- Welcome back to "Reddit Stories." I'm Shayne. And today's theme is
all relationship fails and/or misunderstandings. And I'm joined by Courtney and Angela. Hey. - Hey.
- Hey. Someone said misunderstandings. - Oh my god, did somebody
say misunderstandings? (everyone laughs) - I came running. - Angela's here, which means the reactions
are going to be crazy. - No, I'm just gonna go,
"Wow, that sucks for them." - That's what you do. (everyone laughs) That's what you do. - I feel like if I were to
tickle you, you'd stab me. (Angela laughs) - That's the energy you give. I came to that realization as
soon as we started rolling. I was like, "I feel like if I
tickled you, you'd stab me." - I'd be like, "Get off!" (everyone laughs) - Let's get into it. I love the title of this first one. This is a 24-year-old woman. "My 28-year-old boyfriend
constantly baby talks. "I'm embarrassed." - Okay. - This is from r/relationships. "As the title states, "my partner of two years
constantly baby talks. "At first it was cute, but not anymore. "It's embarrassing. "I recently started working in the city, "so we commute to and from work
together during peak times. "Every morning on the train, "he'd repeatedly tell me he
needs to poo in a kiddie voice. "He's done this every (beep)
day since I started the job. "Recently we were on the train home "and he kept doing the kissy
sounds to get me to kiss him. "And of course, this guy
standing next to me kept glancing "at us weirdly the whole time. "One time a lady hit me with her huge bag, "so he kept pretending to spit in her bag, "and another lady saw it and was giggling. "I don't know how to tell
him to stop this behavior "because it's gotten out of hand. "I'm sick of starting my mornings hearing "about how badly he needs
to take a poop times 100. "When I tell him that I
was tired of hearing it, "he starts pouting and
saying I don't love him. "I'm at my wit's end. "How can I tell him to stop
without hurting his feelings?" She's like, "I'm tired of hearing it." He goes (cries) (everyone laughs) - No! - We've heard some really
sad stuff on this show. I think this is the most I've
ever felt bad for someone. (everyone laughs) - [Courtney] Oh no. - How does she do it? - I can't imagine, like 'cause a bus is not a cute place, or a train or a subway, whatever it is. Like, those are not like
cute romantic places. So to go (kisses) - Oh my god. How does she sleep with him? If he says he has to go poo? (laughs) - That's rough. And sometimes I understand like you don't realize something's weird until suddenly you're
surrounded by a ton of people as it's happening. - [Angela] Yeah. - What does she mean by they're pretending to spit in the bag? - [Angela] What is that?
- [Shayne] Just like, I don't know.
- Patoo. - Patoo. - If someone even says potty
in an adult voice and says, "I have to go potty." - Oh shit, I do that all the time. (everyone laughs) - Okay. - Well, that's embarrassing. (laughs) - No, it's okay. - Maybe it's an adult man thing. - I've never heard you
say "I have to go potty." - I say I have to go
potty if I have to pee. And then if I have to take a crazy shit, I say, "I need to use the restroom." (everyone laughs) - I'm on my way. - That's when you know the difference. And I caught that in myself recently. But I used to say, "I have to go potty." - Yeah, I usually am like,
"I have to go wee wee." And then if it's gonna be a mean shit, I put on a full business
suit, put on my fedora, grab my suitcase. - And we go, "Oh, this is when Shayne "has to take a huge shit." - I go, "I'll be seeing ya." (everyone laughs) - I'll be in my office. - Good day, ladies. And we go, "Oh, that's when
Shayne has to shit." (laughs) - [Courtney] Oh my god. ♪ Oh boo boo doo ba ba ba ♪ (everyone laughs) - [Shayne] I light a cigar. - Good morning, everyone. (everyone laughs) - He becomes fully insane
when he has to shit. Could you date someone who baby talks? - No. Not constantly like that. - [Angela] I seriously couldn't. - But people on TikTok
like talk about how, like you see that trend on
TikTok where couples are like, "This is our language. "Like, what do we say for pancakes?" - Oh yeah - What do we say for this? And they're like, "Pockies. "Mommy ma moo." Like, they have their weird,
and like sometimes you just, but it's weird that it's very one sided. - Or like I understand
like a cutesy voice. Okay, this might not make sense. Cutesy voice, like, "Muh,
water, what, pancakes." Is different to me than baby
voice, which is "I go potty." (everyone laughs) Like, one is acting like a baby, and one is being like, "I love you, "so sometimes I'm gonna go like this." - That's different. That's different. - That's what I'm saying,
there's a difference. An adult man acting like
a baby is so unattractive. - In a public place. - In public is also different. - Like, I picture like, "I have to poop." (everyone laughs) - [Angela] And she's like- (Courtney makes kissy noises) I have to get to the office, babe. (everyone laughs) - Oh, you gotta to go do work? Some comments here. "Say back loudly, 'For (beep)
sake, take a shit then.'" OP responded, "That's what I say "when I'm not ignoring his poo comments." And someone said, "On
the train too I hope?" And she responded, "I politely say, "'Then why don't you go take a dump?' "Or, 'Why don't you
bother waking up earlier "'so you have time to do so?' "Maybe I need to be harsher." Someone said, "You can't tell him to stop "without hurting his feelings. "Maturing is usually a painful process. "He's never going to change
in the way you want him to. "Break up." Damn.
- Oh. - OP responded, "I just want
to hold on to a little hope. "I've begun to seriously
consider breaking up. "It's not just the baby talk. "His fear of adulting is
starting to wear on me." - Oh. - Yeah, I feel like the baby
talk is maybe just the tip of the iceberg and that- - Yeah, seems like she's
upset that he has to poop in the mornings just in general. - I feel like people use
a baby voice sometimes, like a lot of times to like
soften like seriousness. Like, you know, when you're like afraid to say something real so
you put a silly voice on it? Like, half of the things
that come outta my mouth. - Yeah, or people do that when I think they know their
partner's like mad at them. - Yeah. - Like, "Bubba, what do you mean?" - Yeah. - Bubs. - Yeah. I wouldn't like be like,
"They're talking in baby voice. "I have to break up now." It's like, I would definitely
try to talk about it because he's not hurting anybody. - Sure. - Other than his own like swag. - Her comment about being like, "Then why don't you
just take a dump then." - Then take a (beep) shit! - Take a shit, Kevin! - You gotta go poopoo? What about a dump? (Courtney laughs) - Take a grown man's dump. (everyone laughs) That guy's got a train going
through him constantly. - Oh. - All right, update. - Okay. Good, good, good, good, good, good. - "I thought I'd post an update "since the original post garnered
quite a bit of attention. "We broke up, or he dumped
me last Saturday evening. "He initiated the conversation
after I got home from work. "It started off with him asking me "what I didn't like about him, "which I couldn't bring
myself to say much about. "Then he told me he didn't
see a future with me "because he wants to go
travel the world and have fun, "he wants a girlfriend he can
travel with and I'm not her, "he wants to have fun, I wanna
save for a home and future, "he believes in the one and
I'm definitely not the one, "our age gap is apparently too big, "I don't communicate with him." "Da (beep)" she wrote in parenthesis. "And lastly, I'm too close
with my male best friend "who is 14,000 kilometers away from me "and who has been my rock for six years. "So yeah, can't say I
didn't see this coming, "so I wasn't particularly
upset or anything. "It was for the better. "We are just way too different "and want different things in life. "I feel liberated and
have just been chilling "while I get my shit sorted. "Hunting for a new place
is a real pain in the arse, "but once that's done,
everything will be okay." So he got up into his high
chair and he told her- (everyone laughs) - He said-
- Or yeah- - Go. - No you go, you go. - I was gonna say, "I had to take a dump." - Yeah. - The dump is you. I'm dumping you. - [Angela] I want to travel. - [Courtney] I want to travel. - Or he goes, "The age gap is too big. "I'm two and you are 28." (everyone laughs) - The age gap is too big. I'm two years old. - I just think the age
gap is a little big, and sometimes your friendship with your best friend's a
little intimidating to me. Also I'm three. (Courtney laughs) - I wanna travel, like to Chuck E. Cheese. (Angela laughs) - What if he saw the Reddit post and just didn't say anything to her? 'Cause like this feels
very out of the blue. - I know, and it feels like he's
like looked up every reason to break up with someone
and just used them all. - I feel like, yeah, these just seem like, but I think if he saw the Reddit post, he could just tell her like, "Hey, I saw the Reddit post
and I'm breaking up with you." - He said, "Hey, I turned on my computer." - I think him not feeling like
she's the one makes sense. Like, he probably in his position
felt like she wasn't like, you know, when you want
someone, you wanna shine and you want your people in your life to like wanna bask in
your life, not dim it. And like maybe he just was feeling that when he would go (kisses) And she would go, "For Christ's
sake, Kevin," you know? Like, he probably felt dimmed by her. - Oh. - And so it's like, it's fair. It does sound like they just
weren't on the same page. - I just don't think they're
right for each other. Yeah, I can't make fun of him too much for acting like a little baby when this is currently my pad time. - You're on iPad time. Pad time. - Pad. iPad time. - Shayne is a professional iPad kid. - I'm an iPad kid just... Imagine you see a kid at like a restaurant and they're on their iPad, and
you look and it's like this. (everyone laughs) And you're like, "What the (beep)" - Oh my god! - What are you doing? - Every kid in a restaurant is usually watching like
"Finding Nemo" or "Cars," but you look over and they're coding. - This kid's over here and
he is just like, "Asshole. "Not the asshole." - [Courtney] Oh my god. - That'd be nuts. - He goes, "Update. There's an update." - Update.
