WITH THE ONGOING SAGA OF DONALD JUDEO-CHRISTIAN TRUMP WHO EARLIER THIS WEEK WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY THE F.B.I. WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO HOARD CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. WHAT DID THE F.B.I. FIND? WHY WOULD TRUMP BE KEEPING THE DOCUMENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE? HAS TRUMP SECRETLY BEEN ABLE TO READ THIS ENTIRE TIME?! ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW WE MAY BE GETTING A LITTLE MORE INSIGHT INTO WHY THE F.B.I. MOVED IN ON MAR-A-LAGO. >> TONIGHT, BRAND-NEW REPORTING ABOUT WHAT LED THE F.B.I. TO EXECUTE A SEARCH WARRANT MONDAY AT TRUMP'S FLORIDA HOME. THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" REPORTING THAT THE FEDS MAY HAVE GOTTEN A TIPOFF FROM AN INSIDER AFTER OFFICIALS VISITED MAR-A-LAGO BACK IN JUNE TO ASK ABOUT GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS POSSIBLY STORED THERE. SOMEONE FAMILIAR WITH THE STORED PAPERS TOLD INVESTIGATORS THERE MAY STILL BE MORE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AT THE TRUMP CLUB. >> TRUMP WORLD IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO FLIPPED. ACCORDING TO "ROLLING STONE," TRUMP IS WORRIED HE MAY HAVE A RAT OR MULTIPLE RATS IN HIS MIDST. HE'S WONDERING IF HIS PHONES ARE TAPPED OR EVEN IF HIS BUDDIES COULD BE WEARING A WIRE. >> Trevor: OH, NO! ( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF TRUMP'S FRIENDS COULD BE WEARING A WIRE? THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO BECAUSE NOW HE'S GOT TO TELL RUDY GIULIANI AND STEVE BANNON TO TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF? ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT WOULD BE LIKE, TAKE IT -- YOU KNOW WHAT? ON SECOND THOUGHT, I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF. ( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE, I AM GOING TO BE SHOCKED. I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD BETRAY TRUMP'S TRUST LIKE THIS WITHOUT GETTING A BOOK DEAL FIRST. YOU'RE LEAVING MONEY ON THE TABLE, PEOPLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BEFORE MAGA WORLD TEARS ITSELF APART TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S THE RAT, I THINK YOU ALL COULD CONSIDER THE FACT TRUMP COULD BE THE LEAK BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING WE'RE LEARNED IS HE'S THE KING OF SNITCHING ON HIMSELF. FOR ALL WE KNOW HE WAS PRICE BRG ABOUT IT AS THE MAR-A-LAGO CAFE -- THIS CHOCOLATE CAKE IS ALMOST AS UNFORGETTABLE AS THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN MY BASEMENT, AND IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME! THAT'S A REAL PICTURE OF HIM AT IF BUFFET. WE HAVE DIDN'T CREATE THAT. NOW IF WE HAD MORE TIME WE WOULD GET INTO HOW TRUMP HAD SUCH A TIGHT CONTROL ON THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THEY WERE WILLING TO PUT HIM ABOVE THE LAW OR CONVINCING THE SEARCH IS JUSTIFIED BUT WE DON'T HAVE TIME BECAUSE WHILE TRUMP IS FIGHTING OFF THE F.B.I. TWO FORMER TRUMP OFFICIALS ARE TRYING TO DODGE IRANIAN ASSASSINS. >> A MEMBER OF IRAN'S ELITE REVOLUTIONARY GUARD IS CHARGED IN AN ALLEGED PLOT TO MURDER FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON. >> INVESTIGATORS SAY THE ALLEGED MURDER FOR HIRE PLOT BEGAN TO TAKE SHAPE AFTER THIS DRONE STRIKE IN IRAQ ASSASSINATED A GENERAL OVER TWO YEARS AGO, IRAN IS HAVING RETALIATION. A MEMBER OF THE REVOLUTIONARY GUARD WAS OFFERED $300,000 TO MURDER BOLTON. >> THE IS F.B.I. ALLEDGES HE HAD A SECOND JOB FOR $1 MILLION, THE TARGET FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO. >> Trevor: THAT'S RIGHT, AMERICA ASSASSINATED IRAN'S TOP GENERAL, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S MOST RESPECTED AND FEARED MEN, AROUND IRAN RESPONDED BY TRYING TO KILL JOHN BOLTON AND MIKE POMPEO? ( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT THE SAME LEVEL. IT'S, LIKE -- IT'S LIKE IF YOUR WIFE SLEPT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU'RE LIKE, OH, YEAH? WELL I HOOKED UP WITH THE I.T. GUY AT YOUR OFFICE! OKAY. ( LAUGHTER ) IN SOME WAYS, IT ACTUALLY SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW DIVIDED AMERICA IS. YEAH. THAT IT HAS NOBODY AS RESPECTED AS SOLEIMANI WAS IN IRAN. IF ANYONE GOT ASSASSINATED IN AMERICA HALF THE COUNTRY WOULD BE LIKE, HELL, YEAH, THANK YOU, IRAN! $300,000 FOR BOLTON BUT A MILLION FOR POMPEO? ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A BIG DIFFERENCE IN PRICE. I ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR JOHN BOLTON. