If You Can Do THIS, Your Conversations Will Change FOREVER | Chris Voss

upward inflection and downward inflection now you're going to need to do it opposite of what you think and I'll give you an example we're in a coaching call from a previous training a couple of months ago and someone is really pushing back against one of the things that we said will work now what you guys are going to find is we'll tell you it works and you're going to sit there and you're like okay okay and a little bit later when we asked you to do it you'll say I can't do that that's not going to work so when you do that it's my gut instinct to say to you so when I told you before that it worked you thought I was wrong now that's downward inflection and what's my tone of voice telling you that I'm thinking about you at that time that tone of voice is saying you're an idiot so instead I say it so when you told me when I told you before that it worked you thought I was wrong now that fell completely differently right and that's how your tone of voice can go from an accusation to in a way it's thought provoking in my tone of voice the second time will cause you to actually think about it and I got the reaction that I wanted from the the person we were coaching that kind of went they went oh no because I knew that my tone of voice was going to have their impact on their ability to process the information and that's a Mastery move when you want probably when you want to inflict down when you really want to it's probably you should you shouldn't flecked up because you're creating thoughts as Brandon says over and over again you're creating emotional moments in the other side most of those emotional moments that you're creating is you're trying to get people to think about stuff in a positive and constructive way you're trying to get them to rethink in a positive and constructive way you're trying to point out when you think they're wrong and especially when you think they're wrong that's when your tone is gonna kill you and you're going to want to switch it up and that's where the Mastery comes in and with practice you'll get it but without practice you won't get it and I don't know how many of you noticed but in the prep session with each one of the volunteers I'm really working hard at an encouraging tone of voice and I don't know if anybody was looking at my prep then but these three people are walking in in front of a room full of people expecting to get barbecued their brain is probably already shutting down and that is the last thing that collectively is an instructional team that we need and my team is relying on me to do as much as I can to get the three volunteers on point because they are getting ready to get punched right in the face so my tone in each one of those briefing sessions was very specific to be encouraging and upward inflecting and non-threatening because I need them thinking and working with me and it was all tonality we were showing you tone before we even got into the exercise but those are the two quick issues if you want to inflict down there's a pretty good chance you should reflect up just practice it a few times and you'll get it get your reps in as reminders be very aware of your tone the most well executed skill delivered with poor tone I don't know Sandy if you could if you if you were to put a percentage on it and I realize I'm I'm dropping you know dropping this on your head I didn't prepare you for it I'm I'm catching you off guard if you were going to put a percentage to it about how much a well-executed skill would be negatively affected by poor tone of voice if you were to just get a guess right and that's something I'm necessarily going to hold you to but I know you have a great feel for this stuff with the background that you have there's a crisis negotiator what would you say well to me tone is the most important thing so if your tone is wrong no matter what you're saying the person is going to take it the way they perceive it so you have you've lost complete control if your tone is bad so I would say it's up there really high really high 90 if not higher tone is extremely important yeah 90 wow that's that's a pretty big percentage so you only you're only 10 effective if the tone of voice doesn't come with it match is amazing it could be higher tone is important tone tone tone means everything tone is the first thing that someone notices about you so if your tone is um comes across as negative the rest of your interaction unless you can fix that tone right away is going to remain negative so just keep that in mind yeah that's a great point and negative covers at such a broad stroke of the brush right because negative could be you come off as arrogant or you come off as right and we I think we've all done this at certain times where we deliver things with the tone of voice that says I think that you're stupid or I think that you know your opinion holds on water and all of that comes across in our tone and what perceived intention might be from the other side something that always blew my mind I'm sure a lot of you have heard of Derek gaunt um and I may have mentioned this last time and this is just a reiteration but it really blows me away one of the things he told me early on was when he was in crisis negotiation and he had to choose to put some money on the phone and if his choices were somebody that was fully versed in the skills and understood all of the interest intricacies inside and out of all the skills very well versed but their tonal voice was really bad and then the other choice was somebody that doesn't really know the skills at all and still has a lot to learn however this person has a fantastic tone of voice like if he had to choose between those two people what would he choose and to my surprise he said he'd always choose the person with the tone of voice because if their tonal voice is extremely accurate and on point and executed well he knew that in a crisis negotiation scenario they would always come to resolution it might take a while but the chances of them coming to resolution were almost you know they're up there 94 close rate and then the person that had great skills but their tone was always off there's a really good chance things are going to go bad and I I always thought that was a really interesting perspective how can you be so good at the skills and then a skill expert doesn't want to use you just simply because of the tone of voice I always thought that was amazing so things to keep in mind we have a question that just came up in the chat it says how how do you evaluate your own tone that's a great question and so a few things a couple of them we will be reiterations from last time the first part is always assume that you have something to learn when you go into a negotiation a lot of us get off point because we assume we're going in because we got to educate the other side we got to lay out the data facts justifications we need them to understand so we have to explain it to them and Our intention is to go in to teach and inform and educate and it actually needs to be switched to we go in knowing that we have things to learn and that's why we're at the table and so that's the first part because that mindset leads to genuine curiosity if we stay in a mindset of genuinely curious it'll come across in our tone you can hear the question mark at the end and so that's one piece of it another piece of it is we all have our triggers in the moment we all know when we feel ourselves getting cranked up could be for any number of reasons when you feel that coming on that should be a trigger for yourself internally that you just need to go ahead and