- Update. (Shayne imitates fart) (everyone laughs) Update, I pooped myself. Next story. This is a 30-year-old man. "My wife, who's 28, and I are rowing "about my brother-in-law's gift, "a painting of us in medieval costume." Okay, so they are- - What's rowing mean? - They're fighting. - Oh. - So I think this is in the UK. - Oh, they're having a row. - They're having a row. Rowing. So this is in the UK
somewhere, I'm assuming. "So my brother-in-law is
a decent amateur artist, "but nothing great. "This Christmas, he was
short of money, I imagine. "He is a PhD student. "So he decided to paint
us a surprise gift. "The painting is of my wife and I dressed "as a medieval knight and lady. "I have been told "that it is because my wife
likes 'The Ballad of Tamelin' "and I'm a fan of Pre-Raphaelites. "Both of those things are true, "but I can't see their influence in it. "So it does look like
me, and it is flattering. "However, it doesn't
look like my wife at all, "which she admits to an extent. "It looks like a much older woman. "Also, the people are a
bit out of proportion. "It looks like the kind of thing "incredibly self-obsessed
people in films might have. "It is laughable to think
someone might have a portrait "of themselves on the wall
dressed as a knight or a lady. "I'm not into the whole
fantasy thing either. "I'm absolutely certain
that people will laugh at it "and then at us for it. "On seeing it, "my initial reaction was
that he was trolling us "and that no one in their right mind "could believe we would want such a thing. "He has been to our house "and he knows that we are
very choosy with our art, "which is original by professionals "and nothing like what he has given us. "Apparently my wife thinks we
should actually display it, "but the mere sight of it makes me cringe. "It is totally hateful to me." Damn. - What the hell? - "So my wife is angry at my reaction "because he has put a lot of work into it, "which I won't deny. "She wants an apology
for being unpleasant. "I need to clarify. "He wasn't there when I first saw it. "She brought it home. "I feel like if I back down, "then the damn thing will be on my wall, "and I can't tolerate it
being anywhere in view. "I know it is unreasonable to
actually ask to throw it away, "but I hard veto people
being able to see it. "Also, my reaction was honest. "I do hate it. "I'm willing to accept that
he didn't do it deliberately, "but I struggle to think of a
gift I could have hated more. "Basically, I feel "that it will make us
the butt of the joke. "And I don't want that to
happen in my own house. "Thoughts?" - [Courtney] My god. - Edit, "Can't stress enough. "I have not spoken to my
bro in-law about this. "Just between my wife and I. "Also, great for you if
you would hang it up. "I don't want to. "It's in my house, "and I feel entitled to
decorate it my own way." Damn, dude. - Why is he so worked up about it? - You are a piece of shit, man. It's one of those things that if I saw, it's kind of funny. - Yeah. It's fun. - Even if it's really well done or not, it's just like, "Oh, it's you as knights." - Yeah, I have a friend who's married and they have like
renaissance style paintings, like photoshopped on their walls of them, and it's hilarious. - I've seen that type of stuff too. I don't think anything of it. People are allowed to have
whatever kind of art they want in their house. - He's mad that she wants it up? Or he's just mad at it? - [Courtney] Both. - Both, but he definitely
doesn't want it up because he's like,
"Everyone's gonna laugh at it "and laugh at us." - How many people are
coming through your house? - Yeah, and like how
judgmental are your friends? - And it's not like it's gonna be fricking on the front door. - [Shayne] Yeah. - Like, why we have art where it's like, "Oh, this is my favorite piece. "I'm gonna put it in the living room "where everyone can see." And then there's like, "Oh, here's just like
this silly one that I like "or whatever and I'm gonna
hang it like in the bathroom," you know? Like, there's places to put it. And him saying like, "I won't deny that this person
worked so hard on this," but it's like, okay, you're
very unempathetically admitting that this person put
a lot of work into it. - I know. And it's, yeah, and the crazy
thing is that after this, you know, he won't age,
but the portrait will, and that might be more upsetting to him. - I don't get it. Is that a movie reference? - It's a "Portrait of Dorian Gray" joke. - Oh. I didn't catch that. - Sick, dude. - Is this a Benjamin Button joke? - I made an Oscar Wilde joke. He's immortal, but he has
a painting in his attic that constantly ages and gets
more decrepit and that's what- - God, that just got so many views, and I'm just in the video live. You know what I mean? (everyone laughs) An Oscar Wilde joke.
I'm feeling the clicks. (everyone laughs) Boy, if that's not the
promo, I don't know what is! - You're not invited to
Sniper Chess part two. - Hey! (everyone laughs) Don't joke like that! - You're not coming to the next battle. Some comments here. "I don't know, man. "Maybe I'm just weird, "but it sounds like a
pretty cool, hilarious gift. "Sure, something you'd probably
hang on the bathroom door "because it fits absolutely
nowhere, but still." And someone said, "Surely you have an out of
the way spot you can hang it. "Pretty egocentric to think it is meant "as a personal insult to you. "Be a gracious brother-in-law and chill." OP responded saying,
"I'm willing to accept "that the initial
reaction was over the top. "That said, it is hard
to think of something "I would find less appealing." Damn. Minus 37, 37 down votes on that. Chat or the comments hate this guy. - Yeah, what an ego. My goodness. - Someone said, "'I don't want to. "'It is my house, "'and I feel entitled to
decorate it my own way.' "Where does your wife live?"
is what the comment says. Yeah, I agree. - This feels like one of those guys that like gets mad at you when you post a picture on your Instagram that's just like kind of
not flattering to him. Like, "You should have checked in with me "before you posted that. "I look awful." - No, this just guy just
sounds like a bummer. - [Angela] Yeah. Bummer. - Sounds like an absolute bummer. - Have you ever gotten
a gift that you hated? - The only time, and I feel bad 'cause I
genuinely thought it was a joke, when I was a kid, when I was like 10, someone got me a Mary
Kate and Ashley poster. And I was like, your
stereotypical just like, I liked video games and stuff. So I remember getting
it, and I kinda laughed. I was just like, "Oh, this is funny. "This is like a funny joke." And my mom was like, "Don't. Don't." And I was like, "Oh, yeah." - That's bizarre.
- What? - I was like, "Oh yeah, like sick." Honestly today I wish I'd kept it because a Mary Kate and
Ashley poster's pretty cool. - Pretty legit.
- Pretty sick. - That's aged very well. But no, but I wasn't
like, "What the (beep)" I was like, "Oh, ha ha." - It is kind of funny to think
that like OP really thinks, or at least thought for a while, that this guy was like painting
this painting and like, "Ha ha ha, I'm gonna make him
so mad with this painting." - [Angela] Oh yeah. (Shayne cackles) - I'm gonna make his
head just a little to big for his body.
- I'm gonna ruin him. Yeah. Also, someone painting a
picture of you is so cool. - Huge. - That means a lot. - Yeah, someone painted a
picture of me and them together. And it's not the best, but
I have it to this very day. 'Cause it's like, that's so cool. - [Shayne] I love that stuff. - It was like in our high
school, and it was so cool. I was like, "Whoa, you painted us." - That's a lot of dedication
and stuff, you know? Like, people do a lot of fan art of us, and I always think it's really cool. - Oh yeah.
