- Welcome back to "Reddit Stories." I'm Shayne. Today I am joined by Tommy, and from the "Two Hot Takes
Podcast," Morgan Absher is here. - Hello. - Man. I've been wanting this happen for a while. This is really cool. - I'm so excited. - Yeah. You are more familiar with
Reddit than anyone here. - No. - I think you- - You're halfway to 100, right? - We are past 50 episodes. But I mean, you've had to have gone through
thousands of posts by now. - Yeah, quite a few. - Yeah. And you source all
of the stories on your show. - Yeah, I mean, you came on, you saw it's kind of a one girl circus. - Really impressive. - Yeah. It's chaos. - Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm reading
these for the first time. I luckily don't have to
scroll through all of Reddit. Our production team over there, they're skeletons right
now after going through. They're like (groans) (Shayne laughs) But I went on your show. It was a great time. - Yeah. - So thank you for joining us here. - I'm so excited. - Yeah. Kind of a loose theme of
just goofy and wacky today. (Tommy chuckles) Some silly stuff. - That came out of me. I don't think I chose to do that - Just happened. - Yeah. - All right. Let's get into this. - Do it. - I like it.
- All right. First one up, this comes
from Relationship Advice. This is from 2018, so this is
a little bit of an older one. - Vintage. - "Found out husband is
the one stealing shallots "from neighborhood gardens." - Okay. - All right. Already kind of a fan. - Yeah. - Here we go. "This has been going on for several years. "I live in a small rural
neighborhood with an HOA "where the houses are spread apart, "but neighbors are expected
to keep their houses "and yards nice. "As with most HOAs, "some members can get
a little carried away "with the seriousness of it all. "There'll be passive aggressive
emails about escape dogs, "shirtless runners,
unsightly fencing, et cetera. "It really annoys my husband. "I just laugh at it. "Well, a few years ago,
the neighbors got together "and made a community
garden in the center lot. "There were a lot of emails
sent about this, a lot of drama. "I don't remember all of it,
but people would get upset "if someone took up too much
space with their plants, "planted something unsightly, et cetera. "So then we start getting
emails complaining "that someone was picking
all the shallots/onions "out of the garden. "Some people thought it
could be deer eating them. "There were several theories. "The next year, the same thing happened, "and then people were also complaining "that the onion/shallots
were going missing "from their personal gardens. "This year, it started happening again, "and people flipped out. "All caps emails, demands to
interrogate teenage residents, "requests to put security
cameras in the communal garden. "Two houses were hit, "and then people started
staking out in their gardens "and putting up game cameras. "It started out being funny "because I'm not involved with gardening, "so it was just amusing
to read all the emails. "But this year people
are getting really upset "and wanting to get law
enforcement involved. "So anyway, you already know what happens. "I walk down the bottom of our property "that I don't visit often, "and I find a lot of
smashed onions and shallots, "like absolutely smashed to bits. "It clearly took a lot of work. "I went inside and told
my husband jokingly, "'I think we're being
framed for the onion heist.' "He got this really
weird look on his face, "and I had the realization "and asked him if he didn't
have anything to do with this. "He confessed to me that he did "and had been stealing
the onions and shallots "to spite the neighbors. "He was sneaking out at night to do this. "I asked him why, and he said
he just hates them so much." (everyone laughs) - Oh my god. - I love that. - "I don't even know. "This makes me really uncomfortable. "The man is 31 and sneaking
out at night to steal onions, "and I didn't even notice. "Why wouldn't he just tell me? "Like, this has been
going on for three years. "It's not like he just
did it once as a prank. "I don't know what to do. "Can anyone help me think this through? "Maybe I'm overreacting,
but I'm pretty upset." Okay, that took a turn, and
I'm really upset about this too 'cause I was expecting her to be like, "Yeah, these onions have been missing, "and meanwhile my husband's steaks "that he makes are just incredible." - Yeah. - Just like the stews
he's been making, ah. - The house always smells so good. (Shayne laughs) - [Shayne] Yeah. - Fragrance. - What the (beep) - No, I'm mad. I hate when people are
just petty and wasteful. Like, you're stealing food
from people just outta spite for three years? - That's crazy. - That's wild. - That's insane. - It's a lot of work. - Yeah. - So much work. - He's like Batman except evil. - Yeah. There's more psychologically crazy ways to spite your neighbors
that doesn't waste food. - Yeah. For sure. - I'm like... - Especially an HOA. I mean- - Oh yeah. - HOAs have far too
much power, I will say. Like, they're a little unhinged. But I mean, there's other
ways he could have done it versus like stealing food from people that they're putting
hard work into gardening. Like, I had a garden with my grandma. That is not easy. - No. I love gardening and I
love onions and shallots. No, this hurts. - Which one do you like more? - It depends on what you're making. It really depends. If you're cooking a steak, a shallot is really great with that, and shallots are good for some things, but it depends on the onions too. - Yeah. - Are these red onions, these
yellow onions, white onions? They're all used for different purposes. - You sound like a little chef over there. - Aw. A little chef. - I've been hanging out with Trevor. - Yes, chef. - I just love that she asks
like, "Why are you doing this?" And he's just like,
"I'm filled with hate." - I'm filled with hate,
and I'm an angry man. - We need to get this guy a hobby. - Dude, seriously. Teach him how to cook. - He needs a hobby. But what do you do, like,
besides chain him up at night? (Shayne laughs) - Like a werewolf. - What do you do? Like, I mean, you get to that point where it's like this isn't divorce worthy. This isn't like- - Right. - It's not that serious. But it's like, okay, like, honey, like
they got game cams now. Like, they're gonna get you eventually. - Get him an onion costume. - Ooh. - He can be like the onion man, and now he's gonna deliver
onions to everybody. This is how we make it up. - He has to pay them all back. - Retribution. - Yeah. - I could get behind that. - Deliver onions. - [Morgan] That seems fair. - Honey, I found an onion
under my pillow again. - Oh hoo hoo! - I hate this. The neighborhood could have found him if they all got together and everyone was like all sitting around and then they put an onion in the middle. - See who smashes it. - And then the husband's just like (yells) Just like goes out there with a mallet. This is hilarious. Some comments here. "Here's what you do. "You cover that evidence up ASAP. "You're his wife and sorry, "but you know where the onions are buried "and you need to make sure
there's no evidence left. "Hurry, if they are that pissed, "they will eventually find out. "After that, you need to talk to him "about how people now have cameras "and I bet you there's at least one person "who hasn't told anyone
they put theirs up. "He can get caught now. "He needs to put his bad boy ways aside "and cool it for a bit." - His bad boy ways. - But a photo of him on a
game cam stealing onions is so funny. - Hilarious. - That's so funny. Like a Sasquatch literally just like... Great.
- Oh my god. I think he could have a
career as a PI though. Like, these are valuable skills that he's attuned at this point. Three years and not
getting caught, you know? - He needs to level up to
stealing diamonds at this stage. I mean, you know, if
you're gonna steal things, do it well, right? - Yeah. - Someone else said, "Stress can be a really dangerous thing. "Some people drink, some
are abusive under stress. "Your husband is harmlessly facetious "and kept you consistently
entertained for three years "without you knowing. "I'd consider you blessed." That has 4,000 up votes. - Oh my god. - So a lot of people see it that way too. - Wow. - Yeah, I wonder what happened. There's no update on this, but he does have to stop
or he is gonna get caught. - Yeah. You could probably get sued. - Oh. - I feel like you can sue
for anything these days. - I don't know anything- - [Morgan] Anything. - I don't know anything
about community gardens. I don't know the laws regarding them. - [Morgan] Yeah. - But at the very least, he will be shunned by this neighborhood. - Yeah. - If it is a community garden,
couldn't he take the onions 'cause he's part of the community? - My understanding of
community gardens though is that it's a community
space, but you plant your own. - Oh. - Yeah. - That makes sense. - I wouldn't take someone else, like someone else grows an
onion, I'm not gonna take it. - But he went to private gardens too. - Right. No, I know that part of the crime. - He got too greedy. - Yeah. He got too greedy. - Too much. - I just can't believe
he smashed the onions. - That's the disappointing part. - That's the part that I'm like, you know, it went to waste for three years. - Donate to a food shelf or something. - So many ways he could have done this. - There's so many better ways. - Bloomin' onion. - Ah. - [Morgan] Oh. - Come on.