switch into the late night FM DJ voice when you feel that bubble and up inside of you just focus on slowing down your Cadence and that'll help you keep in control other techniques in dealing with the Cutthroat negotiator late night FM DJ voice conquer their tone of voice with yours the late night FM DJ voice is a deliberate Cadence reduction in your delivery it's downward inflecting there are people who say mirror neurons don't exist but it hasn't been borne out scientifically for me yet because I've seen the impact that one's voice can have on the counterpart the cut milk throat negotiator the assertive negotiator is domineering bullying in their delivery fastest way to mitigate that is check your own tone you guys have all seen or done the 60 seconds or she dies exercise you know for a fact because you've seen it whomever is playing the role of the the hostage taker in that event can dial people up or dial them back just by their tone of voice and we have seen it time and again going into the late night FM DJ voice the analyst voice reduces slows down the brain reduces the negatives and slows the brain down of the person on whom the voice is used the late night fmdj voice is simply slowing your Cadence down making exaggerated attempts at pronouncing every syllable in every word slows the other side down and what else Dynamic silence the Cutthroat negotiator likes to dominate the conversation the more you shut your mouth the more they're going to talk very effective very effective and getting them to provide you with the information that you're going to need to move the needle yeah hey Sandy thank you uh Chris and Shane Kayla for having us today um I am wondering if you can shed some light Sandy on as a woman in the workplace I found that a lot of times if there's a tough situation and your tone stays good but you're still dealing with in a in a tough manner that as a woman you can come across and really be labeled as being um instead of just tough where a guy with the same tone in the same situation would just be you know everybody would just say hey he did a great job you know he took Authority or whatever and I'm just wondering if you have any recommendations on um how to avoid that label and and um still come across well yeah that's a great question and I actually hear this quite often women say something that when it comes out of their mouths for whatever reason it seems more assertive but when a man says that it seems to be taken okay if you're controlling your tone which it sounds like um you're doing a good job of controlling the tone a lot of times it's the structure that you're using with the skill that you're using make sure you're using the right structure so if you're using um a label if you're trying to find out information instead of asking a direct question use that label with a nice tone it might get you a little bit further if you're having the overall problem say in a meeting or in a negotiation or in a tough conversation try using an accusations audit first and mitigate that negative you can say you're probably going to think what I'm saying is very assertive pause for a few seconds and then say what you're going to say because if you put out there they may think you're being assertive you're demonstrating that you understand that they have that thought process going on in their mind and when you do that you mitigate it you clear it from their mind so um they can't come back in a few minutes and say you're being too assertive or you're being because you pretty much told them up front you thought they were going to think that anyway so it mitigates that thought keeps them from using that against you later in the conversation so um a lot of women that I've spoken with have had this issue and when I suggested to use the accusations audit before they speak it actually gave them a little bit of a leg up and they found that people were not considering them quite as assertive because they were putting it out there first thank you that was really helpful I do have one other question if it's okay yeah go ahead um what is your biggest recommendation for helping with times when you have tone issues okay tone is something that you deal with from the day you're born I think I remember when I was younger my mom saying watch your tone of voice and and I would think I don't have a tone and when I look back on it now I'm I'm thinking to myself oh I so had a tone when I was that teenager I definitely had a tone so trying to get a hold of your tone of voice is something that takes a little bit of practice especially if you're trying to go into that late night FM DJ voice especially if you've listened to Chris do the voice on the master class because the tone of Chris's voice when he goes down to the late night fmdj voice that has a whisper equality to it and as a woman you want to avoid that whisper equality it sends the wrong message so instead what you need to concentrate on is kind of practicing with your diaphragm and especially when you're in a stressful situation because if you're if you sit up straight and you elongate your diaphragm and you tilt your chin up just a little bit your voice tends to get a little bit higher and I'm doing it right now as we talk if you can tell your voice gets a little bit higher so when you want to go down into that late night fmdj voice you want to shrink down into your stomach a little bit and lower your chin and your voice is naturally going to drop a few octaves and if you notice that's what I just did so to get into that late night fmdj voice drop your chin let your your body fall down relaxed and then slow down your rate of speech and that's the way you're actually going to get to the late night FM DJ voice that is an appropriate place for women to be with it now um if while you're doing this late night fmdj voice you get triggered a little bit you just have to remember to maybe tighten your core because if you tighten your core your abdominal muscles it'll keep you hunched forward just a little bit which will help you control that tone and keep it down in a lower octave here's another tip on emails do emails have tone remember the tone that it's going to be read in is not the tone that was in your head when you wrote it you write an email with this wonderful loving soft nice positive upbeat nurturing tone and it's not going to be read that way it's probably going to be red and at best a cold and distant tone and potentially at worst is a harsh tongue I once said an email where somebody asked me a question the answer was no and I wrote no because I heard in my head that I was going to say it soft and gentle like that will you send a one line one word email no when you mean no the other side's gonna hear no here's some more great advice on how to think about tone in an email I do emails have tone they can they gotta know we got some yeses and we got to always do yeah that's more we got a maybe over here right I think you're just trying to be funny it was emails always have a tone and they always take on the tone of the mood that the reader is in at the time which as a negotiator you have no control over the fact that they got up that morning their kid got in trouble they had to give the kid a spanking and then their wife yelled at them and then they got into an argument with their boss then they sat down at the computer and read your email and they're really in that moment getting no control over that and so when it comes to email it's not so much that these can't be used but we like to drop and we refer to as email softeners which simply put her just I'm sorrys and I'm afraid and then our emails have always got to be short you know the