How to tell if you are in a Toxic Relationship | 7 Signs of Relationship Toxicity

welcome to my scientifically informed insider look at mental health topics if you find this video to be interesting or helpful please like it and subscribe to my channel hello this is dr. grande today's question asks if I can go over some signs of a toxic relationship so I'm going to make this video seven signs of a toxic relationship so the first thought that comes up here right away is what is the difference between toxic and bad and how do these overlap with narcissism so really what is the toxic relationship in relation to a term like a bad relationship or a relationship that involves narcissism I would say it's similar to bad but worse than just an ordinary level of bad it has a downward trajectory it robs people of enthusiasm hope optimism specifically in the context of a relationship and it's emotionally damaging and draining so that's how it relates to bad but in terms of narcissism I would say that most toxic relationships involve one or both people in the relationship we're talking about romantic relationships here that have narcissism so narcissism is very common it's a feature we see with a number of toxic relationships as I go through these different signs you'll see signs in here that align closely with narcissism now sometimes we hear this term toxic person and this is pretty interesting a person can be toxic alone so the person by themself can be toxic they can be toxic in a relationship and alone so they're toxic everywhere and sometimes the person is only toxic in the context of relationship so what I mean by this is sometimes the relationship characteristics can activate toxicity so this whole construct of a toxic relationship is complex toxicity exists kind of everywhere so I'm going to cover seven signs of a toxic relationship but really this is more like seven categories here because I have examples under each major sign so there's some overlap between these categories but I tried to separate them as good as I could so I'm kind of looking at these examples that go through this list from the point of view of a partner who is not involved in perpetuating the toxic relationship so essentially kind of looking at a toxic relationship like a perpetrator and a victim so this is really from the victims point of view now of course in real life a lot of times of toxic relationships each person contributes to that relationship to some degree also in this list I excluded any type of physical violence and infidelity because I think those features are somewhat obvious those are connected very strongly to toxic relationships and one last point before we get into the list if you believe you're in a toxic relationship seeking counseling is a good move because only a licensed and qualified clinician can really help somebody to deal with a toxic relationship especially if it's severe so sign or category number one is arguments and of course arguments are a key part of toxic relationships but it's really certain characteristics of the arguments that we tend to see for example if a couple has a lot of arguments and there's no resolution that's not a good sign if arguments are terminated by one person physically leaving especially if that person is not in distress so really as a type of manipulation and that's another sign I'll get to later but as a type of manipulation they physically leave the argument so the argument can't continue toward a resolution if the argument persists for days weeks and sometimes I've heard of arguments even going on for months that's not a good sign if yelling and screaming take place when somebody's losing an argument like if they're losing an argument based on logic and they just start yelling at their partner that's not a good sign another component of this argument sign is what I call the dark cloud it's associated with vulnerable narcissism so this would be bringing up the past and an argument and giving again the victim I'm looking at this as perpetrator victim giving the victim this idea that they can never be free from what they've done wrong so it's a relationship with out forgiveness also threatening to leave or get a divorce unless an argument is settled in one's favor is part of this argument sign and it points toward a toxic relationship the second sign has to do with negative feelings and again specific negative feelings we tend to see with toxic relationships so if someone has the feeling that their partner prefers that they were dead or otherwise going so the victim feels like their partner believes that it'd be better if the victim were dead that's a bad sign and this is actually a fairly common sign I see around negative feelings and toxic relationships so an individual just has the sense from all their interactions with their partner but their partner doesn't want them around anymore another indication would be dreading sex or finding that sex lacks an emotional component this is tied in with both narcissism and psychopathy not feeling safe to share feelings because you believe those feelings will be used against you in an argument later on or maybe sometimes not so later on so it's really this sense that you're always on the stand like in a trial so it's a legalistic environment we have to be careful about everything that you say kind of tied in with this would be the idea of walking on eggshells that's part of it and the last item here under negative feelings is actually kind of a physical feeling it's when somebody feels physically sick when their partner talks to them or comes home similarly they feel relief like physical relief when their partner leaves or goes to work or something like that so there's like a physical sensation component we can see with toxic relationships as well the third sign involves unfounded accusations we see accusations that you are ruining your partner's life accusations of infidelity without convincing evidence to support them and accusing you of using your partner for sex money household chores or status so all those accusations point toward a toxic relationship number four is unhelpful personality and temperament characteristics so what we see in terms of again looking at like a victim perpetrator the purpose would have a short fuse often angry they'll be snarky frustrated have a lack of tenderness depth empathy kindness and compassion so again a lack of all those things and be resentful impulsive and antagonistic so these characteristics have quite a bit of overlap with both psychopathy and narcissism number five is an unhelpful communication style and this involves kind of a lot of different characteristics and examples so if you're making an attempt to end emotional abuse like your partner is badgering you and you're told that you're not letting your partner express their feelings so they're kind of defend they're emotionally abusive behavior by saying they're just trying to express their feelings that's not a good sign and if we look at just badgering which of course as I mentioned is emotional abuse continuing to badger someone after they exhibit an expression like crying or something like that that's a bad sign so in relationships when somebody's being aggressive a lot of times what we see is the other person becomes submissive they give off signs that they're ready for the fight to end and when someone doesn't recognize signs