- Come on. - I know. Anyways, moving on. - [Tommy] Hell yeah. - This comes from r/Confession. This is from last year. "I made fake throw up
to stay home from school "when I was 11." - That's awesome. - "This isn't some big juicy confession. "Just something I did that's funny to me "because I just remembered
it and have told no one. "When I was 11, I was going
to this private school "and hated it, got
bullied and all that shit. "Anyway, I literally would cry to my mom "saying I didn't want to go,
and she let me stay home a lot, "but finally she said I
couldn't stay home anymore. "So one night I decided to fake sick "because she wouldn't just
let me not go for no reason. "Apparently faking that
I got sick in the toilet "and flushed it wasn't believable enough. "So I had the idea to make my own. "It was about 11:00 PM. "Mom and Dad were dead asleep. "I went to the kitchen and
remembered getting milk, salsa, "different kinds of chips, juice, "and maybe some cheese or something. "Anyway, I crushed up the
chips, mixed it all up in a bowl "and put it in the microwave
for like one minute. "I proceeded to my bedroom and
poured it all on the carpet. "It didn't smell as bad
as actual throw up would, "but I had to hurry, so I put
on my fake sick face and voice "and went to my Mom's room. "Told her, made her come to my
room to see the masterpiece, "and she just looked
at it with no reaction. "She was genuinely unfazed. "She wasn't comforting me
like she usually would. "She also has a very weak
stomach and didn't gag at all. "Just had no emotion. "She said, 'Okay, clean
this up and go back to bed.' "And walked back to her room. "I was low-key disappointed "because that's really how
you're gonna act to my hard work? "LMAO. "Anyway, next morning she
woke me up for school, "and I laid in bed until
she came back again "and said something like, "'Do you remember I got sick last night? "'I still don't feel good.' "And she literally just
said, 'Yeah, just stay home.' "Nothing else. "No 'hope you feel better.' "No 'let me take your temperature.' "No 'you're going to
the doctor' like usual. "Thinking back on it, "she 100% knew it was fake
and it's low-key embarrassing. "Maybe she saw the effort and was like, "'Okay, she really doesn't want to go.' "To this day, I have no
idea what possessed me "to make fake throw up. "Really unnecessary. "Anyway, that's all. "Sorry if it was lame. "I just never told anyone." - It's been eating them alive. (Shayne laughs) For years. - Oh God. Just, guys, I have to tell you. - I have to get this out. - Yeah, I feel like a
parent would probably have seen so much throw up by
that point that they're like, "That's not, I know what this looks like." - You can tell what throw up is versus some wet chips on the ground. - Yeah. I like to think there's still a wrapper. (everyone laughs) It's like, "Okay, did you eat that?" - Salsa chunks. - Ah, Mom, I threw up
and it smells so good. (everyone laughs) - Go grab another chip. Just dip. - Yeah. - Yeah. Damn. Did you guys ever pull any shit like this to try to get outta school? - I was notorious for not going to school. I in eighth grade actually
missed 241 class periods. - That's awesome. - My dad called the secretary and got to a point where he was like, "I'm just gonna call you "when she's actually coming to school." - Oh. - It was pretty bad. - Oh. - But I made it. - Yeah. But we made it. - I made it. You know, I ended up doing okay. But yeah, I hated school. - Oh wow. You just didn't wanna go? - I didn't wanna go. I then got bullied really
bad, so like I get it. It's not enjoyable, but then it's like, well, what do you do when
you have a kid in this? It's kind of, you switch
schools or, you know? It's tough. - It's kind of an ordeal to
like figure out what to do with your kid if the
school isn't right for them or something. - Yeah. - I definitely tried to pull some stuff. I never went that far. Also, screw him for doing it on a carpet. If I was the mom, I'd be
like, "On the carpet, Billy?" Or whoever it was. - Yeah. Do it in a sink - Do it in a sink. - The toilet. - Do it in the toilet and
just be like, "Mom, look." - Yeah. - Literally. - You didn't believe me before. Look. - Don't have to microwave the
chips if the toilet's wet. - What was up with the microwave? - I don't know. I think he wanted to like get it together. - Some comments here. "Yeah, she knew you faked it, "but she also realized how
badly you hated school, "so she let you stay home." - Right. - "Don't be embarrassed. "No one should have to
put up with bullying." Someone else said, "Yeah, she knew she hadn't
fed you all those things "in the past six hours. "Real vomit would've looked
like whatever you had "for dinner." Lastly, someone said, "You're the Picasso of
fake vomit artistry. "If only Mom had given it the
standing ovation it deserved." OP said, "I know. Literally ignored it." - She was at her wit's end. - I know. She's like, "Stay home."
- She was just over this. Like, "Oh my god, again?" - I never faked sick, but... I wasn't someone who loved
school or hated school. It was kind of an in-between, but I got out of it by
becoming a child actor. - Oh, that's what I should have done. - Guys, you should get on "iCarly." - Yeah.
- Oh - And then you never have
to go to school ever again. - Mom, I don't wanna go to school. I'm on "iCarly." - Oh, I can't go to school today. I'm an actor. Meanwhile I'm in college
online and convincing myself. - I messed up. - We messed up.
- We messed up. We should have been, yeah. - We all ended up here. (Tommy laughs) - That's true. That's true. - We all ended up in the same place. I don't know what to tell you. We all ended up reading Reddit here. - Oh my god. - Okay, moving on. Okay, hold on. - [Morgan] I'm scared. - Our producers have written into this. For our audience, don't
be eating right now. - Oh no. - Okay. Just a fair warning. "Today I (beep) up by using
the bathroom after a hot girl." (Morgan sighs) - Yeah, I know where this is going. - Yeah. - "So today I was eating lunch "at this bombass Mexican
restaurant in my area." - Oh no. - "I absolutely love their food. "And they serve their chips
with the enchilada sauce "on top with melted cheese. "Good lawd." (everyone laughs) - Okay. - "Good lawd. "Anyways, I get up to use the bathroom, "which is only a one
person unisex bathroom "with a wooden door. "I'm standing behind waiting for my turn, "and up behind me walks a hot girl. "Being a gentleman, I naturally
let her cut in front of me. "At no point in time was I hitting on her "or was I expecting anything in return, "simply trying to be a gentleman. "However, I will note that
she was pretty attractive. "The person walks out,
and then she goes in. "A few moments later,
she quietly walks out, "smiles at me as if she's
thanking me, and then I go in. "Good godfather almighty,
makers of heaven and earth, "I completely fell to the ground. "The smell was absolutely horrific "and could best be described
as soggy salt water sand "mixed with rancid meat." - Oh. - "I immediately started to gag "and breathe through my mouth. "This only made it worse "because I started to taste the smell, "which only made me more sick. "Then I look in the toilet
to see the crime scene. "She didn't even flush the toilet." - That's gross. - No. - "It was like accidentally clicking "on the worst not safe for work picture "in a sleazy underground unmoderated forum "or clicking open the mysterious
AVI file you downloaded "from Limewire back in the 2000s. "I kid you not that by this
time I was having trouble "keeping my eyes open
as I flushed the toilet. "My mouth began to water
as I gagged and dry heaved. "I'm over two years sober
and haven't felt that feeling "since I quit drinking alcohol. "I threw my hand over my mouth "as my delicious food started to come out "and expanded my cheeks
like two balloons." (everyone laughs) "I emptied the contents
into the toilet, flush, "unlike Miss Manner School
Dropout, and bolt out the door. "I go up to the restaurant staff "and pull an Ace Ventura
shouting, 'Do not go in there.'" (everyone laughs) "Of course, then I think "that they're going to think it was me, "so I tell them that I swear it wasn't me, "followed by demanding "that someone empty a bottle of Febreeze "or air freshener in the bathroom. "Ms. Chernobyl Butt
was gone by this point. "I also learned today "that something small,
innocent looking, and pretty "is capable of making the worst smell "ever created in mankind. "Typing this, "I still have remnants of the
lingering smell in my nose, "and when I got home, I
threw all of my clothes "in the washer and took a hot shower." (Morgan laughs) Yeah, damn. - Wow.