other thing and that's what that's why I said It's tricky because number one email's got to be short and sometimes your accusations audit there's 17 items you might not necessarily want to list all 17 in the email but you might want to use the email to drive them to the table so you can lay them out verbally and then the second thing as I mentioned earlier is the tone and the way you combat that is when I'm sorry I'm afraid no matter what mood you're in I'm sorry pretty much always reads is I'm sorry and so I'm sorry I have to lay this at your feet I'm afraid if this doesn't get solved it's going to cause this problem you probably think this is some sort of a money grab you know in an order like that but you definitely want to drop in your I'm sorry as I'm afraid I think it's um getting more who would I can't think of the author the Stuart Diamond yes Stuart Diamond Wharton Professor taught negotiation there for a long time he's got a great podcast on read on on sending emails and he says write them out and then read them back to yourself out loud in the worst possible voice you could imagine and he says don't be one of these people that's like I can hear the voice in my head I can just read the words no no no read it out loud because the process of hearing the words come out of your mouth and back into your ears is very important and then rewrite your email do emails have tone they can they gotta know we got some yeses that we gotta always do yeah that's more we've got a maybe over here right I think you were just trying to be funny emails emails always have a tone and they always take on the tone of the mood that the reader is in at the time which as a negotiator you have no control over the fact that they got up that morning the kid got in trouble they had to give the kid a spanking and then their wife yelled at them and then they got into an argument with their boss then they sat down at the computer and read your email and they're really pissed off in that moment getting no control over that and so when it comes to email it's not so much that these can't be used but we like to drop in what we refer to as email softeners which simply put her just I'm sorrys and I'm afraid and then our emails have always got to be short you know the other thing and that's what that's why you said It's tricky because number one email's got to be short and sometimes your accusations are that there's 17 items you might not necessarily want to list all 17 in the email but you might want to use the email to drive them to the table so you can lay them out verbally and then the second thing as I mentioned earlier is the tone and the way you combat that is when I'm sorry I'm afraid no matter what mood you're in I'm sorry pretty much always reads is I'm sorry and so I'm sorry I have to lay this at your feet I'm afraid if this doesn't get solved it's going to cause this problem you probably think this is some sort of a money grab you know in an order like that but you definitely want to drop in your I'm sorry as I'm afraid I think it's um getting more who would I can't think of the author the Stuart Diamond yes Stuart Diamond Wharton Professor taught negotiation there for a long time he's got a great podcast on read on on sending emails and he says write them out and then read them back to yourself out loud in the worst possible voice you could imagine and he says don't be one of these people that's like I can hear the voice in my head I can just read the words no no no read it out loud because the process of hearing the words come out of your mouth and back into your ears is very important and then rewrite your email and I want to talk about tone for a second how how should we pay attention to our tone and how important is it when we're communicating now the cool thing about all these skills is that as soon as you start paying attention to them for yourself you feel better and the other person feels better too I mean you know I've always implemented this tactically to calm the other side down make the other side feel better but it works for me too and even you know the infamous late night FM DJ voice good like when I use that it Smooths me out too I mean there have been a couple of times recently that you know I think I think a fair amount of people know that yeah my mother died just before Easter and I can remember getting very emotional in a time period also you know at her funeral and just to gain control of my own emotions I would intentionally move over into that downward inflecting calm and soothing voice and and I found that it helped me get a grasp on my own emotions to keep from going down the tubes in any particular negative fashion so as much as this does for the other people that you interact with and it does a lot for them uh it does more for you too so you know it's uh their benefit is almost The Fringe benefit it it helps you level out and it helps you keep on on a more even Keel hi Nicole how are you hi Chris oh I did I didn't have a question I was just back channeling with Ronan and um I'm a voice actor and uh I absolutely adore you Chris I think you have probably helped so so so many more people than you even know um and I love what you have to say about tones of voice and mirroring and the playful kind of accommodator voice and the analyst and the late night DJ that really works it worked earlier I heard you so that's that's just my two cents if you ever want to practice anything or just you know show people what that might sound like I'm here for you thank you very much thank you Chris you know the FM radio DJ voice excites this audience if you want to give it to them at any point I mean I'm not going to stop you well I would never want to blatantly do that oh my God how does it how does it work and when would you use it I can ask that question you know um all right how it works is uh it actually triggers a neurochemical response in your brain it has a calming influence on people's uh slowing down influence um you know they taught us that I learned it on first on a on the suicide hotline and then as a hostage negotiator the mechanisms specifically are still in dispute because so much of the brain exactly how the brain works like for example I used to say it was mirror neurons I was triggering your mirror neurons and it was causing an involuntary response sort of the way the doctor you know hits your knee with a little hammer and and there's a neurological response and you know I mentioned Andrew zuberman I love listening to Andrew's podcast and I'm listening to him the other day and he's going I got news for all you people out there there's no such thing as mirror neurons neurosciences yeah there's no mirror neurons but then he says but there is emotional resonance circuitry and we don't know exactly what it is but we know it works and I'm like all right so the effect is the same you just can't tell me what you know how it works but I I know that you know your emotional resonance circuitry I can I can make you feel calm I can make you feel my confidence calm is contagious also if I smile then I can trigger you to smile too and that's gonna have a different emotional effect on you and then if I could put the two of them together you know you can have some great conversations and uh have great interactions I'm I'm not threatening I'm on your side and it doesn't mean no it does it does it might do me good short term to threaten you but it never does me good long term so this is about long-term relationships if I've got hostages and I call you and I say listen I want a car I think I saw this one on your YouTube channel I want a car in 60 seconds outside right um would you what's the