- Yeah. You can kind of tell just
like right out the gate that this guy was a jerk. He's like, "Yeah, he's an artist but
like not anything of note." Like, was very- - Yeah, he's a douche. - He's like, "Yeah, we
have art in our place, "but it's by professionals." - They're originals by professionals. Like, you're a (beep) (beep) you, dude. - Like, he's leaving no
room for compromise either. - He's making baby talk
guy look like the bachelor. - He should try being in a thumbnail. You learn to get over it real quick. (everyone laughs) - Next story. This is from Am I The Asshole. "Am I the asshole for
feeding my dog table scraps "from a dinner my boyfriend made for us?" Huh. Okay. "I, a 24-year-old woman, have
been dating Jay, who's 28, "for four months. "He is handsome, smart,
funny, well educated, "has an awesome job, and is a sweetheart. "On Sunday, he had a
whole day planned for us. "We were going to walk on a nature trail "and then go back to his place
for dinner he was making. "I was so excited "because it was going to
be the first time I'd be "at his house. "Since we were hiking, "he said I could bring
my dog Shelby with us. "He made us a roast and
some vegetables for dinner. "I finished my plate before Jay did "and took it to the kitchen. "There was still about
half the roast left, "and it was close to Shelby's dinnertime, "so I took a quarter of the roast "and some still raw
vegetables from the fridge "to put on a plate for Shelby. "I was carrying the plate
to the back door with Shelby "to feed her outside and Jay
asked me what I was doing. "I told him I was feeding Shelby. "Jay said something like,
'Well, that's not dog food.' "Jay knows I mainly
feed Shelby a raw diet. "I opened the door to put
the plate down for Shelby, "and Jay got up and took
the plate away from her." - Oh.
- Oh. - "He went to the kitchen "and came back with it
wrapped up in tinfoil "and told me to leave." (Courtney gasps) "His excuse was that he
made dinner for me and him, "not me, him, and my dog, "and that I should have
asked before I helped myself "since he would've used his leftovers. "I did leave, but not before telling him "that he made that meal for us, "so I could do with
some of it as I pleased, "and that he knows damn
well how I feed Shelby. "I tried talking to my friend
about it later that night, "but she said Jay was right to be upset. "However, this friend
has never really approved "of how I treat my own dog, "so I feel like she was
probably a bit biased "and the wrong person to ask. "Am I the asshole "for just feeding my dog
like I normally would? "Clarification, she does not
get restaurant food daily. "I eat out maybe four times a month. "If what I eat is dog safe "or the restaurant makes
food for dogs on request, "then I bring some home for her. "Shelby's daily meals
are a bit of brown rice, "raw vegetables, ground chicken
hearts, and beef livers. "The hearts and livers are boiled "just enough to kill bacteria, "and that is all with the
approval of Shelby's vet. "I asked Jay how he prepared the roast, "so I could know if it
was safe to give her. "That's also why I got her
fresh unused vegetables "from the fridge." What a crazy reaction. - Yeah. - Oh my god, man. - I thought she had a little
bit of roast on her plate left. - [Angela] And she gave it. - Some of it to the dog. But if she took some of the actual roast- - It depends on the amount that she was about to give her dog 'cause there was half of it left. And if she's going and
taking like a ton of it, I kind of get that. His response was- - She's taking a half of what was left. - You'd catch me across
the kitchen island going, "Good to give Shelby some of the roast?" - Yeah.
- [Courtney] Yeah. - I feel like always communication, especially when it comes to food. It just is always like a thing of like, "Hey, like is it cool if I do this?" - Yeah, 'cause he could have
had like meal prepping in mind. That could have been like
his food for the week, and like yeah, it just
wasn't communicated. But for him to... - Grab it from Shelby. - I know. - He went on the ground,
and he went, "No." - Yeah, it's so sad. - So she took a quarter of the, she took half of what
was left of the roast to take to her dog. I mean, that's a lot of food. I'm assuming Shelby's a big dog if she's eating like a
human-sized portion of food. - Yeah.
- Yeah, sounds like a lot. - But I think that she didn't ask is, I think that's a little bit shitty 'cause it's just like,
hey, like that's not, yeah, if she took it from her own plate, if she was like feeding her dog, whatever. But she went back into the kitchen and took more of his food. This is her first time at his place. I just am like, whether I even think
you're the asshole or not, I'm just like, just ask. Like, that's just like- - Yeah. - Etiquette a little bit. And I'm someone who has no problem if people feed their dogs table scraps. I don't think there's
anything wrong with that. - It's their dog. - It's their dog, they're
allowed to feed 'em whatever. That's not the issue. It's just like, hey, just maybe ask. - 'Cause if she's asking him
how he prepared the roast in order to feed it to Shelby- - That was the opportunity to bring it up. - That was the time to just
slide it in there and be like, "Is it okay if I feed Shelby?" - Yeah, and I don't
love that she titled it, "Feeding my dog table scraps." - Yeah, 'cause that's not- - That's not what- - That changed the meaning of the story. - That's not the reality. And I'm always when it comes
to Am I The Asshole posts, if you are trying to manipulate
the language in your post, I'm like, "Hey, even if I don't
think you're in the wrong, "I think you're an asshole
for how you wrote this story." - Yeah, if it said, "Am I the asshole "for feeding half the
roast my boyfriend prepared "to my dog?" - Exactly. - [Angela] Then it'd be different, yeah. - Okay, so there's some comments here. Someone said, "Info. "So hold on. "Did you give your dog
some from your plate "that wasn't eaten or did
you grab from the leftovers? "Because there's definitely a difference "between table scraps and just grabbing "from the leftovers he
might have had plans for. "Also, why not ask? "Him kicking you out was probably harsh "and you guys should have communicated, "but it all could have been
avoided if you had asked." - [Courtney] Yeah. - She responded, "It was
the roast we hadn't eaten. "I consider that table scraps. "If it was something
she couldn't have eaten, "I would've asked him if he
had something she could eat "or left earlier so
she could eat on time." 2,479 down votes on that. - [Courtney] Whoa. (Angela laughs) I consider half a pound
of meat table scraps. - Yeah, that's (beep) insane. That's also, you know,
it's like, oh, that's food. That's a lot of money. Buying a whole roast and
making that is like money that he's spent that's like, hey, like that could cover him for days. He doesn't have to buy more food. - [Angela] Yeah. - Someone said, "Info. "Why didn't you ask? "I'd be hesitant to let
dogs have certain things too "'cause depending on the
seasoning and the veggies, "there are some things
that dogs can't eat." She said, "I did ask him
how the roast was made "when we got back to his place, "but I didn't know how he
had prepared the vegetables, "which was the main reason
I got the raw vegetables "from the fridge. "He's seen me order extra
portions of vegetables or meat "with very specific
instructions on our dates "for the purpose of my
leftovers being given to Shelby. "So I figured he had to know "I would've been giving her some." 2,598 down votes. Yeah, so I figured he would know. It's like, you're at someone's house. - [Courtney] Yeah. - Like, be a little more
respectful is my take. - And beyond taking the
already made pot roast, lame, but then to go into his
fridge, take his groceries. - And they said they've been
dating for like four months. - Yeah, no, I think she's super entitled. - She's getting super comfortable. And yeah, I mean, calling like
that much meat table scraps, super entitled. Like, and it's so interesting now hearing how she orders extra vegetables with very specific instructions, so that she can feed her
dog with the restaurant. It's like this person, yeah,
it's an entitlement to me. - It's absolutely entitled. I think when you're visiting someone, their fridge is like a very, that's a very important thing to me of like I don't just reach
in and grab people's food. - No. - You have to really, once you are really
established with someone, yeah. But first time, first time at his place. - Yeah. - And you're just reaching
on in and just grabbing shit. I'm like, damn. This for me personally, huge red flag. - No, for sure. - I'd be like (beep) - Going into your fridge. That almost kinda reminds me of like when people are in your car. I don't know how you guys feel about this. When someone's in your car and any, like Chanse will be in my car and he'll adjust the
volume and he can do that 'cause he's been in my
car a billion times. - [Shayne] Sure. - But when someone's
never been in your car and they just turn it up for you. - Oh, yeah, no. - I'm like, that's fridge. Don't. Get your hands off. - I think it's like, you ask. It's like, "Hey, can we do that?" - [Angela] Turn it up. - [Courtney] Yeah, yeah. - But like, just having the audacity to just stick your hands
in someone else's stuff. - The title had me thinking
like, "Oh yeah, you're fine." But honestly, the story- - [Courtney] Like, letting
them lick your plate. - I think she's an asshole. - I think she's an asshole. I think it's a soft
everyone sucks here because- - His response was- - His reaction was a lot. Kicking her out. - [Angela] Yeah. - And just taking the food
away from the dog is like, it's just like, okay, that makes you look a little bit bad too. - My only defense is that sometimes with Am I The Asshole
posts when they're like, "All I did was this, and
they responded like crazy." - [Angela] You're so right. - I'm like, what actually happened? - [Courtney] True. - Like, how much worse was this than you're saying that it was? 'Cause you already
titled it as table scraps and now all this stuff. I think maybe he was closer to... - And the way that she's like,
"I tried to talk to him," like, it's like, okay, it doesn't sound like it went very well. - But we'll see because there's an update. - Oh!
