- Welcome back to some
insane Reddit stories. I'm Shane, and today, the
theme is, "Am I the Devil?" - Let's freaking go.
- That's right. These are the worst of the worst. And I'm joined by two of
the worst people I know. (Courtney cackles)
- Oh, Shane. (group laughter) - Courtney and Spencer are here. - Hey.
- Hey. - You guys... I know you guys know Reddit, so... 'Cause, Courtney, you've curated a bunch of stories for this show. - Yeah, and they messed me up real bad. - Yeah, you had to take a break after producing one of these episodes. You were like, "I'm out." - The spooky one, the research was a lot, but I think I could be
ready to Mick Morgan or help Mick Morgan. - Spencer, you look you're on Reddit. - Oh yeah. I love that place. (group laughter) - I can't believe it's taken this long for us to be on the episode together! - I know.
- What the heck? Why are you avoiding me? - Hey, pleasure to be
on the couch with you. - Yeah.
- All right, here we go. "Am I the asshole for getting frustrated with a kid at the arcade?" - So far, no. - "I'm a 30-year-old man and
I'm a really big fan of DDR and I was just playing a
bit at an arcade near me. I was about to get a full combo when this kid around eight years old decided to play a stupid prank. He used his hand to press the
buttons and mess up my combo. I was furious, as I had
been practicing this map for a while now, and was
about to full-combo it. I will admit I lost my temper. I started screaming stuff like, 'What the (beep) are you doing,' and, 'Where are your parents because they clearly failed you?' It wasn't the nicest thing to say, but I was understandably angry. The staff came to me and
banned me from the arcade for being aggressive. Am I the asshole?" Okay. At first I was like, I don't... Yeah, at first I questioned, I'm like, "Okay, is this real or not?" I think this is fully real 'cause I have seen this
type of shit at arcades. Every other arcade
machine feels so casual, and then DDR feels a professional sport. - It's an event.
- And I avoid it. I do not get on that machine because- - I don't want other people
to see me playing it. - Mm-hmm.
- That too. - However, that kid
did press some buttons. - Pushed his buttons.
- Yeah, on several levels. - Yeah, pushed buttons on several levels. - It's pretty crappy
what the little kid did, but it's a little kid. - Yeah.
- Like- - Okay, when you're eight, I think he had the fear of
God put him a little bit. - Yeah.
- You know? And I thought he was gonna step
on his fingers or something. - We don't know the kid's reaction. Maybe he was yelling this. He was like, "What the
fuck are you doing?" The kid's just like... - Yeah, I bet the kid was terrified. If they banned him, it was hostile enough for
them to call it aggressive. Sometimes those are the
moments where a kid learns, and now that's embedded in him forever and he is never gonna mess
with another person again. But it's a kid, dude. - Yeah, yeah, even if it
was beneficial for the kid, I feel like yelling, "What
the (beep) are you doing," at an 8-year-old is rarely
gonna work well in your favor. - Yeah. - I also, like, there
was no stakes, you know? - A full combo. - A full combo.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to disrespect. - My initial thought was like, I thought it was Guitar Hero where you get the x4 multiplier and I thought that's what he meant. I'm like, you can just get another one. But full combo, I think, means
you hit every single step. - Yeah. - So I think he was like
towards the end of the song and that's when the kid messed him up. So like... - Yeah, I get it and I get his anger, but at the same time, I feel like an arcade is a place
where it's like, all right. Especially if it's an arcade where kids are running around. It's just like, yeah, this is a place where it's gonna be (beep) crazy. I can't be mad about that. - You can't hold people to the... I mean, it is a lot though. It is a lot to have a kid
come and press your shit. - Totally. - But it's where a kid can be a kid. - No, that's Chuck E. Cheese.
- Oh. - Or is that Burger King?
- No, that's Chuck E. Cheese. It's Chuck E. Cheese. - [Shane] Chuck E. Cheese.
- What's the Burger King one? - Have it your way.
- Ah, okay. Wait, I will say, I just
thought of a funny idea. - [Shane] What? - What if when you go, you know how at movie theaters, they do the thing, like the
AMC, the Nicole Kidman thing. - [Shane] Yeah, yeah.
- You can do it. - What's that? - Where we come eat a lot. - "We come to this place." - "We come to this place, the magic."
- But like, they should do one in arcades. Like, "We come here to dance." - "We come here," - I don't know, I can't do it. - We come here to dance. And play DDR. - She takes off her, whatever,
her Markiplier cloak. Her cloak. Then she's just like, "We
come here for combos." (group laughter) - We come to this place for Mario. - I'll say though,
8-year-old me would never- - No, and that's the other thing! - I was terrified of like,
(beep) with a strange adult. - It's messing with a 30-year-old man. - It's pretty intense. - Like, coming between a 30-year-old man and his video games? Like, look, that was about
the best case scenario. - The verdict was Asshole.
- Yeah. - Fair, he was so aggressive
that he got banned. Someone though said, "Not the Asshole." "He used his hand to press
the buttons, what the (beep)? That's grabbing the wheel
when someone's driving." And someone said, "Yeah,
DDR is just driving a 2000-pound piece of metal
at 65 miles per hour." (Courtney giggles) - Is that how much a car weighs? - Some cars.
- Yeah. - I think they weigh a lot.
- Maybe like the really, really big ones. - I don't know how much I
thought they weighed, but... - No, it is, I mean, you're automatically the asshole for losing your temper on a child. You are the adult in
this situation on, like, your feelings, you cared a lot, but nobody else in that
room maybe knew that. - [Spencer] Yeah. - That's, your emotions
are your responsibility in that moment. And this child, their little fingies could've gotten squashed. I would've trapped him on the machine and made it till, he couldn't leave the machine
until he hit a full combo. I think that, do you think that kid, though, maybe
was doing him a favor? 'Cause if he hit that full combo, he was never gonna get laid. - Yeah. - And so that kid was trying to be like, "No, do not get that full combo." "You'll still have a chance." - Oh my god.
- [Shane] You know? - Yeah, 'cause eight year
olds know all about that. - Someone else said, "You're the asshole, if you can't mind your temper and mouth, you don't belong in space for children, in spaces for children." And someone said, "You're the asshole, where are your parents? Because they clearly failed you." (Courtney humming)
Damn. So the closest I've ever
been to this situation, I did have a situation where I was pissed off at little kids. I was very pissed, but I didn't do this. I was at the beach with
some friends, right? It was me and a couple friends - And built a cool sandcastle. - And I started digging a hole and I dug the biggest hole at
the beach that I've ever dug. And it was crazy! And it was massive and it went down really
deep and I was so impressed. And I was getting to the
point where I was like, I was like, my head was about here. And then suddenly a bunch
of little kids started to swarm around this hole. This hole is right next
to our, like, blanket and everything. Like, this is where our setup, and they're now swarming around, all these kids, swarming around our stuff. And this hole that I made,
I'm actively digging it and these kids are like,
(beep) around the sides of it. - Aw... - And of course, they just start to like, sand just starts to fall in. And I'm a little nervous 'cause some of these kids are like, three. And I'm like, "You're
next to a borderline, five-foot deep hole,
you're gonna fall in!" - Stanley Yelnats over here. - I wasn't yelling at them!
I wasn't saying anything. (crew laughing) - Stanley Yelnats? - And then, and their parents are like, off to the side watching and they're just like... - Agh! - And I'm like, I'm a strange man! (group laughter)
With a hole! - How old were you? - I was 20... I was probably 20 or 21. - Okay. - Look, send me to the beach now, I'm gonna start digging a hole. - Okay, this is what I was gonna ask you. Have you ever heard of
the masculine urge to dig? - Yes.
- Okay. - I have it.
- I have felt it. I feel it. - I have to dig. - [Courtney] Let's continue.
- I have to. It's so fun.
- You get to the beach, you gotta dig, I'm sorry. - These kids, eventually, they
started (beep) around with it so much that they were just
filling the hole back up. I got up out of it and I was
like, I'm like, whatever. And I was really mad, and at first I wanted to like, I wanted to say something
to one of their parents being like, what are you, like, this? And then I thought about it, I'm like, what am I gonna say? Like, "I dug this hole!" I was like, but then I also, what truly happened, I was mad. I was in this guy's zone of
being pissed at these kids. And then I saw these kids
having such a great time and I was like, oh shit! I made a core memory
for a lot of these kids. - Aww! - Because I remember when I was young and you'd be at the beach and you'd come across
some sort of insane thing on the beach and you'd just be stoked. And you have that, that
childlike urge to just... - Dig.