- Wow. Author. - [Shayne] Wow. - Wow. - Yeah, he really, really- - Really painted the picture. - Expanded on that. - Yeah. - I have no gaps visually, mentally, like- - Oh, it's, we're full. - Wow. - We know everything. - Wow. Too much. Too much. - Yeah, you never can
underestimate anyone in this world. - No, and there's hot girl IBS, like- - Yeah.
- Yeah. - You should have known. You should have known. Don't let a hot girl
cut in line before you. But, you know, I'll give her
a pass for the stomach issues, but the not flushing... - Yeah, that's always mind blowing to me. - Yeah. - It must've been such an
insane experience for her that she like blacked out and came to- - Oh, she was like tripping, - [Shayne] Stumbled out.
- Sweating. - She didn't even realize
what had just happened. - Yeah. - But she did smile. - She did smile. - Which like- - Shyly. She was just like, "Yeah." - I don't have that much trust in toilets, even if it's automatic. I do not trust them. I'm not gonna embarrass myself, especially a single bathroom. - [Shayne] No. Yeah. - Come on, just courtesy look. - It's just reflex by this point. - Yeah. - And even though it's reflex, I flush. I make sure it's- - [Tommy] Yeah, you gotta check. - But then I still have the thing, it's like a garage door where
you leave and you're like, "I did do that." - Did I, right? - I did. - Oh, especially in my own home. I'm like, "Is there anything
mellowing in there or did I?" I'm like, "Sure, use the bathroom." And I'm like- - Wait. - Oh no. Also, this guy, he's like, "Wow, now I learned that hot girls shit." It's like, yeah, we're a
bunch of bags and straws. It doesn't matter what
your outside looks like, you're gonna shit. It's gonna be shit. - Okay, this is just me if
I was in this situation. I don't let people, if I'm
in line for the bathroom, I'm not letting someone hop in front of me unless they come up and they're like, "Please, please, for the love of God," and I'm not in that same situation. But if someone just walks
up, I'm not gonna be like, "Oh, you go in front of me." - No.
- Right. - I think I wouldn't trust
someone if they said that. If I walk up and they're like,
"Oh, you hop in front of me." I'd be like, "Why?"
- What's in there? - Why? - What's in there? - What do you know that I don't know? - No, you go first. - Something's wrong. - There's like a Jack-in-the-box like spring ready to get you. Like, what's happening in there? - A couple comments. "If she had flushed it
might have been worse. "FYI, the staff assumes you did it." Someone replied, "I read his story and I
still think he did it." (Morgan laughs) Someone else said, "OP just mad his crush
asserted dominance." - Hell yeah. - Lastly, someone said, "Plot twist, it was the
dude before her, LOL." That is a theory. If she was just going in
there not to use the bathroom, just to like, I don't know, anything else, then, but I don't know. - I feel like she would've warned him. - Oh yeah. - Like a courtesy warn. Like, "Hey-" - If it wasn't, yeah, - I just went in here and
maybe you should go next door. Like, it's really bad. 'Cause I clogged a toilet
on a trip recently. - This is so brave of you to share. - I know. I know. I was in London. It was Notting Hill. There's no public bathrooms. You know, you have the second
coffee and you start sweating. Everyone's been there. And I go into this restaurant- - Everyone's been to Notting Hill. - No. Like- (everyone laughs) The poop sweats. - I know, I know, I know. - And so I like, I run in and
I'm like, "Can I get a table?" Like, "Yeah, it's gonna be a bit." "Okay, where's the bathroom?" Run downstairs. Single stalls. Men's, women's. Okay. So I go to the bathroom. I not only run outta toilet
paper, or so I think, there's some behind me. But yeah, it's clogged. 10 flushes and it's not going anywhere. And there's girls knocking on the door. I have to finally open the door, and I go, "I'm so sorry girls, like
this toilet's not flushing. "I'm just trying to
like make sure it's good "before you get in here." And, you know, I do get it, mostly good. But it was an old wonky toilet, and there was only so
much I can do, and I ran. I did not get anything in that restaurant. I ran out. I was like, "These girls can't see me." I was checking the back
of my coat for poop on it. Like, it was horrendous. It was the worst experience
I've had with the bathroom in quite some time. - You still did your civic
duty of trying though. - I tried. - You know, that's what's important. It's like a doctor tries
to save a life, you know? You're a doctor. - I am a doctor actually. - Yeah. - No, like actually, (everyone laughs) - Actually. - You're actually a doctor? - Yeah, I have a doctorate
in occupational therapy. - And not in Reddit? - No. - It's crazy. - We should create that though. We could partner on a course. - Yeah. - Oh wait! Oh my god, I'm in class right now. - With my bachelor's degree,
I can really help out. - Can I be your first student? - Yeah. (Tommy squeals) - Okay. - All right, moving on. This one comes from Legal
Advice, so we are of no use. - Not lawyers. - Here we go. This is in Oregon. "I accidentally created an
army of crow bodyguards. "Am I liable if my
murder attempts murder?" - Oh, that's a pun, yeah. - So I think this is Edgar Allen Poe. (everyone laughs) "To make a long story short, "I'm a late 20-something
living in Portland, Oregon. "I had a pretty intense emo/goth phase "as a tween that I thought
I had grown out of. "A couple months ago, I was
watching a nature program "on our local station about crows. "The program mentioned that
if you feed and befriend them, "crows will bring you small gifts. "My emo phase came back full force, "and I figured that I was
furloughed and had lots of time, "so why not make some crow friends? "My plan worked a little too well, "and the resident five
crows in my neighborhood "have turned into an army 15 strong. "At first, my neighbors
didn't mind and enjoyed it. "They're mostly elderly "and most were in a bird
watching club anyway. "They thought the fact "that I had crows following me around "wherever I went outside was funny. "Lately, the crows have
started defending me. "My neighbor came over for
a socially distanced chat, "me on the porch, her in my yard, "and the crows started dive bombing her. "They would not stop
until she left my yard. "They didn't make
physical contact with her, "but they got very close. "Am I liable if these crows
injure someone since I fed them? "I obviously can't control the crows. "I would rather them
not attack my neighbors. "But since I technically
created this nuisance, "could I be financially on
the hook for any injuries? "To be clear, they're not
aggressive 100% of the time. "If just the neighbors are out, "they are friendly, normal crows. "They only get aggressive
when someone gets close "to me or my property. "TLDR, I have turned into
Moira Rose, queen of the crows. "My inadvertent crow army "has gotten aggressive towards others. "If they hurt someone,
could I be held liable? "Also, I did not train
these birds to attack. "Also, thank you all for your awards. "I'm glad my stupid
decisions bring you joy. "Please consider donating that money "to your local Audobon Society instead." - Wow. - Well, I'm not a lawyer,
so I can't give that advice, but I am a fan of crows,
and I think that's awesome. And I will say during lockdown, I attempted the same exact thing. - You did? - I would go to the park with
like blueberries in my pocket. I'm not kidding. I would go to this, I would walk- - This is the most wholesome
thing you've ever said. - No, it was like my lockdown goal. - I love this for you. - I would walk to this park,
and I would read and stuff, and I brought blueberries with me, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna, and they were just always
perfectly not there whenever I went. But there was one time, and I threw a blueberry
to one of these crows. It ate it, flew away. And then like 20 minutes
later it showed up again. I was like, "Oh, sweet. "I'm gonna start getting this." - Yeah. - It just never fully panned out. But this is truly one of my dreams. - I wanna try. - I'm not kidding. I would love this so much if
I could have like crow friends that brought me stuff. - Why haven't you actively
kept up with this? - Well, now there's just not
a place nearby me currently where I could, like where
it could happen, you know? It's tough. It's tough in the city too. Like, you know, it's a little too like in front of other people trying to do it. - You're embarrassed. - If I lived in... A little bit. I'd wanna do this in secret so that nobody knows
that I have crow friends. - Well, then you can use it
to your advantage, right? - Exactly. No, I wanna live up in the mountains, befriend all the crows there
and all the woodland creatures. - Yeah. - Okay, Disney princess. - Snow White basically. - Hey, look, a man can dream, all right? But yeah, they bring you stuff. Some people train crows
to bring 'em money. - So I'm gonna do this actually. - Okay. - I think your problem
was the blueberries. I hear they like peanuts more. - I tried almonds. They didn't like all almonds. - No? - But the blueberries worked the one time. - The one time. - They had the blueberries. - Yeah, I wanna do this. I want them to bring me like gifts, like jewelry they find on the street, maybe some coins for a parking meter. Like, I'm with you. I want this. - I want it so bad. - I think they like
shiny things if I recall. They're like, "Oh he'd
like this shiny thing. "Here you go."