- Oh! Let Shelby speak! (laughs) - By the way, the verdict was asshole. - [Angela] Okay. - So let's see. (Courtney barks) - Sorry. - Update. "I accept that I'm the asshole "for what I said and did to Jay. "Some of these responses were harsh, "but I see now how and why I was entitled. "Thanks to people that
responded to the actual issue. "Others going on about her
diet, thanks for the concern, "but I came here to ask about Jay, "not get into a debate about dog foods. "Shelby's been on her diet for six years "and is a healthy and active puppo. "That's all I and my vet need to know. "As for Jay, I apologized to him, "and he did accept my
apology, but he broke it off. "He said it was the last straw for him "over me doing things
without asking first." - Oh. - "He has talked to me about
taking things off his plate "or his drink without asking before. "I've tried to do better,
but keep slipping up." (beep) you.
- Huh? Keep slipping up? Oh. Oh no. Oh.
- Hey! - Oh no. - Oh, I'm so sorry. I pooped myself. - You slipped up again
and took my hair tie. (everyone laughs) - "I didn't realize I
was that bad about it, "so I'm going to work on
myself for the next guy. "For people that said
not going to his place "for four months was a red flag, "that was my decision that he respected. "I don't want to go to someone's house "or let them know where I live "during the first few months of dating "and getting to know each other." - [Courtney] Okay. - Okay. - Whatever, dude. - [Shayne] Okay, dude. - Okay, go wash your vegetables. - I knew it. I knew it. This was the last straw. There's always more shit. - Yeah, this is not
about your dating life. She's like, "I'm gonna be
better for my next boyfriend." No, just be better period. It sounds like you're just a very, yeah. (everyone laughs) Very just, you gotta- - Yeah. - Gotta be more aware of your surroundings with other people. Geez. - That's wild. - Taking off his plate? Whoa! Not my president. (everyone laughs) - It also makes me feel
like a bad dog owner. Next time I'm at like
an Italian restaurant, I'm gonna be like, "How's the meatballs prepared for my dog?" (Courtney laughs) He's not here right now, but
how do you marinate the sauce? - My Italian bulldog likes meatballs. - My half alive Chihuahua
wants some of the sausage. (everyone laughs) - All right, next story. Another Am I The Asshole and this was reposted
on Am I The Devil, so... - Oh. - We'll see. "Am I the asshole for
making a personal joke "during an improv comedy show?" Let's go. (everyone laughs) - Let's go. - Let's go! - Giddy up. - I feel like we always
have stories where I'm like, "Oh, I don't feel like I can say, "I don't feel like I can speak on. "I'm not a professional." If we're talking improv comedy... (Angela laughs) I'm annoying enough to talk about that. I've been through my fair
share of improv shows. - Yeah. I'm gonna say, yeah. - Can we get some suggestions
from the audience? Poop! - A poopy pants. - Here we go. You're already an asshole
for being an improviser. - Stop. - And then more of an asshole for being an improviser on Reddit. (everyone laughs) - Wow. - Awooga. - Fighting an uphill battle here. "Hi, Reddit. "Throwaway because my boyfriend
knows my main account. "I need your honest opinions on this. "My boyfriend, who's 28, and I, who's 26, "were on a cruise to celebrate
our two year anniversary. "There was an open mic comedy night, "and I decided to try my hand at it. "I've always been told I'm
funny, so I thought, why not?" (beep) This is so rough already. It's on a cruise? How do we keep layering this? - I love cruises. I would die to be there. - This is a cringe lasagna at this point. "My routine was going pretty
well, and people were laughing. "My boyfriend was in the
crowd cheering me on, "and everything was great. "I decided to spice things up "by making some self-deprecating jokes "about our relationship. "And that's when things went south." My boyfriend's tiny (beep) Let me tell you. - Stop. (Angela laughs) - "I started by talking about how we met, "and then started getting
into the funny quirks "of our relationship. "It was lighthearted at first, "but then I made a joke about his size." (beep) called it! I (beep) called it!
- You freaking knew it! Of course it's about his size! - 'Cause what else is it gonna be about? - Oh. - "It was lighthearted at first, "but then I made a joke about his size. "Let's just say he's not
the most well endowed guy "in the world." - Oh no. - "I won't repeat it here, "but let's just say it
was a bit explicit." - Oh god. - It's anonymous, and you're
not gonna just say it? Okay. - She goes, "Let's show the pics." (everyone laughs) - "The room went silent for a moment, "but then people started laughing. "I thought it was a hit. "My boyfriend however looked mortified. "I quickly moved on to other jokes, "but I could tell he was upset. "After the show, he
confronted me about it. "He said he felt humiliated and betrayed, "and he couldn't believe I would
share something so personal "with a room full of strangers. "I tried to explain
that it was just a joke, "and that's what comedians
do, but he wasn't having it." (Courtney laughs) - I'm sorry. - Babe, I'm a comedian. That's what we do. - She went on one stage for five minutes. Changed her life. - I'm just imagining the
Joker meme of him like... (Angela laughs) - She's got the newsies
cap on all of a sudden. She's like, "I'm a comedian." - She watched one episode
of "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel," and she's like, "I got this." - Yep. - "We had a big fight about it, "and I ended up spending the
night in a friend's cabin. "The rest of the cruise was tense, "and he barely spoke to me." (Courtney gasps) "I'm home now and we're
still not talking." - [Courtney] Ooh.
- Eee! - "I've been thinking a
lot about what happened, "and I can't decide if I
was really wrong or not. "I was just trying to be funny, "and I didn't think he
would take it so seriously. "I didn't mean to hurt him, "but now I'm worried I've
ruined our relationship "over a stupid joke. "So, Reddit, am I the asshole "for making fun of my boyfriend's size "during a comedy show on a cruise?" I have to assume you're the asshole if the joke was so explicit
you can't say it on Reddit on an anonymous account. - Yeah. Wow. - Then I think you went overboard. And I've said it before, but like jokes about people's bodies, you're 99.9% certain
for it not to go well. - Yeah. - Especially about your partner, and it's in a room full of strangers. There's no- - And your partner's right there. - And it's on a cruise. You know, like, you're not getting paid. Like, what are you doing? - Yeah, you really risked it all. - Yeah. I think we talked about
somebody making a (beep) joke- - This is not the first. This is like the third (beep) we've had. - I remember like we were talking about, like it really is like our
generation like growing out of it because we did grow up on movies where that was a joke a lot. But I do think in like five
years, kids are gonna be like, "Why would you make fun
of their size like that?" You know what I mean? Like it's just-
- Yeah. - It's so bad. It's so rude. - It's insane. And yeah, honestly, if
I was in that situation, I'm gonna be mainly trying
to say jokes for my partner in that situation. You know, like it's a
room full of strangers. - 'Cause what, are you
gonna book another gig on the carnival? - [Courtney] Yeah. Yeah. - Things are looking up for me here. - Like, she said self-deprecating
and then just fully- - Wasn't self-deprecating. - No, it was boyfriend deprecating. And you know that the audience,
she probably was like, "My boyfriend's in the audience,"
and they're like, "Oh." Like, so the whole audience
was aware he was there. He's being objectified
in front of everybody. If I was in his position and like my partner went in
front of a group of people that were like there to have some laughs and they started making fun of my anatomy, I would feel so violated. And it's like a lot of strangers that like you then have to
spend the rest of the cruise. It's not like one like standup show in LA where it's like a ton of people
you might never see again. It's like we're living with all
these people for a few days. - Oh my gosh, yeah. He's gonna go to the jacuzzi
and like they're gonna be like, "Hey, it's small (beep) guy." - Yeah, like, "Hey,
Henry, look, it's that guy "who has the small penis." - And also like, it is a known, like a lot of comics will
make fun of their partners like in a way, and I'm sure the good ones
are running it by their people before they do like a special. - Oh, totally. - They're gonna be like, "Hey, I'm gonna make fun of
the kids the whole time, okay?" Like, you know, like it's
just crazy to just do it for the first time.