- Mess with it and whatever. And I was like, okay, this is the best possible
scenario for this. Because otherwise, there's just gonna be a hole there. And I'd have to fill it back up. Anyways, don't yell at kids. They're kids. Even if they are putting
their hands on a DDR machine, which is crazy, but don't yell at them. You're gonna get in trouble. - Yeah, getting banned. Was it worth it? - [Shane] Yeah, exactly. - I'm gonna, can I do
the one where it's like, everybody here sucks? - Really? - You, you think everyone sucks here? - That's my verdict. - Okay. That's entirely fair. - The kid does suck, but not- - The kid sucks. - The kid sucks.
- The kid sucks, but just don't yell and curse at a kid. - Yeah, everybody here sucks.
- That's bad. Okay, next story. "Am I the for pointing
out my sister's blue hand? I'm a 27-year-old man and
have an older sister who's 34. She is a professional chef and she has a lot of
culinary-themed tattoos. Recently she got her hands
tattooed with measurements she uses a lot in the kitchen. Like teaspoon and tablespoon
and that sort of thing. She says she actually refers
to them at work a lot, but I really think she just got them because it makes people
ask her what they're about. And then she gets to
talk about being a chef. It impresses people, and I
know she enjoys the attention. Recently we were having dinner with our parents and some family friends. The conversation turned to tattoos and of course my sister started
talking about her new ones. Since they're food-related, that steered the conversation
away from tattoos and onto cooking and recipes. I kept waiting for the conversation to go back to tattoos so that I could talk about my newest one. But it wasn't happening." - He's so mad. - "Finally, I found an
opportunity to point out the fact that one of my sister's
tattoos is such poor quality, it died a part of the skin around it blue. That happens if the
artist presses too hard and it's permanent, which
means it was a cheap tattoo. Everyone else looked really awkward. But my sister laughed for some reason and said something like, 'Yeah, I just have a
blue hand now, oh well.' And that really bothered me. I have many tattoos myself, but all of mine are really meaningful and I take a lot of care
to find good artists. She obviously doesn't take them seriously and just gets them on a whim. But since hers are mostly for attention, everyone wants to talk about hers instead. I told her she shouldn't be so casual about having a bad tattoo and that it looks it was cheap. I told her I'm glad she likes it, but it looks she's been
taking colloidal silver or something. My dad told me to let it go and my mom kept trying
to change the subject. And finally my sister just
said, 'My tattoos are personal. It's okay if you don't them.' And ignored me for the rest of the night. My mom thinks I should apologize, and apparently the friends who were there thought I was out of line. Personally, I think I was
just pointing out a fact. And I honestly want her
to get better tattoos in the future for her own sake. Am I the asshole?" - This guy. - That's crazy, to write
this whole thing out and not realize how jealous you are. - It's like hey man, reread that. - His ego is in the driver's seat, pedal to the metal right now. Like could not, literally, okay. I genuinely feel like there's just already some pent up anger toward his sister. - [Shane] Yeah.
- Just, already. And this is just part of it because, like, he was mad that she wasn't, he wanted her to feel bad. In front of everyone.
That's what he wanted. And he got mad that she didn't and it rolled off of her. Like, bro, what is
really the problem here? - And he was also, like,
clearly aware of himself. Like wanting attention, in a way. - Yeah! - Which is big, but it's like, hey, then kind of like, you know,
handle those feelings yourself. He is like, "Oh, clearly
she enjoys the attention but nobody was talking to me." like, I don't know. It's like, then I wanna
see his tattoos, though. - Yeah. His are probably really dumb - They're probably dumb, yeah. - They're probably really dumb. - The hand measurements? That's like, I'm sad. - It actually has a function. - That's awesome.
- Yeah. - Those are like, good tattoos. - I'm trying to think of,
like, handy ones we could get. - Most tattoos that I
actually end up complimenting are often ones where people are like, "Oh yeah, I just freaking got that." There are other ones that people don't really
care that much about. - We should get tattoos of the words you can't say
on YouTube or something. - Yeah. Or the rules to Moose Master, or something.
- That's really good, yeah. - Or Shane can just get a
Reddit tablet, I don't know. Just like, "Am I the asshole; yes, no." And you have to be like-
- I'll tattoo this entire story onto my back. - Oh, that's smart.
- That'd be really funny. - I think this guy doesn't like that people like his sister,
that she's being liked. - I think he's pissed about that. - His sister's probably cool as hell. - He's like, "She likes the attention,
and I'm trying to get-" Like, doesn't acknowledge
that he's trying, he likes the attention too. We're all people. We all like attention. We're all talking. You were patiently waiting for the conversation to go back to tattoos so that it was your turn. Be an adult. If you wanna talk about
something, take the initiative. Just talk about it. It
doesn't need to be personal. - The verdict, "Asshole." Comments; "I am jealous of my sister. I tried to make her feel
bad, but she blew me off because she doesn't value
my opinion in the least. I got mad that my plan didn't work, so I doubled down on being a jerk." "My parents were so
embarrassed about my behavior that they want me to
apologize to my sister who I once again must point
out, doesn't care what I think. That's what normal people do, right? You're the asshole." Someone else said, "Your
sister's hand is blue and your whole body is green with envy, but at least your tattoos
are oh-so meaningful. You're the asshole." - Got an ass with that one. - Well, I hope he read all of those. - That was pretty sick. Lastly, "Yep, OP is blue with envy." Someone said, "Dude just
blew up for no reason. OP had a chance to be not
the asshole but he blew it." - He went up to his room and blew himself. (group laughing) With envy. I don't know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty solid. - I think, like, tattoos on the palms of your hands, I feel like, is not a very, a very attention-grabby thing. - I know a lot of, well a lot of tattooers won't
do tattoos on your hands because they will, like,
it's not really possible to do a high-quality one on the hand. Because you move it, yeah.
- Yeah, the pores and the creases, yeah, it's
too much going on in there. - People just get the mustaches here. - Yeah.
- They get the mustache. - Do you guys get a lot of
comments on your tattoos? Are they positive, negative, ever? - I don't wear short sleeve
shirts around a whole lot. But when I do, people are usually, but you know, mine, you know, you start off getting meaningful ones and then they get dumber and dumber and then they get more fun. - You have some sick ones. 'Cause, yeah. Don't win Mario party, you always mentioned you have the thwomp. - I've been waiting for you
guys to bring up my tattoos. - Oh my God! - No one's been asking
me about my tattoos. - I'll say, you have the squirtle squad and that's a sick tattoo. - That's a good one. - [Shane] That's solid one. - That was a fun one,
yeah, I was on a win. - Iconic. - And then you've got the
Mach V, which is dope, though. - Yeah, the dudes love it. (Spencer laughing) I will say if they notice-
- Digging holes, the Mach V. - "Oh shit! Is that a Mach V tattoo?" But that's the only one
that really gets noticed. - They say it like that,
or they say like, "Ah!" - Oh, is that the Mach V right there? Dude, is that Emile Hirsch? - Yeah. (Shane laughing) - I'm gonna get a bunch
more this month, I think. - Oh, (beep) yeah. - Thank you for allowing me the space to talk about my tattoos. And thank you for the attention. - No problem!
(group laughter) - Your tattoos are so cool! - Alright, next story. "Am I the asshole for not
knowing what a fire hydrant was and that I wasn't supposed
to park there?" (laughs) - No! No! - "Anyways, this orphanage burned down and I was just parked here. I'm 23 and I've been
driving since I was 16. I'm a really good driver and only have a few tickets
for like, very minor stuff. I'm a good driver, is
what I'm trying to say. I was over at my situationship's apartment and he lives close to downtown. He's had like seven beers and our DoorDash was taking forever. So he asked if maybe I
could go to the restaurant and get it since I'd only
had a few glasses of wine." - Oh!
- The story's crazy! - So, okay. "I said, sure; he said I
could take his dad's car since it's automatic. I was like there and back
in just a few minutes, but there was only one spot on the street. So I parked there." "The next morning, his dad's
car was like, just gone. So first we called the police and they were sending someone, then he did a double take and said, 'Wait, did you park there?' And I said, 'Yes.' And he said, 'You parked in
front of a fire hydrant?' I said, I had no idea what that was. I literally had no idea."