- Yeah. - They understand us. - [Tommy] Yeah. - They're so smart. - They're super smart. - Have you seen 'em do puzzles? - Yes. - Yeah, and they use tools. - They also are good at- - Yeah, they know how to use tools. - And they hold grudges. - They do. - Edgar Allan Poe. I don't know. (everyone laughs) - Yeah, they talk. - I don't think this person
would be found legally liable. - I don't think so. - I'm not a lawyer, but I do
have an opinion for no reason. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't think so
'cause it's like you can't- - They're wild animals. - Right. Exactly. - Yeah. - [Shayne] Yeah. - One time I was walking through a park, and this was in college, and this has nothing to do
with anything, but it is- - Went through a park,
and I saw this guy and... (everyone laughs) - And there was a squirrel,
and I was like, "Oh my god, "what if I could like make
friends with this squirrel?" And so I went like (clicks teeth) or like I made some kind of sound. And then within I would say 20 seconds, about 15 to 25 squirrels came
down and they were all like... - Oh dude. - And I was like, "Oh, I'm
gonna get killed by squirrels." So you can't do it to squirrels,
but you can do it to crows. - There was a squirrel
that I would see often. This was forever ago. I also have a squirrel story. (everyone laughs) Most of these episodes I
don't have a story to share. But I'm just like, for some
reason, this one I'm like, "Oh, I got a squirrel story too." But there was a squirrel
that would like show up, and it was just super friendly squirrel. And one day I was just like,
I didn't have anything on me, and I wish I did, if I'd had
like some nuts or something. But it got super close, and I just kinda like reached out my hand. I was just like possessed
to like be like, "Can I? "Will this squirrel run
up my arm or something?" But I think the squirrel
was like expecting me to have something and
it walks up to my hand, it like grabs my hand, and then it like grabbed
one of my fingers, it was just like... (everyone laughs) Put it in its mouth. And I was like, "Oh (beep)" I was like, "Am I gonna get rabies?" But it didn't like bite down. - It was just like, "What is this?" - It literally just went like... - A soft nibble. - Yeah. It was very sweet, but... - You are Snow White. - Right? - Yeah. - We're in the presence of royalty. It's crazy. - Wow. (Tommy laughs) - Yeah. Some comments here. "They are resource guarding. "To stop them from attacking people, "ask guests to bring shiny objects "or food scraps to the murder
of crows as an offering. "You could also supply your
guests little baggies of treats "for them to offer up. "If they dive bomb someone, "don't give them food for 24 hours. "If they're nice to a guest,
give them a high value treat "to reinforce positive behavior. "Advice from my partner. "She was a field biologist
that is published "in biology/ornithology." 21,000 up votes. - Okay.
- Okay. - Literal crow scientist. - Yeah. - Someone said, "It would
take quite a stretch "for someone to make a winning case "that you were negligent
by feeding the crows "that you are feeding. "Feeding the crows and that
you're feeding the crows "was the cause of
whatever injury occurred." - Right. - "A stretch doesn't
mean impossible though. "Make sure your homeowner's
insurance is up to date." So funny. 5,000 up votes.
- Oh my god. - Someone said, "This is my favorite thing
I've read in my entire life. "You'd be no more legally
liable for feeding a stray dog "that happened to get dangerously close "to random bypassers." I just think they should put a throne out on their front porch,
and they should be there, and then if people walk up, it's like, "What is your offering? "Feed my crows. "Very well, you may approach." Like, a crow lands, and
he is like, "He's okay. "You can let him through. "Yes, yes, very good." That's my dream. (Tommy laughs) - It is gonna happen for you. - That's all I want in life. - I see this. Yeah. - That's all I want in life. All right, well that was a really fun one. Let's move on to this next story. - Oh God. - This comes from True Off My Chest. "I just exposed my nether region "to a bunch of moms at Chuck E. Cheese." - No. (Shayne laughs) Not Chuck E. Cheese. - Wow. - "There for my daughter's
fifth birthday party. "I am standing there
with a soda in my hand "talking to a small group
of other parents, all women. "And my oldest, seven years
old with poor choice making "and impulse control, comes up
behind me and yanks my pants "and underwear down around my ankles. "Everyone behind me saw
my bare white butt cheeks. "Every mom in front got a clear
view of my dick and balls. "I recovered as best as I could, "but had to have cake and pizza "with these people before leaving. "Nothing could have prepared me for this." Well, that's that story. - Oh wow. - Wow. No party's over. We're not doing cake. Sorry, guys. Done. - I don't know what I would do. I'd probably have to leave. - I'd leave.