first thing you say to me you want to try yeah let's do it all right so I'm the you're the bad guy I'm the bad guy okay yeah Chris I'm gonna blow this woman's head off if you don't give me a car in the next 60 Seconds how am I supposed to do that not my problem you got 55 seconds all right so if I wanted to do it is just is madness out here it's chaos I mean this is Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus is organized compared to the nonsense that's going on out there so even if I wanted to do it I can't do it in that time frame I'm sure you're the FBI you're the police you can make anything happen 50 seconds sounds to me like you're not gonna give me a chance I'm giving you a chance right now 50 seconds Chris there's plenty of cars out there go get one of the cars and pull it up outside or I'm gonna blow her head off sounds like you have a reason to live I do have a reason to live that's none of your business no I'm I'm not trying to find out why I mean my first number one thing is to make sure that you live so get me a car and I will drive off honestly you've got 45 seconds I don't want to talk anymore if you're not gonna give me a chance how am I supposed to do it I'm giving you a chance 45 seconds that's plenty of a chance like to me even find get all the commanders together and get them to think about this which they're probably not going to do anyway I will go and talk to them but how am I supposed to find them all talk to them get them to think about it in 45 seconds okay how long do you need all right now first of all I want you to understand I don't think they're going to do it well then I'm gonna blow my head off that would be your choice see now so the other thing too is hostage negotiators are successful 93 of the time which is one of the things that I learned in the business which means seven percent of time they just ain't coming up now I we have to do everything we can possibly do in the meantime but our number one goal is not putting any additional people at risk like I get this question all the time like if you think it's going to save a hostage why don't you just give him a car and save those hostages well I can't put additional people at risk and by the way while we were doing that hmm I don't know anybody put a clock on us but we went more in 45 seconds it's true and what were you thinking when as we were going through it um there was all the questions were provoking me into all the questions you asked me felt like they were dragging me away from my objective in a quite a tactical way so I was thinking oh it's not this is annoying he's making me talk and I don't want to talk that's kind of what I was thinking and then yeah I mean the questions you asked were making me Ponder and they were making me abandon my focus which was to just get this car and kill this woman right she which was I wasn't asking you that stuff to get you to answer what I was really doing was doing exactly what you talked about get you to ponder get you to think you know what kahnemann would has talked about in his book Thinking Fast and Slow pondering he would call slow thinking in-depth thinking where you really think about stuff and then you really make the decision and you really make up your mind instead of me trying to hustle you like I could hustle you into something really quick but it wouldn't be your decision and the whole point of getting somebody to ponder something is so that when they do come to a decision they own it when you said the thing about even if I wanted to do that like I couldn't do that in 45 seconds or whatever that I liked that sentence because it obviously there was a degree of empathy there so even if I wanted to it wasn't you know on My Parade it wasn't attacking me too much and you made me Ponder the reality of the fact that it's not even possible my demand is not even possible even if you you know were on my side so that was a very good question to to make me Ponder myself to realize that what I'm asking for is not going to happen seeing as there's another reason why I said it like that too um because you know a lot of people if you ask for something in a business deal that they're not going to give you they give you a classic American lie I'll try um you know and and maybe it's not an American lie maybe it's a lie in the English language like me you know in any kind of deal somebody looks at you and says I'll try [Music] you don't get a good feeling no and you get all try enough times you know right away it ain't never happening yeah yeah so I didn't do all try you know I basically said I don't think it's gonna happen but I'll check because I'm trying to shift us out of an adversarial into a collaborative conversation and so then what I'm basically saying is like I don't want to mislead you I don't think this is going to happen I will be your advocate how important is that collaboration no relationship survives long term without collaboration just just ain't gonna happen so you're giving me the impression that you're actually on my side to some degree and that we're collaborating to find an outcome together yeah an important fact see the crazy thing is hostage negotiators have repeat customers if I get you out alive the chances of um you straightening out your life are not great and the chances of you ending up in another hostage Siege your high if you don't get killed otherwise and you got to have a memory of the last hostage negotiator trying to work with you versus the guy hustled you and lied to you guy or gal so if you always look at all interactions as if you're going to have to pay for everything you said eventually which means if you lie you're going to pay for it if you did every thing you could to be collaborative then your counterpart's going to remember that in the future like well I didn't go my way but at least you got in line of me it's a comma you know it's karma a thousand percent is karma I'm a big believer in karma very much I had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast as the seasons have begun to change so has my diet and um right now I'm just going to be completely honest with you I'm starting to think a lot about slimming down a little bit because over the last couple of probably the last four or five months my diet has been pretty bad um and it started to show a little bit really over the last two months I go to the gym about 80 of the time so I track it with 10 of my friends in a WhatsApp group in this tracker online that we all use together we call it Fitness blockchain and I'm currently at 81 um so 81 of the days I've done a workout in the last 150 days right so I'm going to the gym about six times a week that's been a little bit impacted by The Diary of a CEO live tour but I'm trying to stick to it and so one of the things I'm doing now to reduce my calorie intake and trying to get back to being nutritionally complete and all I eat is I'm having the fuel protein shake thank you heal for making a product that I actually like The Salted Caramel is my favorite I've got the banana one here which is the one my girlfriend likes but but for me salted caramel is the one how important is it generally in negotiations to listen because a lot of people you know kind of think they can overpower someone with right just talking at them right yeah and and what they're what they're called is um they can't hold a job yeah you know you you and there are a lot of people that are very visible that are doing that and in the moment they might look very good but what ends up happening is they're frequently initially extremely successful and then their success rates drop off a cliff and then they don't hold the job because