TUMBLR POSTS V305

i'm performing wizard tricks shoots you with a real gun but in a wizardly way a great white shark but the size of a cat and with puffy teeth unable to cause any damage and moves by dragging itself across the ground makes for a great pet pat pad the pacific ocean is wider than the moon anyway how's your day going dip moon like cookie maximum pacific ocean depth equals 11 kilometers moon diameter equals 3 400 kilometers so yeah no dip [Music] the trans flag needs some sick flame decals and a skeleton on a motorcycle ride or die i know that the word recess probably means something different in the adult world but it's still very funny to see the headline congress takes a recess in the middle of covered relief discussion ted cruz runs around outside on the courtyard pretending to be his warrior cat socks tonight and hissing at any nearby democrats older forms of english kept latin's gender-specific suffixes tour and tricks taurus for men and tricks is for women so a male pilot is an aviator a female pilot is an aviatrix a male fighter is a gladiator a female fighter is a gladiatrix this contrasts with the modern system where taurus for both men and women and tricks are for kids you come into my house the tumblr app keeps trying to get me to join a group chat whose splash image is a twinkie panda boy in an artsy uniform and i cannot adequately express how little i want to do that [Music] i don't play assassin's creed but is this like the entire plot line or something this is literally all you do in the game till blind people have a hard time drawing because they interpret the world as three-dimensional and struggle to portray it as two-dimensional and here i am an idiot thinking it's because they can't see no reason for you to hate raccoons they are just tiny dogs in need of a loving and caring home dogs don't have hands i don't get people like bezos if i had billions of dollars i would impulsively start fixing homeless vets i don't think so hungry children not on my watch he could be batman what a waste if you're the kind of person who would do that you never become bizarre in the first place my dad owned a business my whole life it was profitable but it didn't expand i asked him once why he never grew it and he said it's nearly impossible without climbing on someone's back your vendors your customers your employees particularly that last one you don't wait until your business is big to be a good human being the very first time you have to choose between your own profit and your employees health insurance you choose the later you give maternity leave even though the government doesn't make you you dock your own salary to not lay people off during a recession you have adequate staffing and reliable hours anybody who says you can't run a retail business on a normal reasonable predictable schedule you know in advance is full of my dad did it for 35 years always have one more person than you think you need and 98 of your staffing problems vanish it's just not maximum profit if you don't prioritize extracting profit from every corner of your business you never become rich enough to give billions away one of the things my father is proud of is that by the time he retired they hadn't needed to take a help wanted out in 30 years turnover was low and when a spot opened referrals filled it me talking to a man i know i know yeah i know i know i'm aware yes i already know that pressing b to skip dialogue [Music] when i was a freshman ara's name was hunter but he was vegan so we ended up nicknaming him gatherer and i still haven't gotten over that mayo during high school some of us german students went on this exchange trip to europe one of the kids in our group was named miles and so we decided to call him kilometers while we were staying in europe cashier i'm sorry it's going to be a five-minute wait for your food old people let me speak to your manager this never would have happened in my day and yet you all want the minimum wage raised i'm going to kill you cashier i'm sorry it's going to be a five minute wait for your food millennials okay my apologies i apologize for the inconvenience i'm sorry i'm here me walking into a store are you guys busy i can come back later please don't push yourselves on my account things happen had a baby boomer in front of me at the dairy queen she insisted she was a blizzard expert and there was simply not enough chocolate pieces in her blizzard and she wanted to complain to whoever is in charge she's going on and on with this teenager the teenager is calmly explaining they make them all the same etc etc procedure etc etc but this woman is now yelling at the team so i walk past the woman and put money in teen's tip jar haven't even got an ice cream yet woman looks at me turns back and yells some more with a team i put more money in the tip jar the teen smiles at me the woman can't think of what to say to me and stops yelling because i'm looking at her dead in the eye like atm is over there i can go all night the more you yell at her the more money she makes aggressive generosity to combat boomer selfishness is so punk weaponize compassion [Music] this randomly landed on our porch last night after a storm this is a no man get off the counter i ain't telling him you tell him hold spray bottle in a very shaky hand did you call undertale a webcomic sir i haven't read it i think you got home stuck and undertale confused why would i have seen the sequel if i never watched the original [Music] hell propaganda offers you an evil retirement plan and extremely good evil workplace benefits but do you offer evil dental health propaganda of course i said it was extremely good evil workplace benefits and that is the bare minimum smh all of my henchmen have dental if some hero comes in and punches one of your teeth out while you're guarding my lair or any of its many nefarious secrets i will ensure you get seen by one of the finest dentists money can buy excellent i look forward to working with your evil team and being a part of your nefarious schemes and plots hell propaganda thank you i'm overthrowing god when you have to make your own food and you've been watching too much food network lately what you have before you are deconstructed rustic chicken breast fret is coated lightly in breadcrumbs and toasted until crisp and golden the sauce is a tomato worcestershire and vinegar reduction with the vinegar for some brightness and some brown sugar for sweetness to offset the yummy of a chicken when i'm with him i have impure thoughts i really want to cuddle and hold hands and stuff i bet you want to be called by your first name too you thirsty prostitute just realized cowboys go yehor and ninjas gohiyo i missed 10 seconds ago when i didn't know this thing existed treatment resistant depression oh do you mean continued unhealthy circumstances take spills wait why am i still not okay with living in a system that's openly hostile to human life and happiness must be a real bad illness hey girls what's up what's the hot gossip what's new what's the 411 everything is bad and getting worse by the day my favorite misunderstanding i've had to clear up so far was a japanese person asking me about the word f because apparently someone had told him if he said f in america that he might be killed on the spot which i think is the funniest lie that i've ever heard damn how brave was he feeling when he asked you that when you think about it fish are problematic because they pioneered evolution and that led to the suffering of mankind if you think about it fish are responsible for has been hotel and both world wars i was a professional juggler for like five years and all of my friends politely pretend it never happened sometimes i will be holding three or more similarly sized objects and they will all shoot me the kind of warning glances typically reserved for cats who are about to swipe a fresh and crispy fish stick from a small child's hand i gaze whisked fully at a basket of apples and they all think don't you [ __ ] dare so hard that i take psychic damage [Music] bottled water and and what and a nervous breakdown in aisle 11 floor soup is on the menu again tonight fellas dragged my spoon across the floor i hate this king restaurant why do we always eat here the trope of a like all-purpose scientist can be annoying but also sometimes it's very fun if it's in character that they would just study everything like sometimes it's suspendably believable sometimes a character is like i'm a scientist and are like okay cool what's your field and they're like yes and i can just accept this because they're like that if you have an all-purpose scientist character you need to have a scene where they count their phds on their fingers highlight the absurdity of this person knowing everything it's funny let doctor science be funny have other academics look at them like what the f what the f so [Music] you

Channel: BrainyDude

Views: 23,322

Rating: 4.9333334 out of 5

Keywords: tumblr, posts, tumblr top posts, top posts, tumblr stories, madlads, brainydude, funny tumblr stories, funny tumblr posts, tumblr posts, funny, reddit, subreddit, Tumblr top posts, reddit top posts, clumsy, comment awards, Best of reddit, top posts of all time, r/tumblr, memes, dank doodle memes, best of reddit, tumblr awards, tumblr memes, askreddit funny, askreddit, reddit stories, reddit memes, funny reddit, best memes, tumblr wumblr

Id: VpsG-ClMxik

Length: 11min 21sec (681 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 21 2020