they're guarded because something else is bothering them it's basically those three things so when you mirror them then you can you can shift over to a label simply if if I marry you and you give me one word answer I'll probably say seems like uh I haven't earned your trust yet and that one two combination is going to draw you out one way or another if it's true you're going to open up if it's not true you'll actually correct me and that's another form of opening up so if somebody doesn't like to be married then they're they're probably a little more desirous of being labeled to being drawn out and you just have to Simply demonstrate that you're going to listen and that you're not going to you're not going to be the h listener that catches him in a moment yeah I like that a lot my husband used that on me when we first met and I must have been guarded and he didn't earn my trust yet so I'm like well yes stop repeating back what I'm saying let's move on well when you first met huh you know we got to I gotta I got to check this guy out he's got to he's got a he's got to pass a few tests like what is he doing exactly you don't have my trust yet we both come with baggage give me some time right that's great I love that of course my my memory is like all over the place right now so I'm trying to remember what I was gonna say when you were talking that's all right I yammered on for an extensive period of time I know I love it I love it I was really listening so I can probably repeat back what you said but I don't have the next thing and you know what that actually brings up a good point when we try so hard to listen right you talk about the mirroring right but like with impulsivity with ADHD we don't want to lose our train of thought when someone else is talking they might have said something that Springs up another point to like defend their stance or whatever what is a recommendation when you're trying so hard not to lose your train of thought but you also want to listen well I you know if if there's something it's really necessary for me to get out and um it's it's not an AA got you sort of thing I'll I'll say look I'm sorry I gotta bring this up you know I I apologize I I I use apologies as warnings for behavior that might otherwise be disruptive or offensive you know there's kind of a sequence if you're gonna if you're going to risk offending someone it's it's a little bit like if you slap somebody in the face and then apologize or if you apologize to let them know a slap in the face is coming they're going to appreciate the warning we've had a lot of discussion about apology the wordss I'm sorry is it weakness you know and especially historically probably five maybe 10 years ago I don't know if it's as true as it used to be a lot of people were telling women don't ever apologize women apologize too much as if the words I'm sorry were in of themselves wrong like I apologize all the time just before I get ready to assert just before I get ready to interrupt you know and I may even apologize twice before I disagree I'm texting uh with some friends on a group group chat just yesterday and somebody wanted to do something uh that I have no desire to do at all and I started with an apology I said I'm sorry I'm afraid I'm just not good at that I don't want to do it and it it landed much more nicely so if if I got something I got to say um I'm going to I'm going to open it up look I'm sorry I'm afraid I got to say something right now because I'm gonna lose my train of thought and it'll be more acceptable yeah I like how you're giving people permission to do that because you're absolutely right there was such a negative connotation for saying sorry and with ADHD we're people Pleasers very often so we are apologizing for like our mere existence so using it in a way where it's helping you Comm communicate better and gain control of your thoughts I love that it's not a sign of weakness it's actually a sign of strength yeah and and a desire to collaborate and if you don't want to collaborate with me then okay maybe we shouldn't be talking to begin with right right right do you I feel like I know the answer to this already but if two parties know your communication tactics and have studied you AKA my husband and I do you feel like there there's ever a chance that you can have com effective communication with your communication strategies without feeling like it's manipulative yeah that's a great question and a lot of it comes up in a lot of context what these skills are are highly effective skills highly effective tools which makes them really neutral it's more what they're being used for like we use these skills in my company I mean it's 26 of us we use them on each other all the time constantly because we're trying to accelerate our collaboration and my favorite analogy is a scalpel in one person's hands it's a murder weapon in another person's hands it's a life-saving tool it's in the hands of the user and so yeah we we use the skills all the time now I have I can smell when somebody's using them against me and that happens not all the time time but not infrequently and if I you know um intention has a smell as as somebody once said to me you know if it's triggered my gut instinct that somehow I'm being manipulated I'll give you a little rope you know I'll test you a couple ways but if you're using the stuff against me then I just break off contact that's good thank you yeah also can you get into the