they were awesome in their first quarter and had a continuing steady decline in their productivity until it went to zero and they they can't be tolerated anymore but everybody sees a really loud guy or gal getting deals or and and they're the ones that make the most noise about it so the original question is how is important is listening there is no negotiation methodology that doesn't list listening as an advanced skill no matter what school of thought somebody's in in negotiation they all list listening is advanced far more difficult than simply keeping quiet it's critical and you will actually end up increasing the velocity of your deal Cycles by listening which a lot of people think it's really counterintuitive but you know I did I did an interview with Mark Cuban six or seven months ago and I talked about listening and he's like yeah you know if I take the time to to really hear somebody out in our first deal and pay attention to what's important with them then every deal after that will come to me faster having done it right up front and it'll increase the velocity of my ability to make deals with them because they'll trust me they'll know that I hear them out they know that I'm looking out for them and consequently you know it doesn't take me a long time to establish trust and we come back we come to the table we get right down to it and it really increases the velocity of my ability to make deals and a lot of people can't see that because I gotta here man I gotta you know blah blah blah I gotta find out what their point of view is it seems highly efficient but what it is is incredibly efficient long term hmm and then as it relates to speaking when you're talking when you were talking to me then in our little dummy negotiation um I noticed the tone of voice you took was very very calm you list in the book three different voices available to negotiators right give me a flavor of those three voices that are available to negotiators well there's there's three natural types um and humans five fly to make friends and these are the uh our caveman ancestors that lived either fought the Sabretooth tiger ran from the Sabretooth tiger or fade out a way to make friends with it and the indecisive caveman got eaten by the saber-toothed tiger doesn't have any descendants and we've got substantive reason to believe that that exists globally regardless of gender ethnicity um religion the three types the globe splitting pretty evenly into thirds got a lot of that on it backs it up our brothers and sisters at Harvard pretty much agree based on their experience Warden has pulled a lot of the same data comes very very close to the same and each type has a voice you know and the voice of the assertive Natural Born assertive which I'm actually a natural born has heard of is more than Donald Trump style negotiator you're attacking blunt Direct you know uh of Ivanka Trump once described her her dad Donald and said you know he's not blunt he's just Direct well he's just an example but you know what I think is direct you feel like you got hit in the face with a brick which is always counterproductive long term always always always long-term counterproductive inhibits your ability to make deals people get tired of getting hit in the face with a brick so it wears them out then there's the very analytical type um which was you know that soothing calming voice that I was using triggers a neurochemical response and you it actually calms you down neurochemically it's a involuntary automatic response now you can fight it you can fight your way back out of it but you can't stop me from getting the calming neurochemicals started in your head and you know with if if you're careful not to seem either cold or condescending that tone of voice is what the great TV interviewers use the great news anchors because there's a lot of there's confidence and calm simultaneously and people really like it and then there's you know there's a smiling voice a friendly voice and somebody Just Smiles when they speak that triggers a different neurochemical reaction the people that you automatically like right away as soon as soon as you lay eyes on them as soon as they start speaking you know there's an advantage to that so I was using in an emotional situation and if you're in an emotional negotiation you know you want to go with the the soothing voice and smile sprinkle that in and now you kind of you get the combination of both of them and it's it's collaboration you're going to want to collaborate with me if I use that voice I guess it's an attempt and as you say to like pacify pacify them the other thing that I in chapter three of your book you talk about is by the way you got a pretty good voice you got you gotta you got you you're basically downward inflecting um your voice portrays first of all it's very genuine but it portrays a guy who's actually really thinking about what he says and he actually listens oh that's where he can compliment thank you but she's still gonna die in chapter three you talk about um I would love for you to speak about the um late night DJ and how to de-escalate escalate um conflict yeah yeah sure they you know that that the late night FM DJ voice I mean it just it has an impact I mean it just it works um you know we didn't hostage negotiation when the other side was already out of control and we thought it just worked with hostages or hostage takers and then I remember well I was still at the FBI we had a hypnotherapist in the room and all this is of course before neuroscience and and he walks up to me after I spent a lot of time talking about the voice and he said that's the first voice that they taught us in hypnotherapy training so I'm like all right cool I'm on the wrong I'm on the right track I know exactly why it works I don't actually care why it works I just know it does and then we apply it across the board with people we're interacting with when somebody's upset it's the first move to go to I'm going to want to smile after I've slowed their brain down and calmed them down without making them feel threatened or backed into a corner or condescended to you know it's set a little two millimeter switches and a voice and but then I'm going to want to smile because I'm going to want to pick them back up you know you're uh Sean Acker Harvard psychologist The Happiness Advantage Ted Talk my source of data he says you're 31 smarter in a positive frame of mind I want you to be smarter I want you to collaborate with me so I'm gonna I'm gonna go from the late night FM DJ voice to uh you know it's a smiling uh engaged voice you know the voice of actual genuine positive regard because I genuinely have regard for you and then one of the things that I talked about earlier um but I love saying again you know this stuff does me good too and recently when I was going through you know dealing with my mother's passing I spoke at her funeral um I told jokes at her funeral you know my favorite joke which was true you know what's the difference between my mom and a terrorist you can negotiate with a terrorist I mean my mother was a tough no-nonsense meant what she said kind of woman who inspired me in so many different ways and then when I was speaking at her at her funeral I mean I I started to get choked up and I I switched into the late night FM DJ voice just to get my own emotions under control so you know this stuff does more for you than it does for the other person it does a lot for the other person so there's a lot of reasons to use the voices of great collaboration in your negotiations good for both people yeah because that's so helpful um it seems like it's a lot about the nervous system like