- I'd leave. - [Shayne] Yeah, I'd leave. - Yeah, I'd leave. - All right, I'm gonna get outta here. - That is by far the worst
place that could happen. - I don't know where else, yeah. - The worst. - Yeah, I don't know
where else you could have had that happen and not be that bad. - Yeah. - I wear a belt at all times. Not that I assume this
is ever going to happen, but like I don't know. After middle school,
like you just, you know, 'cause that's the thing that was- - Pantsing. - Pantsing was popular
at my middle school, - Oh, they were ruthless. - And since then it never, well, actually I think there
were some attempts on me. But I remember ever since then, I've just always been
someone I like secure pants. - Yeah. - So no one could ever do that to me. - That sucks. - Yeah. That's rough. - I don't know how they got
to the ankles so fast too. - Yeah, like, that's what I'm saying. - How loose were these pants? Shoo. - Yeah. - I wonder if this is his seven-year-old's first time doing this or if
this is like something he does. - You wonder. - I feel like if he did it
often, you would take precaution. - You would know. You would know. - Yeah. - It seems like it could
have came without warning. - Yeah, without warning. Yeah, this was a surprise. - It's his first rodeo. - Yeah. - [Shayne] But luckily- - It's his first rodeo. - Luckily it sounds like
everybody there understood that it's not his fault,
and it was all fine. - You live and you learn. - Yeah. Some comments here. "So, Dad, are you going to have a chat "with your seven-year-old about what we do "and don't do to others? "It will be a lot worse if he
starts doing it in school." That is true. - Yeah. Nip it in the bud. - Yep. - "I am sure it was mortifying,
but as a former employee, "that incident wouldn't
matter or be too memorable "as they are just happy it
is nothing gross to clean up "or having to call the cops." - Okay. - "Also, I'm sure most of
the people you were with "will forget soon too. "Also, that place is crazy. "Most people were probably
focused on something else." Lastly, someone said, "This
story sounds like a great plot "to a birth control commercial." - Yeah, I would say so. - Yeah. Moving on. All right, quick heads up. Sexually explicit story. All right. "Today I (beep) up by ruining sexy time "because I was thinking about SpongeBob." - Oh no. - "Greetings. "Actually, not today, but a few days ago. "My girlfriend, who's 27,
and I, 28-year-old man, "were having some quality
alone time together, "which has gotten pretty rare "since we have a one-year-old kid. "We decided to use the
opportunity to have some sexy time "and started out with some foreplay. "We were making out and things got spicy. "I was hard as a rock and ready
to make my ancestors proud." - Oh my god. - This guy has a fedora on for sure. - Oh yeah. - "At this point I need to mention "that I thought it was
fun to get high beforehand "as sex feels much more intense then. "I got higher than
intended, and due to that, "my tongue felt like a
dry piece of beef jerky. "Have you ever woken up
in the middle of the night "because you were so thirsty "and eager to get that cold
fresh 3:00 AM sip of water? "That kind of dry. "Nevertheless, I pull off my clothes "and leaned in for a final tongue kiss "before working my way down on her. "Then it happened. "When the tips of our tongues touched, "I bursted out laughing, "blowing air outta my nose into her face. "Her tongue felt so wet that
it made me envision my tongue "to feel like SpongeBob from that episode "where he visits Sandy for the first time "and he is on the brink of
death desperate for water. "I immediately felt embarrassed "and sorry for ruining the mood. "I apologized for being
childish and stupid. "We tried to save the
situation, but I got soft, "and she lost interest
as she was disappointed. "Totally get that. "After that silence was
trenched by disappointment "and embarrassment. "Thankfully, 10 minutes later I was able "to get the mood back
on and make up for it. "I gave everything I had. "I used every trick in the book "and managed to take
her to the promised land "and preserved some dignity." - Oh Jesus Christ.
- Oh my god. - Okay, I gotta be honest, dude. The SpongeBob thing is like
the least embarrassing thing going on here. - Oh my god. - Come on, dude. - Holy crap. - You're talking to a bunch
of internet strangers. You are allowed to say whatever you want. Like, why are you- - It didn't need to be that. - Did not need to be that. - Yeah, I took her to the promised land. - Having something stupid
come up in the middle of that and like laughing,
that's the joie de vivre. That's the joy of an like an intimacy, and then it's like, okay,
10 minutes later, yeah. Have a laugh. Be like (chuckles) Then you get back to it. - Yeah. - No, this isn't that bad. I feel like this is an easy recovery versus some of the other things that have come up based on Reddit. - Yeah, the SpongeBob's a sweet thing. Like, they know each other very well. They're gonna laugh about that. - He just had a little bit too much. You know, we've all been there too. - Yeah, he's high. Like, it's also that aspect. No, but then he sobered up and wrote this. - Right. That was the mistake. - That was a mistake. - I'm judging him for this, man. Come on. Don't say "I'm ready to
make my ancestors proud." - What? - 'Cause that also, that's
weird on several levels. - Don't bring dead people into this. - Yeah, your ancestors are like, "No, man. "We're not part of this." - They're like, "We actually..." - Actually... - Down vote. - Some comments. "Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?" (crew laughs) - Good ole Reddit.
- No. - Someone typed out the whole song. "Oh, who comes to my mind
after you smoke some weed? "SpongeBob SquarePants. "A yellow and porous (beep) blocker is he. "SpongeBob SquarePants. "If sexy escapades be something you wish. "SpongeBob SquarePants. "Then don't blow air in her
face and gasp like a fish." OP responded and said, "Made my day." - It's crafty. - Yeah. That's pretty good. - It's crafty. - Lastly, someone said, "You mean sexy time got in
the way of SpongeBob time. "The nerve of some people." OP said, "Of course. "How could I be so foolish?" Yeah, I think almost
everything could be worse than that moment. That was not that bad. - No. Honestly, what's worse for me
now is the ancestor comment, and now that we've really
started thinking about it, I'm envisioning like "Mulan," like where they're all
floating around the room, and I think that's what I'm
gonna envision the next time, because like it's like,
"Oh, hi, Grandma Ellen." Like, why did he have to do that to us? To me. To me. - That's awful. Yeah, this guy ruined my life. - This is bad. (everyone laughs) - This episode of "Reddit
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factormeals.com/pitreddit50 to get 50% off. Back to the show. "Today I (beep) up by not
realizing our initials "made our cake topper inappropriate." - Oh.
- Okay. - "I will be getting
married in October of 2023 "to my fiance of nine years. "In these nine years, "I have never really put
together how our initials look. "Mine being C and his being M. "I ordered a very pretty
cake topper a few weeks ago "with our initials. "It came in, and I looked
at it with excitement "and hadn't shown anyone but my fiance. "Today, my father stopped in for a visit, "and I began to show him stuff
I bought for the wedding. "I held the cake topper, and
he gave me a puzzled look "and asked, 'What does it say?' "I was confused as to
how it wasn't obvious. "Then it sparked me to
look at it differently. "The cake topper says C heart M, "except the heart is the
shape size as the letters. "The heart is also not a traditional shape "making it look like it says (beep)" - Hell yeah. - "I showed this to my
father in full confidence. "I ordered a cake topper
that just says cum. "Not even my fiance caught it. "(beep) my life." (Morgan laughs) Yeah, that's awesome. - Hey. - I think it's awesome. - I think it's pretty cool. - I like it. - Like, "Dude, check it out. (beep)" - Want a slice of the (beep) cake? - Dude, (beep) kake. (everyone laughs) Who wants it? (everyone laughs) - Oh my god. I'm down for it. Whatever. - Yeah, who cares? - Keep it interesting. - It's still the letters. You know, you're not breaking any rules. - Yeah, who cares? - [Tommy] It's cute. - I like it. - Just a little thing. - Yeah, and honestly there's
worse possible combinations, so, you know, that's not so bad. - I'm on board. - Yeah. Now I'm going through like,
who should I not marry so that nothing can go wrong there? - Just someone else with the or wait. - Yeah, I don't think
there's a three letter word that starts with T. That's really bad. Don't put it in the comments. - I did break up with someone
over their last name once. (Tommy gasps) Yeah. Well, it's the last name,
I'm sorry anyone who has it, but it was Hyman. - Oh, see. - Super nice guy, but like
every time it was like, you start to think, Morgan Hyman. I couldn't do it. - Can't be me. - It can't be me. - Wow. - I can't have that. Yeah. - He's engaged now, so- - Oh, good for him.
- [Tommy] That's great. - Yeah, he found love. So yeah. - That's awesome. - Hopefully they go with her last name. (everyone laughs) I'm sorry. - It's like if I went by Tommy Prostate. - Yeah. - Hey! It's Tommy Prostate! Okay. - Yeah. He's at a coffee shop, and he's just like, "Hey, I'm Jeff Hyman." She's like, "I'm Jenny Testicles." (everyone laughs) They're like... - Yeah. - Some comments here. "Carefully cut the C
and the M and swap them. "It's an easy maneuver commonly
known as the (beep) swap." (Morgan laughs) - Nice. - "I once wrote (beep)
instead of cupcake once." - Cool. (crew laughs) - That's awesome, dude. I wish it had one up vote. It has 906. I wish it had one. (everyone laughs) You got it, man. "One of Sweden's biggest property owners "for hospitals decided "to skip sending out
Christmas cards one year, "and instead took out an ad in the paper. "The company is called Locum,
and this is the result." It's Locum, but with a heart as the O. It looks like I heart (beep) That's awesome. All right. - I like it. - Well, that's it. That's that story. - Nice. - Good time. I hope they kept it. - Big fan. - All right, here's our next story. "Am I the asshole for eating
my pregnant wife's leftovers?" - Yes. Yeah. - Wow. - She's pregnant.