- [Shayne] Right. - She really risked it all. - Oh, totally. Well, also the thing to consider whenever you're making a joke
about someone's body is like, even if it's like, oh, but
they're totally cool with it. If you're making a joke or an insult about some
part of the human body, that joke isn't just for that one person. It's for anyone else who shares
that same physical trait. - Good way of putting it. - I heard that a lot when
people were talking about like, when people would make fun of politicians and then suddenly like
they would make fat jokes about a politician. They're like, "Well, he's awful, "so I'm gonna make a fat joke about him." It's like you're making
fun of anyone who's- - That's so true. - And that politician's not gonna hear it, but your friends who feel
that insecure about it are gonna hear it. And so he wasn't probably
the only person in the room who probably was like affected by that. - True. - And I think the best jokes, like sometimes the best standup is like really good observational
comedy where it's like, wow, they just said something
that I see all the time, and I've never thought of it that way. And I'm like, the best you got is to go, "That thing that should
be bigger is small"? Great. Really great. - It's a weak joke. - Joke as old as time. Yeah. - It's what is referred to a lot as like the lowest common
denominator of just like, you're going for the easiest nothing joke. That's not a joke. You're not a comedian. You're just throwing out something. - Also, the fact that she's
like, "It got really quiet, "but then a couple people
laughed, so I think it killed." Like, literally said that. Bro... - And also like, no, this
wasn't a real standup show because I have only heard, and I have a lot of
friends who do standup, the first time you do
standup, you're gonna bomb. Like, if you're genuinely
in a real situation where you're really doing
it, it's not gonna go well. This was a bunch of
people who were just like- - [Courtney] Are drunk. - She could've said jokes about anything. They're all just having a good time. Like, dude, say cruise jokes. Say dumb jokes about stuff
that's been happening. - OP, we have notes. - OP, we'd love to have you
on a "Try Not To Laugh." (everyone laughs) - Oh my god. Some comments here. "You're the asshole. "Professional comedians
make jokes like that "because it's their job "and likely have talked to
their partners about the jokes. "Talking about that without
his knowledge on a cruise "where he is trapped with the
audience is really not cool." Someone else said, "You're the asshole. "How would you feel if he got up there "and made fun of your looks "or anything you were insecure about?" Someone else said, "You're the asshole. "Jesus. "I would've broken up with you on the spot "and swam to the nearest shore." (Courtney laughs) This boat pretty big,
unlike my boyfriend's (beep) - And that's our time, folks. - We'll see you later. ♪ Ba da ba boo ♪ (everyone laughs) I'm off to the bathroom. (everyone laughs) This episode of "Reddit Stories"
is brought to you by Aura. You know, the holidays are a
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off their best selling frames. Terms and conditions apply. Next story from Am I The
Asshole and also Am I The Devil. - Oh boy. - A double feature. - Round two. - Uh-oh. "Am I the asshole for
calling out my girlfriend "over her cat obsession?" - Uh-oh. - So this a 36-year-old man. "I'm not kidding, my girlfriend, who's 35, "is obsessed with her cat,
a 10-year-old male cat "if you're interested. "Dating for three years,
living together for two. "Since the pandemic,
I've been home a lot more "and have realized "just how cat crazed my
girlfriend really is. "They do everything together. "She doesn't need an alarm "because he wakes her up at 7:30 every day "by sitting on her chest "and gently nudging
her face with his nose. "He eats his breakfast
while she eats hers. "If we're watching TV, he's in her lap. "If she's working at her desk,
he's in her chair with her "or chilling nearby. "If he acts even a little weird,
like hiding in the closet, "which I guess he normally doesn't do, "she's on the phone to the vet. "She even takes him for
walks with a little harness, "which I used to think was kind of cute "until I realized it
just meant her obsession "would not just be limited
to inside of the house. "Don't get me wrong, I like the cat. "He's a chill cat. "Doesn't mess stuff up around the house, "very friendly and clean. "But sometimes I would like to
have my girlfriend to myself. "I've tried closing the
bedroom door at night, "but the little Houdini got in somehow, "and I woke up to him smiling at me smugly "from atop my girlfriend's tits." (Angela laughs) "Anytime I mention toning
it down with the cat, "she gets all hurt and makes excuses, "like how she's had him
since he was a kitten, "and they've been through a lot together. "She's even gone as far as
to say he was her lifeline "during a period of major
depression in her late 20s. "Every time I back down and say, "'Okay, I get it, he's family.' "The final straw came when we were talking "about relocating together
to another country. "She wants to limit
our search to countries "that don't make pets fly under the plane, "ruling out a ton of good countries. "I finally stood up to her, "told her pets fly under
planes all the time, "and it's perfectly safe. "Told her she was limiting our options "due to her own anxiety,
not the cat's safety. "He wouldn't be any
safer purring at her feet "while she pet him the entire flight. "She tried to argue
that he's a senior pet, "but I didn't back down. "What the (beep) "He's 10. "I showed her tons of airline literature "about pet safe flying
programs and whatnot. "She tried to argue that
physical safety isn't the same "as psychological safety "and that she thinks it
would be too traumatizing "for the cat to go under the plane. "Here's where I might be the asshole. "I gave her a list of my top countries, "all of which would require
the cat to go under the plane. "I told her that I
wanted a future with her, "but that I thought she
needed to get serious help "for her obsession with her cat "and to let me know when/if
she decided to get that help "so we could move forward with our lives. "The ball's in her court. "I've been staying with a buddy, "but it's been about a
week and she hasn't called, "so I'm starting to wonder "if I should have helped
her find a therapist "before I left?" (Courtney groans) Dude, what the (beep) - Has he like ever heard
of like pets before? (crew laughs) - Yeah, it's also just like
him thinking he can force her to change. It's like she very clearly,
this is who she is. You gotta accept that or
you need to walk away. He's thinking he can force her to change. - You have an older pet. - Yeah, I have an older pet. And it's just, it's weird
that it's all about the move. You know what I mean? - [Shayne] Yeah. - I do understand a relationship where the pet is
prioritized maybe a little, like when the partner's
like, "I wanna be number one, "not the cat." Like, I get that. - [Shayne] Sure. - Or like, yeah, but oof. This whole like, "These are the 10
countries I wanna move to. "I didn't put one that
the cat can be in the-" - Yeah, he's being shitty. - Like, could you pick one? - He's being manipulative,
I think with that. And I do agree. I do agree. But I agree that there are people who, it's more that I'm like,
that's part of who you are with how your relationship
with your pets are. And if it's not in line with
how you have relationships with pets, then I think
that's an okay deal breaker. But he's trying to, I think he's trying to
put the onus on her. And him being like, "You
need to get a therapist." And him now being like, "Oh, I'm worried she's
gonna break up with me. "What should I do?" It's like, well, then no. - Yeah, and it's all on the
move, which is weird to me. Like, I really think like
in a balanced relationship, he could have like a real say and be like, "Hey, this cat's coming between us." I get that. But if you're just like, "There's no room in our
future for this cat. "Like, he cannot get on the plane." - Also, he's trying to make her look bad by saying how unhealthy their