(Spencer cackling) - No! - "And he said, 'Oh my God,
how could you be so stupid?' I was really offended. And I said, 'Don't yell at
me in public like that!' And then the police showed up to investigate the car theft and he had to confess
that it was probably towed because of the fire hydrant. The cop did some research and was able to find out
what tow place had it. The cop then told me how stupid I was and how I put everyone in
the whole block at risk if there had been a fire. It cost a small fortune to get
the car out of the tow yard. Plus there are parking tickets in it too. My situationship says I
should pay for everything, but I don't want to, and he has way more money than me. Am I the asshole?" This person's... I don't know.
(Courtney chortles) This person's a train wreck! - "Don't yell at me!" - I might've left out the
part about drunk driving. - I'm sorry, yeah, you're not, I don't know if you're the asshole for parking in front of a fire hydrant. You're an for having a few glasses of wine and then driving. - Yeah. - Yeah, the fire hydrant probably looked like a freaking bush. - I wish they told the cop that, like, sorry, I didn't know
what a fire hydrant was, 'cause I was pretty drunk. - I was pretty drunk! - I was pretty drunk, so I
didn't know what that was. - Oh, do not have a few glasses of wine. - I'm not stupid, I was drunk! I have seen the things where the fire, I when the fire department gets petty and they'll like, they'll run the fire hose. - I don't even think
that's outta pettiness. I think they literally are just like, oh, we have to break this. - Oh, then that's even more awesome! - They'll Yeah.
- My dad, yeah. - Yeah, call him!
- Yeah. If you park in front of a fire hydrant and if something happens, they will just punch out your windows. - Yep. - All 2000 pounds of the car. - Yeah. 'Cause they need to be- 'Cause they need to be as
close to it as possible that the hose is only so long and... - Otherwise you get flying
around little rascals. (Courtney and Shane squealing) - [Courtney] Yeah. - Obvious verdict, asshole. Comments here. "You're the
asshole, it's common sense. You could have killed
someone if there was a fire." "How do you not know
what a fire hydrant is? Pay for everything. It's 100% your fault." OP responded. "I mean I've seen them before
but I thought they were like from a hundred years ago
and not used anymore." Someone said, "So you thought
they were historical statues?" And OP said, "No, just like other things like telephone poles that
aren't used anymore." - Oh! - "Because everyone has iPhones but they haven't taken them down yet." - Oh no! - [Shane] This person, I'm sorry. - I take it back, this person's hilarious. - I think this person rocks. - This person...
- I thought it was like- - Oh no... - This person kicks a lot of ass in some way that I cannot explain. - No, they kick their own ass. - Yeah. - This person kicks ass in the way that I never want to be
in the same town as them. - Yeah, and this person
shouldn't be allowed to drive. - No, they shouldn't be
able to drive, but... - It's wild.
- They are funny. - They're funny!
- They are funny. - "You're the asshole twice. Once for what was likely impaired driving and once for not knowing
what a fire hydrant is." "This can't be real. And yes, potentially putting
other people at risk." "You're not just an asshole, you're a self-absorbed asshole." "If this is real, God, I hope not, then you need to grow
up, pay the fine/fees." "That is probably the
most minor consequence for what could have happened
due to your negligence." I, look, it could be fake, but there are people like this. - I believe it. - I fully believe this, 'cause like, and it makes it, what it highlights for me is like, we're going, "Oh, you're so stupid for doing this and not
knowing, for parking there, and not knowing what fire hydrant is." But I'm like, the stupidest thing is to have a few drinks and drive. Like that is really stupid to justify that in your head, it's worse. - And there's, it didn't
add anything to the story other than even make
making it worse for you. - But that's how people view it. They really don't view it as being bad. - I think she had to include that because her partner was like,
I had too much to drink. The murder thing is for
you to drive and drink. And so that's how she got
put into the situation. But, bro. For, just like, but that's one of the
things on your permit test? Maybe depending on what state they're in. But it's one of the bare
basic fundamental things about driving and parking, is stay away from the fire hydrant. - They didn't see "Do the right thing?" - Brendan? (group laughing) - She's like, nice reference Spencer! - [Brendan] Sick, dude. - No, it... - That's awesome man. - But I think she needs to pay the fines and things, 'cause that
wouldn't have happened. - No, but I don't think
logic works for this person. - No, that's fair.
- No. Because the thing that
they got upset about was being yelled at and
then the cops showed up, and then proceeded to yell her. - Are you mad at me? - I though that he's
like, "You're stupid!" And she's like, "Don't say that!" And then the cop shows up and
he's like, "You're stupid!" - Is it a guy or a girl? - I don't know, they don't say. But they're dumb. - Yeah. - They dumb. - Here we go. Next story. Trigger warning here; parental loss. So if that is something you
do not wanna hear about, you can skip ahead to the next story. Am I the asshole accidentally losing my mother-in-law's ashes? - Oh no! In-law? - Was she chill?
- Not the in-law! (Shane swearing) - Was she chill?
- No, she was burned. (spencer laughing) - This is a 26-year-old man. "I and my wife, who's 25, have been married for four years and together for six." - Bro! - "We met in college and short-" - Sorry, they got married real young. - Yeah.
- How old were they? - He was 22, she was 21. - Oh. - And they've been together
for years before that. "We met in college and shortly after we
graduated, I proposed. We've never fought and have always stayed loyal and faithful. When she was 16, her mother
died in a fatal accident. I won't go into detail, but after a fight between
her mother and her father, her mom stormed out and was
hit while crossing the street by a drunk driver." - Oh... - "I've always understood how devastating her mother's loss has been and always was there for her on her mother's passing
anniversary and Mother's Day. Lately we've been thinking
about having kids, so we moved from our small
apartment in New York to a nice home in New Jersey. The move was stressful for both of us and we wanted to make sure
we didn't forget anything. Once we finished packing, she asked me to do one last
scan through her apartment and to grab her mother's
ashes, which were in a vase. She was going to drive to
the house with all our stuff and I'd carefully bring the vase to make sure it wasn't damaged
in all the other boxes. I said goodbye to the
house and put the vase in my front seat and started driving. I was driving to the house
when some jerk cut me off, making me slam the brakes. The vase had a ceramic lid
and was suctioned on loosely. When I slammed the brakes, the vase tumbled from the front
seat and the lid came off. I pulled to the side of the road to try and scoop it back in, but it was no use. I ended up pulling up to a car wash where you could vacuum
and clean your car." - No! You're a criminal! - "I vacuumed up any trace of the ashes and made my car look good as new." - Oh, thank God. - For the new ashes, I went to pick up dirt and
sand off the side of the road and filled up the vase halfway. Everything worked out great. I made it to the house. I used the excuse that there was heavy
traffic on the highway and that's why I was late. Everything was all good
until she lifted the vase. She said it felt heavier than before. I told her maybe she just
thought it was lighter, but when she opened the vase-" - Dude, you're dumb. - "When she opened the vase, she noticed a slight
difference in the color. Instead of a light gray, it was tan and brown with little pebbles." - Am I the pebble? - Am I the pebble? We were making that
joke before we started. - Or am I the pebble? - "And she's like, 'What are those?'" And I said 'Those must
have been inside of her.'" - Dude, those are bones. - Those are bones, dude! Wow, your mom had round bones. - Dude, Emily, I'm sorry. You picked the wrong people to... - Emily, like, really made sure that we were okay with this. And now, here we are. "She immediately asked what happened. I told her the story and she was fuming." - Dude, he came so fast! - "She couldn't believe I sucked her mom up into a vacuum and replaced her with dirt." - You sucked her mom up?! - You sucked my mom? - Stop! - "She couldn't believe I
sucked her mom up into a vacuum and replaced her with dirt." She threatened to kick me out, saying if I didn't leave, she would. She just left to go for a walk. And I think she blew
things outta proportion. I kept calling her and
when she finally answered, I told her, she acted I killed her." - Oh! - "She hung up, and I haven't heard or seen from her in two hours." Am I the asshole, or is she
just taking this way too far? Okay, number one; I've
started to come to the opinion that if people are posting a Reddit story mere hours after a fight,
I think you're an asshole. I think you're an asshole,
even if you're in the right, in the fight, to just
immediately go to Reddit. - I think something's
deeply wrong with you. - That's weird. Comments here. "Let me think really hard for a moment. Yes, you're the asshole." Someone said, "You're the asshole. You admit you didn't
secure the urn properly, tried to hide the evidence, and yet you still think she's the issue? Assuming this is a real post, I suspect you'll be heading