that somebody's trying to end a fight that's a really bad indicator in terms of a toxic relationship another feature around this communication piece is refusing to accept process or recognize criticism so if you point out a criticism immediately they criticize you so you never really get to talk about the issue because in a sense you have to stay defensive or at least it seems like you have to stay defensive this kind of distraction technique this redirection technique is actually a type of manipulation that we see a lot with narcissism it's really a form of gaslighting the next feature of communication is when no real communication takes place and this is really probably more bad than actually toxic but it can maintain a toxic environment so I kind of included it here so it's like if you're sitting in the same room with your partner and they're on their smartphone or maybe both people or on their smartphones and like playing a game or checking email and not really communicating by situations where normally people would be in contact and there not and the last feature here under communication is when somebody never apologizes apologizing is a key to a healthy relationship if you always find yourself apologizing and you feel like you're apologizing even when you don't feel like you did something wrong that's also a bad sign around communication sign number six is excessive fantasy so this is kind of similar to I talked about before like if a partner wishes their partner would disappear but this is more like the fantasy right so like making calculations calculating what like the alimony will be like or the child support would be like or other costs would be like if you moved out so if you wish your partner were gone and you're kind of going through those mental calculations to escape that's not a good sign we also see fantasizing about a life with another partner like another romantic partner especially if this is done repeatedly and fantasizing about striking a rich again with the same kind of object which would be to use that money to get a divorce or otherwise escape your partner the last sign here number seven is manipulation and this is outside of what I've already included under the argument sign so we see all different types of manipulation on this Coast a few here that I think are particularly present in toxic relationships so the first is spending money to hurt a partner so if one partner works and the other partner doesn't work and the partner doesn't work like runs up the credit-card debt to get back at the person who does that's a form of manipulation the silent treatment is a form of manipulation we see if your partner tells you that others agree with them that you were bad like all their friends think you're awful or your partner tells their friends that you're awful that's not a good sign telling you that you would never survive without them you're not good enough you're not self-reliant you're not strong enough kind of putting you down making you feel like you really need them performing like a dependency that's indicative of a toxic relationship and one of the I think strongest indicators under this category anyway is when somebody tries to cut you off from support isolation so they might say you're dramatic or weak if you go to seek counseling for example or go to seek anyone that can help you specifically in the realm of counseling I see a number examples from this area if your partner is trying to keep you away from a counselor just in general I think that's a bad sign and if you are seeing a counselor they try to minimize the counselors ability and minimize the counselors advice to you so really just kind of putting the counselor down not necessarily to the counselor but to you right to try to cut you off from support nobody in a healthy relationship should fear somebody seeking mental health treatment or advice on relationships or anything that a counselor would provide that's a bad indication of a toxic relationship so those are the seven signs of a toxic relationship the next question I usually get after this would be can a toxic relationship be saved and sometimes I get the question should it be saved well I think one of the kind of quick pieces of advice we see all over the internet including YouTube is leaving leaving is the easy answer right so why bother trying to fix a toxic relationship when you can just leave but for most people leaving is not an option and a lot of times it's not a good option even if it's an available option it's not always the best move in terms of meeting goals whether the goal is happiness or peace or whatever most of the time I think the toxic relationships actually can be saved but it takes a lot of work and just like we see with personality disorders even when toxic relationships heal they keep characteristics of the toxic relationship usually for the lifespan the relationship right so if somebody has borderline personality disorder or a narcissistic personality sort or some other personality sorter and they receive treatment and they improve they're still going to have some of those characteristics even if they don't technically meet the diagnostic criteria anymore and again that's how I kind of feel about the toxic component of toxic relationships it stays around some of those components stay around even though the relationship has largely healed so I'm actually more or less optimistic about toxic relationships especially when each person in the relationship wants a positive change if only one person wants a positive change I'm less optimistic and if neither want change I'm not really sure what can happen their counseling isn't usually going to do much for people that aren't motivated somewhat to change but either way I think seeking counseling is always a good idea and trying to be aware of the bad habits and adding in good habits to replace them I think it's a smart move so realizing when you're engaging in a bad habit or your partner is and trying to be active take an action right there that can lead to a positive result grand gestures are usually not successful like if your partner tries to make up for bad acts by doing something really impressive like buying an expensive piece of jewelry or something like that those type of gestures are often really quite shallow it's the little things that we change in our daily routine that actually make the difference it's what becomes a habit that actually leads people out of toxicity when it comes to relationships now I know whenever I talk about topics like toxic relationships there'll be a variety of opinions people who agree with me and disagree with me and who have other thoughts please put those opinions in the comments section they always generate a really interesting dialogue as always I hope you found this discussion of signs of a toxic relationship to be interesting thanks for watching

Channel: Dr. Todd Grande

Views: 321,600

Keywords: toxic relationship, bad relationship, narcissism, psychopathy, destructive, emotionally damaging, signs of a toxic relationship, relationship toxicity, examples of a toxic relationship, Arguments, Negative feelings, False accusations, personality characteristics, temperament, Nonproductive communication style, Excessive fantasy, Manipulation, badgering, criticism, isolation

Id: GpV9HPY7tSQ

Length: 14min 34sec (874 seconds)

Published: Thu May 30 2019