- She's pregnant. - I also think eating
anyone's leftovers is- - Oh, it's... - [Shayne] Douchey move. - I'm fighting if you eat my leftovers. - "My wife and I have been
together for five years now, "and during this time we
have come to an agreement "that any leftovers we take
home from a restaurant belong "to that person for the next 36 hours. "After that, it's fair game." Oh, so they have an agreement. - Okay.
- They have some rules. - After 36 hours, fair game. "My wife just hit nine
weeks into her pregnancy. "She's in the high risk category "and has been pretty much put
to bed rest by the doctors. "Since she's in her first trimester, "she's nauseous all the time "and has been constantly
puking her guts out daily. "About a week ago she was
actually feeling really good, "was moving around, so
we decided to go out "and eat at our local steakhouse. "We got there, ordered our food, "and the second she got the food, "I guess the smell of it just
didn't agree with her stomach "because she put it to the side. "We agreed to take it to go "since we didn't want to
just waste an entire meal. "The next couple of
days she's back in bed, "barely eating since nothing
was agreeing with her stomach "until last night. "She was back in a good mood "and got excited about eating her steak, "mashed potatoes, and veggies. "I told her I ate it since
it's been more than 36 hours, "and I was really wanting some more steak. "She just broke down crying,
telling me how she's pregnant, "she can't control how her
body reacts to different foods, "how I'm selfish and don't
really care about her wellbeing. "I offered to go back to the restaurant "and get her a new steak,
but she just got more upset "and said that's not the point. "Grabbed a spoon, some applesauce, "and went back into bed to
eat it and watch some TV." - Oh man. - Yeah. - Oh. Dang. - Yeah. I'll walk it back a little. Not the asshole. They have ground rules. It is after the 36 hours. But could he have been a little
more considerate and asked? Yeah. - Yeah, she is bedridden right now. It's like all right, the
rules apply in general, but special circumstances
call for adjustments. - Exactly. - I think even if you have that rule, it's like after the 36
hours it's still like, "All right, it's been 36 hours-" - Can I have it? - [Shayne] I'm gonna eat this. - Yeah, a courtesy. - It's like that's, you know. - Well, especially pregnant now. Like, that added context of like, she's throwing up all the
time, nauseous, bedridden, emotional, hormones are going crazy. And it's just like that was the straw that broke the camel's back. - Right. - And all you had to do is ask. - Yeah. - Oh, that's tough. - 'Cause it's not like
she was outta the house. - No. - It's like she's right there. You could literally just
be like, "Hey! Steak?" That's all you had to do. - Oh, poor thing. - The verdict was no assholes here. - Okay. - Some comments. "Man, just apologize
and go get her the steak "and some flowers. "Pregnancies can be hard, "and it really can make
women very emotional. "As men, we can't possibly understand "what that is like to go through. "You're going to have to
cut her some slack here. "Furthermore, it doesn't matter
who is right or wrong here, "that isn't what a marriage
is or should be about. "You're one unit. "Keeping score is not going
to lead to anything good. "No one's the asshole. "Go take care of your pregnant wife, "get her some flowers, buy
her that steak, rub her feet, "say how sorry you are." 16,000 up votes. - Yeah, that's the answer. - Well done. Well done.
- I love that. - [Morgan] Well done. - "Going with you're the asshole. "Belongs to that person
for the next 36 hours. "After that, it's free game. "I like that rule. "Reasonable, fair, "keeps shit from sitting
in the fridge for weeks. "My pregnant wife. "Game suspended due to pregnancy. "Sorry, dude, that rule is not enforceable "for the next seven months." - Yeah. - 6,000 up votes. "Soft you're the asshole. "The game changes when
there are health concerns "and pregnancy. "It would've taken you all
of two minutes to ask." Yeah. - Yeah.
- Exactly. - [Shayne] It was easy. - And like nine weeks high risk. She's bedridden at nine weeks. Like, I feel like it
must be really intense. - Yeah. - And so you almost should
be going above and beyond to make sure she's catered to. - Right. - Like, that psychologically
and like emotionally for her, she's going through this huge
change and she's bedridden and super sick. Like, you gotta be a good partner and like go the extra
length to ensure she's good and taken care of. - And he could have fully
just gotten any other food. Like, he could order food,
he could go get something. It's just like- - [Morgan] Yeah. - He could have ordered
himself another steak if he wanted more steak. - Exactly. Exactly. - Yeah. - But just this feels
just like a doofus guy kind of slip up moment
where it's just like, "Oh no, I'm sorry. "I love you." - There's also an insane track record of like any am I the
asshole written from a guy and it has to do with his wife and food- - Mm-hmm. - It's like- - It's always like, dude, you're
probably in the wrong here. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - Like, it's fascinating. Moving on. - Yeah. - Here we go. "Am I the asshole for not just dropping it "and putting a blanket
veto on all TV show names "for our son?" Okay. "Me and my wife are
having our first kid soon "and know it is going to be a boy. "It's been hard to come
to an agreement on names. "She's very firm on picking
a name that we both agree on, "but we pretty much have opposite tastes. "I have a very, very basic
and common first name, "which I like, "so I gravitate towards
simple and classic names "like James, William, and Daniel. "She likes not that. "She suggested the name
Dean the other day, "and I was considering it
until I found out she picked it "because it was the name
of her teen TV crush. "She dug in her heels "and insisted that she just liked the name "and wasn't gonna name her
kid after the character "and watching an old episode of the show "just reminded her of the name. "I'm like, that is exactly
what naming your kid "after a TV character means. "So I said, 'How about this? "'I'm gonna give you a
preemptive blanket veto "'on TV show names. "'I don't want to hear
suggestions for a little Zuko "'or Sherlock or anything like that. "'And literally any other
name is on the table. "'Is that fair?' "And she said, 'No, that is not fair,' "and I'm being a dick and
putting words in her mouth. "My position is that if you're
gonna try to pick a TV name "for your own kid, at least own up to it "and admit it's a TV name. "I'm more annoyed at the
transparent denial at this point "than the fact that she
suggested it in the first place." Well, I got bad news for him, James, William, and Daniel
are all in TV shows. - Yep, I was just about to say every name has been in a TV show probably. - [Shayne] Yeah. - [Morgan] Come on. - Fresh Prince. There's William. (everyone laughs) - And they couldn't use
it again after that. - Can't use it again. Never. Never. Yeah. Strange. I mean, her reasoning is fine. - Yeah. - It's like, oh yeah, that
was a name on a TV show. It sounded cool. - Yeah. - Dean's also in that category
of normal names for me. - It is. - [Shayne] Dean is a normal name. - It's short. - Yeah. - [Morgan] Yeah. - He is clearly jealous
about the crush thing. - [Morgan] Little insecure. - A little insecure. 'Cause he is like, "Oh, you
liked him when you were young? "What about me?" (everyone laughs) - Fine. We can name him a TV name. Meet our son Colombo. (everyone laughs) - Oh God. Yeah. I mean, it's better than
like an ex-girlfriend. We've had those stories. - We've had those stories too. - Where it's like an ex-girlfriend or an ex-fiance that's passed, and like there's stories like that. So it's like a fictional character
from a show, it's better. - It's totally fine. - There's only so many names out there. - And so many people name their kids after just like this name sounds good. A lot of names don't have meaning. - No. - Like, I don't think my name had meaning. I think it was just like Shayne. All right. - Like it. Cool. - Sounds good. - She could have positioned it like, "I want to name 'em after
this like school dean "that I love." (everyone laughs) I don't know.