for divorce court soon. You seriously can't be dense enough to wonder why she's mad at you." OP responded, "She never told me to secure the urn, and I didn't want to do
anything to mess with it or the ashes, but when it fell, I felt I had to do
something to get my sled out of the trouble." Okay, that's that's
weaponized incompetence there. "She didn't tell me to secure the urn!" - Yeah, that's so messed up. - Like, what? - I'm imagining he sees
all the ashes there and he like, he pulls over. He is like, "Oh, what do I do?" Then he looks over and he sees a copy of Luigi's mansion. - [Shane] Yeah. - And he's like, oh. And he gets the vacuum and and then- - Oh my God! - I just, all he had to do
is as soon as it happens, he needs to call and be like, "I'm so sorry I just had to slam my brakes 'cause someone cut me off, and the ashes are now
on the seat of my car, let's figure out how to get them." They're there, the ashes are in your car. Yes, they're spilled out. There's gotta be a better
way to go about this. But you vacuumed it up,
which is getting rid of it. - Yeah, I think what I've seen people do, and it's obviously not a foolproof thing, but it's like, you buy a new
little handy-vac, a new one. - [Shane] Yeah. And then you get as much
of the remains as you can. Obviously it's not gonna
be 100% of the remains. - And then do that into the vase, yeah. - But the fact that he immediately, it was like, it was he's done this before. He so quickly was like, I
went to clean my car out and I grabbed some debris from the side of the road, zero remorse. - He dug his own grave with this. - He dug his own grave. - He, in that situation, he
cared more about his car. That, 'cause he's even like, "Yeah, my car was as good as new." - "My car was good as new." - My car looked awesome. - But this person? Nah. - This is, can I say, this is meet the parents
on several levels? - I was thinking the same thing. Because they break the urn, but also when the cat runs away, and he brings back the other cat. - Yeah. - They couldn't tape it down? - This was some Ben Stiller shenanigans. They could've literally taped it down. One piece of tape, a
little tape-down tape. Tape! - I didn't know people actually kept ashes in like open urns, or vase- - It's not open. It's like, it's an urn. - Oh, I guess it, so the
whole thing shattered? - It's not like a, it's
not like a twist-on. - I think the lid came off, it fell and the lid fell off. So I'm like, there's still stuff there. One last comment. "Lol absolutely no way is this real; vacuuming up her dead mother's remains? I'm not sure you get to
see heaven after that." OP responded, "I was extremely nervous and stressed. It was the first thing I could think of. Now that I'm thinking about it. It wasn't the smartest thing I could do. Thanks for the feedback." 139 down votes. Yeah, dude, come on. - Buddy, and then what really sucks is that stuff happened. It sucks, is the vacuum. After it happened, his
reaction to her feelings. Oh my God! She had every right to
have an absolute tantrum. She could've freaking busted a window! But him being like, "You're
acting a killed her!" Like, just say you're (beep) sorry! Say you're so (beep) sorry. - The beginning of it, to me, is just like, when you, to understand the weight
of something to someone, like that is if anyone, if
a stranger came up to me and was like, "Hey, these are some ashes, I need you to transport them." I wouldn't just plop it in
a seat and buckle it up. Like, I would probably put
that in a box and seal that. So I'm like, I need to know
nothing can happen to this shit. 'Cause, like, that's
so much responsibility. He treated it like what? - "Or just ask him like,
"Hey, how do you think I should transport this," maybe. - Yeah, communicate it. "You didn't tell me to secure it." - Yeah no, that's- - "Oh, you didn't tell me you didn't want me to vacuum it up." - That totally is weaponized incompetence by making it her responsibility
when him, an adult, who was given one job. - And then adding the dirt is crazy. - Yeah, that's some, that's a Mr.- - Dirt with pebbles in it. - That's a Mr. Bean shit. - It really was a Mr. Bean
level of like, stupid. - "This feels heavier." "No, I don't think so." - Oh, what's worse? Adding the dirt, or showing
up at the urn half full? Adding the dirt is so much worse. - Adding the dirt.
- Adding the dirt. - It's the most-
- You're adding a lie. And it's so disrespectful. 'Cause you're, that's,
in its own little way, you're equating your mother, your mother-in-law's ashes to dirt. To just dirt. - Yeah. - You're like, oh, well
it's kinda the same. - Kind of. - When it comes to human remains, there is a very intensely
special level of respect that you pay to that. And I'm sure that the
reaction would've been, oh, there still would've
been some pain from, from his girlfriend, but
like, or from his wife. But to add dirt into it, like, at least she could've
still just had her mom still. Not as much. Now she's... - I'm an urn half-full kind of guy. (group laughter) - Wow. I just, I think he nailed, it was the nail in the
coffin for how he reacted and made it her fault somehow when that was one, you had one job. If I was ever asked to
do something like that, I would fricking, ten pieces of tape, trash bag wrapped around, taped around the trash bag. - I would walk it there. - Put stuffed animals around it. - This is an "Am I the ex," situation. Yeah this person is broken up with and he doesn't realize it. - (laughs) Am the ex? - Next story. This comes from off my chest. I'm faking my paternity leave. - Huh?
- Okay, let's hear it out. - No.
- Let's hear him out. - [Spencer] Let's hear him out. - "I work for a pretty large company with a two-month paternity leave deal written in my contract. Eight months ago I told my
employee my fiance was pregnant. We never really talk
about our personal lives, but he was happy and cheerful for me. I found some random high school
acquaintance on Instagram that was recently pregnant."
- Jesus Christ. - "And showed my employers the images of her baby bump for the next few months and really sold the idea that I'm about to be a father
and have a fiance at home. I haven't had a girlfriend in years. And the whole thing is a complete lie. I don't think there's
any way for the company to verify any of it, but
I'm getting kind of nervous. I have my leave scheduled
for mid-December. I hate my job and I'm
not afraid to be fired if this whole thing blows over. I'm just amazed I took things this far and I'm at a point where I
don't think I can take it back." - What in the world? - Damn, that's a crazy situation. - I'm honestly at a loss. - Paternity leave as a treat? - Yeah, I mean, he just
told a complete lie. - Yeah, to me, it's the follow through. That's crazy. He like, he built a whole, he didn't say something and was like, "Ah, shit, hope no one remembers." He's building a, he's building a... - It's like a reverse catfish. - Yeah, he's spinning a web. - He's convinced everyone
that he has a girlfriend. - Yeah. People are gonna want photos. People are gonna ask how it's going. They're gonna ask how his partner is for the rest of his life. - What if somebody looks
her up and contacts her? Just sounds he has no friends. - No, this- - This person sounds deeply sad. Yeah, because if no one
at his work knows like, hey, you have a girlfriend? It's like, oh no, yeah. Definitely. - This is a lie he's gonna stumble on. Someone is gonna ask
him the wrong question, and he's not gonna know how to answer it. - Yep. - Comments. "As someone who works in
HR, employee relations, this happens frequently enough. And unless you have a new job lined up, I'd give this some thought. This is fraud and you'll
most likely get fired for it, which you said you don't care about, but you most likely won't get
unemployment because of it. So you'll be out of income. And depending on the industry, you'll have a problem getting a new job as it could follow you, if the industry is small and people talk. But you do you, if you think
this is worth the risk, then nobody can stop you." Someone said, "This happens frequently?" They responded, "Sadly, yes. We have two weeks of paternity leave. This guy put in a request for two weeks. We kept telling him we
needed the birth certificate and he kept putting it off. So the dummy instead
goes on a two-week trip to hike in Yosemite, but decides to post all
kinds of on Facebook, Forgetting that he friended his boss. Turns out not only was there no baby, but he got a divorce six months before and they didn't have kids. This is just the best one. Most of the other ones I've had about six, but I have friends in
HR at other companies, and they have all had it. Aren't so salacious. I had one person lie about needing a FMLA, because his wife had cancer. Nope. It turned out he was hired as a law enforcement expert
consultant for a movie." "Lying about needing to care for a sick family member
is pretty despicable. But FMLA is unpaid, so at least
he wasn't stealing money." Lastly, someone said,
"Start updating that resume and looking for job offers, buddy." - Yeah, that's tough because- - (scoffs) The resume: "Loving father." - He's wanting to take advantage
of this two-month thing, which, that job is doing great things for paternity and maternity leave. If you get a couple months
off, that's awesome. But like, when someone does that, it totally like, I feel it diminishes and takes the wind out of people who are literally actually
giving birth, having a child. And that time is there for a reason because those people need that time. So it is pretty despicable. - This is crazy to me, because
as tough as a job can be, it just sounds so much more exhausting to keep up a lie of this level. That's mental exhaustion that I wouldn't be able to handle. - And imagine being the girl
that her photo is being used. - Did he ask her?