causing the nervous system yes yeah yeah leveling it out I mean deactivating the amygdala you know the the the portions of the amygdala which is 75 percent of that little almond-sized organ in the center of your brain 75 percent of that baby is dedicated to negative thoughts so as much of it as you can deactivate and smooth out and pull out of the equation then um more nuanced more intelligent thinking gets kicked into gear thank you yeah how you doing Matthew I'm doing good Troy this is uh this is really exciting I'm uh glad to be here so hey a question is can you give an example of the late night DJ Voice have y'all been listening to Chris Chris Falls it's funny I I used to be a DJ actually and you want to lower your voice you want to slow down your Cadence you want to be more Direct in the way you talk when you're using the late night DJ voice that's normally about 20 of your conversation that's when you want to get you want to use that voice especially when you're going to ask put out an ask or if you're going to deliver bad news you want the person's undivided attention so you slow down your Cadence you get your point across and you'll get the person's undivided attention when you're doing it there's a couple things there that you got to be careful about that I noticed when you executed that you're really careful about what what are some what are some of those things some of the things that you have to be careful about is that's a good question good question Chris you want to share them with us because you you're the expert at that part of it I I between you and Derek your voices are so twenty percent of the time that I I can't get over how y'all run the gamut with that for me it's you know I try to make sure that it's that it's soft you know there's a couple of Fine Lines there you know I know we like to say your inner voice betrays your outer voice you don't want to sound angry you don't want to send condescending sound condescending you know there's just a couple things that when I'm when I'm doing the late night FM DJ voice like my intention what I want them to feel is calm and if I'm trying to project comment to it that's personally what works for me that's a good point really good point and that that DJ voice actually does that for a lot of people it calms them down we were actually on a a training with a group that had that had been Black Swan trained and they decided to start their own little training session and they asked if I would sit in on it and that was one of the first things that happened the the people in the group were so excited about using the skills that they asked me a question about uh labels and mirrors and at the time you I didn't even realize that I was using the late night DJ voice but I calmed down I slowed down and one of the people actually said you don't realize how much calmer you made us feel just by saying things the way you said it we've been doing these skills long enough that and we practiced them all the time that it starts to become second nature it's our way of thinking and our way of doing business now so sometimes I forget that I'm actually using that skill yeah Matt Matthew thanks for the question man that was a good thanks Matthew in this video Derek's going to talk about labeling and mirroring but the video is also about the infamous late night FM DJ voice and inflection now the key to this is the fact that Derek is a natural at the late night FM DJ voice so as you listen to this take in Derek's tone of voice and feel how it is people find him reassuring the common theme with labels and mirrors is what what do you think the common theme is get more information that's what we're trying to do we're trying to get more information but the common theme is I'm taking what you give me I'm repackaging it and I'm giving it right back to you by labeling and mirroring am I convincing him to move in a certain direction with my words or with his own that in effect removes you as a threat in the conversation because as long as you remain a threat no meaningful dialogue is ever going to take place when people push back against your ask when they offer resistance when they tell you no when they issue a threat or a demand accompanying a threat what they're telling you is I'm afraid of something or I don't trust you labels and mirrors removes you as a threat the mirrors are so powerful because you don't even have to think you get stuck you don't know where to go in the negotiation all you got to do is do what she did and remember something about the conversation and repeat it back to them repackaging exactly what they give you giving it back to them removes you as a threat and that from that point on more meaningful dialogue can take place he mentioned something about the inflection the inflection upwards or downwards so when I say she doesn't listen to me anymore and it makes me angry how would you mirror that she doesn't listen to me anymore and it makes me angry how would you how would you mirror that last one to five words right now take it easy let's not get too fancy with this we'll give you time I heard it over here makes you angry now inflect upwards from that makes you angry what is he asking me yeah expand upon that now inflect downward makes you angry what is he telling me with that I hear you I get it I'm picking up what you're laying down both of them show that I'm listening both of them showing that I'm attending the inflections encourages them to go on without saying saying please go on and then the downward inflection shows that I'm paying attention and Marcella I know that you mentioned the late night fmbj voice um can you go a little bit in depth as to why it's critical for Real Estate negotiators to set the tone and use the late night at the DJ voice absolutely so we can impact someone's emotions just by using our tone a voice and when you lower your diaphragm slow your Cadence you're bringing your audience into listen to what you're saying and it calms them down so if we're talking like this look you just need to get this done can you just sign here we have five minutes you're you're you're stressing them out and fear is the number one it's an it's a negotiation and Derek you might um correct me on this I might say it this wrong but fear is the number one driving factor in human decision making you're you're applying fear to your clients but if you slow them down and give them time to think and give them the information necessary you're going to relax them and you're going to allow them to reduce the the emotions in their head and think clearly so they can make decisions now as a woman I would be careful though because you don't want to we don't want to sound whispery and so you you have to we also don't want to sound um like we're sending the wrong message we are guiding and we are helping and we're putting them in a frame of mind to help themselves and to empower them um during a difficult transaction and I want you guys I want you guys to pay go back and listen to this recording when we're done and pay attention to how Marcelo responded to Shay's question you want to know with the late night fmbj void sounds like you want to know what it sounds like specifically coming from a woman her response to Shea's question was all in the late night FM DJ voice so it may have gotten by most of you um but when you go back and listen to the recording listen to Shay's question and then listen to how Marcelo responded if you want to know how that voice is supposed to hit the ear sorry Marcel oh no I appreciate it thank you and Lori Grenier actually from Shark Tank is phenomenal at this so if you're if you're watching TV at night and you