relationship with this pet is, but he goes on to describe
every normal thing that every person with a pet has. Like, the cat eats when she eats. The cat's in her lap
when they're watching TV. The cat's around her a lot. - Oof, don't tell him that
my dog bed's near my bed. - Yeah. - He'll freak out. - And like the fact that he wants to get
some alone time with her. It's like, okay, like is this cat affecting
your guys' love life? Doesn't seem like it because he just wanted the
cat to be out of the room when they slept, 'cause he's like, "I woke up and the cat
was there, and I'm mad." It's like, oh no, did that like suddenly cancel
out the sleep you just had? I don't understand the issue here. - He's controlling, I think. - And it actually is really scary and can be very dangerous for
pets to be under the plane. Like, I've heard so many horrible stories. We've seen the news about
dogs dying in those rides. Like, it's not safe. And like when I had a
dog for a short time, I made sure to do everything that I could so that I didn't have to do that because like airlines are just unfair and shitty for that reason. - Yeah, he posted on r/askvet if it was safe to put a cat
in the cargo hold of a plane, and all of the responses
said no, it was not safe. - Yeah. - This guy had, like he just
was so just self-serving this whole story, like,
did not even bother to actually consider reality. - Well, at the end of the
day, she set a boundary. She was like, "No, I'm not doing that." And he's just pushing at it. - Yeah. Is this a recent like- - We don't know the date. - But either way I asked that because I've noticed a couple
of my friends have like, I think since the pandemic, so many of my friends need
their pets in big ways 'cause we went through a legit pandemic. - That's true. - So sometimes I see some
of my friends being like, "Oh, I don't wanna travel anymore "'cause I wanna go with my dog
or I wanna go with my cat." And I think when you're someone's
partner in that situation, you gotta have more grace than like- - And remember the pandemic was a blip in that person's relationship with the cat 'cause this cat is 10 years old. - [Angela] Yeah. - And she's like, it's my lifeline, which is also another very normal thing for a pet to be for people. - Especially if like yeah,
she's maybe just been her and her cat for 10 years. - That's what I'm saying. - They've gone through a lot together. - [Angela] A bigger deal. - And he's like, "Yeah, yeah,
yeah, they're family, but..." Like, I don't know. - Yeah, I mean, look, and people can have
different relationships. Like, people can have different
views of pets and animals, but like I am someone who I
am more like her than him, where I'm like I view a cat- - [Courtney] True. - I view a pet as very much like, oh dude, like I'm gonna fucking hang
out with them all the time if I can. And I care about their mental state. Like, for me, yeah, it's
also, I agree with her. I'm like, I don't want my pet
to go through a bunch of shit. I would feel awful about it. I'm gonna avoid that if I can. And he seems to kind of
just really view a pet as just like that's just an animal. He kind seems to me as one of those types. And that's a deal breaker. And I'm surprised she's
tolerated his point of view unless he hasn't been honest with her. - Well, it sounds like she's not 'cause she hasn't talked
to him in a while. - I think he might be the ex already. There's some comments here. "You're the asshole. "How dare she have a bond with her pet? "Seriously, dude, most
pet owners are like that. "You seriously can't expect
her to just stop loving "and taking care of her cat
because you were jealous of it. "She might be better off without you." Someone else said, "You're the asshole, "and she called your bluff, bud. "You sound jealous of a cat. "Cat. "You're the one who
needs to get a therapist "and tone it down if
you can't handle a kitty "on your girlfriend's boobs. "Jeebus." (Courtney laughs) Someone said, "Little FYI, "your post has also been
cross posted to Am I The Devil "just in case you're wondering "just how much of an
asshole you are/were." OP responded, "Wait, really?" (everyone laughs) - Wait, really? - Wait, really?
- Wait, really? - Yeah. I mean, but also for sure. That's another instant asshole
for me is if you say like, "If this doesn't work
for you, this is over." If you're giving someone an
ultimatum and they go okay, and then you're like,
"Wait, hold on, what?" Like, I'm like, oh (beep) Don't say that unless you mean it. - Yeah, it feels weird that
he's like so staunch on it and like these are my top 10 countries and none of them have the cat. It's like, what do you want? What do you want? - It feels like they're at a
perfect place for a breakup. He's gonna move across the
country, and she's gonna stay. - Yeah, clean break. - Clean break. - Well, let's find out
'cause there's an update. - Oh whoa whoa.
- Okay, meow. Ew. (laughs) - I always love when the
updates start like this. "I get it. I'm the asshole. "The hugest (beep) A you have ever seen "and possibly some kind of deviant "who compares dicks with a cat." - Okay. - "10 is a senior cat. "It's not perfectly safe for
pets to fly under planes. "And my girl is not
crazy for loving her cat. "I called her this morning and apologized. "She said she needs time to think. "At a kind person's suggestion, "I sent her a link to my
public Reddit shaming. "I am now going to go hide under the bed "in the hope she notices
my strange behavior." - Like a cat? - "And still cares enough
to call the vet on me. "Final update. "Jesus, (beep) you guys. "She dumped me, okay? "Are you happy now?" (everyone laughs) - [Courtney] Oh my god! - Final, final update. (whines) (everyone laughs) (Courtney groans) (Shayne groans) - Oh my! - What a dude. (Angela laughs) Shayne. What a... - What a dude. - [Courtney] What a guy. Oh please. - Wow. But I love the Reddit stories when there's like literally a dialogue and the asshole like learns. - You have it all. I love when you have it all. - I love when you have it all. What a full arc. - I love that she stood
up for her kitty cat. - Yeah. Oh my god. - That's the definition of
stepping your (beep) up. - Jeez, (beep) you guys. - Jeez Louise, I get it. (everyone laughs) - You don't mess with people's
animals and their bond. That's it. End of story. - Yeah, straight up, man. Straight up. - You don't. That is like- - It's like one of those
things like you should, like they're part of the relationship. - It's medicine. It's therapy. It's a way for people to like
get through hard shit in life. Back off! - Yeah, and I would say a pet, because I've been trying
to think about this 'cause relationship with
pets are such a unique thing. And I would say it's like
what's different about it from, in my view and how I see it, is a person's relationship
with their pet is like, like a pet is part of who they are. And so if you're disrespecting
their relationship with their pet, you're kind of just directly
disrespecting them, you know? - I know people don't like
to compare them to kids, but it is like, it's as close
as it gets without being one just to some situations. - I almost view it as like one
in the same as that person. Like, to me, like, you know, people in our office have their dogs, and I'm just like, that is just like, that's like part of them. That's part of their character. - Yeah. - That I see. - Like in "The Golden Compass." - Well, it's like when you buy,
you know, when you buy a toy and it's like an action figure and it comes with like an animal? It's like, 'cause that's a package deal. - Yeah, and I feel this good
about like single women, like in their 20s or whatever. I don't know. Just like their pet. When you're living alone, I don't know, it's just like, it's your guy. - Yeah. - It's your little bud. - It's your rock. - [Shayne] Yeah. - It's so much more than
just like a little character that's running around, you know? Like, they are emotional
security in a way, physical security and all. Not like this cat's gonna
beat up a burglar, but like- - It's her alarm clock. - It's her alarm clock.