- No. - Oh, definitely not. - No, that's (beep) up. - This guy doesn't talk to anyone. - And can you imagine asking that? Like, "Hey, can I use photos
of and your pregnant bump?" - To steal from my company? - "To get paternity leave
and say that it's my baby?" - Do you guys think you could do this? - No.
- No way. - I hate lying. - And it's literally, it's
stealing from the company. It's fraud. It's really like, I'm like, no way. - Oh, I mean on a performance level. - Oh, like, could I sell it? - Like, could you sell the lie? - No, my moral compass is way too intense. My Jiminey Cricket would
be screaming in my ear. - I would just not pull it off. - I think I could keep that lie up. - I think you can because you kinda, you kind of keep to yourself
a little bit, in a way. - I would feel terrible. (crew member speaking) No, I'm saying like, No, I'm saying the lying-
- Without the stealing part. - I'm saying like, lying, without like- - Oh, I think I could do crime. - No, I'm saying like, do you think you could be like, "Oh," like, you know, "I'm having a baby in a couple months!" - The problem is at Smosh, we don't have many,
there's not many babies. - Yeah. - Brittany had a baby
and I wasn't certain. But then she brought the
baby on Try Not To Laugh, and then it was like, okay. - There it is. - And I think that's the only baby. - Yeah, I'm saying a new job. You don't talk to anyone, like- - Because clearly this
guy talks to no one. - Because clearly this guy like, do you think you could be like, oh yeah, this is my wife at home, blah, blah, blah. I think I'd, yeah, you'd you'd
really have to cook, I think. (Courtney giggling) - Full-time job to lie. - It would be a full-time job. I think that is ultimately, this is crazy. - He thought would be easy, like, what, he didn't really
think very far ahead. - We've read a lot of stories where people are screwing
over, like, their jobs. Like, and if they're working
at a big corporation, a part of me is kinda like, nah, whatever, big corporations are
screwing over everyone. But for me, that makes him an asshole, is the using a photo of
someone and like, I'm like, and it's also, it's almost less of like,
I think you're an asshole and more of like, I think you're weird. Like that's weird shit, man.
- I agree with that. - I think he's both. - Yeah, that's a red flag
on obviously many levels. But like, when you are like, oh, that's really just bad judgment. - You know, paternity leave
is something that I don't, we don't get much of here in the states. - [Courtney] No. - It is something people
really fighting hard for, for more of. And so when people take advantage of it, when they lie this, they end up screwing over the people who truly need it and want it.
- Exactly. - No, it's gross
- It should be used when it's needed.
- That's what I'm sayin'. - 'Cause I feel like, yeah,
people are gonna use this as an evidence of why
we shouldn't have it. It's like, well people are
gonna take advantage of it. - Exactly. - It's a funny headline where it's like, oh yeah, I took advantage- But it's, the reality is like, no, that's gross. - Yeah. And I feel like you're
very likely to get caught. I mean these HR people are saying they've caught people doing it and then you are committing a crime. - Is there an update?
- No. - Dang. - This episode is brought
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with code: PITREDDITFREE. Back to the show. Next story.
- Okay. - This comes from relationship advice. This is a 22-year-old woman. "My partner who's 23, a 23-year-old man, keeps complaining about losing
half of my eggs when I'm 30." - Oh. - "This is my very first relationship. We have been together for five years now. He said he never wanted to get married or anything until he met me. Recently, he's been complaining
about my age, which is 22." - Get out there. - "He says he wants to start
having children when he is 30. But since we're so close in age, half of my eggs will be gone by then. And he's worried about me being infertile or having trouble having children. I have never had any symptoms
or problems in that area, so I'm not sure why. He says he wants his wife to be at age 25 by the time he turns 33. This isn't the first time
he's talked about this. We had a convo before about this topic and he said that if I
wasn't able to have kids, then one option was for him to
have kids with another woman and then basically take the kids from her so that we can raise the kids together. He doesn't want to adopt
because it's too much money and other options are too much money. But the thing is, I'm perfectly fine and 99% sure I'll be
able to have children. I don't know if there's another woman or if he just doesn't want me anymore. I never feel good enough for him. How do I deal with this?" - That's kind of insane.
- Huh?! - That's kind of insane
for him to just be like, "You know, I'm thinking about
being a pedophile soon." - Stop! - And I'm trying to work on that. And I think that I need
to do that at some point. - I think I have a saw for this. I think she kills him. (attendees laughing) - To be real, I think this
man forgot that time exists. I think he didn't think this through. - Bro, her eggs. - Bro. Her eggs. - She should be like, "I have
twice as many eggs as normal." - "Actually I just got back
with the doctors, he said-" - "He said that have too many eggs." - I have so many (beep) eggs, dude. - I have two dozen eggs. - And that by the time I'm 30, I'll have the most eggs.
- That's too expensive! - He said, "The doctor says at 30 that I'll have the
perfect amount of eggs." - She should be, "I'm
worried that your sperm, you'll have to sperm. " - Yeah. - Yeah. - They'll forget how to swim. So she should absolutely not
have children with this guy. - No, I mean, that's the real answer. - She should get out of this relationship. - This person is being real weird. - [Shane] This is weird as hell. - And raises a good question
of, is there another woman? 'Cause suddenly he's
concerned about her age. Okay, yeah. Let me just
fix that real quick. - Y'all have never heard
of a five year plan? - So, like I said, I wanna point out, 'cause if he's like, yeah, I want someone who's
at least eight years... He wants someone who's eight
years younger than him. He's 23 now.
- So 15. - At 23 he's talking about 15 year olds. - Elvis behavior. - Elvis behavior! - He's complaining about her age, but like, making it her
problem as if, like... Like break up! - Like she can do something about it. - Yeah, and so he's saying, and it's so weird how it's worded too, where it's we can get a
baby from someone else and take the baby from them? - He's like, I got a deal, we just- - So a surrogate? Just call it a surrogate.
- That's too expensive. - I'm pretty sure this guy sounds Dennis from It's Always Sunny.
- It's Always Sunny. - But like fully evil.
- But not funny. - Yeah, just evil and stupid. - And it's so annoying too. He's completely eliminating
himself from this equation. Making it all her problem. - [Shane] Oh, totally. - Where it's like, dude,
you're growing too. You're sitting on your
little balls, gaming all day. They're probably not gonna be pristine when you're 30. Sorry, that was weird. My balls are only getting stronger, dude. That's from his perspective! What if that was my lie. I've actually had two
balls this whole time. - That'd be awesome. That
would be really awesome. - That was my big Smosh lie! - I'm not a fan of this argument either. This issue that he's raising. 'Cause there's no action item. It's like, okay, so it's
just, what are we gonna do? You're saying either surrogate or what? - He's literally just telling her, "I don't wanna have kids with you." Is basically what he is saying. He's a weirdo though. I mean the whole, if someone said like, "Yeah, when I'm 33, I want
to be with a 25-year-old." I'd be like, I am never
talking to you again. - That's crazy.
- That's the craziest shit. - Yeah. - To have like, 'cause it
sounds he almost has like goals. Which is like- - He has pedophile goals. That is what that is, like... - There's something, I don't know, and this is just me, but, you know, having your life planned out like that. Maybe, I guess for some
people it does work that. But for me it's I wanna be like, these milestones that feels so arbitrary but like, I dunno, that's just me. - It's just weird. It's
just a weird, it's weird to have it an age that
that is specific for you. This is, that makes it so weird. - And this is her first relationship and I hope she can have many fruitful- - Get out. Yeah. - She's only 22 like...