science of the brain that you've learned and quoted from Daniel Conan for our listeners yeah well there's you know there's there's a lot of interesting brain science out there that that this uh works with and the conoman stuff really has to do much more with prospect theory I mean Conan's got some interesting stories about Instinct that I really like too but you know prospect theory economan Nobel Prize behavioral economics 2002 I believe and uh the cliffnotes version of it is lost things twice as much as an equivalent gain losing $5 feels like you lost 10 and there's a lot of versions around that people are more likely to make a decision to avoid a loss than they are to accomplish a game so it the impact of loss we call it I refer to it as bending reality distorts your vision of what just happened by double and it's one of the most powerful skills in communication which is why using uh loss the prospect of loss without empathy makes you seem like a bond villain like a really bad person and and it is highly influential so you got to use empathy you got to use appreciation you got to use a lot of emotional intelligence in order to wield this tool because it's so powerful quite a number of years ago I had to renegotiate contracts for people that I was hiring and who were also friends and for a short period of time I I needed them to take a 75% cut and pay o but that was the reality of the situation this this and they knew me to be an honest guy and a straight shooter which put me in a position to be able to deal with this kind of an issue if you know if I was constantly trying to get over on somebody I wouldn't I wouldn't have the reputation for integrity to be able to to breach his subject but I started out by saying like look I got a lousy proposition for you which is a version of I got bad news coming I'm sorry I'm afraid you ain't going to like what I have to say and then I said here's a reality of what I could pay over the next few months I wanted to offer this to you first before I took it to somebody else now this is triggering Conan's lost Theory now the money is Theirs to lose not to gain and the the reality of the situation which I had one of them say he said you know give me 24 hours to think about it he called me back and he said well you know $500 a day beats $0 a day I needed him to make a comparative of if he didn't accept what I could pay in that time frame then he wasn't going to get paid at all now if I have started out by saying like look this is all I can pay and you can take it or leave it but if you leave it you get nothing you know that's inflicting loss with no empathy with no emotional intelligence with no appreciation and the impact of that would have been that would have made me the biggest jerk in the world and probably would have destroyed our relationship because loss is that impactful so it's this really powerful tool that Danny Conan told us works on all human beings which is why I got the Nobel Prize for it because it's on all people it's not on Americans conmen happen to be Israeli it's not on Israelis you know it's not on English speakers you know it's it's on humans but losses twice as much is an equivalent gain and so that you got to be careful with this powerful weapon wow yeah that's huge now someone who's not in your position who's not an expert communicator and is trying to learn these tools would you recommend that if they're going into a difficult conversation like that they write down their script ahead of time just to make sure that they're bringing in tactical empathy yeah I think I think it's a great way to get yourself start and if you're writing it down to put a fine point on it handwriting is always better than typing of there's I haven't seen any hard science before but some of the things I've heard I believe to be true a friend of mine once said you retain 40% more if you handw write then versus if you type I my the theory is if you're typing you've got 10 fingers ideally if you can type with 10 fingers that are multitasking each finger is is engaged in a different task simultaneously which is bad for the brain but when you're handwriting you've got all five digits on one hand focused on one thing and I think that's one of the reasons why handwriting is more effective because it forces your brain to concentrate I've also found myself to I memorize things better when I handw write and simultaneously I have more creative ideas when I'm handwriting I agree I I heard that as well and I haven't seen the science either that your working memory improves when you're writing something down so you're more likely to retain it a principal told me that once yeah yeah and I I you know I thought it through and I'm like all right so I got all five digits working together it's drawing more of my brain into the same place to me I mean that's that's my reason why it works yeah something spurred uh thought when you were talking about our attention being all over the place when we're typing because we have 10 digits that are um in different Keys have you changed your approach in communication now compared to when you first started years ago because everyone's attention span has shortened yeah you know I think so I mean I've I've always tried to listen really well my biggest struggle is tone of voice as a natural born assertive if I don't watch it the assertive tone of voice is is the tone that's almost is pretty much always counterproductive and then also you know