happen to hear Laurie Grenier um take a little just take some time and really listen to her because she does a phenomenal job at it but thank you Derek delivering syntax that they're they're basically the same thing talking about tone in terms of a ratio that'll help you appreciate this more just remember 738.55 my Arabian started talking about this ratio back in the 60s early 70s in use at UCLA he didn't mean this to be the be-all end-all for importance of the components of a message he's just used that as a framework to outline that how you say something is five times more important than what you're actually saying and so delivery and syntax being so closely related you're talking about communication they add up to 93 93 percent of the importance of a message is contained in how it's delivered and so keep that in mind your tone of voice how Are you delivering the message we're going to talk about what tones of voices you should be in during um a conversation where you're trying to influence someone else we have three different negotiator personality types within the Black Swan method assertives analysts and accommodators each of those has a specific voice that they like to use for the assertive it's very aggressive it's almost bully like in the way that they deliver their message that is a voice you should never be in if you're in a conversation where you're trying to influence other people you should be in the accommodators voice which is friendly approachable amenable during most of the conversation when you get to that portion of the conversation where you want to State your goal and objective draw your Line in the Sand make your ask then you'll switch to the late night fmd DJ voice the late night FM DJ voice is The Voice that you use to deliberately slow the other person down and you exaggerate the pronunciation on every single word when you're trying to drive home your point what about what about email does email have a tone does the actual black letters on a white screen the question that I have posted on this particular slide does it have a tone if I'm sending you an email if you just got chewed out by your boss and you open my email that is the emotion that you're going to apply to the email tone is so important to other people that they imagine it black letters on a white screen in and of themselves don't have a tone but you better believe that the recipient of your email is going to assign a tone to it if you and I have a one-on-one relationship and and I am your your negotiation coach I'm going to encourage you to to stop trying to negotiate via email you lose way too much data when you're trying to go back and forth and the other reason it doesn't make sense it's why would you why would you it's it's equivalent to laying out your next seven anticipated moves if you were playing chess over email and you put in your email your next anticipated seven anticipated moves and you expect the other side to sit there and take it no they're not going to further they're going to pick out when you write one of those voluminous emails they're going to pick out the one or two things in that email that they hate and that's all they're going to fixate on you may have 10 brilliant points Point number 11 is the one that you're going to fixate on and that's all that's going to drive their response so going forward your email should be used to drive them to a voice to voice conversation for the reasons that I just laid out you just lose too much and I'm continually amazed that people are so reluctant to to engage the other side voice to voice that they want to do everything by text everything by email at the end of the day the email and the text should be used to drive them to a phone call or or to a zoom call and Sandy what what what do you have to offer to our our ladies in the audience today as far as executing late night FM DJ what should they be aware of be aware that you're not trying to have that sultry sexy voice for women when you try to use that late night fmbj voice that can come across as overly sultry so you want to make sure that you practice this a little bit it's easier for the guys because it's just I hate to say that but it's easier for the guys because they don't have to worry about that so much but for women when you try to get that late night fmdj voice it can come down low and sultry so you want to practice just having a calm Cadence it's not about having the low Alto voice so much as it is just talking slow and enunciate enunciating each one of your words very clearly if you want an example um watch Shark Tank and listen to Lori Grenier she's the best at it for females for that late night FM DJ voice now that's perfect that that's exactly right the late night FM DJ and as you heard it in Sandy's voice because she just played a little bit for us is much more about Cadence I will start with the assertive's voice I am a natural born assertive it's fight flight make friends he's sort of is the fighter flight is the analyst that will be the second voice that is closer to what many of you have heard of referred to as the late night fmdj and it will have an impact on her brain and then it'll move to the make friends voice The accommodators Voice a friendly smiling voice the proposition the hypothesis that we put in front of you guys is that the Neuroscience rules are always rules it has the same type of impact on every single person the degree of impact varies but the type of impact is always the same so I would ask you to listen for the three voices and see what kind of an impact it has the first voice will make them combative the second voice will slow their brain down and the third voice will pick their brain right back up I'm a bank robber bad guy trapped in a bank you're a hostage negotiator you don't know how many bad guy bank robbers there are you don't know how many hostages we have all you know is that it's your job to talk me out you and your law enforcement colleagues have the banks around it you have four things you cannot agree to four things you cannot do you can't give me any weapons you can't give me any transportation you can't give me any drugs or alcohol and you can't do a hostage exchange of any kind people are not allowed to come in at all people only come out you know in the movies Eddie Murphy says if I come in and let some people go you're not going to do that right got it we will simulate being over the phone uh and then then we'll start questions does that make sense okay as far as I can take as much drugs and alcohol as I want you're gonna have to pass the test later probably but um no I think I think that makes sense all right well if you're ready to get crushed but you're ready to rock yeah okay say ring ring okay ring ring I need a car in 60 seconds or she dies I'm sorry I won't be able to do that for you you want me to kill her right now I'll kill her right now I got a lot of hostages I can throw one out every minute you got 55 seconds how many hostages do you have in the bank enough to go all day 55 seconds and what's your name again I have no intention of telling you that are you an idiot you've got 50 seconds where how are you going to do it you're just going to throw her out the door I'm gonna put the gun to her head I'm going to walk her to the front door I'm gonna the trigger so everybody sees that she's about to lose her life and then I'm gonna blow her brains all over the street is that specific enough for you you got 50 seconds you know we've got the whole Bank surrounded so if you get too close oh that's news to me close to the door we might we might be able to pull off a shot I think you might want to be 40 seconds what'd you do