- Yeah. - Comments here. "Well, do you wanna date an idiot? Because that's not how fertility works. And he seems incapable of learning. He's telling you to your face he plans to leave you
for a younger person. I would deal with it by breaking up. OP responded. "Honestly, I don't have much knowledge on how fertility and all that work. I know just the basics,
I'm assuming she meant, although when he says things like this, I know it's BS. I have an older sister who just turned 30 and birthed a healthy baby boy. So I don't know what he's on about." Someone else said, "Male fertility also goes down with age. He's just a misogynist and
you should move on from him. A true partner will make you
feel good, happy, and loved. That's not this man." OP said, "I told him
male fertility goes down at the same age. But his reply to that
was, 'it goes down from a trillion to a billion.' When you're 30, you have like eight eggs." - Can we get a fact?
- Where is this man reading?! - Can we get a fact check on that? - Where is he? - I can guarantee you women have more than eight eggs at 30. - This guy didn't even
look at a computer screen, he just sat in a chair and got an idea. - We only can have eight eggs! - "This is just the failure of sex ed. But I'd ask him flat out, 'So your ideal partner is
currently 15 years old?' and then break up with him regardless of whatever answer he stammers out." OP said, "Yes, because when he said that, I was speechless because he once told me that I was ugly and unattractive at 17, because I was too young and he didn't it." But now he wants a wife
eight years younger than him? I don't know. This is one of those Reddit stories where I'm like, okay, hold on. You're asking for advice everything you're talking about is just, this partner is horrible. - Why do we give these men the time? - [Shane] Yeah. 'Cause he's having half
math happen in his head and he's trying to make it her problem and she's actually
trying to figure it out. - Walk Away. - I know. A last comment here. Someone said, " I dislike
your boyfriend intensely." - Yeah. Vibes. - Yeah, crazy. I don't know what happened with them, but we're about to find out,
because we have an update. (group chuckling) Three days later: "Hi everyone. I was finally able to talk
to him about everything. It was one of the hardest conversations I think I've ever had to do. But at first I did as
much research as I could and what I didn't know
about female fertility and started the discussion with that. He said he understands and if I won't have
trouble getting pregnant or having children at 30,
then we should be fine. I made sure to tell him that his comment about wanting a girl eight
years younger than him scared me and made me feel that he
would leave me as soon as I get too old. He explained that I misunderstood and he didn't want a younger woman and he knows I can't be 25 when he is 33, but it would be ideal for him because of how he thought
female fertility worked and he doesn't want pregnancy or birth to be hard on me since I'm older. Even though we talked about everything, I still don't feel
satisfied with the outcome. I continued to explain to him how hurt I was, not just
about this situation, but everything else he
has done that hurt me. Surprisingly, it didn't turn into a fight. And he tried comforting me and apologizing and promising he wouldn't do
any of those things again. And he didn't want to hurt me. I didn't really know what to say, but I did my best to be honest with him and told him that I just
couldn't do it anymore. And that I don't trust him not to hurt me or keep his promises. I also said that I deserve
to be loved and cherished and I've only been begging for him for I don't know how long. And I'm just so mentally, emotionally, and even physically exhausted. He didn't really say anything and I can't really remember
how the convo ended. I have the worst memory
and I'm just so overwhelmed with all my emotions and stress. So please bear with me and if you leave a comment,
please try and be nice. I would really appreciate it. I haven't talked to him since and he hasn't tried to
contact me or come see me. We don't live together. After that happened, I
went and talked to my mom and told her everything that happened and she's been so
supportive and comforting and just here for me since last night. I don't wanna be unhappy and miserable. I want to be loved and cherished
and cared for, et cetera. So I just really hope that
maybe there is someone that will be good for me, but honestly I can't even think
about another relationship. I wanna thank every single
person for your advice and giving it to me straightforward and also for the sweet
and supporting messages, I will be forever grateful for." This is the only update. - Wow.
- Wow. Well she did the right thing. - I'm so proud of her. I'm so proud of her
that she held her ground and still wasn't
satisfied with his answer. 'Cause it sounded weird. He, like, he really
didn't think this through before bringing the issue to her and he made a big mistake. - Yeah. - And I'm glad they haven't spoken. I think that it should be left at that, sounds they broke up. It sounds they broke up and I think she should let it ride because she is so young. And if you can comprehend the idea of someone loving and cherishing you, then that exists tenfold. Absolutely, and I'm so
glad that she had someone to support her and make
her feel more grounded in her decision than her to
potentially feel insecure and wanna go back. 'Cause like, that can happen
when you're really young. - It's just insane that he
was telling her this plan. Like he determined something
so insane like this without even doing a
second of research himself. - Not even, or critical thinking of like, and him still almost
doubling down of like, yeah, I know you can't be 25 when I'm 33. But it would be pretty cool. It's like, what do you want? Like, what do you want, dude? - No, I think this showed
a lot of stuff beneath that she does not wanna
find out more about. And she should just get outta there. - And it totally, a lot
of it is misogynistic and him making it her problem
and her responsibility and making her feel bad for her age, something she cannot control. And she made the right decision, 100%. - I hope he never finds someone. - I hope he reads one book. - Yeah, reading a book could help. - Reading a book could be nice. - Dare I say any book?
- Any book, yeah. - There's some books that
he probably shouldn't read. - Fair.
- You're right. - Comments here. "I'm proud of you OP,
and I'm sorry as well. It's hard to go through breakups, but with time, this too shall pass." Op responded. "I'm just
impatiently waiting for the time to pass and
trying to distract myself with everything possible. Thank you so much for being so kind." Someone else said, "I know
you're hurting right now, but you're going to
look back on this later as one of the best
decisions you ever made. This man sees women as
incubators, not people. You deserve someone that loves
you with their whole heart and sees you as a human being. That's the bare minimum. I remember reading your last post and being very, very worried for you. I'm so relieved you have
chosen to exit this toxic and unhealthy relationship. I've been in your position and you're probably
second-guessing yourself and thinking about his good qualities. Let me tell you something. Even the worst people- Even the worst person on the
planet has some good qualities. That's not a reason to overlook
bad behavior in misogyny. You did the right thing by breaking up and do not let this man
back into your life. You'll never be happy, and he'll
always treat you an object. I'm so proud of you for leaving. Lean on your loved ones
and focus on healing, you've got this." OP responded. "You're right. I have been second-guessing myself, but then I just make sure I
remember all the horrible, horrible things and it erases
all of my second guessing. I still wish I could find someone that will love and
cherish me for who I am, but at the same time I don't want anyone, I'd rather be myself because this was really just traumatizing. Thank you so much for your
kindness and advice and support. I appreciate it all." - Yeah, one thing I will say is like, we only got a tiny sliver of what this relationship dynamic was, but even in the little
information she shared, she said, "Oh yeah, he
called me unattractive when I was a certain (beep)." The gall to say that to someone that you're supposed
to love and respect is- - The gall to saying that
to literally anybody. - Yeah. - It's super weird. It's
a very strange thing. It's horrible to say to anyone. It's a very strange thing
to say to your partner, 'cause saying that you're unattractive, it's like, the what? What? - You know him. - [Shane] What are you doing? - Yeah, I think people
get it mixed up sometimes when they're in a
relationship where it's like, your relationship at its best can be a safe space where you guys can be unapologetically yourselves and really say anything to each other. And I think the saying
anything to each other, people get confused, like this guy of like, I'm just gonna say whatever I want and I should be able
to say whatever I want because you're my partner
and you tolerate me. That's not the case. And you should still
completely respect that person. - No, he's super manipulative and shitty. - It's crazy he didn't see this on Reddit. It sounds he's on Reddit. - He does sound like he's on Reddit. I think he saw one of those tweets where it's like, "Did you know maybe women have eight eggs?" - Maybe? - And he was like, "Oh, no, it is time to manipulate my partner!" - Alright, next story. "Am I the for telling my
wife she's not famous?" "My wife, Meg Ryan-" (group laughing) - My wife, Zoe Saldana! - Dennis Quaid? - My wife, yeah. Well this was written by Dennis Quaid. - Let's go! - I'm a 37-year-old man,
and my wife Jane, who's 28, we've been together for five
years and married for two. Our relationship was always good, but it's taken a downturn, recently. When we got together, we had the same job, made similar amounts of money and attended a lot of social events both separately and together. A year ago, Jane won a
life-changing amount of money, in the millions, and quit her job to set up some charities that help our local community. She's always been active in our community. She donates books to
the library, volunteers for book groups, goes to