- Just lied. - Just lied. - Just lied. Little white lie. - Some comments here. "James and his giant peach, "William, Willy Wonka, "and Daniel, Danny
Turner, would all tell you "how stupid this idea is, "and those are just the
first few I thought of "off the top of my head. "You're the asshole. "Can you name a single
name that hasn't been used "in TV or movies?" Someone else said, "Info, did she get the name
Dean from 'Gilmore Girls'? "Because if so, I wouldn't name
my child after him either." OP said, "You're weirdly close. "It's Dean from 'Supernatural.'" - That's what I was
thinking 'cause he is hot. (crew laughs) Yeah, I knew. I knew immediately, but, you know. - I like that it has 69 up votes. Our producer made sure to put in noice. - Noice. Noice, noice. - So this original comment
was deleted, but OP said, "You know, weirdly, this
comment actually helped me "because my knee jerk
reaction was (beep) this guy, "he can't tell me what my own
thoughts and actions would be. "But then I realized "that's pretty much what I've been doing, "and my wife has probably
been been thinking, "(beep) this guy, he
can't tell me what name "was more than just a name
in my own head about me. "And I am mad at her for
digging in her heels, "but then what have I been
doing for the last half hour? "And with a bunch of
internet randos, no offense. "So actually, yeah, I'll apologize "for being an ass when she gets home. "Dean is still not going to be the name. "I know. "I was already not 100% on it "before this whole bout of nonsense. "And now it feels tainted
by the drama on top of that. "But maybe my olive branch can
be me being more compromising "on the names she likes. "She has a lot of Irish names on her list "that sound like common names, "but have weird for here spellings. "If we can find one that
sounds common enough "and is at least spelled like it sounds "so that everyone he meets
doesn't say it wrong, "that might work." 311 up votes. - Okay, some self-awareness there. I like it. I like it. - Yeah, he kind of came back around. You know, I was gonna say
in the original story, he's the asshole for this story, but he's another one who
fits into the category of an asshole for how he wrote it. - Yeah. It's not that serious. And like they're already in agreement that like it's gotta be a mutual decision, so at least they have that going for them. But like to just be like, "Ah, all TVs." It's like, yeah, you gotta
take it case by case, dude. That's weird. - That's so extreme. Also, Sherlock is like, he knows it's from a book first, right? - Shh. Don't let him know. - Don't tell him. - I like that Reddit gave
him some life lessons. It's like, hey, call your therapist. Cancel. Just go on Reddit. - Just go on Reddit. - You'll learn everything about your life on there apparently. - Final story here. This comes from Relationship Advice. The title is "My girlfriend smells." - Oh. - It's a 24-year-old woman writing about a 24-year-old woman. "My girlfriend and I made it official "and started telling family
and friends we're dating. "The first time we cuddled,
she smelled like dog poop. "I didn't wanna put my nose near her "and that's the only
thing I could think about "being close to her. "I pushed it aside. "We made plans on the fly that night, "and I didn't think too much of it. "She probably didn't
get the chance to shower "before coming over and
forgot to brush her teeth. "I regretfully overlooked it completely. "Today, we watched a movie and cuddled. "The smell wasn't as
intense but still bad. "It didn't smell like dog poop this time, "but as if she wore a dirty
beanie for three days straight "and didn't wash her hair after. "I was so disappointed "because I was planning to kiss
her tonight and make a move, "but couldn't pull myself to
because of the unclean smell. "What do I say to her? "I really like her, and I
couldn't break up with her "because we just made it official. "She's kind, caring, understanding, funny, "and a joy to be around. "I don't wanna hurt her feelings, "and I definitely don't
wanna break up with her. "I see a future together, but
I need something to change. "Any words of advice?" Got a big edit here. Bigger than the original post. "A lot of people seem confused, "so I'll clear it up a little bit. "We've hung out a lot the last few weeks, "three times a week, and I drive
in my car everywhere we go. "We've hugged a lot, "and I never smelled her
in any of those moments "until we were up close and personal. "The only times I ever smelled it "were those two times
I put my head on hers. "A lot of you mentioned it
could be her diet, her hair, "her shower habits, "her mental health
getting the better of her "and being unhygienic, her pets, "her shower/shampoo/body wash
products, or new piercings. "She has diagnosed gastroenteritis "and something else with her gut, "so she has severe digestive
issues that cause chronic pain "and can't eat certain foods "and has a hard time eating in general. "This also leads to mental illnesses, "but I don't think it's a lack of shower. "I think it could be her hair "and maybe not washing it as often, "which makes sense because
she has very, very short hair. "She has two older dogs, "but when I've been at
her house a few times "and nothing suspicious came up. "She's not a dirty person,
and she takes care of herself. "She has ear piercings that
are healing, so maybe that too. "So there's probably a lot
of contributing factors. "Eating habits, living with
pets, digestion issues, "and maybe she's not
washing her hair a lot "or new healing ear piercings. "It's a sensitive topic, and
I'm taking her out later today "and mentioning something. "I'm going to say I'm
allergic to her hair shampoo "and ask her to please change it. "She's very kind and understanding, "so yes, the conversation
will be embarrassing "and uncomfortable, but I will
support her the best I can "and be understanding and accommodating "as much as she has with me, "then I guess we'll see
what goes on from there. "Thank you for the positive comments. "I know this isn't uncommon in partners "and after reading your advice,
I know how to address it. "Much appreciated." So wait, is saying she's
allergic to her shampoo, that's a lie? - Yeah.