this morning you have 40 seconds left and this hostage's life so how'd you get into the bank this morning how do you think just walked right in and just raise the gun and told everybody to go to the back or go to the front where'd you put everybody just make sure that they're secure something like that hmm who else is in the bank with you or did you come in alone 35 seconds I'm glad your watch is working anybody else in there how did you pick this person to be the number one or just just a random choice because they're all equal to you random choice yeah what do you think about uh what do you think about the bank right now is everyone I think I got 30 seconds before there's one less person in this Bank at least why'd you pick this bank it was in a way 30 seconds it's a very small Bank 27 seconds we got going on what else so what else is going on in well in 25 seconds what else is going on is either I'm leaving or a hostage is dead do you think you're leaving uh sorry one way or another I'm leaving you get 20 seconds yeah how might you go about leaving what what part of I need a car do you not understand but how are you going to get to the car you've got 20 seconds and we'll walk out the front door you're gonna get out of the way I'm going to leave are you gonna step over the dead body to get to the car yeah it sounds to me like there's gonna be at least one because you got 15 seconds left and this hostage is live then we might stack them up seems like you're gonna have a pile of bodies it doesn't seem that way does it and then the car is not going to be able to go anywhere yeah I think so how do you think you're going to make it over the pile of bodies without getting shot before you get into the car we will stop there thank you for volunteering Eric same question man what would you do different hindsight's 2020 what were you trying to accomplish that she didn't get to so I thought leaning out of it there was the whole introduction part it was the first thing that popped into my head after it was over I was like oh didn't do that didn't didn't say like in the book was like you know hi it's Brandon you're talking to me now yeah yeah yeah yeah and so that whole that whole exchange of setting it which which was the punch in the face maybe that I just completely forgot about doing that yeah um so I wish I had done that I think I think part of it was those initial those initial kind of big it seems like mirroring you know mirroring some stuff and doing those questions of seems like you have a plan here tell me more about how you how you plan on this implementation process uh that's interesting and that actually answers some of our questions that have come in the room today and he said seems like you have a plan here and then what was your follow-up to that what's what do you think this implementation process is going to be yeah what yeah what does this look like right it seems like you got a plan here how does this thing play out that's really interesting okay well good I like your assessment of yourself so out the gate I need a car in 60 seconds you apologized and he said I'm sorry we're not going to be able to do that I love that for several reasons one because right out the gate you wanted to let this guy know like you can trust me anything that I say you can take it to the bank and cash it in I'm gonna be honest with you and then also that little part of I'm sorry it's a great way to drop in a little a little you know a little dusting of empathy right before you drop a bomb on them and so I kind of like that one two kind of like I'm sorry We're not gonna be able to do that at the very least he might not be happy but he knows he can probably trust what you have to say and so you're sitting that premise early on and then your very next question is how many hostages do you have and I mean so you tried to address the uh the demand a little Bend any right went jumped right in the information gathering starting with what we talked about in the hallway this is what you don't know you weren't wasting any time getting into it he didn't give you much I got to admit I was a little disappointed on his response to that because I was like that's a good question man come on give the guy a reward but still good question and then you followed that with what's your name again do you remember that moment like what were you thinking what were you trying to do you know I'm sorry we can't do that how many hostages do you have what's your name again where were you where are you going with that you remember not particularly uh okay I think I think part of it was was I was trying to trying to get him to to give me some piece of information about himself okay um which which I think was leading into you know what'd you do this morning how'd you get in this morning that kind of stuff all right yeah well that was the intent but I think good yeah exactly the intent was really good right that right asking of it just gave them the opportunity to say no I'm not telling you my name yeah well you see you already know how you would change it and that's that's exactly what I would suggest if that's where you were trying to go with that trying to drop in this like I think you might have told me your name but I don't remember if you told me your name so what's your name again right you know like I definitely would have changed that and you would have said either one of those two things I think that's that's a good alternative let's see where'd you go from here um how are you going to do it are you just going to take a couple people out I didn't get all the words down but again implementation Focus there how's this going to look how are you going to do it when you come out how many people are going to be coming out with you and then you dropped in I really like this question except for the fact that it's probably a yes question but you asked them are you in danger I thought that that was really good I mean I really I really did because it's like you uh you're you're trying to create an element of trust and if like there are things that you're afraid of that are really going to cause harm to you I'm someone you can talk to about those things and so I probably would have changed this so that the answer would have been some sort of a no but again the intent was really on point um how did you get into the bank this morning really good question uh who else is in the bank with you did you come along right so there's personalization there's information gathering right little Wordsmith in there but I like again the intent and also this whole like who are the people who's inside something these guys found out in crisis negotiation if they could get the hostage taker to use the name of the hostage or hostages the chances of them hurting that person drop by like 800 percent and that was kind of where you were going like all right well he's I can't be personalized here he thinks I'm an maybe I can personalize the hostages and so I like that I like that that kind of last Stitch effort uh got to the end you know why'd you pick this Bank what else is going on how are we going to get to the car I mean you really just you tried to Pepper them with as many calibrated questions as you could think of and I think there's probably a little wordsmithing you do here and there but again intention was good and you almost never gonna go wrong using using the skill and so your total time you went for for two minutes and 52 seconds so nice job there

Channel: NegotiationMastery

Views: 32,664

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Id: D4sDxm73ljY

Length: 74min 9sec (4449 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 03 2022