community council, et cetera. But ever since setting up her
charities, she spends a lot of time away from home and at events. She always invites me, but I rarely go as
they're long and boring. And frankly, the amount of
them she goes to is exhausting. She's now so well-known in the community. We can't go out without someone talking to her on the street or recognizing her. I feel I'm in a relationship with her voicemail sometimes. I decided to confront her about it and we had a massive argument during which she said, she enjoys talking to
people in our community and hearing how she helped them. I told her she's selfish and throwing money at a small ass town doesn't make her famous. She said she wasn't trying to be, and that I know how much the community and helping people means to her and why, that I had gone too far. She's now staying with her
aunt and won't talk to me. - I wonder why! - Sounds pretty famous to me, bro. - Up until then, there's some things that are said in this of like, oh, I feel I'm in a relationship
with her voicemail and all these things and she's
going to so many of these, it's exhausting and I'm like, okay. I think those are okay. Those are fair. - Those are things you should be able to talk to you wife about. - But what you do is you talk to her and you go, "Hey, this
relationship is tough for me." "And the dynamic right now, it feels you are far more concerned with this aspect of your
life than our relationship. What is your priority? And like,
we should figure that out." And that's an honest
conversation you have, but he went a really petty route with it. And he is not being honest with
her about how he's feeling. - No, he seemed rude about it. - No, it seems he wants her to be smaller. I mean, 'cause like, I tend to read into the little things when it comes to these stories a lot. But him starting the story
off with his comfort level, which was them being at
the same type of job, same type of income, same thing. Like, and now she's blown up and she's doing all these things and it doesn't, maybe they're not spending as much time together as they used to, or there were things that were directly affecting
their relationship. Some of that would make sense. But it just sounds he's
annoyed at her success. - Yeah. - And she's going to events and he says that they're exhausting. She has her own life and
he's threatened by that. - Yeah. - And declaring her not famous, and she was like, "I wasn't trying to be." He wanted to hurt her feelings. And like, it's okay. It's just, I'm reading a
lot into that first setup of everything was fine when
we were technically equals, and now that she's bigger than
me, I'm intimidated by her. - Yeah, 'cause he's not explicitly, 'cause what I was trying to, I think what I almost inferred at parts, but I don't think is
the case, is I was like, "Oh, do you just wanna
spend more time with her?" But I don't know if that's, that's not the entire thing
I'm getting from this. He seems to just be complaining
about her in general. Yeah, going back, just always
pointing these things out, He's 37, she's 28. I am saying, with these Reddit stories, there's just typically a trend of like, when the man, when a person's a lot older
than the other person, there just always does seem like to be a controlling element. And he seems to be upset
that he's not, like, that she is now so much out of his control and he can't control her life. - It sounds he's got the perfect life. - Because I mean, he could, - He's got a rich-ass wife? - I think it is weird. It tends to be like, obviously those ages are very different and they are at different
points in their lives. So it's like, yeah, you're 37, of course these parties
are exhausting to you. - You're like-
- Yeah, that's a good point. - You're at a different stage. But when, and it's like, it's just unfortunately
serves that dynamic of he's dating someone
so much younger than him. He had an idea of who she was and now that she's not
serving that picture, similar to the previous story, where it's like, you're not
part of the picture that I want. And since she has her own life that goes beyond him and
he's intimidated by that. - And I will also, they've
been together for five years, so she was 23 and he was 32. My personal thought, I'm 32. I couldn't, that would be so weird. - That's a big jump.
- That's so weird. - I feel if you're
willing to marry someone at that age, first of all, don't. But like, some people prefer
to get married at earlier ages, but just be prepared for life changes and people to be growing in those times. - 23 to my life, 23 to
32, I mean, that is... - You do a lot of living
between those years. - So much shit. And like, I know 23-year-olds
and they're cool. I have tons of friends who are 23. - 23-year-olds are cool? (group faintly chatting) - But like, as far as a
relationship goes on that level, I'm like, dude, there is so much, that there is like... - I mean, there is a lot
to the, like, I think, this might be a little like, but almost, like, I kind
of understand his feelings. Like, you know, my wife's like, our relationship has
changed, which is hard if you've gone through that, you know when the dynamics change, but the way he's gone
about it is like all wrong. It comes from, it seems a very, 'cause you should be, there
should be some selfishness, a lot in a relationship. You should be able to
ask your partner like, "Hey, I wanna see more of you." Like, I wanna see, that's
a normal rational ask, but it's... - And if he'd gone to her and said, "Hey, I wanna spend more time with you." - It sounds he went about
this in the complete wrong and it sounds like, you know, he's just a little bitter. - Yeah, and it's also, it is also okay to go to your partner and go, "Hey, you have a lot of power now and you are this hugely
influential person in this town and I sometimes feel you don't need me, or I feel I'm not good enough for you." - Him telling her that
she's not famous is crazy. That's just an odd thing to say. - When we read that title, I thought she was doing a
lot of social media stuff and wanting to be famous. And I was like, "Ha ha." And then this was different. - It sometimes happens where some people, when their peers start
doing really great things or succeeding, like, his
wife is literally donating so much money to charity and is being celebrated
for that, reasonably so. And his inner demons are crawling out and clearly making her the
enemy in this situation. - Some comments here. "You're the asshole. Easy case. Your title is wrong, though. It should be, am I the asshole for being insecure over my rich
wife helping her Community?" OP responded, "I'm not
insecure, I'm upset." (Spencer laughs) 379 down votes. Someone responded to that.
"Yep, upset that your wife is doing better than you." OP responded, "No." No, no! "Upset that she's never home and we barely spend time together." 315 down votes. "So go with her to the events." OP, "I do go to some,
but they're very boring and not really my thing." 137 down votes. Just does not get it. - Grow up! - "You're the asshole. You are misplacing your frustration. The problem is not with what she does, rather than she being far less available and present in your marriage. Instead of attacking the
values of what she does, start communicating how deserted
you feel in your marriage to her and try to see whether there is an iota of shared
values and interests left that can keep your marriage together and don't question the
value of what she does. The town may be small, yet she tries to help with her own money. This line of reasoning, undermining and ridiculing what she does will not do you any favors
if you truly want her." OP responded. "Thank you for your advice." 105 down votes. I love that
the chat just hates him. - No, there there's a certain point where it just becomes hate. - Yeah, you're not gonna win. And he doesn't deserve a win. - Frankly.
- He sucks really bad. I hope she leaves him. - I hope he takes a long,
hard look in the mirror. - I don't think he's going to. - Yeah. - Not based on. - Might be afraid of when he sees. - Not based on those responses. - Just, "No." - "No, I'm not!" - It's that drill tweet where it's like, "Don't don't put it in
the news, I'm not owned." - "I'm not owned!" Okay, here we go. Our last story. "My future Sister-in-law
is legitimately stupid and I do not want my
brother to marry her." (Courtney cackling)
- Okay! - How stupid? - This came from Off My chest. - Okay.
- Okay. And ended up on "Am I the Devil?" All of these ended up on "Am I the Devil?" "My future sister-in-law
is legitimately stupid and I do not want my brother to marry her. My future sister-in-law, who's 25, is breathtakingly stupid
and I cannot stand her. And I do not want her to be the mother of my future nieces and nephews. Our father lost his left leg below the knee in an accident before my brother and I were born. And when she first came over to our house to meet me and my parents, she said, "Oh wow! It's crazy how brother and OP didn't inherit that!" We all laughed uncomfortably,
thinking it was a bad joke. She didn't laugh. Even after my brother explained it wasn't a genetic
defect, it was an injury, she still thought there was a possibility that my brother or I would
be born with a missing leg. She told us she believed
in Santa until she was 16 and her parents had to break it to her and it broke her heart. You know the joke that 'The
pee is stored in the balls?'" - No. - "She thought that was real. She asked my brother how
come pee didn't come out when he came during sex. She commented that she never
sees pink lemons in the store. She literally thought pink lemonade was made from pink lemons. She didn't realize Donald Trump, the actor and Donald Trump the president
were the same person. And speaking of Trump, she too tried to look at the solar eclipse without sunglasses, despite
my brother pleading with her to keep them on." (Courtney giggling) "She thought blood diamonds
meant they were made from blood. And we found out because she asked, 'How come they aren't red?'" - This is Amelia Bedelia. (group laughing) - That's good! - She thought in order to
play for a city sports team, you had to be from that city. So it confused her when one
of our players got traded, she asked, 'Well, what
other team do we have here?' She didn't think platypuses is were real." That's still up for debate. I've not seen one. - I've not seen one.
