WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. TODAY IS JUST DAY ONE OF THE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF DONALD JOHN TRUMP. IT'S HISTORIC. IT'S A PIVOTAL DAY IN THE
HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC: SOON, WE WILL FIND OUT IF BREAKING THE
LAW IS ILLEGAL. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Jon: WE WILL FIND OUT. >> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, GOTTA
SAY, SO FAR, I DON'T LIKE THE ODDS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> WHOA! WHOA! NO! NO! NO! NO! I'M SOAKING WET. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: TECHNICALLY, THE TRIAL BEGINS TOMORROW. TODAY WAS DEBATE ABOUT THE RULES
PROPOSED BY SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND SCROTUM OF THE OPERA,
MITCH McCONNELL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> HIS-- HIS RULES SAY--
McCONNELL'S RULES SAY THAT THE THEY WANT TO CONSIDER NEW
EVIDENCE AT ALL. AND McCONNELL DOES NOT GUARANTEE
THE TRIAL WILL INCLUDE WITNESSES. SO, NO EVIDENCE, NO WITNESSES... JUST 100 OLD PEOPLE STUCK IN A
ROOM TOGETHER. THIS ISN'T A TRIAL. IT'S THE 4:00 DINNER RUSH AT
DENNY'S, OR A MATINEE IN BRANSON, MISSOURI. IF, BY SOME WILD CHANCE, THERE
WHERE MONKEYS EAT MEAT, IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE WITNESSES. McCONNELL HAS BUILT IN A
FAIL-SAFE, BECAUSE IF THE MAJORITY DECIDE TO CALL
WITNESSES, THAT WITNESS WOULD FIRST BE INTERVIEWED BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS, MEANING THEY MIGHT NEVER TESTIFY IN PUBLIC. <i> ( AS MCCONNELL )</i>
"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A "THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A
FAIR AND TRANSPARENT PROCESS. NOW PLACE THE TESTIMONY HOOD
OVER THE WITNESS'S HEAD, DRAG HIM INTO THE FACT DUNGEON, AND
BEAT HIM WITH THE TRUTH HOSE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT HERE'S THE THING: ACCORDING TO A NEW CNN POLL, 69% SAY THAT
THE UPCOMING TRIAL SHOULD FEATURE TESTIMONY FROM NEW
WITNESSES. THAT'S A TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY. BUT THEN AGAIN, IF WE DID WHAT
THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS WANT, HILLARY WOULD BE
PRESIDENT, AND WE'D HAVE MALLOMARS ALL YEAR ROUND<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> REFRIGERATE THE TRUCKS! WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! IF WE CAN HAVE MOON PIES, WE CAN
HAVE MALLOMARS. NOW, THE SAME POLL FOUND THAT
51% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SENATE SHOULD REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE. <i> ( AS TRUMP )</i>
"OH, NO, MY OLD NEMESIS, MAJORITIES! EVEN WORSE THAN MY OTHER
NEMESIS: MINORITIES." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, ONCE ARGUMENTS GOT UNDERWAY, HOUSE IMPEACHMENT
MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF LAID OUT EXACTLY WHY MCCONNELL'S RULES
FOR THE TRIAL ARE NOTHING LIKE THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT. >> ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS IN THE
CLINTON TRIAL WERE TURNED OVER PRIOR TO THE TRIAL, ALL 90,000
PAGES OF THEM, SO THEY COULD BE USED IN THE HOUSE'S CASE. NONE OF THE DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN
TURNED OVER BY THE PRESIDENT IN THIS CASE. AND UNDER LEADER McCONNELL'S
PROPOSAL, NONE MAY EVER BE. IF THE HOUSE CANNOT CALL
WITNESSES OR INTRODUCE DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE, IT IS NOT A
FAIR TRIAL. IT IS NOT REALLY A TRIAL AT ALL. >> Stephen: NOW, WHO KNOWS IF
HIS ARGUMENT IS GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE LONG RUN,
BUT IT JUST FEELS GOOD FOR SOMEONE TO STAND UP AND NAME THE
LIE WE CAN ALL PLAINLY SEE. IT'S LIKE THE LITTLE BOY
YELLING, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES! OH, GOD "N" MAKE HIM PUT CLOTHES
BACK ON! MY EYES! WIPE AWAY MY EYES!"