I also have told people that I have a resting serial killer face you know if I'm listening intently you know I'm I scare you because you know I'll I'll be listening so intently you'll think you know I'm imagining chopping you up and having your liver with fava beans in a nice keante or something like that so people have a hard time looking at you when you're listen listening intently oh they're they're scared like and I've actually had people say that a number of years ago I'm trying to decide uh uh I joined National Speakers Association a long time ago before the book came out and I attended a meeting in LA and uh the speaker she's phenomenal speaker just just absolutely phenomenal I learned so much from her and I and it was a small group there's you know there's probably only about 20 of us in a room not a big room and I came up to her afterwards when I got to know her she's like look you scared me I mean the way you were the way you were looking at me when I was talking I I I I I didn't know what you had in mine whether you want to kill me what you want to do like ah yeah I know I'm sorry I got a serial killer face oh that's funny that's funny my husband he has a very serious look on him as well so I I'm always thinking that he's mad or agitated about something he's like well yes stop it you're pissing me off I'm listening come on SW that's my Look of Love come on yes exactly don't you see I'm smiling inside no I have no idea your face never changes and then he looks ridiculous when he actually tries to change his face like it looks goofy like it's painful H exactly exactly so another question um if you don't mind accurate thinking I know is a strategy you teach an effective communication and with ADHD we very often have a hard time differentiating between story and fact because of our past negative experiences trauma rejection shame do you have any strategies to help in understanding fact from story with accurate thinking every human being and clearly people with ADHD have it the issue intensified so you know I'm not trying to make it sound like everybody has the same challenge they don't but the there's a certain amount of wiring we're all wired to be negative I think of it as mental hygiene I need a consistent practice of positive mental hygiene same way we need a consistent practice of positive oral hygiene which means you got to brush your teeth twice a day well I brushed my teeth yesterday does that mean I got to do it again today well it does because our default biome mechanisms are working against us and our default mental mechanism were designed to be negative the negative human being is the caveman that survived and I've heard a lot of discussions of it you know the negativity in particular a negative thing in a caveman's environment will kill you a positive thing in a cavem man's environment doesn't need to be paying attention to because it's not going to stop your existence so we do overreact to negativity what does that mean you got to have a regular practice of gratitude of curiosity there's a bunch of things that you just got to do to override the system and you got to do it regularly and it could be a whole variety of issues because you get into a downward spiral otherwise one thing is a gratitude exercise to start your day another thing that I found uh that I'm inconsistent at somebody pointed out an exercise to me the other day find three new things in my environment that I like every day three new likes every every day but there's got to be some sort of intentional override of the S system otherwise you will get into a downward spiral absolutely I heard somewhere that 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of our thoughts are repetitive so if you think of it that way and that's everyone and then you ADD ADHD to the mix and we are receiving 10,000 more negative messages in childood than a neurotypical so it's hard and I like what you said about like the negative caveman because it's true like you when you know I don't know if it's generational or what but in order to survive we had to constantly be on alert yeah when we had threats in front of us all the time yeah because yeah negative stuff will kill you I have another question going back to Tactical empathy so with emotional disregulation it's hard sometimes to understand what the other person is feeling or what we're feeling too how can you tap into that intentionally making it what I'm listening for versus of words like if I if I lay back and just kind of forget about what you're actually saying and focus on the emotions behind it then pretty soon I'll know what you're going to say before you say it now that sounds easy and it's a lot harder to execute but there have been points and time in my life back when I was volunteering on a crisis hotline in New York City and I just get it in my head just emotional label all the time and I've had people say wow you're reading my mind and my reaction would be like wow I was reading your emotions and you felt like I was reading your mind so you know what am I listening for as soon as I start getting into habit of listening exclusively for emotions you're going to feel very connected to me and I'm and I'm going to miss a lot less can you give like one or two things that you now can tune into when someone is talking to help them listen into emotions um you know there's some pretty educated what's the educated guess I'll make in advance I'll take a look at a look