- I've not seen one. - "She, oh, she once tried to correct me when I mentioned something being a hundred million dollars. She goes, 'Don't you mean a billion?' Because she didn't think a hundred million was a real number. She thought it was 99
million and then 1 billion. She thinks the moon gives off light. I tried to tell her it's
the reflection from the sun. And she argued with me, saying that couldn't be true because the sun was down behind the earth and if it was lighting the moon, it would light up the entire world. She thought," oh (beep). - Spence, Shane, guys? - Oh (beep). - Guys, let her speak! - I love her so much!
- Yeah! - Let's hear what you
think after this one. She thought Obama did the
"I have a dream" speech. (group laughing) - Let's (beep) go dude! - I got nothing for that one. - Me too. - I could go on for days
and I might edit this post as I remember more examples
of her dumbass moments. - Okay. - "She's been with my brother
since he was in college. She was not in college with him. They met at a music festival. She literally said she
didn't want to go to college because it seemed super hard." - She cooked!
- She did cook there. She cooked. "I have such a hard time being around her. I do not understand what the
(beep) my brother sees in her. Do not get it. He's a software engineer
making six figures and she works as a hairdresser, so I see why she's with him. I want to ask him why he would want to marry such a (beep) moron." - Oh my God! - It's embarrassing when she talks and he brings her around
people he works with. I would be mortified if I was him. I asked my parents about
having an intervention with him after he announced
that he was proposing to her and they told me no and that
they thought she was sweet and that my brother
considers her his best friend and they work well together. Does no one else worry that she could make a terrible decision and severely affect my brother? Or when they have kids, she
could put them in harm's way? What could she possibly teach them? It's not a matter of her
being innocently stupid. She could have real life consequences to being this dimwitted. Oh man! - She sounds like, look.
- She sounds a dream. - Obama, MLK aside. (group laughing) She sounds awesome. She sounds a blast to be around. She's constantly, you
know, looking at things from a different
perspective if she's nice? - Yeah, and listen, like,
she's asking the questions and she's wanting to, she's learning! - What if they're getting pranked? What if if the sister-in-law
is actually really smart and she's just playing dumb? - It's just like in golden boy. - Yeah. - Because the Obama, I
have a dream speech... that's crazy.
- That's crazy. - That's fully nuts.
- Yeah, that's pretty tough. That's that one. I mean the pink lemons,
guys, I mean it's a lot. It's a lot.
- That doesn't sound crazy. - The pink lemons, I can almost forget. I can forgive that. - What makes pink lemonade pink? - Raspberries.
- Really? - Or strawberries.
- I did not know that. - I thought it was just artificial flavor. - I thought it was artificial pink. - I just assume it's fake. - That's crazy. - Pink milk is strawberry milk. - That's crazy. I did know that. - That is true, I did know that pink milk is strawberry milk. - I do know that. - I think they need to be nicer to her because she's asking the questions and she's doing her best! And this op is valid in being
concerned for the wellbeing of their brother's children. But their brother, at the end of the day, is an adult and a smart one. And if that's his best
friend, that's great. That's so, what little
colorful life they have. - God, are there, are there any more? - I want more examples so bad, 'cause that shit, I mean it's like's Peter Griffin level. - No, it's really funny.
- It's funny. - Donald Trump, the actor and
Donald Trump the president. Are two different people. That's awesome! - It sounds like this... - What a world she gets to live in! - She, I think she lived
a very sheltered life, like this, this gives homeschool
energy, like big time. I relate to it. I relate to some of these misconceptions. Not the MLK-Obama one. Sometimes when you grow
up in a very sheltered or a very specific household, you don't learn a lot
of common sense things. Or sometimes, like, you
know, if you have a lot of siblings, sometimes the
siblings start raising each other and then not all the
good things are taught and common sense kind of gets lost. And so it really is not her fault. You know, college is hard. - I was gonna say!
- And expensive. - You think I wanted to go? - College is super hard.
She was right on that one. - I knew a girl similar
to this in high school and I always, I thought she was so cool
'cause she was just so willing. She would like, if there
was a very common word that she didn't know what it meant, she would be like, what
does that word mean? That's the only way we can learn. - I always appreciate people
who are willing to ask a question, even if it's
gonna make them look stupid. The only thing that I fault her for is when she's arguing with them. Arguing about the sun and I'm like, if you don't know something
then just be like- - She doesn't know what she doesn't know! - That's true. - My friend was the
valedictorian for, like, my rival school and until
he was in eighth grade, he thought, you know, you
how you have hair bangs? He thought they were "vangs." Like, with a "v."
- Bangs on your head? - Well that is a fun thing. Some really smart people are
ridiculously stupid in arenas that you wouldn't realize.
- [Courtney] So true. - I feel if this was a movie, what'll end up happening
is they'll be driving in a car together and it'll break down and she'll get out and be
able to fix the car perfectly. It's like, "Oh you're
really smart in that arena." Like, there's totally multiple
areas of intelligence. Comments here, "My roommate once dated a guy who said, 'Women are so lucky, if you get stranded on a remote island without food, you can just drink your
breast milk to survive.' He thought we just lactated all the time; pregnant, nursing or not." Someone said, "Being intelligent obviously isn't a partner priority when
it comes to your brother. I would simply limit my time around her. And any negative implications of their relationship
isn't really your problem. You can't be more worried about someone else's future than they do. I guess you could have a
conversation with your brother, but I think you need to start with hearing why he
does want to marry her, then go from there." Lastly, someone said, "If this was about 20 years ago, I'd be sure you were
talking about my cousin. She's not the sharpest
knife in the drawer. More of a spoon, a blunt
one. And she knows it. Her mom, whose fault it is,
whose fault it was, anyhow. Don't do booze and drugs when pregnant. Made sure she didn't forget
that she was born stupid. Here's the thing though,
she's one of the kindest, most loving, most caring people I know and an absolutely best
mom any kid could ask for. Yeah, if you tell her a joke, it'll take her a while to
process it and laugh about it. But you're sad and need to talk about it? She's got a sixth sense about it and you'll literally feel
her turning her high beams of empathy towards you
until you feel better. Her husband of 20 plus years adores her. Her kids love her to bits. She's never going to be the
greatest conversationalist, but having her as your friend or family will enrich all of your lives." (Courtney hums)
Yeah. - I think the theme of a
lot of these stories today is kind of people getting bent outta shape out of things that are so
far outta their control. And they, it's, at the end of the day, it's your feelings or your responsibility and there's so much
freedom in just letting go. - Yeah. Being like, oh,
I don't need to care. - Yeah. It's a choice. - Who do we think was the
biggest devil of the day? - Ooh. - Yeah, we had Dance Dance Revolution guy who yelled at a kid.
- Right. - We had a tattoo jealousy person. - Tattoo jealousy person was probably- - Oh yeah, biggest asshole.
- They sucked. - That was probably my favorite story. - Fire hydrant person? - Yeah.
- Crazy. - Fire hydrant person
probably is number one for me, 'cause they drove drunk. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - They put people in the most danger - We had vacuuming up the ashes, replacing it with dirt. - Dude, all bangers. - Pretty bad. Faking paternity leave. And then egg man. - Egg man! Egg man! - Guy who's jealous about his rich wife. And then finally, person
who's complaining about stupid sister-in-law. - God, we should get
them in a room together. - Yeah.
- I love this. - They'll really cook up something dumb. - Oh yeah, that's so fun. - They're all pretty bad. - Yeah, I'd say the tattoo guy because he clearly wanted to
hurt his sister's feelings and then the ashes guy. Those two, obviously,
without drinking and driving and fundamental horrible things aside, it's ashes or tattoos for me. Because ashes was crazy,
that, you buried a body bro! - I think Egg Man is
probably number one asshole because a lot of these
other people I think are just really dumb. - [Spencer] Yeah. - Even the Ashes guy, I'm
like, that was really stupid. - Yeah, there's- - Like, you didn't set out to hurt- - Like, take a second! - You didn't you didn't set out to hurt your wife, but
you were really dumb and you didn't think about it at all. - Yeah. that one was a little, that was the only one that
felt a little malicious. - Yeah!
- Yeah. Thank you both for joining me. This has been a blast reading about absolutely horrible people. And thank you all for watching and let us know what other themes and subreddits you want us to cover and we'll see you next Saturday
for more wild bullshit! - You both are the angel! - (gasps) Am I the pebble? - I don't know what that means. - Am I the pebble?