NOW, SCHIFF POINTED OUT THAT, SETTING POLITICS ASIDE, WE ALL
KNOW WHAT REAL JUSTICE LOOKS LIKE. >> ASK YOURSELVES HOW WOULD YOU
STRUCTURE THE TRIAL IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTY WAS
AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE PARTY OF THE PRESIDENT WAS? >> Stephen: AND WHILE WE'RE ON
HYPOTHETICALS, ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'D RATHER SEE TRUMP DRAGGED
OUT OF OFFICE BY ONE HORSE-SIZED DUCK OR 100 DUCK-SIZED HORSES. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SCHIFF DISPUTED THE REPUBLICAN LINE THAT THEY'RE JUST FOLLOWING
THE PROCESS LAID OUT DURING THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT AND
REMINDED THE SENATE WHY THEY HAD TO BE SO CAREFUL ABOUT TALKING
ABOUT THAT CASE. >> THE TESTIMONY IN THE CLINTON
TRIAL INVOLVED DECORUM ISSUES THAT ARE NOT PRESENT HERE. YOU MAY REST ASSURED, WHATEVER
ELSE THE CASE MAY BE, SUCH ISSUES WILL NOT BE PRESENT HERE. >> Stephen: YES, THERE WERE A
LOT OF ISSUES IN THE CLINTON TRIAL WITH DECORUM. BILL CLINTON COULD NOT KEEP
STICKING HIS DECORUM WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG. TOUGH WORD. GOT TO BE CAREFUL. IT'S HARD TO SAY. THAT WAS HARD TO SAY AND NOT GET
IT BLEEPED ON CBS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> VERY DIFFICULT. THEN TV LAWYER JAY SEKULOW GOT
UP TO REBUT ON BEHALF OF THE PRESIDENT AND REALLY RAISED MORE
QUESTIONS THAN HE ANSWERED. >> WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH
HERE? WHY ARE WE HERE? >> Stephen: (AS SEKULOW)
WHY ARE WE HERE. "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING
TO? DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE
IS SHOWING YOU? WHAT'S THE BUZZ? TELL ME WHAT'S A-HAPPENING? WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS? THERE OUGHT TO BE CLOWNS. IN SUMMATION:
WAR-- HUNGH, GOOD, GOD, Y'ALL WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? THE DEFENSE RESTS." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. NOW, WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY PAT
CIPOLLONE SEEMED TO THINK THAT COLLECTING EVIDENCE WAS, ITSELF,
SOMEHOW UNFAIR? >> IF I SHOWED UP IN ANY COURT
IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I SAID, "JUDGE, MY CASE IS OVERWHELMING,
BUT I'M NOT READY TO GO YET. I NEED MORE EVIDENCE BEFORE
I CAN MAKE MY CASE," I WOULD GET THROWN OUT IN TWO SECONDS. >> Stephen: NO, YOU WOULDN'T! IT'S CALLED "DISCOVERY." COURTS ALLOW IT ALL THE TIME! INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> LOOK, SIP LOAN, INSTEAD OF
OPENING STATEMENTS, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SPENT YOUR HOUR
WATCHING "LAW & ORDER." CIPPOLLONE COULDN'T JUSTIFY NO
EVIDENCE AND NO WITNESSES, SO HOW DID YOU MAKE A CASE WITH NO
ARGUMENT? VOLUME! >> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT, THEY ARE NOT ONLY RIDICULOUS. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS. IT'S LONG PAST TIME THAT WE
START THIS SO WE CAN END THIS RIDICULOUS CHARADE. >> Stephen: YES, LET'S GET
STARTED AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, GET PAT CIPOLLONE A THESAURUS. <i> ( AS CIPPOLLONE )</i>
"IT'S RIDICULOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! EGREGIOUS! INIQUITOUS! OOOH, OPPROBRIOUS! IT'S NUTRAGEOUS." >> MR. CIPOLLO MADE THE
REPRESENTATION THAT REPUBLICANS WERE NOT EVEN ALLOWED AT
DEPOSITIONS CONDUCTED IN THE HOUSE. NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGGEST TO
YOU THAT MR. CIPILLONE WOULD MAKE A FALSE SAIMENT. I WILL LEAVE IT TO MR. CIPILONNE
TO MAKE THOSE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST OTHERS. BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS, HE IS
MISTAKEN. >> I WON'T SAY HE WILL
DELIBERATELY TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR DESK AND BLAME IT ON A TALL DOG,
BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS-- HIS BELT IS LOOKING MIGHTY LOOSE
OVER THERE. I DON'T KNOW. HE OWNS A GREAT DANE. SCHIFF MADE IT CLEAR WHY TRUMP'S
LAWYERS KEEP ARGUING ABOUT PROCESS. >> EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THEM