- Yeah. - She's gonna try to
like do it case by case? - Oh my gosh. - You're building up a million lies then if it's not the hair. - I know. - Yeah, no, that's not gonna work. She needs to... I mean- - It's hard 'cause if
you're gonna be like, it's like, "Hey babe,
you're a little stinky "kinda all the time." Then it's like if I
receive that information, then it would be very
hard not to think about all the time I'm with
my partner am I stinky. - Yeah. - Yeah, but at the same
time, if your partner says, "Hey, you're stinky right now," then you know that they would
tell you when you're stinky. - Right. - [Shayne] So you don't
have to think about that. - Right. - I'm just confused. Like, is it the hair or
is it actually like breath and like gastro like reflux type things, 'cause like if she's got
extreme like GERD problems or gastroenteritis, it's like that sphincter could
not be working correctly, and like the bile, you could be smelling stomach
bile is what you're smelling. So it's confusing for me
how it's like, it's hair, but like is it breath or piercings? 'Cause then I start
thinking tonsil stones. Have you heard about those? I learned about them about a year ago, and I've been traumatized ever since. - I haven't heard about tonsil stones. Do I want to hear about tonsil stones? - I have a mining tool. I got a like a little,
it's like a pick on, 'cause I was so scared
about them, so I check, and I got one out once and they stink. Like, they are horrendous smelling. - Damn. So would I know if I have one? - Yeah, just look at your tonsils later. You can use your phone
flashlight and kinda and... - But it'll be noticeable? - You should notice. Yeah. - Okay. - There's worse things, and there's an easy way to just be like, "Hey, like, you know, I know
you have stomach problems, "your breath is kind of bad. "Like, it might be something
to talk to your doctor about." - Yeah. It's so scary. I luckily I don't have
a great sense of smell, so I've luckily never had this situation where I've had to tell anyone 'cause I've never really
noticed it or been bothered. I'm also just unbothered by it. - Yeah. - At the gym, sometimes I notice, like someone it'll be
like, damn, that's intense. But I just don't care that much. - No. - But if it's your
partner and your cuddling, you're trying to relax, I get that. But I would be mortified
to have to tell someone. I'd feel so bad. - It's rough 'cause it's new. If it was like-
- That's what's hard. - If it was like four years
in, you could be like, "Hey babe, getting a little stinky. "Let's figure it out." - Yeah. - 'Cause then it's like, we're together, you know, we're in this together. But this is like brand new, so it's like this is the
foundation of this relationship. - Yeah. - It's hard. It's hard. I don't know if there's
like a clear answer besides like just talk about it. The answer to everything's
kinda like talk about it. - Yeah. But you do wonder, like is the
lying the better answer now versus, you know, honesty best policy because can you move forward
together even after this? - Exactly. - Like, is she gonna be too embarrassed? - Right. - And I don't know. I'm tussling with this one. - This one's hard. Some comments. A comment. "I'm a bit confused. "Did you know about the odor issue "before making her your girlfriend?" "Not at all. "We hung out more than a handful of times "and didn't smell anything. "I didn't notice it in my
car or for a quick hug. "I felt uncomfortable with the smell "when she was half laying on me "and I put my chin on her hair. "Edit, I wanted to add, "she was in my car every time I saw her "and a lot of brief hugs
before and after hanging out. "So I was close to her often, "but I didn't smell it until
I was really up close." Interesting. Got an update. - Okay. - Oh, I'm scared. - "I have to break up with her." - No. - What? Is she eating dog poop? - "Today was the worst she ever smelled. "I never smelled it until
my nose was in her hair "until today. "I couldn't be in the car with her, "and the movie we went to sucked "because it was all I could
smell and think about. "I didn't even take time to say goodbye. "Just got out of the car,
gave her a respectful hug, "and left immediately. "She looked depressed "and disappointed pulling
out of the driveway. "I can't look at her the same. "Y'all, this is so bad
and I feel so bad for her. "I have secondhand embarrassment for her. "I wish things could have worked out. "I really liked her. "Gonna break up with her tonight. "I know it's an asshole move, "but I don't think I can
tell her the real reason. "I'm just gonna blame it on
the stress I'm going through "because life is shit right now "even without my
girlfriend in the picture. "Ugh, I wish I didn't put
myself in this situation. "It's funny in hindsight,
but geez, I'm over it. "Gonna laugh and cry on the down low "with my friends over the next few days." Dude, come on. - If you're breaking up with her, tell her that she's stinky! - This is not the update I wanted. - Yeah. - I just think like, they were saying like they
really cared about this person. Like, you should tell them. But there's another update. - Oh.
- Oh. Okay. - "So to sum up my last post, "I said my ex-girlfriend stunk of poop, "and I looked past it the
first couple of times, "but I broke up with her after the third. "I didn't notice her smell
the many times we hung out, "sat in my car, or the hugs we had. "I smelled poop from her
when my head was on hers "and my nose was close to her hair. "I was really immature and
broke up with her an hour "after I dropped her
off from our movie date, "probably 10 minutes after
I posted my last update." So she did break up with her. - Okay. - "I felt and still feel
so guilty not telling her. "I saw my therapist yesterday, "and after sobbing to her
about my ex-girlfriend "and my life status right now,
25 days from being homeless "and the other (beep) up
things we talk about weekly, "she helped me realize I need
to open up a conversation "with my ex. "I wrote out a few letters "and put one in her mailbox last night. "I explained in detail
what she smelled like, "where I smelled it, and
what times I smelled her, "so she knows how she smells now. "I also told her I missed her "and that I didn't think
my actions through, "I told her why I broke things off "and my thought process through it. "I don't wanna attribute
mental health to this. "Having PTSD or any
disorder is not an excuse "to be an asshole, but the
expectations of sex, kissing, "or even holding hands puts
my body into survival mode. "I'm not going to write out everything "what's wrong with me here, "but I broke up with her
because of the smell. "It was the straw that
broke the camel's back. "I wrote her a letter and put
it in her mailbox last night. "First thing this morning she messaged me "and said we needed to talk. "We talked it out, "and she said she's going to find a way "to get rid of the smell. "She forgave me, "and we're going to be
friends in the meantime "while I work through my PTSD." All right, well- - Yeah, this is great. - Way to go, therapist. - Yeah. Yeah. - And that's brave. Like, she did it. - That's huge. - She did it. - Yeah.
- She did it. - She got through it. It sounds like she's going through a lot. - Clearly. Yeah. - Cool of them to not play, like, I don't wanna attribute
this to my mental health, but, you know, like, but she handled it. She did the right thing. And I know like in stressful situations, you don't want make those
tough decisions of like, "Oh, I can't communicate this right now. "I'm going through a lot." But she did it. That's great. Hopefully they get this worked out. I mean, so her partner had no idea. - It sounds like yeah, no idea. - Also way to go to the
person who got broken up with to receive the information and to be like, "Thank you for telling me. "We can be friends." Like, what a- - Yeah. - Nice. Good. - Right. And I mean look, these types
of situations are so scary, but they can be the way that
a relationship kinda levels up 'cause that's such extreme communication. It's so vulnerable, and
it's like, "Okay, sweet. "So I smelled like shit, and
you still wanna be with me." - Right. - You know, like there's something
kind of sweet about that. - Yeah. Yeah, look on the bright side. I think this is great. Like, as someone that
I struggle personally with confrontation, so I get how like that conversation initially
it would've been hard. It would've been awkward. And so I think the letter idea is great. Like, the fact you did
the letter that took guts. You didn't know the outcome from that. So that is great. And like I think this is
like the perfect resolution. Like, she knows now. Like, who knows her apartment water could be contaminated with sewage. We don't know what's going on. - Yeah, man. - So now we can actually
work to address it and you don't lose someone you care about. - Right. I'm not a confrontational person. I'm really bad at it. I have to say, I think if I
was in this person's shoes, I could see myself
being similar, you know? Like, I have to be honest there. But I think it is great
to let someone know if it's something like this, even if you're gonna go
through with the breakup. - Right. - Just letting 'em know so
they can be aware and change it or address it. - I think hygiene especially 'cause like not only is this
bleeding into her relationship, but this could affect her professionally, which then could affect her personally. And like there's so many domino effects that this one little issue could cause. So I think it's definitely fair. - Yeah. - [Tommy] Yeah. - Happy ending. - Yeah. - Yeah. That's all of 'em. Morgan, thank you for being here. - Thank you for having me. This was a really fun assortment. I loved it. - Good one. A good mix of things. - [Morgan] Yeah. - Tommy, as always thank you. - Hey, thanks. - [Shayne] Yeah. (Morgan laughs) - Thanks for joining us. - Oh, thank you so much for having me. It was a blast. - Great. Well, people can find
you @TwoHotTakes, right? - @TwoHotTakes on everything. Our episode should be out
by now, so check that out. That was a lot of fun. You had some really solid takes on those, and I feel like I
traumatized you a little too. - No, no. - [Morgan] Okay. - I saw him crying earlier. Is that why? - I know, he, yeah. - Morgan's here and I'm like (screams) - Yeah, yeah. - No, there were some crazy stories. - They were unhinged. - These ones are a little more goofy. We had some- - This was nice. - Yeah, this was a nice
little reprieve from that. - So watch that one then watch
this one to kind of like- - Yes.
- [Morgan] Yes honestly. - [Tommy] Let it loose. - Well, you've already watched this. - Yeah, so maybe take a breather. - Oh, that's true. (Shayne laughs) Wait, forget everything. Go back. - Give it some time. Give it some time before
you jump in on that. - But check out "Two Hot Takes." It's a great show. And yeah, you're always welcome here. - Thank you. Come back anytime. - Great. Cool. And, Tommy, you're also welcome here. - Really? (Shayne laughs) Oh my god. Really? - Thank you guys for watching. We'll see you next week. Let us know what other themes, categories, subreddits you want us to cover. We'll see you later. Goodbye! - Bye!