at your face and guess like all right so you look preoccupied if you're preoccupied there something you're worried about you're concerned people are rarely preoccupied with positivity they're usually preoccupied with negativity so I'll start saying like ah you know what's going on here I say you look concerned the type of emotion there's a bit of a timeline if you're concerned you're worried about something in the future if you're angry you heard about something that happened in the past the type of emotion is going to tell me on a timeline in your existence is it in front of you or is it behind you and then I'm going to start to get more more clues as to what's going on even poting it out to you understand the difference between anger and frustration those are two very different problem sets that you're struggling with frustration is about the future anger is about the past I'll begin to look for clues in your life timeline of the emotions that you're struggling with it's going to tell me where your attention is I like that because when you were on the phone at the crisis hotline you weren't seeing them so you had to understand the timeline of their history or just dial into the voice only I mean it it's a great exercise for just dialing into Voice period like there's so much information in the voice if you're confined I you know I I don't know there's sort of The Stereotype that when somebody goes blind that all their other senses become heightened and maybe it's just because they're caused to focus on their hearing because are sites taken away and if that's true at all I would analogize that to crisis hotline on the phone thank you I appreciate that and uh one of the last questions I have is when people disagree right we're talking over each other we just can't get to a resolution you say compromise is so and there's like valid reasons for you saying that because everyone loses in that so what do you recommend if people two sides just cannot agree on something people disagree the first and biggest and it's not the only chunk but the first and biggest obstacle in disagreement is whether or not somebody actually feels hurt and when you feel heard actually a number of different neurochemicals kicking gear which change the conversation you know that's why empathy seems like what good is it to do to let somebody know that they they're understood well if I can make you feel understood most likely you're going to get hit at the neurochemicals oxytocin and serotonin just by the feeling of being truly understood so what does oxytocin do oxytocin bonds you to me and oxytocin also inclines you to tell the truth it was a Nuance I picked up on Andrew huberman's podcast he was talking about relationships and and oxytocin I love Andrew huberman and he kicked that one out that if you get you're more honest when you get your own oxytocin I was like oh that explains a lot and then this the kicker of Serotonin serotonin is a feeling of satisfaction So you're satisfied you want less despite being feeling that you were heard so imagine the amount of disagreement that's going to go away if you bond to me you're more honest with me and you're more satisfied that's going to cause a lot if not all of the disagreement to go away and a lot of disagreements are simply over being heard so I will cut down a lot more of this or I may get Clues to the rest of it like I'm I'm listening to you know big consumer podcast in general uh Andrew huberman and leex fredman both I'm listening to fredman's interview of uh Muhammad El kurd a Palestinian poet I've been listening to it intensely over the last couple days because the current situation in Gaza and uh Lex asks these great questions in a very empath empathic non-judgmental you know I believe in a beauty of communication a beauty of all mankind and he's asking Muhammad Ur does he have hate in his heart and he asked him in such a nice way that Muhammad Ur says he does and then he kind of says why you hanging on to it how's it helping you he he says it far more eloquently than that anel kurd says that it helps him retain his dignity now I would never have guessed that in N billion years like from a from a distance it's a cliche that hate is taking a poison hoping somebody else dies it poisons you and not the other person and I've always been mystified to some people's determination to hold on to hate and when he said that I like oh my God yes of course and that's why some people have such a horrific time letting go of it and I thought well the next time I'm in in a conversation I'm going to have more an appreciation for the emotional driver over there because there a human being they're trying to hang on to the shreds of dignity which now opens up another Avenue of resolution and helps me appreciate even more the need to work to preserve the other side's dignity or to even recognize that in a conversation and nuances like that come from actually hearing somebody out so there's a really good chance in an intractable disagreement if you're really looking to hear somebody out they're going to be Clues to a whole new Avenue of re res resolution that would never had occurred to you if you didn't step through a couple of the initial doors that's fascinating yeah and Lex Friedman is Jewish too so you know to be so empathetic and wise with his words about the war in Gaza um it's powerful I saw him with Elon Musk too that's a powerful interview as well yeah yeah I'm a big big Lex