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE, BEING ON AN ASSASSIN'S HIT LIST OR HAVING THE ASSASSIN FIND YOU AND THE ASSASSIN JUMPING OUT LIKE, JOHN BOLTON! I'M LOOKING FOR A MORE IMPORTANT PERSON TO KILL! DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND HIM? YES, YES? POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION. ( LAUGHTER ) IF IRAN WAS WILLING TO PAY A MILLION DOLLARS TO KILL IRAN'S SECRETARY OF STATE THEY SHOULD ASK TRUMP TO DO IT. HE WAS GOING TO HAVE HIS VICE PRESIDENT KILLED FOR FREE. THINK ABOUT IT. I FEEL BAD FOR JOHN BOLTON. YES HE'S TRYING TO BOMB OTHER COUNTRIES AND BRAGS ABOUT TRYING TO OVERTHROW GOVERNMENT BUT BEING HUNTED BY THE IRANIANS CAN'T BE FUN. EXPLAINS WHY HE'S WEARING THE STUPID FAKE MUSTACHE THE WHOLE TIME. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S REAL? SORRY. MY BAD. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW IF WE HAD MORE TIME, WE COULD TALK ABOUT HOW AMERICA SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH ASSASSINATING FOREIGN OFFICIALS WHENEVER THEY LOOK BUT ACTS SURPRISE WHEN OTHER COUNTRIES WANT REVENGE. YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED THE OTHER CHEEK! WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME BECAUSE WHEN IRAN IS TRYING TO GET RID OF PEOPLE, JAPAN IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO HAD PEOPLE TO THE POPULATION, THE ONLY PROBLEM IS WHO THEY PUT IN CHARGE OF THAT. >> JAPAN PUT IN PLACE THE FEMALE CHARGED WITH REVERSING THE DROPPING BIRTH RATED WITH A MAN WHO GAINED AN UNDERSTANDING BY WEARING A SIMULATED PREGNANCY BELLY FOR 24 HOURS, TELLING THE REPORTERS WEIRING THE 16-POUND PROSTHETIC LEFT HIM WITH SYMPATHY FOR WOMEN AND BACK PAIN. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE DUMBEST SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. IF HAVING A BIG BELLY HELPED MEN UNDERSTAND WOMEN, THE PATRIARCHY WOULD BE LONG GONE. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING EVER. WHAT A BITCH-ASS. ONE DAY AND HE WAS, LIKE, OH, MY BACK! BUT ASIDE FROM TRYING TO MISS DOUBT FIRE THEIR FALLING POPULATION PROBLEM, JAPAN IS TRYING TO EVERYTHING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEIR PEOPLE AREN'T HAVING MORE BABIES. I'M NOT A SCIENTIST, BUT IF YOU ASK ME, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THEY INVENTED THE PlayStation. YEAH. THAT THING HAS PREVENTED MORE PREGNANCIES THAN EVERY CONDOM, DIAPHRAGM AND I.U.D. EVER MADE EVER! ( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S REAL BIRTH CONTROL. YEAH. HE WILL BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, BABY, READY TO HAVE SOME SEX? WE'LL HAVE REAL SEX TONIGHT -- LET ME FINISH THIS MISSION. THE R.P.G.! YOU BOYS GET ONLINE! WE'RE GOING ALL NIGHT! PAIN BABY, YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT ME. YEAH! JAPAN IS AN EXAMPLE OF AT SOME POINT YOUR POPULATION WILL COLLAPSE IF YOU'RE LAWS ARE SO RESTRICTED OR JAPAN'S SECRETARY HAS A PROBLEM OF RAW DOGGING. WE HAVE TO GO TO A BREAK. BEFORE WE DO, WE'LL CHECK IN ON THE WEATHER BE DESI LYDIC, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, DESI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO, DESI, YOU GOING TO TELL US ABOUT THE WEATHER? >> YES, TREVOR. LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER A MAN SHOULD BE WEARING A FAKE PREGNANCY BELLY. LET ME JUST SAY, AS AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN PRESENT, THE BELLY IS ONLY 10% OF THE FULL EXPERIENCE. IT WOULD BE MORE REALISTIC IF YOU WORE THE FAKE BELLY AND GOT PUNCHED IN THE DICK 36 HOURS STRAIGHT, THEN THE DICK GOT RIPPED OFF, THEN HE HAD TO RAISE THAT DICK FOR 18 YEARS. THE MIRACLE OF LIFE. AT LEAST HE'S TRYING, THOUGH. AND THAT GOES BOTH WAYS. I'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT, WHICH IS I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE MALE EXPERIENCE BETTER BY ACTING LIKE A MAN. LIKE I WOULD BE GETTING PAID MORE FOR NO REASON, I HAVE THREE FRIENDS NAMED KYLE, TALKING A LOT ABOUT BITCOIN EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BITCOIN. >> Trevor: WOW, DESI, SOUNDS LIKE YOU REALLY -- >> I HAVE BEEN INTERRUPTING PEOPLE MORE. ( APPLAUSE ) >> Trevor: GREAT. WELL, MAYBE -- >> IT'S EASY ONCE YOU GET THE HANG OF IT. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: SO IF WE -- >> ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE STARTS TALKING AND THEN YOU START TALKING. >> Trevor: DESI, I KNOW WHAT INTERRUPTING IS. IT'S WHEN YOU SPEAK ON TOP OF SOMEBODY ELSE. >> UH, ACTUALLY, TREVOR, IT'S WHEN YOU INTERJECT BEFORE SOMEONE'S COMPLETED THEIR THOUGHT. >> Trevor: DESI, STOP MAN SPLAINING TO ME! JUST GET TO THE WETTISH! >> OKAY, CALM DOWN! DON'T ACT CRAZY! ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TAKE IT EASY! HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE? ( LAUGHTER ) GIVE IT A TRY. GIVE IT A TRY. LET'S SEE THOSE DIMPLES. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Trevor: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GOING TO NEED A MOMENT. SO LET'S TAKE A BREAK. DESI