ATTACKING HOUSE MANAGERSIMENT YOU TO ASK YOURSELF, AWAY FROM
WHAT ISSUE ARE THEY TRYING TO DISTRACT ME? WHAT ISSUE CAME UP BEFORE THIS? WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DEFLECT
MY ATTENTION FROM? WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A BETTER
ARGUMENT TO MAKE ON THE MERITS? >> Stephen: TO WHICH JAY SEKULOW
REPLIED, "HEY, LOOK OVER HERE! SHINY, SHINY! PAY NO ATTENTION! THERE IT GOES! GET IT, BOY, GET IT! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
NOW, APART FROM McCONNELL'S NUTRAGEOUS RULES, THERE'S THE
SENATE RULES, WHICH ARE PRETTY STRICT WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THE
SENATORS HAVE TO BEHAVE. FOR INSTANCE, THEY'LL BE FORCED
TO SURRENDER THEIR PHONES AND SIT IN THEIR CHAIRS SILENTLY FOR
THE DURATION. THEY ALSO WON'T EVEN BE ALLOWED
TO TALK AT LENGTH TO PEOPLE NEARBY OR WALK ON CERTAIN AREAS
OF THE SENATE FLOOR. <i> ( AS SERGEANT OF ARMS )</i>
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE. BE IT KNOWN THE FOLLOWING
AREAS OF THE SENATE FLOOR AR <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LAVA." "PARTS OF THE LOBBY ARE SNAKES." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, THE RULES GET WEIRDER. ACCORDING TO FLORIDA SENATOR AND
LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE THE CHLOROFORM KICKS IN, RICK SCOTT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Jon: WHOA! >> Stephen: OOOH. >> Jon: SNAKES IN THE GRASS. >> Stephen: YOUR SKULL WILL
MAKE QUITE A TROPHY FOR FATHER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW-- TOTALLY BELIEVABLE. SCOTT TOLD A REPORTER THAT
SENATORS CAN ONLY DRINK WATER OR MILK DURING THE IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL. NOW, MILK MIGHT SEEM WEIRD, BUT
IT'S JUST SO THE SENATORS FROM WISCONSIN CAN BRING IN THEIR
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT COWS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF MISSED THE IMPEACHMENT KICKOFF BECAUSE
HE'S AT THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM IN DAWFOUS. BECAUSE NOTHING SCREAMS
"INNOCENCE" LIKE BEING PUT ON TRIAL AND IMMEDIATELY FLEEING TO
SWITZERLAND. WE DID HEAR FROM THE MAN WITHOUT
WHOM THIS IMPEACHMENT WOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE. TRUMP PERSONAL LAWYER AND
PENGUIN FATHER ABANDONING HIS CHICKS TO THE SEALS, RUDY
GIULIANI. LAST NIGHT, HE WENT ON TV TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T GET A FAIR SHAKE FROM TV. >> THEY DON'T INVESTIGATE
DEMOCRATS. THEY ARE AFRAID. I AM GOING TO DEVOTE A LOT OF
TIME THIS YEAR EXPOSING THE DOUBLE STANDARD ON MY OWN
PODCAST. >> Stephen: YES, STAY TUNED FOR
THE PREMIERE OF HIS PODCAST: "THIS AMERICAN LOW-LIFE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> I'LL LISTEN. I'LL LISTEN! ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING
THINGS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE STORY, GIULIANI HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
STALKING U.S. AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH,
BUT HE DENIED IT. >> YOU DIRECTED THE SURVEILLANCE
OF A SITTING U.S. AMBASSADOR, MARIA YOVANOVICH, IN THE
UKRAINE. >> NO, I DID NOT. I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU I
DIDN'T. IN FACT, SHE DIRECTED
SURVEILLANCE OF ME! WHICH NOBODY IS INVESTIGATING. >> Stephen: (AS GIULIANI)
"MARIE YOVANOVITCH SPIED ON ME! ALSO, SHE'S THE ONE WHO KEEPS
LOCKING HERSELF OUT OF HER APARTMENT, CLIMBING IN THROUGH
THE WINDOW, AND SLEEPING IN A PILE OF DIRTY SUITS. SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE
STEAM ROOM, SHE'S THE ONE-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
SHE'S THE ONE-- YOVANOVITCH IS THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE SAUNA
AND ACCIDENTALLY SITS DOWN ON HER OWN TESTICLES AND HAS TO
GATHER THEM UP IN A SATCHEL JUST TO PUT HER PANTS ON!"<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. PATRICK STEWART IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"
WONT YOU JOIN US.