It's her alarm system. - Wake up. That's so cute. - I also think something we've covered in these types of posts is
in relationships and stuff, it's not just about loving and respecting the person you're with, but it's about loving and
respecting the things they love and respect. - True. - You know, and doing
that is almost sometimes more disrespectful than anything. - That's someone that's on Reddit a lot. - My neck beard grows and I'm
like, "Oh no, no, no, no!" (everyone laughs) - But you get it. - Try and grow one just for fun just to see what would happen. - All right, next story. This comes from Tales From Your Server, so service industry related story. "Guy tips big to impress date, "but returns afterwards
to take money back." - Shut the (beep) up! - Oh. - Shut the (beep) up! - Nani? - Oh, that's kind of awesome. That is a, this is literally, okay. That's George Costanza. (everyone laughs) - [Courtney] Wow. - That is just George
Costanza right there. This needs to start with ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom ♪ Okay, here we go. "We had a guy come in
last night with his date. "Throughout the evening, "he was the picture of
courtesy and good manners. "He complimented me, "thanked me every time
I came to refresh waters "or check on the table, "made a point to be forgiving
of a kitchen mistake, "super extra nice. "The dream customer really. "I appreciated it, "but didn't delude myself
that I was the source "and figured he was just in a good mood "because the date was going well. "They were chatting,
laughing, having a great time, "so I assumed I was an
indirect beneficiary. "He was certainly in some
kind of celebratory mood "because he was sparing no expense. "He asked for our highest quality wine. "She got our most expensive entree. "He ordered one of every
appetizer for her to sample "after she made a remark "that she was having trouble deciding. "It was a real feast. "So the evening starts wrapping
up, and I get their check. "I ask if they'll be together or separate. "She starts to say separate, "but he makes a big deal of saying, "'Oh, are you kidding? "'Together. Definitely together. "'You never have to pay
when you're with me, babe.'" (Courtney gags) "And so on and so forth. "Then slides me a credit card. "I get everything sorted
and bring out the receipt. "He fills it out and
it came to $289 total. "He doesn't even blink "and makes a big show
of leaving a $100 tip. "He thanks me for my service "and emphasizes what a
lovely night they've had. "Of course, a tip that
size is exceptional, "so I thanked him profusely. "He said there was no need to thank him "and goes on a big tear "about how underappreciated waitstaff are, "and to just think of it as a
stand-in for all the ingrates "who didn't treat me right, saying, "'Don't plan to tip, don't
plan to eat out, you know?' "While looking at the
mesmerized girl the whole time "and not giving me a glance. "I could care less where he was looking. "I was looking at the upcoming 100 bucks. "I thanked him again and said
I hope to see them back soon. "And that was that. "So he helps her into
her coat and off they go. "Great night. "I was riding high. "About 90 seconds later, "he's back in the door without her going, "'I think I left my,' "when the door shut, "he looked around to make
sure she was out of earshot. "He then says, without the
slightest shade of shame "or embarrassment, 'Mark the
tip down to 20 bucks, hun. "'I was just playing it up for my date. "'You understand.' "And turns to go. "I understood, but not
how he hoped I would, "but I couldn't make a
scene in the middle of work. "That's not my place. "So I wanted to bring it up one more time "to try to give his conscience
a chance to sink in and said, "'Okay, sir, you'd like to
amend your tip from $100 to $20. "'Is that correct?' "And even though I didn't
show a hint of displeasure "in my voice, he shot
back extremely hostile, "'Yes, and if I see a
cent over the 20 on there, "'I'm going to dispute the whole
meal with my credit vendor. "'So don't try to pull anything.' "The most frustrating part of this for me "was not going from an
over 30% tip to under 10%. "It was that this poor
girl was being strung along "with no idea of who the
guy was behind her back. "It was extremely manipulative of him, "which is a major red flag." Also, the way he's talking
is like (beep) old school. Like, "You understand, babe." - [Angela] Hun? - I'm just (beep) doing this. - What's with all these
characters we're meeting in this episode that are
like, "Eh, whatever, babe. "It's comedy." - Why are they all greasers? In my head it's like,
"You understand." (grunts) (everyone laughs) - Put the cat under the cargo. (everyone laughs) - I gotta poop. (everyone laughs) - It's what comedians do? - I got a tiny (beep) and I gotta poop. (everyone laughs) - That's my favorite clip ever. - "I've had my fair share of
toxic relationships in the past "and really wish someone
had pulled the blinders "off my eyes. "I so desperately wanted to do
something to alert this girl "to the trick the guy had pulled. "And maybe it would be a catalyst "to her questioning his other actions. "But again, I was at work and
that just wasn't my place, "so I altered the bill and that was that. "Then just in time,
something occurred to me, "and I darted outside hoping to catch them "in the parking lot. "I got lucky. "They're parked on the street instead, "and he was still dealing
with the parking meter. "So I flagged him down and
rushed across the street, "nearly stumbling into traffic in my haste "for a delicious moment. "His date was already in the
car, but rolled down her window "since no one expects the waitress "to follow you out to your car, "waving her arms like a crazy person. "I made it across "and said more than loudly
enough for her to hear. "Sir, we amended your
tip from $100 down to $20 "as you requested, "but you'll actually need to
fill out a different receipt "reflecting your new
total for our records." - Yes! Yes! - "Your old receipt still
has your original tip "of $100 written on it, "but since you just came in and asked us "to charge you $20 instead, "we can't have a
discrepancy in our records." - [Angela] That sounds true. - "I hope you understand. "This is just a bookkeeping regulation "that goes way above me. "It has nothing to do "with you retroactively
downgrading your tip "from $100 to $20. "We're just glad you enjoyed your evening. "His jaw was on the floor. "He tried to pretend "as though he didn't know
what I was talking about "and gave me some line like, "'I think you're after someone else. "'I'd only come back 'cause
I'd forgotten my keys.' "But I would not let it rest. "The more he played dumb, the
more I repeated versions of, "'You wanted to change your
tip from $100 down to $20. "'You came back in,' and on and on. "So we went back and forth
for a few more seconds "until finally he went, 'Okay, whatever. "'Sorry for the miscommunication. "'If you need me to fill
out a new receipt, I can.' "And I totally even keeled was like, "'You only need to fill out a new receipt "'if you wanna change your
tip from $100 down to $20.' "And I'm guessing he didn't
have the money in his account "because he did it. "He filled out the new receipt. "His girlfriend was visibly shocked, "and the man was staring
daggers through me. "You could feel the
rage emanating off him. "It was quite satisfying
to accomplish this "in place of the other
toxic men I was never able "to confront and all the bad tippers. "Ironically, the exact kind
he made a righteous speech "decrying just a few minutes beforehand. "And then off they drove. "I'm sure never to patronize
our restaurant again, "and hopefully to never
go out together again, "which would make it totally worth it." - Ooh! - Dude, this is an "I Think
You Should Leave" sketch. This is literally the the nachos scene from "I Think You Should Leave." It's like, "We have a policy
where you can't have the nachos "with all this stuff on them." It's like, "Did you go and tell him that?" What? (everyone laughs) I had the check because
the fans were on us. There's no fans above us. What? (everyone laughs) What an insane guy. That guy is cartoonish. - I'm willing to vote
for OP for president. - [Courtney] Yep. - Yeah, OP, absolute legend. - Like, incredibly classy
the way she did it too. - OP is such a legend, and this guy is one of
the worst assholes ever because the problem is he
acknowledges what is right and what is wrong. He announces that he
understands the severity of the situation. - And does it a lot. - But then goes and like switches it down. So I'm like, you literally acknowledge that people who don't tip
are absolute monsters, and then you come in and just do it. Like, you are fully embracing
that you're an awful person. - And like, he's like,
"And if you don't do this, "I'm gonna go to my credit card-" - I'm gonna give you hell. - He does this a lot. You can tell he is done it before. And whether it's multiple
times with this person that he is on a date with
or he's just doing this. I'm like, are you gonna kill this woman? - Yeah, no, he's giving "American Psycho." - Yeah.