big Lex Freeman fan I you know I love listening to his approach yeah just so calm his tone of voice is calming and he doesn't really give too much opinion it's more just thoughts what are your thoughts about this yeah yeah and good questions great questions agreed and this is a side note to ADHD but since you brought up Gaza do you think that the world can ever not have War I don't know that we're ever going to escape it entirely does that mean that I'm still not going to do as much as I could possibly do to uh deactivate as much of it as possible you know I I personally am willing to accept fighting that losing battle you know every everything that I can possibly do to impact uh to increase empathy the more we increase understanding empathy is not agreement and empathy is not sympathy empathy is not compassion although it's a compassionate thing to do so the more that we can add just simple understanding of one another and respect will'll diminish War as much as we possibly can whether or not we can ever escape it h you know probably not let me just diminish it as much as possible and this term I don't know if I'm quoting it correctly is it Whit slating where you just fall on the sword and essentially like apologize for everything that has taken place and try to move forward so the person listening uh well um it's probably close to what you're talking about we you know and we've got a strategy called the accusations audit which is me recognizing the accusations you either do might or will have against me not admitting them simply recognizing them and showing you that I'm not afraid of the negativity that you may think about me and yeah me and my team we teach that to to be very proactive with that and we find it to be a great way to clear the air and to clear people's thinking yeah we do that my husband is in sales and marketing and he taught me that strategy from you and at the end of a sales call to do the accusation audit if they have time that they need to think about it or you know whatever to just make sure that they feel comfortable saying no yeah and getting all that out we're not judging them yeah exactly it's just getting it out in the air it's kind of that simple what would you leave the listeners here with today one thing and I think I know what you're going to say because you brought it up a few times one suggestion that you have for effective communication for all look just hear people out make them feel that you heard them out if you if you let somebody know and confirm to them that they've been heard you're going to be astonished at how it will accelerate communication and collaboration and it's not saying I understand what you're saying it's feeding back what you what you believe that understanding to be articulating it that's the only way somebody's going to feel heard is if you check in and say here's what I think you're saying in any way the more effort you seem to derail a conversation by taking the time out to make somebody feel heard it's going to accelerate everything make people feel heard and life is going to be a lot more pleasant I love that and thank you so much for coming on to successful with ADHD if anyone wants help with communication negotiation where can they find you yeah well the the best kind of a two-step thing our website is Black Swan ltd.com b c KS w n ltd.com there are no crazy silent consonants in there you know and we put out a Weekly Newsletter which is complimentary it's free but and the most important thing about it is concise so go to the website click on the tab for the edge which gives you we believe a communication Edge you sign up you get an email to you on Tuesday morning and you'll get a concise actionable article every Tuesday morning that will take you no time to get through 700 words is and then plus uh The Edge is a gateway to everything we have we got a lot on the website a lot of free stuff and the edge is the way to get there so I would invite anyone that is interested in learning more to sign up for a newsletter I agree with that I get your newsletters they're amazing and after you realize how amazing they are go buy his book never split the difference when's your next one coming out H you know I don't know we're working we got a lot of other projects uh in a pipeline other than a book so we just keep training and put material out yeah I hear that well everything you put out there is gold so I very much appreciate your time time is money and time is valuable and thank you for listening and sharing your gold with our community here today pleasure was mind Brooke thank for thank you for having me on thanks for listening to this episode of successful with ADHD I hope it helps you on your journey and if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD feel free to reach out to us at coaching withth brook.com and all social media platforms at coaching with Brook and remember it's Brook with an E thanks again for listening see you next time

Channel: Coaching With Brooke

Views: 2,697

Keywords: ADHD, ADHD Coach, Coaching, Brooke Schnittman, Coaching With Brooke, Adult ADHD, ADHD Tools, ADHD Help, ADHD tips, anxiety, stress, emotional regulation, executive function, SuccessFULL with ADHD, ADHD podcast, Successful with ADHD, successful, attention, understanding, relationships, memory retention and focus, Mental hygiene, sorry

Id: 2ZRo5hmAqPg

Length: 46min 25sec (2785 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 10 2024