- He literally is. Also, so the bill was like 280? - $289. - Tipped $100. - But $20. - $20 is less than 10%. - [Courtney] Less than 10%. - [Shayne] No, it's bad. - [Courtney] It's like seven or 8%. - Bury him. Oh my god. - Bury him. Bury him in receipts. - Put him on the cargo hold of a ship. You know what I mean? Comments. "Get him. "I think you did her a favor
exposing his deficiencies." OP responded, "Thank you. "I'm glad it comes off that way. "If it had just been him
alone leaving a big tip "and like changing his mind or something "or even if he'd done that with
a group of platonic friends, "I'd have been pissed, "but I would've just
changed it and let it go. "I only followed up "because I wanted an
opportunity to clue the girl in. "And the receipt was the
only legitimate way." Well, he also like laid it
out that he's lying to her. He is like, "You understand. "I'm lying to this woman to trick her." - [Courtney] Oh. - Someone said, "Dude, I have a serious
lady justice right now. "Oh my god. "Not all heroes wear capes. "Some wear aprons." - I can't believe she thought of that 'cause that's like so well thought out. The paperwork and the receipt of it all. - And just kept repeating
the $100 down to $20. - I would try to find her
on Instagram and be like, "Hey, I'm the waitress. "That guy." I would've not done it that efficiently because the best way was to
do it in front of him too. Oh! - That was a slay. - (beep) perfect. - I'm sure it's like the
night streets of New York. The streets are wet from
the rain earlier that day. And she ran out there
and she's like, "Wait!" And the girlfriend's like
(imitates window whir) and sees all this, and
he's like in a trench coat, and he's like, "I don't know
what you're talking about." She's like, "No." And she looks amazing. And you know she looked
amazing the whole time. - Okay, last story here. This comes from Relationship Advice. It's a little bit of a lighter tone. It's a 34-year-old man. "My wife, who's 32, has
been cutting the strings "off my pajama pants and
she won't admit to it. "Not sure why?" (Courtney laughs) What a strange crime. - Huh? - She wants my pants to fall off. - You really said a lighter note. - "Some background. "We have been married for 10 years. "This behavior is pretty recent. "The situation really isn't that bad. "But I was hoping someone
could have an explanation. "I've asked her about
this and she denies it, "but we don't have kids or
anyone else in the house, "so it can only be her. "In the last year or so, "I've been discovering the tie strings "from my pajama pants
have been disappearing. "Again, we don't have kids, "and I'm the only one who
actually has to leave the house "to go to work, so she's
alone in the house a lot. "Her pants still have all their strings, "but none of mine do." - What is this? - "I have bought more pants "to replace the ones with missing strings, "but those eventually go missing too." (Angela laughs) - What? - "We have a good relationship, "and I don't know why she
denies it when I ask about it. "It's really not that big of a deal, "so I don't really press the issue. "It's just really bizarre. "She's a bit of a prankster and so am I. "But I don't know what
the point of the prank is "if this is indeed some
sort of practical joke. "Does anyone else have any experience "with this sort of thing?" What the hell is going on? - I'm low-key crying. - Sometimes I do notice
sometimes the strings of like your hoodies or pants- - They get lost in the wash. - They can get lost in the wash. - It was also your delivery, Shayne. "We are kind of pranksters,
but I can't figure it out." - We are pranksters. But somehow the strings... I have a string theory (laughs)
but not the usual kind. - This is crazy. - This is nuts. And hers are fine. She still has her strings. - Oh, she has all her strings. - What the hell is this
woman's deal? (laughs) - Maybe it's like the guy
who tells his girlfriend that she smells bad all the time. - Oh yeah. - What if one night he hears
like rustling from the closet, and he opens and she's eating spaghetti, but it's not spaghetti. It's all the strings. It's all the strings from all the pajamas. - [Angela] She's like... (Shayne grumbles) I was picturing like a like
a little monster covered in pajama strings going (hisses) - [Courtney] Oh my god. - Oh, sorry. It wasn't my wife. It was the string monster. - What if they had a pet? - He doesn't clarify if
they don't have pets. - 'Cause what if he leaves his pants on the floor all the time and
the kitty or the dog get it? - Oh, cats would totally get that shit. Okay, there's comments and
they provide some info. "I'm wondering why OOP
immediately came to the conclusion "that it's his wife stealing the strings." OP responds, "Because we
play pranks on each other "and this is the type
of prank she would do. "She'd do the long con too. "So I wouldn't put it past
her to do something like this "and keep it going for a year." - I'm dying. This woman is great. - Someone else said, "Why is your first instincts
to distrust your wife?" OP responded, "It wouldn't be the first
time she had pranked me "in this sort of way
and denied it for months "until I finally believed her." - What? - "Just to say gotcha and admit to it. "I honestly thought it
was one of those again." Someone else said, "I don't have a wife, "and all my hoodies/drawstring
pants lose their strings "in the laundry anyway, so
that's something to consider." - Yeah, like what if
they do their own laundry for their own clothes and she's really careful about
her strings and his go away? - We have multiple updates. - Oh thank god.
- What? - So predictions now. What are you placing your bets on? - I think it's a prank. - Yeah, I think she's just- - You think she's pranking him? I don't think she's pranking him. I think they're getting
lost some other way. - But why aren't hers
getting lost? (laughs) - I don't know. I think this is his fault. - Is this a Dr. Seuss book? (laughs) What is this? Okay. Okay. - A thing. A thing. I've lost my string. (everyone laughs) - Okay. - "So I just got home "and checked inside the
waistbands of all my pajama pants. "I only have five of them,
so it didn't take long. "No strings in them, so they
definitely didn't retract. "I need to get some sleep so
I'll check the washer drum "and filter when I wake up." - This guy's gotta go to work. - This feels like a horror game. This feels like "Five Nights at Freddy's." Like, okay, I'm checking the closet. Okay, I'm checking the laundry. Okay, it's all... Okay, I'm checking. And all of a sudden someone jumps out and steals the strings. - Yeah, I feel like Jim
Carrey would play this person. Like, this feels like
a "Bruce Almighty" bit. You know what I mean? - Okay, checking. (everyone laughs) - Where are the strings (everyone laughs) - But where are the strings? - Okay. Okay. - Update number two. - [Courtney] Oh boy. - "Someone in the comments
suggested maybe my cat "had been taking them out and hiding them "since cats tend to have hiding spots. "One of the spots is under the couch. "I just checked and I found one there." (Courtney gasps) "It's just one, but it's a start. "I'm gonna check his other spots too." Okay, you didn't throw a cat in the mix. - Tell us about the cat. - If the story is about
strings and there is a cat, the cat is involved. The cat is involved. - String plus cat equals cat. - That's it, and that's math. - And that's cat math. - Update number three. "Okay, so when my wife woke up, "I told her about finding a
string in our cat's hiding spot. "She was amused "and wanted to help me look at
his other spots for them too. "Well, none of his other
known spots had them, "but she noticed something weird "about the back of our other couch. "It had a small hole in the bottom of it. "I shined a flashlight in the hole "and found a whole bunch
of random stuff in there. "We took the cushion off
this section of the couch "and cut a hole next to the spring, "and voila, we found
his true secret stash. "All my strings were there. "Not only that, but we found pretty much "all of my wife's missing
smaller Squishmallows "and her missing AirPods. "We even found-"
- What? - AirPods? - This guy. - "We even found a missing pendant "and the body of Jimmy Hoffa." No, I'm just kidding. - Stop. Stop. - "We even found a missing pendant "that we've been trying to find for years. "I'm going to buy her a box of chocolate." It was the cat. - Wow! - And the strings weren't- - We called it, bro. We called it.
- We called it. - The missing strings were
like the least valuable thing. AirPods. - This cat was setting up
a battle station in there. - I would piss my pants if
I saw a cat holding AirPods in its mouth. - Holy shit. - Like, gotta go. Gotta put this in my little hole. - Time to go. Sometimes I wish they
had a stash, you know? 'Cause it seems so fun
to like find the stash of all this stuff there. - I know. It's like a little locker. - Yeah, it's a little locker. - Little pendants. What a cute (beep) cat. - This guy's been busy. This cat has been so busy. (Angela laughs) I knew it! I knew it. I was like, it's only his
pants 'cause he probably like, wherever he puts them is
accessible to the cat. - [Angela] You called it. - I like that I know what
this cat's expression is as they're pulling all this shit out. You know that cat's
over there just like... (crew laughs) - Or he's like this... (Courtney laughs) - He's like, "Don't put me on that plane." - (beep) they're cutting a bigger hole. (beep) (everyone laughs) - What country are we moving to? (crew laughs) - Wow. That's amazing. - Oh my gosh. - That cat was building a
Titanic treasure pile in there. - Yeah, give this cat a
general with Pixar because oof. - Yeah. - That cat was able to
steal all their stuff and nearly end their marriage. That's pretty impressive. - A pendant. - A pendant. They went, "Ah." Like in "Titanic." - So funny. - The cat is a legend. - The cat's a legend. - The cat's an instant legend. - That waitress though. She's- - The waitress is the ultimate legend. Cat also a legend. - Also a legend. - Had some legends today. - Shelby's also a legend. - Shelby's a legend too. Any cat, legend. Or that's a dog.
- That's the dog. - A dog is also a legend. Eating a lot of roast. - Good stuff. - Yeah, eating good food. - [Shayne] No. Yeah. - [Angela] Wow. - Great stuff. - [Courtney] Good stuff. - Thanks for being here. - Thank you so much. - Thank you. - Wow. - We should go on a
cruise and bring our cats. - All right, we're gonna
go do standup on a cruise. - Is this thing on? (Shayne laughs) - I will say. We will
be a riot on a cruise. You know what I'm saying? - Could you imagine? Hey, Royal Caribbean. My name's Angela. (Courtney laughs) We got seven days. (everyone laughs) - We're here for seven days. Wow. This microphone's really big. You know what isn't? (everyone laughs) Bo! - Bada boop. - All right. - Tip your waitresses, but not too much. - Bada boop! I gotta poop. - Oh my god. All the stories are coming together. - And we're stuffing them
all in a hole in the couch. Okay, thank you for watching. Let us know what subreddits and
themes you wanna see on here and we'll do it. And we'll see you next Saturday
for some more weirdness. Get outta here. Bye!
- Bye!
